Unidentified Ghostly Quadruped
The molecules making up the night air moved slowly that night, making it uncomfortably cold for most of the animals who had evolved from other animals in the immediate area. The fog moved in off the ocean and spread slowly over the moors as though the land itself were pulling on a blanket for the cold night ahead. A flying saucer moved smoothly and silently through the night sky. The command crew of the flying saucer had their headlights on full... because they found it amusing to confuse the primitive local human beings who lived on the planet below. The rest of the animals of Earth didn't really seem to care. It was just the humans who got so upset about seeing other intelligent beings in what they liked to think of as their skies.
The command centre inside the saucer was entirely silver with three squat seats all facing the same direction, and one central pole from floor to ceiling. The three seats were occupied by the command crew; Moxmox, Soxmox, and Gibbles. They were four feet tall, grey, without garments of any kind, and their faces were dominated by two very large, almond-shaped, midnight-black eyes.
Moxmox scanned for isolated humans on the land below. The small console next to his chair showed him the location of several humans. This planet was positively brimming with humans. But the closest one was driving his land vehicle down the road just below them. Moxmox sent a telepathic signal to the others that he had located a suitable subject. Soxmox manipulated the controls, moving their craft down to intercept the human which Moxmox had located. Within seconds, they were hovering directly over the vehicle. Moxmox deactivated the human's vehicle with a wave of his hand over his control panel. And finally, Gibbles activated the collection beam, and the human was quickly scooped up! They had him!
Moxmox rose gracefully to his feet, sending his colleagues the telepathic message that he would be in the operating theatre with the others.
The smooth silver connecting doors slid silently open and Moxmox found himself facing ten medical students standing around one paralyzed human being who lay on a silver operating table. The floor, ceiling and walls were also a smooth silver metallic compound which formed naturally in the mines of southern Serpo; their planet of origin. Moxmox stood over the unconscious human they had just beamed up from the ground vehicle. "Gather round," he telepathed to the students. They all moved closer and looked at the paralyzed, but still conscious, human being. The frightened and paralyzed human struggled to move, but found that he was unable to move an inch. All he could do was look up in terror at the passive, grey alien faces staring malevolently down at him.
Moxmox pulled up the human being's shirt and pointed to an area of his belly just right of the navel. He telepathed, "We will be making our incision just here. Do we all have our surgical tools?"
They did. The surgical tools in question were the alien equivalent of a Swiss army knife. It was a small thin hand-tool that was able to adapt to any need they might have during surgery. Each student had been issued with their own surgical tool at the beginning of the semester. And if they lost it, they had to pay for a new one.
"Who thinks they can make the incision?"
"I will try," Tloxmox telepathed.
"Don't get any human cooties!" Goxmox joked. Some of the students found this comment amusing and experienced a moment of mirth.
Moxmox found it inappropriate and experienced a moment of annoyance. But he ignored it. He turned to Tloxmox and telepathed, "Proceed."
Tloxmox stepped forward, lifted his surgical tool, and held it ready over the human's belly. He glanced up at Moxmox, unsure. Moxmox nodded encouragingly. Tloxmox activated the scalpel function of the surgical tool... lowered it slowly... and made his incision.
The human being cried out in pain. Blood leaked from the fresh wound.
"Can anyone tell me what Tloxmox is forgetting?"
"He should have gone to the bathroom first!" Goxmox joked.
"Anesthetic!" one of the students suggested.
"Correct."
Tloxmox drooped his shoulders, embarrassed at his mistake. He switched his surgical tool from scalpel to anesthetic. He touched it to the forehead of the human being, who immediately stopped screaming in pain.
"Very good," Moxmox telepathed. "Now insert the gromble chip."
Tloxmox turned to get the gromble chip. "Where is it?" he telepathed.
"If it was up your arse, you'd know," Goxmox burst into everyone's minds.
Moxmox telepathed to the group, "If there are any more inappropriate comments, the entire class will then be forced to mutilate another cow."
The class disliked mutilating cows. It was very messy and pointless. Not to mention discourteous to the cows. And so they all frowned dark telepathic thoughts in Goxmox's direction.
Tloxmox asked, "I still can't find it. Does anyone know where the gromble chip is?"
Goxmox finally had to admit that he had inadvertently mislaid it.
"That's it," Moxmox telepathed to the class. "Re-attach the epidermis of the human. I'll beam up another cow. And I want that thing mutilated! Understood!?"
The entire class turned their dark dislike onto Goxmox. But Goxmox was still unaware of exactly what it was he had done that was so horrible. As far as he was concerned, he was bringing a little levity into a dark and depressing universe. And what could possibly be wrong with that?
