A/N: Okay, new Chapter. This is the first of one of many discussions/fights that need to happen in order for them to move forward. Move forward in what way? Well, you have to keep reading to find out.

Also, chapters may become shorter or more spaced out without more feedback. I see a few people are following the story but not many reviews. They are welcomed :) I use the feedback, opinions, and takeaways you guys get to make sure I'm communicating the story I want to write effectively.

Chapter 4

She was in a good mood as she walked into the precinct that evening. She had had the weekend off. And she had actually been able to use it to spend time with her kids and to relax. It was a rare occasion. On top of that, she had gotten the Monday off too as Fin and Amanda were up for the case. And that had never happened before as far as she could remember. She was only there because they had found some info that they thought may have been linked to one of her previous cases so she had come on to help them out on their case. She didn't mind as she loved her job, and she was just thankful at this point that she had actually gotten to spend the unexpected time she had off with her kids.

"Hi," she smiled at a random officer she didn't know but that she had seen enough times that her face was familiar. It was clear the officer felt the same as she smiled back with her own greeting.

She had just turned the corner into the atrium that held Cragen's office and the hallways leading to their offices. She was gonna get in and out and hopefully in enough time to get her kids ready for bed before she revved up again to full speed as far as work was concerned. She knew that dream was dead as soon as she heard his voice.

"Liv," he called out to her as he quickened his pace to catch up with her. He'd been trying to catch up with her all weekend. He'd called her multiple times and at this point, he was sure she'd just blocked him. He had been getting her voicemail after a few rings, but that had soon turned to nothing. He'd gone to her apartment Friday night but had found that she had moved. He'd tried to find her but he had been unable to get her new address from anyone. He'd refused to ask his new coworkers to assist as they would be curious as to why he was acting like a fucking stalker. He didn't want to seem like a crazy person as they were still getting to know each other. His PI skills hadn't helped him because apparently, Olivia did not want to be found. And he was sure she had had help with hiding her new residence from being easily accessible. He probably could have eventually gotten it but he hadn't found himself being able to focus long enough to actually make any headway.

He found it fascinating how all of his ex-coworkers were so insistent on protecting the woman's wishes, while determined not to help him find out if he had another fucking child walking around without his knowledge. Not that he had told them that was why he was desperately trying to get in contact with her. For some reason, he'd been protective of that piece of information. He wasn't sure if it was because they would judge him if he was wrong. Because if he was, there was a good chance that they had no idea what had happened between the two of them prior to his leaving. And even if he wasn't wrong, that still didn't mean they were privy to that information.

He saw her stride falter slightly. That was the only indication that he had had that she'd heard him, because she didn't turn around. "Olivia," he called out again, a little more strongly now as he felt himself growing angry at her ignoring him.

He had been in a spiral for damn near three days now and he was not in a good mood. She sped up a little but he caught up to her in one of the hallways. He reached out and grabbed her left forearm and turned her to face him, pulling her into his chest in the process. She reacted immediately by bringing her hands up to his chest and attempting to push him away from her. He didn't budge and she just glared at him.

"I need to talk to you," he whispered harshly. The volume of his voice was due more to the fact that he was seething by this point and he was trying to keep it together rather than fear someone would hear them.

"I am at work, Elliot. So unless this is about a case, then…." he cut her off.

"This is not about a fucking case, Olivia!" he said taking another step towards her causing her to take a half step back. She would have put more space between them, but her back came into contact with the wall.

"Just who in the hell do you think you are?" she asked him as she found herself meeting his obvious anger. "You can't just show up demanding…" he didn't let her finish. That wasn't why he had tracked her down. He needed to know.

"How old is Isabella?" he cut in. He immediately had his confirmation as he saw her anger visibly dissipate and her normally olive skin went pale. She made no attempt at speaking.

"Olivia," he started again after not receiving a verbal answer. He needed her to say it. "How old is she?"

