Title: Junk Psychology 2: Doggie Delights
Description: As a result of Hojo's long-term, private experiments with Sephiroth, Genesis, and Angeal's fan clubs, Angeal is inundated with dog food, treats, and toys. Fortunately for him, he's away on a mission in Junon and doesn't have to deal with it. Sephiroth and Genesis think it's funny until Lazard tasks them with cleaning up the mess.
Characters: Sephiroth, Genesis Rhapsodos, Lazard Deusericus, Tseng, Mentioned Angeal Hewley
Tags: Humor, Crack, Fluff, Genesis and Sephiroth are amused and annoyed, Lazard is only annoyed, The Turks are annoyed, The Shinra mail department is annoyed, Hojo is a Champion Troll, Hojo has a lot of sock puppets, Hojo Being An Asshole, It's All Hojo's Fault, Sequel to "Junk Psychology: Observation With Intervention"
Note: You don't need to read the first story "Junk Psychology: Observation With Intervention" to understand what's going on, but it does help to know that for an unofficial research project in a subject in which he has no qualifications whatsoever, Hojo is systematically messing with the fan clubs under a variety of assumed names.
Part 2 of the "Hojo's Junk Psychology Experiments" series.
Junk Psychology 2: Doggie Delights
By
Tiffany Park
Heading home for the evening, Sephiroth stepped out of the elevator and into the long hallway of apartments that made up the SOLDIER quarters.
He rounded the turn toward the First Class accommodations, and came to an abrupt halt as he encountered a veritable obstacle course consisting of mountains of pallets loaded with boxes and heavy bags. The highest stacks had been heaped in front of Angeal's apartment and reached the ceiling. Genesis stood right in front of tallest tower of junk, one hand on his hip and the other holding his PHS. His expression displayed a weird mix of irritation and amusement. Curious, Sephiroth moved closer to Genesis and inspected some of the package labels.
Dog food?
Practically every kind of dog treat and a few types of dog food were represented in the cases, cartons, and pallets: Chewy's Chocobo Blend Biscuits, Grain-Free Meaty Treats, Joanie's Meatball Delights, Nibel Wolf Soft Chews, Monster-Man's Beef and Rice Formula Dog Crunchies, Good Boy Air-Dried Meat Treats, Cesar's Classic Loaf in Sauce, Jerky Treats Beef Strips, Kalm Journey Active Life Beef and Vegetables Canned Dog Food, Blue Behemoth High Protein Kibble, The Midgar Kitchen Butcher Block Salmon Yum Yums, and many, many more.
In addition, there were bags of rawhide chews and toys: balls in a variety of sizes, tug toys, plastic bones, short knotted ropes, Frisbees, stuffed plushies of all types including no fewer than five styles of stuffed Moogles, and a whole lot of objects Sephiroth didn't even try to identify.
Every single package he checked boasted mailing labels with Angeal's name in care of the Shinra Electric Power Company, along with correct addresses.
"Why does Angeal have so much dog food here?" Sephiroth asked. He knew Angeal didn't have any pets.
Genesis shook his head. "You don't want to know."
Sephiroth agreed that he probably didn't. Pragmatically, he said, "This...collection...can't stay in the hallway. It's taking up so much space it's blocking access. When is Angeal going to take care of it?"
"I doubt he even knows about it." Genesis smirked and tapped his PHS meaningfully.
Sephiroth did not grasp the gesture at all. He frowned. "It's all addressed to him and it's centered right on his doorstep. Why wouldn't he know about it?"
"He's in Junon, remember?"
That Sephiroth did know about, now that he had been reminded.
Believing that Sephiroth would be more responsible than Genesis, Angeal had asked him to water his precious plants while he was gone. He had never quite comprehended that Sephiroth didn't particularly care about plants and didn't see the point in trying to keep them alive in polluted Midgar. The most pampered houseplants always died sooner or later, no matter how much care was lavished upon them.
"That's right." Sephiroth's own smirk matched Genesis's. "Work, plus Caroline?"
"Work, but not Caroline. She's in Rocket Town."
"Himari?" Sephiroth guessed.
"Assigned to the medical corps in Wutai at the moment."
"Nadia?"
"Costa del Sol."
"Jennifer?"
"Working as an excavator in Bone Village."
"Xiuying?"
"Kalm." Obviously enjoying himself, Genesis folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the wall. "Give it up, Sephiroth. I know you can't keep them all straight."
"Ingrid?" Sephiroth tried again.
"Icicle Inn."