Soon the human being was repaired, memory-wiped and returned to his ground vehicle. A cow was then brought onboard, killed, and the class took turns cutting out bits of its dead body.
During the mutilation, Foxmox then sent a secret telepathic message directly to Loboxmox. He had a plan for getting even with Goxmox. Loboxmox received the message, and sent back his immediate agreement. This would put him in his place!
#
As the grey aliens were preparing to leave Earth and Floop back to their own planet Serpo in the Pleiades cluster, the students fastened everything down for the long voyage, which would last approximately four seconds. The government of course had spaceships that could Floop from Serpo to Earth in half a second. But schools just didn't have the sort of funding that the government did.
As the students finished up their task, Goxmox looked around for his surgical tool. He couldn't find it! Where was it!? When was the last time he had had it!? He couldn't remember!
He frantically sent out telepathic pleas to the rest of the students, asking them to help him locate it. But none of them knew where it was, and worse still, none of them wanted to help him.
"Is the ship secured for Floop Drive?" Soxmox asked everyone in a broadband telepathic inquiry. Goxmox desperately alerted him to the fact that he was unable to locate his surgical tool. Soxmox sent out another broadband telepathic inquiry, asking everyone onboard if they knew what had happened to Goxmox's surgical tool.
Finally, Foxmox admitted that he had inserted it into what remained of the cow's rectum which they had then beamed down to the surface of the planet Earth along with the rest of the cow's lifeless body. Soxmox informed Goxmox that he had better go and collect his surgical tool before they Flooped, but that they could not wait very long.
Goxmox beamed down to the field near the road and began to search. The night was still dark. And the only way Goxmox knew how to make light was with his surgical tool. So he continued to search the dark field without much luck. Or at least, without much good luck. He simply could not see. The damned dead cow had to be around here somewhere! He grew desperate! He began to panic and run round the field quicker, stumbling now and then on a stone or bit of twig. But then he heard the hum of the ship power up. "Don't leave without me!" his mind called out. But he hadn't made any friends on this trip. But that was mainly their fault: they had no sense of humour. How on Serpo could anyone be expected to make friends with people who had no sense of humour?
And finally, he saw his ship fly off into the vast darkness of the sky! They were actually doing it! They were leaving without him! It lifted up into the night sky… and then it quickly seemed to shrink into nothingness. Only the night sky remained. They had flooped home without him! He was alone. He waited a few moments, hoping they would come back for him and admit that it was all a joke and that they did have a sense of humour after all. But Goxmox knew that to be very unlikely.
Occasionally human vehicles drove by on the nearby road. He ducked down lower in the foliage. He waited some more. More humans drove by as the night wore on. And still the ship still failed to return. And so he continued to wait.
Eventually, the planet rotated so much that the local star shone its light down onto the landscape. Goxmox remembered that the humans' main sense of perception was sight. This was greatly facilitated by the presence of light. He would have to hide.
#
Frederick paced in his small living room. He checked the date on the wall calendar for the seventh time. It was still the ninth of January! It had been the ninth of January all day. And it was unlikely to change any time soon. The front door opened. His wife Olivia came in. "Hello, dear," she said casually.
Frederick nodded, "Dear... yes... hello. Um, I'm going to go visit Mike for a couple nights."
Olivia stood very still, and she stared at him. She kicked the front door shut behind her. Her expression froze. And it had frozen in an expression of anger. "Again?"
"Well, yes."
She took a deep breath to steady herself. She looked him in the eye and asked, "Frederick, are you having an affair?"
"What!? No!"
"Then where do you go every month?"
"To visit Mike! I just told you!"
"Every month?"
"Y', uh... yes."
"And you expect me to believe you?"
"I should certainly like it if you did."
"Fine," she said stiffly. She was not convinced. She stared at him for a moment or two to see if somehow the truth might leak out of him like liquid from a Styrofoam cup with a small hole at the bottom, and she could then collect it in a bowl and toss it in his face. But instead, all he did was squirm guiltily. So, she turned and left the room.
Frederick blew out in relief. He would do some damage control with Olivia later. But right now, he would have to concentrate on dealing with his current emergency. He collected his coat and keys and left the house. He dropped down into his car, started the engine, and drove off. He drove for an hour, heading out into the woods. Then finally, he parked the car in the tall grass, got out, and headed deeper into the woods. The sun had gone down and he navigated by torchlight.
