ATTEMPT INITIATED SCENARIO PREMISE: Linos in charge of meal planning, decreased realism coefficient
Abbey House Dining Hall | 9:50 PM | Second Day
The dinner conversation was much improved compared to that of the day before. After Fang had deflected several questions about the iron he had brought, people had gotten the point and had pivoted to asking the Order members about the Apega. Anna had bore the brunt of the questioning in the beginning, but her new appearance had not changed her brusqueness. Apart from Kam-probably due to her being the chronomancer in the group-the rest of the students had switched to talking to the more friendly of the grandmasters.
"It really is a pity that █ █ █ █ █ is no longer with us." Zeno said to Fang across the table from me.
I tensed up at the mention of his name. I was going to see Samium after the dinner and I was not ready for it, so my nerves were already shot. "We didn't see eye to eye, but it's a damn shame he couldn't be here considering the amount of work he put into this."
Zeno had spilled some pepper sauce on his himation, but didn't seem to care. The professionalism he had presented had disappeared as soon as the presentations were over.
"Are you all right, Utsushikome?" Neferuaten said, with a concerned expression. We had been talking about my other grandfather who it turned out both existed and was an old acquaintance of Neferuaten. I was thinking of a way to brush it off when Linos cleared his throat over the din of voices. Everyone turned to him as he cleared his spoke up.
"I see that you all managed to finish the meal between all your excitement after today's events, and I would like to present today's dessert. The unexpected events of the day left me less time to prepare than I would have liked, but I have personally, with my own two hands, no lie, baked you cakes."
Some of the students had confused looks on their faces, but they obviously didn't know how seriously Linos took his baking. The man was a genius not only in the arcane, but also in the kitchen. My mouth was already watering as memories from celebrating Akitum flowed into my head. Linos would always make his delicious barley cakes for me and Theo. I hadn't had any since I moved to Tem-Aphat and I must have let out an audible moan of anticipation because Ophelia looked at me with concern.
"I will be right back. Please look forward to the second most amazing thing you will experience today." He must have seen my hungry expression, because he winked at me before he wheeled himself out of the dining hall.
I looked over to Theo to see if he was just as excited as me, but for some reason he looked rather unwell. That was weird, he had just been talking heartily to Seth about something.
I was interrupted by Yantho coming to remove my dishes. Sacnicte was unfortunately in charge of collecting the dishes on the other side of the table, but I sneaked in a hopefully inconspicuous peek at her backside when she turned around.
"Why is Linos in charge of the dessert?" Ptolema asked Sacnicte as she moved to pick up her plate. Before she could answer Ptolema opened her mouth again. "And why cakes? We had that yesterday."
Sacnicte looked annoyed that she had been interrupted. "Master Melanthos is very particular about his baking. He was in charge of meal planning for this event, and he was terribly intent on sharing his hobby with the guests. As to your second question; you would have to ask him."
This did not seem to satisfy Ptolema, who had obviously just thought of another question. "But why is he getting the cakes himself? Shouldn't someone help him? You know, with the..." she trailed off.
Sacnicte moved around Ptolema and picked up Lilith's plate. She half-snorted a laugh-Gods, how is she so beautiful?-and looked over to Yantho. "Me and Yantho haven't been allowed near the kitchen all afternoon. He's turned it into his own private lab. We've had the golems carry the food all the way from the kitchen in the headquarters.
It was true that when we had returned to the abbey we had found the door to the kitchens locked, and Linos had left his seat during the dinner several times. I had thought it weird at the time, but had brushed it off as him going to the toilet. Not everyone was as shameless as Ptolema, and casting the Urine-Slaying Arcana in polite company was not Linos's style.
Ran leaned over towards me. "If Linos has been baking cakes in the building, shouldn't we have smelled anything?" I couldn't think of a good answer, but Sacnicte had overheard her. "As I said, Master Melanthos is very particular about his baking. He will usually use the Power to set up a bubble for preventing odors from escaping the kitchens. So as not to spoil the surprise." Ran's expression turned contemplative for a moment. "That is-very peculiar."
