Chapter 1: Existential Crisis

This story is set in season 2, at the end of episode 12, when Damon struggles with his emotions and if he should kill Jessica or not. Please read and review, let me know what you like or disklike. It is mostly centered around Damon, but Delena scenes are definitely in it as well.

Enjoy 😊

"What's your name?"

Damon was teetering on the edge of his humanity, Rose dying brought about things he was repressing for years, that he never wanted to admit to himself. He wasn't even sure why it mattered what her name was, but some part of him was insisting that he knew it.

"Jessica." The frightened woman was trembling, and her voice cracked while she was trying to understand why she couldn't move after Damon commanded her not to.

"Hi, Jessica. I have a secret, I have a big one, and I've never said it out loud!" He threw his arms up in the air and started frantically pacing back and forth in front of her.

"I mean, what's the point? It's not going to change anything, it's not going to make me good, make me adopt a puppy!" He sighed and stalked over towards her, grabbing his chest as he fought back the tears that were threatening to spill from his eyes.

"I can't be what other people want me to be, what she wants me to be." He paused for a moment and thought about how badly he wanted to be a better man for her, she deserved someone better, and it ripped him apart inside. But she cared, and he knew that, he just didn't understand why. All he did was hurt her and showed her numerous times that he was just a monster. Tears clouded his vision as he looked back into Jessicas eyes and let out a shaky deep breath, slowly reaching out to grab her shoulders, "This is who I am, Jessica." He whispered, while a flood of memories flashed in front of his eyes of how many horrible things he did throughout his life.

"Are you going to hurt me?" She choked out as she silently sobbed.

He looked at her for a second as a few tears escaped from his eyes and gently ran his fingers through her hair, "I'm not sure, because you, are my existential crisis."

He lightly grabbed both sides of her face as his thoughts ran rapid. Elena. Her name just kept replaying in his head as he stared into Jessicas eyes and whispered, "Do I kill you? Do I not kill you?"

"Please don't" Jessica whimpered and closed her eyes while she begged for her life.

"But I have to Jessica. Because I'm not human. And I miss it, I miss it more than anything in the world!" Tears were steadily flowing down his cheeks now as he admitted to himself that he missed being human, he hated who he became.

He felt his chest tighten and his knees start to buckle as the realization hit him like a ton of bricks. He shook his head and pressed his eyes shut for a second while taking a deep breath, "That is my secret." He whispered as he stumbled a few feet back from where Jessica was standing. "But there's only so much hurt a man can take." He silently sobbed as tears continued to flow down his cheeks and he felt like giving up.

His whole existence was just one disappointment after another, and he couldn't handle any more pain. He would always be a monster and he would be better off if he just accepted that about himself. But she cares.

He looked back up at Jessica and blinked back his tears as he walked over to her, "Forget this happened, you pulled over because you thought you hit something. You're free to go." Jessica blinked and when she opened her eyes Damon was gone.

He was watching her from in the woods while she looked around confused, got back into her car and drove away. Damon fell to his knees, breathing heavy and couldn't stop the tears from falling. He grabbed on to a nearby tree to pull himself off the ground and just started to run, he didn't care where he was going, he just needed to escape himself.

He ran for what felt like hours but, he had absolutely no idea how long it actually was, when he crashed into someone crouching down behind a tree. He stumbled backwards and looked down to see Stefan looking up at him, who he assumed must have been out hunting.

"Damon? What's going on?" Stefan quickly stood up and noticed how distraught Damon looked. His face was flushed with tear-stained cheeks and his eyes were lined with swollen red rims. He wasn't used to seeing him show any emotion besides anger.

Damon quickly threw his walls up and wiped any emotion that was present off his face as he tried his best to put on an act of indifference. He adjusted his leather jacket and let out a low chuckle but when he looked into Stefans eyes, he lost his composure. His eyebrows scrunched together as he tried to think of something to say but all that came out was a deep breath that he hadn't even known he was holding in.

Stefan slowly walked towards him and lightly grabbed his arm and noticed that he was trembling, "Damon?" He whispered as if he was trying not to scare him off.

Damon shook his head and put his hand over Stefans, giving it a gentle squeeze before removing it from his arm and taking a step back. "It doesn't matter Stefan. It's not a problem that anyone can fix, I'll be fine." He quickly glanced back up at Stefan and nodded his head before disappearing back into the night leaving a confused and concerned brother behind.

A few minutes later, he walked into the boarding house and went straight to his liquor cart. Not even bothering to pour himself a glass, just grabbed the bottle of bourbon and took a couple pulls, enjoying the way it burned while it slid down his throat.