Finally, he came across a deserted deer blind. He opened the door and stepped inside. It was dirty, covered in spider webs, and suffered from a bad case of water damage. He set down his torch on a shelf, light up so that he could still see. He checked the stability of the walls, throwing himself against them. Finally, he was satisfied that the small building was secure. He closed the door, padlocked himself in and put the key in his own pocket. Soon, the full moon would be rising...
#
Goxmox had been stranded on this primitive planet for seven days now. And he did not like it at all. There were primitive animals that either tried to eat him, or fled from his very presence. And there were primitive human beings who also fled from his very appearance, but at least they had manners to never tried to eat him. Also, Goxmox had been stranded on a particularly cold part of the planet. Cold and wet. Water fell out of the sky regularly. And just when he thought he couldn't cope with it anymore at all, a werewolf bit him!
The body that Goxmox currently inhabited was synthetic. But it was an extremely sophisticated one that was designed to simulate all of the features of his race's original organic bodies into which they had evolved… minus some of the more unpleasant forms of disease. His body was also, he was upset to discover a month after being bitten by the werewolf, capable of changing him into a werewolf!
He was sitting there, shivering in the cold wet air when the full moon made its regular monthly appearance. And suddenly, Goxmox felt suddenly ill. He had put his body through quite a bit in the past month. But this was different. This was clearly bad!
He looked down at his arms and he watched, short white hair push its way out of the skin. He saw his delicate, thin fingers curl up and grow claws. He felt his legs shortened and his arms elongate. And just in front of his eyes, he watched his snout stick out like a teenage boy's crotch in the presence of a female. And after three and a half minutes, his very expensive synthetic body was ruined. It had transformed into some sort of canine of the species Canis Lupus.
He wished once again that he was back on his home planet of Serpo. But this time he wished it so that he could go to the synthetic body shop and demand a refund.
#
Big Mr Bennett was busy enjoying his dinner in his small farm cottage when his dogs outside began barking. They were English border collies, and they didn't bark easily. Except when Big Mr Bennett's mother-in-law came to visit. They didn't like her for some reason. It could be her surly tone of voice. It could be her offensive perfume. Or, Big Mr Bennett's theory was that they just knew her for the bitch that he was.
The dogs continued to bark outside, and Big Mr Bennett finally decided to go and see what it was that was upsetting them.
He got a torch and his shotgun, opened the front door and went outside. The house and the barn were safe and sound. From the sound, Bennett was able to determine that his dogs were out in the field, still upset about something. They were clearly barking a very aggressive warning to something. "Laurel! Hardy! Come here, boys!"
Laurel and Hardy came round the corner a moment later. They joined their master at either side of his feet, but kept their eyes fixed on the darkness of the field of Big Mr Bennett's farm.
"What is it, boys?"
The dogs didn't respond. They knew their master was trying to communicate with them. But he would insist on using those vocalizations that he knew they couldn't duplicate. If only he was more Zen, like they were. Direct experience was a much better way of relating to things, the dogs thought. Having a vocal language was just one more stepped removed from reality. But then again, nobody was perfect.
So Hardy, the more vocal of the two dogs, barked one more time, but just once, and in the direction of the field where the thing they had seen was still lurking.
Mr Bennett stepped hesitantly towards the field. And then he saw it too! Laurel and Hardy growled menacingly. Mr Bennett didn't quite know what he was looking at. It was some kind of ghostly white quadruped. But it was unlike anything he had ever seen in his life. He lifted the shotgun and fired at it.
The thing was thrown back from the impact of the blast, then turned and limped into the night.
Laurel and Hardy were ready to pursue it. But Mr Bennett shouted, "Sit!" The dogs sat immediately. They continued to scan the darkness for any sign of the horror they had all seen. But the horror was now gone.
#
Goxmox limped off into the night.
He found a small patch of trees. He curled up and lay down beneath them. He was in great pain. Then he died. His consciousness left his body. His ghost, he was unhappy to find, seemed to be stuck in the shape of his last body. And his last body was a werewolf version of his synthetic body purchased in a shop on the planet Serpo, 444.2 light years away. He tried to will his hands to return to the correct shape. Instead, his strange canine paws remained. Only now, they were slightly transparent, and seemed to be made of a smokey sort of light.
If he was now incorporeal, then how was he able to remain on the ground, he wondered. Oughtn't he sink below the grown and fall to the centre of the planet Earth?
He looked down at his physical body still lying curled up on the ground. He was definitely outside of it now. He tried for a moment to somehow go back into it. But after several minutes, he found that all he could do was lie down in it, like a slide projector shining the image of a face onto an actual face. But he couldn't take it with him when he got up again. He would have to face it. He was now stranded on an alien planet in the form of a werewolf ghost. And, he told himself, all because his colleagues were unable to appreciate his sense of humour.
