Three months.
That's how long it had been since he'd had a proper conversation with her. Three long months of debriefings and counselling sessions. Three months of dating Seven, explaining more about Earth and its customs rather than helping her explore her humanity and their newfound relationship. Three months full of lonely dinners in grey Starfleet housing, wishing the vegetable casserole in front of him was burnt at the bottom because Kathryn had disagreed with the replicator again.
Three whole months and yet she didn't once look into his direction. Oh, she had greeted him with a friendly nod upon entering the ball, but that had been it. She had conversed with what felt like every member of the crew and every last one of the brass, yet she had not bothered engaging in a conversation with him at all.
He watched her circle the room, exchanging smiles and touches, while he nursed his drink and nervously tugged on his ear. He had to address her, if only to check that she was doing okay. B'Elanna had told him, in no uncertain terms, that his relationship with Seven was an issue for her and the majority of the crew, hence why many had kept their distance from him. He knew, of course, that they didn't understand, but he was enough of an adult for him to realize he didn't need their approval, either. It was his life and Seven was good for him.
He stood alone near the buffet table when the band announced the evening's last dance. He wasn't the best dancer, nor was he majorly keen on the exercise, but if he didn't grab this last opportunity Kathryn would leave without saying a single word to him. He put down his glass, hastily striding over to her. He didn't know how she did it, but somehow she must have noticed him approaching because as soon as he drifted near, she turned and looked at him quizzically.
"Commander?"
He smiled before pulling on his earlobe once again and slightly bent down towards her, almost as if he was bowing. "Care to do me the honor of the last dance, Captain?"
She observed him as if she was trying to decipher his intentions. He didn't have any intentions except for his need to be near her.
"We haven't had a chance to catch up…", he began to ramble, somehow trying to explain why he wanted to spend time with her and she nodded in understanding.
"You're right." She forced a friendly smile onto her lips while placing her champagne flute onto the tray of a passing waiter. "A dance sounds lovely, Commander."
Her repeated usage of his rank didn't escape his notice and he suppressed the urge to point it out to her. She clearly didn't wish to rekindle their friendship and Chakotay's heart broke at the thought. He had always valued the bond he had shared with Kathryn and he was more than just hurt at the thought that something as silly as a relationship with Seven had severed their friendship.
Kathryn brushed a strand of hair out of her face, giving him a (fake) lopsided smile before she let him lead her onto the dancefloor. The floor was buzzing with eager couples and Chakotay led them to a wider opening in the far corner. He held up his arms for her and Kathryn stepped into his grasp, but due to the lack of space their dancing position was somewhat sloppy and improper.
Rather than placing his hands between her shoulder blades, his hand nestled on the small of her back, pulling her closer than she should be. Although their combined hands were supposed to be slightly outstretched, they ended up close to his chest. The position made them look more like a cozy romantic couple than the professional work associates she clearly wanted them to be.
When the music started to play and they began to dance, Kathryn shifted even more into position. For a moment he thought he had felt his heart skip due to her close proximity. Her flowery perfume filled his nostrils, her hot skin warmed his own, and her soft yet elegant movements matched his to a tee. He had thought that Seven felt good in his arms but Kathryn felt like she belonged there. He had never held Kathryn before and yet it felt like the place in his arms became hers, as if it had always been hers. She just... fit, like a tailored suit or a perfectly molded glove - made to match him.
Unconsciously, his head sank down beside hers, brushing against her hair every so often while the grip on her back tightened, pressing her as flush against his body as possible. Kathryn didn't resist and for a few long seconds they just shared the intimacy of the moment.
"So, what did you want to talk about, Chakotay?" She broke the spell that had befallen him and he somewhat inched his face away to look at her. It was probably her perfume that was clouding his brain in combination with too much alcohol and too little food, but for a split second he just wanted to press his lips against hers.
Instead of making an utter fool of himself, he opted for the more appropriate and logical option - small talk. "Nothing... Everything... I just wanted to know how you're doing? What you've been up to in the last few months? I've barely seen you since we broke through the Borg conduit."
"I've been very busy with debriefings, just like the rest of the crew… Well, perhaps a little more."
As she spoke, her voice was soft and Chakotay struggled to not get lost in the sound of it. Oh, how he had missed hearing her voice. How he had missed those blue eyes and small freckles on her fair skin paired with that wicked smile which drove him crazy more than just once.
