He put the ring back into his pocket and stalked towards Nellie, who jumped in startlement when he reached her. He didn't say a word, just opened the cabin and grabbed her arm to pull her inside, closing the door behind him. There they were once again, barber and baker in absolute darkness.
"Sweeney I…" Nellie began somewhat apologetically, realising he hadn't been in the cabin and thus couldn't have opened the door for her no matter how loud she screamed. He wasn't ignoring her… and she felt guilty, but also scared to be at the receiving end of his likely fury at her insults. And that was precisely the problem. Remembering her purpose, she summoned back that fieriness she was exhibiting in the corridor. "Let go of me!"
He released her arm and took a step back, determined not to lose control this time and say and do things he would later regret. However, he was going to be very clear with her. "You're not leaving me, Eleanor. Now or ever."
"You can't keep me with you against my will. I'm not your prisoner" she said but her delivery was weaker than she'd expected. There was something about being in the dark with him that had her on edge even if this time he wasn't as close and he had yet to take a razor out. Perhaps because it was a metaphor for their relationship, never knowing what to expect. "Just like I could never keep you with me against yours…"
Sweeney frowned. "What are you even on about now? I never attempted to leave you."
"No, you just planned to toss me into a bleeding fire, pregnant or not" she spat. She was so tired, she was no longer mincing her words. But the panic that invaded her whenever she dared to speak her mind like this, to be more forceful or firm or do something she knew he didn't approve of was the very reason she was doing all that now. Only that this time, she came prepared.
In her travel bag was a small gun she'd bought years ago when she was a lone widow at mercy of thugs and whatnot. It was a form of protection though she fortunately never had to use it. That was the same reason she decided to bring it to America with her, not knowing what dangers they could encounter. And what Nellie feared the most at the moment was standing mere inches from her. She was determined to pull the trigger if she had to, regardless of whether her target was the man she'd always loved. Because there was someone she loved even more now, an innocent being she would not fail even if that was the last thing she did.
Sweeney was silently pondering her words, thinking of what to say to that as Nellie took a couple of steps back until she felt the wall behind her. She edged left towards the side of the bed where she remembered seeing her travel bag last time the corridor door was fully open and light came in. Sure enough, the back of her legs soon collided with the old leather bag. Knowing she had the weapon close; she took a deep breath before saying with surprising vehemence: "This… what we have now has to end."
Nellie Lovett was determined to leave him, no matter how much it hurt. She would be lying if she said this was first time the idea crossed her mind. Temptation to just give up on him was always at the back of her mind whenever she felt her efforts to reach him where in vain, that she was just crashing against the hard wall of his impenetrable heart over and over again. But her delusions always held her back and she managed to convince herself without fail that if she waited just a tiny bit longer, he would love her, and they would have their happy ending by the sea. All good things come to those who can wait, but she was done waiting and hoping.
She was leaving him for her child. She could never forgive herself if something happened to it because she was a blind fool whose fantasies about Sweeney changing weighed more than his actual actions. And Nellie knew that if they kept this up, she would spend the rest of her life walking on eggshells round him, afraid of upsetting him, afraid of accidentally getting on his bad side and unleashing his fury to the point of no return. Perhaps she deserved it, for lying to him, for all the sins she'd committed, but her child was blameless even if its parents were monsters. She would keep her baby safe.
But she was also doing it for Sweeney's sake, because spending the rest of your life trapped in a loveless marriage to a woman you'll never truly forgive and with a child you don't want was the definition of a nightmare in her eyes, no matter how Nellie herself had fantasised about that life with him. And he'd eventually resent her, he'd grow to hate her if he didn't already. Nellie Lovett couldn't bear to be with a man who despised her when she stupidly still loved him with all her heart, when she was sure she always would.
"You are my wife" he stated, and her treacherous heart leaped in excitement. She used to dream about being his wife day and night, of him acknowledging her as such, but not like this. Not when she was sure that if he were given the chance to go back in time to be with Lucy, he'd take it. He was just with her because he thought the alternative would be complete loneliness and that was a daunting prospect even for him. But how good the title sounded… Sweeney Todd's wife, Mrs. Nellie Todd. Oh, how she wished things were different…
"It's just a stupid paper, it's not real" she forced herself back to reality. It was time to be practical like she always was except for when it came to him. "We'll go through migration as a married couple, then we'll go our separate ways. I don't think anyone will be suspicious because I bet I'm not the first wife abandoned by her husband as soon as they reach the promised land."
"I'm not letting you go; you hear me?" His tone was more forceful now, but he was far from his aggressive self. Funny, she would have thought he'd go ballistic but perhaps deep inside he was relieved she was finally setting him free and the only reason he was posing some resistance was his wounded pride.
