Editor's Notes:
Before you read, just a few things you should know.
Megane 6.7 always used prose instead of script in his host segments. However, since I want to keep the overall style of these archives consistent, I made the difficult decision to transcribe the host segments into script. While I did try to do the best I could in conveying the actions and emotions he expressed in prose. I still may have made some errors which I apologize ahead of time for. If you want to see the original prose form, Megane 6.7's old archive, Msting for All Seasons, is still relatively accessible.
Second, despite MST3K's own mantra of 'just relax', I still feel the need to create a continuous timeline of events in-universe. Therefore, I have inserted dialogue in the host segment that makes it clear that this is the first anime fanfic that Joel and the Bots are forced to read. So do not confuse then as Mr. Megane's own lines.
While we are on the topic of chronology, a few of the riffs do count as anachronistic given the year is supposed to be 1991. Afterall, it would not do, to cancel out the most important part of a MSTing, the riffs, just for the sake of my foibles.
Finally, this one has been rated T, due some the Bots' (particularly Crow's) raunchier riffs.
Enjoy!
*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(Where applicable)
[Season 3 opening credits]
In the not-to-distant future
Next Sunday A.D.
There was a guy named Joel
Not too different from you or me
He worker at Gizmonic Institute
Just another face in a red jumpsuit
He did a good job cleaning up the place
But his bosses didn't like him so they shot him into space!
"We'll send him cheesy fanfic!
The worst we can find! (la la la)
He'll have to sit and read them all
And we'll monitor his mind!" (la la la)
Now keep in mind Joel can't control
Where the fanfics begin or end (la la la)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends
Robot Roll Call (all right let's go)
Cambot! (Pan left)
Gypsy! (Hi, girl!)
Tom Servo! (What a cool guy!)
Crooooow! (Oh, wisecracker!)
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
And other science facts (la la la)
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a MSTing
I should really just relax"
For Mystery Science Theater 3000!
[Instead of the Bridge of the Satellite of Love, we cut right to the Lab in Deep 13]
[Dr. Clayton Forrester is examining the read-out of a scale, upon which stands T.V.'s Frank. Said man has looked to have gained a bit of weight.]
DR. FORRESTER: Eureka! It works! [rises a fist into air] And those smug, snobby, dietitians and nutritional know-it-alls think they're better than me?! HA!
FRANK: Do you think it will wow them Dr. F?
DR. FORRESTER: Of course, it will Frank. If that insignificant pimple in the buttcrack of the universe, Joel Robinson, can come up with a better invention than me this week, why I'll... I'll...
FRANK: Come up with a better one next week?
DR. FORRESTER: Well, of course- [suddenly] BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT! Joel thought he was REAL cute trying to invent something last time that appealed to the riffraff out there.
FRANK: You mean, his bottomless salad container?
DR. FORRESTER: Yes. But my point is, TWO can play at that game. If he wants to play hardball with me, my baseball bat awaits his pitch. Oh yes. [rubs hands together] Call them up, Frank.
[Bridge of the Satellite of Love]
[Joel, Tom, and Crow are all behind the counter]
JOEL: Good evening, sirs.
[Deep 13]
DR. FORRESTER: Greetings, my little Lemmings! Are you ready to fall off a cliff, build bridges, and even blow yourselves up to please your favorite player?
[SOL]
JOEL: [sarcastic) Just point and click the way, sir.
CROW: Do we still win if only 50% of us, survive?
[Deep 13]
DR. FORRESTER: (chuckling) I'm glad to see your sense of humor hasn't diminished boys. It will make my victory all the more satisfying when I blow you out of the water with my latest invention. But where are my manners? You may go first, Joel.
[SOL]
JOEL: Uh... okay. [pulls a microphone out from behind the counter] Over the past few years, old rock bands have been coming out of retirement to cash in on their lasting popularity. Unfortunately, some of these bands no longer possess the golden throats they once had. Now, I don't want to mention any names, since I'm not the type to *KISS* and tell, but these bands, great as they were, just can't reach those high octaves anymore.
[holds up the cordless microphone]
TOM: Now, thanks to this, all those bands will be able to sound exactly the same as they did in their prime! Inside this microphone is a special filter that fixes any and all problems with harmony, diaphragm control, dynamics and word emphasis of the voice being used to sing. You simply program the song into the mike with the help of this little keypad…
[Joel opens a little compartment in the side of the mike where the numbers 0-9 are visible.]
CROW: The tiny microchip contained in the base of the mike has a complete data record of every song in existence. You just push in the number and start singing.
[Deep 13]
DR. FORRESTER: Interesting... but how do you tell the microphone which section, the person singing, is in?
[SOL]
[Joel opens another compartment on the opposite side. There are four switches marked alto, soprano, tenor and bass.]
JOEL: Right there, sir. This mike takes care of everything. I've decided to call it, M.I.K.E!
CROW: (aside) Why does that seem like foreshadowing?
JOEL: M.I.K.E stands for Mighty Impressive Karaoke Emulator.
TOM: What do you think, sirs?
[Deep 13]
DR. FORRESTER: (low laugh) Well, Joel, my invention is for all those people out there who want to lose weight.
[Walks over to a large treadmill where Frank, still bloated, gasps for breath as he runs in place.]
DR. FORRESTER: As you can see, I forced Frank to eat triple helpings of his breakfast, lunch and dinner for the past two weeks. Now, he is running on this treadmill, trying to work off the weight, or so it would seem. However, [adjusts his glasses] muscle is heavier than fat and thus he would GAIN some weight before he started to lose it. Do you follow me so far, Joel?
