authorsnote: I'm back with a lil darklina oneshot!
I love this song, and stranger things inspired this kind of play on the song and alina's situation here, so do enjoy! also, I was heavily inspired by this video:
DEAL WITH GOD | grishaverse by heartphantom
do leave a review if you can, and let me know if you'd like to see more lil snippets like this!
songrecs: running up that hill - kate bush
'It doesn't hurt me'
It does hurt, it hurts every second of the damn day.
Not using her powers.
She'd been sickly as a child, always tired and easy to catch a cold, and that had been before she had known she was Grisha, but now? Now she knows and has used her powers? Suppressing them feels wrong, makes her feel worse than she has ever felt before, it is near unbearable.
She barely sleeps, her hands always shake, she can't hold down work for she feels dizzy and exhausted all the time. She craves the sun, is desperate to bring it to her but knows she can't, no matter how much she wishes she could.
Alina wants more than nothing else to bring the sun to her, to foster it close to her chest and feel its light, bask in its brilliance, she wants that more than anything.
Even more than remaining safe.
She doesn't care, doesn't care if Aleks… the Darkling finds her, she doesn't care, as long as she knows she'll feel the sun again, she'll allow him to carry her off, better that than feel like this forever.
"It won't be forever" Mal promises as he goes off to work to pay the rent on the hovel they sleep in, as she shakes and shudders among the dirt, is he right? She doesn't think so.
She'd said it to Aleks… the Darkling once.
'Is this my life now? Hunted wherever I go?'
She knows that is true, she knows she can't risk using her powers if her and Mal are to stay hidden here in Novyi Zem, if they are to remain together, hidden away.
But what if it kills her first? Not using them, not summoning the sun?
It feels like it might.
'Do you want to feel how it feels?'
Mal doesn't understand, she doesn't blame him, but he just doesn't, how could he?
He doesn't understand how she craves the sun now, craves to bring it to her, to feel the light and warmth, doesn't understand that not using it makes her feel like she is dying.
She can barely eat, barely sleep, and when she does sleep, she dreams.
Alina dreams of him.
It is wrong she knows, but she can't control her mind (and if she could she isn't sure she'd change it), and the dreams are the only respite she has from waking, from the never-ending pain. It is the only thing she looks forward to.
And she sees him, every single time he is there.
And he isn't the Darkling, mad with rage that she had ran from him, heartbroken that she hadn't listened to his explanation, power hungry and controlling, he is none of those things.
He is Aleksander.
They are riding together on horseback, she is laughing as he twirls her around the ballroom, his lips are brushing hers as he hoists her up onto the desk, he is grinning as she makes him laugh with a barely funny comment that he finds mirth in.
They had only spent a few weeks together, and she should focus on his betrayal, his lies, but she can't, she can only focus on how much she wishes the good times they had together had continued, how happy she had been.
She loves Mal she does, but she had never been so happy as when she and Aleks had been together and when they had been summoning.
It had felt like the very blood in her veins had been on fire, racing through her alight, banishing any ill feeling or sad notion, only leaving happiness, joy, and exhilaration. When Aleks would plunge the room into darkness and she would bring the sun, he'd grin at her, she'd smile as the lights danced around the room … she'd feel alive.
Now she feels like she is dying.
Part of her knows she cannot go back, but then doubt begins to entire her mind.
She hadn't listened to his side, only his mothers, she hadn't let him explain, shouldn't she have? She also acknowledges everything he had done, to her and the country had been for the Grisha, had been to protect his … their people.
That doubt just makes things worse.
One day Mal comes home and finds her curled up under the bed, she isn't sure why, but it is easier there, filthy as it is, the bed itself makes her bones hurt. Finds her curled up, hands screwed so hard into fists her nails cut into her own flesh, curled up so tightly so she won't cast, as she desperately wants to.
"What do I do Alina?" He asks, pleading almost, but she can barely hear him.
There is nothing to be done.
'Do you want to know, know that it doesn't hurt me?'
A week more passes, and Alina is sure she'll die any day now, that is what it feels like. Mal thrives in a new place, working, eating new foods, making new friends, and though he tries to take care of her there is nothing he can do.
