It turns out waking up and waking Varun up to check for concussions isn't necessary, because neither of them get any sleep that night.
Varun's quiet for the length of the journey to KD's place. He doesn't say anything, doesn't even look up. KD respects his silence, but he knows Varun can't go on keeping things bottled up forever—he'll need to speak.
Dave told him to give Varun something light to drink, so he settles for soup. Varun drinks a little, though he doesn't really appear aware of what he's drinking, and KD wonders if he should offer him a couple of painkillers. He finally does, but Varun shakes his head. KD decides to keep them on hand just in case Varun needs them during the night.
He puts Varun to bed, tucking the blanket gently around him and stroking his hair before wishing him a good night. Varun's eyes are large and dark in his pale face. He still doesn't respond. KD, who's beginning to get worried, doesn't go to bed. He goes and sits in the room next to Varun's, pressing his forehead.
How do I even begin to approach this? He won't speak and I don't know how to bring it up.
KD goes to check on Varun a long, slow three hours later. He doubted he'd find Varun asleep, but he definitely didn't expect to find him stading and staring out of the window. The room is dark, but KD can make up Varun's slender frame leaning against the wall, his hands crossed over his chest.
KD looks at him for some time before approaching and putting a hand on his shoulder. 'Can't sleep?'
Varun doesn't immediately reply, doesn't even appear to have heard the question, and KD's about to gently tell him that he needs to say something when Varun speaks for the first time since KD saw him that night. 'I'm supposed to be upset, aren't I?'
KD considers his words carefully before speaking. 'Is that how you feel? How do you feel, Varun?'
'I'm shocked, yes,' Varun says, his voice hauntingly empty, 'I'm sad a young girl died, and so suddenly and brutally at that. I'm sad I lost a friend. But I'm not… I don't feel sad because my girlfriend died. Does that make me heartless? Monstrous?'
He's gripping his elbows so hard his nails are digging into it. KD moves forward and gently pried them off, worried he'd aggravate the wound on his elbow. 'Why do you feel that way? Would you like to tell me?'
Varun turns around and looks at him. He's trembling again and, on top of that, he's swaying. KD holds his elbow—the one that's not hurt—to steady him if he were to fall.
'I'd been having trouble with Shefali for quite some time now', he begins, his voice still flat and empty. 'You've probably guessed. We fought frequently and, well, she could be a little violent when things when her temper got the better of her. I went to visit her this evening, to try and reconcile, but we fought. Again. Shefali's friend lives in the apartment opposite and told us to go out and cool off. We went for a drive in her car and… this happened.'
KD thinks back to the bruises he saw, to Varun's little jokes about Shefali's temper. I should have asked him about it, he thinks. I should have insisted he tell me. I'm a lawyer. I ought to have known better.
Varun's grown quiet again, so KD decides to bite the bullet. He takes one of Varun's hands between his own. It's cold. He rubs in gently, feeling how tense the muscles are.
'I overheard some of your conversations', he says. 'I didn't mean to, but it happened. Shefali didn't like me very much, did she?'
'No', Varun admits, looking down. 'She… she wanted me to… I mean, she wanted me to work elsewhere…' He starts suddenly, looking at KD with big, earnest eyes. 'But I didn't, I swear. I told her so. And tonight… I told her in the car I wanted to break up…'
KD doesn't say anything. Varun closes his eyes and sighs, then continues. 'I think she wasn't quite expecting to hear that. She… I think she lost control of the car and the last thing I remember is the car swerving into the wall. I don't know who called the police'.
'Varun', KD says gently, 'I would hear you defend me frequently on the phone to Shefali. I'm touched you think so much and so highly about me, but you didn't have to do that, you know. I'd happily find you another position if it meant you would be happy. Nothing matters more to me.' Not even the fact I'd miss you every day.
'I wouldn't be', Varun says. 'She didn't understand that'. His voice rises suddenly. 'You don't seem to understand either. Or is this a cue it's time for me to leave?'
Varun's starting to sound hysterical, so KD raises his hands and tries to diffuse the situation. 'I know', he says, 'That is why I never said anything. But now that I think about it I should have. I'm sorry. It was remiss of me.'
Varun doesn't say anything. They sit together, and KD speaks after some time, coming back to Varun's original question.
'For what my opinion is worth, Varun, you're not a monster', he says. 'You're upset about Shefali's death. So am I. But she was hurting you, wasn't she?
'I've seen many abused women in the course of my career, Varun, but I've also seen enough of the world to realize that women can abuse men, too—as can other men. I understand things were slowly escalating between you and Shefali. I've seen your bruises. It does not make you heartless because you probably feel some sense of relief at being free from that. I too wish your long drive hadn't ended in such tragedy, but you weren't wrong in wanting to break up. It's okay.'
Varun's been listening to his little speech with his head down, and KD isn't sure whether he's heard it. As soon as he stops talking, however, Varun looks up. His eyes are brimming with tears—the first time he's cried that night—and KD places a hand on his cheek.
Varun, in response, flings himself on KD, wrapping his arms around him and burying his face in his neck. He's crying openly now, and KD feels a lump in his own throat as he pulls Varun closer, holding him with one hand and rubbing his back with the other.
They stay that way for a long time.
KD will take Varun to the doctor's in the morning. He'll ask Varun in the morning whether he wants to go meet Shefali's parents. He'll tell him that the police will want to talk to him—that, in short, things might almost certainly be worse before they get better.
I'll also take my own advice, he thinks. Someday I'll tell Varun exactly how much he means to me.
He rests his head atop Varun's curly hair. It doesn't matter right now if he's never said it out loud—Varun feels and knows he's loved, and that he'll always have a place in KD's home. And heart.
He knows he's not alone.
The title is from the song 'I'll Stand by You' by Pretenders. Here's the link to the song (with lyrics) for those interested:
watch?v=Ca5WJ8zWVTs