19 - The Traveling Show

The days went by, one running into the other. Most of them were endless, staring at the walls behind the sealed door, just sitting quietly, letting the time pass. He was given clothes, cast-off suits that Adler had worn as he traveled about, advertising his ministry, that had been altered by Hannah to fit Emmanuel. At least now he understood why he'd originally been wearing a suit when he'd first met Dean - it was all he owned. As long as he obeyed, stayed quiet, and deferred to Adler, he was well fed. He was even allowed out every now and then to use the tanning bed. He exercised in his room. He had all he needed to stay physically healthy.

His mental health was another story. Emmanuel learned to be grateful for the pills he was given. They helped lull his mind, settle him, help him to accept his unwelcome lot in life. With nothing to do but meditate, more of his memories returned. Years of living in this tiny room, his only interaction with anyone limited to through the slot or performing "miracles" for Adler's shows. Before, it hadn't been so bad. Emmanuel hadn't known any other life than this. He'd been unhappy, certainly, but he hadn't really known there was anything different. He hadn't understood that there was a whole other life outside of his door, a world full of people and laughter and…

No. Don't think about love. That wasn't something that Emmanuel could bear, the knowledge that he'd never know love again.

It wasn't like he was simply taking everything lying down. He constantly watched for a way to escape. Once, during a trip to the Adlers' tanning bed, he'd managed to climb out unnoticed and race out the RV's door completely naked. Unfortunately, he hadn't been able to get the ankle bracelet off. The shock had been enough to leave him twitching on the ground. The impact had made his wing ache for hours. Adler's response had been memorable.

He'd tried refusing to come out during a show. That had backfired spectacularly. Adler had sorrowfully announced that someone in the room was "too full of sin" for Castiel to appear. He'd wound the crowd up into a frenzy, turning on each other and almost ready for violence before Emmanuel, frantic to prevent bloodshed, had signaled to Hannah to bring the mist back up so he could appear.

He'd tried going on a hunger strike. Adler had simply informed him that if he died of starvation, they'd dump his body on the side of the road. "No one cares about you, Emmanuel," the man had explained cheerfully. "You're good for business, but I survived before I had the Angel Castiel, and I'll survive after. You're nothing but a winged freak. Your only purpose, the only way you could contribute to anything at all, is my show. If you died right now? The world wouldn't even notice. So go ahead and starve. It's expensive to keep you fed anyway."

The pain of this, that no one would even notice if he died, had been worse than the worst of his hunger pangs. He'd started eating again. Why not? Adler was right. What he was doing was wrong, but what else did he have to offer? At least Adler gave him a reason to exist. He remembered the stares, the pointing fingers and laughter when he'd walked on the street. Until then, he hadn't known to be ashamed of his own body. No wonder Adler kept him locked up, away from the mocking laughter. It was probably for the best.

He was useless.

He was a freak.

He wasn't good for anything except for playing Castiel in Adler's show.

Adler, of course, had explained all of this to him in his usual cheerful manner. "But don't worry," he'd soothed. "Whatever you may think about what we're doing, you're bringing hope to people who don't have any. Really, isn't it better that they have hope?"

Emmanuel couldn't think of an argument to that. In fact, the longer he'd been there, the less he could think of arguments to anything Adler was saying. The pills he was being given had increased, right about the time Adler started coming to his door and talking to him. By then, Emmanuel, starved for human contact, had come to welcome any company at all. Even though part of him knew what Adler was saying was wrong, he found he simply didn't have the strength to fight anymore.

Now the lock was being opened on the door of his room. Emmanuel looked up, unsurprised to see Adler coming in. The man was carrying his most recent suit, while wearing another. "New clothes," he'd announced, throwing the altered suit onto the bed next to Emmanuel. "Get cleaned up. We're coming up on a new town and we've already done some work ahead of time, getting people ready for the show. We'll put on a small performance once we arrive, stir things up. That should get us in a good position for the big tent revival."

"We're doing the tent revival?" Emmanuel numbly picked at the suit. "I know you've been talking about it, but you've finally decided to do it now?"

