9. Apologies, haircuts and new starts

Outside the Potter's house

Sirius' POV:

I could see her sobbing through the kitchen window. I was so mad, so angry at her for betraying my trust. But I could feel my resolve break the more she cried.

My body walked outside before my brain could have a say in it. She wiped her tears when she saw me. Thank Merlin.

"What are you doing out here?" I asked her, taking a seat next to her on the stairs.

"I meant to go to Eva's but Aaron was here, so I was talking to him," she said. I felt a pang in my chest.

"Why was Aaron still here?"

"He apologised. He said he didn't mean to eavesdrop; I was just talking about my shit in a public place like a fucking idiot. He said he meant well and he hadn't told anyone," she said. "And he told me he liked me," she added, almost like an after-thought.

"Sirius," she started again. "I'm so sorry. I-"

"I know. I saw you crying. But you said you wouldn't tell anyone," I said bitterly. I wanted to yell, and scream. But she looked so small, and upset, that I just couldn't.

Her eyes widened, as she looked at me for the first time. "I didn't tell anyone that. I've kept my word Sirius."

She then proceeded to relate everything that had happened at the library, word for word.

"I feel terrible, Sirius."

I felt the anger leave my body. She hadn't really said anything that people wouldn't eventually have found out. She was just beating herself up over nothing. I felt an overwhelming urge to hug her- but we weren't supposed to be friends, I remembered.

"Look I get it, you're mad, but-"

"It's getting impossible to pretend you don't exist, Emilia."

She looked down at her hands. She did that a lot too, I noted. She heaved a deep sigh before looking straight ahead, almost like she was talking to the trees there, and not me.

"When I was around nine, I started getting bullied a lot. It was hard, it really was. Thinking back now, I was so fucking young and they just sapped out my spirit. There were days when I just wouldn't leave the house."

"One day, I'd just gotten a new haircut and then later I got bullied for it. I came back home feeling especially down and James got it in his head to prank me. His pranks back then were really silly and harmless, and I could always see them coming and I would love them. But that day, he'd put dye in my shampoo. On any other day, that prank would've been a hit, but that day it really triggered me. I picked a fight with him-but I guess neither of us accounted for my lack of control on my own magical abilities- and he got hurt, really hurt. I didn't mean to, neither did he and we sort of reconciled later, but he had to leave for Hogwarts soon after and we were sort of just broken."

"The year without James was hardest of all. I'd come to the blatant realisation that I didn't have a lot going for me outside of my family. That was the year I met Eva, but it was still really, really difficult. I couldn't wait to get to Hogwarts."

"When I did get to Hogwarts, James was a changed person. Not necessarily in a bad way, he was just different. He is different now, but I suppose so am I. He'd become loud and arrogant- we always had contrasting personalities, but he was never like this. His pranks weren't innocent and harmless- some of them were spiteful. What hurt me the most was that he'd become the bully I had spent so much of life despising. The more I saw of him, the less I saw of him. I was shocked, and I made promises to myself- to stay strong, to make my own friends, to build my own identity, not just piggyback on his like I had before. And to stay away from that side of his life-the side I didn't agree with, because I love him, and I wanted to continue doing that. That's why you and I haven't really been acquainted with each other, because I made it so."

My mind was reeling. "You were bullied?" I asked her, my voice shaky. She nodded, still looking at the trees.

"I'm sorry."

"I'm over it now."

"I know what you mean- about James changing. I can relate to him in that way. I remember being sweet and innocent, and then we started growing up and our priorities changed and I suppose we have become arrogant. I guess, from an exterior perspective- from your perspective, it was drastic. But we are not bullies," I tell her.

"You hex random children in the hallways. And what you did with Snape that day- in my books, that's bullying. You prank people, and a lot of them are actually really clever and hilarious. But some of them- especially when you refuse to provide a counter-jinx- are really cruel."

"We don't hex random children, just the bullies. And Snape totally deserved that. And Moony always gives in and hands out the counter-jinx anyways."

"You don't know if they're the bullies based on limited interactions pulled out of context. And honestly, even if they were, it's not like you hex them to "save" the kid getting bullied. You don't care about them- if you did, you would stick around to see if they were okay. You don't. You just do it to put on a show, it's to appease your own fucking God complex. And nobody, nobody, not even Snape deserves to get embarrassed in public like that. And we aren't talking about Lupin. We're talking about you and James."

She paused, looking at me with angry tears in her eyes, "I've been on the receiving end of this, Sirius. It feels like the end of the world when you're subject to that kind of negative attention. I'm not fond of Snape or his Death Eater tendencies, but I was there that day. And I felt terrible for him."

My mouth fell open and I was dead aware that tears were streaking down my face. I couldn't believe it. Her words stung like nothing ever had before. I wanted to deny them, I wanted to tell her she was wrong, but she wasn't. I remembered everything that had happened last year with Snape and Remus and the Shack. Had I really been this terrible of a person? How had I not seen it before?

"I- I," I tried stringing words together, but there was nothing to say. I looked at Emilia, really looked at her, sitting in the moonlight.

"You must hate me. You do hate me. Why are you here?" I whispered, my voice breaking.

"You've changed," she said.

I stared at her in confusion.

"You're a kinder person this summer. You and James both. More understanding, more patient. I don't know if its everything that happened with your parents or if you're just growing up-"

It hit me then. "It's you," I said.

She smiled at me. "I felt like I was holding on too hard to something that happened years ago. I wanted to let go of the anger I held over my bullies, which would get transferred to you. I would be reminded of it every time I saw you. I was told I could use some closure."

I nodded. "I'll change," I said.

She shook her head, "You don't have to. I was just explaining my side of things."

"No, I want to."

"In a lot of ways, I feel like you already have," she said.

My insides warmed up at her words. I pulled her in, tucking her into my side. She rested her head on my shoulder.

"Can I start over with you?" I asked her.

She laughed. "Sure." She pulled away, extending her hand. "I'm Emilia."

I took her hand. "I'm Sirius," I smiled.

The next day, I was woken up by people whispering loudly next to my bed.

I opened my eyes just a pinch to see that it was James and Emilia, whisper-arguing by my open door.

I sat up in bed, wiping the sleep out of my eyes.

"Look what you did," James hissed at Emilia.

She deadpanned. "He was going to get up anyways James. And you were the one who started this so early in the morning."

"Well, you were the one who couldn't keep her little mouth shut."

"For the last time-"

"James, it's fine. We talked it out, it's okay," I cut her short.

"You talked it out?" He asked.

"Don't be so dramatic. I apologised."

"And I said it was fine. And it is fine, so let's stop talking about this."

James huffed and left, but not before shooting Emilia an annoyed look.

Emilia's eyes swept over me, and I suddenly became aware that I was shirtless. Her eyes met mine and she blushed heavily, having been caught. She hastily exited the room, closing the door behind her.

I grinned.