"Surya?"
"Mideel."
Sephiroth snorted and raised a contemptuous eyebrow. "We've eliminated most of them, so Victoria."
Genesis chortled. "Sorry, she's right here in Midgar."
"Then it must be Helene!" Sephorith stated in triumph. "Unless there's a new one?"
"Who knows? But you're correct that Helene's last known address was in Junon."
"Sometimes I wonder how Angeal gets any work done," Sephiroth grumbled, scowling at his fingernails.
"We both know he's ridiculously dedicated to his duties," Genesis intoned with a dramatic roll of his eyes. "He just likes to play hard during his time off."
"One of these days they'll all gang up on him and murder him."
"Didn't you know? They all know about each other." Genesis looked disgusted. "He's always honest to a fault with them." He huffed. "It's completely unfathomable."
"It could be his aftershave," Sephiroth offered, only half joking.
"Or his cooking," Genesis added. "I'm pretty sure he feeds them. Women like that."
"Maybe we should try that, too?" Sephiroth said. A hint of envy colored his tone.
"It's worth a shot, but I'd have to learn to cook something more interesting than toast."
"I can cook." Sephiroth didn't mention that his cooking talents were pretty much limited to steamed vegetables, grilled meats, and easy pasta and rice dishes, but Genesis already knew that.
Genesis grunted and dusted a non-existent piece of lint off his shoulder. "Well, cooking aside, at least there's only one in every port, as the saying goes. No group scenes for him. I've met Nadia and Jennifer, though, and I do wonder about them. I think they'd be into it."
Sephiroth pushed those unwelcome images out of his mind. "Angeal's messy love life still doesn't explain all the dog food."
Genesis held up his PHS and waggled it in front of Sephiroth's nose.
"I don't get it," Sephiroth was forced to admit, batting the phone—and Genesis's hand—away from his face.
"Keepers of Honor newsletter," Genesis said succinctly. He pushed away from the wall and waggled the phone again.
Sephiroth knew what that meant. He snatched up the phone and read the screen:
Angeal Fan Club Newsletter 311
From: Keepers of Honor
Contents:
Hello, fan club members!
Let's take another peek into Angeal's "unauthorized" profile!
Favorite hobby: Doting over dogs
The bigger the hassle, the cuter the dog.
Favorite read: "Famous Gardens Monthly"
A magazine on various flora, published by Shinra.
Now, isn't that just like the noble,
nature-loving man we all know and love?
That's all for this update.
We'll let you know when we have more to share with you!
"So?" Sephiroth said after checking the date. The newsletter was an older one. "This is the same newsletter that got him that stupid magazine subscription a while back. Why dredge it up again now?"
"There have been some alarming new comments in the discussion section this week. One Heidi Hofmann made a horrible suggestion, and the rest of them all piled on." Genesis indicated the mountains of dog supplies with a sweeping gesture.
Sephiroth made a face and scrolled to the discussions.
To: Keepers of Honor
From: Heidi Hofmann
Contents:
Dear members of the Keepers of Honor:
Friends, I have a wonderful idea. It's been confirmed that Angeal loves dogs in this very newsletter. He "dotes" over them, in fact. We know that these stories are provided anonymously by Shinra's PR department, so it must be true. Look at the way Sephiroth received the Masamune as published in the Silver Elite newsletter! How fabulous! Who but officials in Shinra knew the truth of that? Shinra must want us to know about these things and there must be very valid reasons. I believe I know the answer!
"They know no such facts," Sephiroth muttered, looking up at Genesis with ire. "Most of the stories in these newsletters are entirely fiction. Whoever's making them up can't be associated with the PR department."
"I see you recognized that, too." Genesis uttered a small laugh. "They're pretty incredible fantasy sometimes. Still sensitive about the Masamune story? They claimed it was the Gift of the Goddess, after all. You should be honored!"
"That ridiculous story got both your fan clubs fighting to the death with the Silver Elite," Sephiroth countered, "over some absurd and utterly unsupported interpretations of Loveless, of all things."
Genesis guffawed. "Yeah, the Lady of the Mako Lake? Where on the Planet did that come from? I suppose the Goddess must have a sense of humor!"
"I think our fan clubs are still fighting about it. How do you consider it funny? Infighting over trivia is how your fan clubs split in two in the first place."
"It's just online nonsense." Genesis waved a dismissive hand. "They'll calm down eventually."
"If they don't, PR will drag us into interviews to settle the public down. Again," Sephiroth reminded him in an ominous tone. "That's always painful."
