9 - Angels Among Us

Dean's mood plummeted when he said goodbye to Bobby and set off in Baby with Cass. The angel quickly noticed. "Dean, have I upset you?"

"What? No, Cass, not at all," Dean denied. "I'm upset, yes, but it's not at you, angel."

"I find that difficult to believe."

Dean frowned at his angel in the rearview mirror. "Why would you say that?"

"Because I've created a great deal of conflict and strife for you," Castiel pointed out. He was sitting, slumped, in the back seat. Even his great wings seemed to be drooping in dejection. "Now your friend, someone you care very deeply about, is bringing someone else you care about to talk to you. And it seems as though they're both set to fight with you. I'm not stupid, Dean. I know that you're fighting about me."

"Yes, and no," Dean admitted. "It's not about you exactly. You remember six years ago, when you saved me from that explosion?"

Castiel shifted. "What about it?"

"Well, after that, I, um, went through some tough times," Dean explained, choosing his words carefully. "People these days, they're kind of quick to dismiss anything supernatural with whatever 'natural' explanation they could find. Doesn't matter if a ghost is throwing things all over a room, or an angel is wrapping someone up in their wings to protect them from an explosion. No matter how far-fetched the 'logical' explanation is, that's the one that's going to be believed."

"No one believed you, Dean," Cass said quietly. "I understand."

"I'm glad someone does, although I doubt anyone really could understand unless they'd gone through it." Dean pinched his lips together. "Once they decide you're crazy, that's it. They put you into some hospital ward, give you medications that you hate because they fuck with your head, and tell you that the angel who saved you wasn't real. Then, even when they decide you're safe to let out, your friends and family never let you forget. For the rest of your life, you're branded. Anyone else can do whatever they want and get a pass, but you?" He sighed. "You do anything even remotely unexpected, and you run the risk of getting committed again, starting all over." Dean glanced back at his angel. "Then again, I guess you would know, wouldn't you? You've been watching over me for at least the past six years. So that means you were there, too." He swallowed hard, trying to will back the surge of emotion. "You'll never know how much that means to me, angel. That I wasn't alone in that place. Thank you for that."

Castiel stayed silent.

After a moment, Dean grimaced and shook his head. "Do you even have a choice in that? Who you're with, I mean?"

"What do you mean?"

"Free will," Dean explained. "Do angels have it?"

"No, we don't," Castiel admitted. "That's a gift only humans were given."

"Well, you're part human now," Dean pointed out. "So maybe you could make your own decisions? If you wanted to, you know, not be with me." Dean's heart pounded as he forced out the words.

Castiel frowned in confusion. "Why wouldn't I want to be with you? I like you, Dean."

"You do?" Dean hated the way his voice cracked at the end.

"Of course," the angel agreed. "You're a wonderful man, Dean. And you kiss very well."

The last part made Dean stop breathing for a moment. "So, you'd stay with me even if you could choose to leave?"

"That question makes no sense. Angels can't choose, so it doesn't matter. But I do enjoy spending time with you."

"Even though it means you got to be with me in the looney bin? Never mind," Dean corrected, seeing Castiel frown. "Moot point, right, no free will. I'm glad you're always with me, Cass, but I'm sorry you were forced to be there." He paused. "You, um, heard all my prayers every night?"

"Angels can always hear your prayers. But Dean, there's something you don't seem to understand."

"Well, Cass, I imagine there's a lot of things I don't understand, but which one in particular are you referring to?"

"I can't change what I am," Castiel began, "nor can I change what I've done. But I never meant to hurt you, or anyone else."

Dean tightened his grip on the wheel. "What do you mean?"

"I heard you, outside the door." Castiel's voice was barely a mumble. "What you said, about Jimmy Novak's daughter. I never really considered how much she would have missed her father, or how she would have felt."

Oh. "Well," Dean began, licking his lips as he thought quickly, "it's not like you're actually her dad, right?"

"No. I am not her father."

"Then you've got nothing to be sorry about, right?" Dean rationalized. "I get that you're feeling guilty about taking him, but did you have much of a choice? Can angels survive for long on Earth out of Heaven?"

"Not really," Castiel mumbled, looking down.

"Then you had to pick someone, right?"

Silence fell over the car, which quickly became uncomfortable. Dean swallowed. "Tell me about him," he said. "James Novak. What was he like?"

