It happened during the Netherfield Ball. The day that would change their lives. A blessing, if he had been a better man.
"He has been so unlucky as to lose your friendship...and in a manner which he is likely to suffer from all his life."
I couldn't take it anymore. I left her there with not even a backward glance and made my way to the library to cool my ire. I closed the door behind me and paced in anger.
Suddenly I heard the door open.
I could see the anger in her eyes. Of course I had just abandoned her in the middle of the hall and yet her words could not have been more surprising. "Mr Darcy, I apologize for antagonizing you in the middle of a dance, not only was it inappropriate but my words were unwarranted. I'm very sorry."
I had no response. She was all that was kind and I once again had shown her the worst of me.
"Good night Mr. Darcy" She turned and tried opening the door but the door would not open. The latch was stuck. She pulled and pulled and finally stopped. I could see her shaking. She turned to me and said "Sir, the latch is not working."
I offered my help but the door would not budge.
After a few minutes of utter silence, the door was opened from the other side to reveal Miss Bingley's maid Sarah, Mrs. Long and Charles. Seeing the maid and Mrs Long I knew immediately how things would work out.
The next morning, I saw to Longbourn for a private chat with Mr. Bennet.
Elizabeth and I were wed on December 15, two weeks after the incident that would mark the rest of our lives. She was so beautiful but her eyes betrayed her anguish and sadness.
Our wedding night was anything but traditional. "Elizabeth, given our circumstances I want you to know I will not be visiting your bedchamber tonight to...uh...consummate the marriage." A hard blush covered my face. "I will not force you to give me something out of some misplaced sense of duty. I want you to be happy."
She looked at me with astonishment. "Why?"
Did she really not know? "Because I love you, I care about you."
Her eyes betrayed her, and they told the truth, she really did not know. "But how? You don't even like me. You said I was barely tolerable, you disdain my family and friends, and you look at me only to find fault." She was completely serious.
All this time, I tried to hide my feelings so as not to give rise to expectations. It seems a did a very thorough job of that. Wonderful.
"Elizabeth, it may be hard to believe, given my behavior, but I have come to love you for a few weeks now. When I uttered those stupid words at the assembly, I was in a dark mood and I would have said anything to Bingley so he would leave me alone. The truth is I scarcely looked at you then, it was only after I saw you with Miss Lucas that I came to regret saying what I did. I would give anything to turn back time and have danced with you then." I smiled. "Then at Netherfield, I saw your love for the outdoors match mine, I saw you enjoying the same books I did, and I saw you taking prodigiously good care of your sister. You argued with me when other women never do in an effort to get my good graces and gain the title of Mistress of Pemberley. Your wit ran circles around Miss Bingley, and even myself as loath as I am to admit it. How could I have not fallen in love with you? My mistake was being too proud to show it."
Her mouth was agape and she was silent. I got up to leave her with her thoughts when she suddenly stopped me by grabbing my arm.
"I'm sorry, I did not know." She looked around and bit her lower lip while look in worry. But god, she looked tempting when she did that.
"At the risk of hurting your feelings and unburdening my own, I have to tell you..." she said in a whisper almost inaudible "...I do not return your feelings"
Though I had known, it still hurt to hear her say so out loud. I nodded and looked away.
"I'm so sorry sir. It is not my intention to hurt you" I could see tears collecting in her eyes.
"Please do not make yourself uneasy, I am reaping the consequences of my own actions" I tried to reassure her.
"But you aren't! If I had not followed you into the library none of this would have happened."
"Mr. Darcy, sir, I am truly so sorry" I nodded quickly and quit the room.
How can she continue to apologize for something that wasn't her fault. The pain in her countenance is clear. Tomorrow I will clear her of that misplaced burden.
The next night, after dinner I knocked on her door.
"Come in"
"How are you tonight?" She looked tired, her eyes red and puffy. She had been crying.
"Well sir, how are you?" Even in her pain, she enquires about me without sharing her burden.