#
Mark and Ellen Smith pulled up at the West Bottom Green Seaside Cottage on the east coast of England. They had just finished having a nice romantic Valentine's dinner in town. It was late. They decided to take a stroll along the beach before retiring to their hotel room for a night of passionate love-making. They came to a stop, arm in arm and admired the glitter of the moonlight on the distant waves of the North Sea. It was cold, and they held each other closely. When they turned to face each other for a kiss, Mark suddenly hesitated. "What the hell's that?" he said, spoiling the mood somewhat.
Ellen turned to look and they both saw a strange, dog-like thing approaching them from some nearby trees. "What is that?" Ellen asked with the emphasis on the word "is" so that she wasn't just repeating Mark, who would have rolled his eyes if she had, even in this sort of situation. They looked closer at what was some sort of animal, anxious to understand what they were seeing. But the closer they looked, the less it looked like anything that they recognized and could therefore cope with. It was on four legs, but it had a smooth white coat of downy sort of fur and huge, solid black eyes. Then a chill hit them! It was different from anything else they had ever seen! And a fear set in, due to millions of years of evolution; the fear of the unknown. This monster was totally unknown! They turned and ran for the hotel! They were too scared to check if it was behind them! They ran through the car park, and through the large open doors and into the hotel lobby! Only then, when they were in an illuminated room and there was another human being present, did they turn to see if they were being pursued. But it didn't seem to be behind them.
"Are you all right?" asked the young man behind the reception desk.
They panted for a few moments before they could answer. "I don't know," Mark finally said.
The young man behind the counter had been in the middle of an exciting chapter in his new time travel paperback by Howard Bell, and wanted to get back to it as soon as he could.
Mark tip-toed towards the open double doors. The car park outside was partially illuminated, but he couldn't see any movement out there at all. "Mark, be careful," Ellen said.
"It's all right," he said, waving her back. He looked into the shadows of the automobiles and the shrubbery. But finally he gave up, "I think it's gone." And they both breathed another sigh of relief.
The young man behind the counter took that as a sign that he no longer needed to pay any attention to them, and so he resumed reading his book.
"Must have been a dog or something," Mark said, desperate to cling to a mundane explanation.
"That was no dog," said Ellen, who was more anxious to get to the truth of the matter. "That was never any sort of dog."
"Then what was it?"
"I don't know! All I know is, it wasn't a dog!"
Mark turned to the young man at the counter, "Have you ever seen any sort of weird dog or something around here?"
The young man shrugged as helpfully as he could, and then resumed reading his book once again.
#
"I believe in the fundamental interconnectedness of all things," Dirk said.
The young lady sitting across from him nodded, not having any idea what that meant. Her name was Felicity, and she was trying out for the job of secretary for the detective agency. Unfortunately for her, Dirk had come up with the idea of trying out a potential new secretary for one day only, and then a different potential secretary the day after that, and so on. That way he didn't have to pay them. In fact, he had been trying out new secretaries for the past five weeks now. And so far, none of them knew that by law, he had to pay them for a day's wage each.
A knock came from the front office door.
"Ah," Dirk said, lighting up. "Your first task. Please answer that."
Felicity left Dirk's office, entered the front office, and opened the front door. A woman stood there. She was dressed in the sort of clothes that were designed to tell the world that the person wearing them was rich. "Can I help you?" Felicity asked, trying to sound friendly.
"Is Mr Gently in?"
"Yes, he is. Um, won't you follow me?" Felicity showed the woman with the expensive clothes straight into Dirk's office.
Dirk had already made a mental note that Felicity had done three things wrong and he therefore already had his excuses ready to justify dismissing her at the end of the day without pay.
Dirk rose from his chair as the women entered his office. Felicity explained, "She's here for you, Mr. Gently." Dirk amended his previous mental note to make it four things Felicity had done wrong.
"Welcome," Dirk said, gratuitously. "My name is Gently. Dirk Gently."
The woman presented Dirk with her limp hand and allowed him to grasp it momentarily. "How d'you do? My name is Olivia Puttnam."
"A pleasure, Mrs Puttnam," Dirk said, after taking quick glance at the ring finger of her left hand. "Won't you sit down?"
She sat down opposite Dirk.
Dirk glanced at Felicity, who didn't know what to do next. "Do close the door on your way out, Miss, erm..." he realised that he didn't actually know her last name, and so simply made one up for her, "Jones."
Felicity glanced behind her to see if there was a miss Jones who had suddenly turned up unannounced. But nobody was there. She looked back at Dirk, who mouthed at her, "Get out!" At which point she understood, and left the office, closing the door.
