Nathan was relieved to see New Hope Orphanage come into view. He felt weary and he knew it wasn't just from the ride from Clearwater. So much had been going on. There was Novak's death. The routine investigation into the incident that was starting to not feel routine. The fact that Superintendent Andrew Hargraves was conducting the investigation had brought up memories of Fort Clay and left him questioning once again when or if he should tell Elizabeth about his connection to her late husband. Would it ruin things? Was there anything between them to ruin? Yes, she had embraced him that day of the prisoner transfer, but had it simply been from relief? Elizabeth still had not given him an answer to his dinner invitation. Of course they had not had much time to talk. He needed to change that when he got back to Hope Valley.
Nathan would not deny that having a bit more of a reprieve gave him some relief. With Bill staying in Clearwater tonight, they would need to postpone returning to Hope Valley until Monday. Nathan figured he could go into town with Gabe after Lillian and Grace returned from Daisy Clay's baby shower and send a telegram to Allie at the Weise's to let her know the change of plans.
Nathan settled Newton in the newly built barn next to the saddle horse Benson. As Apollo was currently residing in another stall, Nathan headed toward the main house instead of the cottage. He'd had enough of being alone with his thoughts.
Lillian told him and Bill yesterday that they did not need to knock when entering the main house, so Nathan just walked in. He paused at the site that greeted him.
Gabe was sitting in a chair in the middle of the sitting room. That in itself was not surprising. What was out of the ordinary was the rope looped around his torso and the chair back, securing his hands to his sides and his body to the chair. Boyish laughter from the direction of the dining room gave Nathan a pretty good idea of what was going on.
"It is kind of hard to be keeping an eye on the children when you are tied up there, Kinslow," Nathan commented as he closed the front door behind him.
"Christian, Vincent, and Theo were just about to untie me, right boys?" Gabriel said.
"But the cowboy is supposed to escape on his own not have the robbers free him," Christan said, coming back into the room.
"He makes a valid point, Gabe," Nathan said, sitting down on the settee so that he could face his friend, not bothering to leave the amusement out of his voice.
The look that Gabriel shot him caused Nathan to laugh, something he had not been able to do much recently.
Before the boys could move to free Gabriel, the front door opened again.
"I think Daisy really liked that blanket we gave her," Grace was saying to her sister as they came inside. "Thank you for making it. My sewing is getting better, but I don't think I am at gift quality yet."
"You picked out the duck print," Lillian reminded her sister. She was about to say something else when she noticed Gabriel.
Gabriel looked at her sheepishly while Christian, Vincent and Theo stuck hands in their pockets and looked at the ground. Nathan got the feeling the boys thought they were going to get in trouble.
"Grace, what was it Gabriel told us when we asked if he was sure he was up to watching the boys?" Lillian asked. Nora and Mary Louise had planned on quilting with Eleanor in her room.
"I believe he said it would be a piece of cake," Grace said through her own soft laughter.
A grin on her face, Lillian crossed to Gabriel and kissed his cheek. "Is it still a piece of cake?" she asked him.
"I may have ran into some wrinkles I didn't plan on," Gabriel admitted.
"Boys, untie Mountie Gabriel and then perhaps you could go play catch outside until dinner is ready."
"Yes, Miss Lillian," the three boys replied. Christian and Vincent moved to the chair to untie the knots in the two ropes securing Gabriel to the chair.
In short order, Gabriel was free and the boys hurried outside. Grace had gone into the kitchen with the cookies and cake that Daisy insisted the sisters take home for the children.
"Will the two of you be joining us for supper?" Lillian asked.
Nathan and Gabriel exchanged a silent look. They did not need to speak for Nathan to be able to convey to Gabriel that he was hoping to talk to him without anyone else around.
"Thank you for the offer, but I think Nathan and I are going to have supper at the hotel tonight, Lillian."
"Alright," Lillian said. She gave Gabriel a kiss good-bye and Nathan a hug before walking them to the door.
While Gabriel settled Apollo at the livery, Nathan sent a telegram to Allie telling her to expect him home Monday afternoon. Afterward, he met Gabriel at The Royal Brookfield. The dining room was not crowded, and the two friends were able to get a table away from others. They placed their orders, and Nathan asked Grabriel about how things were with Lillian and the children. His friend placated him, answering his questions. They were halfway through their meals before Gabriel pressed him about the current situation.
"How are you doing, Nathan?" Gabriel asked. "And I will not accept 'fine' as an answer. This is me. I know you can string more than two sentences together," he teased, referring to Nathan's habit of answering questions as succinctly as possible.