"Well, I thank you...but I came here to talk to you Elizabeth." She looked at me questioningly "Yesterday you decided to take on all the blame for yourself and I cannot allow you to do that. Through my mistaken pride and sense of duty, I never let my feelings show and it was not your fault you were unable to decipher something indecipherable. Nor were you at fault for that latch breaking, if anyone is to blame, it is Bingley" I finished with a soft smile hoping to lighten the conversation.
She gave a wan smile and looked at me longingly. "I thank you sir, but blaming me or blaming Mr Bingley does not change our circumstances. What are we to do?" This last part was said with a hint of fear, that it made me want to hold her and whisper loving words into her ear. To tell her how much I love her, and that I would protect her.
Finally, my resolve found me, "Elizabeth, I know this is unconventional but I would like for you to get to know me. A courtship of sorts...though I don't know if it can really be called a courtship after we have already married" she chuckled and my heart felt lighter.
Though with a hint of trepidation, she looked at me warmly and said "I would like that very much Mr Darcy"
I smiled. "Please call me Fitzwilliam" and held her hand in mine for the first time.
She looked down at our hands. "Very well Fitzwilliam, how will we begin?"
At last I would broach the subject I thought to ignore. The very same subject that put us in this predicament. "The day of the ball, we argued about Wickham. I would like to tell you about my association with the man."
She nodded and gave my hand a light gentle squeeze and so I began.
"Mr. Wickham was the son of a very respectable man..." I then proceeded to tell her about all of Wickhams perfidies, debts, and even Georgiana's plight. The tears ran down her face as soon as I finished Georgiana's story.
"Pray, how is Miss Darcy?" an urgent voice came from within her.
"She is much better now but also much more quiet and reserved than before as she has trouble trusting people after that betrayal." I looked out the window, hoping to hide the pain in my words.
She held my hand and apologized most vehemently for believing Wickham, but how could I blame her when my sister and father were also deceived.
For the next few nights we talked, I gave her a tour of the townhouse, we went for walks and she became acquainted with the staff.
We celebrated Christmas Day with my sister for the first and only time... and we were a family. I had never been happier. She showed Georgie such love, my heart fell deeper for her.
On New Years Day we walked to the park. The snow was stacked quite tall from the previous night. Suddenly ice hit my face and I looked at my dear wife who had the largest grin I had ever seen in her since we married. I grabbed some snow and made a snowball of my own and attempted to hit Elizabeth but she moved too fast. Those walks have certainly helped her agility.
I figured the only way I would get my revenge was if I could incapacitate her, so I ran after her, grabbed her from the waist and tickled her until she couldn't move.
Soon she turned around and faced me laughing and kissed me in her joy. She didn't realize what she had done for as soon as her lips left mine, she turned bright red and her eyes widened in shock. Before she could apologize, I grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her close and kissed her soundly. Pouring all my love into that one kiss. My heart knew love. Elizabeth was my salvation, my everything.
When we separated to catch our breaths, we looked at each other. Her eyes sparkling with affection and her mouth giving the most perfect smile, and suddenly she said the words I most longed to hear. "I love you Fitzwilliam"
My heart stopped at that moment and I forgot to breathe, but it did not matter. She loved me. Nothing else mattered. She loved me.
That night we finally became husband and wife.
In late January we decided to make our way to Pemberley, taking Georgie with us.
Soon after we arrived, Georgianna sought to have a private meeting with me. She seemed nervous.
"Brother, while I was in town I have to tell you I heard something that I think you should know about"
She proceeded to tell me there was talk of Elizabeth deliberately compromising me. Talk of a footman being paid to break the lock of the Netherfield library door just enough so someone could walk in but not out. The story got worse. Apparently she had a liaison with Wickham and everything was done in a conspiracy with him. They were seen shortly after our engagement was announced on his arm at Longbourn's garden.
This had to be a falsehood. It had to. Elizabeth was too good for that.
But then why did she follow me that night. She never sought my attention before, only that night. And she defended Wickham most vehemently. No, my Elizabeth would never do that.
Over the next few weeks I could not stop my worries and suspicions, nor could I stop myself from analyzing every single word Elizabeth uttered.
