Author's Note: I recently finished the second season of Stranger Things and this is my first attempt at fic in the fandom. Hope everyone likes it!
Bob Newby was supposed to be the safe choice.
That's what she kept thinking during the funeral. He was supposed to be her sanctuary and now he was gone.
They buried an empty casket because of her.
Joyce couldn't help wondering if she'd made the wrong decision. Maybe, if she hadn't been selfish, then Bob would still be alive right now.
After what happened to Will, she so desperately needed to feel normal and that was what Bob gave her. He was safe and comforting and made her feel beautiful. He helped make the events of the Upside Down feel more like a fading nightmare than reality.
And then she saw him get eaten to death by otherworldly creatures right in front of her in the lobby of Hawkins Lab.
"I should have made him stay home," she muttered. "I didn't want him involved."
She leaned back against the brick wall of the funeral home and raised a cigarette to her lips with a shaky hand.
"It was his decision, Joyce. He got us out of there when I couldn't."
She could hear the guilt and shame in Hop's voice, but she didn't look in his direction. She continued to stare out at the parking lot instead.
Joyce didn't like that all she and Jim Hopper had to tie themselves together were moments of unbelievable horror, the corresponding guilt, and a handful of nostalgic memories from when they were kids.
She slowly breathed out the cigarette smoke before responding.
"I never should have dated him. It was a mistake."
Even now, Joyce knew she was making the selfish choice. She should be inside, with Bob's relatives and her sons and the rest of town, instead of escaping to smoke in a location away from the crowd. She shouldn't be finding comfort in Hopper's presence either.
"Loving someone's never a mistake," he said, "even if you lose them."
Joyce wondered if Hop was thinking about his daughter with that statement. She knew that she would have said the same thing if she, god forbid, had lost Will.
It was different with Bob, though.
Joyce didn't love Bob. She cared about him and had fun with him and she even thought that she could grow to love him, but she hadn't gotten to that point yet.
It still felt like a massive loss and she knew it would feel that way for a long time.
Joyce kept thinking of things that she wanted to tell him before remembering he wasn't around. She lost her train of thought each time she saw something of Bob's at her house. She was going to miss him so damn much.
And then there was the guilt.
He died because of her…because she'd been so desperate to save Hopper that she allowed Bob to be pulled into the horror with them.
Joyce remembered how frantic she felt after Will told her that Hopper was dying out there somewhere. When Bob first arrived at the house, she was frustrated that he wouldn't leave. He was wasting time and encroaching on the part of her life she'd done her best to keep him away from.
She only let him inside when she realized that he could help find Hopper.
It all snowballed from there.
Joyce tried to leave Bob behind, keep him separate, but he wouldn't let her. He didn't understand the danger.
Bob may have been bullied when he was younger, but the rest of his life had been relatively easy. He had parents who loved him and a successful career. He'd never been touched by poverty and darkness.
"He hated horror movies, you know," Joyce said aloud. "Could barely even watch them. He always got a little worried when it was Jonathan's turn to pick a movie."
Hopper made a noise of acknowledgement so she kept talking.
"He hated horror movies and he ended up dying in the middle of one because of me."
Hopper pushed off the wall and turned to face her. He rested a hand on her shoulder.
"Joyce, you can't think like that. It'll drive you crazy."
She almost laughed.
"Haven't you heard, Hop? The entire town already thinks I'm crazy. Might as well go all the way."
He let out a frustrated sigh and said her name with a hint of irritation.
"Come on, you know that's - "
"You and Bob, you were the only two people in town who didn't think I was nuts. Only adults anyway."
Bob Newby and Jim Hopper were the two men in her life she could rely on. Now she only had Hopper left and she couldn't help but wonder if both men would be here if she'd made a different choice. Or maybe they'd all be dead and she wouldn't be here running through "what if"s.
She should have known that her carefully constructed life would crumble around her. She just didn't think it would have such a tragic cost.
For the past few months, it felt like Joyce had been living two lives.
One was a normal life where she dated a good man who cared for her boys and the most exciting thing she got up to was making out with Bob in the storage room of Melvald's General Store.
The other was the continued aftermath of a horror movie where her son had been trapped in another dimension and hunted by monsters. That other life was one where Jim Hopper joined her for Will's appointments and Dr. Owens called them "mom and pop" and neither of them corrected the mistake.
She kept those two lives as separate as she could. She and the boys didn't talk about the Upside Down when Bob was around. And she didn't talk to Hopper about her dating life.
Bob may have been there for some of her nightmares, but Hop was the person she talked to about them.
Having that wall was the only way she could deal with the mess that was her life.
Bob was the safe one.
There may have been a time when she thought that a wall would be unnecessary - that she could find what she needed in one person - but it was a fleeting notion.
Joyce knew that she was bad at picking men. After all, she thought Lonnie was a good choice once upon a time. The mere fact that she was attracted to Jim Hopper wasn't a point in his favor. It just meant that he was highly likely to be another mistake.
She told herself that Hopper came with a lot of baggage. His daughter died, he drank too much, he slept around, and he was inextricably connected to those horrible dark days when she thought Will might be lost to her forever. It wouldn't be a smart idea to go after him. Just because she liked having him around didn't mean that he would be a good choice.