Castiel folded his arms across his chest. "Jimmy Novak was a devout man, married and a father. But he and his wife were having problems. Jimmy was sick, schizophrenic, and desperately unhappy. His wife prayed for God to show them his path. She was desperate, even seeking out faith healers. She took Jimmy to a tent revival, hoping it would give him some hope. But when Jimmy heard the preacher, he believed that the angels needed him. That's why he agreed to serve as a vessel."

Dean glanced back at his angel, seeing how uncomfortable Castiel looked. "His wife said he was talking about angels before he vanished," Dean recalled. "That was you, huh? So he left his family and came to you, asking to be your vessel?"

Castiel paused for a moment, seeming surprised. "That's not something I ask, that anyone does something that might injure themselves or hurt others. He wanted a a reason for his life."

"I'd say he got one," Dean informed him. "Claire thought it was just some kind of delusion, but here you are. So Jimmy got what he wanted, right?"

"I imagine so," Castiel mused. "I do understand what you mean, about people not willing to believe."

"And I understand you a bit more, too," Dean said. "What you said, about not wanting to hurt anyone? I'm not going to lie and say you didn't hurt the Novaks, because you did. But you didn't really have much of a choice. No matter who you chose as your vessel, someone was going to be hurt. It has to trouble you, though, to know that Novak's family is still searching for him."

Silence from the back seat.

"One thing she said that bothered me," Dean admitted. "Claire's dad, Jimmy? He vanished twenty-five years ago. So that means you took this guy right around the time I was being born!" He glanced at his angel in the mirror again, incredulous. "You were there at my birth, weren't you? You really are my angel, watching over me from every moment of my life!" Dean breathed hard through his nose. "There was this one time, I was just a kid, and I ran into this guy. He was trying to say he was a policeman and I needed to go with him right away. But something was off. I started running, and he came after me." Even now, years later, Dean's heart was pounding at the memory. "He drove around the corner, cut me off, and caught hold of me. I was so scared! But then…"

Sapphire blue eyes met his own in the rearview mirror. For the first time, Dean realized how familiar they were. "You," Dean said in wonder. "You were there, out of nowhere. You hit the guy, threw him against his car. I remember it broke the window, dented in the door. The bastard just slumped. I thought he was dead, and I was glad, but still so damned scared! Right up until you picked me up. I knew I was safe then, that you'd protect me. The next thing I knew, I was at Bobby's. Cass…" Dean shuddered. "Why me?"

"Dean, why can't you believe that you deserve to be saved?" Castiel sighed. "I would do anything that you ask. Whatever else I may be, I am your friend. I know you are a good man, a righteous man. For that, I would come to your aid even if I were ordered not to!"

Dean glanced back at Cass again. The angel's eyes were wide, his mouth open in surprise at the words that had just come out of his mouth. "Huh," Dean marveled. "Finally get your first taste of free will, did you?" He nodded. "Ok, good, let's work with that. You care for me. I appreciate that, but let's just picture a what if. What if your orders changed, and you were told you had to kill me?"

"Dean, that wouldn't…"

"It's hypothetical, Cass," Dean interrupted. "Just work with me here. What if you were ordered to kill me? How would you feel about that?"

The angel mulled it over, chewing on his lower lip in consternation. "I wouldn't like that at all."

"Great. Hold that feeling. Because that right there? That uncomfortable thing you're feeling about potentially being forced to do something you wouldn't like to do? That's how I feel every time you talk about my destiny."

Castiel's thoughts were churning. His brow was furled, pain and indecision warring in his eyes. "I don't like this, Dean. Why are you making me feel like this?"

"Cass, I'm sorry, buddy. I really am. All I want from you is for you to just keep being my angel. But I need you to understand. The single greatest gift that humans have is free will. You said that yourself. But something like destiny? That's the opposite of free will, man."

"You still have your free will, Dean," Cass insisted. "No matter what destiny has in store for you, in the end, you still make your own choices.

"So do you," Dean countered. "You don't actually have to pull the trigger just because someone points a finger and says 'kill.' In the end, the decision is really yours. But does that make actually getting that order and facing that choice any easier?"

