Joke's On Me

(One-Shot)

Disclaimers: I don't own anything apart from some DVD's/books for this series.

AN: This is a short standard prompt for 'The Houses Competition" based on the first two movies/script books of Fantastic Beasts (the third one along with any subsequent ones will not be included for one obvious reason: TeamDepp!)

House: Gryffindor

Class: Herbology

Category: Standard

Prompt(s): (location) Zonko's Joke Shop/(object) tea leaves

Word count: 2,177 according to AO3 (4.5 pages)

Summary: The Fantastic Four (plus one naughty Niffler) goes to Zonko's Joke Shop.

The sun shone down on the main street of Hogsmeade, offering some warmth to the cool crisp autumn day. Crowds of people hurried in both directions on either side of the street while carriages drawn by unicorns rolled up the centre of High Street. Halloween decorations could be seen on every building, in every window.

Students from Hogwarts had filled the little village, stocking up on sweets for the holiday. Several professors were there as well, enjoying the time off while indulging in butterbeers or perhaps something stronger.

The most popular shop in the village this time of year was Zonko's. This was a special sort of trinket shop that sold various items to be used in pranks such as Dungbombs, Fanged Flyers as well as treats like semi-edible sweets that could make the user hiccup which could be found right next to the bubbling soda drinks to wash them down; while at the same time, such drinks would make one laugh uncontrollably for a while. As one might expect, such objects were very desirable for an occasion such as Halloween.

Newt had often been in Hogsmeade. He had grown up in Britain, so he was very familiar with the place. His three American friends however, had never seen it, so Newt decided to invite them along for a visit on Halloween.

Their first stop was Honeydukes where the four of them picked up several sweets. A few were similar to some American products which the two foreign witches recognized, but there were a lot of other things as well that were different for them to try. For Jacob on the other hand, it was all new since he was a muggle caught up with the fantastic whims of magical creatures, particularly a very pretty witch named Queenie.

As the group moved back outside to head down to Zonko's next, Tina fell behind a bit as she inspected her purse. There seemed to be something wrong with it but whatever it was, she couldn't place her finger on it. Giving up, she hurried to catch up to the others who were already inside. It took a moment of pushing through the packed store to find Newt.

"Where did you go?" Newt asked.

"Nowhere. I was just checking ... never mind. It's probably nothing," Tina said. "What is that?" She pointed to something on the shelf close to Newt's head that was trying to reach his hair.

Newt leaned sideways to avoid it. "Best be careful with those," he said. "They're Automatic Hair Mice that can tangle your hair so badly, you would have to shave it off."

"Mice?" Tina gasped, stepping away.

"They're not real mice," Newt said. "They only work for about an hour once they get into your hair, but what an hour!"

"You speak from personal experience?" Tina asked with a small laugh.

Newt stared at her, almost as if he was glaring. "Theseus did it to me every single Halloween. Even though I knew what he was planning, I could never get away from him. He always got to me."

Tina tried hard to contain herself, but she couldn't help it. She burst out laughing. "Oh my goodness! What do you look like bald?" She finally asked.

"Not good," was all that Newt said as he walked away. After Tina caught up to him, Newt added, "I got him back really good one year, though."

"How?"

"I let four Fanged Flyers loose in his room," Newt said. "You can't use magic to repair the damage they do, so I thought it was a good idea at the time. They tore up his posters of Rinoa Rhett. She was a famous Quidditch player when we were kids. Theseus had a huge crush on her. He was not happy, but I was, when those posters got all ripped up. He had one of them signed by her, you know. A fanged flyer went right through her signature." Newt lifted a finger to draw a horizontal line in the air, as if recreating the slash through the signature.

"Oh no!" Tina feigned a pout for a moment.

"He complained about it to our parents for months," Newt said with a laugh, thoroughly enjoying the memory. "I don't think he ever managed to get another autograph from her."

"Aw, poor baby," Tina laughed.

