10 - Mr. James Novak

Apparently, Bobby had told Sam the whole story on the drive over. Sam did not appear to have taken it well. Dean's giant of a little brother was hunched down, attention seemingly fixed on the bottle in his hands. He looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Dean forced himself not to care.

The four of them gathered at Bobby's kitchen table. Everyone had a beer in hand and was slumped in his chair except for Castiel, who had turned the chair around to accommodate his wings. Even the angel looked subdued. He had his bad arm on the table, his good arm on the back of the chair and his chin resting on it with his eyes staring at some spot on the table.

Obviously, a Serious Conversation was about to take place. Fine. Dean would start things off. He indicated Castiel. "Behold," he announced, "Castiel, the Angel of the Lord. This is not just the guy who saved me at the base, Sammy, he's also the reason I didn't get kidnapped when I was a kid! You remember that? The guy who tried to get me into his car?"

Bobby gave Castiel a dangerous look. "You told him you were part of that, too?!"

"No, I remember him!" Dean insisted. "Cass was watching over me even when I was a kid."

"Dean?" Sam called quietly. "I remember the time you were almost kidnapped. I also remember you talking about the man who'd saved you, but would you look at Castiel? He's around our age. If that had been him, don't you think he'd be a bit closer to Bobby's?"

"He's an angel, Sam," Dean reminded with strained patience. "Clearly, the normal rules of aging do not apply."

"Who told you that was him?" Bobby wanted to know. "Did he say it, or did you just put it together?"

"I told you, I remember it."

"Do you?" Bobby asked, sounding doubtful. "Because at the time, when we asked you to describe the man, you couldn't remember a single detail about him. So frankly, I'm finding it difficult to believe that you recognize this guy here now from then."

"Then there's his ID," Sam continued. "Bobby said he needed it for the case, got it from the police, and showed it to me on the drive. It's obviously fake, and a bad one, if he never bothered to change any of the dates."

"Yeah, he borrowed that guy's body," Dean explained. "He…"

"I'm not who Dean believes I am," Castiel interrupted, silencing everyone. "I'm not sure who I really am. My earliest memory was waking up when Dean found me, at that clinic. I understand a meteor hit us?" He shook his head. "It's amazing we weren't both killed. As it was, I was hurt, and I was very confused for a while. I'm not sure how much I remembered right away, but now, after two head injuries, I definitely seem to be suffering from some memory loss. I have no idea who I really am, just that I'm no angel." He stared steadfastly at the table. "I'm sorry, Dean. I haven't been truthful with you."

Dean's jaw was in danger of becoming unhinged. "Cass, what…?"

"I can't explain the ID," Castiel continued. "I imagine, if I remembered who I was, I'd be less than pleased at the discovery. Running a con seems to come naturally to me. When Dean found me, he saw my mutation and started talking about me being his angel. At first, I was so dazed and confused that I believed it. That's why I said it even in the hospital. But then, when I realized it couldn't be true, I just went with it so Dean would continue to help me. Castiel, the name?" He shrugged. "I don't even know where I came up with that. But it, and the name Jimmy Novak, seem familiar. I suspect they're both identities I've been using in some form for a while."

Dean couldn't believe what he was hearing. Bobby and Sam were nodding, faces hard, obviously just waiting for the angel to finish whatever he had to say before exploding. Meanwhile Castiel kept right on talking with his head bowed and his eyes lowered, looking for all the world like someone caught and forced to confess something shameful.

"I don't expect you to trust me," the angel was saying. "I can't imagine that I would, in your position. I can't even tell you what really happened. Dean said I was an angel, and since he was helping me, I had no reason to doubt it wasn't true. But then after the hospital, I woke up in the morning with my head finally clear. I realized then that I obviously wasn't an angel. But I still didn't have my memory. I had no idea what had happened, no idea who I really was, no home, and nowhere to go. Dean was all I had, and he was willing to help me."

"So long as you kept him believing you were an angel," Bobby growled.

Castiel slumped even further. "Yes. But it seemed harmless. I was only looking for help. How could I know that Dean was this bad, that he was suffering from a full-fledged delusion that I was only feeding into? I've made everything so much worse!" Castiel rubbed his hand over his face. His eyes went briefly to Dean before moving quickly away. "There's no excuse I can give, nothing I can say or do that can make up for the harm I've caused. I think the angel cover must have been one I'd used frequently, due to my mutation, because it was so easy for me to just fall into it. It's pretty clear that I am not a good man. But for what little my word may mean to you, I give it to you when I say I never meant to do him any real harm. It wasn't until now, when I heard him arguing with you, that I realized just how much harm I've done here. Had I realized he really was sick, and not just extremely religious? I never would have let things go this far."

"Oh, really?" Sam said. His eyes were hard as he looked at Castiel. "And just what was your end game here, Castiel or Jimmy Novak or whoever the hell you really are?"