She stared at him a little longer before shifting slightly on her feet. She definitely did not want to have this conversation now or in the middle of her workplace. Only two people knew the true paternity of her daughter, and that was only because she had spontaneously grabbed one of them, pulling him into Cragen's office with her when she'd told him that she'd needed to be on desk duty. And that was only after she'd found it damn near impossible to hide the pregnancy any longer.

She looked around the hallway again, seeing that it was relatively empty. There were still some stragglers around and she knew all it would take was one to overhear or just to make an assumption about what the two of them were talking about. The news would break out throughout the precinct and the NYPD for that matter. She didn't want that two to happen. The best way she could think to keep that from happening was to keep him from causing a commotion. So she answered him.

"She's three," she said quietly, looking down at their feet.

She heard him take in a shaky breath as his hands went to his hips. She still knew him, somewhat. He was trying to keep from flipping his shit. She heard him release the breath he had been holding.

"Okay," he started again. "Uh..was, she…," he turned away from her shortly before making a full circle and facing her again. "Am I missing something, Liv? Was she born early or …am I missing something?"

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath of her own. Her own fear of the conversation fading as she heard the hurt seeping into his voice, replacing the anger. This caused her own pain about the entire thing to bubble back to the surface.

He stared down at her, waiting for an answer. This was too hard. Too much for him. He had initially been driven by anger, but now…Now he was starting to realize that there was a little girl somewhere in the city that was directly linked to him, and he had missed the first three years of her life. Not only that. He'd abandoned the woman he loves at a time when he should have been there for her the most. They had created a new life together, and then he had left her. He'd left both of them.

"Olivia?" he questioned, hearing his own voice crack.

She felt the tears threatening to spill from her own eyes and took a moment to try to regain her composure. She knew from the moment that she'd seen him in Cragen's office that she was likely going to have to have this conversation. She thought she would have a little more control over how she broke the news, but of course, he had figured it out before she had a chance to implement a game plan to tell him.

She looked up again and met his eyes, trying to force herself to respond as all the words now seemed caught in her throat. She looked at him, really looked at him for the first time in years and she could almost see the remnants of the man she had fallen in love with. She wanted to be upset with him. He didn't have the right to be hurt about this, not when he had created this situation for himself. She really wanted to be upset, but in that moment, she was just too overwhelmed with so many other emotions. She found herself growing exhausted.

"Why don't you just ask me what you really want to know, Elliot?" she stated chancing a look around to make sure that they still hadn't drawn any spectators. But she soon found herself being surrounded by him again as he stepped back into her personal space.

"Liv?" he said and she knew what he wanted. But instead, she turned her eyes back to the ground. "Liv…please?" he begged.

She took a breath, steeling herself, still fighting to keep the tears from falling. Then, she met his eyes again. "Is she mine?" she heard him ask, his brow furrowing as if the question itself was a knife through his heart. She could see he was fighting back his own tears from the redness of his eyes.

Suddenly her tongue felt ten times heavier in her mouth, stuck to the floor of her mouth. It was like her brain disconnected completely from the nerves that allowed her to speak. She was trying to produce sound, but it was proving to be more of a struggle than it normally was.

An audible gasp was the first thing she was able to emit and that was more from the fact that she just wanted to prove to herself that she was still capable of emanating sound. After breaking the paralysis of her tongue, she finally found herself responding to him.

"Yes, Elliot," she breathe out. "She's yours."

She watched as her words finally made it through to him, breaking his last bit of equanimity. At the sound that tore from his throat as he turned away from her, she found herself furiously wiping away at her own tears. She made it a point to look anywhere but directly at him. She couldn't handle seeing someone else break from their own emotional torment when she was fighting from being dragged under by her own.

This couldn't have been good. It could not. Maybe she should have spoken to Dr. Lindstrom about this on Friday, but she had done her best to avoid bringing it up. That would have at least probably given her some sort of tactic to handle the heaviness that she was currently feeling baring down on her. No secret now that it would definitely be a hot topic during their next session. That was if she didn't have to call him for an emergency session before then.