He quietly cleared his throat, telling himself not to let his thoughts run wild. She was his ex-boss. He had a girlfriend. There had never been anything more than friendship between them. He smiled at her admission that she worked herself crazy again.
"What else?"
An unreadable expression briefly flickered upon her face before she looked at him with a completely blank, and almost cold, expression. "Nothing else."
He knew very well that that wasn't true. She had been to Indiana, caught up with her old fiancé and considered getting a puppy. At the same time she tried very hard to become a friend to a large portion of their former crew, supporting their career choices while lending an ear to help ease their burdens. B'Elanna had told him this much.
"Surely you must have done something, Kathryn?" He tried again but she shook her head and looked away.
"No, just working. You know how I am… a coffee-drinking workaholic."
She tried to make it sound like a joke but it came out sounding rather miserable. He licked his lips and nodded. It was obvious she didn't wish to involve him in her private affairs. Perhaps their friendship had been more damaged by his relationship with Seven than he had ever imagined. But why would she act like this? If he had dated anyone else their friendship would have remained the same. It wouldn't have affected their dinners, their interactions, or their conversations. Why had she withdrawn so much since she had found out? Why had everybody withdrawn so much from him?
After a long pause, during which she seemed to find something behind him very interesting, she asked him in return. "What about you? How are you?"
"Good."
Her lack of further inquiry unsettled him, so he continued talking as he maneuvered them slowly across the dancefloor. Surely, she must have some interest in how he and Seven were doing. After all, they had shared their lives for several years on the same starship.
"Seven is making progress in adapting to Earth's society and I've been offered a permanent teaching position at the academy."
Kathryn nodded absently. "That's good."
"Yes, it is." He observed her, but no matter how hard he wished she'd show any sign of interest in him or his life, she didn't. The couples surrounding them as well as the mosaic floor seemed to be a lot more exciting to her. He chewed his lip, trying to find something to say that would ease this uncomfortable tension and still his wildly beating heart.
"Something wrong, Kathryn?"
Her gaze wandered to his shoulder and then to his tie. "No", she mumbled in a barely audible tone. Alarm bells started to go off in Chakotay's mind. Kathryn being dismissive AND quiet meant that everything was wrong. Whatever he had done that caused her to behave like this, it was bad. Very, very bad.
"You know, you can tell me anything. I am your friend."
With those words, she looked at him. "I told you already; nothing is wrong."
He nodded. Right.
Nothing was wrong. Clearly.
The fact that Kathryn had shut him out scared Chakotay more than anything he had encountered in the last several years. She had always, always, told him of her troubles and worries and the fact that she hid them from him, that she lied to him, frightened him more than he could bear. Not even putting a Kazon, a Borg, Species 8472 and a Hirogen together on one ship was as terrifying as this.
She had been the only constant in his life, a constant which he treasured more than anything. She had brought him peace and happiness, soothed his aching heart, made him re-evaluate his outlook on life, and gave him a chance to be a better man. She was the best thing that had ever happened to him, but he could feel her slipping through his fingers like a handful of sand.
Secretly he had loved her. He had waited for her to allow him to cross the boundary she had set for them both. He had spent years deceiving himself that she had felt the same, that she would, one day, let him become more than her first officer and friend. Over time he had given up hope. He had moved on and had found happiness elsewhere. Yet, now that she was in his arms, safe and sound, he figured that perhaps he had been a fool.
There was no 'moving on' from Kathryn Janeway. She had set the bar so high that no woman could ever reach it and become her equal. He had caught himself comparing Seven to Kathryn in the past months, wishing for her to be more like her former mentor, but she was just a poor substitute. He had placed Kathryn on a pedestal, had given her his heart and nothing, no matter how hard he tried, had managed to remove her from her place.
He wasn't sure if it was his thundering heart, the butterflies in his stomach as he had pulled her in for the dance, or the panicked fear of losing her that made him come to realize his mistake. He had never moved on from her, nor was he likely to ever do so. She held a place deep within him for eternity.
Carefully he pulled her closer and closed his eyes as his chin and cheek touched the side of her head. Telling himself he wasn't in love with her anymore was ludicrous. There was nowhere in the galaxy he'd rather be than by her side. The heartache and emptiness in the last three months should've been clue enough.