Things got worse. I got colder, I stopped coming to her bed. Georgiana saw my treatment of Elizabeth and took that as confirmation. Soon she also started to ignore Elizabeth. Even the staff became as courteous as was least possible.
One day well into February, she came into my room. Her eyes showed comingled despair and anger. She asked me if we could talk about our problems. I stayed silent.
"Why haven't you visited my bed?" My ire grew with resentment. Why does she need me in her bed when she could have Wickham. How dare she?!
He did not answer her. Instead asked his own question.
"Pray tell me the truth, did you talk to Wickham the day after our engagement was announced? Did he go see you at Longbourn?"
Her brows furrowed. "Yes he came to Longbourn, though I don't think he went to see me specifically, he came along with the other officers" she answered confused.
"Were you alone with him in the garden?" I had to control my impulse to accuse her.
"Yes but it was only for a short while, and he only wished me luck. He still very much disliked you and implied I would be miserable by your side"
"Why did you never tell me? Why did I have to hear it from someone else? And pray why did you follow me that night of the ball into the library? You never sought me out before? According to you, you never even saw my interest so why then were you suddenly interested in me that night?" My voice grew louder with each question
Elizabeth looked scared and confused. "Why are you asking me all these questions? What is this about?"
Cold and detached I answered. Telling her of the rumors of her compromise.
Of course she denied everything.
"I love you Fitzwilliam, I would never do that to you. I would never conspire with anyone let alone Mr Wickham, please I beg you...please believe me" she pleaded with tears in her eyes.
I stepped out and made my way to my study. How could I have let this conniving woman make a fool of me? But no, it wasn't her. It was Wickham who made a fool out of me. He got his revenge just as he said he would.
The next day I made the choice to leave Pemberley and head for London with Georgianna. I refused to be in the same house as that woman, as I began calling her. I did not plan on going back. I would prove to her all her plans were for naught. She would remain isolated in Pemberley with little pin money and no company. That was the best she could hope for.
Starting in March, Georgianna and I finally started seeing the outside world again. We went out to the theatre, the park, and had visited friends. They all asked after that woman, and they were all told she was ill.
She missed her dear sister's wedding to Charles Bingley due to her illness. When Jane wasn't happy with my excuse, Charles inquired further. He was not happy with me. He argued there must be a misunderstanding but it was of no use. I knew the truth, or so I thought.
In late May, after his honeymoon, Charles asked me to meet him at his home urgently. He said he looked into the matter and found some disturbing information. The maid, Sarah, who opened the library that night walked into the room along with a footman. After instructing them to tell me their side of the story my heart dropped. I could look no one in the eyes and held my head down. What had I done?
Charles continued speaking. "If we confront Caroline, of course she will deny it. We will set up a meeting between Sarah and her while we hide and listen. Only then will we confront her."
And so an hour or so later, Miss Bingley was in the study after receiving a note from her maid to meet her there. The maid, a wonderful actress by the way started "Miss, I fear someone will find out we tried to compromise Mr. Darcy that night at the ball. I have heard rumors about Mr. Darcy and a compromise."
Miss Bingley shushed her violently. "If you keep quiet, no one will find out it was us. Those rumors you've heard are about Eliza Bennet compromising him. I told his insipid little sister I had heard those rumors and then made her promise not to tell him it was me who told her, and just like her brother, she has a stupid sense of honor." She smirked.
At these startling words, my anger rose, and just as fast, fear overcame me. Elizabeth. What have I done? Oh god.
As soon as we confronted her, Miss Bingley denied everything. She screamed and pleaded and blamed Elizabeth for ruining her future, for taking what was supposed to be hers. What a pitiful sight. Charles banished her to Scarborough immediately afterwards.
I willed myself back to Darcy House. As soon as I stepped in my study I covered my face with my hands and wept. I had no right to weep, it was me who hurt Elizabeth. It was me who turned everyone against her, who abandoned her, who isolated her from her family, who withheld my love from her. I did not trust her, when she had done nothing wrong.
