***please see my note at the end of the last chapter before reading this one, if you haven't already***

Edward:

I would have given anything to be able to sleep again. I closed my well worn copy of Peter and Wendy, a book my mother read to me often as a child, and threw my head back against the arm of my leather couch in frustration. The memories of my human life were murky and hard to dredge up but the few that I had been able to restore were of us laying in tall grass while she read from brittle pages. I turned to it whenever I needed comfort, to be reminded that I was once not a monster but just a human boy with a mother who loved him.

I had never related more to the human I once was in all my years as a vampire than I did in that moment. I had witnessed it over and over in the minds of highschoolers, the novelty of a first crush. I could see their anticipation, nervousness, excitement, joy, fear. The way their thoughts jumbled, their palms moistened, and their stomachs tightened whenever the object of their affection was near. I had read a plethora of romance novels, hell I lived with three of the most well matched couples in history and could read their every thought about one another! But somehow none of that had prepared me for Leah Clearwater.

How different it had been to only view romance and attraction objectively. Now that I had been afflicted with them firsthand she was all I could think about. Where was she now? Was she safe? Was she thinking of me? What did she think of when I did cross her mind? A friend? A freak? We had spent hours engrossed in conversation the night before and while it had been thrilling, it was also frustrating to not be able to read her facial expressions. I did my best to imagine them. I waited until a reasonable hour this morning to send her a message telling her Happy Birthday but so far she hadn't responded. The million possible reasons for her silence were driving me insane but I knew enough about human social constructs to know that I couldn't write to her again until she responded. Alice had warned me several times that I needed to stay casual so as to not push her away with my intensified vampire emotions.

I threw the book across the room with more force than I intended and it shattered the tempered glass window into a thousand small square pieces, trickling noisily down to the soggy patch of earth below. Esme's disapproving thoughts raised shrilly through the floorboards but she didn't come to see the damage first hand. Everyone was avoiding me, fully aware of my sullen attitude and what was causing it. Alice was the only one who thought kindly about the incredibly inconvenient subject of my misplaced longing. Even Esme, who was most overjoyed to find out that I wasn't a hopeless eunuch after all, had quickly grown weary when she discovered Leah was a member of the Quileute tribe. Their outright disdain for us was well founded and it was no secret that they would likely summon their wolf protectors and go to war with my family at the first hint of provocation. We had seen one just a few weeks ago in the neutral ground dictated by our ancient treaty and who knows how many more they might have. It was safe to assume that they would mistake my intentions for Leah to be something sinister and there would be nothing I, or even Carlise, could do to convince them otherwise.

It infuriated me to no end that I had to invent an excuse when she asked me to her party today instead of enthusiastically accepting like I had wanted to. I could have already been there with her, sharing in her happiness, meeting her friends and family. Establishing a place in her world where I could belong, as long as she wanted me there. But in reality my presence would have had the opposite effect, only serving to highlight how much I did not belong in her world. A fact so absolute it was written in ink long before even her grandfather had been born.

I heaved a sigh, and pulled my phone from my pocket to stare at the notification-less screen once more. I snapped it shut dejectedly and raised it over my head, poised to unite it with my now damp copy of Peter and Wendy.

Vibrations buzzed through my fingers, freezing them in place at the last possible second. No one else had ever texted this number before so I knew it had to be her. Sure enough;

Leah: You still busy?

I didn't know how to answer that. If she wanted me to come to the reservation I still couldn't. But the chance to somehow still get to see her today was too tempting and I responded;

No, we just got back. Are you still busy?

I had to remind myself to loosen my grip on the fragile plastic phone or I would surely pulverize it and then never know her reply. When the phone finally buzzed it took more self control then it should have not to open it too quickly and send the top half of it flying.

Want to go feed some ducks?