[SOL]
JOEL: [warily] I think so...
[Deep 13]
DR. FORRESTER: Now, this treadmill has a special computer that measures just how long and how hard Frank has to use it in order to gain some weight right up until the point when he starts to lose some weight. Then, once it has processed this information, the treadmill then proceeds to run normally until the subject, Frank, begins to lose some weight. Once that happens-
[The treadmill suddenly comes to a halt. Frank gasps, falling to his knees.]
TREADMILL COMPUTER: YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT. DO NOT USE THE TREADMILL AGAIN UNTIL SPECIFIED.
[SOL]
JOEL [scratching head]: I don't get it?
[Deep 13]
DR. FORRESTER: Frank's workout is done for the day and as you can see, he's very happy about it, as will most overweight people be glad that they don't have to run anymore. A couple of days will go by, during which time the overeater will be dying to pig out, and then the machine will tell him to run again, only to stop when the user begins to lose weight again. The process continues until finally the user gives in to his cravings or the person slowly gains enough weight to have a heart attack and die. Either way, the world will never be the same again, until they surrender to ME that is! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
[SOL]
[Joel and the Bots give each other a 'this guy is a total loon' look.]
JOEL: Oh, that's evil, Dr. F... really...
[Deep 13]
DR. FORRESTER: Glad you think so. Now for today's experiment, I've decided to shy away from giving you another film and instead am sending a fanfic. However, after last week's Gamera film, you'll be staying in the Land of the Rising Sun, with another one of its creations: Japanimation!
[SOL]
TOM: (furious) Oh, you pleb, it's called anime!
JOEL: [to Tom] (comfortingly) Easy there Tom. [Back to camera] Actually sir, that doesn't sound too bad. I actually used to watch the old Astro Boy series when I was a kid. In fact, it was one of my inspirations to one day build my own robots.
CROW: I'm just thankful, that you didn't build us with butt cannons.
TOM:(calmed) Not to mention, I've been keeping up on all the latest series and films out of Japan. And I gotta' say, some of the animation those studios produce is just magnificent.
[Deep 13]
DR. FORRESTER: Well, I love to disappoint, fire hydrant, but this isn't Studio Ghibli quality stuff you'll be reading. The fanfic this week is 'The War' by M. Llave, it's based on the comic and show Ranma ½ which has gotten quite the following in the States. Enjoy! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! Send them the fanfic, Frank.
FRANK: (gasp)... I... I don't think... (wheeze)... I...[passes out]
DR. FORRESTER: (sighs) They just don't make assistants like they used to. Now I know how Mr. Peabody felt.
[SOL]
TOM: (irate) Comic?! It's a manga you dickweed!
JOEL: Uh, Tom? Any idea just what this Ranma ½ is about?
TOM: (calmed) Well how can I sum it up? Does the phrases gender bender and harem anime mean anything too you?
CROW: [intrigued] I'm listening.
[Lights flash, buzzers buzz and pandemonium erupts.]
JOEL: You'll have to tell us on the way. WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!
[JOEL slams random button]
TOM [as he's running]: It all started when a teenager was thrown into a spring…
[We cut to the opening door sequence]
[6][5][4][3][2][1]
[Inside the theatre]
[JOEL carries TOM to his seat on the left, while CROW sits to JOEL's right]
TOM: …and so now he's cursed and has three fiancées.
JOEL: Gee, and I thought we were in a bad situation.
Nihao!
I'm M. Llave.
TOM: (singing) For I can't help falling M. Llave with you.
CROW: Buildings burn, people die, but real M. Llave is forever.
This is my first fan fic, well actually my third but the others got
erased due to a computer problem.
JOEL: More like a blessing in disguise.
CROW: Hey, maybe Windows 95 isn't so bad after all!
TOM: Windows 95... the only program that lets you multicrash.
Well since I don't know much about writing pls. Send your comments
to me about this fan fic I made.
TOM: (as John Cleese) If you don't want to talk about my fanfic then
piss off!
All comments good or bad I shall accept, pls.
JOEL: Plus? Please? Pupils?
CROW: (a la D-Day) This bitch is highly sensitive. We're talking TNT on PLS!
Mail your comments at ***Philonline .ph
CROW: *** Philonline. Only $29.95 a month for 90 hours with Phil!
I hope you enjoy!
The War
CROW: Well thanks, and I hope you enjoy The Famine.
JOEL: I'm particular to The Pestilence myself.
TOM: The purpose of war is to serve itself... kinda like a buffet!
Nabiki looked at the horizon in front of her. She had not seen the
horizon from the location she was on for a long time.
JOEL: (as Nabiki) Come on, daddy! Lift me higher! I wanna see the parade!
TOM: (as Soun) D-Don't you think you're getting... *grunt*... a little too old for this... *gasp*...
Her thoughts were full of hatred yet her face did not show it. She wore
a red beret on her head (which made her look cute to some people)
CROW: But comical to her friends.
JOEL: She's joined the Guardian Angels.
TOM: (singing) 100 girls will fight one day.
ALL: (singing) But only THREE... make the red BERET!
and a pair of binoculars around her neck. Her face glistened with the
sun's dull yellow rays hitting her sweat.
CROW: Wouldn't that boil her alive?
Her arms legs and body were a little bigger now,
JOEL: Arms have legs?
CROW: Whoa, Nabiki's bulking up!
showing evidence of her lifting heavy things;
CROW: Gentlemen of the Jury, I ask you to take note of the bulges on her arms and legs, clear evidence that she has in FACT been lifting heavy things! Is that not true Miss Tendo?