When she was able to look at him again, she found him squatting next to the wall across from her. His back was to her and one of his hands was rubbing at his brow. She just stood there silently, allowing him a moment. She remembered the first time she had found out about the result of what they had done, so in some way, she could empathize with what he was going through. And in obvious other ways, she couldn't.

She watched still, as he stood suddenly, seemingly more in control of himself now. He seemed to be in thought as he stared down at the floor. "Uh…I wanna," he stuttered before turning to her. "I wanna see her."

At his words, her mouth fell open. Thankfully she was able to stop herself before a blunt and abrasive 'no' fell from her lips. It was her natural instinct. To protect her babies. She didn't really mean no forever, just no for now. She needed to figure out the best way to go about this. Maybe talk to Lindstrom or Huang. See what they thought. Because... shit. She didn't know how this would come off to the child.

She was only three. She didn't think that she had really fully embraced the concept of parents as a set. She could see it was heading that way, when she would talk about one of the other kid's fathers bringing cupcakes. Or their daddies picking them up from the daycare or bringing them to the park, but she hadn't come out and asked about it. She wasn't sure if that was because it hadn't fully registered to her yet or if it just didn't bother her that she didn't have a daddy to do things with. Maybe her makeshift paw paw, uncles and her Nick and her Sonny were enough of a substitute for a three-year-old. Either way, she was sure just throwing Elliot at the child and screaming "Look. It's Daddy," wasn't exactly the most tactful way of going about it.

"Elliot," she said bringing her hand to her forehead. "I don't think that's a good idea just yet."

She looked away waiting for him to respond. She looked back at him when he didn't. He was just staring at her. She saw an array of emotions pass over his features before he finally decided to speak. "Liv," he started towards her again, "I'm sorry. I am so sorry."

"Stop," she said putting her hand out to keep him from continuing. She didn't want his apologies. She honestly had no use for them. They wouldn't help her to navigate the landmine she'd found herself in the middle of. She just wanted to get through this with her and her kid's mental health intact.

"No, Olivia," he tried to explain. He needed to explain before, but now…now…"I wouldn't have…left. I never meant to leave you, I just…" he continued, stuttering through his apology. It was only serving to make Olivia even dizzier with emotions.

"Elliot," she gritted out as she felt the tears finally making their way down her face. "Please. Just stop." Her pleas for him to stop fell on deaf ears as she felt his looming form getting even closer. And he just kept talking. Apologizing. Explaining. And suddenly, she felt like she couldn't breathe. Flashbacks of the one time she had so desperately needed him to show up for her. And, of course, he hadn't.

She found herself quickly darting to the side of him, desperate to get into an open space. To get away from him. To get clear of the situation completely. To get some fucking air into her lungs because now the walls were closing in on her. She thought she had been going for the exit, but when she finally drifted back into conscious thought, she realized that she had started making her way up to the roof.

She drew in a breath as soon as the fresh air hit her face. She assumed she had unconsciously been holding her breath as the dizziness she was trying to run away from had gotten worse. She walked over to the raised edge of the roof and placed her forearms on it, leaning forward. She could feel the attack coming on and she wasn't sure she could prevent it. She was still working on the skills her therapist had told her to try to remember and use during the revving up of her anxiety.

She squeezed her eyes shut as suddenly she caught a whiff of vodka. She knew that was just her brain betraying her, but that fact still didn't serve to ease her ever-increasing panic. She covered her face with both hands and tried to focus on her breathing. She didn't quite get it the first time but she did manage to catch her heart beating wildly in her own ears. It wasn't the aim but it did clue her into her own body and eventually, she caught on to one of her exhales. No sooner had she done that did she hear the door to the roof opening. She already knew it was him as she heard the footsteps coming closer.

She took her hands away from her face and turned slightly to look at him. "Elliot," she gasped, weakly holding a hand out to him, "stop."

Either he didn't hear her or he was opting to ignore her. She wagered on the latter. He had a way of being a bulldozer sometimes, she remembered, and that was exactly what she didn't need right now. She was already getting her ass whipped by her own emotions, she didn't need him invading her space and forcing his emotions onto her on top of that. But of course, he didn't listen.