"I'm not giving you a choice" she said firmly. If she didn't hold her ground now, she never would and that would only lead to tragedy.
"Nellie… Nell… be reasonable. We're in this together, my pet" he whispered softly and her heart was once again screaming for her to cave in and forgive him and to keep believing in happy future with him, a happy family with him and his baby. But experience had taught her that nothing good came from listening to your heart.
She turned round, her back to him as she busied herself with something Sweeney couldn't see, effectively ignoring him. He gritted his teeth; he was having trouble controlling himself. She was serious, she meant it! After all they'd been through, after she shamelessly lied to get into his bed and then his heart, she had the gall to try and drop him like a used handkerchief when she no longer needed him! "So that's it, you're leaving me" he muttered before raising his voice as the green-eyed monster made its foreseeable appearance. "You find a rich man that pays you any sort of attention and you immediately want to get rid of me, the man you swore you loved! You selfish cow!"
"Of course not! Mr. Winslow has nothing to do with it, I don't even see him like that!" she reassured him though she was not sure why she kept trying. He always saw her as some sort of jezebel willing to shag everything that moved if that served her interests and while that hurt her, it was nothing compared to him accusing her of not loving him. She swallowed the lump in her throat before continuing. "If I didn't love you, Sweeney, I wouldn't have done a fraction of what I did for you. I may have lied about Lucy, but I wasn't lying when I told you I love you. I wish I didn't, but it's true. I can't help it, I just love you. But we can't be together."
Tears welled in her eyes, but Nellie was trying her best not to release them despite the hopelessness she felt. Oh, how she wished she could love him less. Because it already hurt to envision a future without him even if she knew it was the logical choice to make, the sane choice to make; and she couldn't imagine how she would feel when he was no longer in her life. When he became nothing but a memory of the many lows and the few highs that made life worth living. As heartless and evil as he was, he was the best she'd ever had, the only one she'd ever loved. He had her heart and when he left, he'd take a part of her forever. She would never be whole again, half-alive, for the rest of her damn existence. She supposed that's how he felt about Lucy and she found herself feeling sympathetic towards the man in the midst of her self-inflicted despair. She could not help it.
Sweeney noticed her trembling though she had yet to shed a tear and made a motion to gather her into his arms. But she stopped him before he did. Sweeney ran a hand through his jet-black hair. "If you love me, why do you want to leave me? We could have a life, together, Nell. Maybe not like you dreamed or like I remembered. But we could get by."
Her own words had come back to haunt her, and God they sounded even better coming from his lips. She paused, trying to find the right words. To convince herself as well as him that they had to part ways, knowing it was now or never. But as she opened her mouth, everything she'd been keeping to herself came out unfiltered.
"It all comes down to trust. I can't trust you, Sweeney, and you can't trust me, no matter what you say. You can trust a woman who lied about the love of your life and I can't trust mine after you tried to kill me and our baby. I've tried to be put it all behind, I've tried to pretend nothing happened, but I can no longer delude myself into believing that everything will be alright, that sunshine and rainbows await me at the end of the tunnel where the grass is greener and that all my scars will magically vanish. I used to look at the bright side of everything, you know I did, but now I can only see the worst outcome of everything, the worst of you… and I don't know how to shake this feeling or even if I want to go back to my delusion, you know where it got me last time… And you told me you're sorry and that it's not happening again, but I don't think I can believe you. I don't know if I can forgive you. I know I can't forget. You must feel the same, I know you will never truly forgive me for lying and why should we keep this charade up for no reason, when everything has been doomed from the start. I just don't want to keep living a lie, it's not worth it, it will just be more painful at the end and we don't need that and…"
She blabbered on, all her eloquence out of the window when it came to talking about her feelings. She knew she wasn't making much sense, but Sweeney thought he had the gist of it narrowed down. It was very clear to him that he had to speak now, to reassure her that he loved her, that her dreams were not utopias but real possibilities and that only together they could leave the past behind to begin a new life, to be happy. But as usual, words failed him when he needed them the most. And then she said something that left him completely disarmed. "I'm sorry, I've just changed, I'm not the same fool who believed in fairy tales and saw some good in everything. I'm scared all the time and I feel… broken, we're broken. I'm beginning to think you did kill me at the bakehouse."
Pain makes people change, his own words on repeat on his tired mind. It was then that he understood: Nellie had indeed changed, she wasn't much like the bright girl he was fortunate to meet or even like the dark yet cheery woman who welcomed him back home, and he'd been the one to change her.
His indifference, his selfishness, his constant battering and the last nail in the coffin, attempting to burn her and their baby alive at the bakehouse had finished off the Nellie he knew, just like his years in Australia killed the man he once was. And he'd been her executioner like Judge Turpin and those overseers had been his. Perhaps he hadn't started it, her abusive parents and her brutish first husband were to blame for that, but there was no doubt in his mind that him, the man she'd loved for fifteen years, had culminated the destruction of Nellie Price. He could not imagine a greater pain.
