Chapter 2

Sacrifice

The explosion was all over the news. The FBI was all over the halls of their building. It was chaos, everywhere.

Most of the staff had gathered in the conference room, but there wasn't a TV screen in the building that didn't have it on.

Cal had stepped into the room and shuffled his way close to the front to get as close to the TV as he could, hovering just in front of Gillian. She had a fleeting thought to chastise him for not wearing his glasses.

Then Zoe and Emily arrived and all at once Cal's mission switched to protecting his daughter from the horrors of the world and making sure that her mother would be as safe as possible. Selfishly, Gillian felt alone again for the first time in over a week. He had been so attentive to her once he had learned about the impending demise of her marriage. She felt guilty at just the fleeting thought to be jealous that he would lavish his attention instead upon his own family.

Alone in her office, the startling ring of her cell phone made her jump. When she looked at the caller ID she almost didn't answer the call. But she found that even now she couldn't ignore him.

He was so sweet on the phone. He sounded so worried about her. It was almost like talking to the old Alec. Back when they did talk. She thanked him, and she guessed he must have heard an opening there. Just as quickly as she felt loved when he started the call, she felt the manipulation that she had finally recognised. He was trying to use this as a chance to convince her to stay. Only a couple of months ago she'd have fallen into the trap. But now, knowing what he was doing, remembering the years of gaslighting and deceit, she felt anger swell within her instead of guilt.

The guilt came after she disconnected the call. She really didn't need this right now. The tears prickled at her eyes for a moment as she tried to fight them off, but it was impossible to stop it. All of the stresses of the last few weeks, combined with the trauma of the day overwhelmed her and she lost the battle. Tears spilled down her cheeks and just as she reached up to wipe away the first onslaught, the door to her office made the tell-tale sound of Cal Lightman bursting through it. The man always did have impeccable timing.

It didn't take a man of his talents to see she was distraught. Foster wasn't one to fall apart in the middle of a case, even one as traumatic as this one. He took one look at her and the pieces simply fell right into place.

"That Alec?" he asked with a tenderness that betrayed him.

She nodded her head in answer, sharp nods up and down as she continued to wipe away the wetness of her face, sniffling uncontrollably. Grateful she had gone for the casual, minimal make-up look that morning.

Cal moved further into the room and rested his hand on her bicep, ducking his head to look her in the eye, all the while knowing that the last thing she wanted was for anyone to see her like this.

"I hope you remembered to tell him from me that he's a stupid wanker," he said, completely deadpan.

She closed her eyes to the fresh assault of new tears streaming but couldn't hold back the laugh. Finally he smiled, knowing he'd gotten the exact reaction he needed to see from her.

He reluctantly turned the conversation then to Dupree, Torres' boyfriend who was missing in action.

They argued about it briefly, but ultimately when Torres arrived at her door she went along with what Cal wanted.

The whole thing left a sour taste in her mouth. Thinking about how she was lying to Torres, it made her think about the lies she lived with Cal. She knew now for sure that she was in love with him. The way he was acting since she told him about Alec, even before that if she really thought about it, it made her think that maybe he felt more than friendship for her too. And then there was the Zoe issue. It was a disaster waiting to happen. This whole mess with Torres and Dupree, it made her want to tell Cal everything and just face the consequences.

Even through the mess of the day, even with the terror weaving through the country, the burden of admin never stopped. The fact that she would have to deal with her divorce lawyer, the bank, the moving company, through all of this seemed insane to her. But she knew if she didn't sort it out as and when it came up, she risked backtracking on the whole thing. She needed to escape this marriage. It was suffocating her.

She hung up the phone with a thank you and blessed as she was with the timing of her father, in walked Emily Lightman to make sure she didn't have time to dwell on her own problems.

Emily was sixteen, but sometimes she looked so much younger. Sometimes she acted so much younger. But sometimes, as children often do, she was a beacon of innocent, honest reality. Emily had always seemed to trust Gillian to tell her the truth about the world in as delicate a fashion as possible.

Cal was off saving the world, Zoe was off preparing for the fallout of that, and here was their daughter just looking for someone to tell her that nothing was ok. So like her father. Gillian couldn't do that. In her heart, Gillian believed it would have to be ok in the end, even if it was all far from ok right now. And Emily would just have to deal with that.

Then she brought up the matter of her parents. The last thing Gillian wanted to think about was how much time Cal was spending with Zoe. A few weeks ago she would have tried to convince herself that it was just concern for a friend. Zoe was as bad for Cal as Alec had become for her. Emily saw right through her. It was uncanny.

"He's so much happier when he's with you."

