Late the next morning the coach slowed to a halt and Ivan opened the door. "We're very close, moi soverenyi. We must continue on foot."
We all walked quietly through a snowy wood. Mal was out in front of the group, moving slowly and carefully. After several miles of slow, silent progress he held up a hand to halt us. He turned to look at me, pressed a finger to his lips, and motioned me forward. Aleksander and I moved to the front of the group. A herd of beautiful, white deer were grazing on the sparse blades of new Spring grass in a small clearing. The stag stood in the middle, enormous and majestic. I stepped out of the cover of the trees, drawn toward the stag as though it were a lodestone.
When it saw me, it moved towards me through the herd. Slowly, oh so slowly, I edged towards it until I was able to reach out and stroke its velvety nose. I looked back to find Aleksander staring at me, one hand upraised, something like awe on his beautiful face. "We'll find another way, " I told him.
He dropped his hand and an arrow thunked into the stag's chest. "No!" I screamed and the rest of the herd scattered. The stag collapsed to the ground. I fell to my knees beside it. "No," I whispered. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
Aleksander came up beside me. "There is no other way, Alina." He took out a dagger and placed it on the stag's chest, right over its heart. For a moment I thought he would plunge it in and it would all be over, the amplifier's power would be his. My power would be his. Instead he took my hands, placed them gently on the hilt of the dagger and stepped back. "Do it quickly, Alina. Before it's too late."
My hands shook and tears streamed down my face. I shook my head. "I can't. I'm sorry, I can't."
He knelt beside me and placed his hands over mine. "Together?" I nodded. "On three. One. Two." His grip tightened on mine. "Three!" Together we plunged the dagger into the stag's still beating heart. Blood bloomed over my hands and I scrambled back, dropping the dagger. I got to my feet shakily and stared in mute horror at what I'd done.
An oprichnik stepped forward with a saw. "Take a piece from each antler," Aleksander instructed. I turned away from the gruesome sight, but I couldn't block out the sound. My stomach turned. I clapped a hand over my mouth and ran into the trees. I fell to my knees again and emptied my stomach into the snow.
There were hands on me, one holding my hair, the other rubbing circles on my back, but they felt wrong. I turned to find Mal crouching behind me. "Alina, I…"
"Leave us!" Aleksander snarled.
Mal's blue eyes turned to chips of ice. He stood and turned to face Aleksander.
"Aleksander, please," I protested weakly.
"You have done nothing but ignore and snub her for weeks. You've hurt her again and again. What makes you think you have the right to comfort her now?" Aleksander growled.
Mal's shoulders slumped and he walked away without a word. Aleksander threw up a wall of darkness to give us privacy. He took my hand, pulled me to my feet, then into his arms. "Alina, there is no other way."
"If you say that again, I'll stab you next," I grumbled.
He gazed at me steadily, but didn't reprimand me. I deflated. "I know it was the only way, it's just…I'm frightened, Aleksander." I was crying like a fool again. "Such a powerful amplifier, what if it destroys me?"
He tilted my face up to his. "Do you think I would allow this if I thought there was even the slightest chance of that?"
I allowed the tiniest sliver to open in the doors to our connection, just enough that I could feel his sincerity, then I slammed them closed again. He was being honest, he would not put the amplifier on me if he believed it could harm me. I reminded myself it was only because he needed my power. Still, he'd had the perfect chance to kill the stag alone and he had not taken it. "No, of course not. I'm sorry. What will it mean, us killing it together?"
"I'm not sure," he admitted. He placed a kiss on my brow. "Come, dry your eyes. Don't let them see anything but your strength."
I laughed harshly. "A little too late for that."
"It's never too late, Alina."
I dried my face on my sleeve since my hands were covered with blood, squared my shoulders, and nodded. Aleksander waved his hand and the darkness vanished. I strode back into the clearing with my head held high.
David was holding the two pieces of antler, waiting for us. "Take off your kefta, Alina," Aleksander said. I removed it and handed it to Ivan. Aleksander held my hair up off my neck. We stared into each other's eyes as David came up behind me and placed the pieces of antler on each side of my neck. Several moments passed, then David dropped the solid collar onto my shoulders and stepped away.
"Now," Aleksander whispered, releasing my hair and stepping back, "show us what you can do."
I raised my hands and felt the power rushing at me, stronger than ever before. I panicked for a second, but my eyes found Aleksander's again. I wear the amplifier, it does not wear me. I wield this power, it does not wield me. Then light exploded from me like a newly forged star.
The oprichniki and other Grisha all gasped. Then they all dropped to one knee, bowed their heads, and murmured, "Moi soverenyi." The trackers stared in confusion for a moment, then knelt as well, even Mal. Only Aleksander and I were left standing. I was terrified to look at him, certain his expression would promise death. I gathered my courage and flicked my eyes to him. Aleksander was smiling.