If you clicked this story, that means you're prepared for existential angst, suicidal ideation, and uncertain resolutions on the basis of trust, love, and friendship. Enjoy if you can!
A flagpole casts a 30cm shadow while the sun shines down at a 12 degree angle. What is the height of the pole?
Mami stared up at the clouds as she had lunch on the school roof, quietly contemplating the school day so far.
True or False? The audible spectrum of sound is between 20hz and 100khz.
Or was she contemplating the school week so far? After so many tests, the past few days had started to blend together.
Which of the following sentences has incorrect tense syntax? a) He had had the doctor perform a check up. b) He had, had the doctor perform a check up. c) He had, had the doctor performed a check up. d) He had the doctor perform a check up.
Actually, now that she thought about it, the past few years had started to blend together too. She could have sworn she had only just started middle school. At the same time, she felt like she'd been in middle school her whole life. It was as if the passage of time was a lie; like the world had been kept in stasis since her parents died.
"Pencils down, all papers forward. That includes you, Miss Tomoe."
It hadn't felt real when her homeroom adviser announced the dates to her final exams. That feeling of unreality followed her through the exams, up to the very last moment. And here she was now, having completed the last cavalcade of tests of her middle school life.
Barring any complications with her admittedly below-average test scores, she was going to graduate.
Mami stared up at the sky and chewed thoughtfully on a rice ball.
She was about to take the next step forward in her life…
Somehow…
Mami waited at the intersection, turning the ring of her soul gem on her finger. She breathed in the sticky thickness of the miasma. "There's going to be a lot of wraiths tonight," she murmured with a grimace.
"You got that right!" Kyouko landed next to Mami, already in her magical girl outfit. "The air here is just disgusting. The sooner we clear out this spawn, the better." She stabbed her spear into the pavement and leaned against its haft. "What's got you all pensive? You look as broody as Homura."
"I do not brood," Homura retorted. As usual, she had just inexplicably appeared behind them, also in her magical girl outfit. "What you see as brooding is my reviewing of all currently known information about our enemies and formulating contingency measures for any unlikely developments." She walked past them, squinting through the fog. "I don't like being forced to improvise."
"Whatever you say, Hom." The lancer side-eyed Mami, mouthing, "Totally broody" with a smirk.
Mami managed a small smile as she too transformed. "Tonight's hunt will probably last until morning, ladies. Let's try to pace ourselves."
Homura scoffed. Kyouko snickered in agreement. "Don't worry so much, Mami. We can handle it."
The two readied their weapons and confidently entered the miasma. Mami followed behind them, that small smile still on her face.
"We can handle it," she parroted. "Right."
With a deep breath, she leapt forward, conjuring a dozen muskets that trailed behind her.
Mami rounded up the civilians that had been unfortunate enough to get caught in the wraith spawn and Kyouko lined them up against the wall of an alley.
"What do you think?" the lancer asked. "Aren't they the perfect picture of salarymen working five extra hours of overtime, getting drunk at a bar, and falling asleep on the streets? No one will suspect a thing!"
Mami and Homura shared a look before collectively rolling their eyes.
With the sweep of her ribbons, Mami gathered all the grief cubes dropped by the fallen wraiths into a pile before them. Homura seemed to flicker for a moment before disappearing. The cube pile immediately shrank by roughly a third, the remains split equally for the rest of them.
Mami sighed. "Even when we're explicitly in a team, that girl still acts like such a loner."
Kyouko chuckled, tapping Mami's shoulder reassuringly. "Give it some time. It's barely been a year since she joined up. And not to mention how closed off she's been since that thing with Sayaka. I'm sure she'll come around."
Pursed lips. "Right… Surely…"
Kyouko retrieved her share and bounded off to who knows where—probably to break into a hotel or steal some food—leaving Mami alone on an empty intersection with her own pile of grief cubes.
"Surely…"
Mami leaned back against the backrest of her couch, staring at her ceiling. The analog clock ticking on her wall said it was 13:31, which would have been fourth period on a normal school day, but graduating students had been given a week break. She was stuck with time she didn't know what to do with.
Normally, she spent what little free time she had on catching up on any school work she was behind on. Given that finals had just ended, she had none left. She also considered cleaning her apartment, but she'd already done so the previous week. Similarly, grocery shopping was also off the table because her fridge was still fairly well stocked.
The only other thing she did in her free time was bake—the closest thing to a hobby she had. And it would have been her first choice of activities too! Except…
She glanced at the two cakes shrink-wrapped on her kitchen table: a cheesecake and carrot cake, both virtually untouched save for the single slices she had indulged in yesterday.
A sigh.
She could bake, but it would be a waste to do so while two perfectly good cakes still lay uneaten. The only way she could justify baking another was if she invited Kyouko and Homura to a tea-party. Unfortunately, Homura was still busy at school and Kyouko was basically impossible to find until it was time to hunt. It would be hours before an opportunity to invite them presented itself—and even then, they might have still refused.
Or at least Homura might refuse, Mami thought with a weak chuckle. Kyouko would definitely accept, just for the food alone.
With another sigh, she materialized her soul gem, holding it against the light on her ceiling. The jewel's golden glow intermingled with the fluorescence from above and the faint swirls of darkness from within, creating a mesmerizing kaleidoscope as she turned it in her hand.
She was a magical girl. That had been her life for three years now. And in those three years, she had also been a middle school girl. And now that she was graduating…
…what would even change…?
She always had three constants in her life: homework, housework, and hunting. Even through all the ups and downs—from her falling out and eventual reconciling with Kyouko, to Sayaka's contracting and subsequent passing—those three activities always occupied her days. She was certain it would still be the case in highschool. Maybe even in university too, assuming her grades were good enough to get into one.
But what about afterwards…?
What if she flunked out of high school?
What if her parents' money ran out before she got a job?
What if she got kicked out of her apartment and was forced to move?
What would she do?
Nothing?
She shook her head.
Honestly, she never thought she'd find herself worrying about this sort of thing. Adulthood had always seemed so far away—far enough that she would never get there. She always assumed she'd die young, either killed during a wraith hunt gone awry or taken by the law of cycles due to losing track of her own magic. But now?