Nothing anyone can do.
Until he comes.
'Do you want to hear about the deal I'm making?'
Mal had dragged her out to pick up dinner at the market, insisting some fresh air would be good for her. Of course, they hadn't made it, she'd near collapsed ten steps outside the door, and they'd given up halfway there and turned back. Alina feels freezing, shivering, and shaking as they reach their hovel once more, she just wants to lie on the floor and rest.
And as Mal fumbled with the key, Alina looked down at the street below, the carts and carriages hurrying by. Across the street, a man stood beneath the balcony, peering up at the boarding house where their room resided. He pulled at his collar and sleeves, as if his clothes were new and didn't quite fit right. His eyes met hers through the window, then darted away quickly.
A pang of fear sliced through her, but it wasn't strong enough, outpaced by something else, something overwhelming, and as Mal opened the door, she knew she should warn him, should yell.
She didn't, as that feeling? The overwhelming feeling that outstripped any fear?
It was relief.
Relief as the door flew open, she raised her hands, ready to summon the sun, not even caring how she'd use it, just joy that she could, but rough hands seized her before she could, a whimper leaving her lips, and all she could think was, 'Let me use it one last time, one last time before I die'.
She felt like she was going to die, any second now, 'let me go out in a blaze of sun' is all she can think, not 'save me', not 'help me', just 'let me feel the warmth one more time before I go'.
But no, she was dragged inside the room, and she didn't even have the energy to thrash, or kick, or scream, only moan in pain as she was manhandled forward.
"Hmm, seems I won't even have to threaten you or your friend to make you behave" A voice cut through the din, through the chaos, through Mal screaming for her, through the only thudding in her head.
His.
Time seemed to slow.
There was this room, shabby and filthy, the cracked washbasin sitting on the battered table, dust motes swirling in a slender beam of sunlight she almost wanted to reach for, the bright edge of a blade pressed to Mal's throat. The man holding him wore a familiar sneer, Ivan. There were others, men, and women, all wore fitted coats and breeches of Zemini merchants and labourers, but she recognised their faces from her time with the Second Army. They were Grisha.
Which meant only one thing, and behind them, shrouded in shadow, lounging in a rickety chair as it if were a throne was the Darkling.
Was Aleksander.
'You. It's you and me'
Upon seeing him her face crumpled, pushing out the few tears she had left, he didn't need to threaten her, he didn't need to do anything, and he knew it, his arrogant smirk in place that he had her, had her right where he wanted her.
And yet, maybe he didn't realise it, didn't realise that she wasn't where he wanted her because of the man holding her arms, or Mal with a knife to his throat, no, no.
Instead, it was the relief, the relief she'd initially felt at the opportunity to use her powers, near doubling as she saw him, swirls of smoke dancing from his hands, here, with her.
She barely even noticed as someone took away her weapons, a pistol at her hip, a knife at her belt, barely even paid attention as he spoke again,
"I'm going to let you go, with the knowledge that if you so much as raise your hands, Ivan will end the tracker. Show me that you understand" He said, slow and deliberately, perhaps he could see how ill she was, she nodded furiously, several times, her neck aching, anything to be released.
To be able to go to him.
And then, without provocation, without any kind of pushing or even a nudge, she ran forward.
She didn't raise her hands, and no one was quick enough to stop her, she was slow, tired, but she put everything, every last ounce of energy into running to him, closer and closer, he didn't try to stop her, only stood to his feet, she was thankful, didn't even note his initial confusion, she was only thankful no one stopped her.
Thankful that he didn't move, nor anyone tried to halt her, as she landed in his arms, his arms he'd raised for her, with a thud, and wept in relief.
'And if I could, I'd make a deal with God, and I'd get him to swap our places'
Alina grabbed at him, uncaring who was watching, drowning out Mal's yells. She just grabbed, her hands clawing into his kefta as though to hold him close, to stop him stepping away, she needn't have bothered.
