Trust
Emil didn't feel like doing anything. All his energy was focused on not having an unfortunate gesture or word toward the fellow servant who had casually mentioned the fact that Lalli and Stefan were now dating and sorting out his feelings about it.
-Okay, show of hands. Who's for sticking him in the corner and hoping he'll get past the worst part before we really need him?
Emil suddenly realized he had stopped to sulk in the place of the kitchen that put him in literally everyone's way. How did he manage to do things like that without noticing as often as did? He could also tell he wasn't in the mood to take orders from anyone right now, and that was pretty much part of the job. The corner probably wasn't such a bad idea. He knew which one whoever had just spoken meant, and went there. Putting his forehead against the wall turned out to be surprisingly soothing. He heard another voice pipe up:
-Wow, did that really just happen?
What was so special about what he had done? He soon got his answer when the chatter elicited by the remark was well underway in spite of the work everyone was in the middle of doing and someone apparently assumed he wasn't noticing any of it:
-Ah, yeah, remember that time he spent five minutes complaining about the desserts taking too much time to be served to the guy who was trying to leave to go get the desserts?
That sounded like something he would have done a few years ago, indeed. Had he really stopped being like that, since he couldn't even sulk without doing it in the most inconvenient place possible? Fortunately, there was one stroke of genius in the kitchen's setup: the corner was right next to the sink, so anyone who went to it for whatever reason could take up the dishwashing as a happy medium between the tasks that required to be in the mood to cooperate with others and not helping at all. His hands were going to look horrible after this, but he didn't care. Actively keeping a courtship from following its natural course without being the bad person in the situation required extenuating circumstances that one would need to be completely out of touch with reality to claim the current presence of. All he could do was watch from the sidelines and regularly remind himself that he was no more entitled to court Lalli than anybody else. Besides, it was currently too early to tell whether the courtship was being a success or a failure. If the latter happened on its own, he might only need to wait to get another chance.
xxxx
Stefan sighed into his mug as the two of them were sitting at the Lodge's bar:
-Here's the deal. A customer dropped your name as part of a "avoid entering a relationship with that person at all costs" story he heard of. I didn't let the person who told me this know me how directly I was involved, but claimed someone I dear to me was talking about you a lot. That got the full details out of the guy. Do you care to hear them?
-You mean here?
There were currently three other members of Stefan's family in the room, including the barmaid sister whose name Lalli knew to be Milla; the two who were cleaning up the seating area were obviously keeping an eye on the bar. There were currently be no other customers. He then remembered that Roni tended to make sure he spoke to people one-on-one as often as possible. When Lalli had mentioned this to Mikkel, Mikkel had pointed out that it was a good way to tell different people different things, all while having everyone convinced that they had the same information as everyone else. Lalli fortunately managed to figure out the purpose of only having witnesses who were part of Stefan's family quite fast, even though the understanding did nothing to get rid of his unease at the idea that a wrong move or word could get him escorted out and asked to never come back. Stefan had apparently noticed him looking around:
-You don't need to worry about them for now. Once I'm done, you'll be able to tell your side. I'm still waiting for an answer as to whether you want to hear the long version or not.
If he was going to be allowed to tell his side, Lalli was going to need to know of what events exactly. He nodded.