TOM: (Nabiki, crying) Yes, it's true, it's all true! Damn you, Buns of Steel! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
yet her beautiful figure had never changed.
CROW: One of the reasons I now Llave anime women!
JOEL: Now that I think about it, that name sounds vaguely familiar. Didn't Minmei sing a song with that name in it?
CROW: That's "Do you remember *LOVE*". I was thinking of that Mariah Carey song.
TOM: Oh! DreamLlaver!
Beside her was Ranma, his face was hard and strong. It was evident
that he was serious and angry about something.
TOM: (as Ranma) First, the fan writers put me with my mother, then I had to marry Cologne and now I'm even falling in love with some brat named Usagi! Someone's going to pay for this!
His face bore remnants of his past battles.
JOEL: He should really take a bath more often.
CROW: (Ranma) Hey lady! Wanna see my scars?
Below the two in the APC 10 hired mercenaries rested at the moment.
JOEL: Oh, Nabiki's teaching courses now?
TOM: (Nabiki) This... is Ranma. This... is a bucket of water. Splash THIS... is an exploitable resource. Any questions?
"It as been a year Ranma since we came back here.", Nabiki said
braking the silence.
TOM: Woah, girl! Ease off the cola!
CROW: Didn't your father teach you any manners?
JOEL: Nope, just how to sob and kowtow to old perverts.
"Yes, it has been a long time.", Ranma said quietly. "I think our
search for Akane and the others will be over soon.", she said.
TOM: Judging by the stench of their rotting flesh, I'd say they were pretty close.
Ranma did not react to this and he slowly went into the APC. *** Ah
there he goes again. As silent as he was when he found out about what
happened in Nerma. Oh well I think we should be off. ***
CROW: Pretty stars... pretty stars...
JOEL: You've been watching too much Dragon Half, CROW.
TOM: (Ranma) Need any help getting off, Nabiki? No, really, it's no trouble at all.
Nabiki went into the APC and ordered a mercenary,
JOEL: (Nabiki) Give me a mercenary with bacon and cheese, a side order of grunts and hold the hostages!
"Lets go, drive!", she said.
JOEL: Drive. Half-brother of Wedge from Final Fantasy.
"Yes commander!", he replied.
ALL: COBRRRRRRRRA!
The APC went across the vast waste land towards Nerma. They
stopped five miles from it to take a rest for the night.
Nabiki hid under dinning table.
CROW: There's a dining table in the APC?
JOEL: Maybe Dining Table is the name of one of the mercenaries. Hey, if someone's named Drive, there's a good chance Dining Table is somewhere around.
TOM: (Nabiki, under the table) As your fearless leader, there's no risk I won't take! Now YOU get out there!
She was happy that her work papers were surrounding the whole table
so she could not be seen.
JOEL: Here we have Miss Nabiki Tendo, she's trying not to be seen.
TOM: That's right. It's not the battles, or the wounded, or the screams of the soldiers under your command dying that makes war hell. It's the paperwork.
CROW: (Nabiki) I can take a bullet just fine, but those papercuts REALLY sting!
*** Akane, Kasumi, dad where are you hiding? *** Akane's foot steps
went rushing near the table, then a harsh voice yelled at her.
TOM: (as Akane) I'm trying to hide so I send my footsteps to tell you to shut
up so we don't get caught!
"You come with me!", a short sturdy looking soldier yelled at Akane.
JOEL: (as soldier) Don't make me bite your kneecaps!
"No way!", Akane shout as she kicked him out of the dinning room
and into the pond.
TOM: Now she'll have to be penalized a stroke.
A large splash was heard and soon Akane yelled for her sisters and father.
"Kasumi! Nabiki! Dad! Where are you!?", she yelled.
CROW: And where's Scooby Doo?!
JOEL: (as Kasumi) We're under the furniture dear, be a good girl and beat up the nice men in cammos.
Nabiki was about to answer her sister's yell when she heard a dozen
foot steps walking near by. The sound of the cocking of machine guns
filled the air.
CROW: Grunts who have sex with their firearms. On the next Donahue.
*** Oh my! Akanes dead! They're going to shoot her! *** Nabiki
was about to grab Akane's foot to drag her under when a voice yelled,
TOM: If she's already dead, what does it matter if she's shot?
CROW: She's only MOSTLY dead.
JOEL: (Akane) Don't shoot! I'm getting better!
"Hey you! You must go with us or you shall die!", a soldier pointed
at Akane.
JOEL: (solider) Do as I say or I'll yell BANG!
"I'll NEVER go with YOU!", she shouted as she made a flying
kick towards the mob in front of her.
CROW: So, I guess she's not a goer. Eh? Know what I mean, nudge, nudge, wink, wink?
JOEL: Say no more.
TOM: Please.
The sound of a machine gun firing for a second filled the air.
Akane's shriek of pain soon followed it.
JOEL: (Akane) Ouch! My ears!
CROW: (as sleazy ad exec) There's something in my eye! Oh... spits bullet...
Her body fell hard on the ground as she shouted in pain. The first
lt. Punched the guy who shot Akane.
TOM: And for years to come, the readers would remember exactly where they were and what they were drinking the day Akane was shot.
"You STUPID fool! Our orders are to capture all the women unhurt!",
the lt. yelled at the shooter.
TOM: (as Kuni) STUPID! YOU'RE SO STUPID!
CROW: If they wanted the women unhurt, why'd they send a shooter?
JOEL: Maybe the shooter had a *shooter* before he began?
"Oh come on Sir its just her leg. We came still fix her up later!", the
soldier who shot Akane said on the floor.