He closed his eyes for a moment and tried to recenter himself, but all his thoughts were in an uproar. "Why did I come back here of all places?" He questioned to himself, thinking back to what just transpired here a few hours ago with Rose.

He wanted to go upstairs and fall into bed but couldn't bring himself to go near his room. So, he slowly walked over to the couch and settled down with his bottle of bourbon, staring at a fire-less fireplace. He placed his bottle down on the table and kicked his shoes off so he could stretch out on the couch. Tears were building up in his eyes again as memories from when him and Stefan were young and still human flooded his thoughts.

He let out a loud groan and threw his legs back over the side of the couch, onto the ground, and grabbed the bourbon as tears fell onto the carpet below. "Why do I feel like this?! Fuck. I wish I could just shut it off! But I can't do that, not now, not to her. She needs me and I can't be selfish." He shook his head and put the bottle back onto the table. "What's a couple more years of misery? I mean I made it this far." He let out a humorless laugh and cradled his head in his hands. He was so lost in his misery that he didn't even hear the front door creak open or the soft footsteps approaching him.

"Damon?"

Damon instantly felt his body tense at the sound of her voice and slowly brought his eyes up to meet hers. "Elena? I thought I told you to go home."

Elena took a few steps closer to him and noticed that he was crying which made her heart break. She wanted to say something to him sooner when she heard him talking to himself, but she didn't want to scare him away. She stopped a few feet away, never breaking eye contact, "Damon, please talk to me."

He rolled his eyes and reached for his bottle of bourbon, taking another swig and setting it back down on the table. "Please go home, Elena. I-I can't do this right now. Please."

She didn't move closer or back away, she didn't say anything, she just stood there, silently hoping he wouldn't push her to leave. He let out a sigh of defeat and raked his fingers through his hair, "Elena, please." His voice cracked as he chocked out her name, "Why are you here? Don't you understand what I am? Who I am? I'm-I'm dangerous Elena and deep down you know that! I'm a monster, always have been and I don't deserve you." He looked back up into her eyes and he let out a heartbreaking sob as he began to tremble.

Elena quickly made her way over to him and sat by his side, pulling him into a tight embrace, "Shh, Damon, it's okay." His body tensed at first as she tightened her hold around him, but he could feel his walls crumbling down.

He slowly melted into her soothing touch; he wasn't used to anyone showing him any type of affection. As his body finally relaxed into her, he wrapped his arms around her waist, clutching her against him while he fell apart. Elena ran her fingers up and down his back and slowly inched away so she could look into his eyes. She gently placed her hands on both sides of his face and ran her thumb over the trail of tears, "You are not a monster. You're caring and loyal and you deserve to be loved. I know who you really are, Damon. There's nothing you could tell me that would make me not care about you. I see with perfect clarity who you are."

She lightly ran her fingers through his hair while he stared into her eyes, trying to absorb what she was saying, looking for any trace of uncertainty, but there was none, only love. He blinked back a few tears and tucked her hair behind her ear, resting his hand against her cheek as he ran his thumb over her bottom lip, staring deep into her soul, "Elena. I-God I miss being human so much and it eats me up inside. I try so hard to pretend that I don't care, but I never wanted this. I only ever wanted to live forever to be with Katherine and when I thought she was dead I just, I just wanted it all to be over. And then I spent my whole undead life waiting to save her just to find out she never needed saving and never loved me. I've spent 150 years as this, this thing, and I hate it, Elena. I can't live this way anymore. Everything I ever did was for love because I guess I'm just an idiot and look where it got me. Alone, unloved, and miserable. Pretending to be something I never will be again, and the only thing that even gets me going every day is the fact that I'll see you. But you're not mine to love either, I'll never be enough. I was never enough for my father, never enough for Katherine and then I met you and something about you made me want to be better, made me want to actually feel. But who am I kidding? I'll never be what you need, Elena. My heart turned to stone over the years of constantly yearning to be loved or even cared for! I just needed just once someone to hold me and tell me that they accept me for who I am and want to love me and let me love them. I-I just, fuck!" He took a shaky deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment.

