Are you happy?
Are you happy? What a great question. I honestly have no clue whether I'm happy or not. I wish I could just simply answer, "Yeah I'm happy," but that's just not the case. Some days I think I feel happy. I talk and laugh with my friends, I contribute in class and class discussions and I overall generally feel happy. Other days I feel like I'm stuck in this endless void of self doubt, anger and sadness. I think the anger stems from the fact that I feel like I'm not allowed to feel this way, like I have no right. I know I have a pretty good life filled with opportunities, but sometimes I just can't help the feeling that it would be better if I didn't exist or didn't wake up in the morning.
Some days it just feels like the whole world is crumbling around me and I can do nothing but watch and try hold the pieces together. On the good days I do my homework, practice my instruments and try and socialise with others. On the bad days I procrastinate doing music practice, stress about school and homework, break down crying over the smallest things and all I want to do is hide from the world all day in my room.
Are you happy? I honestly cannot give you an answer. I'm not exactly happy, but I don't feel like I deserve the right to say that I'm sad and not okay. I know I'm not okay but I have no idea what to do or who I can talk to about it.
Are you happy? Hopefully I can someday get to the stage where I can answer this question with a genuine yes.