For the fourth time since moving in with Jon, Shawn cried himself to sleep.
The other three times had been about missing his parents and he had cried silently all those times. Tonight, that wasn't an option. Tonight, Shawn's whole body shook with sobs. He buried his face in his pillow, hoping it was enough to drown out the sound.
He cried brokenly, the feelings coming from deep inside his chest. He felt so alone, so abandoned. The sobs were so harsh that they hurt, and Shawn curled up, trying to provide himself the smallest amount of comfort.
His breath was still coming out fast and his chest felt tight with the effort of trying to slow down his breathing.
It was then that he felt the hand on his shoulder and Jon's gentle voice asking him if he was okay. That made him cry harder.
Jon had gotten up to get himself a glass of water, unable to sleep after the event of the night. He had been walking back to his room when he thought he could hear sobbing. When he had carefully opened Shawn's door to check, the sight of the teen had just about broken his heart.
Jon closed his eyes as his heart sank. He knelt down in front of the bed.
"You need to breathe. Can you sit up for me, buddy?"
It took a little while, but the sobbing teen managed to sit up on his bed, his back against the wall, knees up to his chest. He crossed his arms over his knees and buried his face in them. Jon could see that the kid's breathing was still erratic by the rise and fall of Shawn's shoulders
Jon frowned, confused. "What's going on? Did you have a nightmare?"
Shawn shook his head.
"Panic attack." came a gasped reply.
Jon immediately jumped to action, rubbing the teens back, and trying to model steady breathing, even though his own heart was racing.
After a few minutes Shawn was able to calm himself enough to look up.
"I'm okay." he whispered.
Jon let out a breath he was holding. "Has that happened before?" he asked.
Shawn nodded. It used to happen all the time when he was younger and his parents were both away for the night. But that wasn't something he wanted to talk about right now.
Instead, Shawn eyed Jon wearily, wondering if the older man was going to yell at him for waking him up.
But Jon just looked worried. "Why did it happen tonight? Did you have a nightmare?"
Shawn shook his head. "It started before." he said, his voice very quiet.
"Before, when you got home?"
Shawn nodded.
"Why didn't you say anything?!"
Shawn looked down at his hands. 'You told me not to."
Jon was about to argue that he never told Shawn anything of the sort, when his own words came back to him.
Do. Not. Speak.
Jon cringed at the memory. "That's not... you still could have..." He sighed. "Shawn, I didn't mean that you literally couldn't speak. I just didn't want to hear excuses."
Shawn shrugged slightly. "You said not to speak."
Jon closed his eyes for a second. This was going round in circles. He'd forgot how literal the kid could take things he said. He was usually more careful about the words he used, Shawn could be sensitive at times, and take things how he decided to hear them.
"Well, I shouldn't have said that, okay?"
"Okay." Came the quiet response.
They sat in silence for a little while, Jon continuing to rub Shawn's back. Shawn seemed to have relaxed a bit, the tension gone from his shoulders.
"You were really mad." Shawn said quietly, breaking the silence.
Jon sighed and stopped rubbing, gesturing for the kid to move over on his bed.
"I was... I still am." he said carefully, climbing up and sitting next to Shawn. "What you did tonight was not okay."
Shawn looked down again and fresh tears filled his eyes. "I'm sorry" he whispered.
Jon nodded. "I appreciate that." he replied.
"How much trouble am I in?" Shawn asked, looking up again. His voice sounded nervous, and impossibly young.
Jon shook his head. "I need some time to think about that one, buddy. We will talk about it tomorrow when we have both had some sleep."
Shawn nodded, but his eyes still conveyed a large amount of worry.
Jon put his arm around the kid's shoulders. "It's going to be okay though. You're already forgiven, and we will get through whatever consequences I deal out, okay?"
Shawn let out a deep breath and nodded, feeling the slightest bit more assured. "Okay."
Jon stood up then and lifted up the covers, motioning for Shawn to get in. Shawn did so, and Jon pulled the covers up over him and sat back down.
Shawn put his head down on his pillow and yawned. It had been a long night and he was all of a sudden very tired. He closed his eyes.
"You don't have to stay in here, I'm okay." Shawn said sleepily, his voice a little slurred from sleep.
"I know." Jon replied.
But it wasn't until the kid's breathing evened out and he started to lightly snore, that Jon finally got up, dropped a kiss on the sleeping teen's forehead, and left the room, closing the door quietly behind him.