Castiel spread his hands. "I didn't have one. I was hoping my memory would come back, or I'd figure something out. But instead, I've allowed myself to be driven far from where I was, away from anyone who might know me, because I had no idea how to end this deception without crushing Dean. That's why I waited until now before I said anything. I thought, with you both here, Dean could have some help." He shook his head, "I never should have let it go this far. I made a mistake."

"You're damned right you did," Bobby snarled. "You son of a bitch! Sam and I were ready to have Dean committed again, thinking he'd had another breakdown!"

"I know," the angel said, looking miserable. "And that's the last thing I want to happen. I care about Dean. That's why I knew I had to end it."

"Castiel, what the hell are you saying?" Dean jumped up, grabbed his angel by the lapels of his coat, and gave him a shake. Ignoring the slight hiss of pain this produced, he leaned down, searching the ocean blue eyes for any sign of deception. "Why are you telling them all this shit?"

"Because it's true." Castiel looked away. "I'm sorry, Dean. I know I've hurt you terribly."

"No, Cass, what are you talking about? You're an angel, I know it! I've seen you use your powers," Dean reminded. "In the car, you changed the radio station without touching the knob…"

"Dean, would that be the loose knob on the radio that randomly turns from the vibrations of the engine?" Sam asked. His voice was calm, but his face betrayed his anger as he glowered at Castiel. "The one you keep saying you need to fix, but you never get around to?"

"Ok, yeah, maybe that was just a coincidence," Dean admitted uneasily. "But Bobby, you were there at the motel room when he mojoed his clothes on without any help."

"You mean the coat he's wearing now, that I can see from here is clearly tailored and has velcro attachments to go over his wings?" Bobby asked. "That was why the hospital didn't have to cut it apart, because it's already altered for his wings. All he had to do was pull it on and press the velcro. Jimmy didn't need help getting his coat on any more than he needed help just sliding his feet into his shoes, which is obviously what he did. There wasn't any more magic involved in that than there was in your busted radio."

"No, his eyes were glowing in the car," Dean insisted, shaking his head. "He's been watching over me for years, even the last job, where he made the gun jam when that asshole tried to shoot me…"

"What gun?!" Bobby and Sammy asked at once. Holding up a hand to Sam, Bobby continued, "Dean, first of all, you never mentioned that you damned near got yourself killed. But second, you've been around weapons long enough to know that they don't need angelic intervention to jam. I won't say that you don't have an angel on your shoulder, keeping your sorry ass alive all this time despite your best efforts. But I will say that the guy you're holding onto there is not that angel. This is a con artist, Dean. He's flat out telling you that! Even if you won't believe us, won't you at least believe him?"

"Dean, I am so sorry," Castiel said again, gently prying Dean's hands off of his clothing. "I never should have led you on. I just didn't know what to do."

"You're saying that you just stayed with my brother because you didn't know what else to do?" Sam spat. He indicated Dean, who was standing frozen in shock. "Look at him, you bastard! Look at the way you hurt him. You're more than just an angel to him. You led him on! You let him think you have feelings for him!"

"That's because I do." Cass reached up, taking Dean's hands. "Dean, whoever I was in the past, I don't think that I ever had anyone care for me the way you do. Because I found myself falling for you, and hard. I didn't want to say it, but your brother, what he said? That's not true. I know you have feelings for me, and I didn't lead you on. Those feelings are returned."

Once again, Dean's jaw had dropped. Castiel stood up, now clutching Dean's hands to his chest. They were holding hands? How the hell had that happened?

"Dean," the angel was saying, "I lied to you. I betrayed you. I mislead you. I let you trust me and help me under false pretenses. I'm not Castiel, Angel of the Lord. I'm not Jimmy Novak, either, but for now, that's the only name I know, so I'll keep it. As a mere man calling himself Jimmy Novak, I am begging you."

To Dean's complete shock, Castiel dropped to his knees. He was still holding Dean's hands. "Please, Dean," he pleaded. "Forgive me. If you want, I'll go away and you'll never see me again…"

"No!" Now it was Dean clinging to Castiel's hands. "No, you can't leave, I… What the fuck is going on here? You're not going anywhere, you're staying with me!"

Castiel smiled. "So you do still care for me. I feel the same."

"You know, I kind of suspected," Bobby grunted. For some reason, the older man's expression had softened. "Never was sure, and didn't want to ask."

Sammy scoffed. "I've known Dean was bisexual since he was a teenager, probably before he knew it. Don't you remember how he always loved cowboy movies? He had a huge crush on Clint Eastwood!"

Dean's face was flaming. "Shut up, Sammy!"

"Get up off of the floor, Jimmy," Bobby ordered. "And both of you sit back down. We need to talk about this."

"I," Dean declared as he obeyed, "have no idea what is going on."

"We know, Dean." Bobby reached out to squeeze Dean's arm. "We know. But really, for me it boils down to one question: do you really want Jimmy here to stay?"

"He's not staying," Sam insisted.

"Shut up," Bobby ordered without looking at Sam. "Dean?"

"I… He's not… I don't…" Dean sputtered. "Yes, I want him to stay!"

