Trigger warnings: Suicide attempt, rape/sexual assault, overdose

Edited by CommanderLexaTrash

Eddie

Eddie sat on the edge of his chair, his right leg tapping in tune with his heart in his chest. The beep of the monitors and the hiss of the oxygen tank made him want to crawl out of his skin.

He couldn't look at Nat for longer than a second—just long enough to make sure her chest was still rising and falling. Bruising spread across her cheeks and brow. He kept his eyes focused on the wall, jaw clenched.

Tap, tap, tap, tap .

"They don't have a prognosis yet," Dustin's voice sounded far away and muffled, "But she seems stable for now."

He was letting the others know what happened–of course, he would want to make sure everyone was in the loop, which was something Eddie couldn't bring himself to do. He heard Dustin say, "Thankfully, Eddie got her to throw up a bunch of whatever she took."

Eddie snorted; yeah, right he was the reason she was alive. He ran his fingers through his brown frizzy hair and dug his fingers into his scalp in frustration.

Didn't they know he was also the reason she was almost dead?

"Yeah, I'll let you guys know. Talk soon." Dustin hung up the phone. He stood next to Eddie, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. "She's gonna be okay, Eds."

"You don't know that," he muttered.

"Sure she is. She's not on a ventilator or anything," Dustin tried to sound hopeful.

Eddie glanced at the tubes and wires hooked onto Nat and shook his head. "They said they lost her twice in the ambulance, man. They don't know what she is going to be like when she wakes up. If she wakes up."

Dustin didn't say anything else, but his grip on Eddie's shoulder tightened. Maybe he should let the kid have some sort of hope, but after tonight–he wasn't sure he would have a happy thought again.

After a beat, Dustin released his grip on his friend. "I'm going to take a breather and send Chrissy up, okay?"

"Okay."

Chrissy…

Eddie wasn't sure why, but in the back of his mind, he was angry with her. Maybe because he was furious with himself for not being there for Nat, and that reason was because he had been so focused on Chrissy. He knew it wasn't fair, but if he didn't spread some of that anger onto someone else he thought he would crumble under the weight of it all.

"Eds?" Chrissy's voice came from behind him. He tried to jerk his head to show he heard her but wasn't sure his body actually followed through. He heard her light footsteps as she came into the room and sat next to him. "I have something to give you."

Eddie turned to see what it was; she had Nat's journal.

"Where did you find that?" he asked quietly. Though she was offering it to him, he couldn't bring himself to take it from her.

"When they got her out of the bathroom, it was laying where we found her. I grabbed it before we left."

Eddie gingerly took the book from her. He suddenly wondered if Chrissy had read it; even just the thought made him furious.

Chrissy seemed to know what he was thinking and held up her hands. "I didn't open it. There may not be any answers in there, but if there is, you should be the one to read it."

Eddie swallowed loudly, glancing down at the journal in his hands. It somehow felt very heavy.

"I'm going to head home," Chrissy said, "This is all… too much for me…"

Eddie turned back and continued to stare at the wall. He didn't blame her. Chrissy's life was all sunshine and fucking rainbows–and fooling around with the freak had been fun. But the realization that the real world was still out there quickly killed the buzz. This world, his world, wasn't really for her.

He gave a quick nod.

"I hope she will be okay." Chrissy said sincerely. When Eddie didn't respond, she left.

Tap, tap, tap…

Eddie flipped the journal around in his hands. If he was being honest, he was terrified to open it. He knew why Nat did this—that this was all his fault. He just didn't want to see it on paper.

"Chrissy left?" Dustin asked, snapping Eddie back to reality.

He wasn't sure how long he had sat there, tossing the journal between his hands. When Chrissy left, the sun was just beginning to rise. Now, it looked high in the sky.

"Yeah, it was too much for her," he said.

Dustin huffed and pulled a chair over to sit next to Eddie. He noticed the journal and asked, "What's that?"

"Chrissy found it in Nat's bathroom when they moved her. I… haven't been able to open it."

"You should read it, Eddie."

"Why? I already know it's my fault," Eddie snapped.

