Things were new. Saito sat still, that was not new to him. He meditated under the Sakura tree. Not to clear his mind. No, what was new now was that he meditated on a pair of beautiful brown eyes, soft brown hair, and an iron will hidden by an abundance of kindness. Chizuru was an incredibly determined woman.
He thought of how she'd run to gather troops so that they could have help at the Inn. She'd run a long way and then into the heat of the battle to help. Even after how they had treated her as a prisoner for so long. She didn't hesitate to come to their aid.
Aid that Heskue had needed desperately. Had she not done what she had they would have been horribly outnumbered and Heskue would have died. It was a startling fact to realize someone so small and so kind had determined the outcome of the battle.
He heard the door to her room open and her greeting Harada in her sweet soft tone. He didn't understand why his stomach twisted a bit. He set that aside for the moment, determined to sort through his thoughts one by one. He then listened as her footsteps disappeared in the direction of the kitchen.
He held an impassive look on his face. He decided he liked the fact she was preparing breakfast for him—no them. Where did that slip come from?
He tried not to sigh audibly and failed. Once he gave up the battle against himself it was an easy surrender. One that brought peace. He was attracted to Chizuru. And, to his dismay, he admitted to a streak of jealousy. He had wanted to be the first to greet her this morning. He wasn't worried about his feelings though. He knew he could keep that feeling well regulated. After all, it was about discipline and self-control, and he had both in abundance.
He knew he wasn't the only Captain attracted to her. That unsettled him a bit. He wondered which one of the other Captains would date her. He knew he wouldn't pursue her. He was a trained killer even more than the others. When Hijikata needed someone assassinated, the task always went to him. He was not bothered by that fact. He liked that he was able to be relied on.
And so he meditated on his feelings for her, the woman he couldn't have, but would protect. Just like the night at the inn when he ran a man through with his sword to keep her from harm. And there he let out a small smile. He would serve her and keep her safe. That made him — content.
And so a week passed and he led patrols, practiced with his katana, and spent time at the compound. And Chizru was always there. With her steady presence and her easy smiles.
There was a knock at his door, and he called for whoever I was to enter. The door slid open, and Chizuru appeared with tea for him. "I thought you might be thirsty after practicing for so long Saito-san." He noticed a slight flush to her cheeks.
"Thank you." He replied and took the tea from her hands. She then bowed and hesitated before leaving. "Did you need something?" he asked.
"No!" She then took a deep breath and then let it out slowly. "I meant that I am fine Saito-san. Thank you for asking." She then bowed and left him there drinking his tea.
He let a soft smile appear on his lips once she left. He enjoyed it when she did thoughtful things for him. She also made exceptional tea.
Chizuru was silently berating herself. Why couldn't she keep her feelings under control? And why in the world did she have feelings for the last man who would return them? He didn't need her or her tea. He was exacting in everything he did, and while most of the other captains couldn't make decent-tasting tea, Saito's was exceptional. He didn't need a single one of her skills.
She made her way to her room, shut the door, and sat to think. She had to get her feelings under control. She knew she was going to start making it evident that she had tender feelings towards him, and that would be –embarrassing. After all, she had only made tea for the vice-commander and Saito. Ugh! She groaned internally. It was always difficult for her to hide her feelings.
She stood, washed her hands and face in the bowl of water she kept in her room, and dried them. She then attempted to fix her appearance without the aid of a mirror. Next she left to continue to perform her duties and worked to keep her feelings under tight control. It was quite difficult to admit she needed to be more like Saito in controlling her emotions.
What she did — since concealing her emotions wasn't an option — she focused on pleasant thoughts rather than her unrequited feelings for Saito. She spent the rest of the day going through her memories of home and what it was like growing up. She remembered such a pleasant childhood. In the evening she tried to work on control. She placed her hands on her face as she thought of Saito and checked for changes in her facial features. She was exhausted from her practice after an hour and fell asleep quickly that evening.
Saito watched Chizuru with increased anxiety as the weeks passed. Her regularly unguarded joyful expressions slowly changed and disappeared. It now took something quite startling for her to let her feelings show. It made him sick. He worried about what had affected her so strongly that she felt the need to change and hide her feelings.
She was currently bringing them all tea with her feelings guarded when she caught his eye and her face went even more expressionless. He felt the sudden urge to fight her demons for her.
That night he set aside his stoicism and knocked on her door. He heard her voice allowing him entry. He slid open the door and said, "Good evening."
"Good evening, Saito-San." He hated that her face showed no emotion. Even in the quiet of her own room.
"How have you been?"
"Quite well, thank you." She looked up at his face with a serene expression.