"As what?" Bobby pressed. "As your angel, or as something more?"

"More!" Dean blurted without thinking. "He's not just an angel to me, ok? I've never felt for anyone what I feel for him. But I don't understand any of this."

"That's because he's a lying, manipulative con artist," Sam declared.

Bobby grunted. "Can't disagree."

"Because it's true," Castiel agreed. "But that doesn't change how I feel. That's why I had to tell the truth."

"Don't care. I don't trust you," Sam informed Castiel.

The angel looked like an admonished child. "I don't blame you. I've given you absolutely no reason to trust me. But I'm not lying about what I feel for Dean." He turned to look lovingly at Dean. "I would do anything, anything at all, for one chance to be with you."

A hand snaked over to clutch Dean's as it rested on the table. Dean stared at it.

"Dean is the one thing in my life right now that I'm sure of," Castiel was saying to Bobby and Sam. "If you want me to stay away from him, I understand completely. I will get up and go right out that door, and you will never see me again. But more than anything," he continued as Dean started to protest, "I'd like to stay. I'm asking for a chance, one chance to prove myself. Now you know the truth about me, what I really am? I'd like to start over. Let me earn your trust, and earn the right to have a relationship with Dean, a real one, as a man."

"You're not a man!" Dean blurted out. "You're an angel, Castiel, the angel of the Lord. Your eyes, back in the car, when you yelled at me for not believing I deserved to be saved? Those weren't human."

"Dean, I'm not sure what you saw," Castiel began, "but there isn't anything unusual about my eyes. I'm not an angel. I have these," he indicated his wings, "and I'm stronger than average. But all of those are mutations, things I was born with. My eyes, just like the rest of me, are very much human."

No!" Dean was shaking his head so hard he was making himself dizzy. "No, you saved me, the meteor…"

"Very nearly killed us both," Castiel said ruefully, "and I barely remember it. Maybe you do have a guardian angel. Or maybe it was meant for me, some sort of divine punishment for all my sins? I suppose that should have been more of a wake-up call. Perhaps it was. If I regain my memories, I hope that this experience leads me to become a better man than I've been so far, a man perhaps worthy of you."

Dean was speechless. His thoughts were a jumble. "You're Castiel," he said weakly. "You're an…"

"I'm a man. I'm Jimmy Novak until I remember my real name. But I'm not an angel Dean." Jimmy's eyes were full of sorrow. "I'm sorry I hurt you. But I refuse to hurt you any more."

"You're… a man?" Dean asked weakly. "You're not an angel? You're just some kind of… con artist?"

"And I would do whatever I could to make that up to you, if I only had the chance. Even if it meant you hated me in the end." Jimmy looked back at Bobby. "If it would help that I stay away from him…?"

"I think it would, Jimmy." Bobby got up. "You did a pretty brave thing, coming clean the way you did. But I'm not convinced it's not because you knew the jig was up. So here's what I propose." He jerked a thumb over his shoulder. "I got a guest room in the back. You can stay there, at least until you're healed up, on the condition that you stay away from Dean."

"What?!" Sam sputtered. "Bobby, why the hell would you do that?"

"Because I'm not the type of man who throws an injured man out into the street," Bobby retorted. "Jimmy here just admitted he's a con artist, but I've been around the block a time or two. In that time, I've come to believe I'm a damned good judge of character. Whatever his reason for suddenly coming clean? I believe him when he says he really does care about Dean."

Sam scoffed. "Who cares what he cares about? I don't want him near my brother."

"You don't own me, Sam!" Dean snapped, suddenly irritated.

"No one owns you, Dean," Bobby agreed. "But Sam? You and I have tried for years to reach Dean, along with everyone else we know. And none of us has had any real luck. Jimmy here? He's the first one in a while that I honestly believe has a chance to get through to Dean. Having him here, as he really is? I think that might just do Dean some good. Your brother needs to see that Jimmy isn't an angel. Just a man." He glanced briefly at Dean before turning back to address Jimmy. "Any time you're in the house and Dean's there, one of us," he pointed between himself and Sam, "needs to be with you. That might just help Dean remember what's real and what comes from his PTSD. But that's as far as my generosity goes. You want room and board, you earn it. I'll find plenty for you to do. Meanwhile, you stay away from Dean. Sam?"

Sam nodded. "I'll stay with Dean. And you?" Sam's eyes narrowed dangerously at Jimmy. "Bobby is willing to give you a chance, and it's his house. But if it were up to me, you'd be in prison! I catch you anywhere near my brother without one of us to chaperone, and you'll find yourself with a few more casts. You don't talk to him, you don't write him notes, you don't even wave at him unless one of us is there, too. Do I make myself clear?"

Jimmy nodded sadly. "You do. Thank you for your undeserved kindness. I'll do whatever I must to earn your trust. And Dean?" He smiled, his eyes full of pain. "I hope, someday, when you're no longer confused, you'll find it in your heart to forgive me. Then maybe we can explore what's between us."

Dean didn't know what to say. He only nodded.