Even so, the more he was there for her and the more she relied on him, the more she started to consider the possibility that there could be more between the two of them than friendship.
It took a while for Joyce to start to emerge from the haze of trauma, but when she did, she began to notice how often her thoughts strayed to the Hawkins Chief of Police.
Then there was that long hug after the trip with Will to Chicago that might've turned into more if the harsh sound of the ringing phone hadn't broken them apart on Joyce's doorstep.
Neither of them brought up that tension-filled moment the next day or the day after. Joyce started to wonder if she'd imagined it.
It didn't help that she could tell he was hiding something from her.
Initially, she assumed it had something to do with Hawkins Lab. Hopper knew more about what was going on there than he would let on, but he told her it was under control and that he was taking care of it.
Then Flo mentioned that the Chief was trying to eat better and drink less and keep more regular hours and Joyce realized that Hopper might be keeping secrets about more than just Hawkins Lab.
She figured that he must be dating someone, but they didn't talk about those sorts of things, not since her dating Lonnie became a sore subject back when they were younger. She assumed that Hop was seeing someone from a nearby town and tried to put a lid on her curiosity.
Then Bob Newby started showing up in the store and chatting and eventually he asked her out. It felt good to say yes, to know that someone in Hawkins didn't consider her crazy even without knowing the full story.
She ignored the small twinge of regret that she felt when Hopper saw them together outside the movie theater a few weeks later. She didn't need to feel bad about her decision. After all, he was dating someone too.
It was only much later that Joyce realized that the attempts at improved eating habits and more regular hours were the result of Hop taking care of the girl called Eleven, now officially known as Jane Hopper.
If she picked Hop all those months ago - if it really had been an option to pick him - would Bob still be alive, or would they all be dead?
"Joyce?"
She started at Hopper's voice, only then realizing how lost in thought she'd been.
"Bob wanted us to move to Maine," she said, "and buy his parents' house."
There was something fleeting in Hopper's expression that felt important, but his look turned guarded before she could interpret that flash of emotion.
He took another drag of his cigarette before responding.
"I didn't realize you two were that serious."
They hadn't been that serious. Or at least, she hadn't. Joyce strongly suspected that Bob would have proposed if she'd given him any indication that she'd accept.
It didn't change the fact that there was something appealing about the way that Bob wanted to solve all her problems and be a family far away from Hawkins. Far away from the source of her worst nightmares.
"I think sometimes the memories in that house are going to bury me," Joyce said, "and I can't afford to move the kids anywhere else on my own."
She looked over just in time to see Hopper shutting his mouth, as if he'd been about to suggest something and then changed his mind.
Joyce sighed and lifted her cigarette to her lips.
"You'll get through this."
Hop's voice was low and steady and she wished she could wrap herself in his confidence.
"How many times are you going to have to say that to me? This can't keep happening."
"It won't," he promised, slinging an arm around her shoulder. "El closed the gate. We'll be safe now."
Joyce really hoped that he was right, but none of them could be sure. Not really. They thought they were safe after she got Will back and then he got connected to that Mind Flayer thing and Hopper was almost strangled to death underground.
She still remembered how horrified she'd been to find Hopper's body covered in those dark, living vines, choking and unable to breathe. After they got him loose, she gripped his face with both hands and wanted to hug him or kiss him. Anything to reassure herself that he really was okay. But then he turned and greeted Bob and she remembered that she and Hopper weren't alone and that she had a man who loved her enough to follow her down into a dark mysterious tunnel in the middle of a field.
Joyce stepped away from him and his arm dropped to his side.
"You can't promise me we'll be safe, Hop. Case in point."
She gestured at the headstones in the cemetery.
"I will do whatever I can to make sure that you and the boys stay safe, Joyce. I can at least do that. And I'm really sorry we couldn't get Bob out of there."
"I know."
Joyce felt brittle and fragile and she hated that. She also hated that she wanted to cling to Hopper's promise. It felt disloyal to Bob's memory to do so.
Bob Newby had been the safe choice, but Jim Hopper was the one who made her feel safe and secure in the worst moments of her life.
Even when Bob had sacrificed for all of them.
"I wish I'd known him better in high school," Joyce said. "He was right, you know…I barely knew he existed. Just thought he was a quiet kid who messed up the curve for the rest of us."
Hopper gave a low, nostalgia-tinged chuckle.
"Bob the Brain."
Joyce looked over at Hopper and he winced, likely remembering when she'd chastised him for using the nickname before.
"He didn't mind being called that, not as an adult anyway. I think he became proud of it in a way, the fact that he was known for being smart."
Hop nodded and took a drag of his cigarette, exhaling the smoke long and slow.
"His smarts sure saved our asses. Who knew that computer programming would come in handy when fighting monsters?"
None of them thought it would come to that, but then again, none of them had any idea what they were doing in the first place.
"Bob was brave."
He volunteered to go down to that computer because he was the only one who could. He did it even though he was terrified.
"Yes, he was."