Dirk turned back to his new client, "Now then, Mrs Puttnam, what can I do for you?"
"I believe my husband is having an affair. I require proof which I can then present to a lawyer when I divorce him."
"And why is it you believe his is having this extra marital affair?"
"He will go missing for three or four days every month. Every single month. Without fail. He tells me that he is staying with his friend Michael. I questioned Michael, who responded so vaguely, it was clear that he was lying to me."
"And when was the last time he went missing?"
"Precisely twenty days ago."
"And he has returned as per usual?"
"Yes. He's very punctual about all this."
"And you have no other clues? Just his monthly absence?"
"Well, isn't that enough!?"
"It is enough to give me a starting point. I shall have to take it from here. Could I have your address so that I can begin surveillance of your husband?"
After taking down Mrs Puttnam's address and telephone number, and discussing his fee, Dirk rose to his feet. "I will begin this very day. And if your husband is guilty, we will soon know it for a fact, and you can happily divorce him."
#
Later that day, Dirk found himself sitting in his car, several houses down from the Puttnam residence. He had his lunch with him in a brown paper sack which he had confiscated from a mean-looking boy on his way to school about an hour earlier. He also had a pair of binoculars sitting on the passenger seat. Several hours went by. Dirk even decided that a nap would help. When he woke up, his quarry still hadn't left the house. Or at least that was what he wrote down in his notebook.
Mr Puttnam eventually did leave his house at about three o'clock in the afternoon. He got into his car and drove down the road. Dirk followed from a discreet distance. Mr Puttnam went to a supermarket and went inside. Dirk followed him up and down the aisles, sampling any food that wasn't in a package, and then complaining to the supermarket employees that their food wasn't very good, and that he would be taking one or two other samples back to the lab with him for further analysis.
He then followed his quarry back to the house.
The next day Mr Puttnam didn't go anywhere.
The day after that, he went to the pub and watched an entire football match.
Over the next couple of days, he ran only routine errands or didn't go anywhere at all.
And then, finally, Mr Puttnam left the house, looking about slightly suspiciously, and drove for nearly half an hour... until Dirk lost him. Dirk thought he had been right behind him, but after several turns, he reached a long stretch of road to find that Mr Puttnam was no longer on the road in front of him at all. He had lost hm! He had no choice but to use Zen navigation. He pulled over to the side of the road and waited.
After a minute and a half, another car came along, heading in the opposite direction. Dirk started up his car again, turned around, and followed it. This one was easy to follow. It was bright red and drove slowly. And after just over an hour, they ended up at the West Bottom Green Seaside Cottage. It was a small hotel, only three stories high sitting on the seaside. Dirk pulled into a parking space, got out of his car and looked about. He could see the North Sea from the car park. Yes. This was clearly part of the interconnectedness of all things. He would obviously have to stay here at the hotel until he figured out his next move.
He went inside and checked in. He had no luggage. He went to his room and lay down on the bed for a nap.
He woke up an hour later, groggy but well rested. He picked up the television remote control and began channel surfing. An hour later, he left his room and began to explore the immediate surroundings. The hotel had a small lobby, a small yard in the back, and a small dining room. So he went down to the beach and sat and listened to the sound of the waves.
There were three or four people nearby, playing in the water, or just sitting on a chair that was rented out hourly. Dirk enjoyed sitting by the beach, though he didn't bother to rent a chair. He let his mind drift. No solutions to his case presented themselves. So he continued to sit and simply enjoy the beach.
#
The next morning as Dirk enjoyed his complimentary toast and corn flakes in the small dining room, he overheard an older woman trying to convince her husband that they should leave the hotel. Apparently, she had seen something through the window the night before. She seemed to think that there was some sort of creature lurking nearby. Or perhaps it had been a ghost. She wasn't sure which. And the woman's husband seized on her indecision as a reason for not going anywhere. They had reserved this room for another two nights, and he was determined to enjoy his holiday.
"Excuse me," Dirk said. "Did I hear you correctly that you believe this hotel to be haunted?"
"Yes," said the woman. "I saw it! It was like an animal, but it was sort of translucent."
"An actual visual manifestation. Intriguing. And do you know if the hotel staff is aware of this spirit?"
"Oh, they know all right. The young man at the front desk said that a young couple had seen something out there in the car park about a month ago. So we're not the only ones."
"Well, I am an investigator, and I have some experience with unusual matters. Perhaps I could be of assistance?"
The husband immediately suspected a scam of some kind. "What do you suggest?" he asked suspiciously.