"Liv," he said reaching out to her as he drew closer. "I'm sorry…" he stopped short as he watched her press herself closer to the ledge in an attempt to get away from him.

"I SAID STOP, ELLIOT," she yelled, but it came out more along the lines of a plea. The way it looked to him, it was as if her next step to getting away from him would be climbing onto the ledge of the building.

He stopped and looked at her more closely. He had seen this look many times before, and if he wasn't so caught up in his own emotional turmoil, he would have recognized it for what it was. Someone fighting off a flashback bought on by PTSD. Instead, he saw it as the woman he loved wanting desperately to get away from him. He just stood watching her, absorbing that feeling.

She watched him for a moment, and after being sure that he wasn't going to continue towards her, she sunk down to the ground, her back resting against the wall. She once again managed to latch onto her breath. Jesus. She thought she was over these. It had been a while since she had felt an attack coming on this strongly without a direct trigger.

She ran her fingers through her hair and bent her knees upward. She looked up to the sky reflecting on what had just happened and assessing to make sure that the threat of the attack was actually over. When satisfied that it was, she took a deep breath and blew it out before looking back at him. There was a moment of silence that passed between them, neither of them knowing what to say. She didn't really have anything to say. She was fine with the silence. She welcomed it.

He took a step forward, watching her closely. When she showed no resistance, he continued, stopping when he stood next to her. She remained on the ground and he looked over the ledge and down on the city below them. He had hurt her, he'd known that. He just didn't know how to go about fixing the mess he had made of them.

"Liv," he finally managed to croak out, "just tell me what I need to do, and I promise you I'll do it. I will do whatever you want me to do, just don't shut me out."

They still weren't looking at each other. She heard him and she was honestly too exhausted to fight with him now. She was too exhausted to really do anything. Her good, energetic mood was completely gone. All she wanted to do was go back down and help with the case as best she could, go home and go to sleep.

"You can see her, Elliot. You just…" she licked her lips which now felt dry after the near emotional meltdown. "You have to give me time. I don't want to completely confuse her."

He nodded, satisfied with her answer. He wanted to prod for a more specific time frame. He could read the room. He knew he would be pushing it by doing so.

They stayed there in silence for a few more minutes before she found the strength to pick herself up off of the ground. He noticed her movement and reached down grabbing her wrist. He helped her to stand and she allowed him. He looked down at her. She avoided his eyes and moved to walk away, but he maintained his hold on her.

She stopped, not wanting to engage in a tug o war with him, and waited for him to say what he had to say. She continued to look straight ahead as he was standing off to her right side. Seeing that she was not going to look at him, he gave her arm a gentle squeeze and passed his thumb over the inside of her wrist. She took in a breath and let it out before turning and looking up at him.

They studied each other's faces. This was the closest they had been with non-aggressive physical contact since he'd left. Still, neither of them shied away from it.

"Time," he started. "Okay, I can give you time. How long…how long are we talking here?"

"I don't know, Elliot," she said sadly. She was hoping one emotion would prevail and stick if she ever got the chance to lay her eyes on him again, but that didn't seem to be the case. Now she found herself mourning her friend. Even though he was standing right in front of her.

"Liv, I just found out…" he started. "I can't have my kid walking around not knowing who I am."

She breathed out a low laugh. "Elliot, she's three. She's survived this long, I'm pretty sure a few more weeks won't hurt her."

She tried to walk away again but he still had a hold of her. "Olivia," he growled out, pulling her back to stand next to him. "I need to see her."

"Your needs aren't my priority in this," she spat back at him. Yes, she was exhausted, but she would always protect her children.

He stared at her trying to control himself. For one, he knew she was right. She had been a mother to their little girl for a few years now. She'd been the one that had seen her through infancy, without his help. She knew her better than he did, so he knew she'd be best to make the decision on their integration into each other's lives.