"It'll work out. Anyway, keep reading. You're going to love it."
Rather doubting that, Sephiroth looked back down at the phone and the drivel that Heidi Hofmann spewed.
The answer? Angeal must want to meet us! How wonderful! What celebrity wouldn't be thrilled to meet his fans? Naturally, he can't do it officially, so it's up to us to provide convenient opportunities for "accidental" encounters!
Oh, Angeal would not be happy with this, Sephiroth thought. Angeal's one and only contact with the fan club—to thank them politely and impersonally through the official public relations channels for the lifetime subscription to the Famous Gardens Monthly magazine—had resulted in an extraordinary number of lengthy physical missives all effusively thanking him for acknowledging them and babbling away about a variety of inane topics. He had left the responses to the PR department. In turn, they had replied by sending bland form letters with an official promotional photo of him enclosed.
Sephiroth continued to read:
Here's my suggestion. Since Angeal loves to dote on dogs, we should make sure he always has treats and dog toys available in case he happens upon us and our pets while walking around the city. What dog lover doesn't always have a bag of treats at hand? Or even dog food? Suppose he gets a pet? He'd need plenty of dog food, treats, and toys. I know his job and lifestyle would make having a pet impractical, but perhaps he could get friends to watch it when he's away on one of his important missions.
Friends, let's make sure our beloved Angeal always has dog treats available! In this way, we'll be providing him with a perfect excuse to meet us, his loyal fans, and we'll have the opportunity to talk to him—in person!—when he cuddles our own dogs! If you don't already have a dog, you need to get one, too, or at least find a friend who owns one. I'm certain they'd love to have a dedicated dog walker, especially if we do it for free. Let's all make dog walking our most important hobby, next to learning details about Angeal, of course.
There was more, including suspiciously accurate information on how to order and send pet supplies to Angeal in care of Shinra (some of those fans could be frightening in their obsessions, research, and attention to detail), as well as a few artificial-sounding compliments about the "wonderful" club and smug self-congratulations from Heidi on her own cleverness. The flurry of replies that followed basically amounted to Great idea, let's get right on it! Some of the fans added their own suggestions, each more impractical than the last. The horrifying thing was that they all sounded dead serious.
As evidenced by the piles of dog supplies blocking the space around Angeal's apartment, they really had been serious.
Sephiroth didn't bother skimming more than a handful of the hundreds of messages following the one that had started it all. He had read more than enough just with Heidi Hofmann's letter. He raised his eyes to Genesis and shook his head helplessly. "You were right, I didn't want to know."
Genesis laughed. "Told you so."
"This is somewhat formal language for a typical gushing fan," Sephiroth commented. The sentence structure and cadence seemed almost...calculated and even familiar, though that idea was clearly nonsense and he dismissed it. This Heidi Hofmann person was just another fan club groupie with a better education than average, that was all.
"Isn't it?"
"How often do these people re-read old newsletters and continue their discussions?"
"Repeatedly," Genesis said in a long-suffering tone. "You really don't pay attention, do you?"
"I pay as much attention as Angeal does," Sephiroth said, only a little defensively.
"And look what that's gotten him! A lifetime supply of dog food and accessories." Genesis peered at the pallets blocking the hall and reaching the ceiling. "Though I don't see any poop bags. I should send the fan club a note to include those, too!"
He held out his hand to take back his PHS, but Sephiroth kept it out of reach. "You will do no such thing."
Genesis actually pouted. "Come on, Sephiroth, you know they'd be thrilled to read a suggestion from one of us!"
"That's why you will not do it. It would be a disaster."
"It would, wouldn't it?" Genesis practically brayed with laughter. "I can use a pseudonym, then, if that'll make you happy. C'mon, just one little note!"
"No!"
"May I ask what's going on here?" a third voice interjected behind them.
Both men startled at the unexpected interruption. They turned to face their direct superior, Lazard Deusericus. Tseng of the Turks, who looked even more stern, severe, and humorless than usual, accompanied him.
"Lazard," Sephiroth greeted his boss, and then gave a short nod to Tseng, who nodded back silently.
"As for what's going on," Genesis added, "we were just marveling at the sheer enthusiasm of Angeal's fan club."
Lazard said, "Yes, I see," and pushed his glasses up his nose. He took a good, long look at the high mountains of dog food, treats, and toys that made the hallway almost impassible, and sighed. "Gentlemen, Mister Tseng is here to look into the nature of this...bizarre...little problem of yours. You will assist him in any way he asks." The unspoken be polite to the second most important Turk in the company managed to echo in the crowded space.
