These past few days had probably been the best of Hector's life. For five years he had been surviving on his own, and he had been…alright, he'd been far from fine. Every day he felt like he was in a constant battle with himself and he was almost hoping for somebody to wander too close to the Great Tree so he could battle them instead.
Every day Hector had pushed himself on because he knew that he was doing the will of the moon, and he was serving his king, brother, and friend. He couldn't let them down. Edmund had given up everything to protect the moonstone, the least that Hector could do was honor his wishes and provide the first defense for the kingdom.
Hector had been feeling lost and tired for so long. Some days he didn't protect the Great Tree as much as he just wandered blindly through it. Even he couldn't say if he was recklessly walking around the dangerous tree because he had wanted to feel as physically lost as he did emotionally, or if it was because he felt so dead inside that he wanted to just go all the way with that.
It was frightening how numb he felt that he didn't even know how bad his desperation was. He didn't even know what he wanted.
Now that he was back with Edmund in the Dark Kingdom, things were actually good for the first time in five years. Hector felt like he was home and had a family again. It was absolutely incredible, and horrifying.
Hector knew that he couldn't stay in the Dark Kingdom for very long. It was just supposed to be a short visit to satisfy Edmund's protective nature, but the longer he was in the Dark Kingdom the more clear it became that he wouldn't survive leaving.
Hector didn't want to say anything to Edmund, because he knew that it would just worry him, and he really didn't need to waste any more of his energy on Hector. He was scared of leaving though. In just a few days Hector had gotten used to being around Edmund again. He got used to having somebody to spar with, and talk to, and tease. It was just nice to have somebody's company again, and it was going to be difficult to adjust to isolation again.
Hector had thrived in the isolation at first when they had left the Dark Kingdom five years ago, but that was just because he'd only just had a fight with his siblings and he needed a break from them. Now he and Edmund were clinging to each other because they had nobody else. Hector couldn't expect to walk away from that and be okay.
Hector knew that he was going to long for Edmund's company the second he walked past the borders. He would feel cold and lonely and far too uncomfortable on his sleeping mat in the Great Tree. He would be bored out of his wits and overwhelmed with the responsibility of guarding the tree all by himself.
There would be no adjustment period. No easing himself back into the familiar loneliness. Hector had been thrown into pure joy, and he needed to walk away from it and live with the knowledge of what he was missing out on, and what he could never have.
Hector wasn't always the best judge of his mental state, but during the rare times when he felt clear headed he had a much better understanding of what he could handle and what was too much. Looking back, Hector had only survived the last five years by the skin of his teeth, and not because of the inherent danger of the Great Tree. It was all because of the way he got in his own head and drowned in it.
The only reason Hector had walked away from there was because his bearcats had literally dragged him away. If he had been truly alone, he would already be dead.
Looking to the future, Hector thought he knew himself well enough to say that he wouldn't survive a week, let alone another five years. He wouldn't be able to take it, and his bearcats and rhino could only protect him from himself so often.
A week ago, Hector would have looked at this realization with numb indifference. The closest thing he would have to a reaction would be the faintest relief because he was tired and at least if everything stopped then he'd finally be able to rest.
Now Hector didn't feel like he was wandering lost in the dark, just because Edmund somehow had a way of lighting up his world just by being in his presence. Hector wasn't numb, and he was far from indifferent, he was just scared. He didn't want to feel like that, and he definitely didn't want to just wander into his own demise because he couldn't bring himself to care enough to fight back.
Knowing that he needed to return to the Great Tree, but being well aware of what he'd be putting himself through if he did, it tore Hector apart. He didn't want to think about it, so he tried to just avoid it. This strategy worked decently well for a time, but the fear, guilt, and sense of duty would smack him in the face again, making him feel even worse than before. Hector had been doing this back and forth for several days, and now he was just tired.
Hector curled up on Edmund's bed, almost wishing for the emotional numbness that he had felt in the Great Tree, because if he was numb then at least he wouldn't feel this cold pain. Edmund had left the room a few hours ago to check on the moonstone and patrol around the kingdom. He'd invited Hector to join him, but he couldn't bring himself to get out of bed, so he'd just pretended that he was still asleep.
It hurt to be alone, even just for a few hours. Hector tried to rationalize to himself that Edmund was just a short distance away, so he didn't have to be alone. And this could be a good practice for when he returned to the Great Tree and couldn't rely on Edmund's presence. That didn't make things any better.
Hector wished that he could just be asleep. Instead he was stuck just lying on the bed. He was there for so long that Edmund returned to the room long before Hector could even think about leaving the bed.
Edmund sighed and sat on the bed. The first movement that Hector made that day was to roll over to face Edmund and curl up against him.
"Can you talk to me, brother?" Edmund asked quietly. "I've never seen you like this before."
Hector groaned. Edmund just hadn't seen him like this because Hector had gone out of his way to hide it from him. Adira and Quirin had both seen this side of him, because they were his siblings and Hector couldn't hide anything from them. Yes, Edmund was also his brother, but he was far more than that. Edmund was their king, and Hector had always tried very hard to hide the darkness that always lingered in the back of his head
But Hector knew that Edmund wouldn't give up very easily, and he was too tired to try to fight against him on this.
Hector didn't want Edmund to see him as weak, but he was stressed, and scared, and hurt, and he just wanted to give in. He didn't want to be a burden, but Hector knew that if their roles were reversed he would definitely want to know about what was going on.
Besides, Hector had never been able to lie to Edmund.
"...I need to return to the Great Tree, but I can't." Hector said.
"Why not?" Edmund asked. "Is there something I can do to help?"
Hector shook his head. Edmund was already doing so much to try to help him, and that was part of the problem. The nicer that Edmund was, the harder it would be to leave.