He was still holding onto her after the music had stopped and the horrible reality slammed into his face when Kathryn's small hands pushed him away from her. He had fooled himself and by doing so had ruined everything they ever had.
"It was nice seeing you, Chakotay", she whispered as she untangled herself from his hold. "I wish you all the best in future. Maybe one day our paths will cross again."
Confused, he blinked, rooted to the ground as she gave him one last look and a short, "Goodbye," before she turned and left him standing in the middle of the ballroom. By the time the meaning of her words hit him, she was gone.
Panic flooded his system. He looked around, trying to catch a glimpse of her, but she was nowhere to be seen.
She was gone.
Out of his life.
For good.
It was the quiet conversation of passing crewmen that made him remember where he was. Slowly, he moved off the dance floor, his gaze unfocused and his steps uncoordinated. He grabbed a drink off a passing serving platter and chugged it down in one gulp. As the liquid slid down his throat, he leaned his hand against the nearby wall, still trying to comprehend what had just happened. She had entirely severed the connection between them and Chakotay felt that if he didn't hold onto something immediately he might pass out.
It was a decorative plant which had shielded him from the view of nearby crewmen who were busy discussing him and Kathryn. Chakotay wasn't one to eavesdrop but the snippet of conversation he picked up was enough to make his head spin even further.
"...I would've thought the Commander smarter…"
"Yeah, me too."
"I mean, how blind is he to not notice that the Captain is upset about him dating someone else?"
"I think 'upset' is an understatement. Apparently, she fled with tears in her eyes into her ready room when she found out he was dating Seven."
"No way."
"Yes, way. Paris saw her."
"WOW... Chakotay is dumb."
"I know, right?"
The conversation between the two crewmen had ended as quickly as it had started, leaving a dumbfounded Chakotay behind, staring at a wall. No, no, what he had just heard wasn't true. Kathryn hadn't cried because he was dating Seven. There was no chance that she had had feelings for him. He knew that for a fact.
Determined to get his bearings again, he spun around on his heels and headed straight to the nearby bar. He didn't notice that he almost knocked Harry over or the confused look B'Elanna gave him when he didn't hear her addressing him. He willed his brain to concentrate on only one thing: whisky. He needed that right now. Lots of it.
The words he recently and briefly picked up still rang in his ears as he ordered a double shot. They mocked him, saying that if he would've been smarter, he might have stood a chance with her. He and Kathryn. They could have been together if he hadn't started dating Seven.
The last drop of whisky burned down his throat like acid. Seven's hand snuck around his side and pulled him closer to her. When he turned to look at her he instantly cursed himself for not noticing sooner that those weren't the blue eyes he'd wanted to look at for the rest of his life. They weren't the ones that he wanted to wake up to, to wipe tears away from, or the ones he wanted to watch as they grew heavy due to sleep.
He blinked as he turned away from her and swallowed hard, placing the empty glass onto the cold marble surface of the counter. His fingers trembled as they detached themself from the glass before finding a place on his forehead, trying to wipe away the dread that threatened to consume him. This wasn't right. Seven wasn't right.
He turned his head towards the door through which Kathryn must have vanished only minutes before. The door that separated him from the best thing that ever happened in his life. The door that parted him from the woman that he had loved like no other for seven goddamn years. The door behind which all his dreams and hopes had disappeared to. The door that had closed on him because he had tried to move on.
He cursed himself mentally for his stupidity, his hand brushing over his forehead one last time as if to calm himself before he suddenly dashed towards the door like a crazy person, ignoring a highly confused Seven and staring bystanders. This damn door wouldn't shut on him. Not if he had any say in it.
He ripped the door open so violently that half of the room stilled and stared in his direction when the sound of its metal handle slammed against the stone wall and reverberated throughout the room. This wasn't going to be their end. It couldn't be. He wouldn't let it be.
The evening air was crisp but Chakotay didn't notice. He glanced left and right, trying to figure out which way the transporter station was before he started to run. He had depended on running many times in his past. It had been the deciding factor between life and death but not once did he ever run as fast, as hard, or as determined as he did now. Now his everything depended on it and he was going to run for as long as it took until he could hold his Kathryn in his arms. If there was any chance to get her back he'd do his damndest to fix this or he'd drop dead trying.