Dear Myouren,
You're never going to read this, and that's what hurts the most. You're never going to read this letter, we're never going to mend whatever bond between us was torn, you're never going to grow older than twenty-two and have a life. In a place like Gensokyo, even simple impossibilities can come true, but you coming back just wasn't one among them.
Ha. Even though my heart really does hurt for everyone here who stops by the Myouren temple — I named it after you, because I wanted something to remember you by — maybe beneath the robes of black-and-white I'm still a self-centered little girl who just wants her brother back. Because even with everyone else, she still feels empty.
I'm sorry.
You remember how I'd told our parents that I would always take care of you and protect you no matter what, right? We grew up poor then, with not much else in the village other than the children who'd play with us and the bare necessitities. When Mother and Father were alive that promise seemed easy to keep. You were my little brother and I loved you. I would always walk you to and from home, keep an eye on you when you ran off to play with your friends.
Then our parents died and we were taken in by the temple.
That's what I'm sorry for: Being a hypocrite. Because you knew afterwards how much I resented you, how for the longest time I thought you held me back. I wanted to help others, and I didn't want my younger brother to cling to me. I did love you, I really did, but I hate who I was back then. I was about to write "the person I was", but I discarded that. That was me. I'd snap at you with barely concealed resentment and make you cry from time to time. That wasn't someone else. I can't isolate that.
I did love you, though. Because of our promise. And I did try to keep that promise. Do you recall the time I'd gotten injured in a fight? You patched up my wounds and told me that you didn't care that I was trying to protect you, you were just glad that I was okay. I remember that. I wanted to keep you safe. I don't think I did a good job of it — I don't think there ever really was a point when I was any good of it — but I tried. Not that it mattered.
In the end you were taken away. I stayed at your bedside when you fell ill. The sound of your ragged, pained breathing is especially crisp and clear in the dreams I have. My worst nightmares aren't my teeth rotting in my mouth or of creatures that lurk in the night, they are nightmares about you and I. I was filled with terror those notes, begging for you to get better. I never got sick, I couldn't protect you from what killed you. I remember falling asleep to your breathing, I think you were trying to say that you loved me. I know that for a fact, we cared about each other our entire life.
I just wish that I'd stayed awake long enough to hear it one last time.
I'm trying to change. I love the youkai who flock to the Myouren Temple, I do what I can to keep them safe because each and every one of them deserves safety. I am alive, and I am glad to be alive. I am happy with where I am and what I am doing, even if it is not perfect. I just wish that you were somehow here to see it, too.
I'm sorry for all that I couldn't and didn't do for you. I could have been a better sister. The most I can do now is hope that whatever your new life may be like that you are happy. Even if it's because you've finally gotten away from me.
I love you.
— Byakuren
a/n: thinking about byakuren's relationship with her brother makes me incredibly sad ;-;
while i think touhou doesn't really have a particularly set-in-stone 'good' versus 'evil' theme (though i firmly believe that shikieiki is the closest we get to a lawful good character), i think that byakuren is definitely one of the characters who occupies the lighter end of the gray morality spectrum. she's definitely an imperfect person - initially, her reasons for being friendly to youkai weren't selfless - and she does still make mistakes, but i think it's important to note that she does seem to be at least putting in genuine effort to be a kinder person, even if she does make imperfect decisions from time-to-time - she's not my absolute favorite touhou character (yuyuko takes that spot) but she's definitely a character i really like.
i think that had it been anyone else who WASN'T myouren, byakuren wouldn't have made the decisions she did after he died. this is why i believe that while their relationship was very flawed and there was an underlying sense of byakuren often feeling like her younger brother was holding her back, she did still genuinely care about him and his dying left her absolutely crushed and affected in a way that might not have been the case with someone else - i don't think she would have reacted the way she did if it had just been a case of her witnessing someone die firsthand.
...okay, this is turning VERY long and rambly, and i have things to get around to doing. hopefully you all enjoyed this little work.