Nathan sighed. He wanted to talk and he didn't at the same time. As Gabriel was the person who knew him best, Nathan knew he couldn't hide. He also would not have to explain things like he would if he talked to Bill about Hargraves.
"I am worried, Gabriel," Nathan admitted. "It does not make sense that Hargraves would not tell the Novaks what happened when neither Bill nor I have been told the matter is confidential. I have also been asked so many questions at this point that I am starting to wonder if I did do something wrong."
"Don't let Hargraves make you doubt yourself, Nathan," Gabriel said. "I wasn't there, but according to what both you and Bill have told me, Constable Novak chose to go for that rifle on his own accord. You are not responsible for his choice. If he had not, then he would probably still be with us today."
"Then why has Hargraves not declared the matter closed? Why is Bill telling Mrs. Novak how her son died because she can't get the information officially?"
"I don't know," Gabriel admitted. "I do know you can't start doubting yourself. Perhaps Hargraves has not let Fort Clay go yet. However, you were not to blame back then and you are not to blame now."
"I knew that area was unsafe back then, Gabriel," Nathan said. "Perhaps I did not do enough to stop Constable Thornton from proceeding with that training mission. Maybe I should have spoken with him directly."
"You reported the unsafe conditions to Hargraves, who was in charge of the Fort, both verbally and with a written report. You did what you were expected to do, Nathan."
"Not according to official records," Nathan reminded him. "My written report got misplaced somehow, remember? Hargraves claimed that I never made a verbal report to him, and given the time I came back that day, there was no one else to witness that conversation.""
Gabriel nodded. "My money would be on Hargraves making sure it got misplaced because despite that report, he still ordered Constable Thornton to proceed with that mission. If that report had come to light, he would have been deemed negligent in duty at the very least. The whole Fort knew what went down with you and the cattle rustlers. The inquiry made sure of that. It was also well known that Hargraves was still seething over the outcome of that inquiry. You being cleared bruised his ego. I don't think anyone, including Constable Thornton, would have considered not following an order. There may not have been witnesses for your conversation with Hargraves, but plenty of people heard Jack request to delay the training mission and Hargraves ordering him to go. I served with Jack in the Northern Territories. He may not have been at Fort Clay long, but he would have been aware of the situation. He probably felt he had no choice but to proceed."
"According to Hargraves, I never made a report despite going through that area the day before the landslide occurred."
"Hargraves was trying to keep himself out of trouble," Gabriel countered. "He knowingly sent those trainees into unsafe conditions. It could have meant his career if he admitted to knowing about your report of the conditions of that area. Especially with people hearing Jack's request to delay the mission. Without that report, it was his word against yours."
"Well, he got away with it then, so what is he doing now, Gabe?"
Gabriel shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe this is simply nothing but revenge. He sees an opportunity to make sure Fort Clay never comes up again and he is pursuing it. You did nothing wrong during that prisoner transfer. Stick to the truth. You have Bill to back you up. It will blow over. Chances are, that is probably why you and Bill have not gotten a directive that the situation is confidential. Hargraves is fishing and cannot have a paper trail of evidence."
"What if it doesn't blow over? What if the incident at Fort Clay comes to light? No one in Hope Valley, other than Allie, knows I served at Fort Clay. I told Lee I had not served with Jack, which was the truth. I have told Elizabeth that I did not know him, which is also the truth. Yes, we were both at Fort Clay and probably passed one another, and yes he took an assignment I was removed from, but we had no interaction. Somehow, I don't think that will matter if Elizabeth and Jack's friends find out the details of what happened. Especially not if Hargraves tells his version of events."
"Then get ahead of things, Nathan. Bring the subject up to Jack's widow and friends yourself, before Hargraves can bring any of it up. They know you. They don't know him. I don't think the fact that he outranks you is going to matter to any of them. They may be hurt that you didn't tell them the news yourself."
"That is easier said than done, Gabe," Nathan told him.
"I know," Gabe admitted, reaching across the table and patting Nathan's forearm in a reassuring manner. "Just trust your instincts."
Trust your instincts.
The irony that he had told Elizabeth you were in real trouble if you could not trust your instincts not long ago was not lost on Nathan as he and Gabriel finished their meals.
Sitting on a log, Elizabeth stared at nothing while birds chirped and the waters of the pond rippled in the soft breeze. Sergeant grazed nearby as she tried to sort through her feelings.
