Angel feathers
Summary: What happened with Jess still causes me deep sadness. A ONE-SHOT of how I would have preferred things to go. SPOILER ALERT for FBI Most Wanted 3x14 "Shattered".
Author's note: I want to dedicate this story to misswritingobsessed, who inspired me to write it, as we were discussing how much we missed Jess, and how we wished it all had happened differently.
{They were scouring the back parking lot of the hospital, trying to find Lucy and her unhinged ex-boyfriend Harley, before he hurt her. It had been a case just like so many others. An assailant on the run, victims, people in danger.
Sheryll saw Jess, not far from her, find the girl between two cars, help her up. Suddenly, Harley appeared, striding toward them. He carried a gun in his hand.
It all happened in just a handful of tenths of a second.
Harley raised his revolver. Out of pure reflex, Jess put her body between Lucy and her attacker. "Harley, no!" he exclaimed, raising his hand in an attempt to stop him.
A shot rang out. Sheryll did not hesitate to shoot, nor did Ivan. And Harley fell down.
Only then did they realize with horror that Jess had been shot in the neck, and was lying on the ground, bleeding to death.}
·~·~·
If Jess could have chosen one word to describe how he felt, it would have been "lost." He was floating weightless, adrift in an endless pearly fog. A vast, empty nothingness. His scattered thoughts did not seem more populated. He didn't know what he was doing there, or how he got there, or even if he cared.
He could not say how long he stayed there -because there time simply did not exist- but there was a moment when he felt a comforting light approaching.
And without transition, he felt Angelyne's longed-for presence right there with him, warm, luminous and blinding. Jess let his consciousness bask in that ineffable sensation.
~You shouldn't be here...~
They were not words, not as he knew them. They were ideas, raw, absolute, unfathomable.
~YOU... have to RETURN.~
Jess recoiled, overwhelmed by the enormity of the concept.
That 'you' did not refer to Agent LaCroix, SSA of the FBI Fugitive Unit, nor to Jess, Tali's caring father and Sarah's loving husband. It wasn't even about him as an adult human male. No, it was about his self-aware entity that was capable of experiencing. His being.
The other concept, 'return', was so ungraspable that he wanted to scream out of sheer confusion. But he couldn't scream. He had no breath. No throat. Neither body. The despair he felt was of overwhelming enormity.
A glimmer of understanding, but not his own, hit him like a gust of wind.
A blink.
Jess found himself on the sand, completely naked. He was young and absolutely happy. He recognized the situation.
During their honeymoon on a small, lost island in Santo Domingo, one evening after dinner, he and Angelyne had taken a long walk along the beach, holding hands and admiring the reflections of the moon in the sea waves. When they were so far away that they were completely alone, they gave free rein to the affection and ardor they felt for each other. They made love, right there on the shore.
The two of them woke up embracing on the sandy beach and watched the sunrise together.
It was one of the happiest memories of his life.
Jess sighed. He still shuddered at the memory of the passion he had received and given that night. He could smell the sea, sense the sand beneath him on his skin, Angelyne's body nestled in his arms.
"I love you, Jess," said Angelyne's beloved voice.
How he had missed hearing it.
Angelyne covered them both with her huge, feathered, shimmering wing. But... Angelyne didn't have... wings... did she? At that moment, he couldn't be sure.
"I love you too, my love," he replied, kissing her sweetly on the forehead and caressing her arm that rested on his chest.
"But you have to go back…" added Angelyne gently.
"No. I want to stay," Jess replied simply, smiling. "Now we're going to make love again. I can remember."
She let out a giggle. "Yes, you're right... But you can't stay here to live, Jess. It's a memory. You have to go back. You have to go back and make other memories. Many more.
Jess felt disgruntled. "Memories as good as this one?" he asked suspiciously.
"Or not. Or bad. Or better. But all wonderful, because they will be new and unique and will join this one and all the others. You have to come back."
Frustration got the better of Jess. "But go back where?"
In an instant, they were no longer on that beach in Santo Domingo. They were at the bottom of a ravine. One in particular.
Where Jess grew up, there was this place where kids would go to play even though their parents forbade them; an area of trees and brush full of unconditioned trails and next to a ravine. All the kids would go there to climb trees and challenge themselves and each other to do things that would make their parents' hair stand on end, like riding their bikes over the edge of the ravine without falling off.
That spring day, when he was eleven years old, Jess played hooky -the morning was too beautiful to spend within four walls- and rode his bike around the edge of the ravine, over and over again. It was fun and exciting. It was because it was dangerous.
And of course, Jess pushed his luck so hard, he fell. Fortunately, he was not killed or seriously injured, but he ended up at the bottom of the ravine, bruised and terrified. And of course, alone.
Climbing up that steep slope all by himself, full of scrapes, with one bleeding leg, pulling his wrecked bike, and with the prospect of a scolding and punishment awaiting him at home, was the hardest experience Jess had ever had in his short life.
Right now, he was at the bottom of that ravine. His body ached just as it did then; he was overcome by the same fear.
Standing next to the battered eleven-year-old Jess, dressed in her military fatigues, Angelyne pointed her finger upward to the edge of the ravine. "To there," she replied to his question from earlier.