She clutched her soul gem tightly.
There were three more years of compulsory education before she was free to do whatever she wanted. And given how the last three years went, she could already imagine herself in the same stagnant numbness she was experiencing now.
What was she supposed to do?
Mami swung her arm and a dozen summoned muskets appeared, firing a volley at a nearby mass of wraiths. Explosions boomed from the other side of the throng as Homura's own firearms hit their marks. Once the wraiths were sufficiently clumped up, a massive cage of red diamonds locked them in place, after which the two gunners began shooting with abandon. Within minutes, the miasma began dispersing, returning them to a quiet street in the dead of night.
"Good work, girls," Mami remarked with a huff.
"Barely broke a sweat!" Kyouko said with a grin, landing atop a nearby streetlight. "What about you? You seemed a little distracted back there."
A grimace was all Mami could muster. She'd had several close calls that night, her musket salvos barely missing Kyouko while she had been in melee with the wraiths. The lancer hadn't made a fuss during the action but Mami should have known that she'd noticed.
"I'm sorry. Just a little out of it."
Kyouko waved a hand dismissively. "Nah, don't worry about it. I'm used to how you shoot. The only way you'd ever hit me is if you were actually trying to."
Mami forced a smile. "Right. I'm glad you think so highly of me."
Homura flickered into existence underneath the streetlight Kyouko was standing on, a pile of grief cubes at her feet. She turned to Mami with a tilt of her head. "Even if neither of us were harmed, it was irresponsible of you to be so distracted during a hunt."
"Relax, Hom." Kyouko dropped down, laying a hand on Homura's shoulder. "She already apologized. No need to scold her more."
Homura side-eyed the lancer before returning her attention to Mami. "Whatever is distracting you, I'd recommend you deal with it before our next hunt. You are…" she pursed her lips, "important… to this team. It wouldn't do if you're not at your best."
With that Homura shrugged off Kyouko's hand and disappeared, along with a third of the grief cube pile. Just like always, the remains of the pile were split equally for the rest of them.
Mami looked down at the pile nearest her feet, brushing her fingers over the soul gem in her hair. "I suppose that's as close to a cordial goodbye we're going to get."
Kyouko snorted. "Cordial. Sure." She shook her head and began gathering her share. Mami sighed and did the same.
Once again, Mami slumped over her kitchen table. Her break was nearly done and she still didn't know what to do with her time.
Oh, she did have ideas. She could have gotten a part-time job; gone out and actually met some new people; done any number of other things during her break.
But she didn't do any of that.
Instead, she did nothing, whiling away her days, vegetating in her apartment.
She was starting to believe that this would just be what her future would be like: living off her inheritance, doing absolutely nothing with her time.
Three years of surviving. Three years of living alone and persevering. For what? Meaningless boredom? Freedom wasted on nothing? A life of only more empty loneliness?
She shook her head.
No, when the accident happened, she had wished to survive. And she did survive, her soul gem and magic serving as her lifeline. The fact that she was still alive now was simply the fulfillment of her wish.
And fulfilling her wish was the least she could do for the parents she had failed to take into account when she made it. That's what they would have wanted, after all. She was doing the right thing.
So why did being alive feel like such a waste…?
"Hom, on your left!"
"There's too many!"
"Mami, you need to retreat!"
Mami opened her eyes, gasping for air. She was on the couch in her living room, a numb pain below her left ribs. She gingerly touched her side, feeling the soaked strips of cloth binding her chest. Her hand came away bloody and smelling metallic.
With effort, she pushed herself to a seated position, grimacing at the red stains on her floor and furniture. She could clearly see the trail of blood leading from her balcony to where she now sat.
On the coffee table lay her soul gem, its dim glow clouded by the roiling mass of darkness being siphoned by the grief cubes surrounding it. Rather alarmingly, a good number of the cubes looked fully saturated with the darkness from her gem.
"Awake now, I see."
Mami blinked, finally noticing Homura in the other room, working on what looked to be homework on the kitchen table. She didn't look up from her notebook as she spoke.
"You were using a lot of magic earlier—more than you usually do. I assume the wraiths noticed you were running low and decided to converge on you."
"Move, Mami!"
"I'm boxed in!"
"We'll give you an opening, just—!"
"Yes, I remember," Mami replied with a bitter smile. "I couldn't get away from them."
"No, but you did buy yourself enough time for us to bail you out of it. You even walked away with little more than some scratches and bruises."
Mami touched her bound side skeptically.
"And a punctured lung, I suppose," Homura added with a shrug. "But considering how many wraiths there were? I'm honestly kind of impressed you're as well as you are."
Mami averted her eyes. "I shouldn't be unwell at all. I'm sorry."
A snort. "Do you truly believe the blame for that situation falls entirely on you?"
After a moment of thought, she shook her head. "No, I just felt like I needed to say it…"
"Apologies are often rendered meaningless if they're given without reason. Considering the unpredictable nature of our enemies, there is nothing you need to apologize for. Sometimes, these things just happen."
"R-right…"
There was an awkward pause as Homura returned to her homework. The only sounds that filled the air around them were the faint scratching of a pencil against paper and the otherworldly hum of the grief cubes purifying her soul gem. It took a minute or so before Homura turned another page and cleared her throat.
"You know," she began cautiously, "I'd always assumed your wish made your magic much more efficient. I'm used to your soul gem being relatively clear at the end of every hunt. It makes me wonder what could have happened to cause the rate of soul gem decay you had tonight."
Mami narrowed her eyes. She could identify a leading question when she heard one. "I'm not sure it's any of your business."
"If that's your answer, you must not understand why I'm asking." Homura leaned back against her chair, shooting Mami a critical look. "I'm not sure if you realized this before but your mood has a direct effect on how much magic you use. Your wish not to die likely holds back much of your passive consumption of magic. The emotions you've attached to your own survival play a similar role."
Mami's frown deepened as Homura continued to speak.
"If I were to make a deduction, something may have shaken your resolve to live—or else you simply decided not to use the grief cubes from the previous hunt. I will choose to believe you're not stupid enough to do the latter, so that leaves only the former. Would you like to talk about it?"