Nathan had met her near the mercantile earlier in the day, excited about going to see Bill's land. He'd told her it was time he settled down, the warmth in his eyes as he gazed at her turning her insides to mush. She'd instinctively known he meant it for reasons other than simply building a home of his own.
The clip-clop of horse hooves met her ears, bringing her back to the present. Her heart kicked into overdrive when Nathan came into view, riding Newton at a trot.
"Oh my goodness," she murmured, swallowing hard. She rose to meet him, lifting a hand in greeting and managing a small, strained smile. "How was your trip?" she asked.
Nathan swung down from Newton, a wide smile on his face. "Bill's land is perfect!" he enthused. "It's beautiful and spacious. There's even a great stream for fishing." His eyes were sparkling. "I can totally see us living there."
A spark of realization passed between them. Nathan's lips parted and a light blush stained his cheeks. "Me and Allie," he clarified quickly.
It was a pointless phrase. They both knew what he truly meant.
Elizabeth felt her heart clench in her chest. "Nathan…"
He seemed to sense that something was amiss. He took two steps forward, hands reaching out automatically. "Elizabeth, please…"
She shook her head. "I care about you, Nathan. But I don't think I'm strong enough to give you what you want. I've already lost Jack. It would hurt too much to lose you the way I lost him."
"You wouldn't lose me," he countered. "I'd make sure of that."
A flash of anger pulsed through her. "You can't promise me that!" she cried.
Nathan's eyes were filled with distress. The joy from moments before was gone. "I would quit," he said quickly, almost desperately. "I would quit the Mounties."
"No!" she exclaimed. "I couldn't let you do that!" She turned from him, hurrying toward Sergeant. Something about the sincerity she saw in his eyes terrified her. Though he said the words too quickly, she knew he meant them. He truly would quit for her.
That meant his feelings ran deeper than she thought.
Gripping Sergeant's saddle horn, Elizabeth attempted to lift herself up, but she felt Nathan's hand on her arm, stopping her. "Look, Elizabeth, I know that you feel the same way I do," he said, his eyes boring into hers. It was like he dared her to deny it.
She couldn't, and she knew it.
Swallowing her tears, she panicked as Nathan's earnest face peered into hers. "I can't," she said brokenly. She tore herself from Nathan's hold and mounted the horse.
He spread his arms in pure supplication. "Elizabeth, I'm in love with you!"
She froze, staring at him in mute shock. Nathan looked back at her, his entire countenance pleading with her.
"Elizabeth, I love you."
His voice cracked as he said the words. Tears shone in his beautiful, soulful eyes.
Elizabeth's panic increased. Her fear grew into a force so powerful, there was only one thing to do. She urged Sergeant around. "Come on," she said, desperate to get away from Nathan. Within seconds, she had him in a full gallop. She heard Nathan call her name, but she ignored him. Tears streamed down her cheeks.
Nothing would ever be the same between them.
Elizabeth woke with a strangled cry. She sat up straight in her bed. The dream was vivid in her mind. Her eyes were burning. She reached up, feeling rivers of moisture on her cheeks.
She was crying, just like she'd been in her terrible, terrible dream.
How could she have ridden off like that, spurning both Nathan and his love? How could she have broken his heart with so little consideration of his feelings? Shame flooded her. Though her mind knew it was only a dream, it felt so real.
Her confusion and distress reached a high she hadn't felt before. Not stopping to think, she went into her son's room. He was sleeping, but Elizabeth picked him up, nestling him against her chest. She hurried down the stairs and out the door. She needed to talk to Rosemary.
The cold wind whipped her face. Elizabeth stopped at the base of the Coulter's porch steps, suddenly realizing what she was doing. She was in her nightgown, no robe, and barefoot. A shiver passed over her as a tear slipped down her cheek. Jack stirred against her, though he didn't wake. Slowly, Elizabeth turned from the steps. She should sort through this on her own before bothering her friends.
The door opened before she could escape back to her own home. Lee was looking back into the house. "Bye, Rosie!" he called. He started to close the door, but as he turned, he caught sight of her.
"Elizabeth!"
His eyes widened, taking in her disheveled state. He jumped down the steps, gripping her arm and pulling her up the stairs. "What's wrong?" he asked. "Is Jack okay?"
"Y – yes," she stammered, struggling for composure. "I'm fine, Lee. I came over here without thinking. I should go back home…"
He was shaking his head, cutting her off. "Absolutely not," he said firmly. "You clearly need someone to talk to." He pulled her through the front door. Rosemary glanced up from the table, her own eyes widening.