She was saved from having to reply in the midst of a butterfly attack on her stomach by the sharp banging on her door.

"Your mum's here. You should get your things," she said with a smile that she knew was far from convincing even to the teenager.

She couldn't quite bring herself to feel happy to see Zoe, but she was most certainly relieved to not have to deal with Emily's leading statement.

'Oh yeah? Well the feeling is more than mutual, Em.'

Don't be stupid Gillian. You've been keeping secrets from him for your entire relationship. You still have a wedding band on you.

But she could no loner deny how much she wanted it. Not after Emily said that and her insides decided to do a somersault in celebration.

The interactions with Torres weighed on her mind. Seeing her kept in the dark like that, and how upset she was about it all. Seeing Cal so convinced that the lie was the only way. She couldn't get the thoughts of her own lies to him out of her mind.

Her thoughts debated back and forth. If he feels so strongly about the Dupree situation, surely he would understand their own. No, he would be furious. He'd never speak to her again. Worse still, he'd do exactly what he would have done back then and seek out revenge. The truth always comes out in the end. Wouldn't it be better to be in control of it?

The cycle was endless. No sooner had she thought the first point again for the hundredth time, the rebuttal came back. She was tormented by it. She decided in the end to forget it. Things were how they had to be.

After the mystery of the attacks was solved, and the day had settled finally, Gillian retreated back to the solitude of her office. She distracted herself with anything and everything she could so she wouldn't have to face reality. An empty home, boxes still stacked in the hallways. Her suitcases packed and ready to go. Her husband, still a thousand miles away, not yet ready to return to the same reality she was submerged in.

Once again, her best arrival drew her away from her own lingering fears and doubts.

"Hey. Still here?"

"Where else am I gonna go, huh?" she answered as she turned to face him.

"How you doin'? You alright?"

"I'm ok." It was a lie, and he knew it, although neither of them really knew exactly where they lie lay.

He approached her like she was a startled dog. His awkward hand reaching out to caress the back of her shoulder, uncertain if she would welcome the contact or not.

"Do you want to talk about it, love?"

She leaned into it for a second and then stood and moved to rest her body against the edge of her desk so she could face him on more level terms. He shifted subtly closer to her and she had to fight those butterflies again. This was so wrong. The weight of her wedding ring reminded her that she was far from free to feel those kinds of things for another man.

"Just been a long day. Talking to Alec. Dealing with the business of separation," she rolled her eyes at herself at that, "Ok, divorce. I guess I can admit that now. In the middle of all this chaos. I'm just tired. And sad. And realising that my marriage is really over."

He nodded with understanding and instead of feeling irritated by that like she thought she might when talking to anyone about her marriage, she felt happy to have him there, leaning into her.

"It's a lot. Right?," he said with a caring smile. "It's a lot to process. But I'm here for you. You know that. Whatever you need."

She gave him a nod of agreement. Before he could say anything further a thought occurred to her. "You didn't say anything to Emily, did you? About me and Alec?"

"No, why would I? I've barely had two minutes to talk to her about anything recently. Why?" he asked with confusion.

"Nothing. Just something she said today. Made me wonder. She's way too insightful for our own good," she joked.

He laughed right along with her at that, and then the mood settled back into serious.

"I'm going to the hospital. To talk to Torres."

"You think she's going to be ok with all this?"

"That's what I'm going to make sure of."

"I hated keeping all that from her."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"It's ok. She was furious with me though."

"It had to be done, Gill. We may not have got to this point without it."

"I know. Still."

He rested his hand against her forearm then and stepped towards her again.

"Stay at mine tonight."

"Emily?"

"With Zoe."

"She knows about you two by the way."

"There's nothing to know, Gill. Not anymore."

"She's not stupid, Cal. Neither am I."

"It's done. I realised something recently, and I can't keep doing this thing with her. It's hurting all of us."

She wasn't sure how to gauge that statement. He spotted her cautious stare and hesitated. Leaned in closer still towards her and she rested her hand on his chest, rubbing lightly over his heart.

"You should go," she said. "Really. You should go, see Torres."

He didn't move. He knew she was right. But he was frozen in this moment with her. They were on the precipice. The spark was there, all it needed was a fuse. He would never be sure where it came from, or why in that moment, but he suddenly had to be certain.

"Are you sure you and Alec are over?"

She wasn't expecting him to turn the conversation back to this. Not tonight at least.

"Yeah," she said with a nervous laugh. "Like, super over."

"Why?"

"Why? For a ton of reasons. But I guess ultimately because I'm not in love with him anymore. There's nothing left to fight for."