"Okay," he nodded. "But don't you think she should know me as well?" No matter how much she pushed him away. He knew this woman. And he knew that she wouldn't want to deprive the child of the chance at having two loving parents in her life.

"She will," she told him firmly. "I told you I just need time."

"How much time, Liv?" he said, raising his voice. She didn't answer, and now she was back to avoiding his eyes. "You gotta give me something. I'm drowning here."

"I don't know, Elliot," she said wishing he would just drop it. She felt the tears coming to her eyes again. "God, what do you want me to say? I don't know. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how this works. I don't even know if she's to the point she's going to remember you not being there. We sure as hell don't have any pictures to try to convince her otherwise if she does. So tell me. How am I supposed to do this? I don't even know…" she stopped herself before she completed the sentence.

"What?" he asked, immediately catching her hesitation.

"Nothing," she lied. "Forget it."

"No, I don't want to forget it," he told her. "I wanna hear it. What don't you know, Olivia?"

"I don't know if you are going to leave her again," she told him, finally freeing herself from his hold and turning to face him full on. "How am I supposed to know that I'm not setting her up for the biggest fucking let down of her life."

"Because you know I wouldn't do that," he bellowed, his anger finally bubbling to the surface.

"I don't know shit, Elliot." She was no longer trying to escape the rooftop. She was fully engaged in this discussion. It was out in the air now. No use trying to avoid it. "I don't know you anymore. Hell, if I ever did."

"You know me," he told her, taking a step towards her as she turned her back to him. "Don't give me that bullshit. You know me better than anyone."

"No. I don't," she replied, turning back to him. "Because if I would have known that you were such a fucking asshole, I wouldn't have let you get so close let alone allow you into my bed."

"So what are you trying to say?" he asked her, knowing that they were in dangerous territory. Any time things had gotten this heated between them before, there had been someone there to get between them. But they were alone now. There was nothing stopping them from seeing this argument to the end. "You saying you regret our kid."

"Oh, fuck you, Stabler," she yelled, offended but also knowing he was just trying to be an ass. "You know that's not what I'm saying. Don't try to project your bullshit onto me. I wasn't some seventeen-year-old too fucking stupid to use a condom. I was well aware…"

"What are you trying to say here?" he raised his voice screaming over her.

"I'm not trying to say anything," she yelled back. "I think I was pretty clear."

He just stared down at her. He didn't remember her being this...cold. "Fuck you, Benson," he said quietly.

"Yeah?" she said lowering her tone too. She looked away from him briefly before meeting his eyes again. "Well, you already did. In more ways than one."

With that, she turned and began walking away from him. It was then he realized that he was in a worse place than where he began. He started after her, taking long strides to make sure he got to her before she made it off of the roof.

"Olivia!" he barked out. She ignored him and he started in a slow run, making it to her just as she began to pull on the door in an attempt to open it. He pressed his hand against the door and leaned into it, effectively shutting it again.

She could feel the heat of him on her back, and although the warmth was welcomed against the cool Autumn breeze starting to wisp across the rooftop, she wanted out of the current conversation. She dropped her head, looking down at the ground again, but keeping him to her back.

"I'm," he caught himself. No, he wouldn't apologize for the way that argument had ended. That was a low blow and damn if she didn't cut him deep enough to draw blood. "Next weekend? Can I see her? I can free up my weekend. I can do whatever, you want me to do," he offered. Begged. "I can come to your place. I can meet you somewhere. Whatever you want me to do. Just tell me."

She could hear the pleading in his voice and she knew the fight was gone from him. She felt like shit. It was never her intent to make him beg to see his kid. That just wasn't her modus operandi. No part of her character had ever made her think that that would be okay, not when he hadn't done anything to prove to her that he shouldn't be allowed to see her. She knew he was a good father. She just wasn't confident in his ability or want to be a good father to her kid.

She sighed, knowing that she was going to have to give him something. Otherwise, her conscious wouldn't let her rest. "I'm working next weekend," she told him.

"Okay," he said, his mind reeling for a solution after realizing she was going to at least give him something to leave with. "What about during the week? I can be available."