"I can act as a medium to try to make contact with this spirit. If indeed it is a ghost."
"I don't know how much we can pay you."
"As it happens, this matter is most likely connected to a case I am currently investigating. My fees have already been paid."
"When would you be able to do this?"
"I would suggest this very night. My name is Dirk Gently."
"Lawrence and Linda Hanshaw."
#
They meet up in the lobby that evening just after sunset. They brought a bottle of alcohol as Dirk had requested. Dirk took it. "I know what you're thinking," he said to the husband. "But for my mind to become more adaptable to meeting up with other minds, it has to be appropriately lubricated. And I assure you, I do not like having to imbibe. I am not one who consumes alcohol regularly." He looked at the bottle as reluctantly as he could manage, unscrewed the top, and then took a huge swig. Followed by another. And then another.
Eventually, they stepped outside into the cold night air. They could see their breath in the light of the torch. They could hear the gentle crashing of the nearby waves.
They walked quietly towards the beach. "Where exactly did you see it?"
Linda turned to look back at the hotel to locate their bedroom window on the third floor. Then she turned back towards the beach and pointed in the appropriate direction and led them to the side of the car park. They reached the edge of the hotel's outdoor lights. Just beyond was blackness and the sound of ocean waves caressing the shore. The group peered into the darkness. Dirk suddenly broke the silence, "Here, puppy!" And he whistled into the dark.
Nothing.
They shone the torch into the darkness.
Still nothing.
Soon they ventured into the darkness, huddling together, nervous of what might be waiting for them.
But after nearly an hour, Dirk's bottle was empty, and they hadn't found anything but the beach and some nearby trees. So they turned to head back to the hotel. And then all of a sudden, they heard something! Dirk brought the torch up to the sound, and there they saw it, the torch light shining partially through its body! This was not a real, corporeal animal. It looked vaguely like a dog of some sort, but it was large and pale, and had the largest black eyes Dirk had ever seen. Black like oil. And it was staring right at him!
As one, Lawrence and Linda turned and ran away from it. But Dirk stayed his ground. And so did the creature. They continued to stare at each other. Slowly, Dirk looked around for something to throw at it, but didn't find anything appropriate. He looked some more, and finally spoted a large branch about a meter long that had fallen off a nearby tree. He edged slowly to his right to pick it up, not daring to take his eyes from the apparition before him. And it never took its liquid black eyes away from Dirk.
Dirk felt the ground with his right hand whilst his left kept the torch pointed at the creature. The tips of his fingers felt the stick. He wrapped his fingers round it and he picked it up. Slowly, he rose to his feet. Then he stepped closer to the ghostly animal. It backed away. He reminded himself that it was incorporeal and could not harm him! But then he quickly remembered that somehow poltergeists were reportedly able to scratch people or hurl objects across the room. He had always intended to do a study on that. How could something non-physical actually affect the physical world? It shouldn't be possible.
He waved the stick slowly towards the creature, and the creature backed away from it.
Then, angered from Dirk's aggressive posturing, it lunged at him! Dirk stumbled backwards, falling onto his backside, as the apparition flew straight over him!
Dirk scrambled back to his feet and swung round, keeping his eyes on the ghostly animal, with his stick at the ready.
They stared at one another. But that was it. Dirk waited. The thing was no longer attacking.
Then he felt something... the creature was somehow attempting to contact Dirk's mind. Was it a trick? A trap? But then, this was why Dirk had come out here in the first place. He spoke to the creature, "I'm going to set this stick on the ground now. I don't mean you any harm." He slowly set it down, keeping his eyes on the creature.
He relaxed his mind, and let the creature reach out and touch it. It was a different mind. Strange and alien. It was an extra-terrestrial being. It had come from the planet Serpo. And... it was a mislaid medical student. He and his people had been visiting the planet Earth for many years with school trips for their medical students looking for test subjects. But on his last trip, this alien had been left behind. It's name was Goxmox. Dirk then saw through Goxmox's eyes. He had been abandoned on the moors. He saw the flying saucer, his flying saucer floop away in the night sky, seeming to instantly shrink into nothing. He was suddenly alone, lightyears from home. He hid from the human beings. Days and nights came and went. And then one night, he heard some kind of animal. It was circling him! It was a large, furry animal on four legs. Four!? He had never seen an animal with four legs before. Two, yes. Six, sure. Eight and ten even. But four? He was scared. Here he was on an alien planet, about to be killed! And his pod clan would never know what had happened to him. And then it attacked! Seeing what Goxmox had seen, Dirk was able to determine that the attacking animal was a vicious wolf of some kind. Goxmox was injured in the attack. He thought he was about to die. But the monster didn't even stay to eat him. It just tore a huge, savage wound in his body and ran off into the night as though it had suddenly remembered an appointment it had to keep somewhere else.