He closed his eyes at her answer, nodding silently to himself in an internal debate. Without warning, he moved with his eyes still closed to shield against the rejection he was sure was coming. He closed the distance between them and pressed his mouth against hers, emptying every feeling he'd kept hidden from her into his kiss.

She was tired, she was upset, she was filled with a rage of tumultuous thoughts, but when he pressed into her she gave as good as she got.

She clutched up a handful of his shirt in her fists and pulled him closer. She opened her mouth the second she felt him deepen the kiss. The first touch of his tongue against hers was electric. And there was no denying anymore that she was very much in love with Cal Lightman. She knew it. He knew it. She'd bet that even Emily Lightman knew it.

He stepped forward to close the last tiny gap between their bodies, standing between the legs that she had parted to allow him as close as she could. His hands gripped her hips and pulled her full body against his. Her hands removed themselves from their purchase on his shirt and wound themselves up around his neck and waist. Her fingers threaded up through his hair.

She moaned into his mouth in a breathy high-pitched sigh and by reflex he thrust his hips forward into her. Somewhere in the back of her mind a voice reminded her of where they were. Of who they were. And of how much their timing sucked.

She pulled back, pressing the palms of her hands against his stomach and pushing lightly to give him the hint. He leaned back, his grip still firm on her hips, his pupils dilated but his eyes wild.

"Sorry?" he was checking with her. Needing to know if he had screwed up. Apparently unable to read the desire warring with common sense on her face.

"You have to go see Torres."

"I have to do that again first."

"Cal. We can't."

"You've left him."

"It's not just that."

"I told you, me and Zoe are done."

"It's not just that."

"Gill," he begged, moving in again to nuzzle against her face, planting perfect little kisses on her skin.

Her resolve broke. "There are things I haven't told you. Things that could change everything between us, Cal."

He moved back now. "What things?"

"Go see Torres, ok? She needs to yell at you."

"What things, Gillian?"

"Another time. Go."

She wasn't answering his calls. He drove by her house, the one she still officially lived in, and there was no sign of life there either. In a rare show of optimism, he drove by his own house. She wasn't there either. And so he found himself once again wandering the halls of the Lightman group in the middle of the night when the Automatic lights were shutting down.

He stood outside the door to her office staring through the glass wall in confusion. The lights were off. he thought maybe she was sleeping on that overstuffed two seater couch she had tucked in the corner, but no. there was no sign of her. He went through the shortcut of the adjoining mini-lab attached to her office and through the lab and then gave up.

He figured since he was there, he may as well tidy up a few things in his office. With Zoe taking Emily back to hers now that the danger had passed, he figured he may as well have a drink in his office and maybe a kip on his own couch.

He entered from the back door into his storage room turned library, through the sliding door into his office and parked himself wearily into the seat behind his desk. He closed his eyes, leaned back in the seat and took a deep breath, then released it along with some of the stresses of the day.

Committed now to the idea of having a drink he sat up straight and opened his eyes, about to move from his seat to get himself a miniature bottle of scotch from his stash. And he froze. There, curled up on her side on his office couch was the very same Dr Gillian Foster he had searched across two states for this evening. Fast asleep.

He picked up a pen from his desk and launched it across the room at her, startling her awake as soon as it hit her on the leg.

"Somebody's been sleeping in my bed," he joked.

"Well my couch was too small," she mumbled sleepily.

"And this one was just right was it?"

She smiled at him, her eyes still closed, and snuggled further down into his cushions.

"Fancy a drink?" he offered.

She opened one eye and asked, "What time is it?"

"Going on midnight I'd guess."

She came more fully awake then and shuffled awkwardly into sitting. "Why are you here?"

"Looking for you, actually. But then I gave up and came here, and low and behold. Always the last place you look, eh?"

She wiped at her tired eyes and while she tried to find her mental balance he asked, "Why are you here? You could have had a bed a my house instead of a couch in my office, Gill. Why you being so stubborn?"

"I was planning on going home. Really. I just… Didn't want to."

He stood and moved across the room, planting himself down beside her on the seat and leaving no space between them. He draped his arm around behind her, low on the seat where her hips rested.

"I don't want you to be alone. More importantly, I'm not in the mood for being alone. Let's just go to mine. We can have a drink and come in late tomorrow."

"Cal," she began with a warning tone.

"There's no way I imagined it. Earlier, I mean."

"Cal," she tried again more firmly.

"Give me one good reason why not? A good one, Gill. Not an excuse."

She held up her left hand between them, "I'm still wearing this, for a start."

He reached out and grasped the hand, attempting to take the ring from her finger. She fought him off, but he got the laugh he was looking for.

"Do you need time? To get over him?"