Mami looked down at her bloodied hand, rubbing her fingers against her palm. "You've always been perceptive like that. It's something I admire in you even now."
Homura flickered before appearing before the couch. She knelt as she offered a damp towel to wipe the blood off Mami's hand.
"I was serious the other day when I said you were important to the group," she said, her expression unreadable. "If something is bothering you, we need you to deal with it." She averted her eyes, running a hand through her hair. "And… if you can't deal with it on your own, you can always count on your team to help."
After a moment, Mami chuckled weakly and accepted the towel. "I'm glad you're here, Homura," she whispered. "And I'm glad you're willing to help… but…"
As Mami trailed off, Homura made eye contact and tilted her head, eventually continuing the thought.
"But you believe you can deal with it on your own, still?"
"Yes," Mami answered softly. "At least for now…"
There was another pause as Homura closed her eyes, lowering her head. "Very well," she replied evenly. "I hope you manage to work through it."
"I hope so too…"
Homura stood and began walking back to the kitchen. "I suggest you go back to sleep, Mami. I'll be here for you until morning."
Mami pursed her lips. Admittedly, she did feel exhausted. Her magical healing was taking a greater toll on her body than she expected.
"Alright." She slowly lied down and closed her eyes. She immediately felt her consciousness fading. "Good night, Homura."
"Good night, senpai. Have a good rest."
Senpai, she thought dreamily. It had been a while since someone called her that, hadn't it?
Sizzling bacon woke Mami from her slumber. For a moment, she simply savored the sound and smell, her stomach rumbling in anticipation for breakfast. Then her eyes snapped open as she remembered something: she didn't have any bacon in her fridge. She only ever bought bacon when Kyouko tagged along for her grocery shopping.
She pushed herself upright as she squinted towards the kitchen. Sure enough, the redhead was working the stove. Homura was there too, still in the same seat as the previous night. The homework that once surrounded her was now replaced with a single mug of what Mami could only assume was coffee.
A frown formed on Mami's lips.
She hadn't bought coffee the last time she went grocery shopping either. Did the two really go to the supermarket just to buy these?
With the shake of her head, Mami levered herself off the couch and walked to the table. And on the way, she picked up her now-purified soul gem from the nearby pile of grief cubes.
"Good morning," she greeted curtly as she entered the room. "Enjoying breakfast so far?"
"This ain't breakfast yet!" Kyouko exclaimed as she populated the table with a very western selection of breakfast foods. Bacon, eggs, sausages, bread—Mami could scarcely believe they'd prepared this much while she'd been asleep. "Bon Appetit!"
"Uh… thank you for the food…"
With that quiet muttering of thanks, they began their meal in earnest. Kyouko immediately speared sausages with her fork. Homura cut herself a portion of eggs and bacon. Mami reluctantly picked up her own utensils and partook in the food as well. They ate in silence for a time.
"Ahem." Homura cleared her throat after a few minutes. "Since all of us are present, I think we should address the elephant in the room."
"Can't we do this after breakfast?" Kyouko grumbled between tearing bites out of a slice of bread.
"Yes, but this saves time. Mami, you'll be graduating soon, yes?"
Still chewing a mouthful of food, Mami replied with a wordless nod.
"Given that I don't see you at school anymore, that must mean graduating students were given a break of some sort. Correct?"
Another nod.
Kyouko perked up. "Ooh! So you're free?"
Mami averted her eyes as she swallowed, setting her utensils down onto her plate. "Yes, I'm free. Have been for most of this week, actually."
"Man, you should have told me! I had like half a dozen things I wanted to do that needed someone else's help. Hom refused to give any." The lancer side-eyed the girl in question.
Homura scoffed as she took a sip of her drink. "I was busy."
"Pssh, sure you were." Kyouko returned her attention to Mami, lips parting to reveal a manic grin. "Anyway, since you probably have nothing better to do, what do you say to doing a couple errands with me?"
Mami glanced back and forth between Homura, Kyouko, and the food on her plate. In truth, the simple offer of something to do was incredibly tempting. At the same time, she was wary of the fact that Kyouko was the one offering it. For all she knew, they'd end up in some gang fight, or shoplifting, or whatever else Kyouko did in her free time nowadays.
"I'm not sure," she eventually answered.
Kyouko's face scrunched. "Why not? Not like I'm gonna force you to steal from a supermarket or fight gangsters or whatever."
A wince. Mami had forgotten that Kyouko was just as perceptive as Homura, if not more so. "Uh…"
There was a quiet but sharp tap as Homura laid her mug back down on the table. "How about we give her some time to think? You did technically spring this on her out of nowhere."
Though Kyouko grumbled and complained, she shrugged and accepted the compromise without any real push-back.
After breakfast, Homura excused herself on account of still needing to go to school. They waved her off, leaving the dishes to both Mami and Kyouko. One of them lathered, the other rinsed.
"Hey, why didn't you tell us about your break?" Kyouko asked quietly as she scrubbed the left-over grease off the serving plate.
Mami was silent for a moment as she washed the suds off another plate, leaving it on a tray to dry. "I suppose," she mumbled, "I just never found the right moment to talk about it?"
"Really? You couldn't have mentioned it during our hunts?"
"It didn't seem like the right time…"
An exasperated sigh. "Mami, would there ever be a right time?"
Mami wordlessly accepted another plate covered in soap to rinse, not voicing an answer. In truth, she didn't really have one.
Kyouko chose not to push her and let the conversation die, shaking her head in what Mami could only assume was disappointment.
They finished washing the dishes without another peep from either of them.
Mami followed behind Kyouko as they flitted through back alleys and sidestreets, carefully navigating around some of the more heavily policed areas of Mitakihara.
"They would probably bring us in for truancy," Kyouko had explained. "Wouldn't matter that you're on break. They don't like kids like us being out and about."
It was sound logic, but Mami still wouldn't say she enjoyed the fact that she had to sneak around like this in broad daylight. Still, at least she was walking through parts of town she rarely had the opportunity to appreciate during their late night hunts. The eclectic architecture of the older parts of Mitakihara were much prettier to look at when the sun was up.
