17. Venom, pain and sad songs

Gryffindor Common Room

Sirius' POV:

"What'd you do?" Moony asked me, waving a hand over my face. He'd just come back from his rounds.

"You should've seen him," I grinned in false bravado. I didn't feel too great about the whole thing.

"Which is why I'm asking, what'd you do?"

"What is wrong with you?" Emilia's voice flooded the room, as she walked in through the portrait. Remus scampered away. I scoffed.

"What is wrong with me? You were the one walking around the castle, at night, laughing and- and flirting with Aaron fucking Warner," I said.

"I was not flirting with him. And I certainly was not laughing while you beat him up."

"Beat him up? He punched me first!"

"Well, you punched him more."

I grinned, "Damn right I did."

She looked disgusted. Wrong time, wrong person, Sirius.

"Why Sirius? Why the fuck?"

"I can't believe you're actually asking me that. He's the sleaziest person of all time and he was making his sleazy moves and you were fucking falling for it."

"I was not falling for it. Give me a little more credit."

"Well, you fell for mine."

She froze. "What?"

"Am I wrong?" I wasn't wrong. I wasn't, I knew I wasn't. I could smell the want on her this morning. It had been driving me crazy ever since.

When she didn't say anything, I pressed on, "You're not the kind of person who just makes out with somebody out of nowhere. You like me- why are you denying it?"

"I wish people would stop telling me what kind of a person they think I am. Maybe I did kiss you for no reason. Maybe my brain was still warped from whatever the fuck happened before."

I narrowed my eyes. "You're going to imply that I took advantage of you just because you don't want to admit that you like me?"

She looked away.

"Why'd you leave then? Too innocent to see through a casual hook-up?"

She snapped up to look at me, eyes glassy.

I nodded, "Hurts, doesn't it? Because it's not true. Just admit it. It wasn't casual." I felt an intense pull towards her, like being near her would make her see what she'd always known. I walked to her, stopping right in front of her, and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear, revelling in the feel of her skin against my finger-tips.

She recoiled like it was a reflex. "Don't touch me," she said, voice like venom, and started walking to the stairs.

Hot, angry tears trailed down my face.

"Are you ashamed of me?" I asked darkly- the question that had been bugging me for the past few days.

"What?" she asked from behind me. I turned around to look at her.

"Don't think I haven't noticed. When it's just us, you're fine, but you're always looking over your shoulder. In public, you don't even look at me. I may have caught a little of what your little Prefect friend was saying. Is that what it is? You reckon I'm going to go back to them eventually and you don't want to get involved? Is it that or do you just need someone straight-laced with a good family and good money?" I asked, my voice cracking at the end.

Her mouth opened and closed several times, trying to respond, but she didn't.

One last time. "Look I'm tired of this. I won't be like James and make a fool out of myself trying to convince you to go out with me or some shit like that. Just admit it, or I'll give up."

She didn't say anything, just looked at her feet.

I nodded, "Good night, Emilia."

"Sirius get the fuck up," a loud voice pulled me out of my uneasy sleep, its owner ripped the covers off me.

"No," I whined, curling into a ball (ish- my legs were too long now), trying to preserve my warmth.

"What d'you mean no?"

I groaned and turned to the other side. A loud gasp sounded from my left.

I opened my eyes just a crack. "What?"

"What happened to your face?" Peter asked. I closed my eyes and took a moment to consider my face. It did hurt, but it was ignored as the painful clench in my chest at the thought of Emilia took precedence. Even after she'd stomped all over my fucking heart, she was the first thing I thought of in the morning.

"Get up, Sirius," Remus' calm voice came from my other side. I groaned, but groggily pulled myself up.

Remus pulled my face to the side, and then with a wave of his wand, and a muttered incantation I couldn't quite catch, he healed my bruised face. Who knew that fucker had a lethal right hook up his sleeve?

"What happened last night, Padfoot?" he asked, gently.

I shook my head, getting down from my bed and walking into the bathroom.

"Sirius," James said, leaning against the door. "What happened?"

I didn't want to talk about it, why won't they just take the hint? "Can you cover for me at class? I don't feel like it." I said instead.

He frowned, "We have a Quidditch game later."

I sighed. I really didn't want to play, but I couldn't let my team down. "I'll be fine by then."

They all left for breakfast.

I spent the rest of the day sulking, alternating between red hot rage and soul-crushing sadness. I didn't know what to do with myself.

I couldn't understand it- any of it. Why she hadn't said anything when I knew, when she knew that there was something more between us. I couldn't have been the only one who felt it, I couldn't have been wrong about her feeling it too.

But maybe, I was.

What other explanation could there be? Maybe she didn't like me back. Maybe she did feel like I was too much of a mess to take on. Maybe it was the war- I mean she did have a full-blown panic attack yesterday morning.

Maybe she felt that she could do better.

I wanted to hate her. I wanted to hate her for fucking me up like this, for reducing me to this pining hot mess who spent all day in bed listening to sad songs and stuffing chocolate. I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried to steel my resolve, tell myself it was just another girl, that there'd be others- I couldn't shake off the damp sadness that threatened to overwhelm me. I couldn't write off this girl that I'd grown so fond of, so quickly.