TOM: (solider) Don't mind me... Just taking a short break...
Akane continued her yells of pain and agony.
TOM: (as Leonard Nimoy) PPPPPPAIN! AAAAGONY! OH, PPPPPPAIN!
JOEL: Jeez! Get that girl an aspirin!
CROW: Or at least some Preparation H!
Nabiki tried to stop herself from getting out of her hiding place and
crying, for she knew if she was heard it was also the end for her.
JOEL: (singing) It's the end of the world as she knew it...
She clinched her fist in the anger of the fact that she cannot do
anything about Akane's grief.
CROW: (tearful voice) What good are these hands of mine?
TOM: (deep voice) They look like strong hands... don't they?
JOEL: She dared not act in the proper tense for fear of being grammatically correct.
The soldiers started to carry Akane away. She yelled for help as she
was being dragged out of the room.
TOM: Carried? Dragged? Which one?
The cries of Soun and of Kasumi could also be heard in the house hold.
TOM: (Soun, a la, Rocky) Akaaaaannnneee!
JOEL: (Kasumi) Would you like some tea before you take us away?
Nabiki tried to stop tears from falling from her eyes yet she could not.
She could not take the pain of hearing her family being taken away, she
clenched her fist.
JOEL: Again? She's just asking for arthritis.
She knew that this might be her last moment on this earth, yet she knew
that all she had was her family and no one else. She bent her knees to
jump out under the table when, TOGGG!
ALL: (as The Tick) SPOOOOOOOON!
Two feet landed on the table with a loud slam.
CROW: You think the feet are heavy? Just wait till the rest of the body arrives...
JOEL: I wonder how many times the author dropped a pair of feet unto a table before he decided on TOGGG!
TOM: BAM! No that's no it... CRASH! Nope, try again... BADOOM! No sir, I don't like it... PLINK! No, no, no...
"Stop Insolent Fiends! Bring back my beloved Akane Tendo!",
Kuno yelled on top of the table.
"Kuno Babe!", Nabiki yelled in her mind.
TOM: (Nabiki) They say we're young and we don't know! But I got you, Kuno Babe!
CROW: Joel, do humans yell in their mind a lot?
JOEL: Hmm... now that I think about it... not to my knowledge.
The soldiers looked at the katana wielding man on the table. Half of
them continued to bring Akane out of the room as she yelled for Kuno's
help;
JOEL: While the other half clapped and sang along.
TOM: (Akane) Save me Kuno-Chan! I promise to be your darling Akane from now on! Honest! You know I've always LOVED your poetry! Waiiiiiiiit!
the other half pointed their weapons of destruction at Kuno's direction
and had their fingers on the triggers. Kuno knew what he was to do.
TOM: (as Kuno) Step One: Proclaim myself the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High. Step Two: Wait for flash of lightning and rumble of thunder to make me look cool. Step Three: Prepare to smite thee.
JOEL: (Kuno) Step Four: Get the living crap beaten out of me.
He jumped up the table and shouted "DIE FOOLS!", as he was
landing on them to release his wrath.
CROW: How the hell do you jump and land at the same time? I can't even walk and chew gum that way!
The sounds of six machine guns filled the air. Kuno's yell resonated
around the room together with two soldiers.
ALL: (Kuno and soldiers singing) Good night, my Coney Island, BAYBEE...!
A bloody severed hand and the ends of three fingers fell on the floor.
JOEL: Cool, finger foods!
TOM: You idiot! I said I wanted three fingers of *SCOTCH*
CROW: (English accent) Bloody severed hand! Never keeps his mind on his work, always daydreaming while twiddling his stubs...
TOM: Oh, how cruel are the fickle fingers of fate...
As the two soldiers shirked and screamed at what they saw
TOM: (soldiers) Sixty bucks! We paid sixty bucks to see a guy bite someone's ear off!?
was once a part of them but now was on the floor, the other four looked
at Kuno in amazement. They knew they had shot well over 20 rounds
point blank on his body yet he stood there not bleeding.
CROW: Oh my god! Kuno is a Breen!
JOEL: Of course he's not bleeding! He has to drink a glass of water so dozens of holes can comically spill water out of him...
TOM: Maybe he's related to B.P. Vess?
Kuno seeing that the rest of his enemies were dazed took into action.
He ran up to them and started slashing the soldiers into pieces. The
shouts of great pain went across the room as Kuno waved his sword.
ALL: (soldiers) GREAT PAIN! GREAT PAIN!
CROW: (soldier) Ooh, do that again! Oh yeah, this beats the hell out of the usual whipping from the dominitrix down the street!
TOM: Cheaper, too!
JOEL: Guys…
Machine guns screamed once more,
CROW: Machine guns screaming? Mercenaries named Drive and Dining Table? What's this world coming to?
TOM: A screeching halt?
JOEL: Good, I want to get off.
CROW: (Nabiki) Hey, wait your turn, bub!
yet their projectiles carved at a wall and not at Kuno.
TOM: Maybe the soldiers are Imperial Stormtroopers without the armor?
Kuno screamed in anger as he charged again. A lone scream from a
soldier sounded within the room as a shot was fired and all became silent.
Nabiki curled up into a ball and cried, she had lost another friend.
She stopped crying as sleep went over her.
CROW: (Nabiki, sobbing) It's... It's so sad... yawn... I've lost everyone that I care abou... ZZZZZzzzzzz...
Nabiki awoke. Her tears were fully dry and the sun's rays made the
paper covering the whole of the table glow a bright yellow.
ALL: (singing) Good morning SUNSHINE... the WAR says HELLO...