That, it seemed, finally got through to Castiel. The angel sat back, seeming lost in thought. Good. Dean wasn't sure how much Cass really understood, but at least the basic principle of free will seemed to have hit home.

Castiel remained quiet and thoughtful as the miles rolled by and Dean pulled in for gas. Realizing the angel was upset, Dean dug out his wallet. "Cass," he called, pulling out some money, "why don't you go in and grab some snacks? Keep an eye on the prices and don't spend all of this. Oh, and make sure you get me some pie!"

The angel brightened. He quickly got out of the car, accepting the money. "I'll do as you ask, Dean," he said solemnly. Then he was off, heading into the store.

As he pumped, part of Dean wanted to run after his angel, sure that something would go wrong. No, he decided as he topped off his tank, it was time to trust Castiel a little, give him a bit more freedom. He couldn't possibly watch his angel every second of every day. Now was as good a time as any to let him experience the human world a little on his own. After all, he reasoned, it was a rinky dink corner Gas-N-Sip. What could go wrong?

Dean froze. He quickly replaced the nozzle, screwed on the cap, and practically ran into the store.

Sure enough, even though Castiel hadn't been alone in the store for more than five minutes, there was trouble. Cass had the attendant by the shirt and was scowling at him as he held the frightened man halfway across the counter. "You don't understand," the angel growled. "I have to have pie!"

"Cass!" Dean quickly grabbed the angel's arm and was astounded to realize he couldn't budge it. "Come on, Cass," he urged, prying at Castiel's fingers. "Let go of him. You can't just go around threatening people like this!"

Castiel was bewildered. He squinted at Dean, tilting his head. "But… pie? You specifically said to get you pie."

"If he doesn't have pie, then he doesn't have it!" Dean put all his weight on the angel's arm, trying in vain to get Cass to let the clerk down. "Let go!"

To his relief, Cass let go of the clerk, allowing the frightened man to drop back down behind the counter. Dean gave the man an awkward smile. "Sorry. He's got a head injury, see?" He indicated the angel's bruises, glad that for once Castiel's injuries might come in handy. "He doesn't know what he's doing."

Now that he was no longer being held up on his toes by a crazy irate winged man demanding pie, the clerk's face had flushed angrily. "I'm calling the police!"

"Hey, come on, don't do that." Pushing the confused angel behind him, Dean dug into his wallet, producing more bills. "Here. For your trouble. I'll just take my friend and we'll be on our way."

The clerk seemed upset, but made the bills disappear into a pocket quickly enough. "Get out of here before I change my mind."

"Thanks! Sorry again." Grabbing Castiel by the arm, Dean all but dragged him back out to the car.

"Cass, you cannot do shit like that!" he hissed as soon as they were back on the road.

"Dean, I don't understand," Cass complained. "First you tell me not to spend too much, then you give money away with nothing in return. And you never got pie."

"He didn't have any."

"He did," Castiel corrected. "That man was lying. He had pie in the back room. I could see it from where I was standing at the counter, and I pointed it out. He just didn't want to go back there to bring it out because he was playing a game on his cell phone."

"Dude, he was about to call the cops on you!"

"So?"

"So, what, exactly, were you planning on telling the cops if they showed up?" Dean challenged.

The angel shrugged, nonplussed. "If he called the police, I would simply explain that I'm an Angel of the Lord and that man was lying and being belligerent."

"For God's sake, you can't do that!" Dean yelled, pounding a fist on the steering wheel in frustration. "Cass, don't you remember how everyone treated you back at the hospital? They wanted to commit you to a mental ward, man! If you really have been watching over me my whole life, then you know that absolutely no one in my life has ever believed me when I said I saw an angel. They're sure as hell not going to believe you when you tell them you are one!"

Castiel shook his head, looking upset. "I thought you said that all you wanted was for me to be your angel."

"I do, Cass, but you can't go around telling everyone that's what you are," Dean corrected. "At best, they'll think you're a freak and a nut. At worst, they'll think you're dangerous, especially when you do shit like attack a clerk at a Gas-N-Sip! Ugh, I'm sorry, Castiel," he amended, noticing the sudden silence from the back seat. "I know I have no reason under God to yell at you. I'm not upset at you, ok? I'm really not. It's just this whole situation. You never should have had to worry about how to respond to an asshole clerk at a Gas-N-Sip because you never should have been in a Gas-N-Sip. You should be in Heaven, not riding around in a car smelling my beer farts and putting up with my bullshit."