One of her wings was missing some feathers, but both were very beautiful.
"No, I don't want to," the boy Jess grumbled. "I want to stay with you. I want to be with you always."
"I want to be with you too, darling," Angelyne told him tenderly. "And we will be, you'll see. But not now. Now you have to go up there".
He tried hard not to, but Jess' eyes filled with tears and began to cry. "But I can't! It's too high, and it's too heavy!" He shook the bike, which he had gripped with one hand by the handlebars; that bike he had been so proud to buy with the money he had earned running errands, and which now only looked like scrap metal. "And it hurts!" he protested between sobs.
Angelyne knelt down beside him and hugged him, comforting him. "Sssh… I know, I know…" she stroked his head. "Don't be afraid. I always take care of you."
Jess looked at her slightly plucked wing and felt a pleasant calm wrap around him because he knew it was true.
Angelyne pulled away and looked him in the face. Her eyes held within them all the stars in the firmament. "It's true," she continued, "It's heavy. And it hurts. But you have to go up there," she insisted in a gentle, firm tone.
Jess let out a hiccup, but he was no longer crying. "Why?" he protested with a rebellious spark.
Angelyne wiped the tears from his cheeks. She stood up. Her wings were huge and gave off a brilliant clarity full of love. She unfurled them with a snap that sounded like a thousand chimes. A few little feathers floated in the air.
"Because up there," Angelyne said with a warm smile even more dazzling than her wings, "your friends, your family, are waiting for you. Sarah and Tali... And more people you don't know yet but you're going to love very much. The rest of your life awaits you up there, Jess.
The boy Jess looked up, frightened. The ravine seemed three times as high as it had been that day... He shook his head. "I can't..." he said, defeated.
"Yes, you can!" Angelyne replied enthusiastically. "You can because this time, Jess, all you have to do is... want it."
Jess was dumbfounded. Oh... Right. He thought of Tali and Sarah. Of her father. Of Clinton and Angelyne's parents. Of Sheryll, Hana and Kenny; Of Isobel and Jubal; Ivan and Kristin... In all the people who loved and cherished him...
Suddenly he was an adult again. He looked at Angelyne. And he hesitated, not wanting to part from her. The smile on her face felt like an embrace filled with immense tenderness.
"And I… I'll be waiting for you," Angelyne declared, shrugging her shoulders.
Jess nodded, understanding, tears rolling down his cheeks, his heart brimming with her light.
He wanted it... and came back.
·~·~·
With a gasp, Jess opened his eyes to the awareness of the physical world. It had been like becoming heavier and heavier as he fell upward, at full speed. It was immediate and eternal and exhausting.
All around him, the hospital room was in semi-darkness, filled with the sounds of life support machines.
"Jess? Jess! Thank heavens!"
Someone grabbed his hand and forearm. With a titanic effort, he turned his head and found Sheryll at his bedside.
She was haggard, her eyes bloodshot. "Jess? Jess, can you hear me?"
He wanted to answer, but couldn't; he had something stuck deep in his throat. Trying to calm Sheryll's obvious anxiety, Jess made another effort to squeeze his hand and nod. Tears of joy and relief filled her eyes.
And she ran off to find a doctor.
·~·~·
"My goodness, Jess. For God's sake, don't ever scare us like this again," Hana pleaded, grief all over her face.
"The doctors said you've been saved the skin of your teeth," Sheryll added, her throat tightening. "Two millimeters more to the left and you would have died on the spot."
"And if you hadn't been right next to a hospital emergency room," said Ivan, "they wouldn't have arrived in time to save you..."
The three of them, standing around his bed, looked at him as if, despite having him in front of them, conscious and alert, they had not yet been able to recover from the shock. Jess wanted to answer, but his throat was too sore. Leaning against the doorframe, Kristin raised a hand to wave at him, her features deeply troubled as well. Jess returned the gesture and tried a reassuring smile for everyone.
Managing to adopt a more collected attitude, Sheryll informed him: "Sarah and Tali are on their way. "He squeezed her hand, "They should be here any minute."
"Kenny and Clinton are coming here too," Hana told him.
Would someone have warned his father? He would have to find out later.
Then Sarah and Tali stormed into the room. They were accompanied by Isobel and Jubal, who stood by the door. Jess's team stepped aside to make room for the two most important people in his life. Tali and Sarah stopped at the edge of his bed. Not knowing if they would hurt him if they were too effusive with him. Jess opened his arms. With tears streaming down their faces, Sarah and Tali gingerly wrapped their arms around him. Jess held them both close to his chest. He was overcome with the irrational desire to never let them go.
The others left the room to give them privacy.
"Oh, Jess," Sarah murmured with grief. "When they came looking for us, we didn't even know if you were going to make it through it."
The way her voice cracked broke Jess's heart.
Tali could only sob inconsolably, her face buried in his chest and clutching fistfuls of his hospital gown.
Without any kind of prior warning, an immense weight fell crushing on Jess like a gigantic slab. I could have died today... It left him without air, paralyzed... And it terrified him to the very core of his being.