She shook her head. "No, I still need time. You've gotta give me some time to introduce the idea to her." Truth is, she had already introduced the idea of having a father to the girl. She still had pictures of him and from time to time, she would get them out and show them to her. She'd figure just because he didn't know of her, didn't mean she couldn't at least know that she had a tangible father out there. It had been a while since she'd gotten the pictures out. Between work, Noah's case, and just life in general it hadn't been a priority. She'd thought she'd had time. Or that she would at least have some warning before he showed back up in their atmosphere.

"What about the week after?" he pressed.

She huffed, pressing her tongue to the inside of her cheek. She turned her head and looked up at him. "Next weekend. I can…I should be able to get away for a few hours. It's not my weekend so if nothing crazy goes on…" she left the sentence open.

"Okay," he smiled down at her. He didn't want to have to wait that long, but that was something. He had a date to spend time with his youngest child. To finally get to hold her and get to know her. "I can do next weekend. Where? Your place? You want me to…"

"There's an event, a petting zoo, in the park," she told him. "I was gonna take her there on Saturday. You can meet us there. It opens at eleven."

"Okay," he agreed immediately. "I'll be there."

She nodded once before pulling on the door again. His weight was still resting on it and he made no effort to move. She didn't try again. She knew his refusal to allow her exit meant there was more. There was always more with him. She turned her head back to him, her hand still on the door handle.

He watched her for a second, wondering if he should just let her go. But he had to ask. Now that he had secured a time and place to see his daughter, he couldn't help but address the other burning question he had.

"What about us?" he asked.

She stared at him, trying to figure out what exactly he meant by that question. There were multiple implications she could assign to it. If she was honest, she knew exactly what he was asking her but she decided her safest bet was to feign ignorance.

She took a breath and turned back to face the door before letting it out. "We…" she hesitated. "We do our respective jobs. We get our shit together and co-parent this kid to the best of our abilities. And hopefully," she let out a deep sigh, "we don't screw this all up again."

She stared at him, waiting for him to move his hand. Still, he didn't. Instead, he stared back at her, searching her face for any sign that she felt more than what her words let on. Because that wasn't good enough for him. He wasn't quite sure what he wanted from her yet…well that was a lie. He was pretty sure what he wanted from her, what he wanted to build with her…he just wasn't sure about how to go about doing it. But he knew that with all the things that had changed for him over the past few years, his feelings for her were not one of them. Even after the comment she had made insinuating less than positive opinions about his feelings for his children. Yeah, that had pissed him off. But he knew they had had their arguments in the past, and there was sure to be a lot more in their immediate future. But unlike with Kathy, when he found himself perpetually pulling away from her after their arguments, he knew he could only let the woman in front of him drift so far away before he desperately sought to lessen the space between them. "What if I want more?"

Her eyes squinted at his words as she tried to figure out how he managed to be so audacious after all that had happened between them. He was dead serious, she concluded. A smirk came to her face. She found it amusing when people underestimated her resilience or self reliance. Or hell, her self-respect for that matter. How desperate did he think she was? Granted, she had had her moments when it came to men but those were more transient moments of weakness or lack of good judgment than actual desperation or brainless neediness.

She nodded once in a negative affirmation. Then she looked at the hand that was currently resting on the door, keeping her from opening it. The hand that his wedding band currently resided on.

She brought her hand up to his and heard him take in a sharp breath once she made contact. She placed her palm flat over the backside of his hand, gently caressing it for a second before changing her angle. She let her thumb rest over the wedding band. She turned to him again and saw that he was frowning now as he got to the road she was about to kick him down. She passed her thumb gently over the band once, twice. She then curled her fingers around his hand, gently moving it away from the door. He allowed her to.

She held onto his hand as she opened the door, finally revealing her escape route. She turned to him once more. "Go home to your wife, Elliot. And please, leave me out of your bullshit this time around," and with that, she dropped his hand and walked through the door, leaving him there alone on the rooftop.