Kyouko gestured for them to stop. "We're about to cross. Quick, up the building."
Both of them leapt a couple stories to the top of a nearby office complex overlooking a busy arterial road. Kyouko pointed to another building across the highway.
"I should be able to hide the two of us while we jump the gap. On my mark?"
Mami grunted in affirmation and Kyouko transformed, cloaking the two of them in jewel-like sparkles. Mami looked down at her hands, watching with fascination at how they caught the light as she turned them.
"On three. One, two—"
After crossing the road, they dropped back down and continued walking.
Mami noticed a discernible change in architecture and street layout as the minutes wore on but she couldn't quite put her finger on why. It was only when the buildings and roads gave way to trees and a dirt path that she realized where they were headed.
Kyouko pushed the door to the church open by a sliver before slipping inside. Mami pushed it open a bit more and entered as well.
As expected from a building that's been abandoned for three years now, the place was a mess. Most windows had been blown out by bad weather. Many of the wooden pews that hadn't burned down were starting to rot. The only thing that remained relatively intact was the main altar, lit by the sunlight streaming through the holes in the ceiling. It looked strangely beautiful despite the surrounding squalor.
"Come on," Kyouko said, urging Mami deeper into the building.
They skirted around the side, entering a nondescript door leading to what Mami could only assume was the Sakura family living quarters. Sure enough a few steps later, they entered a burnt out room with what was left of a kitchen and hallway leading to yet more rooms.
"Every couple of months, I come back here to see if there's anything else I can salvage from the wreck. I usually don't find anything, but sometimes I get lucky and dig up some stray jewelry that I can sell. Or clothes that I can wear." Kyouko kicked a stray piece of debris. "Or… toys to donate to an orphanage? Lots of things, I guess."
Mami breathed in the scene for a moment before turning to Kyouko slowly. "Was this what you needed Homura's help with?"
A shrug. "Not really, but I figured you'd appreciate helping with this more than helping me get a new high score in DDR."
After a pause, Mami nodded. "Well… I suppose we should get started."
In the end, they didn't find anything of value. They were as empty-handed on their journey home as when they left. Kyouko somehow didn't seem too bothered by this, but Mami couldn't help but feel a twinge of disappointment.
"You know," Kyouko began as they re-entered Mami's apartment, "we couldn't have really known we'd find nothing until we looked. There's nothing to feel bad about."
Mami engaged the lock with a click before pressing her head against the door. After a moment, she pursed her lips and walked into the living room, where Kyouko had plopped herself onto the couch. "Didn't you say you usually don't find anything?"
"Yep," Kyouko replied. She leaned back and kicked her feet up onto the coffee table. "But I do it anyway."
"Why?"
"I don't know, nostalgia? Habit? A want for something of worth to come out of that place other than me? I don't really think about it that much other than that it feels right to do."
"I see."
"The better question is why you decided to join me."
A frown. "Because you asked."
Kyouko laughed. "Yeah, I did, but why did you agree? It didn't really seem like you wanted to be there."
"Because…!" Mami looked down at her feet. "Because…"
"Because you had nothing better to do?" Kyouko suggested.
Mami's fists clenched tightly at her side, lips pressed into a razor thin line. She honestly didn't have anything better to do—which Kyouko had clued into almost immediately. If it was that obvious, what could she possibly say in response that wouldn't be easily clocked as a lie?
So she just jerked a nod in agreement, for all the shame that entailed.
At that, Kyouko sighed. "Don't get too worked up over it, Mami. It's more relatable than you think."
Mami shook her head in disagreement. Because how could this be relatable? Who else would waste the miracle she wished into existence but herself alone? Who other than Mami Tomoe wished for life and simply refused to live it?
A huff. "Fine." Kyouko stood and crossed the room, placing her hands on Mami's shoulders. "Look, I get it. You probably felt like shit all week, bored out of your mind. It sucks. But you can't let it keep you down. The only way to get over stuff like this is to just do something."
Do what? The only things she ever did in her life since becoming a magical girl was kill wraiths, go to school, and bake. What could she possibly do that would fulfill that same existential—
"Anyway, c'mon. Let's go bug Homura. School should be out by the time we get there."
Mami blinked. "What—?"
Without warning, Kyouko's grip on her shoulders tightened, turning her around with a shove and herding her back towards the door.
"That wasn't a suggestion," Kyouko declared as they once again left the apartment.
Mami fumed in silence as they walked along the garden path leading to Mitakihara Middle School. She wasn't sure what angered her more. The fact that Kyouko strong-armed her into doing something she never agreed to, or the fact that she somehow felt much better now because of it? Either way, it made a small, terrible part of her wonder:
If it was this easy to make herself feel better, why didn't she do it before? Why did she need to be forced into doing it?
The ring of the school bell snapped Mami out of those dark thoughts, audible even at a distance. Kyouko had been right on the money when she said classes would be over by the time they arrived.
"That's our cue to hurry it up." Kyouko grabbed Mami's hand and picked up the pace. "C'mon! Homura awaits!"
"Do we really need to?"
"Need to what? Hurry? I mean, if little miss cold-dark-and-broody decides to pull her that disappearing act of hers, we'll pretty much never find her until it's time to hunt. But if we hurry, we should be able to contact her by the time we reach the gates."
Mami's question was more asking if they really needed to annoy Homura right now, but she decided not to clarify. After all, as much as she was a part of this scheme now that Kyouko dragged her into it, she didn't really have a say in what was going to happen anymore.
"Yo, Hom!"
As soon as they arrived at the gates, Kyouko shouted with her mind, making Mami flinch.
"Ack!" Kyouko seemed to flinch too, probably because Homura heard the loud telepathic cry and responded in kind. "She is not happy," the lancer remarked, rubbing her temple.
"I would imagine not. Did you have to do that?"
A chuckle. "Had to. The objective is to annoy her, remember?"
Mami sighed, muttering, "Maybe that's your objective. I'm just a bystander in all this." Kyouko pretended not to hear her.