"Elizabeth!" she exclaimed. "What's wrong?"
A small, desperate laugh left her body, the kind that told her she was about to lose it. "Nothing," she cried, dissolving into tears.
Lee and Rosemary exchanged a glance, one that spoke volumes without either one uttering a word. Lee nodded slightly, then quietly left the house. Rosemary wrapped an arm around Elizabeth, leading her to the sofa. She took Jack from Elizabeth's arms. "Let me get this little guy settled in our guest room," she said. "I'll be right back."
As soon as Rosemary left the room, Elizabeth buried her face in her hands. The dream came rushing back to her. What haunted her most was the heartbroken look on Nathan's face as she literally ran from him in fear.
How could a dream affect her so much? Though she hadn't actually rejected him, it felt like she had. She could see the events in her mind as if they had played out in real life. Elizabeth breathed deeply, trying to dispel the darkness that overtook her mind. She forced herself to think of the last time she had actually seen Nathan. It was right before he left for Constable Novak's funeral.
They met on the rowhouse road. Newton was saddled in front of Nathan's home. As Elizabeth was passing by, the door opened and Nathan came out, a bag slung over his shoulder. She paused, getting caught in his gaze. Nathan's eyes never left hers as he walked her way.
"Hi," he said, a small smile lighting his weary face.
Elizabeth's heart ached, knowing how much he was going through. "Hi," she replied softly. "How are you, Nathan?"
He exhaled a slow breath, glancing away for a moment. "I'll be fine," he said.
Wanting nothing more than to move forward and put her arms around him in a gesture of comfort, Elizabeth clenched her hands on the handle of her basket. She looked at Newton. "Are you going somewhere?"
He nodded. "Brookfield. And Clearwater." His eyes filled with pain. "For the funeral."
She almost did embrace him then, but she knew it wasn't her place. "Do you need anything?" she asked softly.
He looked up then. "Would you mind checking in on Allie from time to time while I'm away? I know she'll be fine with Ellen and Bruce, but I know it would give her peace of mind if you see her too."
"Of course," Elizabeth promised without hesitation.
His eyes softened. "Thank you, Elizabeth."
The way he said her name, so full of tenderness, made her heart stutter. "Of course," she managed. Silence stretched between them. Elizabeth didn't want the moment to end, because when it did, he would leave. But she didn't know what else to say to keep him there.
Nathan took a step forward. It looked like he was about to reach for her, but at the last moment he stopped himself. "I should be going," he said. He looked into her eyes, searching them briefly. "We'll talk when I get back."
His words were a promise, and Elizabeth knew exactly what he was talking about. She nodded mutely, trying to keep tears from filling her eyes. "Be safe," she whispered.
He dipped his head, acknowledging her words. Mounting Newton, he touched two fingers to the brim of his hat in farewell. Elizabeth watched as he rode down the lane, joining Bill at the edge of town. The two men turned their horses toward the road leading out of Hope Valley. Nathan glanced back, seeing her watching. He raised his hand, his eyes boring into hers even though a hundred yards separated them. Then he was gone.
Inhaling deeply, Elizabeth focused on that interaction. That was what had transpired between her and Nathan last, not a disastrous declaration of love that she coldly spurned. A shudder went through her entire body. She couldn't imagine reacting to him in such a way.
A hand on her shoulder made her jump. With wide eyes, she glanced up to see Rosemary beside her. Her friend sat on the settee. Her blue eyes were full of concern and compassion. "What's going on, Elizabeth?" she asked. Rosemary was all seriousness, none of her trademark theatrics in sight.
Words came rushing out of Elizabeth. She told Rosemary about the two dreams she'd had, as well as the confusion and horror she felt upon waking.
"I can't imagine treating him that way," she whispered. "But the dreams felt so real."
Rosemary was quiet for a moment. "Have you and Nathan talked yet?" she asked.
Elizabeth shook her head. "No. There hasn't been time." She looked up at the ceiling before closing her eyes. "I know we need to. That embrace is hanging over both of us. Nothing is resolved. We're in limbo, and I think it's affecting us both."
Placing a hand on Elizabeth's, Rosemary looked her in the eyes. "What are your thoughts, Elizabeth?" she asked softly. "What do you want from Nathan?"
"I don't know," Elizabeth whispered. "If I did, maybe I wouldn't feel so confused. That embrace told me my feelings for Nathan are stronger than I initially believed them to be. When I thought he had died, it felt like I died a little inside too. The relief when I saw he was alive…" She blushed. "Well, the whole town saw how I felt."
