Written for Writer's Month 2022. Prompt #5: Heart.
Happy reading!
They were all at Grimmauld place. Mrs. Weasley had just come from St Mungos, bringing news that Mr Weasley was doing better and that his life wasn't in danger anymore. The Weasley kids, having finally been reassured that their father would be alright in time, had all gone to bed. Not wanting to attract any attention to himself, and figuring the adults needed to rest as well, Harry went to his room as well. However, he didn't really want to go to sleep.
Walking around his room, he thought how lucky he was not to share his room with Ron this time. Every other time he spent time with the Weasleys he bunked with Ron due to the lack of space; however, since this was Sirius's house, and Sirius was his godfather, he had a room permanently assigned to him, and he didn't have to share with anyone. And although the fact pleased him anytime – it was nice to have a place where he belonged and was wanted – it was especially convenient right then.
The incident with Mr Weasley shook him badly. Of course, he understood that the worry he felt couldn't be compared to that of his children, but still – the whole situation affected him very badly.
He was worried about the man who was the first one ever to show anything resembling fatherly affection to him ever since his father died. He was disquieted by the fact that he could see said man get hurt at the same moment it happened while he was sleeping. He was scared by the way he felt when his eyes met Dumbledore's last night – like he was ready to jump at him and kill him that very moment. Most of all, he was terrified that something similar might happen here, in a house filled with the people he cared about the most. And he had no way to be sure he wouldn't go through with it this time.
Obviously, he was getting affected by Voldemort in one way or another. Moody thought he was getting possessed – maybe that was it. Anyway, it was the first time he felt that way, and it came right after the terrifying vision of Mr Weasley getting bitten by a giant snake. One case was certainly not enough for him to be able to discern a pattern, but still, it appeared to be connected to him sleeping. After all, he couldn't recall ever having a vision while awake, and he certainly never felt like he was possessed before today.
Thinking about all that, he wondered what to do. Obviously, he was staying at Grimmauld place - it would be too suspicious for him to go back to Hogwarts after leaving right under Umbridge's nose; and besides, Christmas holidays were approaching, he would be expected to stay where he was. At the same time, him leaving for Hogwarts would break Sirius's heart, and that was something he refused to do.
His only other option was to run away, but that wouldn't work either – many people cared about him, and even those who didn't considered him a valuable asset to the Order; they would go after him, and thus get in danger because of him. Apparently, he had no other choice but to stay where he was.
However, he couldn't just go on like nothing had happened, like he wasn't dangerous for them all. He would have to take all the possible precautions and try and protect them from himself. He'd try and avoid spending time with anyone else, especially alone – anyone being alone with him would be in danger and less likely to manage to overpower him and save themselves. Therefore, he would spend as much time as possible in his room, and hopefully he wouldn't hurt anyone.
Since the possession seemed to be connected to his dreams, he would also try to avoid sleeping as much as possible. It wasn't a guarantee for no more losing control, but it couldn't hurt – after all, it was a small price to pay for even the smallest chance of keeping those he loved safe. With that in mind, Harry prepared himself for a long night of fighting sleep.
The next morning, Harry had to go downstairs and eat something – it wasn't so much about him being hungry as it was about it attracting unwanted attention should he decide not to come down. He entered the kitchen and saw Mrs Weasley laying out the platters of food on the table. If it wasn't for the bags under her eyes and the tightness of her face, she would have looked the same as she did every morning he ever spent at the Burrow, eating breakfast with his best friend's family.
- Good morning, Harry, dear.
She looked at him fondly, like she always did, but there was a shadow behind her eyes, clearly showing her thoughts weren't in the Grimmauld place kitchen, but rather in St Mungo's, with her husband.
- Good morning, Mrs Weasley.
Harry walked to the kitchen table and took a seat.
- Just you sit there, dear, and I'll get you a plate to eat. I'm not sure, but I think the boys and Ginny will be down real soon – I heard some talking from upstairs.
He took the plate piled with eggs and sausages she offered him and began to eat.
- Yeah, I heard something too – they'll probably be here any minute.
Just as he said that, footsteps could be heard descending the stairs. First came Fred and George, then Ginny, and a couple of minutes later Ron. They all sat down to eat, but the atmosphere was jarringly different from the usual breakfast of the Weasley family. Instead of the usual laughter, talking and bickering between the siblings, the meal was a silent, somber affair. Swallowing the last few bites of his breakfast, Harry thanked Mrs Weasley for the meal and went back to his room.
The following days followed a similar pattern – he would spend the night trying to stay awake as much as possible, only taking short naps for fear of getting possessed again. He came down for meals, but didn't say much – after all, nobody really talked all that much these days. All the remaining time he spent in his room, fighting off the growing exhaustion and fear.
As the Christmas holidays officially began, Hermione came to Grimmauld place as well. She talked to both Ron and Harry a bit; however, she soon realised that no one in the house was up to much conversation. From then on, she kept silent just like everyone else did.