Dustin shook his head. "Man, it's all our fault. We didn't realize how far we let her pull away…"

Eddie considered this. How long had it been since she went to a DND session? Sat with them at lunch? Why didn't they try harder to make her see they still wanted her around?

Taking a deep breath, Eddie opened the journal. He flipped through the pages; he saw his name peppered here and there until he reached yesterday's date.

"The night Eddie told me he fucked Chrissy Cunningham felt like a punch to the gut. Like one of those punches where you are doubled over, gasping in air but somehow it never reaches your lungs."

Eddie closed his eyes and the journal. He was right—it was all his fault.

Natalie

Nat nervously bounced her leg on the edge of Eddie's bed. She was waiting for him to get home, though she knew he stopped at a party on the way back from school. She knew he had no interest in the party itself, but it was the chance of earning extra money that got his attention. While they may be too chicken to try the other stuff, the kids would surely clear Eddie out of his stock of weed.

The thrill of rolling a natural 20 during tonight's DND session and saving the campaign was still racing through her veins, making her feel brave. In fact, it made her brave enough to decide she was finally ready to tell Eddie she was in love with him.

Anxiety seeped in slowly as she planned what she was going to say to him. She hoped it wouldn't be a surprise, or that he was struggling to tell her the same thing. If he rejected her, she didn't know what she would do. For one, she would have to spend more time at home with her mom and Craig.

Nat shuddered.

Everyone knew about Creeper Craig. She had been mortified when her mom brought him home, saying he was her boyfriend. When she told him, Eddie gave her an open invitation to spend as much time as she wanted at his trailer.

After what seemed like forever, Nat finally heard the doorknob rattle. Her heart was in her throat, and she continued to bounce her leg on the edge of the mattress.

"Nat! Nat, I'm so glad you're here. I gotta tell you what happened tonight!" Eddie was excited, giddy; it radiated off of him. He bounded into his room and stood in front of her, his hands clasped together with eagerness.

"I gotta tell you something too!" Nat smiled.

"Me first, me first! Please, this is going to blow your mind."

What's one more minute? Nat said, "Fine, go ahead."

"Okay," Eddie took a big, dramatic breath. "I slept with Chrissy Cunningham."

Natale stopped bouncing. The adrenaline drained from her veins, and her ears rang with nothingness.

"What?"

Eddie blathered, "I'm at the party, right? And Chrissy and Douchebag Carver get into a huge fight. Huge! And I was just about to talk some freshman into the new Northern Lights I got, and it happened."

"You were talking to a freshman and found yourself fucking Chrissy Cunningham," she asked incredulously.

"No, no, no," Eddie shook his head. "I didn't see that behind me… they were playing some spin the bottle, seven minutes in heaven game from hell. And when it was Chrissy's turn, she literally stopped the bottle so it landed on me." He pointed at himself for dramatic effect. "Me."

"You?"

"Me. So Chrissy pulled me in the closet, and I expected to just be standing in there with her awkwardly. I figured she'd use this moment to hold over Jason. But the next thing I knew, her hand was in my pants."

Nat clenched her jaw. "Wow, crazy," she said half-heartedly.

Eddie held out his hands in front of him. "Look at me; I'm still shaking."

"You sound like you need to sit down before you pass out," her feeble attempt at a joke sounded dull and hollow.

"Good idea." Eddie sunk into the mattress next to Nat. After a beat, he asked, "So, what did you have to tell me?"

"What?"

"When I got home? You said you had something to tell me?"

"Oh, I actually forgot what it was." She laughed to sound convincing. "Must not have been important."

"You sure?" Eddie asked kindly, his hand covering hers.

"Yeah, I'm sure I'll remember eventually." She forced a smile.

Eddie didn't push anymore. He laid back on his side of the bed and lit a cigarette, a huge grin on his face.

Nat sat frozen on the edge of the bed for a few moments. She couldn't move; it was like she had forgotten how to, like her lungs didn't remember how to expand. She had been emotionally gut punched.

"You gonna lay down sometime tonight?"