Rosemary smiled, but it was a sympathetic smile. "You care for him," she stated.
Elizabeth nodded.
Her friend studied her. "Do you love him?"
That was the question that stumped Elizabeth. She swallowed a few times before answering. "I don't know."
"That's the second time you've uttered that phrase," Rosemary said gently. "'I don't know.'" She leaned forward. "Tell me something. Do you know what's in your heart?"
Blinking, Elizabeth flashed back to the moment Nathan asked her that same question. What's in your heart? Now, as then, she wasn't sure of the answer. However, in the depths of her being, she somehow knew that he held the key that would unlock her confusion. At the same time, she felt a sudden rush of guilt that she harbored feelings for anyone other than her late husband.
"I don't think I've let go of Jack," Elizabeth said quietly. "I'm not sure I'll know what's in my heart until I make peace with the fact that he's gone forever."
Rosemary nodded. "I wondered if you'd truly grieved him," she replied. "Maybe you need to figure that out."
"How?" Elizabeth asked, her heart twisting in her chest. "How do I move on?"
Instead of answering immediately, Rosemary reflected on the question. Elizabeth was grateful she didn't have a pat answer ready. It meant more that her friend was truly thinking about her answer. Finally, Rosemary looked at her with gentle compassion.
"People come into our lives everyday," she said. "Some for a season, others for a reason, and some for a lifetime." Her grip tightened on Elizabeth's hand. "Jack was a season, a beautiful season that bore priceless fruit. Part of him will live on in the son you created together. He taught you how to love, and a piece of your heart will always be his. But he wasn't your lifetime. That will fall to someone else, if you're open to it." She looked Elizabeth in the eye. "I think you know who that someone is."
Fear and hope vied for dominance in Elizabeth's heart at that declaration. She wasn't sure which feeling was stronger. "I'm scared, Rosemary," she admitted. "What if I lose Nathan like I lost Jack?" She shuddered. "I don't know if I'm strong enough to love a Mountie again."
Rosemary faced her head on, a calm but serious look in her eyes. "If you don't take a chance, you'll lose him regardless," she said softly. "You could lose him to death. That's a fact. No one is guaranteed tomorrow: not you, not me, not Nathan. But what would be worse? Losing Nathan after building beautiful memories together in love, or losing him to your fears and always wondering what could have been? How would you feel if another woman came into his life and you had to watch him fall in love with her?"
Elizabeth sucked in a sharp breath. She didn't like that visual one bit. A sharp jealousy tore at her insides toward a nonexistent woman who might steal Nathan's heart.
A light chuckle from Rosemary caught her attention. The other woman's eyes were dancing with humor. "I can see you don't care for the thought," she said, amusement in her tone. "That alone speaks volumes."
Ducking her head, Elizabeth bit her lip. "I won't deny that," she said. "But that doesn't mean I love Nathan."
"I didn't say that it did," Rosemary said calmly. "But I do find it interesting that you aren't objecting to him for any reason beside fear." She waited for Elizabeth to raise her head. "Didn't you say the whole reason you ran from him in your dream was because of fear?"
Reluctantly, Elizabeth nodded. "Yes."
Reaching out, Rosemary took both of Elizabeth's hands. "Promise me something?"
Elizabeth searched her eyes. "If I can."
"I'll take that," Rosemary answered. "If you can, promise me that you won't let fear hold you back. Don't run, Elizabeth. Face your fears. Test them. It could be that they crumble to nothing once you weigh them against the alternative. But you'll never know if you don't try." She smiled as if coaxing an answer from a child. "Can you promise that?"
Elizabeth drew in a deep breath, trying to calm the anxiety that rose at the thought of facing her fears. That alone was a scary prospect. But she knew Rosemary was right. Slowly, she nodded. "I can promise that."
A smile lit Rosemary's face. "Wonderful." She stood, pulling Elizabeth up with her. "Now, why don't we have a nice cup of tea, and then I'll fix us some breakfast. How do sausage, eggs, and pancakes sound?"
A responding smile filled Elizabeth's face. "That sounds wonderful." Spontaneously, she enveloped Rosemary in a tight hug. "Thank you for being there for me," she said, choking up with emotion. "I appreciate you and your friendship more than you know."
Rosemary hugged her back. "I'll always be here," she said softly. "You can talk to me anytime."
Gratitude swept through Elizabeth. She might be confused and afraid of her feelings for Nathan, but at least she knew she would have support while she figured out her heart.