She realized where she was and what happened the night before. She
unthinkingly gets out under the table. As she put her hand out to touch
the floor, a cold and sticky liquid greeted her hands.
CROW: Sayyyyyy...
JOEL: Don't even THINK about it, Crow. Just let it pass.
TOM: Semen? You're soaking in it.
JOEL: Tom!
CROW: That was MY joke, Tom!
TOM: Heh heh heh.
She moved her head out to see what it was.
TOM: She's a turtle!
JOEL: (singing) Na-bi-ki is really neat!
CROW: (singing) Na-bi-ki is full of meat!
ALL: (singing) We all love you, NA-BI-KI!
Her face grew pale as she beheld what was before her. The carcasses of
humans. Kuno's carcass was on the floor, his head was bleeding.
TOM: Fortunately, the rest of his body was unscathed.
CROW: Those soldiers aren't too bright shooting Kuno in the head. There's no vital organs there!
Nabiki could not shout,
JOEL: She couldn't let it all out.
TOM: Jokes like that we can do without.
CROW: Come on!
TOM: We weren't talking to you.
JOEL: Come on...
she had never seen such a hideous sight in her life. She was a stiff body
looking at the dead people and at Kuno.
CROW: If she's a stiff, I can only imagine the sights she's seeing right now.
TOM: 'Flatliners' comes to mind.
JOEL: (Nabiki) Being a stiff sucks! I can't get comfortable!
She looked at Kuno, she felt something about him, yet she did not know
what it was. She felt she had to tell he something before he passed away.
CROW: (Nabiki) K-Kuno... The pig tailed... girl and R-R-Ranma are... o-one... and... the... the... *croaks*
She did not know, she could not think.
JOEL: Nor did she realize, determine or discover.
TOM: SHE'S FRIGGIN DEAD ALREADY!
CROW: She's becoming like Kuno!
All that was in her head was that she was before men who have lost
some limbs and other body parts.
CROW: That's right. The dead come first. The rest of you bleeding and wounded soldiers will just have to be patient!
JOEL: Pvt. Hicks just croaked, move him up, move him up!
CROW: You with the ruptured spleen! BACK to the end of the line!
She looked at one soldier who was closest to her. Suddenly Kuno
whispered, "Akane", very weakly.
JOEL: (Kuno) Give this... Rosebud... to Akane...
Nabiki quickly turned her head towards Kuno's direction and screamed.
TOM: Brad Pitt SHE'S ALIVE! SHE'S ALIVE! NABIKI'S ALIVE!
JOEL: She must have survived by eating the other dead soldiers.
CROW: And you call ME perverted, Joel?
She quickly stood up and hit her back under the table, causing it to flip
over. She shrieked at the pain of hitting the table and bent down and
touched her back.
CROW: I'd shriek in pain too if I hit my back and it flipped over.
JOEL: Ouch! That's a heck of a spinal realignment!
She massaged it for a while and then starred at Kuno. He was
twitching his hand very minutely. Nabiki slowly crawled near him.
She freightendly put her hand on Kuno's back to shake his seemingly
lifeless body. "Kuno Kuno are you alive?", she said frightened
and weakly.
CROW: (Kuno) No! Now leave me alone!
TOM: (Kuno) Pardon? I didn't hear the question.
JOEL: (Kuno) I refuse to show signs of life until I built enough dramatic tension...
Kuno moaned and grabbed a dagger from his robe. He swiftly stabbed
the floor,
TOM: (Kuno) SPAWN OF REDWOOD! I SHALL SMITE THEE!
barely missing Nabiki's other hand. She screamed, her loudest ever,
her longest ever, she let go of all her fears with that scream, a scream
that alerted Kuno back to his senses. He quickly stood up and looked
at the screaming woman. He shook her yet she did not stop her
terrifying scream.
JOEL: I wonder how much Wes Craven paid Nabiki for the free plugs?
TOM: Strange. I have a sudden craving for ice cream.
CROW: In space... no one can hear Nabiki.
He shook her harder yet she still did not stop. He knew that she was
nearing the verge of insanity, he did not want to do what he was
thinking.
CROW: Why not? She's been doing it to him for years...
TOM: (Kuno) I wonder if Kodachi would mind sharing her room at the asylum...
*** I am sorry fine Nabiki Tendo, but I can't have a mad comrade in
this time. *** He opened his palm and swung it at Nabiki's cheek.
PACK!
JOEL: ...ard Bell sucks?
CROW: ...up your troubles?
TOM: SMACK! Nope, no good... KAPOW! Doesn't swing... SLAP! Too onamonapia, try again... PACK! Perfect!
CROW: CAPOW! Well, that didn't work either. I guess I better jus' GRIT my teeth and bare it.
Nabiki had stopped her screaming. Her head was facing the direction
where Kuno's hand had left her face. Her eyes did not seem to see
anything. Her tears started flowing. She dropped to bloody floor.
TOM: The reader is getting tired. Of all these clipped sentences.
CROW: Bloody floor. Located conveniently between skin and bone. Be sure to check out our FABULOUS selection of tissue, vessels and clots, along with a VAST variety of cells...
Kuno felt a piercing pain on the side of his head.
CROW: Uh oh. He may have a brain tumor!
JOEL: You need a brain for that.
CROW: Oh yeah.
He reached his temples with his hand. He felt cold blood on his head.
TOM: (Kuno) Sasuke! This blood is cold! Reheat it immediately!
He slowly moved to feel hi ear. He stopped his movement and his eyes
grew large. He could not believe it, he just could not believe that the
upper part of his ear was gone!
