Extraordinary
Another day brings another educational decree. Or in which Umbridge takes a different approach from canon in an effort to stop Harry Potter from saying that Lord Voldemort aka You-Know-Who aka He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is back.
AN: One-shot inspired by "The Wonderful O" by James Thurber, italics are direct quotes from the book.
"What a strange statue to have in the Forbidden Forest," exclaims a student serving detention.
"A statue to a circle?" another confused student asks.
"It is a very strange monument," says the first. "A monument to a nought."
The old man supervising the punishment sighs. Then thinks and thinks, and then he says, "It has quite an extraordinary story, if you would like to hear it."
"Oh yes," cheered the second.
"I hope it's a good one," says the first.
"It's actually wonderful. Many years ago…."
It was a dreary stormy morning, clouds rode low along the horizon. Only a melancholy chorus of frogs broke the soundlessness outside.
As the students made their way to the Great Hall for breakfast they saw Mr Filch hanging another decree. The groans are quickly quieted when they notice the High Inquisitor herself watching the installation of her latest power move. A cat with a pink bow sat on her shoulder giving her the semblance of a nefarious seafaring pirate with a parrot. She gave a menacing grin and stalked into the Great Hall.
Hermione Granger got closer to the sign and her mouth opened in utter shock and horror. "I can't believe it."
"What is it?" asked Ron Weasley, not bothering to read the latest poster.
Hermione turned towards her friends. "She…she….she's banned a letter."
"Like writing letters?" Harry Potter asked, stepping forward to read.
"I wonder what a letter ever did to her." Ron pondered.
"Maybe she was wedged in a window and has hated it since." Harry said.
"That's preposterous." Hermione declared.
"Well, she was stuck you see. Without her wand. She tried pulling, pushing, and squeezing but nothing worked. She waited hours for help to arrive. And even then they gave her a mighty shove and out she went bouncing down the garden, crushing cats, begonias, and gnomes until she reached the gate. Ever since that day she has cursed the letter, hated it with all her might, as it was the shape of that horrible window."
"That makes even less sense," Hermione exclaimed.
"It's as good of an explanation as any she would give. She's barmy," Ron added without actually reading the sign.
"The only logical reason is because of Harry, with his declarations and endless detentions," offered Hermione.
"I suppose that is a better reason," agreed Harry.
"I still liked your story, Harry," Ron complimented like a true friend and finally decided to read the sign.
The letter O has been deemed transgressive and shall hence be impermissible in all verbal and written manners. Attempts made at preserving it will result in severe punishment.
The three friends then made their way inside the Great Hall.
Several minutes and many eggs later, Weasley Number Six cheered. "Wait, she just banned reading! I can get behind this!"
"Yes she did!" Granger shrieked. "This is bad! All my beautiful sheet bundles!"
"We still have classes," Harry made an attempt at calming her.
"Right, classes." Granger was less panicked.
"Unless the subjects are banned as well."
"We must act! And halt her insane crusade." Granger declared. "We shall persevere."
The first day was quite bizarre, as many after it. Starting with Umbridge's Squad being renamed the 'The Inquisitivity Squad' in an attempt at maintaining the decree. Further, Umbridge realized rather late that her first name and grand title were breaking the new rule but simply delayed the renaming.
The Squad spent the day inspecting everything used by the students. This resulted in items being renamed, swapped, and many, many things banned with little acumen.
Late at night, hidden in their secret place, the three friends met and talked regarding the day's findings and new rules.
No more coffee. Tea was exclusively the caffeinated blistering drink for the a.m. Sugar and milk permitted. They were British after all.
No mirrors or combs. Reflective metals and hair brushes replaced them.
The choir was disbanded due to their vocal chords of baritones, tenors, sopranos, sottos, and altos. Individually they were permitted to hum hymns, sing funeral marches and chant anthems. Well, as long as they were not called solos.
Quidditch was safe. Until they realized brooms, uniforms, and goalposts were not.
Worst of all, for Granger, was the fact that they were in a school. Full of knowledge and books.