"I tried to warn him," Joyce said. "I told him that we weren't a normal family and that we were dealing with a lot. He never guessed it was monsters. Said it was like being in a comic book when he found out. Bob Newby, superhero, he said. Will drew a picture of him as a superhero yesterday. It's on the fridge."
One of the things she liked most about Bob was how he tried to connect with her boys. When Will drew that picture and handed it to her, she cried.
"Will's a good kid."
Joyce suddenly, desperately, wanted to hug him. Instead, she lifted her cigarette as her hand shook and she blinked back tears. She inhaled and then blew out smoke, hoping against hope that the cigarette would calm her. It wasn't normal to feel this much.
"My boys are all I have," she admitted. "I thought with Bob I could maybe manage a relationship too. Something that wasn't screwed up like what I had with Lonnie."
Once again, Hopper looked like he had something to say, but he just kept his mouth shut and let her keep talking.
Joyce put out the cigarette against the brick wall and let it drop to the ground.
"Bob would always say, 'Look at me! I get to date Joyce Byers!' like I was some prize because of who he thought I was in high school. I should have liked that more. I should have appreciated that for some reason he thought I was perfect."
It had been a whole lot better than Lonnie tearing her down and telling her what a mess she was, but she felt uncomfortable with some of Bob's praise. He put her on a pedestal and she'd never been in a relationship before where someone treated her like that.
"You sure as hell aren't perfect, Joyce."
She agreed, but didn't like hearing those words coming out of his mouth. She rolled her eyes.
"Thanks, Hop. You always know how to make a girl feel special."
She took another drag of her cigarette. When Hopper didn't respond, she looked over and saw that he was frowning, a thoughtful look on his face.
"What?"
"Thinking you're not perfect and thinking you're not special aren't the same thing."
"I don't -"
"Someone who really knows you isn't going to think you're perfect, but they'll still love you anyway."
Joyce didn't know how to respond to that. Hopper was speaking in generalities, but the comment felt more personal than it should. She and Hop didn't sit around talking about love and relationships.
"Bob did love me."
"I'm sure he did," Hopper replied easily.
He didn't say anything else, but Joyce heard the unspoken implication. Bob loved her, but he didn't know all of her. They both knew it was the truth.
She'd kept a big part of herself hidden…the part that she shared with Hopper.
"I heard what Mrs. Newby said in there," he said, voice calm. "The statement that I'm guessing sent you fleeing outside soon after."
Bob's mom told Joyce that she was the love of Bob's life. That Joyce had been the best thing to ever happen to her son.
Joyce felt such immense guilt at the statement that it was claustrophobic. She managed a response about how wonderful Bob had been to her and then left the room as quickly as she could without drawing attention her way.
"I wasn't the best thing to happen to him. I was the worst."
"Not as far as he was concerned. What he wanted more than anything that night was for you and the kids to get out of there in one piece. He made me promise that I would get you all out of there, no matter what." Hopper stubbed out his cigarette and let it drop to the ground. "He loved you, Joyce, and he would have thought getting you out of there was worth it. He would have thought being with you was worth it."
He meant the words to be comforting, but they didn't make up for the fact that Bob was gone, that he shouldn't have had to make that sacrifice, and that she would miss him.
"Things keep getting worse."
She didn't want to lose anyone else. She couldn't lose anyone else.
"El closed the gate," Hopper repeated. "I watched her do it. They shut the lab down. It's over."
Joyce wondered if he was trying to convince herself as much as he was trying to convince her.
"It wasn't supposed to be like this. I just wanted to give my boys a normal life. I thought I was making the right choices."
Maybe there wasn't a right choice. She just wanted to do right by Will and Jonathan. She wanted to protect them. Maybe it was expecting too much to think she could find a little peace and happiness for herself in the process.
She blinked back tears and stared out at the cemetery.
"Life is messy, Joyce. We all just do the best we can."
She wasn't sure why, but at his words Joyce broke down crying for the first time that day.
"Hey, come here."
Joyce turned towards Hopper as he gathered her into a hug. She felt safe in his arms. A part of her wanted to stay there forever and let him protect her from any other dangers that might come their way. His right hand moved up and down her back and she felt the warmth even through her jacket.
Eventually, she pulled back and he let her go. Joyce wiped at her eyes.
"I think I saw some cake in there," he said. "How about we go get you a piece?"
There was cake. Chocolate. It was Bob's favorite.
"I'll meet you in there," Joyce replied.
Hopper gave her an appraising look, like he wasn't sure if he wanted to leave her outside alone.
"Cake sounds good," she added.
He nodded. "I'll see you inside."
Joyce squeezed his hand before letting it go.
Hopper started walking away, but stopped and turned around when he reached the door.
"I'm here," he said, "if you need me."
"I know, Hop. Thank you."
He went back inside and Joyce was left alone with her thoughts, but she felt lighter than she did when she first fled to the parking lot. She took a deep breath and exhaled. This may be one of the worst things she'd been through in her life, but she had survived a lot and made it through. She just had to focus on what was important.
She would keep her family safe, she would honor Bob's memory, and she wouldn't let fear rule her life. It felt easier knowing Hopper would be by her side when she needed him.
Joyce could pull herself back together.
Easy-peasy.