"Well, if you can't return to the Great Tree you can always stay here." Edmund offered, not for the first time.
"I can't." Hector insisted. "I've been away from the heart for too long already." Edmund gave a resigned sigh. He probably thought that Hector was a fool for dedicating his life to protecting a threat that was more than strong enough to protect itself. Adira and Quirin had always thought that Hector was too loyal and stubborn for his own good. Why wouldn't Edmund feel the same?
"Can you at least tell me why you feel you can't leave?" Edmund asked.
Hector didn't want to, but he would. He'd probably been keeping this to himself for far too long, because this was clearly more than he could handle. Hector didn't know what Edmund could to help, but he had to at least give him the chance.
"...You know how I said I wandered too close to that stupid flower in the tree?" Hector asked, though it wasn't much of a question. Hector sat up, even though it felt like a massive weight was pushing down on his shoulders. "It wasn't really an accident."
Concern flashed in Edmund's eyes, but he didn't say anything yet. He let Hector have a moment to breathe and gather up his will and nerve.
"I just wanted a little peace." Hector said. "I just have no idea if I was looking for the peace through the hallucinations themselves, or if I was trying to let the plant…look, I just don't know."
Edmund gave him a sad look. "I suspected as much."
Hector groaned. Of course Edmund had figured it out. No wonder he'd insisted that Hector stay here with him.
"I'm just…scared." Hector said. He couldn't even bring himself to feel ashamed or embarrassed that he was admitting this so easily after trying to keep it to himself. "I don't want to fall that far again, but I'm pretty sure I will if I'm alone again. But what am I supposed to do? You need to stay here to protect the moonstone, and I can't just ask you to babysit me because I don't know how to cope."
Edmund was quiet for a moment. "Could we reach out to Adira or Quirin?"
Hector shook his head. "Last I heard from Quirin he was planning on starting a family. I can't ask him to leave that. And Adira's too busy looking for her precious sundrop. She's not going to want to come back for my sake."
Edmund frowned slightly. "Do you truly have so little faith in our sister?"
Hector hunched his shoulders. It wasn't about Adira, it was about him. Hector had pushed her away. He'd been the one to practically disown her. It wouldn't be fair to beg for her company after the way he had threatened her just for doing what she felt was her job. Hector stood by his decision, because he still thought that Adira was wrong, but he couldn't ask for her help.
When Hector didn't answer Edmund took a deep breath and dropped the topic of their sister, which Hector appreciated. Edmund thought for a moment before a look of hope came to his eyes.
"I may have a proposition for you." Edmund said carefully, but hopefully. "It's the full moon tonight. Stay here and bask in the moon's light with me, and come morning I will walk with you to the border of the kingdom. You will return to the Great Tree, and then next month you will return here during the full moon, you will stay for a few days, and then you will go back to the Great Tree. Every month I want you to return here."
Hector frowned. This just didn't sound practical. He could travel between the Great Tree and the Dark Kingdom in the span of just a few days, but between the commute and his time in the Dark Kingdom he would be spending about a third of his time away from the Great Tree, at the very least.
The wise thing to do was to say that this wasn't necessary, and that he'd be just fine, but he was scared and selfish, and really wanted to accept the offer. Before he could overthink it Hector found himself nodding. Immediately he felt better, and Edmund looked relieved.
"And if you find yourself tempted to do something foolish, I want you to return here, even if you had only returned to the Great Tree a few minutes before." Edmund said. "If you will do that, I will return the favor and send word to you if I start to feel the same way."
Hector didn't like the thought of Edmund feeling anything like this, but he wasn't all that surprised to hear that it was the case. Edmund had always had a tendency to carry too much on his shoulders and keep his pain to himself. The two of them had that much in common.
"I'll try." Hector said, and he meant it. Just having this option laid out before him made the thought of returning to the Great Tree a lot easier to deal with. He wasn't just going to be trapped there, never to see his siblings again. He didn't have to try to survive for another five years. He just had to get through a few weeks, and then he'd be back with Edmund.
Hector could do his duty, and not be constantly alone. It was a compromise, and both Hector and Edmund knew that it was enough to probably save both of their lives.
Edmund stood up and held a hand out to Hector, who took it and let himself be pulled out of bed for the first time that day. He was stiff all over. Hector stretched and rolled his shoulders. He was definitely not used to just sitting around for hours on end, not moving.
Hector only stumbled ever so slightly standing up, because his legs weren't used to the sudden change, but Edmund was right there to steady him. Edmund didn't need to hold onto him for more than just a few seconds, but he maintained his grip. Hector wasn't going to complain.
Edmund's personal chambers were in one of the castle's towers. They only had to go up another flight to make their way up onto the roof through a secret pathway that Hector had thought he was the only one that knew about it. Edmund had mentioned he'd done some exploring these past few years. Hector would have to find out if there were any secrets that he knew that Edmund didn't, or if there was anything that his brother had learned that was a secret to even Hector.
Maybe they wouldn't have time to trade secrets tonight, because they would both much rather just stare up at the full moon in peaceful silence, but there was always next month. Or the month after that. Or even the month after that.
They had all the time in the world, as long as they needed or even just wanted each other, and Hector found himself looking forward to it. He had always appreciated Edmund's attention and companionship, but especially now that it was just them.
Hector's chest tightened in a pleasant way at the thought as he and Edmund sat side by side on the roof of the castle. When he was younger this would have been a dream come true for Hector, to have Edmund's undivided attention and complete trust.
Hector pushed those feelings down. He had so much going for him right now, far more than he thought he could ever deserve. He didn't want to sour this feeling by wasting his time wishing for more. It wasn't perfect, but Hector was more than content with it.
This was more than enough.