He sat across from her on the floor and sighed, "I know you don't owe me any explanation, but I was wondering if you're okay. You look — you don't show your emotions anymore. I've grown concerned that you're hiding some hurt."
She looked at him with wide brown eyes. "I…" She fidgeted, wringing her hands then tried to still them. "I'm okay Saito-San. I appreciate your concern for my well-being."
He sighed in frustration, "Please don't lie to me. You aren't required to tell me how you feel. I would rather that you just told the truth, and I will leave it alone."
She looked over at the man she was growing to love and the concern she saw in his eyes. She knew that if she were honest with him, he wouldn't judge her. While he wouldn't return her feelings, he also wouldn't hate her for them. He was too kind, too fair minded. He would give her space and time to get over them and not come to her with concern and caring, making her fall a bit more for him like she was doing now.
She gathered her courage, the little she felt she had at the moment and sighed. "Saito-San, you are right of course. Thank you for your concern, but I will ask you not to come and check on me."
Saito wasn't able to hide his shock. His hurt he masked completely. It stung that she didn't want him to protect her. That was going to be the one thing he could do for her. He would guard her body and soul. That was where he would act on his affection for her.
She then continued, "You are fair minded and I will ask you for that right now. I already know you are willing, but I need that in an extra measure right now."
"You have it and more," he whispered. He kept from reaching out and caressing her clasped hands as he said it. "I just don't want you to have to hide your feelings. You're too generous and too kind to hide behind a mask. I'm worried about you."
Her eyes misted up and she shook her head, "Please don't. I can't… Oh, this is so hard to come out and say!"
"Are you in trouble?"
"No, no it's nothing like that." She took a deep breath and said, "I'm hiding my emotions because of what they would give away. You're right. I'm usually very open and everyone knows how I feel. I can't have that now. It would be — embarrassing." She brushed an errant tear away. "I'm attempting to hide my feelings for someone."
"Feelings?" Saito looked at her in confusion.
"Yes. Romantic feelings." Her hand trembled, and she tried to hide it.
He felt sick. She was attracted to someone and while he cared deeply for her she had feelings for someone else. "How can I help you? I would like -"
"Leave me be a bit."
His face didn't manage to mask the pain this time.
"No! I don't mean to sound harsh. It's just that…" Now was the time, "I have feelings for… you. Your concern and care don't make it easy to get over you. I know you're capable of not appearing awkward around me. I just need space, space, and lots of time."
He stared at her in shock and watched as she fidgeted showing how hard that admission had been for her. He was in ecstasy. He reached out suddenly and took her clasped hands in one of his.
"What if I don't want you to get over me?"
"What?" She looked at him in confusion and then stared at their joined hands.
"What if I return your feelings?"
"How you're so controlled, and I'm… how?"
"You're perfect Chezuru. I find myself mystified by how you grew to have feelings for me."
She scoffed, "Yeah what girl becomes attracted to the guy who always silently supports her in all situations. You're the one who made it possible for me to go on patrols. You're the one who always protects me and you saved my life. I also admire you and your control. It's you I tried to mimic when I realized that my feelings for you were becoming obvious."
"I hated seeing you so guarded."
"Do you really want me to make it obvious to everyone that I have feelings for you?"
He sighed, "Honestly, yes. I notice I have a ugly streak of jealousy that runs through me. I will never let it control me in the slightest, but the idea that the other knows you prefer me is a… pleasant one."
She blushed prettily and, removing one hand from his grasp, caressed his cheek. "I do prefer you to the others. Actually, I prefer you to anyone else I've ever met."
He took his empty hand and held her hand to his cheek, "please, don't stop." He gave her the most unguarded look she'd ever seen on him, and it was full of tenderness and affection.
She removed the holder on his long purple hair and ran her fingers through it. "I love your hair. It's… beautiful."
He closed his eyes and focused on her touch. It made his heart swell in his chest. "I'm a warrior and you're so kind. How?"
"You're a protector and honorable you do what you must to preserve what is right. I don't have to like the killing to understand it. You did kill a man right in front of me. You didn't even look at him when he died. Your eyes were on me, making sure that I was safe and unharmed."
"But -"
"Are you trying to talk me out of my affection? It won't work. Trust me. I did try," she lightly teased.
"I'm trying to assimilate the fact that you could return my feelings. I want to understand. I'm not foolish enough to attempt to change your mind. I enjoy being able to look into your eyes and hold your hand. I have pictured this many times."
"You did?" She asked in shock.
"I'm not always meditating to clear my mind under the Sakura tree. Sometimes I'm thinking about you."
She smiled wide at him and her eyes misted up with happy tears. "And at the same time I would sneak peeks at you while you sat there. You're very handsome."