So here is another one if my own personal emotional support fanfic's. Yes I am aware that there are a million other fic's I should be writing instead.

So usual disclaimer. And usual reminder that English is not my first language, it's late and I frankly don't care about comma's. Any other gramma mistakes I apologizefor but not the comma's, never the comma's.

Kinda AU but set when Vic Lopez joins the team.

And yes I am still stuck in season three :(

Enjoy ;)

Clay couldn't sleep. He'd tossed and turned for hours desperately trying to find a comfy position that would allow him sleep but so far he'd been unsuccessful.

For once it wasn't nightmares or haunting images keeping him up. Nor was it thoughts about Stella, the future they could have had together. It wasn't memories of Brian, Adam, his mother, his grandparents, all those he'd lost, failed, that kept him awake either.

No it was the new Bravo 7.

Tomorrow morning Vic Lopez would start as a member of Bravo. Clay was not ready for that.

A new member would change the dynamics of any team and in this case it would be a team already on shaky ground.

So yeah Clay wasn't thrilled.

Had it been David Yoder, a guy Clay already knew, he might have been able to handle it. Would at least have been able to somewhat predict the changes he would bring.

He couldn't do that with Vic. All he knew was that Lopez made him uneasy.

The uneasiness he could live with, sure he didn't feel safe imagining it would be that guy having his back but he'd been there before. He'd watched his own back before plenty of times, feeling unable to trust a team.

But it hadn't been that way with Bravo. Bravo was different. Bravo wasn't just a team, they were his team.

Sure he'd been fine operating with a guy he didn't trust, he could survive that, was good enough to survive on his own. No, his problem was that it was his team out there and if he didn't trust Vic to watch his own back, how would he ever be able to let him watch his brothers'.

This was Clay's family and Vic wasn't trustworthy enough to be let near it.

Clay couldn't exactly pin point where, his problems with Vic lay.

He knew some of it was the guys attitude, not that he could tell anybody that. Somehow nobody saw the difference between Clay's cocky, arrogant yet charming attitude and Vic Lopez's straight up unpleasant arrogance.

Vic was a wolf in sheep's clothing and a danger to Clay's family, yet nobody seemed to understand that. Everyone seemed to think Clay's problem lay in that he no longer would be the pub of the team.

And maybe a small amount of it did. Well not in being the baby but in the team dynamics changing.

Clay didn't like change, there had been far to many unexpected changes in his life.

He'd found a family and a hopefully naive part of him had hoped that family would never change. He'd been foolish to believe that, he knew that know.

Life was in constant motion, the kind of life he'd chosen even more so.

To except everything to stay the same absurd, thoughtless, stupid.

People died.

They transferred.

They retired.

They got injured.

They disappeared.

They left him.

Nobody stayed.

It was not the will of the universe for him to have a loving family

He'd been arrogant beyond the usual to think he could have one, to think somebody would love him.

Tears welled to Clay's eyes, made his vision blurry. He'd allowed himself to go soft. Had let himself get attached. Had let the members of Bravo tear down his walls.

He should never have let them in. Should have kept them at a distance. He'd been weak. The promise of warmth, of love, of a family had lured him in, he'd allowed himself to dwell in it. He'd allowed himself to feel safe.

Now Clay feared he wouldn't be able to go back to how it used to be.

He wasn't sure he would be able to live with keeping his brothers on a distance. Wasn't sure he could build back up those walls. Live with all those emotions bottled up inside.

His goal in life had been achieved, he was a tier one operator. His secret dream, the one he'd chastised himself for having, had come true, too. He had had a family, if only for one and a half year and sure it had been made up of broken parts and lost souls but it gad been a family nonetheless and for a little while it had been his family.

Now his dream had brast. He was back in the cold. With nothing left.

Clay felt like a scared little child. Like the scared little child he'd been once upon a time.

Was alone.

Alone.

Alone.

Alone.

Alone once again.

Just like it used to be.

Like it had always been.

Like it was meant to be.

He didn't deserve anything else but this.

The tears in his eyes began to make way down his cheeks. Nobody to wipe his tears. Empty bed. He was alone in the dark, just like he always had been.

Tomorrow, today whatever, Vic would start on Bravo and there would no longer be enough space for Clay. Everyone would be too caught up in the new guy to have any time to spare for Clay.