"I don't think it's that weird. When I was young, I used to bake all the time. Grandmaster Melanthos sure is an amazing person to.." I zoned out as Kam started sucking up to Linos. I had never seen her bake. And wasn't she still young? I was about to ask when-
Hi, this is your arcuate nucleus. You should go get some cake!, a part of my brain piped up. What- Who? I thought. CAAAAKE! the arcuate nucleus screamed. Linos will be back soon. Just wa- a sudden headache accompanied the next CAAAAKE!
"Excuse me," I said to Neferuaten. "I have to go to the lavatory. I'll be back soon". Something in the back of my mind was nagging me to follow up the questions about Linos, but it was overpowered by the screaming in my hypothalamus. I'll get you your cake, now be quiet.
As soon as I left the dining room I burst into a sprint, making sure to keep my footfalls quiet so as not to invite awkward questions when I returned. I made a note of the thin cloud of suspended dust around the entrance to the kitchen. This was probably the Matter-Suspending Arcana bubble Sacnicte had mentioned.
I gingerly tested it with my hand, and confirming it didn't affect me I threw open the door.
"Linos! You have to give me some cakes right n-!" I stopped as my mind took in the scene in front of me. Linos was unpacking a large cardboard box with "Okyllos's Pâtisserie. Authentic Altaian Confections" printed on it. He dropped the cake he was currently extracting from the box on the ground and looked to me with a horrified expression, jaw hanging open.
"Utsushikome! What are you doing in here?"
"My brain was yelling at me to get some cake and-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
It was like a cold shower. My mind was suddenly clear again, and it did not like what it was seeing. "Are those cak-did you buy those cakes from a store?" I had never seen Linos like this. He looked like a deer in headlights, and was visibly sweating.
"N-No, of course not. This was just - a box we had laying around." I didn't break eye contact. He broke eye contact.
"I was thinking of using them to transport the cakes to the dining room." He briefly established eye contact before breaking off again.
"But you were removing cakes from the box, Master Melanthos."
There was another box in the corner of the room, already folded flat. The dimensions of the boxes were 22x35x16 centimeters giving a total volume of 24.64 liters. The packing efficiency was close to 100% due to the prism shape of the cakes, and I could see that the boxes would be perfect for packing 2x2x3 cakes in them. That matched perfectly the number of cakes on the table, minus the two still in the last box.
"I-I changed my mind. I decided to put them on a prettier serving platter." That itching feeling in the back of my mind was back, and I went over to the oven on a hunch. I reached forward to touch it. "Be careful!" Linos warned. "It's-" I touched the oven. "Cold". I turned slowly to look at a man I had thought I knew.
"I-" Linos looked like a shadow of himself. Rivulets of sweat were running freely from his hairline. His skin hung unnaturally from his face. He had aged 200 years. Seconds passed as I watched his panicked eyes systematically look at every single object in the room except me.
"I always use the Power to cool the oven when I'm done baking to prevent fires?" It came out weakly, as a question. There was only one way of confirming that.
"I can't believe I'm wasting Eris on this"
- g
"...𒈣𒄀𒌈𒀭𒊍. (𒌍𒍣𒍥𒊒𒊬𒉌𒌫𒐼). 𒄭𒌋𒌋𒌋𒌋, 𒊹."
I was about to shake my head and deliver my verdict when-
Yeah, it's me again. Just wondering about those cakes.
"Not now!"
Linos looked confused. "What?"
You said there were 2x2x3 cakes per box. I nodded to myself.
That would make 24 cakes. I nodded again.
Minus the one that Linos FUCKING DROPPED ON THE GROUND THAT IDIOT- I flinched -there are 23 left.
Disregarding Balthazar and Samium who are not her; even if everyone including Sacnicte and Yantho get one each-
"-There are two left over" I finished the thought.
"What?" Linos repeated.
"Give me a cake!" I demanded.
He just looked at me like I had said something dumb. I stepped past him and picked up a cake. As I left the room something whirred in the back of my mind, but the cake I had already started eating took up all my attention. Linos said something, but I didn't pay attention.