"Needless to say, the Hair Mice tricks ended," Newt finished his story.

Tina snickered as they moved over to where Queenie was showing Jacob an item that made things disappear in your pocket. "It lasts for a couple of weeks," Queenie was saying. "The stuff in your pockets always return once the charm wears off, but it can still cause problems for a while."

"Why would anyone want to do that to someone?" Jacob asked.

"Yes, why would they?" Tina all but snarled, glaring at Queenie.

Jacob's eyes flicked between the girls. "You tried it on her, didn't you?"

"She was being mean to me," Queenie defended herself.

"By being mean, she means that I had caught her hanging out with a friend when she was supposed to be grounded," Tina said. "I told Mom. Queenie got in more trouble. I spent the next three weeks looking for my wallet. I wasn't able to use my birthday money which was in that wallet for something I really wanted. By the time the charm wore off, that big model toy horse was gone. Limited edition. Never saw another one again."

"Hmpf!" Queenie scoffed, turning away.

Jacob bent down to pick up his bag so he could hide a smile. "What the—NEWT! What did you do?"

"What did I do?" Newt echoed back in confusion.

Jacob lifted his bag. The bottom ripped open as a very naughty Niffler slipped out before scampering off. "Why did you bring him?"

"But I didn't put him in there!" Newt defended in surprise. "I had locked all the Nifflers up in the cage before we left."

"That explains my purse," Tina said. "It was a little heavy when we left. But after we bought the candy, my purse somehow seemed lighter anyway. I bet he escaped the cage, then hid in my purse."

"Now he moved into my bag," said Jacob."

"Yeah, but now he is on the loose in here!" Newt exclaimed.

"Well catch the bloody thing!" Jacob looked around.

"Well, well, Jacob," Newt said. "You're starting to sound British!"

Jacob laughed nervously before the four of them separated to look for the Niffler. It wasn't easy since there were plenty of places for a Niffler to hide, not to mention plenty of people in the way. Soon, everyone was having problems. Now that his presence was known, the Niffler lost no time in trying to steal things from literally everyone who was within its vicinity.

Newt tried to summon the animal back to his hands but there were too many things in the way. All the Niffler had to do was grab on until the charm ended. Then it would scamper off again. It grabbed coins off the counters to shove into its pouch. It jumped on others to get away from Newt, grabbing wallets as well as shiny objects such as hair pins, on the way by. Next, the creature got up onto the shelves.

Prank objects of all sorts imaginable were knocked off the shelves. This would be one mess to fix. Unfortunately, the fall from their places on the shelves also set most of them off. Dungbombs exploded. Fanged Flyers flew. Hair Mice shot off their places into people's hair. Entrancing potions of all colours dumped over all, causing various aliments from uncontrollable laughing to acne to a giddiness so high, it made the user float off the ground for a few minutes.

The smoke finally cleared to reveal a rather interesting sight. The shelves were in disarray. The floor was slick with various liquids, some of which were bubbling up. Colourful sparkles were spinning every which way. There was one active fanged flyer in a corner, pathetically tapping the window as if trying to get out as it slowly slipped downwards as the magical charm on it wore off.

Several people, including Newt, were now hanging in mid-air, caught in silvery mists holding them up. Newt was sideways while others were upside-down or lying backwards, unable to move. Several people were now suffering from large tangles in their hair as the Automatic Mice went to work on their follicles.

Jacob's hair was a crazy display of tea leaves of various dull dark colours. Some were dark brown, some were black, some were a dull yellow, depending on what type of tea they came from . He carefully sat up on the floor before catching sight of himself of a mirror that was constantly breaking, then repairing itself again in an everlasting cycle. Jacob scoffed as he pointed to his head. "The Queen called. She wants her tea back."

Queenie managed a laugh as she slowly turned, suspended on a chain of liquorice wands that had been fused together in the magical atmosphere.