A few minutes later, an understandably vexed-looking Homura stepped out of the school building and stalked towards them, navigating the crowd with an otherworldly grace. The students she walked past didn't even notice she was there, as if she was nothing more than a ghost to them.
Mami felt a pang of sadness at that observation.
"Even if you wanted my attention," Homura growled when she entered earshot, "you didn't need to yell."
Kyouko shrugged.
Homura rolled her eyes, running a hand through her hair. "In any case, what do you want?"
"We're bored."
She narrowed her eyes, glancing back and forth between Kyouko and Mami. "I can imagine you are," she replied slowly. "But what exactly do you expect me to do about it?"
Kyouko's lips curled into a sly smile. "I have a few ideas."
This gave Mami a sinking feeling. It probably gave Homura a similar feeling if the nervous look she shared with Mami was anything to go by.
"Let's hear it," Homura eventually replied. "If I agree, we'll do it."
"I shouldn't have agreed," Homura grumbled as they sat in the corner of a karaoke booth while Kyouko belted out mangled lyrics to a song that was several words-per-minute faster than her ability to sing.
Mami smiled amicably. "It's at least not boring…?"
Homura snorted. "She could have still picked an activity that didn't involve more yelling."
As if on cue, Kyouko yelled a verse, making the speakers ring from the feedback of her mic. Homura rolled her eyes in response and picked up the song list, leafing through for anything she was familiar with.
"You're not wrong," Mami admitted weakly, looking away.
Homura hummed and turned the page. "In any case, are you enjoying yourself, Mami?"
Mami thought on the question for a few seconds, displeased by the way her musing was constantly interrupted by Kyouko's bad singing. Still, she couldn't really say she outright disliked what she heard either. Was that lack of dislike enough to constitute enjoyment or did the displeasure overcome it?
"I don't know," Mami eventually replied.
Once again, Homura hummed and turned the page. "Do you want to enjoy it?"
She fidgeted in her seat and repeated her last answer, which did not receive any acknowledgement. At that, she sighed. "I suppose you expected me to say that?"
Homura shook her head. "It's not so much that I expected it as much as I was unsurprised by it."
"What do you mean?"
"As far as responses to life-changing circumstances go, ambivalence and apathy is not unheard of."
Mami pursed her lips. "Is it really that common?"
"I don't know."
"Then why did you say it with such conviction?"
Homura looked up from the catalog, meeting Mami's gaze. "I was speaking from experience."
For a moment, Mami just stared, mouth opened to voice a response that she didn't have. It hung agape for a few seconds before she slowly shut it. Maybe she should stew on this new information for a bit longer? She certainly didn't know enough to make any comments anyway.
"If I may," she eventually replied, "what happened?"
"It's—" Homura closed her eyes, muttering, "how do I explain this?" She sighed. "I had a friend once. She was… kind. So incredibly kind. The kindest girl I've ever met in the whole world. I would have gladly given my life to her." She looked down at her soul gem ring and smiled sadly. "And I did give her my life. I continued to, again and again. But then…"
Her expression soured, though merely calling it a displeased face couldn't do it justice. Those eyes of her's. Those haunted voids of purple. They contained an anguish so deep that Mami could only imagine what lay at the bottom.
"Then, one day, she was just… gone…"
"Gone…?"
"Disappeared without a trace. Dissolved from all but my memory."
Mami winced and nodded in understanding. This girl that Homura was speaking of was a Magical girl like them—one that was taken by the Law of Cycles. No wonder she seemed so distraught when Sayaka was taken. Someone she was close to had been taken in the same way.
"Everything was different afterwards," Homura continued. "The people I used to know seemed like strangers. The demons that I fought were like nothing I'd ever seen before. And my reason to continue fighting? I just didn't have one anymore." She clenched her hand on her chest. "I felt so lost for so long… I just…"
Homura trailed off and Mami swallowed. This mysterious, raven-haired stoic so rarely opened up like this. In fact, this was the first time she'd ever done so to this extent.
Disclosing one's wish was often considered incredibly personal. Homura didn't say exactly what she had wished for, but she said enough to paint the picture. She had given up her soul for this friend of hers. She was willing to die for them. And in her mind, she should have.
Mami's frown deepened as she took a deep breath.
"What did you do?" she asked quietly. "What did you do to make it better…?"
Homura considered the question for a moment before shrugging. "I just kept living. Kept surviving. Kept… trudging through every day with gritted teeth."
"So, it'll just get better with time?"
Homura shook her head. "No, time itself won't fix anything. But it does give you the chance to grow into someone who can endure it."
Mami looked down at her own soul gem ring. "But… but how do I even do that…?"
Pursed lips. "I'll have to get back to you on that…"
A minute or so later, Kyouko finished the song, joining Homura and Mami on the couch. "Alright, who's next?"
Homura set the song catalog down and stood.
"Ooh! Miss short, dark, and broody's gonna sing?"
"We'll see who's short once I hit a growth spurt in a few years," Homura growled.
Kyouko laughed and leaned in close to Mami, whispering, "notice how she didn't deny the dark and broody part."
Mami let out a half-hearted chuckle, unable to muster a real smile.
Just keep living, huh? It wasn't wrong per-se, but it was hardly practicable advice.
Because living was exactly what she was having trouble with…
Mami keyed open her door and sighed. "Thank you for accompanying me home."
Kyouko snorted and shouldered past her into the apartment. "Might as well since we're gonna be meeting up again for our next hunt anyway. Not like there's much we'll be able to do on our own before then."
Mami lowered her eyes. "Right." She opened the door wider for Homura, who walked in after Kyouko. Mami followed them inside, closing the door behind her.
"I plan on doing my homework," Homura announced. "Do not disturb me." She dropped her bag in the middle of the living room and seated herself at the coffee table.
"Oh? You go do that," Kyouko replied, walking to the kitchen. "I'm gonna make us dinner. Either of y'all craving anything specific?"
"I just told you not to disturb me," Homura grumbled. She was already scribbling away in her notebook while her textbook lay open before her.
"Just answer the damn question."
"No preferences."
"You never have preferences," Kyouko grumbled back.