Around the same time she came another familiar face appeared at the house – Remus, their former Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. He was back from an Order mission, and wanted to spend the holidays with Sirius, his best friend. And the fact that there were all that many more people at the house was just an added bonus.
Harry was happy to see Remus. He might have been just a school teacher, and they might have spent only a year being near each other for a longer time, but Remus had done a lot for Harry. He taught Harry the Patronus charm so he wouldn't have to suffer in the presence of the Dementors; he told Harry stories about his parents, which nobody had really done before; he helped Harry in many ways, and so Harry really liked seeing him again. On the other hand, the fact that he liked Remus also made him keep his distance, for fear of putting the kind man in danger.
Remus noticed that Harry was keeping to himself. His eyes were bloodshot, and there were dark bags under them. He talked very little, and spent most of the time in his room. Most of all, he looked extremely distraught – even more than the Weasley children, and that was saying a lot, since their father was in the hospital.
Remus resolved to speak with the teenager and try to get to the bottom of his worrying behaviour. Sure, the whole situation they were in was very stressful, but it seemed to be affecting him worse than the others, and Remus was determined to find out why.
He got his chance to speak with Harry the next day, right after breakfast. If possible, the teen looked even more haggard than the previous day, and his whole frame was tense. Remus could see there was something serious going on, and he was getting worried.
- Harry, would you mind if I had a word with you?
He tried to make his question sound relaxed, like there wasn't really a problem they had to talk about, but the boy still flinched at the prospect of talking to him. Remus was getting all the more concerned – what was going on?
- Of course, Professor.
The teen took small, sluggish steps and followed him to one of the many empty room in the house.
- I have told you many times you didn't have to call me Professor – Remus is just fine, I'm not your teacher anymore.
Harry just looked sideways at that and shrugged.
- Would you mind telling me what's wrong, Harry? You seem to be very troubled – can I help you somehow?
The teenager seemed to retreat even further into himself. His shoulders hunched a bit more, and he took a step back from Remus.
- Nothing is wrong, Professor – just worried about Mr Weasley, that's all. Thank you for asking anyway.
Saying that, Harry made to leave the room, but Remus stepped in his way. It was obvious the teenager was dealing with something more than just the injury of his best friend's father, and Remus was determined to find out what it was.
- Harry, I know that's not the whole story. Come back and tell what's really bothering you.
He stretched his hand towards Harry, wanting to grasp his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him and make him more willing to talk; however, he most certainly did not expect the reaction Harry gave to that.
- Don't touch me! Stay away! Just... stay away.
The boy jumped a few steps away from his former professor, fear gleaming in his eyes. Remus's gut clenched in worry – why would the boy be afraid of him? Had someone hurt him? Taking slow, measured steps, he came a bit closer to Harry and tried speaking in a more gentle, nonthreatening voice.
- Please, Harry, what's wrong? Has someone hurt you? I won't hurt you, I promise – there's no need to be afraid.
To his surprise, his words did nothing to calm the boy. If anything, he got even more agitated.
- I don't think you're going to hurt me! I think I'm going to hurt you!
Having said that, the exhausted teenager turned away from him. Remus was getting a little confused – why would the boy think he'd do something like that? Still, it was obvious from Harry's actions that this was weighing on him heavily, so Remus was going to do everything possible in order to get to the bottom of it all.
- Why would you hurt me, Harry?
The boy shook his head, seemingly fighting with himself. It looked like he was trying to keep it to himself, but at the same time wanted to share it. Remus took another step closer to him, and that seemed to drive him over the edge.
- No! Stay away! You don't know when I might get possessed and hurt you – he can get in my head at any moment and make me do it, and I don't want to hurt you – go away! Please...
The burden of such terrifying thoughts finally being said aloud after so much time spent keeping them to himself, coupled with the exhaustion caused by his ceaseless efforts to stay awake, made Harry shake. Remus's heart broke seeing the boy he came to care for a lot be hurt like this – it was too much for an adult, let alone a teenaged boy.
- Harry, I assure you, you won't hurt me. You...
Whatever he meant to say, he had no time to do so, for Harry interrupted him.
- How can you know? I was there when Mr Weasley got bitten – I saw it all from the perspective of the snake! I see into Voldemort's mind! I dream about him – about what he's doing! And, who knows how much of what I do he can see – he might be listening in on this and I wouldn't have a clue! I was obviously possessed by him, or something like that – don't try to deny it, I heard Moody talk about it – it could happen again, and he could make me hurt someone, and...
- Harry, stop! Please, hear me out!
Remus was absolutely thrown by the sheer amount of terror Harry was feeling. And to be keeping it all to himself all these days...
- No! Nothing you can say can change my mind! I sleep and he gets to my mind – so I can't sleep, and I can't be near anyone because I might hurt them, and...Well... I guess I shouldn't be near anyone anyway.