"It's alright," Cass said quietly. "I think I understand. That's why you stopped covering my wings, wasn't it? Because no one will ever believe what I really am."

"Other than some religious nuts? No, not likely," Dean sighed. "I still had no right to yell at you. I'm just tired and frustrated and worried, but you're in a hell of a lot worse shape than I am right now."

"Your apology is accepted." Castiel leaned back. "Dean, why are you so upset? What are you afraid of?"

For a moment, Dean considered blowing the angel off in true Winchester fashion, telling Cass he wasn't afraid, what was he talking about? But something made the truth bubble up instead. "I'm afraid that I'll wake up and this will all be a dream," he admitted. "I'm afraid that, after all this, after how hard I've fought, one day I'll look around and realize everyone around me was right after all. That this whole thing was in my head."

"Why?" Cass pressed. "Why does that frighten you so much?"

"Because that would mean there's nothing special about me at all!" Dean blurted. "Don't you get it, Cass? The one thing I have always held to is that I had an angel watching over me. My shrink was right, ok? Ever since that day, when you saved me at the base, I have been trying to make myself worthy of your intervention. That's why I end up in those stupid situations, not because I'm trying to get you to show yourself, but because I need to be worth it! If I can be a figurative angel, the way you were my real angel? Then maybe…" He swallowed hard. "Maybe I'm worthy of being saved after all."

"Dean, you are worthy of being saved even you never did any of those things," Castiel pointed out. "You are a wonderful, selfless, caring man. It's an honor to know you. You have nothing to prove, because you are already worthy."

Dean's face was flaming. "You don't get it," he mumbled. "And I don't know how to explain it to you."

Silence from the back seat. When Castiel spoke again, his voice was soft. "If I hadn't showed myself that day, if you never knew that it was an angel that saved you? What would you do instead of what you do now?"

Dean frowned. "I don't know," he admitted. "I never really thought about it. I guess have a normal life, maybe get married and have a kid, live in a house with a picket fence and have barbecues with the neighbors? Whatever it is regular people do."

Castiel nodded. "That sounds nice."

"Yeah, I guess so, but it's not for me. That kind of apple pie life? That's not the kind of life I can just settle down in."

"Because of me."

Dean glanced at the angel in the rearview mirror and saw him looking intently back, his expression unreadable. "Cass, you saved my life, multiple times," he pointed out. "If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have any life at all, normal or otherwise. So please don't think that my life is in any way bad because of you. It's the opposite. You've made my life extraordinary. Anyone can have a normal life. Not everyone can do what I do."

That seemed to settle something for Castiel. He nodded and closed his eyes. "I'm tired, Dean. Would you mind if I slept?"

"No, buddy, you go ahead and sleep," Dean soothed. "We've got a couple more hours before we get to Bobby's. I'll wake you when we get there."

With a nod, the angel shifted around, getting as comfortable as he could. A few minutes later, Dean looked back to see him fast asleep.

Bobby and Sammy weren't there yet when Dean pulled through the archway of Singer's Salvage Yard. Dean parked and started to carry their stuff inside, trying hard not to wake his angel. Fortunately, Castiel's pain pills had kicked in and the angel was sound asleep. Dean smiled fondly at him and sat down on a rusting barrel to wait.

Before long, Bobby's old truck backfired its way up to him. The sound apparently roused Cass. Dean's angel was climbing out of the car, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as Bobby parked. He moved close to Dean, extending his hand. Dean took it, holding it tight in his own. "It's ok, Cass," he soothed.

"Yes," Cass replied. "I've given this meeting a lot of thought. I believe I know the best way to move forward."

"No matter what happens, I'm here," Dean vowed. "Right by your side, angel. Just like you were always right by mine."

Castiel smiled at that. He leaned down, his eyes hopefully on Dean's lips.

"No more kissing, buddy, not right now," Dean said, nervously laughing. "We need to talk, and kissing in front of them is not going to start that conversation well. Hey," he soothed, seeing the disappointment on his angel's face, "I'll kiss you later, ok? Just let's talk to my brother and Bobby first."

"Alright." Cass tugged on Dean's hand, helping him get up. Together, they went to greet Bobby and Sam.