"Then why ask me in the first place?"
Kyouko rolled her eyes and reached for an apron. She turned to Mami. "And you?"
For a brief moment, Mami was ready to parrot Homura's answer, letting Kyouko dictate their meal. But then she remembered what they ate that morning and scowled.
The bacon, eggs, and sausages were unsatisfying. That was not to say that Kyouko's ability as a cook was lacking—the food was admittedly quite good. At the same time, she couldn't help but feel like something had been missing.
And that missing something left her with such a strange feeling. She wasn't sure how to describe it. It was like a numb, lethargic restlessness. It only seemed to grow as the day went on, and now it was gnawing at her insides.
Well, whatever it was, she at least knew one thing: she didn't want Kyouko to cook.
Mami wordlessly strode towards Kyouko, snatching the apron before the redhead could put it on. "We're making vegetable teriyaki with miso soup," she asserted. "Get the ingredients ready."
Kyouko stood with her mouth agape for a moment before shrugging. "Sure. Your kitchen."
After dinner, Homura returned her attention to her homework while Mami and Kyouko washed the dishes. Kyouko was the one on rinsing duty this time.
"Hey," Kyouko began with a mumble. "Did that all-meat breakfast bother you that much…?"
Mami scrubbed quietly for a moment before shaking her head. "I do prefer a more balanced meal to start the day, but it wasn't a deal breaker or anything." She handed Kyouko a plate. "Why? Did I seem upset?"
"No, not upset. Although, you were kinda intense. I figured something was up."
A dry look. "So you immediately assumed it was because I didn't like the breakfast you made?"
Kyouko put a newly-rinsed plate onto the drying rack and huffed. "You know, that look you have right now? That's the sort of thing I meant when I said you were intense."
Mami averted her eyes, giving her sponge a squeeze. The resulting mass of soap suds slowly fell into the sink. Kyouko watched this for a moment before giving her a nudge to the elbow.
"Mami, talk to me."
"I didn't want you to cook…"
"What?"
"I said I didn't want you to cook. That's why I took charge earlier. I didn't want you to cook for me again."
Kyouko blinked. "I see," she said quietly.
An awkward pause.
"Any reason why?"
Mami shook her head.
"'No' like you don't know or 'no' like you just did it for shits and—"
"Kyouko," Mami cut in sharply. "I'd really rather not talk about this."
"Ah. Right."
Kyouko's face hardened as she returned to washing the dishes in silence. Mami did the same with a grimace. Neither of them spoke until they finished.
"Would you prefer it if I don't make you food anymore?" Kyouko eventually asked as she toweled off her hands.
"That's…" Mami fidgeted. "It's not really that I don't like your cooking—I do appreciate it a lot. But today…?" She shook her head. "The thought of you cooking for me just… doesn't sit right with me…"
"Hmm." Kyouko crumpled up the towel and threw it at Mami, who instinctively caught it before it hit her in the face.
A glare. "Hey, what was that for?"
"For making this way more complicated than it has to be." She crossed her arms, leaning on the counter top. "If you wanted to do all the cooking, you should have just said so. Not like I would have stopped you."
Mami blinked. "What?"
Kyouko rolled her eyes. "Your kitchen, remember?" She began walking away. "Whatever. I'm gonna use your shower."
Once she had left the room, Mami echoed her previous sentence. "What?"
From the living room, Homura glanced up from her homework with critical eyes but made no comment. Instead, she said, "I'm taking the shower after her."
By the time Mami shot her a glare, Homura had already returned her attention to her notebook.
Mami stood in front of the miasma and stared. Neither Homura nor Kyouko had made any comment about her performance in the previous night's hunt, nor had they expressed any concern about this upcoming one. Perhaps they were under the impression that she'd be fine this time?
"Nervous?" Kyouko asked, clapping a hand onto Mami's shoulder.
"A little."
"Makes sense after what happened yesterday. You think you're up for tonight? You know what's in store for us."
"I'm—" A fidget. "I'm not sure."
Homura blinked into existence next to Mami and gave her an appraising look. "If you're not sure then you shouldn't be jumping into a miasma. That's what nearly killed you last night."
Mami pursed her lips and looked down. It was unpleasant to hear, but Homura wasn't wrong. She couldn't afford to go in there half-cocked. She'd die.
Then again, was dying truly so bad?
No, she shouldn't think like that. Those were the kind of thoughts that would bring everyone else down with her.
"I'm sure it'll be fine," she eventually replied with a smile.
Homura's face was unreadable as she regarded Mami with a slow tilt of her head. "I'd hope so." She transformed and made a beeline towards the wraith spawn.
"God, she's so extra," Kyouko remarked with a chuckle as she, too, donned her magical girl outfit. "Try not to worry too much, alright, Mami? We've got your back." She disappeared into the fog.
"R-right," Mami murmured. "Thank you."
She transformed and followed the other two into the miasma.
It was difficult to focus—
Mami leaned slightly to the side, narrowly dodging a laser attack from the mass of wraiths below her. She paid it little mind as she continued to pelt them with musket rounds from a distance.
Such difficulty focusing wasn't anything new, of course. Hunts were often complex, chaotic affairs—
Mami heard the sound of glass shattering and she immediately threw herself off the building. An instant later, half a dozen faceless creatures with roiling cloaks smashed into the roof where she had once stood.
So many moving parts, all of them capable of ending her life with one wrong move. Keeping track of everything was taxing, even during the best of times—
She landed on one of Kyouko's lattice barriers, kicking off just in time for the pursuing wraiths to barrel through it. She twisted in mid-air to land on an adjacent building and resumed her volleys of rifle fire.
But right now? After everything that's happened in the last twenty-four hours…?
Once again, the sound of shattered glass forced Mami to move as additional wraiths charged towards her; fifteen of them now. Perhaps two dozen more began aiming lasers at her from a distance. She saw no clear escape paths.
There was too much to think about: from the immediate threat of surreal cloaked figures that wanted to kill her to concerns about her future that she had absolutely no business worrying about during a fight. She couldn't keep up.
She couldn't do this.
