― Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls
Klaus was lonely.
In a house full of siblings and a set of parents and the ghosts, he was lonely.
There was no one to celebrate small victories with.
No one to cheer him on.
No one to love him the way actual parents were supposed to.
"Dad" just cared about advancement.
Mom cared and he cared for her…But he knew she was just programmed to love him.
Not that she didn't, it was just a fact.
He had been out in the streets, the sky vast above him.
Watching people and parents and life happen.
God, it ate at him.
Chewed at him with razor sharp teeth and a fucked up smile.
Suddenly, he was old enough to leave and he was packing.
A flat was available across town with some friends and a local dealer, he was leaving.
And he knew he was fucked if he left because taking care of himself had never been a strength of his.
You could tell obviously, the sunken eyes, the lines and dots on his wrists and arms, the way he was quite often manic.
But he would be okay, that's what he kept telling himself even if it was a lie.
Because when no one wants you, a lie is what keeps you alive.
His siblings had varying reactions, from disgust to hate to worry.
(((Traitor.)))
Of all of them, Allison took it the worst, he could still hear her screams if he wasn't focused hard enough.
((("You're going to leave and forget me!")))
No. I'm not.
(((What am I supposed to do? Stay?!)))
Leave if you want.
(((You can't just abandon us!)))
What has being here ever done for me?
He would lay in his bed, sometimes on the floor of his new place.
Holding jobs he hated until he lost it.
Not eating.
Drinking.
Smoking.
Binging.
Rehab.
All of the above and rinse and repeat.
It was normal, it was his normal.
Klaus was normal.
Well, minus Ben occasionally hanging around.
But he couldn't live a normal sober life as much as he wanted to.
And it wasn't fair.
He wondered often, if sitting in a coffee shop coming down silently or withdrawing loudly in a crackhouse bathroom, if his other siblings, not the Umbrella Academy... But the others, had normal lives.
Why him?
Why now?
The sun was setting and it was October 1st, 2013.
He was shaking and tired as he sat on the roof of the place he was staying at.
Some beach house that was empty this time of year.
He was 23.
He was tired.
And he wanted to sleep.
But he had to wait as he wanted to write as the sun went down.
So he did.
He wrote and wrote and wrote.
Lines and lines and words and life.
Klaus wanted to document his feelings towards his siblings since he was alone.
None of them had called to tell him happy birthday and he didn't call them.
Not worth it.
He took a long drag of his cigarette and let out the breath he'd been holding, it was time.
-
"And suddenly, when you're 23, you can't look at yourself the same no matter how hard you try.
Your upbringing affects that.
Makes it hard to do and be and think.
Constant.
Constant.
Constant.
There are the same songs that got you through the abandonment, you listen to them and you remember.
You don't forget.
It just gets easier.
And you learn to forgive and move on.
But moving on hurts.
Even when all you want to do is stay."