Eddie

Eddie stared at the wall in front of him. The journal lay open in his hands, his finger tracing Nat's handwriting-it looked hurried.

"She was going to tell me she loved me," Eddie's voice was barely audible.

"When?" Dustin asked.

"The night I slept with Chrissy. I remember getting home; I was just so excited to tell someone. I think she said she wanted to tell me something. But I dropped the bomb and I don't really remember what happened after that…"

None of this made sense. Eddie decided a long time ago that Nat couldn't possibly have feelings for him. Nat was busting her ass to get out of Hawkins, whereas Eddie was in his third senior year and made money by selling drugs. Why would Nat want to be with a guy who had no future? She deserved better than him.

He looked back down at the journal and read.

"I didn't think Chrissy was going to be around for long. I thought maybe once he got it out of his system he would come to his senses and I'd try to tell him again. But he didn't. And soon, she was showing up to our table at lunch. I couldn't believe it. In front of everyone. Knowing this wasn't just a fling took the legs out from under me. The day I came to lunch and saw Chrissy in my spot next to Eddie… that's the day that crippled me."

Natalie

Nat couldn't believe it: Chrissy was sitting in her spot next to Eddie, while Nat had to take the seat at the end of the lunch table, in the only remaining spot. Dustin and Mike stared at the pair at the opposite end with big amused grins spread across their faces. Gareth and Jeff didn't know where to look.

"It's not natural," Gareth muttered, watching as Chrissy wove Eddie's hair between her fingers. Nat could hear Eddie murmuring something to Chrissy to make her giggle, but she wasn't sure what.

Jeff cleared his throat. "Are we still doing DND tonight?"

The mention of his favorite game made Eddie pull away from Chrissy. "Of course we're playing DND! Why wouldn't we?"

"I guess we thought you'd be too, uh, busy, to come up with a new campaign."

Eddie snorted, "Never too busy my friend. Same time, same place. 6PM in the room behind the auditorium."

Nat couldn't wait for the session tonight. She longed for some normal, Chrissy-less time with her friends. She even hurried to get to the session early, hoping she could snag some alone time with Eddie without everyone around. She missed him—not just in a "I'm in love with you" kind of way, but in a "he's my best friend" kind of way. With his nights mostly spent with Chrissy, Nat ended up sleeping at home. It had been days since they had spent quality time together.

But when she arrived, Eddie wasn't alone.

"Oh hey." Nat waved awkwardly from the doorway.

"Hey," Eddie replied brightly. He was setting up his DM screen and prepping the map. Chrissy, who seemed to be everywhere lately, was flipping through one of Eddie's books. "You're early; the session doesn't start for another 20 minutes."

"I know. I was going to help you set up." Nat gestured to the table.

"Oh, thanks. Chrissy and I got it all set up. I'm just adding the finishing touches." Eddie plopped a figure on one of the grids on the map.

"I see. I"ll just wait then," Nat tried to sound light, but her heart felt heavy. She walked over to her chair and started to pull it out to sit down.

Eddie held up a hand to stop her. "Hey, can Chrissy sit there?"

"Chrissy?"

"Yeah, she's going to play with us tonight!" Eddie explained with a grin, completely oblivious to the fact that Nat was trying her hardest to keep standing. "And since it's her first time, I thought if she sat by me I could teach her how to play."

"Okay," Nat said the word slowly. She glanced at Chrissy, who smiled at her and continued to flip through the book she was holding.

Nat sat at her new spot at the end of the table and waited for the others to arrive. Once full of excitement, she now wanted this session to be over as quickly as possible.

Once everyone arrived and got over the shock of Chrissy joining their party, the session started. No one seemed to notice that Natalie was hardly participating. No one seemed to mind Chrissy being there.

And when the session was over, no one seemed to mind that Nat quickly grabbed her dice, shoved them in her bag, and left with a hurried goodbye.

Eddie

" I couldn't get away from her. I eventually stopped sitting with the guys at lunch and stopped going to DND, but I don't think they really noticed or cared. They had Chrissy, who was brighter and bubblier than I was. Why wouldn't they prefer to have her around?"