The next day I told Georgianna everything. She cried and apologized and in between sobs pleaded to return to Pemberley to seek Elizabeth's forgiveness. My legs never moved faster as I instructed the staff to pack our things to leave at first light.
I did not sleep that night. Fear engulfed me, the recollection of her tear stricken face haunted me.
After several days, I finally stepped out of the carriage and took a fearful step inside Pemberley.
"Good day Mr. Darcy, shall I prepare a bath sir?"
"Yes please Mrs. Reynolds" I wanted to ask about Elizabeth's whereabouts but figured it would be best for me to think about what I would say when I saw her.
Once I finished my bath I knocked on her chamber door and received no response. She was not in her study or any of the sitting rooms either. Finally I found Mrs. Reynold "Mrs. Reynold, do you know where I can find my wife?"
Mrs. Reynolds looked confused. "Sir, I though she was in London"
"What do you mean, we just came from London." A strange feeling rose in my chest.
"Yes sir, a little over a month ago she asked the carriage driver to take her to Lambton. She said she was meeting a friend there who would be taking her to London where she would meet up with you."
A different fear engulfed him this time. He ran to her room and there he found a letter on her dresser, it was addressed to him.
Fitzwilliam,
I do not know if you shall ever read this. Perhaps you never planned on coming back for me. Perhaps you will be too happy to have me gone, you wont ever trouble yourself to read this letter, but I will write you final words of parting nonetheless.
You've continued to throw in my face despicable accusations, your own sister loathes me, and your staff do not care if I live or die. I am done sir. I cannot plead anymore. My body has run out of tears and my heart cannot find the words to have you believe me. You have not answered any of my letters and I am done pleading. I cannot take it anymore. I gave you everything, and you threw it away. My heart is gone. I am empty now. I am numb.
You do not want me anymore so I will relieve you of the burden and remove myself. You will never see me again. Declare me dead so you can remarry, I care not anymore. I cannot care anymore. If I let myself continue to care I will surely die. So I will not care anymore.
I am sorry it was not me who could make you happy. I do love you, no matter how little you believe it of me. But I cannot go on loving you anymore. It will kill me.
Goodbye,
Elizabeth
Despair. The woman I love, the love of my life, gone.
I looked for her. I had my cousins and Bingley look for her, hired men to look for her but no one had any clue where she went. It had been more than a month since she left, no one remembered a thing. She was gone.
First Christmas without her. Georgiana and I spent it alone. I excused myself after dinner and retreated to my room. In my cups I remembered last Christmas and wept. "Elizabeth, I'm so sorry. Please come back, please I beg you. Please." I spoke, hoping the wind would deliver my words to her ears.
A year without her. I continue looking. Hopeless, all of it. Sometimes I think she would come back if only I was gone. I would do it in a heartbeat if that were the case.
2 years gone. All her family has shunned me, including Charles. I cannot blame them. I know they cannot hate me more than I hate myself.
3 years gone. Georgiana has moved in with the Matlocks. I have become a recluse and they are worried for her. I cannot give her anything, not a family, not love. I do not deserve anything but the same isolation I inflicted on Elizabeth.
5 years gone. My family has tried to push me out into society but I cannot bring myself to even smile in anyone's presence. Everyone thinks my wife is sick so they will not mention her name and assume that is the reason for my mien.
10 years gone. Sometimes I wondered if I she was ever real? Did I imagine her? But no I didn't, this love I feel is real. Nothing is more real. The happiness we once shared was real.
15 years gone. My aunt Catherine passed recently. She never got over me marrying Elizabeth. She continued to demand I declare her dead and marry Anne until her final days. If she knew Elizabeth mentioned the same thing, she would have pushed harder.
20 years gone. Georgiana came to visit today with her husband and children. My niece reminds me of my mother, she is the spitting image. My mother would be proud of Georgie...and ashamed of me.
25 years gone. I visited Georgie in town for the daughters presentation. The night before, we went to the theatre and came across a familiar looking face. I was sure I had never met him before. Georgiana was struck mute, glanced at me and then glanced at the man repeatedly. On our way out, she managed to stop him and ask his name.