He stayed up there a while trying to decipher what had just happened because a lot had happened. His daughter. Their little girl. This caused a smile to come to his face. He had a child with the woman he had been in love with for the better part of the last decade. It was bitter sweet to him.

He couldn't believe that he had missed out on such an important part of their lives, of his life. That little girl, his daughter. He had missed so much of her life already. Her birth, her first words, her first steps. All the late nights and early mornings of feedings, diaper changes, and random crying that parents had the joy of figuring out at two in the morning. Things that he'd been there for with all of his other children, he had missed with her. All because he was being fucking stupid. If he would have just stayed and faced his shit head-on, instead of being so bullheaded and cowardly.

"God," he cried looking up towards the sky. He could never get that time back, and that pained him deeply. No way he could make it up to her and he knew that he'd spend the rest of his life trying to. Her and her mother.

He had effectively abandoned them. Abandoned. His eyes drifted close at the thought and he shook his head, trying to fight off all the implications of that word. He would never forgive himself for leaving the way he did. For not answering her calls. Listening to her messages. Writing her more than two fucking words cosigned with a small replica of his badge. What a great stand-in for a partner and a father. He was a god damned idiot.

And though he knew she had every right to hate him for it, because he hated himself for it, he still could not accept the idea that they were out of reach of being his completely. Because they were his family. His. Not Langan's or anyone else's. Even that little boy, he thought to himself, and noted not for the first time, his possessive thoughts extending towards her youngest child. He hadn't seen a ring on her finger, so whichever asshole had tried to move in and replace him was in for a fight. His mind instantly drifted back to Langan and the little boy.

Fin had said that there was nothing to tell. He was starting to think that if the man was being truthful, maybe his biological father wasn't in the picture. Or at least, it wasn't Langan. It would make sense. Even though she and Langan had been overly friend, way more than he'd like, their body language read more of close friends rather than lovers, current or past. That was saying a lot since he and Olivia had never been able to maintain that picture in other people's minds. Everyone had thought they were together, and when they'd asked why, they had gotten more than one answer including "the way you are around each other". He smiled at the memory. At that response from people, they'd always turn to each other and give a weird look of "what the hell are they talking about". They'd never seen it. Not while it was happening. Maybe later on in their partnership as it became more apparent to them that they were fighting feelings that extended beyond deep friendship. But he'd always thought they had hidden it well.

Maybe she and Trevor were just good at hiding it. He ran his hand roughly over his face at the thought. God, he hoped not because he honestly did not know how he could compete with Trevor Langan. One of the top defense attorneys in one of the largest cities in the country. How could he compete with that? The man was worth millions, was well known in all the high-ranking social circles, and was considered a socialite by most standards. And on top of all that glitz, money, and glamour, he was actually a decent human being. And it was clear at the moment, that Olivia obviously had more positive feelings towards the man than him. So how the fuck he would compete with that, he didn't know. But he knew one thing for sure. He wasn't just going to give up on having the family unit he'd wanted on some level since the first year of their partnership.

It had been a simmering thought, but he clearly remembered that it was around the marking of the first year of their partnership that he'd started thinking about what it would have been like if he and Kathy had never happened and he and Olivia had met earlier in their lives. Would they have been as compatible in their early twenties? Would he have fallen for her so easily? The answer had always been an immediate and resounding, Yes. Even in those fantasies, he hadn't regretted his children. They had just been hers, instead.

He smiled at the thought. She probably would have castrated him in his sleep if he'd attempted to get her pregnant anywhere near, what now…five times. Yeah, maybe everything had happened the way it was supposed to go to ensure that he got all of his children. Because she definitely wouldn't have gone for that, especially in her twenties or even her early thirties as she was so career-driven when he'd met her. He laughed out loud at the thought. She'd probably chastise him for even allowing the thought to cross his mind.

But he had known then, that she'd make a great mother. Especially after witnessing how she was with the children they'd found themselves working with. Yeah, Huang was good at making sure all the information they did get out of the children would be credible and admissable in court. But five minutes alone with his partner and those kids were singing like songbirds. Some of them clung to her as she tried to hand them off after getting the information they needed.