Eddie swallowed hard and felt his throat tighten. Had none of them really noticed?

" I just want to be clear. I don't hate Chrissy. I've actually always liked her–she's kinder than you would expect. But Chrissy has everything she could ever want… why did she have to come into my world and take the little that I had?"

"Somehow, I managed to stay stable over the next few weeks. Even with Craig hiding behind every corner, waiting to make his move or press me against the wall, taunting me if we passed each other in the hallway. I managed to fight my way through… until this morning."

Eddie shifted uncomfortably in his seat. His blood turned cold, but he couldn't stop reading.

Natalie

"Hey, Nat!" Dustin called. When she turned her head, she saw him waving at her from the other side of the school parking lot.

Nat hesitated for a moment; did she want to interact? Her legs surprised her by taking initiative and closing the gap between them. "Hi Dustin," she tried to give him a smile, but she was pretty sure those muscles didn't work anymore.

"I haven't seen you in forever; where have you been?"

Right under your nose, she thought. "Just been busy. It's senior year," she shrugged, hoping he wouldn't press her any further.

"You should come to DND tonight," he said.

"I dunno, Dustin. I haven't been in weeks."

He shook his head. "So what? No excuses. Take a break and come slay a dragon or necromancer or whatever horrible thing Eddie cooked up."

Eddie… Even hearing his name made her stomach flop unpleasantly. Wouldn't he rather see Chrissy?

"I'll try," she wanted to sound convincing, but she was sure she just sounded hollow.

Thankfully, the bell rang before Dustin could push anymore. "I gotta go," she quickly disappeared into the school.

When 6:30 rolled around, Nat finally worked up enough nerve to stand, albeit frozen in place, outside the door to their DND room. If she left now, no one would be the wiser… And she was very tempted to leave. Instead, though, she made herself take a step forward and peek through the window in the door.

If Nat had any fight left in her, it drained from her in that moment. Through the window, she saw Jeff, Gareth, Mike, Dustin, Eddie, and Chrissy sitting around the table. Eddie was being his typical animated self while the others watched him in anticipation for his next move. Big, enthusiastic grins were plastered on their faces.

Nat took a step back, her breath was caught in her chest. Her body buzzed with nothingness.

They didn't miss her at all.

She was completely empty.

Eddie

"She did show up last night," Eddie said hoarsely, glancing at Dustin.

"When? I didn't see her."

"She was going to come in, I think, but saw us through the window."

"Why didn't she just come in?" Dustin shook his head. To him, it didn't make any sense.

But to Eddie, it did. "She thinks we replaced her… that we were better off."

Dustin furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Wordlessly, Eddie dove back into her journal.

"I felt disconnected from my body. It carried me to Eddie's trailer, and I dug through his stuff for the pills. I should have cleaned up after myself. I should have left money. Or a note. But I was determined and I didn't want to lose my nerve.

"When I finally found the baggie, I thought about only taking one or two… just enough to get high and feel something other than debilitating loneliness. But something told me to just pocket the whole thing, so I did.

"When I got back home, I prayed Craig was asleep so I could sneak up to my room without him bothering me. When I saw his chair was empty, I took my chance and crept to the kitchen to grab a soda from the fridge. But when I turned around, Craig found me."

Eddie squeezed his eyes shut, his stomach flip-flopped uncomfortably. He had a feeling what she was going to write next.

"Craig probably thinks I had secretly wanted it. The truth is I just couldn't fight back. It was like it was happening to someone other than me—like I was watching from above my body. When it was done, the baggie in my pocket was calling my name. I emptied the pills into my hand as I ran upstairs and had them swallowed before I even closed my bedroom door."

Eddie slammed the journal closed, making Dustin jump. He stood up on quaking legs, made for the bathroom attached to the room, and barely made it to the toilet before he started retching, his stomach churning up nothing but bile.

In the room, he heard Dustin flip the pages in the journal. Dustin gasped when he found the page.

"We have to tell someone," Dustin's voice came from behind him in the doorway.

Eddie could only nod as he continued to spit bile into the bowl.