"Bennet ma'am, nice to meet you, and who might you be?"
Taken aback by the revelation of his name, she managed to regain her equilibrium quickly "Lady Georgiana Grey". After a strong sigh meant to help regain her composure she asked "Pray I feel I know you from somewhere, may I ask who your mother is?"
The young man looked at her questioningly and responded "Elizabeth Darcy".
Georgiana gasped, and dropped her hand from his arm. Scared that others saw her discomposure, she asked "May I call on you? I know your mother, I would like to get reacquainted."
With sadness in his eyes, he said, "I'm sorry, I cannot help you get reacquainted with my mother."
Her eyebrows furrowed, afraid he knew who she was and was trying to keep her away. In a moment he uttered the most heartbreaking words Darcy would ever hear.
"You see, my beloved mother passed away a year ago. That is my reason for being in town. I am visiting and staying with my aunt Jane for a few days, getting my mothers affairs in order."
Georgiana glanced a look at Darcy, with an utter look of despair in his eyes. He ran back into his box into the darkest corner where he could hide and no one would see the tears falling from his eyes, or the way he tried to regain his breath, or the hand that clutched his heart as if he was trying to hold the pieces together before they fell.
Dead. She is gone. Gone and she never knew. Gone, feeling unloved and unwanted. Gone.
Georgianna found him afterwards and they made their way back to Darcy House eventually.
The next day found them outside Bingley's townhouse after many decades. He felt like a young man again standing in his door step.
They sat with Bennet in the drawing room. His son. Our son.
He began Elizabeth's story. Elizabeth was pregnant when she left Pemberley. Bennet and his twin sister Jane were born a few months afterwards. Elizabeth got a position as a lady's companion for a few years until her employer passed away. After which, they left for America where she found work as a teacher at an all-girls school. She loved teaching so much and did such a fine job that the philosophy department was named after her. Shortly after, she became sick. Cancer, they soon learned. She passed in her sleep and was interred in the local cemetery of her neighborhood in Boston, Massachusetts. Bennet said he was in England to meet his mothers family and divide some of her belongings.
Georgianna started telling him who she really was and he interrupted her, "I know who you are, I know who you both are." He stared. "My mother wrote me a letter, telling me the truth. She told me what you all did to her, why my father" he pointedly looked at me "was not with us. About her leaving and her fear that if you knew about my sister and I, you would take us from her."
What?! How could she think that of me?
But how could she not? After all I did to her, after the way I treated her, was it really so unbelievable? No, it wasn't.
I asked if he would consider moving to England to take up the estate since he was my heir. It was an excuse, I wanted to know him, wanted one last connection to Elizabeth, wanted some of my family back. God knows I don't deserve it but I am a selfish being.
He refused. He had a job and an intended back in America and he was to take over her fathers estate in New York.
I asked after his sister. He said she could not travel as she was recently married and was with child. A child. I was to be a grandparent. Oh how bittersweet! Why couldn't Elizabeth be here to experience this joy? It wasn't fair. She deserved this, not me.
I organized everything to move to America permanently. Pemberley would go to Georgianna and I would buy a home in America in New York. I will not lose my family again, I decided. I visited my son and daughter as soon as I stepped on land. I told them the whole truth. I told them I never stopped loving their mother even after I broke her heart. They forgave me. Like their mother, their kindness knew no bounds. I had a family, finally. A month later my daughter gave birth. A beautiful baby girl with the most wonderful eyes, aptly named Elizabeth but they called her baby Beth.
Soon afterwards I visited Elizabeth's grave for the first time. I wished the ground would swallow me so I could be in that casket with her resting eternally. Maybe on the other side we could finally be together. Maybe on the other side I could love her like she deserves. On the other side we would be a family, and we would have many kids, all running around noisily down Pemberley's halls. On the other side we would be happy.
God gave me 10 more years of life. I knew my children, I knew many of my grandchildren. I had a family thanks to Elizabeth, and as much as I loved them, I looked forward to my final day on earth.
I just wanted to see her, and if the other side didn't exist then at least I could rest in an eternal dream where she existed and we were together.