There simply wasn't enough room for both Vic and. Clay.

The universe was mocking him.

For one and a half year he had had a family, a home, love, warmth. He had had people to turn to, to ask for help. After tomorrow he would no longer have any of that. He was sure of it.

He was never meant to be loved.

His purpose was to save people, to help, protect and serve. Every person he did not save, did not protect, did not help, their suffering was on him and him alone and he deserved every ounce of punishment the universe send his way.

To think that he could have a family, that nothing would change, had been foolish.

He was naive, foolish, stupid, arrogant, idiotic, disgusting, selfish.

Oh he was beyond selfish.

He was selfish for wanting Bravo to stay his family, his team.

Vic Lopez was broken too. Clay didn't know why or how, he just knew it. Almost everyone in DEVGRU were, Clay was convinced that was why they chose to be a SEAL and those who hadn't enlisted broken ended up being it before they got out. That was just the way it were.

Bravo, Bravo had a thing for broken people, seemed to somehow be collecting them. Clay didn't know it was Jason's doing or if it went beyond him, if it was a former team leader's legacy. It didn't matter in the end. All that mattered was that Bravo team gathered broken people, lost souls, misfits, gave them a home, a safe haven, glued them back together again. Bravo team fixed people, it was their way of fixing themselves. And no matter how much Clay despised Vic, he could not deny the guy needed that too. Deserved that.

To want Bravo for himself was selfish.

But still Clay didn't like Vic. He probably never would.

Maybe the best thing for everyone was for him to transfer to another team. Vic could have Bravo.

Transferring meant a fresh start. This time he would have to keep his new team at a distance. Keep up his walls. No emotions. No dependence. No friends. Nothing. Just him doing his job, going home, doing his job and repeat. This time he would keep it clean and simple, just like he used to do before Bravo ruined him.

This time he would be the one leaving. There would be no standing frozen in the middle of it all, watching the backs of his loved ones fade in the distance. This time he would leave them.

But he didn't want to leave. He wanted to stay. This was his family now. He couldn't leave them, could he?

His phone buzzed. Broke up his thoughts.

It was a text. From Jason.

Hey Kid. Know it's early but we need to talk. Pick you up for early breakfast in twenty.

Clay looked at the clock. It was just past three in the morning.

But it's too early for breakfast.

Yes, Clay was aware it was a pretty dumb response, thank you very much. To his defense he was beyond tried. Why would Jason even wanna meet this late/early/whatever?

I am aware Spenser.

Great now he'd annoyed the Boss.

Why?

Yep, he just couldn't stop with the stupid questions, could he?

We need to talk about Vic. A new guy isn't the end of the world, just so you know it. Besides it's not like you're able to sleep anyway. Fifteen. If you aren't ready by the time I'm there you're spending the day on the O-Course. See ya.

Clay flopped back, landing on his pillows. How did Jason do this? How did he always know?

Another buzz, another text.

Ten ;)

Seemed like he was staying on Bravo, for awhile longer. Not that he minded.

So yeah I'm starting school again tomorrow. We're a special planned education (yeah I am not explaining that tonight) anyway, small group of students, like in only five. Tomorrow however four new students start. So if this story didn't give it away, let me just say I am less than thrilled. I don't mind new comers, I just don't like more then one at a time. One new and they get integrated in our group, four new and we have to make a completely new group, our entire dynamic is gonna change drastically.

Doesn't help that I've already meet one of them and didn't particularly like him.

He kinda sends off Vic Lopez vibes, while I personally is more in the Clay Spenser department (if any of that made sense) so we're definitely gonna be in for an interesting two years.

And yes last year is the only year of my life that can be described as somewhat good and now there's gonna be some changes.

I allowed myself to be naive enough to think that everything was clearing up and becoming better, instead of viewing one good year as an anomaly, as I should have done.

So yeah I'm not exactly thrilled for tomorrow but hey when my alarm rings I'm gonna get up, get ready and put on my biggest smile (and trust me I'm an expert in faking smiles by now.) and I'm gonna make sure all four of them feels welcome and part of the group, just like everyone deserves.

Anyway I'm going to need sleep and youprobably are too.

Thank you for playing my psychologist and goodnight ;)

Love you.