She thought about lying to him, but she didn't have it in her. "No. It's not that. I'm already over him, as bad as that sounds."

"It doesn't sound bad. You held on for as long as anyone could."

He waited for her to give him a reason, but she stayed silent. Totally introspective.

"So what is it then? You know how I feel. You must do."

"You're still in love with Zoe."

"No. I'll always love her. I will. I admit that. And I'm still attracted to her. But even as angry as I was when she left, I knew she was right. I was just afraid of losing Em."

"You're sleeping with her."

"Not anymore. Just sex anyway, wasn't it? That's the one thing we managed to get right in our relationship."

Gillian hesitated. "It'd never work with us."

"You say that, but we're compatible in every way. We get each other like nobody else ever has. And if earlier on tonight is anything to go by, there's definitely the right chemistry for more. Unless you want to tell me that you didn't feel that?"

One look at her told him that she definitely felt it.

"So what? What's the problem? You need time? To make it look good for the divorce? To give you time to be single and see what that's like?"

It was none of that. He knew that, while she felt those were practical reasons, none of that was the crux of the problem.

He moved towards her, tightening his grip around her hips and tilting his body to face her on the couch. With his other hand he gently grasped her jaw and turned her to face him. He saw the fear and the doubt and the uncertainty and decided that the best way to drive it away was to kiss her again.

It was just as intense as the first time. His lips barely waited for a millisecond to see if she would respond. He placed his mouth on hers, slightly parted, sucking her bottom lip before slipping his tongue between her own parted lips. Instinctively she pressed herself into and against him with a sigh of pure desire.

The kiss rendered her unable to articulate any thought beyond 'more' for what felt like an age.

Eventually, he slowed them down, put the slightest distance between their bodies and with only enough distance that their noses still brushed, an his eyes still closed her whispered, "see?".

She sobered immediately. She wanted this so badly. And he was apparently now so confident in her feelings for him that he was going to push the issue. She had to tell him before she made it worse.

"I've been lying to you."

He froze, sure that he must have misheard her.

He pushed against him and moved away.

"Since before we met. I've been hiding things from you."

"I beg you pardon?"

"About the Pentagon."

She could probably count on one hand the number of times she'd seen him sit up perfectly straight. She swallowed nervously. There was no going back now.

"I need you to promise me, you won't do anything stupid when I tell you this."

"Tell me what?"

The danger in his tone reminded her of who he could be sometimes. She loved him, but this side of him scared her. She had to tell this to him in a way that wouldn't set him on a revenge mission, regardless of what it did to them.

She told him the story, as a narrative from start to finish. She didn't name names, even their own. She told him about how she knew who he was before his name was even mentioned to her in the halls of the Pentagon. She told him how she had read his books, and been fascinated by his work. She always believed he had been missing part of the puzzle by only focusing on the face. The human body was capable of so many modes of communication, and each and every one of them told a story, and were capable of telling truths and untruths. She had admired him without ever meeting him.

At first, when she was approached about her assignment, she had tried to refuse and recommend someone else. She admired his work. She thought him brilliant. She didn't think that was a great set up for a psych evaluation as sensitive as this one.

She was refused her request. She was doing this whether she liked it or not. She was given the basics of the situation. The very basics. What had happened, what he had done, and what they needed to happen. Her professional integrity insisted that she ignore the implied instructions and do her job with the honesty she always prided herself on.

And then, the night before they met for the first time in her dull grey office, with her dull grey dress code and his equally dull grey suit, in the middle of the night, hidden in dark and shadow, came the knock on her door. Alec was away. She was in the house alone. They would have known that.

She bristled at the coded threat to her safety. She would not allow them to intimidate her. And then the shadowed figure found her weak spot. He had a wife and a little girl. Just like Jimmy Doyle had. Accidents happen. And it was only one man's career at steak really. All the rest would happen with or without her cooperation.

She complied at the bare minimum standard.

"The last thing I expected was for you to approach me about working with you," she finished. "I tried to say no. but I really didn't want to. I never imagined we'd be any more than business associates and research partners. Cal, I never dreamed that any of this would happen. That you'd become my best friend… That I'd end up falling in love with you."

She had said it. Out loud. Probably at the worst possible time, but now it was out there.

He had been looking in desolation at his hands in his lap, but when she said that his head was drawn up, slowly and beyond his conscious control. His first thought when he saw her face was that she must have an awful headache from all the crying she'd been doing today. Or today and yesterday, as it occurred to him.

She felt his eyes on her and the shame and guilt that had accumulated since that day washed over her.

"I'm so sorry, Cal."

"Stop that."

She stopped. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to be stopping, so at his instruction she just stopped everything and waited for him.

