Chapter 5

Back in the cave, Kathryn asked, "What was that?"

"Wish fulfillment? A look into the future?" Chakotay suggested.

"I don't know."

He had no idea if she'd seen the same vision that he had. The Kandrinions had stressed that they shouldn't share the details, which was in keeping with similar quests for spiritual enlightenment.

Though, at this point, if the future didn't include returning to Earth, Kathryn wasn't going to be pleased.

"Perhaps it was possible versions of the future?" She wondered.

It was hard for him to read her expression. Even from her tone of voice, he had difficulty discerning whether she'd been pleased or disappointed by her experience.

Assuming the worst, as was typical these days, he was hurt, believing that she was rejecting a future relationship with him.

"Was it that bad? What you saw?" he asked.

Then Chakotay stepped closer to look directly into her blue eyes. And he paused. He could've sworn that he was detecting a softness there. A sadness. A vulnerability that he hadn't observed in a long time that had replaced her impenetrable captain's mask. His breath caught as he realized that he was actually connecting with Kathryn. And rather than quickly averting her eyes as she'd done countless times over the past year, she held his gaze.

His heart beat faster as he realized that he was finally seeing the woman that he fell in love with.

After a moment, she responded, wistfully. "No. Not at all. Most of it was pretty…wonderful." Her lips curled into a slight smile. "Just…not everything that I'd hoped for."

Then she rapidly changed the subject. "How are we going to get around this pool?"

Kathryn was always the problem solver

"We're not." He replied.

She stared at him.

"This was it. This was the revelation. The enlightenment. The oracle. Whatever we saw, whatever it means, that was it. Time to head back."

"Makes sense."

As she turned to lift her pack from the ground onto her back, Chakotay moved forward to help her. Neither pulled away when their hands briefly brushed against each other.

Chakotay hated to violate the terms of the spiritual quest. But it was eating away at him. If it was possible, he had to know the fate of the Voyager crew.

Trying to be as vague as possible, he asked, "In your vision…was the crew okay?"

"I can't account for every person, but I saw many of them. And they were happy." She immediately assured him. "My vision was at least twenty to thirty years into the future."

He heaved a sigh of relief. "Mine might've been five years from now at the most. What about Voyager?"

"My impression was that she was grounded but there was potential to revive her."

Pleased, he nodded. That seemed in keeping with Kathryn's insistence upon teaching the children quantum mechanics and other principles of modern technology. That way the younger generation would be ready to act once opportunities arose.

Of course, he was assuming their visions fit together coherently and that they were actual versions of the future.

Could the point of these visions be to avoid whatever catastrophic scenario had led them down this path in the first place?

He had no clue.

As they walked, Chakotay came to realize that, regardless of whether the future visions would ever materialize, he'd almost made a serious mistake. No matter how badly he was hurting, no matter how lonely he felt, he'd been fooling himself. He could never settle for life with another woman. Not while Kathryn was alive and breathing. Not when there was the slightest chance that he could reach her. She owned his heart.

His hope was buoyed by his exchange with her, and the vision that indicated that she might someday allow herself to love him and build a life together.

Maybe he was being a fool. Maybe that version of the future would never happen.

But there was something he needed to say to her. Now. Especially since he'd just sensed that she did care about him. That Kathryn still lurked beneath the surface of the captain's brusque persona.

She was aware that he and Seven were dating. Judging from her subsequent behavior towards him, he realized that he'd hurt her. Not that she'd ever admit it.

Trying to be casual, he said, "I don't know if it matters to you, but I'm breaking up with Seven when we get back to the ship."

Kathryn didn't say a word.

Feeling reckless, he confessed. "I still love you. That's never changed. But I can't wait another seven years."

XXXX

Janeway hoped that she kept her facial movements from revealing her surprise. At least the dimness of the chamber as they walked away from the glowing pool helped to disguise her reaction.

Although she was deeply touched by Chakotay's words, she wasn't sure how to respond. Whatever their future might hold, their current circumstances (and impediments) hadn't changed. And as much as she hated it, she still felt bound by the dictates of Starfleet rules.

Had he had also seen them together as a couple in his vision?

Her experience had reminded her that there were aspects of her life that she'd been severely neglecting. She felt starved for love and affection which had been freely flowing in that banquet room. She longed for that. In some ways, she wished she could've stayed there, basking in the warmth of their regard.

And yet, while she'd been thrilled with being part of a thriving community and having a devoted husband and family, the bittersweet disappointment of not returning to Earth and letting down her crew also lingered.

It was an unsettling combination of emotions.

She was relieved that Chakotay didn't seem to be expecting a response to his bold words. He understood that she needed time to process them. He'd always been skilled at reading her non-verbal cues.

His audacious proclamation had stirred an ember of hope within her. She was feeling significantly less pressure on her chest and her steps felt lighter.

Yet she was still afraid.

She realized that she needed to make changes, or she'd evolve into someone she despised. Becoming only the captain would suffocate her capacity for love and joy and consequently any satisfaction in life.

However, she wasn't yet ready to make drastic moves.

She noticed that Chakotay had slowed down to adjust his pace, so they were now walking side by side. Earlier that day, he'd deliberately let her march ahead of him.

Despite her fear, Janeway was fully aware that he needed something from her. She understood what he meant when he said that he couldn't wait another seven years. She heard the pain and frustration in his voice. He needed some form of assurance that she'd heard and understood him. To acknowledge that she had similar feelings for him.

She'd witnessed the consequences of her neglect over the past years, of not conveying her feelings to him. He needed something to tangible to grasp, to anchor himself. Unfortunately, she couldn't follow suit and respond using words as he had. She couldn't open that door for fear of it never closing. She wouldn't be able to handle that.

But she could respond non-verbally. Provide some small gesture indicating that she felt the same. That she'd heard his cry.

She reached for his hand and gently squeezed it, interlocking her fingers between his. He startled briefly, then responded in kind, tightening his grip. Then he smiled towards her. They continued to walk, hand in hand.

She hoped that was enough for now.

As they walked, she wondered what purpose this so-called enlightenment had served.

Were they being naïve assuming good intentions on behalf of their alien hosts? Or were the Kandrinions trying to subtly manipulate them?

Were these future events set in stone or were they only possible visions of the future?

Or they could mean nothing at all. This entire day could have just been a distraction from her end goal. Like vagaries described by a fortune teller or a generic horoscope. A convenient excuse to give up after striving for so many long hard years.

What did it all mean?

Tightening her grip on Chakotay's hand, she wasn't sure that she'd ever know.