Harry's eyes were filled with torment, and Remus was taken aback by the amount of suffering he could see there. To think a fifteen year old boy was dealing with it all on his own... He needed to get through to the boy.
- Why shouldn't you be near anyone anyway, Harry? We love having you with us, spending time with you – I can't imagine a reason for you to think we would want anything different.
He looked at Harry gently, trying to understand what went through his mind.
- I shouldn't be near anyone. I – I'm evil. You should all go away as quickly as you can.
The boy had a dejected look in his eyes, like he had already come to terms with the fact that he would be left alone.
- Evil? Harry, why would you think you're evil?
It was truly baffling. He might not have spent so much time with the boy lately, but he was confident that there was no reason for him to consider himself evil.
- Of course I'm evil! What do you think, why do I have this connection to Voldemort? We're alike – almost the same! We're both orphans, we both speak Parseltongue, we almost got into the same House – I had to beg the Sorting Hat not to put me in Slytherin! Deep down, I'm evil, and that's why he's in my head – and you'd do well to keep away from me.
Remus took a deep breath. It was obvious this wasn't brought on by the incident of the snake attack at the Ministry alone – some of this must have been festering for a long time before as well.
- Harry, you are seeing just a small part of the picture. Sure, there are certain similarities between you and You-Know-Who, but...
- There is no but! I'm evil, and that's all there is to it, and Sirius is going to hate me, and...
At that, Harry finally broke. They had come to the heart of the matter, and Remus knew that all Harry's defences were down now. He didn't even know where to start with all of this – there was just so much to work through. The fear, the belief that he was evil, the thought that Sirius would hate him – he should have known something like that would be involved; after all, Harry valued Sirius's love and acceptance more than anything else in the world. It was evident that he was struggling; had been for a long time, and it was up to Remus now to help him.
- Harry, can you please listen to me? Just listen?
Harry hesitated for a moment, but in the end he gave a reluctant nod, to Remus's relief.
- Thank you. Harry, I know you – I've known you as a baby, and I've known you for over two years now. I know your greatest fear. I know how you act. I know who you are, and let me tell you, the boy I know isn't evil in the least. He is caring, considerate, heroic to the point of foolishness at times, brave and loyal – he is a good person. Now, I don't know for how long you've been thinking all this, but it's all wrong.
- But...
- No buts now, Harry – you said you'd just listen. Now, as I was saying, I know you're not evil. At the same time, I wonder how you could think Sirius would ever hate you. He loves you – he loves you more than anything else in the world. You're family, Harry – he won't ever turn his back on you.
Remus expected his words to reassure Harry; after all, he could understand why Harry would be afraid that Sirius would turn away – he hadn't really had much experience with adults caring for him. However, to his surprise, Harry got even more agitated.
- You don't know he'd never turn his back on me! So what if we're family! He's already turned his back on family before for them being evil – I'm just next!
Well, now that he said that, Remus realised the mention of family wasn't exactly the best way to reassure a kid whose family hated him that he wouldn't lose a man who walked out on his family when he was sixteen. It wasn't really that strange that Harry didn't consider that comforting.
- Harry, Sirius walked out on his family because they were truly evil. They treated him awfully. they treated everyone awfully. They enjoyed causing pain and death; they fed on fear and despair. You're nothing like that.
He could see Harry was really listening to him, and although he looked like he had something to say, Remus kept talking.
- You're afraid of hurting people, they relished it. You're scared of being evil – they revelled in it. They knew what they were doing was bad for others, and they were proud of it. None of that sound like you Harry – you are not like them.
Remus could see Harry was thinking about all he had said. Still, he felt it wise to impress his point on him once again.
- Harry, you are NOT evil – you are one of the best people I know. I won't lie to you – there are certain things you share with You-Know-Who, but that doesn't define you. None of those things are evil on their own, after all. You are scared of being evil; you want to keep everyone safe and unharmed – and that's exactly what makes you so absolutely different from him. You are a good person, Harry.
At long last he could see that Harry had accepted what he said. Giving a slow nod, he seemed to relax, at least a little.
- Good. Now, go and sleep – you look like you haven't seen your pillow for way too long.
Remus took a step closer to Harry, and enveloped him in a hug. He could feel the boy exhale, finally letting go of the awful burden he had been carrying all this time.
- And you should really talk to Sirius – I assure you, he'd never dream of hating you or turning away from you.
Giving another sleepy nod, Harry left the room and went upstairs. He got in his bed and slept, for the first time truly slept, ever since he came to Grimmauld place. Remus watched him go, and exhaled in relief – things were going to be alright.
Thank you for reading! If you feel like it, I'd love to hear what you thought about this - please leave a review! All feedback, good or bad, is very appreciated and wanted!
I wish you all the best, and hope you have a great day!
P. S. I wrote another story, "Out of the Pensieve and Into the Fire", which loosely follows this one. If you're interested, go check it out:)