Nellie looked at him, immobile, silent. A lone tear ran down her cheek. Of course, he wasn't going to say anything, she didn't matter that much to him. Her baring of her heart had not moved him one bit. He'd probably just realised that she came with more baggage than he though. She was all flaws, and scars and open wounds and she was no longer trying to conceal it. I'm just not worth it, was the realisation she came to. There was a reason why no one in her thirty-three years on this earth had truly loved her despite how hard she'd tried.
In any case, his silence equalled acceptance in her book. It was over between her and Sweeney. That was what she wanted, wasn't it?
He was lost in his thoughts, internally berating herself for his behaviour, for his mistreatment of the woman that from day one had only tried to help him, only tried to love him. He barely registered her crying nor her rummaging through her travel bag, seemingly taking something from it before closing it again. He only came out of his reverie when she straightened up and with the travel bag in hand, marched for the door.
"Where are you going?" he asked. It would be so easy to voice his inner fears, that she was likely moving out to that dirty piper's luxurious cabin as his live-in whore, but he held himself, knowing it would only push her further away, especially if he was in the wrong. After what she'd reluctantly shared with him, he was certain he had to handle her with care now. And it was not going to be easy, but he had to try.
Nellie on her part was done with explaining herself, knowing he would just jump to the wrong conclusion either way. But just when she was about to exit the cabin, something shifted in her. She hated it when he kept her in the dark, how it filled her with worry. The part of Nellie who would still do anything for him took the initiative for the first time this evening, if only to reassure him. As if he cared… "I'm moving to the single women's cabin for the remaining of the trip."
Clear, concise, her voice did not quiver. It was a statement, not a question but Sweeney would not allow it. "No!" he exclaimed, and Nellie rolled her eyes, he would not stop her. She'd convinced herself that he no longer had that power over her. "Please stay, Eleanor" there was something softer in his voice this time, something that made her freeze as he called her name. But she could not afford to be swayed and he knew that.
"I know how those shared cabins are, packed to the rafters, bunk beds on top of one another and rats running around the floors gnawing at anything they can get their teeth on. Such environment can't be good for the baby and I know your sleep has been lighter as of late, you need to rest well." Truth be told, it had been a spontaneous decision on Nellie's part, and she was annoyed to realise that he made sense. Even if he was just doing it to keep her under his control, his arguments were reasonable. "Stay at our cabin and I'll go if you want me to."
She tensed at that. "But there are no single men cabins! You'd have to sleep in the hold with everyone who couldn't afford a cabin ticket and that's way worse than the single ladies' cabin! You know what transpires in the hold…" Pickpocketing, fights, rape, perhaps even murder. It was the equivalent of the outskirts of central London she'd grown up in and Nellie couldn't help but worry. She quickly caught herself and tried to fix it, not to let the whole imperturbable woman façade down so fast. "Actually, you could sleep on the deck, for all I care." Besides, there was no need to worry, it was the other passengers who should fear Sweeney Todd.
Sweeney's mouth curled up into a small smile, relieved to see that there was still a part of Nellie that did care about him, even if she wanted to pretend otherwise. "We can both stay here. I'll just sleep on the armchair if sharing a bed with me makes you uncomfortable."
She didn't reply but he was relieved to see she dropped the travel bag, signalling she was staying. Still, she wasted no time in leaving the room, probably off to dinner with her generous benefactor. Sweeney sighed. He knew he couldn't confront her, he could no longer forcefully stake his claim on her unless he wanted to lose her forever. He'd be patient, he'd give her the space she clearly wanted even if it killed him, he owed her that much. All good things come to those who can wait, she'd told him once and she was more than worth waiting for.
Exhausted and resigned, he plopped down on the armchair that would be his bed for the night. The rhythmic motions of the waves rocking the ship lulled him to sleep before he could do anything about it. Nightmares plagued his restless slumber, like they always did when she was not by his side, and he eventually awoke with a start hours later. Taking a deep breath, he made his way to the double bed she was the sole occupant of, seeking the familiar comfort of her warm skin. Even if he couldn't hold her like he craved, just the sound of her steady breathing and her sweet mumblings always had an instantly calming effect on him.
He slowly sat down on the mattress, careful not to wake her. He couldn't hear her, but the reverberant sound of the waves crashing against the ship's metal structure could be blamed for that. A violent storm was raging outside, akin to the one taking place in his heart. He tentatively extended his hand, dying to feel her, but was horrified when his fingers came in contact with the cold hard mattress.
Eleanor wasn't in bed.