"What were you supposed to do, eh?"

She didn't know. She just knew that she had betrayed him. For the last six years, she had been betraying him continuously. And now, now that he was trying to push them to the next stage, a point she had half expected them to end up for a little while now if she were truly honest, she was fully in the depths of feeling that betrayal. She expected that he would shout, belittle her, make her feel all of the things that she felt she deserved. What was she supposed to do? What would he have done?

"You were thinking about a family that you didn't even know. You were saving Emily's life before you even knew who she was. They forced your hand on this."

Her look of utter confusion forced him to go on.

"Some government shill calls to you house making ominous threats in the middle of the night, and you think you're the bad guy?"

"I lied to you. I've been keeping this from you for six years, Cal."

"What choice did you have? Because you know what I want to do now, don't you?"

"You can't. You promised me."

"I want to find the son of a bitch who did this to you. Who threatened my wife and my little girl, and I want to beat him to a mushy pulp. I want to find Henry Andrews, and expose him for the traitor that he his. I want to go back and expose the whole operation."

"But you can't."

"I know."

"What?"

"I know. It'd be suicide. Worse still, it'd be putting you, Zoe and Emily in danger. I'm not having that. We play the long game on this one. Together. No more secrets, love. We'll get them eventually. And we'll make bloody sure they can never do this to anyone else."

The silence hung between them forever while she digested his words. Once it became clear that she had no idea how to proceed he took the reigns once more.

"So. All that stuff about you being a terrible liar?"

"It depends on the lie."

A few beats passed between them and this time she felt the need to say more.

"This is the only thing. I'm a good liar if I have to be, Cal. But I hate it. I have hated every second of this."

"Is this the reason you invented that stupid line?"

"No. That actually makes sense. You make Torres stick to it, you know it makes sense."

"Yeah. I know."

She finally plucked up the courage to look at him again. Her eyes were puffy and red and bloodshot. Her minimalist make-up for the day long since worn off. She looked miserable and awful, and he loved her beyond reason. He could see the fear. She thought they were through.

He reached for her, his arm sliding around her shoulders as he pulled her to him and leaned them both back against the back of the seat.

"I forgive you, Gill. If that's what you need to hear."

She wrapped her arms around his middle and pressed her face into his chest as she pulled her now bare feet up onto the couch beside her.

"Where does this leave us?"

"Take that wedding ring off and I'll show you."

She blinked her aching eyes up to look at his face. He was serious. She couldn't believe he wouldn't hold resentment for her over this. He hated being lied to.

"I think you need to think about everything I told you tonight, don't you?"

"Of course. I promise you, most of that is gonna be my brain screaming 'she said she loves you' while I try to think about the rest though."

"I do you know."

"I know you do. You said it, and you're a terrible liar."

She laughed into his chest and he was certain that she must have been able to hear his heart hammering in response. He squeezed her tighter and said, "I love you too, you know. I know it looks sleazy of me to be making moves on you before you're even out of his house, but I don't mean it to be… I'm in love with you. You dirty lying cow."

She lifted her head from his body and stretched up to meet his lips. This time the kiss was soft and light and not much different to the platonic kisses they occasionally shared with the exception of this one being firmly on his mouth rather than his cheek.

When she broke the kiss to check his reaction he simply said, "Come on. Let go to bed," and began to prompt them to rise from the seat they shared. The look she gave him forced him to say, "To sleep, Foster. It's after one o'clock in the morning. You can share the bed with me if you want, but don't try any funny business until I've had at least six hours."

He reached his hand to grab hers and haul her from the couch. Once she was almost steady on her feet he pulled away and went to get his jacket.

"What happens tomorrow?" she asked.

"Tomorrow, we figure all this out," he answered plainly. "We are ok, Gillian. I accept that we need to take things slowly. I agree with that. But nothing you could have told me tonight could change how I feel about you. Nothing changes what you've become to me, nor who you've been. You're still you. Even more so, actually. Everything you've done was for the benefit of someone else. Typical Foster. I'm not going to tell you that I'm not out for revenge, but I'll bide my time on that one."

"If I had told you, back then?"

"I'd have ended up getting myself or someone I love killed."

"We're really ok?"

"You did the only thing you could."

"Cal…"

"We're ok. Now stop that and come home with me. And just so you know, the second that wedding ring is gone, you and I are celebrating. Naked."

A week later they did exactly that.

A/N: again, this is just one of those things that got written when I was trying to write other things. It's not proof read, so i'm sure there's a ton of mistakes in here. If anyone reading this wants to point me in the direction of anything that needs to be corrected, i'll make a list and edit it if need be. Thanks for reading if you got this far!