When he opened them again, Elena was staring back at him while tears ran down her cheeks. She shook her head and reached out to grab both sides of his face "Damon, you are an amazing man. I see how much you try, and I notice how loving you, even when you try to hide behind the walls you've built around your heart. I can't imagine what it must feel like to have lived as long as you have and felt unloved but Damon, you are loved. I care about you and would do anything to help you see that, to show you, to have you feel it. You are so important to me, Damon. I look forward to seeing you every day, I think about you while I'm falling asleep at night, wondering if you're okay. Every time I hear a noise outside my window, I hope that it's you about to jump inside. Damon, you are not a monster in any way. I've seen the best and the worst parts of you and I can say with confidence that you deserve to be happy and loved. I, Damon, I came back here tonight even though you told me to go home because when I left and saw how heartbroken you looked, all I wanted to do was hold you and tell you everything was going to be okay. I never want you to feel like you're alone again." Elena paused and took a deep breath to calm her nerves as she studied Damons facial expressions.

He hesitantly grabbed her hand, lacing his fingers in-between hers, and brought it up to his chest, placing it over his heart while a few tears escaped his eyes, "Elena, I-" His words got stuck in his throat as he heard Elenas heart starting to race. She smiled nervously as she ran her fingers down the side of his face and shifted over closer to him so that her lips were inches away from his.

He inhaled sharply and stared at her lips as she instinctively ran her tongue over them. "Damon, I, I just, I just want, I need you to feel loved." She whispered as her lips lightly pressed against his in a tentative kiss.

Damons eyes shot open as her soft lips formed against his and he pulled away so he could look into her eyes which he noticed were starting to tear up. His eyebrows furrowed as she broke eye contact when a single tear ran down her cheek, "I'm sorry, I, I just thought, I didn't really-" She stammered trying to explain but she was stopped by Damon touching his finger to her lips. She let out a shaky breath of air, bringing her eyes back up to his and all other thoughts she had were instantly lost in the depth of emotions in his eyes. He lightly traced her lips with his finger, down to her jaw and tenderly cupped her face. His lips slightly parted as he thought of something to say but their moment was quickly interrupted when the front door swung open, causing them to jump away from each other. Damon slid to the other side of the couch and grabbed his bottle of bourbon, taking a long swig as Stefan rounded the corner.

"Elena? Is everything ok?" He looked more than confused as he took in the scene in front of him. He could clearly see that emotions were high, and the tension was almost unbearable.

Elena glanced over at Damon one last time before standing up and walking over towards Stefan, "Yeah, I just came by to make sure everything was okay after what happened today, with Rose. And honestly, I am doing whatever I can to avoid being home since you decided to bring John back into our lives."

At the sound of Johns name, Damons ears perked up and his eyes shot over to Stefan, "Excuse me, what was that? Did I just hear that correctly?" He slammed his bottle down on the table, slightly startling Elena and stood up, all while never breaking eye contact with Stefan.

Stefan walked around Elena and stood in front of Damon, crossing his arms over his chest, "I went to look for Isobel and found John instead. He insists he wants to help save Elena and we're desperate."

Damon scoffed and rolled his eyes, "Not that desperate Stefan! Last time he was around he tried to barbeque me! How did he even say he would help?"

Elena could see that Damon was getting angrier by the second and she knew he was on very thin ice tonight after everything they just discussed. The last thing he needed was more of a push to scare him off. So, before Stefan could even try to justify why he asked John for help, she stepped in between them and squeezed Damons arm in an attempt to calm him down. He looked down at her fingers closing around his bicep, then up into her eyes and she felt his mood shift drastically. Stefan noticed the small interaction between them and felt a bit uneasy, but he realized she was most likely just trying to avoid a conflict.

Damon looked back over at Stefan and stepped an inch closer to him with a cold look in his eyes and pulled his lips into a tight line, "If this plan of yours ends up backfiring and hurts Elena in any way, Klaus will be the least of your concerns, understand, brother?"

Damons words caused a chill to run up Elenas spine as she watched the way he looked into Stefans eyes. Stefan just nodded his head and cleared his throat, "I would never let anything happen to Elena. That was the whole reason I went to find Isobel in the first place." Damon waved his finger in Stefans face and a low growl came from deep in his chest.

He took a step back, glancing over at Elena, and as soon as his eyes met hers, she slightly gasped at the amount of emotion behind them. A tiny smile spread across her lips, and she felt tears gather in her eyes as he nodded his head at her, picked up his bourbon, and began walking up the stairs.

She watched as he climbed about halfway up and then stopped in his tracks. He brought the bottle to his lips, and she noticed his hand was slightly shaking. He mumbled something under his breath and groaned to himself before taking another swig of the bourbon. She looked back at Stefan who was watching Damon with the same look of confusion as she was. Damon let out a shaky breath and climbed up a couple more steps before stopping again and angrily throwing the bottle against the wall as hard as he could, shattering it to pieces. Elena jumped at the abrupt action and ran up the stairs to his side without a second thought.