TOM: (Kuno) Oh, that's right! I got into that fight with Tyson last night!
CROW: That reminds me of another tasteless joke. What did Evander Holyfield say after the referee told him he had won the fight by DQ?
JOEL: What?
CROW: Exactly.
He quickly put away his hand from his ear, he did not want to know
what else did he lose.
CROW: (Kuno) My shirt... it is GONE! NOOOOOOOOOOO!
He looked down and shook his head, try to forget about his ear. He
looked at his once beautiful robe. It had a lot of holes from the bullets
that hit him last night. He saw grateful that he had all his arsinell
under his robe.
CROW: Uh... If I were Kuno... there's one VERY important part of my arsenal under my robe that I'd want to protect at all costs.
JOEL: Yeah, his half-naked pictures of the pig-tailed girl.
All his blades and swords were under his robe,
TOM: Uh, I think the author's got Kuno mixed up with Mousse.
acting as a bullet proof vest to all the bullets that had hit him.
JOEL: Yeah, who needs Kelvar when you've got wooden bokkens?
CROW: (Kuno) My bokkens... I love them SO MUCH!
TOM: Ick.
He wondered what was the last thing that happened to him the night
before.
CROW: Let's see... he called out TOGGG! for some weird reason... his feet landed on the table... he played *blender* with the soldiers until one of them picked him off... he tried to assassinate the floor... considered doing something bad with Nabiki and then slapped her with such force, it made
a loud PACK! sound, which incidentally, is about three times louder than a sonic boom...
All he remembered was that he had taken the life of the last soldier
who opposed him, and something hitting his head. He sat down as he
leaned on the wall and starred at the sky outside aimlessly. A few hours
passed by and the two did nothing.
CROW: Whatever hit him, it sure wasn't a clue.
TOM: They picked a helluva time to veg out.
JOEL: (as director) Psst! Nabiki! Your line is: *Let's go save my family!* Anytime you're ready...
CROW: Maybe it's one of those moments of introspection they put in all the *serious* anime...
Nabiki glanced at Kuno. She saw that the upper portion of his right
ear was gone and he had a bleeding wound on his head behind the ear.
JOEL: OK guys, I call no more Tyson jokes.
CROW: How about Mick Foley?
TOM: Don't forget Beethoven.
JOEL: Beethoven didn't lose an ear! He just went deaf.
TOM: Okay... Freddy Pharkas?
JOEL: That's better... I think.
"Kuno", she said frail.
TOM: *Kuno* or *Frail* which one did she say?!
"Yes Nabiki Tendo", he said indispare.
TOM: Make up your mind! Choose ONE.
"Your head is bleeding.", she said.
TOM: Thank you!
"It is not thy head yet thy ear."
"No no its your head. The wound is behind your ear.", she said while
shaking her head weakly.
TOM: No no, it's not thy head yet thy ear!
JOEL: (Nabiki) Wait a sec, whose head?
TOM: (Kuno) Thy ear and it's... wait a sec... I...
JOEL: (Nabiki) My ear's fine, it's your head I'm worried about...
TOM: (Kuno) Wait! What were we talking about again?
CROW: Skip it.
Kuno forgetting his thoughts in the past hours put his hand once more
on his head.
TOM: (Kuno) H-hey! What with all the bloody corpses?
CROW: And what's that terrible smell?
He felt a painful smirk as he touched the beck of his right ear.
CROW: The pain beckoning him.
JOEL and TOM: (singing) He's a loser baby...
He slowly ripped a portion of his robe and tied it on his head.
TOM: God, I hope it was the upper portion...
CROW: I'll bet he's got boxer shorts with a picture of Akane and Ranma-Chan imprinted on each buttock...
JOEL: Either that or "Home of the Bokken".
He cursed under his breath as he tightened the makeshift bandage on his
head. Nabiki looked at Kuno and said, "Oh Kuno babe your hopeless,
you missed the wound by a mile."
TOM: In Canada, he would have missed it by 1.6 kilometers.
CROW: So?
TOM: Just wanted to point that out for our non-metric readers.
CROW: Oh, okay.
She stood up and walked towards Kuno. She took the piece of robe of
his head as Kuno cursed her in pain.
CROW: How does one curse in pain?
JOEL: Maybe he means putting a curse of pain on her?
TOM: Just have him recite some of his poetry... that'll do it.
""Your Coarse Woman!", he shouted at Nabiki as she tightened the
bandage even more. Nabiki banged her tired body on the wall beside
Kuno. She leaned there for a few minutes until she broke the deafening
silence.
CROW: (looking feral and foaming) She's banging her tired body and Kuno's just sits there and watches. My GOD!
JOEL: CROW!
CROW (hissing) BITE ME!
TOM: Call Tyson for that. I hear he's available for the next year or so.
"If Ranma was here they would have not taken Kasumi, daddy and
Akane away"
TOM: That's good. Nabiki. Way to boost someone's confidence.
CROW: (Kuno) I resent that remark! Even if it is probably true!
JOEL: Did anyone notice she didn't mention Genma being taken?
CROW: Who'd want him?
TOM: What?! Genma Saotome running away from the face of danger?! I... I'm at a loss for words...
JOEL: Be careful, Tom, or you'll overload your sarcasm sequencer again.
"Ah silence woman! If Ranma were here he would have just ended up
where I am standing!"
TOM: That doesn't make sense... does it?
CROW: He could be speaking metaphorically.
TOM: Ended up where I am standing... ended up... standing...
JOEL: Forget it guys, that sentence is too cryptic to riff.