What Stefan had heard made not only Lalli, but also Onni, Tuuri, Cecilia and Anne-Mari's father sound like the worse people in the world. The claims all sounded like things Roni would come up with. Some were facts that Lalli himself knew to be indisputably true. Among them, many were given the most cynical interpretation possible, regardless of whether a more optimistic one made more sense or not. Other facts were outright made up. Others made it sound like Roni had completely forgotten about things that had happened in his presence. Some were things that were definitely possible, but hard, if not impossible, to prove as outright truths or outright lies. One of the claims made it sound like Anne-Mari had just plain disappeared one day, and nobody in the family was willing to tell Roni where she had gone. As little as Lalli could stand the man otherwise, Anne-Mari's father had been the first person to explicitly suggest that breaking up with Roni might be the right thing to do, back when Lalli himself was merely silently considering it. According to past letters from the other members of the family, he was still making sure nobody else told Roni of Lalli's current location, which entailed hiding Anne-Mari's, as well. Mikkel had confirmed that it was a good idea, as people like Roni could invest a lot of energy in trying to make people who had left their circle come back. Fortunately, Stefan's view of the claim was that wanting to know the location of a child that was in no objectively confirmed danger that badly looked suspicious, as the more legitimate question of who was caring for her in place of her parents could be answered without specifying where she was. Lalli realized he could have Stefan meet Anne-Mari himself, which they agreed to have happen the next day. Once that was out of the way, Lalli wasn't sure where to start in terms of listing the other lies present in the claims. Fortunately, Stefan knew what he wanted to find out about first, and rephrased his follow-up questions when they were too vague for Lalli to be sure of what he was asking about. Soon, Lalli's entire stamina was dedicated to making the explanations as accurate as he could. When a new mug full of water and plate of snacks appeared in front of him, he gladly emptied both. In spite of this, he was exhausted by the time Stefan ended the conversation and only barely remembered being brought to one of the upstairs bedrooms before quickly falling asleep on the bed inside it.
xxxx
When Lalli woke up, Stefan was sitting on a chair next to the bed on which he was lying, reading a book:
-Hi. I'm really sorry that conversation tired you out so much. Unfortunately, I had to ask you all those questions to get the complete picture of what things looked like to you. The first thing I want you to know is that your former would-be partner is definitely the one between the two of you that people should avoid making life-long commitments with.
This felt like quite a generous assessment to Lalli:
-You think that even after I told you about all the bad things I did?
-Yes. And I'm quite sure I told you at least once that doing those things don't automatically make you a bad person or deserve the response you got from him. If you're having trouble wrapping your mind around that, the answer to a question you had for me a few days ago might help. Your answers to my questions made you sound closer to a sheepdog who looks a little too much like a wolf. Your former boyfriend would be a wolf who's so good at passing himself off as a sheepdog that nobody questions whether he's one or not before it's too late. The way you talked about those past events was much closer to that of the person who was blindsided than that of the person who did the blindsiding.
After a little thinking, what Stefan had just said made some sort of sense in regard to what had happened from his perspective. However, he knew his own perspective wasn't completely reliable, so he had to check on Stefan's:
-How can you be sure of what you just said?
-Objectively, I can't be completely sure. But the trust I have in my current assessment of you is why we are having our current conversation instead of me confronting you about possible dishonesty in your words from a few hours ago or whatnot. When you asked me out, you were, as far as I can tell, trusting that what you had seen over a month's worth of sparse story time visits and a couple paid conversations to be at the very least a good approximation of what I am really like. I'm considered a substandard match in part because many people consider those who perform for a living to be much more likely to have a private personality that is extremely different from their public one. Right now, I definitely know you better than you knew me a few days ago. This is why I trust my current assessment of your character. Is that enough for you to trust it?
Lalli spent some time assimilating what Stefan had told him. In the process, he realized that some of Roni's actions and words made a little more sense if he was seen as someone more prone to distrust than most people. When Roni didn't like a given situation, some aspect of it had to be a deception aimed specifically at him and the "real" situation had to be the one he desired, never another one he didn't. On the rare times the situation actually was everything Roni could ask for, he always found a reason to suspect that something he didn't like was happening just out of sight. That was probably one of the reasons Lalli had come to trust much fewer things during his relationship with him. However, there were things Lalli still routinely trusted, mostly because not trusting them would only serve to make his life more impractical. For instance, telling his side of his story to Stefan had entailed trusting him and his family to not use anything he told them for harmful purposes in the future, but he currently couldn't think of any scenario in which he would have gained anything worthwhile from being suspicious of them. Completely trusting Roni had resulted in several undesirable situations he had no idea how to fix, but trusting Stefan too little would make everyday life harder than necessary for both of them. Besides, he wanted to live a life in which Stefan's assessment of his character was correct. Lalli nodded to answer Stefan's question.
