Three months of torment.
Three horrible months of debriefings and fighting for her crew day in and day out. Three months of returning to grey quarters each evening with no one to turn to. Three months without a rock to hold her steady in place and keep her both sane and protected. Three months without anyone trying to lift her burdens and help her endure a new set of hardships. Three months of desperately trying to fill every waking moment with some activity or another just to stop herself from thinking about the thing, or rather, person, who was tearing her insides apart.
Kathryn sobbed as soon as the grand doors of the ballroom slammed shut behind her. She had known this evening would be hard on her mental state but she hadn't expected it to be like this. She had avoided him, them , for the entire evening and just as it all was about to end, he had dared to make a move. It was not the fleeting "hello" she had expected. No, it was a dance.
Common courtesy had forced her to accept the dance, but then she suddenly found herself in his arms, pressed against his body. For seven years she had wanted to be held by those arms, to be wrapped up in them at night, and be supported by them throughout the day. Seven goddamn years. And then, when they held another woman, the bastard had the nerve to pull her into them, too. Yes, it had only been for a few brief minutes but they had been enough to finally push her over the edge.
Kathryn wobbled towards the transporter station with shaky legs. She needed to get home to the safe haven she had created for herself. There were no memories of him there and it would be easier for her to breathe and cry over what she had lost. She had packed and expelled all of her items which were somehow connected to him. The box could be found in her mother's house in Indiana, hidden from sight in the depths of a closet. But now this dress and this evening were soiled with memories, too.
She had always hoped that it would end well for the two of them, for her, but once again she had been mistaken. It appeared that God saw fit to throw her one curveball after another. Once again, it caused Kathryn to wonder what she had done wrong to deserve all of this. First Justin was taken from her, then Mark, and now… now him. She just couldn't endure it any longer.
For the last seven years she imagined the day she saw Earth again would be the happiest moment in her life, and it had been, until she averted her gaze from the beautiful planet in front of her and turned around to see him, standing beside her . Just where the Admiral had told her he would be. She had thought her older self was playing a cruel trick on her to get her to comply, but at that moment she had realised that she had been telling the truth. Chakotay had moved on. With Seven, of all people.
'From that moment on, her needs would come first,' had echoed through her brain as she had escaped into her ready room, seconds before the first hot tears began to stream down her cheeks. 'He'd be by her side. Always.' What a lie that had turned out to be and she had been a fool for believing it.
Although she sobbed pathetically as she tumbled along the road, she was proud of herself for leaving the dance. Proud that she'd managed to sever their connection. Proud that she had finally managed to say goodbye. She needed to get him out of her system before a haunting darkness consumed her love life again.
How naïve had she been to believe all these lies? What else had she expected after pushing him away; over and over again? The childhood fairytales of true, undying, love were just a lie. A fantasy told to young girls to make the world seem less cruel. How stupid had she been to believe that she had found just it with Chakotay? Her fairytale prince charming; who would conquer and endure everything just to be with his one true love?! If she wasn't so heartwretchingly miserable she'd probably laugh at her own folly.
A curb, hidden by the shadows of the night, caused her to stumble and fall. She painfully twisted her ankle before her knees slammed onto something sharp on the hard surface. She winced at the pain and instinctively reached down to her exposed knee. Kathryn's fingers trembled as she covered the bloody gash. Her body slackened forward and she began to cry bitterly, not caring that she was sitting on a small street in the middle of San Francisco.
A waterfall of tears streamed down her face, as she slightly whipped back and forth, her sobbing sounds echoing through the unfrequented sideroad. Kathryn was at her end. Seven years had taken their toll and when Chakotay had left her side, it had been the final nail in her coffin. She couldn't do this any longer.
It was just as she had always feared. This had been the very reason why she had never let him see that she had felt more than friendship towards him. She had always known that it wouldn't be the Delta Quadrant or even the dangers of space that would break her in the end. No, she had always known that it would be her love for him that would make her crumble into pieces.