Classes were endangered. Herbology, even if called 'Plant Study', no longer housed roses, phlox, oleanders, or moonflowers. They kept lilacs and devil snare though. There was also the problem with Potions with its hellebore, Astrology and the cosmos, and History with all the Goblin Wars.
The students were given a warning: The Infirmary, also renamed, could not treat anything with blood, tongues (the Weasley Twins products were heavily affected much to their dismay), broken bones or stubbed toes. The Infirmary Warden, renamed for refusing to change her surname, was permitted to treat headaches, allergies, bruised knees, and stiff backs.
"We no longer have Gryffindor, or our Tower. For you need an O for both."
"We can have a hut instead. Hagrid is very happy in his."
"But without doors, or floors, or windows."
"And no spoons, or forks, or chopsticks." Weasley Number Six was not happy.
"Beds without pillows or wood for the fire."
"She will take our chocolates and acid pops," Weasley Number Six was extremely unhappy.
"We still have quills, ink and parchment." Granger tried to see the light.
"But no homework, scrolls, books, or tomes." Weasley Number Six drove in the utensil he still had, a knife.
"No gargoyles, ghosts or corners to round."
"No owls hooting or frogs croaking."
"No pork, bacon, or potatoes." Weasley Number Six was unimpressed and hungry.
"You can have beef, sausages, and chips."
"We have yesterdays."
"But not today or tomorrow."
"At least there are no more Mondays."
"Or cauldrons to scrub in detention."
"But no lumos or nox, or expecto patronum."
"No hello or goodbye."
"There is still hi and farewell."
"Not all the good is gone."
"Though it feels that way."
"We have happiness and glee, laughter and smiles."
"How?"
"Don't you see? Lord Voldemort is now Mr VD Treadmill, which makes me chuckle."
"I suppose there is that."
"What if she takes things we can't see? Our thoughts? Our ambition?"
"We can still wish.
"Yes, and can still dream."
The next day in secret they went to Headmaster Albus and asked for help. And he gave them the most Dumbledore of responses.
"We cannot live or speak without hope, and hope without O is nothing, and even nothing is less than nothing when it is nthing. Hope contains the longest O of all. We mustn't lose it."
And when a week later grapefruit was banned simply because of its French name, pamplemousse, they went to him again.
He said, full of wisdom, "There are four words with O. You mustn't lose them. Find out what they are and learn to use them."
Granger, Harry and Weasley Number Six went back to the Requirement Area and named all the things they could to find the four that Dumbledore alluded to.
They agreed on hope, love, and valor but they could not find the last.
They thought and thought and made suggestions.
Imagination. Dedication. Honor.
Vision. Youth. Joy. Victory. Comfort.
Money. Fortune. Fortitude.
Soul. Compassion.
None were the one.
They could not find the correct word.
The year passed by.
They learned that separating the F in life leaves a lie, and that's what they were living.
They drew blanks at terms that in the past filled their heads and hearts. Their greetings were mumbled and their smiles fell. The friends quietly despaired.
It was the last straw.
A yearning, deeply subdued yearning clawed its way up.
A plan was hatched, filled with all the things they missed and wanted back.
"What did yu say t Prfessr Umbridge that made her leave the schl?" demanded Drac Malfy.
"No more of that, she's gone," shouted Ron, glad to no longer be Weasley Number Six.
"What are…"
"She's gone," repeated Harry, glad to drop the Pttr.
"No more shoes being shes."
"Or both being bth but that was also for a booth, which was nonsense."
"No more woe is we!"
"We told Umbridge about Dumbledore's Secret Weapon." Hermione finally offered an explanation.
The students and teacher gathered in the Great Hall shivered at all the Os.
"What?" Draco Malfoy demanded once again.
"The weapon is in the Forbidden Forest," said Harry.
"Well, what is it?" Draco clamored for an answer.
"Bows, arrows and hoofs," said Hermione, smiling widely.
"What did she do when she found them?" asked Professor McGonagall bravely brandishing several Os.
"She shouted," replied Harry.
"She howled," said Ron louder.
"And we found our freedom," declared Hermione.
The entire school broke out in confused celebration at the announcement of their liberation.
The End