An eternity seemed to pass by as her instincts took over. She dodged attacks from all sides, leaping and twisting and shooting her rifles to divert her momentum. Something hot grazed her shoulder but she kept firing. Something sharp clipped her shins but she kept jumping. She vaguely sensed Homura and Kyouko moving to assist but she knew they wouldn't get to her in time. She was going to be overwhelmed. There was nothing she could do.
She was going to die.
Well, it was bound to happen eventually. At least she wouldn't have to worry about her future anymore.
She closed her eyes and just…
… stopped fighting.
"Hey!"
A sharp pain flashed through Mami's senses, passing so quickly that she could almost believe she had imagined the sensation. The only thing that assuaged such a notion was the numb sting that lingered on her cheek. Even then, it took her a moment to realize what that stinging meant.
Kyouko had just slapped her. Strange.
And even stranger was that she was still alive, lying in an alley. Kyouko was sitting directly over her with Homura standing slightly further away. They both wore oddly emotional expressions.
Huh. They must have saved her just in time. She could have sworn she was done for.
"If you ever do that again," Kyouko snarled, holding Mami by the front of her school uniform, "I'm not gonna settle for just another slap. I'm gonna beat the ever-living shit out of you."
Mami's vision blurred for a moment then blacked out for an instant. Then, she blinked as pain swelled from her other cheek. Had she been slapped again? No, it was a more blunt sort of pain. Not a slap, but a punch.
"What did I just say!?" Kyouko roared, shaking her.
"I… I don't… understand…"
Mami's voice sputtered out. It was so difficult to breathe. And she felt so tired. She wanted to close her eyes.
Kyouko punched her again. "Stay awake, dammit!"
"Kyouko," Homura said gently. "Hitting her will do little to help."
"Then what else am I supposed to do!?"
Mami's vision blurred once more, the sounds around her growing distant and difficult to parse. Were Kyouko and Homura arguing? She couldn't tell. It was like she was submerged in a murky pool of water, slowly drowning in its sleepy depths.
"Mami Tomoe."
Homura's voice cut through the murk in Mami's mind, clear as crystal.
With some effort, Mami resurfaced back into consciousness and noticed that Homura and Kyouko had traded places. Homura was now on top of her, staring into her eyes. "Y-yes…?" she croaked in reply.
"Focus, Mami. I can't do this if you're not lucid. Use magic if you must."
Right. Magic.
Mami took a deep breath and closed her eyes tightly. After a moment of exertion, she exhaled with a shudder and blinked rapidly. She was in unspeakable pain and had simply been numb to it until just now. Her lungs alone were barely functional, every breath soaked with blood. If she wasn't so weak, she would have been in the middle of a coughing fit. The rest of her body was no better.
"How's… this?" she croaked, her throat feeling raw and wet.
"That's better," Homura said with a grim smile.
Was it better? Because Mami was unsure if she preferred this overwhelming agony to the numbness from earlier.
"You're dying, Mami," Homura stated bluntly. "Though, I suppose that much is obvious. We're managing to delay it by continually feeding grief cubes to your soul gem, but it's quickly burning through our stores. We won't be able to sustain this indefinitely. You need to make a choice."
Mami mirrored Homura's grim smile. She had a feeling she knew where this was going.
"Do you want to let yourself be taken by the Law of Cycles?"
As expected, Kyouko began screaming at Homura, but Mami tuned her out. Homura seemed to do the same as she continued speaking.
"We'll stop giving your grief cubes and you'll disappear. Kyouko and I will just have to figure out what to do after that. I foresee many hardships for us if you take that route, but we'd likely be alright eventually." She smiled sadly. "We just wouldn't have you at our sides anymore."
There was sorrow in Homura's voice when she said that, the depths of which Mami could not fathom. It was a resigned grief, tinged with familiarity. Would Mami's passing have a similar effect on Homura as losing the friend she gave her wish to? Mami couldn't say.
"Or," Homura added more hopefully, "you could keep fighting. If you choose to do so, we'll keep giving you grief cubes until you stabilize. Our reserves will probably run low—or even run out completely—but we'll make sure you survive."
Mami stared blankly for a moment, unsure what emotion she felt bubbling from the bottom of her heart. She wheezed, "Didn't you say… that… feeding me cubes… was… unsustainable…?"
"That's because you've already accepted death. There's little we can do if you believe your wish is no longer worth fighting for." Homura gave a pained chuckle. "I honestly wouldn't even blame you. It's hard to find a reason to keep living after you realize your wish no longer matters. But if Kyouko and I found new ones, I don't think it's too far-fetched to believe you would eventually find one as well."
Mami swallowed a shaky breath as the unidentified emotion welled up. "You… you really think so…?"
Homura leveled her a serious look, eyes glowing with soul-piercing intensity. "Absolutely. If you choose this path, I'm certain that the mere act of choosing it will lead to your survival."
The emotion threatened to overflow. Mami could taste it in her mouth: bitter, dry, and stomach-turning. It was painful and unrelenting. It was completely overpowering. It was a state of mind she didn't even realize could become this intense.
It was ambivalence.
She felt a deeply visceral ambivalence.
That fear of death and the betrayal of her wish—her very reason for existing. The fear of the future and the unspeakable weight of being alive—weight that she was not pulling. They tugged at her frayed edges in opposite directions, threatening to rip her in two with not a hint of mercy. And even then, both options led to pain regardless of which she picked.
"The grief cubes or you, Mami."
Once again, Homura's voice snapped her out of her desperate musings. She found herself once again locking gazes with eyes of abyssal purple.
"The grief cubes or you?" Homura repeated. "Kyouko and I will not survive the night without one or the other. And if you don't choose, we get neither. Our life is in your hands, Mami. Make your decision."
Mami gritted her teeth. "Homura, please…"
"We won't choose for you. Make your decision."
Mami's vision blurred and breathing hitched. "Don't make me do this, Homura…"
"You know I must, Mami. You're the only one who can decide this. Choose."
Tears welled up in her eyes. She choked back a sob. "But I'm so scared…"
She felt Kyouko take a seat behind her, cradling her head with gentle hands. "That's fine, Mami. It's alright to be scared. We'll be here for you no matter what you pick, even if you pick neither of them."