The shop owner finally reappeared behind his counter. He sent out an owl before going around to start releasing people from various charms. In a few moments, several other shop employees had apparated into the store to start helping with the colossal mess of mixed spells still lingering in the air.

Once the four of them were released from their binds, Newt led the others outside. After a quick glance around, he whispered, "We've got to get that Niffler back!"

"If they find out it's you, you'll be banned for life," Jacob said.

"We all will be," said Tina.

"Then they can't find out it's us," Newt said.

"Oh Newt!" Tina sighed. "When will you learn to double check the Niffler cage?"

Newt looked at her as if he was about to say something but the door was thrown open, startling everyone outside. The poor Niffler was roughly hurled outside. "GET OUT!" The shopkeeper screamed at the terrified animal. "IF I EVER FIND OUT WHO BROUGHT YOU HERE I WILL RUIN THEM! DO WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER? RUIN THEIR WHOLE LIFE! THEIR MONEY WILL PAY FOR THIS DAMAGE!" The door banged shut, only to break off into two pieces that crashed to the ground.

"Let's go!" Newt said quickly as he hurried into the street.

"Newt, what about that ..." Jacob stopped short of saying the word Niffler out loud for all to hear.

"Come on!" Newt continued speed walking down the lane before turning into an alleyway. Once the other three were hiding behind him, Newt looked out into the main street once more. Things were slowly returning to normal outside. People were moving. Newt gripped his wand, watching. Suddenly, he summoned the Niffler. The moment he caught it, he stunned the animal before stuffing it into his own bag. "He'll be out for about an hour. Let's go home!"

A few moments later, Newt dropped into an armchair, his eyes on the cage where the naughty Niffler now lay asleep. "I checked him over before putting him in there. He does not seem to have any lasting injury, but I'm sure his arse will be sore for a while since he landed on it when he was thrown outside."

"At least he's alright," said Jacob as Queenie poked through his half-hair, half-tea leaves while slowly undoing the spell.

"I did not plan on having him along," said Newt.

"I know," said Tina. "But you know how crazy he is. He needs some discipline."

"Discipline a Niff—do you hear yourself?" Newt all but glared at her before turning his eyes back to his favourite Niffler. Favourite, but also his worst animal. He knew that out of all the Nifflers he had (which amounted to five or six, so far), his favourite one was the most problematic. What was to be done with him? Maybe he should set up a pet school for training animals. Muggles did it with dogs. He ought to do it with Nifflers.

"What about Zonko's?" Jacob asked.

"That's the easy part," said Newt. "We can just anonymously donate the money they need. Us Scamanders are rich enough. Theseus won't notice."

"We hope he won't notice," Tina corrected, casting a curious look at Queenie who had disappeared for a moment.

When Queenie returned, she handed Tina a large square package wrapped in old birthday paper. "This is for you," she said, looking somewhat sheepish.

"My birthday is long past," Tina said, taking the package.

"Yeah, very long past," Queenie muttered.

"What is—oh my!" Tina pulled out the limited edition model horse she had wanted as a child. It was a large model, about three feet high.

"I bought the last one back then," said Queenie. "I was going to give it to you later when I wasn't mad at you any more, but then, joke's on me, I sort of forgot where I put it. I didn't find it again for a long time until we moved but I never got around to giving it to you."

"Thank you!" Tina stood up to hug Queenie.

"Oh you better hide the thing," Queenie said after a moment. "It has a real gold bridle."

All eyes turned to the Niffler.

Tina snatched the gift up. "I'll be right back!" She exclaimed before apparating on the spot to hide the horse.

"Well, all's well that ends well," Newt said as he got up. He checked the lock on the cage to see that it was on properly. "We shou—!"

Someone else appeared in the living room. It was Theseus. "NEWTON SCAMANDER!"

"Uh-oh!" Newt turned to run away.

"Oh no, you don't!" Theseus hurried after him.

"Not much has changed, has it?" Jacob said to Queenie as they listened to the brothers arguing.

"Not really," said Queenie with a laugh.

~the end