𒊹
LONG AGO
"Wow! You really like cakes!" Ran was looking with disgust at my cake-bloated body.
"Yeah" I replied weakly.
𒊹
Abbey House Dining Hall | 10:05 PM | Second Day
"Why do you have crumbs around your mouth?" Ran asked. As always when she asked that question, I ignored her.
Not much had changed while I had been away. Ezekiel was talking to Zeno about an animated bridge drama about magical girls of all things. I zoned out when Ezekiel said it was the "only good thing to come out of Sao".
Sacnicte had, unfortunately, left right after me to run an errand to the headquarters. Yantho too I guess, but who cares.
Linos entered the dining hall. He was using the Power to keep two trays of cakes on small plates in the air. He had cleaned up remarkably since I last saw him.
"Can I get some help in setting the table?" he asked Sacnicte who had entered with him. She must have just gotten back.
"Let me help with that". Seth got up and took the other tray.
He and Sacnicte took one tray each and began putting down the plates.
Having already partially sated my appetite I decided I was going to truly savor the second piece. Ran looked at me a bit worried, but eventually turned her attention to her own portion.
"This cake is great!" exclaimed Zeno. The sauce stain had been joined by some wine in my absence. Murmurs of assent reverberated around the table. "You should be making this more often. What did you say it was?"
Linos visibly straightened his posture at the compliment and actually blushed. "It's an old family recipe. It's barley cakes. Traditionally made for a festival in springtime."
The sound of clattering silverware made me turn towards Theo. His face was turning green and it seemed like he was almost crying. Was he mouthing "Why dad?".
Bardiya who was sitting next to him leaned over and whispered something to him.
"So you say they are barley cakes," Fang spoke up, "despite the fact they are obviously rye."
Linos deflated again. "Y- Uh.. I should.. Excuse me for one second"
"Of course".
As Linos the Deceiver flees through the door, the scene suddenly freezes. The PLAYWRIGHT skateboards into the scene from stage left and does a sick kickflip. She jumps off the board kicking it into the audience.
She is wearing a cerulean suit with a lavender shirt and a pink tie. She pulls a cake from the inner pocket of the suit and starts eating it with her bare hands. It is the cake that had previously fallen to the ground.
The DIRECTOR follows her eating nothing but holding a plate with the last piece of cake. They make their way to stage center. The DIRECTOR looks at the PLAYWRIGHT eating
DIRECTOR: Exasperated Why are we wasting a scenario on this?
The PLAYWRIGHT finishes the cake and pulls out an entire glass carafe of water from her other inner pocket. She chugs it. The DIRECTOR waits patiently
PLAYWRIGHT: Exhaling contently What did you say?
DIRECTOR: More exasperated Why are we wasting a scenario on this?
PLAYWRIGHT: Shakes her head and holds out her hands, palms up, gesturing that nothing could be more obvious and that he should feel ashamed for even asking such a question Why, because of Ligma of course!
DIRECTOR: What's Ligma?
The PLAYWRIGHT is dumbstruck, but recovers after a few seconds.
PLAYWRIGHT: Elated, hands shooting into the air. The carafe goes flying. LICK MY BALLS!
The CHORUS enters from stage right and walks until she stands in front of the two other characters. She pulls out a slide whistle and blows a descending glissando
The CHORUS and the PLAYWRIGHT exit stage right and left respectively, leaving a confused DIRECTOR still holding the plate with a cake.
He walks up to the frozen Utsushikome and puts down the plate on top of her, already empty, plate. He then walks back to stage center.
DIRECTOR: Visibly confused I don't know what just happened, but please give us one more chance. I will clean this up posthaste.
The DIRECTOR exit stage left
I looked dumbfounded at the piece of cake that had just appeared in front of me. An ear-shattering explosion from outside breaks me out of my stupor. Everyone around the table, except Linos, jumps out of their seats.
"What was that!?" Ophelia shouted, managing to get the ordering of her punctuation wrong. I guess she isn't such a perfect person after all.
"Fuck", said Zeno and Ran in unison.
Then water and immense pressure of the collapsing bioenclosure crushed us all to death.