Tseng bobbed his head again.
"The Turks are involved in this stupidity?" Genesis asked. "Why? What's up?"
Lazard gingerly stepped forward and picked his way around the most stable heaps of dog supplies. "This is what's up." He stared at the top of the tallest stacks. "They're scraping the ceiling, aren't they?"
"You can see that mail services has been busy," Tseng put in. "They are becoming quite annoyed with the increase in their workload."
Sephiroth raised a knowing eyebrow. "As are the Turks, I assume?"
"So is everyone who's had the misfortune to become involved," Lazard told him. "This is creating problems in several of the company's operating divisions. I've been fielding calls all day."
"All the incoming packages must not only be sorted and delivered, they must be scanned for dangerous elements," Tseng explained. "That takes time, manpower, and trained specialists who could be doing more important tasks."
"What, the company doesn't have equipment to automate the scanning process?" Genesis asked in a disbelieving tone. "Or if they have to do it by hand, Sense spells using Libra materia should do just fine."
"Again, that takes time and manpower," Tseng repeated with exaggerated and entirely fake patience. "There are indeed scanning machines, and materia experts for closer, more thorough examinations if the machines detect something unusual, but we should not be doing this much inspection at all. In addition, the senders are investigated for subversive activities or resentments against Shinra, SOLDIER, and even the recipient, SOLDIER First Class Hewley. This is a highly unusual situation, and we request that you resolve the problem."
Genesis bristled and demanded, "How are we supposed to solve it? The fan clubs don't answer to anyone except maybe the PR Department. Talk to them. They egg this stuff on by leaking information about us to the media and the public. It's not our problem."
"None of you have generated this much cra—" Lazard caught himself. "This many weird gifts in such a short time period before. Truckloads of dog food? Shiva help us all. There's even more sitting out on the loading docks that I bet you didn't know about."
Genesis and Sephiroth exchanged snigger, which displeased Lazard immensely. He directed a quelling look at them and declared, "It's a problem for all of us, you two included. Take it seriously. Naturally the company has to assume the worst. An anti-Shinra group could smuggle almost anything into so much stuff, from poison to biologicals to bombs. Besides, even the trinkets that you all routinely receive from the public have to be checked out. At least they don't usually fill up entire mail rooms and hallways!"
"None of us asked for this," Sephiroth stated. "We would all be happy if the fan clubs kept their obsessions to themselves."
"Honestly, Lazard, it's just the Keepers of Honor being crazier than usual," Genesis said. "All the fan clubs go through phases, you know, especially if they get some new and interesting information to dissect. They'll lose interest eventually. Or maybe they'll run out of money first." He snickered.
"And I always thought they were the most normal ones." Lazard shook his head, making a blond lock flop into his face. He brushed it back with a scowl. "In any case, the Turks and mail department have thoroughly vetted these items and the people who sent them. There's no danger unless these heaps of junk fall over and crush someone." He gave a slight nudge to a deceptively stable looking pile. It teetered in an alarming way. Everyone held their breaths until it stopped vibrating.
"Don't do that again," said Tseng with a slow exhalation. Lazard nodded.
"In my experience, there are no such things as normal fans," said Genesis after resuming his own breathing. "It's part of their charm. So tell me, if this is such a problem, why didn't the company just toss this garbage into a dumpster or donate it to some charity and call it a day? Angeal certainly won't want to keep any of it."
Lazard and Tseng looked at one another, eyes widening as dual lightbulbs went off in their heads. "That is an excellent question," said Tseng.
Lazard grabbed a medium-sized package of dog biscuits off the floor near a low, jumbled mound. "We were so irritated we didn't even think of that. There should be shipping and handling instructions somewhere," he muttered, turning the box this way and that. "Ah, here. Look at this, Tseng."
Genesis and Sephiroth also peered at the label, trying to make out the small lettering. "What does it say?" asked Sephiroth.
"Only that it is to be delivered to SOLDIER First Class Angeal Hewley, c/o The Shinra Electric Power Company, courtesy of one Jill Munroe of the Keepers of Honor," Tseng said. He appeared even more annoyed than when he had arrived. He also looked like he wanted to escape before any towers of dog food collapsed and buried him. "But there are official stamps that indicate it has all been approved to be passed through to Hewley's personal quarters, which is odd and worrisome." He got out his PHS, a specialized model carried by the Turks that allowed them access to a variety of restricted information in the company. "There must be more to this."