CROW: ...where I am standing... this is going to bug me all day...
"Why did you try to stab me earlier?", Nabiki asked, her voice more
serious.
TOM: (Kuno) It was my SNAPPY answer to your STUPID question!
"I thought you were one of the fiends I left alive!" "...Ah Kuno babe.
Thanks for saving my life last night. Thanks.", she said with a
small smile on her face.
"What?", Kuno asked her, as he looked confused at Nabiki.
ALL: SHE SAID "AH KUNO BABE. THANKS FOR SAVING MY LIFE LAST NIGHT... THANKS!"
"I hid under the table while you fought the soldiers."
"You hid under the table, while I fought the soldiers?!", he said in a
confused yet angry voice.
JOEL: (Nabiki as Ralph Macchio) I also shot the clerk.
CROW: (Kuno) You shot the clerk?
JOEL: (Nabiki as Ralph Macchio) I shot the clerk?
"...Yeah", she said quietly, as she recognized the tone of his voice.
Kuno stood up and got Nabiki by her shoulders and slammed on the
wall.
CROW: (Kuno) Ooof!
TOM: (Nabiki) Uh, Kuno babe? Is this REALLY the best time for a wall bang? Besides, I think you've got it backwards...
"You hid there while YOUR sisters and father were being taken away!
CROW: (Nabiki) Hey, I fought hard to keep the nuns and priest safe but then I got tired! So sue me!
You Hid there while they TOOK AKANE!", he yelled furiously at her.
JOEL: (Nabiki) Uh, yeah. You see, Kuno babe, I have this little problem called 'wanting to live' and it tends to creep up at the worst times...
Nabiki's tears started to flow slowly. She suddenly burst into tears.
Her face looked on the floor then...
TOM: ...on the ceiling.
CROW: Nabiki Hey, there's Lionel Richie!
"Commander! Commander!, the Koreans are attacking!", a voice
yelled outside her tent.
TOM: (Nabiki) Koreans, you say? I suppose you'll be telling me next that the sky is falling!
CROW: Wait a minute... when did Nabiki end up in a tent? And wasn't Kuno about to kick her ass?
JOEL: Well, let's read the next paragraph and find out...
Nabiki jerked up her sleeping bag all covered in sweat. She knew she
had dreamt of the past again. The sound of gunfire soon filled the camp
site. She dressed up quickly and ran out of her tent.
CROW: Shouldn't she be hiding under the table again?
TOM: Aw, man! So, from the moment the APC stopped for the night, Nabiki's been having a flashback?
JOEL: Nice of the author to tell us in advance, eh?
TOM: Plot twists are one thing but give us a little warning next time!
"Where are they?!", she yelled at the mercenary who woke her up.
"To your left Commander!", he replied.
She turned her head to look. She saw dozens of lights flashing which
where quickly followed by the sound of gunfire.
"Give me the pig!", she yelled at the mercenary as she turned to face
him.
TOM: (Nabiki) Make yourself useful, P-Chan!
CROW: And while you're at it, Piggy, give me the conch shell!
JOEL: What would Kermit say?
He handed a MP5 to her thinking she could not lift such a heavy gun.
ALL: (singing) Big Guns!
TOM: MP5... I'll bet it has a much better compression ratio than an MP3.
*** Stupid new recruit! Doesn't he know I can lift that damn piece of
metal ***
CROW: (Mercenary) Hey, how's you read my mind? Are you psychic or something?
"Hand me the M60! Can't you understand Japanese!", she yelled.
JOEL: Well, I've watched a fair bit of subtitled anime but I've only mastered a few choice words...
TOM and CROW: (as Lum) Da'cha!
"But.", the mercenary said.
She pushed the man away and grabbed the "PIG" from a compartment
in the nearby APC. She lifted the heavy piece of metal and waved it
screaming out bullets across the horizon.
TOM: (as gun) Owowowowowowowie! These little pieces of lead are HOT!
Men started to shout in pain and fell on the cold waste land.
CROW: (starts humming the theme to Platoon)
JOEL: (as men) Our fillings are KILLING us! Somebody call a dentist for god's sake!
She made the handling of the "Pig" look so easy, as if the thing did not
weigh anything at all.
TOM: P-Chan's pretty lean for a little porker.
CROW: (as Nabiki) Why it's almost like it's out of ammuni... oh, poopy.
The new mercenary looked at her in surprise. He had never seen a
woman carry and use successfully such a heavy weapon as that. Nabiki
walked closer to the amazed man and said, "You better give the gun to
me or...
JOEL: Why is Nabiki asking for a gun she's already holding?
Out of nowhere in the dark might bullets hit at Nabiki.
TOM: MIGHTY might bullets!
CROW: (as bullets) Take that and that! We're gonna beat you up with our little fists...
She fell on the ground having two bullets hitting her stomach.
CROW: (bullets) That's it! Work her midsection over! Harder!
The new mercenary was pretty shot up. He had most of the bullets
fired at them.
JOEL: (mercenary) Hey, Nabiki! Check out all the cool bullets trapped in
my body! *BLAM* Hey, another one! Free souvenir! Woo hoo!
The soldier who had shot the two went closer to see who had he shot.
CROW: (soldier) Ah, crap! There go two more of my comrades! I never should have left my contacts at home!
"Yeah! This guys pretty dead! Shit! I killed a woman! And a damn
very beautiful one!"
CROW: (soldier) Curse this damn very war! Curse the damn very politicians!
,he said as he staired at Nabiki's fallen body.
CROW: Then the guard sadly turned away and slowly climbed the stares to search for other intruders...