"Kathryn!" His dark voice pierced that night and for a moment she was sure she imagined it. She had drunk more than she was used to in order to endure the evening. When she heard her name called again, she cursed herself in between her wails, telling her brain to stop hallucinating. He wasn't coming to her aid. Not anymore. Not this time. Not ever.
"Oh my god, Kathryn. Are you hurt?"
Before she knew what was happening, he fell to his knees next to her, sweeping her into his arms. Kathryn broke entirely there and then. Her head fell against his shoulder as she began to cry uncontrollably, not hearing the soothing words he whispered against her hair. She was dreaming all of this. She had finally gone mad.
Chakotay's face was as pale as a sheet of paper as he clung to her tiny shaking frame. The one hand not cradling her body hastily explored her skin, checking for more injuries. Luckily the bleeding gash on her leg was not deep, but he guessed that she may have twisted an ankle with those heels. He was still slightly panting from the sprinting he did down the road, the dread and panic subsiding slowly.
"Kathryn, I'm going to lift you, okay?"
A tiny nod.
Chakotay wasn't sure if it was a nod of understanding or if it was a side effect of her shaking and sobbing body. Her small hand had taken hold of his tie, clinging onto it like it was a lifeline, hurting his neck, but Chakotay didn't care. Kathryn was fairly unharmed in his arms. He shifted them into position and as he had a firm grip on her, he hoisted them off the floor.
"Oh."
Surprised, she slightly leaned her head backwards and blinked at him with red, swollen eyes, not quite sure what was happening. Her makeup all smudged and she had obviously been crying for some time.
She almost choked on his name since her waterfall of tears kept flowing. "Cha..k….oo..."
"Ssshh. It's alright, I've got you, Kathryn," he mumbled as he hoisted her further into his grip before he began to carry her towards the transporter station. This wasn't how he imagined it would be like when he'd caught up with her, but he'd be a liar if he said he minded it. He held her in his arms and she was too weak to fight or push him away again.
The transporter station wasn't far and thanks to a very kind station master, who couldn't bear the sight of the crying woman, he had managed to get both of them transported straight into his apartment. He called for the lights before he gently sat her down on his sofa before rushing into the bathroom. She was still crying softly when he returned with a dermal generator to heal the cut on her leg and her twisted ankle.
He kneeled on the floor in front of her and watched her for a moment. She looked like she had been through hell and back. Not once had he imagined to see her so fragile and broken. Was this his doing? It clearly couldn't all be due to her fall.
He slid carefully onto the sofa next to her and pulled her into a tight embrace. He soothed her back and kissed her hair while he reassured her over and over that he was right here. That whatever the matter was he'd make it alright for her. For a few minutes they basked in each other's comfort and clung onto one another. The moment was then interrupted by the repeated beeping sounds of Chakotay's communication terminal.
"That will be Seven," Kathryn mumbled before she let go of him. She quickly wiped the remaining tears on her face with one hand before she tried to get a hold of her composure. She had let herself be swept off her feet by him like a damsel in distress because she'd been too weak to push him aside. How stupid was she? Hadn't she suffered enough? "I should go."
"No." He pulled her back against his chest. He'd never let her go again. "Let it ring."
She placed a hand on his chest to push herself away from him. "Chakotay!"
He licked his lips, before he turned to look at her. "I'll deal with Seven later. Let's just… sit here and talk."
She wiped her face again to eliminate some of the makeup streaks on her cheeks to salvage some of her decency. "I don't see what we have to talk about. I've said everything I have to say."
"I haven't... and I'm not letting you leave until you've heard what I have to say."
Kathryn pressed her eyes shut and bit her lips, trying to force her new wave of tears to stay put. He noticed her struggle and took hold of her hand. Hastily, she pulled it away, but he took it again with a firmer grip. She tried to pull her hand away again, but he wouldn't have it. She blinked at his determination and while he slowly sunk back onto the floor and onto his knees, her eyes began to glaze over again against her will.