"Maybe the mail department is just so pissed off that they're getting a little bit of petty revenge on Angeal for creating this mess? Not that it's actually his fault or anything," Genesis suggested with a chuckle. Though he grinned, he also sounded perfectly serious.
"That would be a significant breach of professional ethics."
"From the blue collar drudges in the mail department?" Genesis drawled, openly displaying a streak of unattractive snobbishness. "Really, Tseng, I expected better of the Turks."
"If it's really revenge, they'll be disappointed," Lazard said. "Angeal isn't even in Midgar at the moment, so he's not the least bit inconvenienced."
"And isn't that a crime?" Genesis grumbled.
Lazard added to Tseng, who was making a show of being focused on his phone and not listening, "In case you don't know, he's occupied with a mission in Junon."
"And occupied with Caroline," Sephiroth muttered, sotto voce.
"Helene," Genesis corrected him, equally quiet.
"What was that?" asked Lazard.
"Nothing," Sephiroth and Genesis chorused in almost perfect unison.
Lazard narrowed his eyes at them and scowled.
Staring intently at whatever his PHS displayed and doing an excellent job of pretending to be oblivious to the discussion, Tseng wandered away and vanished into the nearest elevator.
"Coward," Lazard growled after him, but softly. "He left me with this mess, the asshole."
"Turks are experts at tactical maneuvers and withdrawals," said Sephiroth with a straight face. Not even a hint of a smile touched the corners of his lips, but his eyes were bright.
"So it seems." Lazard put his hands on his hips and glared at his two men. "All right, this needs to be taken care of, no matter how it got started. Normally, I'd make Angeal clean it up, but he's not here and won't be for over a week. These piles of...dog food..." and Lazard coughed several times, "must be removed from the hallway. Immediately."
"So get the janitors to do it," Genesis snapped.
"What a good idea," Lazard stated agreeably. "I'm making an executive decision. I assume you two know how to call Facilities and do the paperwork to get the job moving. Have at it. That's an order." With that, he took a page from Tseng's book and strode down the hall to the elevators, muttering, "They think it's so funny, I'll give them funny."
"Spiteful," Genesis observed. He turned around and regarded the immense piles of dog supplies with loathing.
"Turks aren't the only ones good at withdrawals," Sephiroth couldn't resist adding.
"Damn it, this is Angeal's mess. Why should we get stuck with cleaning it up? This is completely unfair," Genesis complained, letting a whine creep into his voice.
"Petulance won't help," Sephiroth said.
"I am not petulant!"
Sephiroth just stared at him.
Genesis sighed and relented. "Yeah, right, whatever. Pride is lost, wings stripped away—"
"The end is nigh," Sephiroth finished the Loveless verse for him, also sounding aggrieved by the situation. He fiddled with Genesis's phone, still in his own hand. Genesis took the opportunity to grab it back.
Morosely, the pair spent a silent moment regarding the enormous task before them: Mountains and mountains of dog supplies blocking much of the hallway. One heap gave a tiny groan under its own weight as it settled into a more stable configuration, and both men took a few quick steps away from it.
In their resentment and self-pity, neither considered that the poor janitors would be the ones stuck with the actual physical labor and all they had to do was make some calls and fill out a few forms.
After wallowing for a good minute, Genesis huffed and said, "I guess we need to contact Facilities and get started on the paperwork. Ugh."
"Perhaps not," said Sephiroth. A sly expression crossed his sharp features.
Genesis looked at him quizzically.
"After all, I do have access to his home. He asked me to water his plants while he was gone." Sephiroth flaunted a keycard. "It will take some work to relocate so many packages into his apartment without them falling over on us, but I do think Angeal should know how much his fans love and appreciate him, don't you?"
An evil smile spread over Genesis's face.
Sephiroth took that as agreement.
*** end ***
August 2022
Notes:
The prank that Sephiroth and Genesis decide upon at the end is based on very similar pranks my friends and I pulled back in school. LOL These guys are supposed to be around college or grad school age, after all...
Angeal's reaction to coming home to an apartment stuffed to the rafters with doggo supplies is left to the imagination of the reader. I doubt I could come up with anything better than your own imaginations will concoct!
The "Angeal Fan Club Newsletter 311" is received by Zack in the Crisis Core game if he joins the Keepers of Honor fan club.
If you're curious about the Masamune story that Sephiroth and Genesis discuss, it's in the first fic in this series, "Junk Psychology: Observation With Intervention."