Mami whined shakily, her voice cracking. "Kyouko…"
"You can answer her, Mami. You can be honest with us. Do you want to live?"
Mami could feel the tears running down her cheeks.
"I do," she whispered with uncertainty.
Then she shut her eyes, unable to stop the tidal wave that broke through the stalemate of her ambivalence. It filled up her heart and spilled over as an anguished wail escaped her lips.
"I do! I wanna live!"
Once the floodgates had opened, she could no longer control herself. She cried with abandon; cried until the night wore on; until she had no tears left to shed.
She cried and cried, and all the while, Homura and Kyouko pulled her close and held her tightly.
"We're here, senpai," they told her softly. "It'll be alright."
Mami stood in front of her mirror and sighed. Her new highschool uniform was admittedly quite stylish, but the black overcoat with aquamarine trim didn't really suit her fashion sense. Well, at least the skirt was longer than her middle school uniform.
Stepping away from the mirror, Mami turned her attention to the table, upon which sat her new school-issue bookbag, an assortment of textbooks, the plastic tube containing her middle school diploma, and her soul gem.
She frowned at the glowing rock.
It had been just over a week since her near-death experience and the jewel had yet to recover its usual golden glow. At the moment, it was more of a dull mustard color. She didn't expect it to get better any time soon.
When Homura and Kyouko finally stabilized her, they had reduced their grief cube stores to barely a handful of cubes between the three of them. It was hardly enough to survive the huge wraith spawn they had just retreated from, but it would be enough to tide them over while they hunted smaller spawns.
It would probably take at least a month of hunting small-fry before they accumulated enough grief cubes to return to their usual hunting grounds—and that's only if cube yields were being particularly generous. Mami wasn't looking forward to the coming nights.
"Hey, you ready yet?"
Mami blinked and turned to the door, slightly ajar with Kyouko's head peeking through the gap. The redhead looked at her seriously.
"Something on your mind?" Kyouko asked, stepping into the room.
Mami looked back down at her stuff and began packing what she needed for school. "Just thinking about the future."
"Like, what you're gonna do now that you're a highschooler?"
Mami glanced at the plastic tube next to her soul gem. "Something like that." With the shake of her head, she dismissed her soul gem into a ring on her finger and shouldered her bag. "Tell me, Kyouko, did you ever think we'd get here?"
"Hmm? What do you mean?"
"Like, here"—Mami gestured vaguely around herself—"alive, even after years of fighting manifestations of human darkness."
A raised brow. "Mhmm?" Kyouko smirked. "You still can't really believe you survived long enough to graduate?"
Mami found herself smiling wryly, returning her gaze to the mirror. "Not really," she muttered.
Kyouko chuckled. "Is that so?" She crossed her arms and leaned against the door frame. "Well, to answer your question, no, I haven't thought about it. In fact, I probably never will."
Mami frowned and adjusted her tie.
"The way I see it," Kyouko continued, "the future's gonna happen no matter what I do. Can't really spend my time worrying about it until then. I'll just have to deal with it when it comes."
"So you just wing it?"
A snort. "Mami, you know me. Do I seem like the type of person who tries to anticipate whatever bullshit life might throw at me?" Kyouko's smirk grew wider at Mami's subsequent wince. "No? Yeah, I thought so."
Mami sighed and walked through the door, allowing the silence to follow her out of the room. Kyouko watched her for a moment before trudging along after her.
"You know, if you wanted to talk shop about your worries for the future, you would've been better off hitting up Homura. She said it herself: she tries to make contingencies for everything. I'm sure she'd have better advice for you than just 'roll with the punches.'"
"I have talked with her." Mami stopped at the living room to stare at the girl sitting at her living room table, doing homework. "I guess I'm just not entirely convinced I'm gonna be able to make it."
Kyouko grunted as she mulled on Mami's answer. She tilted her head. "Do you at least trust us to stick with you through it?"
Mami looked around her apartment—at all the knick-knacks and decorations she had collected to stave the loneliness—only pausing when her gaze passed over Homura and Kyouko. She managed a small smile. "I trust you," she said quietly. "More than I ever imagined I would."
Kyouko voiced no reply but she wrapped a reassuring arm around Mami's shoulders. Mami closed her eyes and leaned into Kyouko's touch.
"Thank you for speaking with me, Kyouko."
A chuckle. "Hey, what are friends for?"
They shared that moment of quiet intimacy until it passed. When it did, Kyouko pulled away stretched.
"Well, today's a big day for you, so you shouldn't be late. Want me to walk you there?"
Mami turned her head slightly. "To my high school?"
A shrug. "Yeah, why not? Homura too, if I can convince her."
Mami thought for a moment before nodding.
"Awesome! I'll tell Hom. Tag in if it looks like I'm losing."
As Mami watched Kyouko walk up to Homura and the two of them begin arguing, she felt a strange feeling of comfort overcome her.
She still didn't know how to live her life. She still feared that she would spend the rest of her days with nothing to do. She was still convinced that an incident such as what happened this past week would happen again after she graduated high school.
What was her reason to live beyond simply surviving? She didn't know. She wasn't sure she'd ever find one.
But if Homura and Kyouko were willing to take the chance that she would, then she might as well chance it as well.
Mami smiled at her two friends, now both waiting by the entrance to her apartment. They smiled back with encouraging gestures. She strode between them and took the door knob in her hand. She hesitated for only a moment.
"C'mon, Mami. Can't just stand there forever."
She chuckled and shook her head. Indeed, she couldn't.
With a deep breath, she opened the door and took a step past the threshold.
End
Thank you to picardyThird for betareading.
I actually had an idea for something like this for a few years now but didn't have a concrete idea of how to write it until relatively recently. It was originally going to be about Homura, but part of me felt like it wasn't hitting the emotional beats that I wanted it to. After a month or so of failing to force the Homura-POV story to work, I switched the protagonist to Mami. Really, it could have been any of the three from the post-series timeline, but Mami just happened to fit the best. The interplay of her wish and her personal troubles just mapped onto what I was going for the easiest.