"Kathryn," he began as he now held both her hands firmly in place with his, his eyes never leaving hers. He knew he was taking one hell of a risk by confessing his feelings, but if he wanted her back, he would have to be brutally honest about everything. "For seven years I have loved you. I had always hoped that when we returned to Earth you'd be open to a romantic relationship between us. To let us explore this... thing that's been between us from the day we've met. For seven years I have endured your rejections and refusals, stuck to the parameters you've set for us both, and respected your boundaries, but I won't do it any longer. Not anymore."
Confused, she looked at him. "What are you saying?"
The fact that she didn't slap him then and there before bolting out of the door made his heart swell with hope. Perhaps it wasn't too late for him, for them , yet. Perhaps he still stood a chance with her. He briefly toyed with her fingers, sorting the words in his brain.
"What I'm saying is… date me, Kathryn... Marry me. Have children with me. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life and I will not let you walk away like this. I promise to give you the stars if you'll just let me."
Those damn tears wouldn't be stopped and her lips quivered as she whispered, "What about Seven?"
"I made a mistake. A huge one… and I swear to the heavens that if you forgive me this error, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you."
He never thought he'd beg any woman to have him. Yet, here he was, on his knees, praying to every deity in the universe that he could and would fix this. Fix them . She pulled one of her hands out of his grip. It trembled as she placed it over her mouth, still trying to comprehend what was happening and what he was saying.
The confusion of it all was evident in her features. "Are you s-?"
"Yes." He reassured her, inching closer. "I'm saying I'm madly in love with you, Kathryn Janeway. Always have and always will be."
She briefly pressed her eyes shut, causing a few more tears to spill over and spiral downwards as she let his words sink in. He loved her. Still. She prayed that once she opened her eyes again, he'd still be there, that this was real, and not some cruel trickery of her brain. To her surprise and her relief, he was still kneeling on the floor in front of her, when she blinked herself back to reality.
Chakotay watched her battle with her emotions. He could see she was struggling to comprehend, still too shaken from everything that had happened. She hadn't said yet that she wanted his love, nor had she said yet that she returned it, but he felt like she might.
Carefully, he brushed his thumb over her hand, soothing her, caressing her. He could see that the scars he had inflicted were a lot deeper than he had ever dared to imagine and he will do whatever it takes to heal them. He had never intended to injure her. Upset her, perhaps. But not like this. His foolishness, his blindness and ignorance to her feelings had brought Kathryn down to her knees, crying.
As silence stretched to the room, he became restless. He couldn't read what was going on within her or what she was thinking. The longer she took to respond, the more afraid he grew of the moment. She wasn't taking her time in order to turn him down again, was she?
"Say something," he quietly begged. "Please."
She was still shaking slightly, her hand coming back down to meet his. Her fingers intertwined with his, her head sinking to watch their hands. For a moment, Chakotay watched their fingers too, but then he looked back at her. He needed to know.
"Kathryn, will you have me?"
She slowly lifted her head to look at him.
"Will you let me try and make you happy?"
She blinked, nodding faintly and a quiet "Yes," hushed over her lips.
His heart felt like bursting with joy. This was probably the best day of his life. His face instantly broke out in full dimples and he let out a sigh of relief before he began to chuckle. His happiness was evident. "Gosh, you scared me just then."
Regardless of her tears, she couldn't help herself from smiling. It was almost a wicked, teasing kind of smile. She pulled her eyebrows into a small frown as she grinned at him. Her voice was still weak, yet it couldn't hide the playful undertone. "You deserved it."
His broad grin seemed to spread from one ear to the other. "I will take any punishment you see fit, Captain , but first, let me do one more thing."
She raised a questioning eyebrow. "What?"
He got off his knees, his hand letting go of hers. With one swift movement he pulled her close to him, placing a hand on her soft neck and her slender hip as he sat down next to her.
"This," he gasped before his lips met hers for the first time. After the initial surprise of his action had worn off, Kathryn grabbed hold of his collar and pulled him flush against her. The kiss started out soft, tasting and exploring each other for the first time, before it became heated and passionate.
Chakotay's lips tasted bitter and of whiskey, while Kathryn's lips were hot and salty from the tears she'd shed. He swore himself then and there that he would never again have to kiss away tears that were of his own doing. He'd make her happy, from now on until eternity.
Always.
- fin -