-Thank you. I know it wasn't necessarily an easy decision to make. The next thing you need to know is that I had a chat with a few people while you were asleep and Sigrun decided she wanted to go check on your family personally. If that rumor is making it hard for them to find or keep work, they may be heading back here as we speak, and someone roped into it by Roni may be following them to figure out where you are. In case neither Mikkel nor the seagull man have told you yet, don't respond to any attempt on Roni's part to open a communication line, even if it sounds friendly or makes you out as the only person who can help him with something. He'll start using it to hurt you again soon enough.
Lalli gave an understanding nod and put his mind to work on something coherent to tell Stefan. The first thing that went through his mind, however, was that he had taken this vacation in part to get a taste of how well he could manage without Onni and Tuuri's guardianship. They had every right to come check on him and their respective children as far as Lalli was concerned, but he didn't feel ready to see them again quite yet. He was unsure of the extent to which he would be able to keep their plans for his future separate from his own if he stared interacting with them in person again. His thoughts were interrupted when he suddenly became aware of the quantity of noise that was coming through the room's floor:
-What time is it?
-Almost dinnertime. Don't worry, you can stay here for as long as you want. We have a meal ready for you, in case you're interested.
If it was going to get even noisier than it already was, Lalli didn't want to stay in the building while awake. He chose to take the meal and find a place outside of the tavern to eat it. He assured Stefan he could go alone, and needed a little time to himself anyway.
While the meal had been prepared to still be edible after going cold, Lalli was hungry enough to sit down to eat it as soon as he was a good distance away from the Hunter's Lodge's dinnertime noise. There happened to be a bench in just the right spot. To his disappointment, it turned out to be occupied. However, when the lone occupant moved to one of the sides to make space for him, he decided that was a good enough fix for the situation. As he sat down, he realized the existing occupant was Emil. The food he was eating smelled much like the packet Lalli was currently unwrapping. Emil spoke:
-Love the food but would rather avoid the noise also?
Lalli nodded as he started eating. The statement wasn't wrong, after all. Emil spoke again between two bites:
-How's the courtship going?
Lalli realized too late that sitting next to him had been a bad move, but that leaving at this point or not answering would be an even worse one:
-None of your business.
-Fair enough.
Fortunately, Emil didn't try talking to him after that. However, as they were both getting closer to finishing their respective meals, Lalli remembered that the "room and board" jobs he and his family had taken in the past had included food. He got curious and spoke before he could keep himself from doing so:
-Why aren't you eating at the Solbergs'?
-Most of what we get consists of byproducts or leftovers of whatever is being cooked for the bosses. It's good, but we get absolutely no say in what's being made. Sometimes I crack and really, really want some sort of choice in what I'm eating. The place has the best stuff for the money you pay.
Lalli found himself nodding again. He looked at his own meal that, come to think of it, had a better chance of being byproducts and leftovers than something that had been put together with him in mind. Roni would have claimed he deserved better, considering his was courting one of the family's children. He would also have pointed out that they were the reason he had spent most of the afternoon sleeping in what, come to think of it, had almost certainly been Stefan's "workroom". However, due to remembering times where only having food provided by their employer to eat after physically and mentally taxing work had been an upgrade, Lalli considered having been able to rest off that conversation immediately after it happened and having food waiting for him upon waking up more than enough. All too often, there had been some work to finish up before anyone could rest. Or worse, it would turn out that the overwhelming activity had happened during what was meant to be "downtime". He also was never sure whether Onni and Tuuri didn't get mentally tired as easily as he did, or if they did and didn't mention it. Was he actually entitled to more from Stefan and his family? Or would asking them for more than what they had provided on their own volition make him an overdemanding person? He had absolutely no idea.