"Shh, shh" He offered, confusion smothered into a quick understanding, and once again he was Aleksander, holding her close, his arms wrapping around her, tucking her under his chin and into his chest. She went willingly, happily, and for the first time in months the pain dulled. "There we go Alina"
"I shouldn't have ran" She babbled to explain, anything that would keep her here, where the pain drained from her, had her near swaying on her feet with relief. "I shouldn't have … I…I"
It was just the sun she needed, it was him, her other half, the other side of the coin, the moon to her sun, the dark to her light.
She understood that now, how could she have not realised it?
"I know shh" He said, comfort completely, no harshness, no scolding, just holding her, stroking her hair down her back, his touch sending a hum of delight through her, something she wasn't sure she'd ever feel again, "You don't look well Alina, I can see that, you don't belong here"
"I know" She said with a nod, because she did know, as she clung to him, almost like a child. Her mind and body had sought him out, as a relief to the agony she'd endured, and could not, would not, endure anymore.
She had no idea what came next but didn't care, didn't care at all, as long as no one ripped her from his arms, as long as no one took away this relief, took away him; Aleksander.
"You belong with me" He insisted, and she nodded so quickly it almost hurt her neck, and his laugh at that, a kind chuckle had tears trickling down her cheeks. She never should have run from him.
"Take me home" It was almost like begging, she felt pathetic for it, but anything to stop the pain, to stop the feeling of dying, to be back with him, the only other person who could make her feel whole.
Him guiding her on his arm through the corridors of the Little Palace, reading together in his War Room, her tucked up on his sofa as he planned. His smell, of fresh herbs, of something cool and sweet, inhaled as she held onto him, soothing everything within her.
It was like she was dreaming again for a second, but it was no dream, it was something she could have back, and if she had any tears left they would have flowed freely.
'Be running up that hill, be running up that road, with no problems'
"First, summon the sun" He asked of her, knowing she needed it, even stepping back just a hint to give her the space, knowing she wouldn't run now, clapping his own hands together to plunge the room into darkness, his Grisha satisfied around him, the Sun Summoner would be coming home, where she belonged.
And she did belong there, as with a breath of relief she clapped her own hands together, and illuminated the room, illuminated her own soul in doing so, what she was born to do.
The sun trickled from her fingers, bright and pure, and she grinned, smiled for the first time since she'd left him, this was what she was meant to do, this was the expression of her soul, her life, this was Alina Starkov.
"You should never supress your powers again, they are what you were born to do" He said, almost chiding and she nodded, looked up at him, he had faint scars of his face now, almost impossible to catch but she reached up to them, he wasn't blinded by her light as others were, no he needed her just as she did him.
"You look tired" She said idly, already feeling better, able to speak without stabbing pains throughout her body, and if anyone, she wanted to speak to him.
"A small price to pay" He said with a shrug, and one of his hands found her waist, held her steady for she was swaying, months of no sleep catching up with her, she leaned into him, sleep would come easy soon she realised.
"For what?" She asked, her sun still burning bright, every second it did she felt better, felt more alive, she was never giving this up again, never.
"For getting you back" He said, and he smiled, and so did she. "This sham doesn't suit you, pretending you are less than you are"
"I know" She said, and he nodded, bringing his other hand to cup her cheek, and again she leaned into him, feeling the very life in her veins reignite at his touch. "I can't do it again"
"You won't have to" He said, and then with a nod she let the sun die, his shadows retreated and they were back in the boarding house, surrounded by Grisha, and Mal who looked heartbroken and had fallen silent. "I'm taking you home"
She nodded to that, as his arm wrapped around her shoulder, she felt a pang of guilt as he walked her out the door, as she saw Mal and his expression, but it was easy to ignore as Genya offered her a smile and a warm kefta she slipped on without hesitation, as Feydor grinned, as even Ivan gave her a nod, easy to ignore when she knew she was going home, back to where she belonged.
With who she belonged with.
Easier with Aleksander at her side, his arm around her holding her steady, and as she leaned into him and he held her close, she knew this was where she should be, and would never leave it again.
'Say if I only could, be running up that hill, with no problems'
sooo thoughts?
I loved this lil rewrite - alina cannot live without aleksander and vice versa! sure, in the books they have less of a connection but c'mon, they were basically fated for one another!
anywho, hope you enjoyed!
speak soon