Hey, I had this idea a few nights ago after watching a 'Scully and Hitchcock being smart' moment. Then i thought of this idea.
Disclaimer: i don't own Brooklyn Nine-Nine, this is more of a crack fic and I'm on s2 ep 14 right now so bear with me.
It was a perfectly ordinary day in The Nine-Nine precinct. Amy was cthinking of a plan to suck up to Holt, Charles was writing his blog and Jake was writing down movie quotes he could use in real life.
Suddenly, they were ALL very rudely interrupted by a wail, loud and miserable.
"Oh come on, did someone get murdered in the bathroom AGAIN?" Jake complained, throwing down his pen.
"Betcha Gina's the perp again." Rosa snarked, earning herself a withering glare from Gina.
Hitchcock and Scully entered the room, tears streaking down their faces and their eyes red and puffy.
"All right, who's dead this time?" sighed Terry, taking out his notebook.
"The v- v- vending machine!" sobbed Scully, crying into Hitchcock's shoulder "It's broken!"
"Oh, relax you babies!" Gina told them "It'll be fixed in a couple days." She paused, thinking of something to upset them, due to a non-specific incident that had happened previously "Maybe a month."
"A month!?" screeched Hitchcock "But food from vending machines, coworkers and thankful citizens were the one reason we became cops!"
Gina rolled her eyes "If you wanted food, then why didn't you join the Mob?"
This comment caused Scully and Hitchcock to howl with laughter.
"Great joke, Gina." chuckled Scully, wiping his eyes.
Suddenly, their faces froze and they stared at one another, silently agreeing on something.
With absolute and utter calmness, Scully and Hitchcock walked over to his desk and took out their guns. Without warning, they shot the light switches and the room went dark.
...
Two hours later, Scully and Hitchcock hauled every cop in the Nine-Nine precinct (and Gina) in front of a Crime Boss, tied up in knots more complex than the 'Three Kingdoms' Era of China. They were in a penthouse apartment in what looked like a skyscraper that was decorated with solid gold and very uncomfortable-looking furniture.
"So." said The head of the Turkey Gang; Mike Smith, a tall red-haired man flanked by two bodyguards "You want to join us and be given high-ranking positions in exchange for the entire nine-nine precinct?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.
Hitchcock shrugged "Yeah, pretty much."
"Right." nodded Smith, signalling for his men to kill them "Any last words?"
They were as follows:
"Die hard forever!"
"**** you!"
"I ate Holt's sandwich!"
"WHAAAAAT!?!?"
"Make a statue of me so everyone can see my-"
"Tell my girls I love them!"
"You'll be brought to justice!"
"Seriously, Amy?"
"Wait!" Scullly told the bodyguards just as they were about to fire upon their ex-colleagues "We could use them as hostages. And interrogate them for info."
Nodding inn Agreement, Mike motioned for his guards to take them "Lock em' up downtown."
That was the last thing any of them heard before the guards knocked them all out.
...
Hitchcock and Scully learnt a lot over the next week.
Turns out 'Mafia' was a derogatory term towards Italians.
A precinct with no police was chaos. Seriously; riots, looting and running around naked ensued for days (Most of which done by the Turkey Gang, and The running around naked by Hitchcock).
They were really good at killing off rivals to quickly rise to the top (after assassinating their victims, they then proceeded to steal all their food, money and smut magazines without leaving a trace).
The Terrible Twosome also quickly proved to be excellent in criminal work. Mike favoured them quite a bit, even if Hitchcock never wore a shirt to work and some members began copying him.
Not only had they been very successful in extorting, blackmail, arson, robbery, etc, but they had also rooted out seventeen traitors in the gang and saved the boss's life fifty-seven times (fort-nine of those time was all under twenty minutes when they went on a skiing trip with him and there was an avalanche).
...
Two weeks after they had betrayed the Nine-Nine, Scully and Hitchcock both lay on a massive pile of donuts.
"You know." Said Hitchcock as he smacked his lips, which were covered in caviar "This is a pretty nice life."
"Yeah." Nodded Scully, munching on a donut "But we can get a better one."
"How?"
"Here's the plan..."
...
Fifteen minutes later, Scully was singing an Opera written by Hitchcock called 'Why you should betray Mike and Work for us' to most of the Turkey gang.
Many were crying. Some were sobbing. Others were absolutely bawling. Small puddles of tears flooded the Warehouse they were meeting in that soon turned into a small flood.
With a beautiful finish, Scully stopped singing and bowed to the crowd.
Immediately afterwards, almost the entire Turkey Gang were standing up and whistling and clapping and cheering at the top of their lungs, getting the bottom of their trousers wet in the flood of tears they had created..
"So." Said Hitchcock "Will you join the Hitchcock and Scully Gang?"
The crowd immediately gave enthusiastic answers.
"YEEEEESSS!"
"TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH!"
"THE NAME SUCKS!"
BANG!
"WE SUPPORT YOU!" They all cried, whooping at the top of their lungs.
...
After they ran Mike out of town, there was a huge gang war that lasted for an entire year. It was a great story that I won't write about, and eventually through their own skill and cunning, Hitchcock and Scully came out on top.
The people suffered. They had to pay protection Money. Turkey gang members could essentially do what they liked. Anyone who protested was forced to watch Scully eat disgusting food like Chilli mixed with chocolate Mousse in a particularly disgusting manner.
And they ruled like that for another fifty years, simultaneously taking over the entirety of New York and reaching the status of 'Oldest humans ever'.
Then the House of cards that was the gang fell apart as they all turned on each other, such are Empires with no clear leader.
...
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