He saw something shining near Nabiki's waist, some sparkling object.
CROW: Jeremy?
TOM: Mrs. Frisbee?
JOEL: Is anyone getting these obscure references?
He then realized what it was. "OH SH...", was the last he said as
Nabiki's gun fired.
ALL: (Muted trumpet imitation) Wah-wah-wah-wahhhhhh.
TOM: First rule of war. Beware of very damn beautiful women with guns that sparkle.
CROW: From the people that brought you *Sparkling Ketchup!*
Nabiki added two new holes to the soldiers head with her revolver.
TOM: I guess that means he's holier than thou. Thank you!
She pulled her self up with the "PIG" and removed her jacket off her
body.
JOEL: First, Akane, and now Nabiki. Man, P-Chan is one lucky pig.
She poked at the two bullets that stuck to her bullet proof vest.
*** Dumb Korean, thought I would go to battle without this! ***
He stomach felt a little soar from the shots she took.
CROW: Still, her heart sored as she realized she was still alive.
TOM: We need a thesaurus here, stat!
She was glad she always did crunches to strengthen her abdomen.
TOM: (Nabiki) Man, these Nestle bars are great! *crunch* Mmmmmm!
She turned her attention to the gun fire a few dozen meters away
from her. Ranma squeezed out the last bullets of his assault rifle and
ran towards the enemy.
CROW: About time Ranma showed up again! Where's he been, anyway?
Hand on the barrel he smashed its stock dreadfully on the soldiers face.
JOEL: (Nabiki) Oh geez, what a wussy shot! Come on, put some power into it, Ranma!
The soldier screamed in pain as the stock smashed into pieces on his face.
CROW: Balsa wood is hell.
He dropped on the ground unconscious. Ranma continued his reign of
terror at the soldier in front of him. He ran filled with anger at them,
TOM: When did this turn into a Dragon Ball Z fic?
not feeling the bullets pass through his arm. His uppercut launched a
soldier up into the air
CROW: (Ranma) SHORYUKEN!
as he crushed another soldier's arm with his leg.
The screams of extreme pain and agony as Ranma beat them up.
JOEL: Translation: Ranma felt the bullets pass through his arm.
TOM: (Ranma) YEEEEEEEEOUCH! There's a piece of skull stuck in my hand! Get it out! Get it out!
He did not stop his thrashing at the soldiers even if they were laying half
dead on the floor.
JOEL: (as Joe Besser) I'll... harm... youuuuu!
TOM: War... what is it good for?
CROW: Absolutely nothing.
He was merciless, he did not feel any sorrow for the soldiers. He
became a cold blooded killing machine.
TOM: Looks like Johnny 5 finally went over the edge.
CROW: (Ranma) WHERE IS SARAH CONNOR?!
Nabiki saw what he was doing and quickly goes into action. *** There
he goes again, into that evil state ***
ALL: (singing) OOOOOOOO... KLAHOMA, where the wind comes sweeping down the plains...
Her passionate soul could not bear what he was doing.
"Ranma! Ranma!", she yelled.
ALL: (singing) Help me Ranma! Help, help me Ranma!
Ranma looked at her and she continued her speech, "Their dead
already! Leave them alone!", she said quite pleadingly.
TOM: Why? They gonna get up and tell him to knock it off?
CROW: He can't stop yet! That soldier's baby finger is still twitching!
JOEL: (Ranma, whiny voice) Awwww, but I wanna show off my cool Ki attacks!
He looked at the half dead people in front of him, and did not regret on
what he had done. All he had thought about when he beat up the
soldiers was Akane. What has happened to her. What have they done
to her. His imaginations of the evilest things they could have done,
CROW: Making her read this fanfic?
and is she all right. It was the sole reason why he had come with Nabiki,
to get Akane back.
TOM: Hey guys! It's time to go.
CROW: Huh? But the fanfic isn't over yet!
JOEL: And that's a BAD thing?
CROW: Good point... still, aren't we ending this a bit abruptly?
TOM: Heh, we ran a *little* too long with the intro.
JOEL: Yeah, I stayed up late setting up my invention and I need some shut eye. Besides, the Mads still have to push the button.
TOM: Let's just get out of here guys.
[Joel picks up Tom, the three leave]
[1][2][3][4][5][6]
[DEEP 13]
[Dr. Forrester is examining the still overweight Frank]
DR. FORRESTER: There's no two ways about it Frank... I'm going to have to slice off your love handles.
FRANK: Wait, Dr. F! Can't you just perform liposuction?!
DR. FORRESTER: Sorry, Frank. This show has a set budget and if I exceed that, I don't get my annual bonus. [picks up a pair of rusty scissors]
FRANK: B-but, think of the mess!
[Dr. Forrester pauses]
DR. FORRESTER: You have a point there. Go find some newspapers to lay on the floor and when you pass the control panel, push the button.
FRANK: (glum) Yes, sir.
[Frank walks over to the recycle bin, giving the button a low five along the way]
{psssssscht}
[The screen goes black}
[Roll Credits to Mighty Science Theater]
Special Thanks to:
The First Amendment
The Teachers of America
MSTied 1997 by:
Megane 6.7
Disclaimer: MST3K and related characters/settings/situations are the
property of Best Brains Inc, however they had nothing to do with writing this up.
This mystification was done for the express purpose of entertainment,
and is not meant as a personal attack on the original author(s) in any
way.
"She knew that this might be her last moment on this earth, yet she knew
that all she had was her family and no one else. She bent her knees to
jump out under the table when, TOGGG!"
Keep Circulating the Fanfics.