Wounded and on the verge of death, Goxmox continued to hide on the moors, far from the humans. His kind and their artificially created bodies did not need to eat more than once a year, so, presumably, he could simply wait for his body to heal. It was a fairly expensive body too. He had bought it on sale, and it had all the latest optional extras. But the four-footed Earth creature had torn a very large hole in it, and it was having trouble with the self-repair sub-routine.
He remained in hiding for a mere twelfth of this plant's annual rotation. And then, before he knew what was happening, he turned into a werewolf! This trip to Earth was getting worse and worse. Now he couldn't think straight. He wanted to bite someone. He ran off across the moors and grasslands. He had an overwhelming need to attack something and tear it open and watched it bleed. He felt anger, rage, a blind instinct to mutilate someone. He began to remind himself of his father. But then one of the local primitives shot him with his long projectile weapon. He had been hit! He ran off into the nearby woods and lay on the ground, staring up at the stars through the branches of the trees... the elusive stars through which he had once travelled. And then his very expensive body finally gave out.
But the troubles continued. Now he was a ghost. But he was still stuck in the shape of the ridiculous quadruped.
Slowly, Dirk then came out of it. He found himself standing there near the hotel with the alien werewolf ghost in the cold night air. He asked the ghost if he remembered or knew what had happened to the wolf that had bitten him.
As it happened, the ghost did remember.
"Can you show me?"
The ghost agreed to show him.
The two of them got into Dirk's car and the ghost directed Dirk. They drove all night until the ghost finally recognized the correct location just as the sun was coming up. They found another car sitting there, looking abandoned. Dirk recognized it at once. They parked next to it, got out of the car and walked into the woods. They found a neglected-looking deer blind sitting all alone amongst the trees. Dirk tried the door and found that it was locked. He walked over to the window and looked through it. Inside, lying on the floor, he saw a man, curled up and asleep wearing torn garments from having been a wolf the night before.
"Excuse me," Dirk called. But the man on the floor remained asleep. He was actually breathing, Dirk observed. So he shouted, "Excuse me!"
The man stirred. Slowly. He looked about. Then he up and noticed Dirk standing there. "Oh," he said.
"I have no wish to intrude," Dirk said. "But are you a werewolf?"
Five minutes later, they all sat together in the deer blind.
Dirk looked closely into the face of the man. It had been two days since he had seen him, and then it was from a significant distance away, and he had been better dressed and much cleaner. But this was definitely the man he was after! "May I ask you your name, sir?"
"I'm Frederick Puttnam."
"I thought as much," said Dirk, having the fundamental interconnectedness of all things confirmed for him once again. "Your wife has hired me to discovery whether or not you are having an affair."
Mr Puttnam was puzzled by this non sequitur, "Why would she think that?"
"She explained to me that you go missing once a month."
"During the full moon," he nodded, as though it were obvious.
"Ah, of course. Have you considered letting your spouse know that you are in fact a werewolf as opposed to a philanderer?"
"What!? No!"
"Well, it is your decision, of course."
The alien werewolf ghost sent out an urgent mental message to Dirk. Dirk, not being a telepathic alien, had to quiet his mind and listen. The message was that the alien werewolf ghost's people could cure both him and Mr Puttnam. And he needed access to some electronic equipment in order to try to contact them.
"Mr Puttnam, do you happen to know a good electronics shop around here?"
"I do, actually. I'm an engineer for a local radio station."
"Ah. Then perhaps you and Goxmox here might want to connect minds, and he can let you know what equipment we need."
Frederick looked apprehensively at the apparition before him. "I beg your pardon?"
"Goxmox here was an alien. Then you attacked him and turned him into an alien werewolf. But then a local farmer shot him, and so he is now an alien werewolf ghost. If you allow him to project his thought into your mind, he can enlighten you as so what we would need to build a device to help him contact his own people."
"What, like in ET?"
Dirk merely shrugged. Frederick turned to the translucent quadruped standing before him. He blew out and tried to relax his mind. And soon, the alien werewolf ghost contacted his mind. In a flash of insight, Frederick suddenly knew exact what to build and how to build it. He turned to Dirk, "I have most of the equipment necessary back at my house already."
"Then lead the way, please."