He remembered one particular incident when she'd been stooped next to a six-year-old that sat on a curb. She'd been speaking to the child about how she had gotten to be inside of the house and which adults were there with her. Any information the child could offer really. When she'd gotten a glance at one of the new uniforms trampling a part of the crime scene before it could be appropriately processed. She'd been holding the kid's hand at the time and stood abruptly before calling out to the guy. The little girl for her part had held on to her with the hand that was already in hers and wrapped her other little hand around the woman's wrist as she stood as well. Not willing to let go of the connection they had made. The brunette had instinctively scooped the child up and placed her on her hip, registering her distress without even looking at her. She then proceeded to stalk over to the officer and quietly lay into him about his not following procedural protocol. He had quietly made his way over to her. He could tell from her body language that she was pissed and was in the middle of ripping the guy a new one. But she was discrete about it, mindful to not cause him any unneeded embarrassment but also wanting to make sure that he learned his lesson. He'd tapped her on the shoulder and dismissed her with a quiet, "Liv, I've got it. Take care of the kid." He'd wanted to laugh because the guy was obviously afraid of her and the kid had been glaring at the man by that point as well, taking his partner's side and obviously knowing the man had done something wrong if he'd caused the nice lady to become so upset with him.

Yeah, she was definitely good at multitasking. People, emotions, tasks, just about anything you sat in front of her. She adapted. Which was a far cry from the wife he had found himself with. He'd also wondered, well he knew, he would have had a much more balanced life with her at his side rather than Kathy. Kathy was competent when it came to taking care of the kids, he couldn't take that from her. Especially since she had done most of it on her own as his career progressed through the department and their marriage had become more strained. But as far as managing their emotions or any problems that came up with the kids, or the house, or just about anything else, she needed him to be involved with it in some way. If not to handle it completely, to validate what she had done to address the situation. And even if she had resolved it without him, he still got the emotional 'whoa is me' spiel when he got home. Not to mention the constant calling and needing to be called during any random time of day for things that she could handle on her own or that they could have handled together once he got home, and wasn't actively pursuing dangerous people throughout the streets of the boroughs.

It was funny, he thought, thinking back on it. He'd grown to despise Kathy for how much she needed from him physically, mentally and emotionally. Yet, he'd found himself growing frustrated with Olivia for not allowing him to be there for her in that way. The woman would try to shoulder the world by herself. And nothing had pissed him off more than when she'd lie to him with her trademark, 'I'm fine' when it was clear that she wasn't.

He didn't know why she'd kept herself so closed off from him the entire time. Not the entire time. The thought popped to the forefront as he began subconsciously toying with his wedding band. He let out a groan as he struggled to come to terms with the fact.

She had opened herself up to him. The night he'd shot and killed Jenna Fox. And instead of focusing on that and allowing himself to be carried by the strength and comfort he'd found in that, he had thrown it all away. Dismissed it. Not cherished it for the precious gift that it was. The woman he was in love with offering her unbridled love to him and in turn, offering him the chance to love her as he'd wanted to for so long. And being so blinded by his bullshit, he hadn't been able to see it for what it was. And now that he did, he was determined to create another chance for them. There was too much at stake for him not to fight for it.

With that thought, he looked down at the band on his left ring finger. He realized that he'd been twisting and sliding it up and down his finger, stopping at his second knuckle. He stared at the band for a while, contemplating its meaning and where it now stood in comparison to all the thoughts that had been constantly running through his head for the last few days.

He felt a sense of calmness come over him as he made a decision. He slid the ring off of his finger and slipped it into his back pocket before exiting the rooftop. This was the decision he'd been most confident about in his personal life since he'd walked out of 1PP four years ago. Now he just had to figure out a strategy to get his shit together and to show Olivia he was serious about and committed to his intentions towards her.

A/N: Okay, now that that fight is out of the way. The next chapter should start moving things along a little more quickly. Or if you guys like the pacing of the story, let me know.