He became aware of the extent to which he had been playing with fire.
Holy heavens, Jess, he said to himself. You could have left Tali completely orphaned, forced her to overcome a loss like this for a second time; widowed Sarah, heartbroken, perhaps irreparably; Dad without one of his reasons for fighting his illness...
He pressed them tighter against him, breathlessly, trying to control the feeling that he wouldn't stop falling.
·~·~·
After a while, Sarah came out of the room and told Isobel that Jess wanted to talk to her. Isobel followed her and the two went in together. Jubal accompanied them, like a guardian dog.
Sitting down in a chair beside the bed, Isobel took Jess's hand, her eyes full of the fraternal affection that had always been between them.
"How are you...?" she asked softly.
With Tali still curled up on his torso, Jess returned the squeeze and gave her a peaceful smile. Jubal and Isobel looked at him in exasperation, both thinking he had not taken the whole thing seriously.
"That was a too close call, buddy," said Jubal, grimly, folding his arms.
"You were saved practically by miracle," Isobel added in anguish.
By miracle, indeed.
They both looked downright upset. After what had happened with Rina, Jess could understand perfectly well. He knew it would have been a very hard blow for them to lose him too...
"I know, believe me," Jess answered, his voice hoarse but particularly serene.
His chest was still constricted from the aftermath of the panic attack, but Jess marveled at the clarity of mind he felt at that moment.
Jubal continued to admonish him with his scowl. Isobel, however, seemed to calm down quite a bit. But then she looked at him with narrowed eyes, as if sensing something strange in his. She leaned back.
"You're going to retire." It was not a question, nor a comment. It was a certainty.
"That's right." A firm statement. The decision was already made.
All four looked at him with surprise. Sarah and Tali were puzzled. Isobel was the first to recover, making a gesture of understanding.
"But Dad..." Tali began.
"Jess, please don't- don't make any rash decisions..." said Sarah.
"You love your job..." Tali murmured, dismayed.
Jess smiled warmly at them both.
"I love you two much more," he replied, simply. "It's not a sacrifice. It's my choice. I want to have time for us to be together. I want to be able to enjoy you. I want to be there". The icy breath of death powerfully underscored those last two words. "And I'll finally have time to write the book I told you about," he said to Jubal, in a lighter tone, bringing his friend out of his stupor and making him laugh quietly.
While Sarah and Tali were still speechless, Isobel nodded, giving Jess one more affectionate squeeze on the hand.
"Don't worry. We'll take care of everything," she said, getting up.
Jubal nodded as well. He and Isobel exchanged a meaningful glance. Jess could see on the faces of both of them that he had inadvertently planted some personal uncertainties in their hearts. Perhaps they were reconsidering some of their approaches to life. At any rate, when they turned to him again it was evident that they were happy for him.
Tali and Sarah still looked confused, but Jess was sure they would be overjoyed afterward.
"You know," Isobel turned just before leaving. "This all reminds me of something my mother and grandmother used to say... It was something like, 'An angel has left its feathers there', that is, protecting with its wing. Do you see? Protecting you."
For a few moments, Jess thought he felt a light touch, like that of a feather, delicately caressing his cheek. Nodding slightly, his lips sketched mysterious smile.
"Yes. Yes it has, yes."
·~·~·
=Denpasar International Airport, Bali, Indonesia. 4 months later=
Sarah and Jess stepped off the plane holding hands. There was a lot of humidity in the air, but less heat than Jess had expected. Actually, it felt pretty good.
They walked together, all smiles. He was afraid that maybe they had caused a sugar rush in the whole cabin, because of how cuddly they had been with each other during the flight, but he didn't really care.
In fact, as soon as they were in the terminal, Jess grabbed Sarah and gave her a long, passionate kiss. Lately, he couldn't keep his hands off her...
People passed around them chuckling.
Gone were Jess' months of physical rehabilitation, which had left him with only a slight limp that should eventually heal, and the busy weeks spent moving to Canada, to a house near Tali's school. Jess could even start working on the book he wanted to write about his FBI cases. Now the only thing waiting for them both was touring the island, the sun, the beach… To enjoy each other and have the best time possible during those next ten days.
When Jess stopped kissing her, Sarah protested looking around, blushing, but happy. "Jess!"
He didn't even justify himself, just smiled at her with a mischievousness that managed to redden her even more.
After picking up their luggage, Jess called Tali and had a brief video conference with her. Tali promised, again, that she would be good in their absence and wished them glad, once more, a great time.
Passing by one of the airport stores, Jess stopped by a stand of postcards. He looked at them for a moment before deciding so, and began to pick them out one by one. For Tali, for Dad... For Clinton, Marielou and Nelson. For Sheryll, for Hana. Kenny. Ivan and Kristin. For Isobel, Jubal and his children...
He took a few more just in case. He enthusiastically carried the bundle to the cashier.
But what are you doing, Jess? Is there anyone still sending postcards nowadays?" Sarah asked him, laughing.
Jess shrugged, beaming. I plan to send all of them.
~.~.~.~
Author's note: OK, that's it. I hope it didn't turn out too sappy. I'd really love to know what you think.