They returned to their cars, parked a couple of minute's walk away from the deer blind. Dirk and Goxmox got into Dirk's Jaguar and followed Frederick in his own car. He stopped at the electronic's shop and bought some more equipment, then led the way to his house. Mrs Puttnam was at work for the day and wasn't due back for several hours. Frederick went into the house first to shower and change, then led Dirk and the alien werewolf ghost into his garage. Under the direction of Goxmox, Frederick and Dirk put together an ultra floop mental communications device.
Five hours later, it was complete. They went out onto the front lawn and activated the device. Three minutes later, the rescue ship arrived. It flooped into existence just above the Puttnam's house. This time they kept their headlights off and stayed in stealth mode. The flying saucer wasn't quite invisible, but rather it was mirror-like, and it was only visible if looked at very closely. And as it was now dusk, and nobody was on the residential street at the moment, nobody noticed the spaceship. The saucer set down gently on the Puttnam's large front lawn. The hatch slid silently open, and five Grays came out to greet the humans and the werewolf ghost of Goxmox.
They looked at the ghost of their comrade. "Prepare for de-lycanthropification," one of them telepathed to the others. The lead alien then turned to Dirk, Goxmox and Frederick. He knew they were primitive and sent his thought out into the primitive human mental frequencies, "Come with us."
Dirk followed them eagerly, and Frederick trailed behind somewhat reluctantly. They all walked up the ramp and into the sitting saucer. They were taken directly into the operating theatre. A small door on the wall opened, and a selection of inanimate alien bodies on a rack slid out. Goxmox, in his alien werewolf ghost form selected a new body. They then quickly inserted the spirit of Goxmox into a new body which they then had to de-lycantropify which his incorporeal spirit still carried in a residual transfloop substantial echo.
"Do I understand this correctly?" Frederick asked the aliens. "You can make him no longer a werewolf?"
"Yes."
"Can you do the same for me?"
"Yes."
"Will you, please?"
"Yes."
Dirk stepped up to Frederick at that point and whispered confidentially. "Are you sure you want to do that?"
"Of course. Why wouldn't I?"
"Well, I have been hired by your wife to provide her with proof that you were having an affair. And as you and I both know, you have not been unfaithful. You have been changing into a werewolf."
"Yes?" Frederick said impatiently.
"The thing is, she is certain that you have been unfaithful. So certain that if I am to inform her that you were in fact changing into a werewolf, she is likely to require proof. I was rather hoping to let her see you change next month when the moon is full. Then she would have no excuse not to pay me."
Frederick frowned and shook his head at how pathetic he found Dirk, and followed the small Grays into the next room.
#
Twenty minutes later, Dirk and Frederick watched the flying saucer lift up into the sky and then instantly vanish. It felt as though the aliens had taken a dream with them, and Dirk and Frederick were now awake, abandoned in the real world. Instinctively, they looked about to see if anyone nearby had seen anything. But the rich suburban neighbourhood looked to be devoid of nosy neighbours.
Frederick invited Dirk into the house, where they sat down on the sofa in the living room. It had been quite a day, and neither of them knew what to say about it. So they turned on the television and watched a football match.
Eventually, Mrs Puttnam came through the front door. "Ah, darling," Frederick said, turning off the television and rising to his feet. "I believe you know Mr Gently."
"Indeed I do. Well, Mr Gently?" she said, sitting down on a chair opposite the sofa. Frederick then sat back down on the sofa next to Dirk.
"Mrs Puttnam, how very nice to see you once again," Dirk said.
"Did you bring the proof I requested?"
"I am afraid that I was unable to gather any evidence of your husband's infidelity. And the reason for that is that your husband has not been unfaithful to you after all."
"Then how do you account for his behavior?"
The two men looked at one another…. then turned back to Mrs Puttnam. Finally, Dirk said, "I regret to inform you that your husband was a werewolf. And he has been locking himself away in order to protect others from his affliction during the full moon."
"And do you really expect me to believe this offensive load of codswallop?"
"As it is not an offensive load of codswallop at all, then I do indeed expect you to believe it."
"Well, I do not. Unless of course you have proof of some kind that Frederick here is a werewolf?"
"I'm afraid I am unable to prove that either. You will note that I said he was a werewolf. I further regret to inform you that he was cured by aliens this very afternoon."
"Aliens cured him?"
"Yes. Out on your front lawn. In a flying saucer." When Mrs Puttnam didn't speak, Dirk felt it his responsibility to fill the silence. "I am afraid I am unfamiliar with the actual mechanics of the process of de-lycanthropification. But next month when the moon is full, you will be able to observe for yourself that your husband will not in fact be changing into a werewolf. Surely that is all the proof you could possibly require."
Mrs Puttnam paused before finally saying, "Get out, Mr Gently."