Adler nodded. "This is right in the middle of the Bible Belt, Emmanuel. People here are hungry for a good old-fashioned tent revival. We won't bring in much tonight, but the revival in a couple of days?" He clapped his hands gleefully together. "This is it, Emmanuel. We do this right, and word will spread. We'll be able to finally afford to get out of this stinking trailer, into a more modern version…"

"Complete with a hidden room to lock me away?"

Adler paused, eyeing Emmanuel. He scoffed. "What would you prefer? A five-star hotel room with a jacuzzi? You know your place. No one would have you, not even if we paid them!"

"That's not true," Emmanuel replied. His voice was devoid of emotion. "I had a hotel room when I came to Louisiana. They looked at me, but they didn't throw me out."

Adler scoffed. "One, a place that cheap would literally let in a dog off the street if it had the money for the room. Two, unlike that dog, it was only a matter of time before you were thrown out. No one would want a freak like you staying, driving off customers."

Emmanuel didn't respond. He simply stared at the suit.

"Get up," Adler ordered. "Get cleaned up and Hannah will be in to get you ready. We've got a show to do. Do well and you'll get a hot meal tonight. Meanwhile drop the attitude, Emmanuel. If you do anything to embarrass me tonight, I'll make sure you and Hannah both regret it." With that, he turned on his heel, slamming the door closed behind him. A second later, Emmanuel heard the lock turn.

Emmanuel stayed as he was for a moment, staring at the suit. Then he sighed, got up, and started getting undressed. At least he could change into the suit after the show. It would be nice not to have to put the dirty one he was wearing back on.

Adler was in rare form tonight. The prospect of money, Emmanuel had realized, tended to do that to him. His voice rose and fell, expertly playing the emotions of whatever poor souls he was about to fraud. Any moment now.

"…on your mighty wings, feathers black as night…"

Emmanuel forced his emotions aside and came out. At least his wing was getting stronger. It didn't hurt nearly as much as it used to to part the mist and appear.

"Welcome, Castiel, Angel of the Lord," Adler said. His eyes were full of reverence, his voice low but still easily understood by the wide-eyed family that stared at Emmanuel. It was a middle-aged couple with a young woman in her twenties, probably their daughter. The man was wearing an inexpensive suit and tie and seated in a wheelchair. The woman was wearing a long flowered dress, and the daughter was in a blue sundress. All three stared at Emmanuel.

"I humbly beseech you to lay out your hands and cure this man of his illness," Adler was saying. "He is trapped in this wheelchair, the result of a spinal injury sustained at work. Without his income, this family will soon lose their home. Castiel, I beseech you. Please touch his spine so that the nerves can regrow and, so long as he keeps the good faith, he will soon walk again."

"Of course." This was the hitch. Of course, Emmanuel couldn't actually heal anyone, and a man confined to a wheelchair wouldn't really get up and walk. But with these carefully-considered words, in a few days, when nothing happened and the man was still wheelchair bound, the stage was set for him to blame himself or his family for a lack of faith. It made Emmanuel's heart twist, made his stomach drop. But he had no choice. He stretched out his hand. Slowly. As much as he wanted this over with, he had to act like a mighty, powerful angel of the Lord, giving his blessing on behalf of his favorite human, who stood nearby. The family would never know of the weapon in Adler's pocket, how close they were to death.

It completely shocked Emmanuel when the man in the wheelchair suddenly seized his wrist. "Are you really Castiel, the Angel of the Lord?" he asked.

Emmanuel blinked. This was rare, but it wasn't the first time it happened, nor was it something they hadn't prepared for. He narrowed his eyes, twisted free, straightened his back and flared his wings aggressively. "You doubt me? I come at the behest of Preacher Adler to heal you, and you question who I am? I am Castiel, the Angel of the Lord!"

Adler had fallen to his knees. "Please, great angel," he pleaded, "do not be angry! Humans are poor, pitiable, doubtful things."

"Shall I leave, then?" Emmanuel said, remembering his script. "Why should I heal such a man, who has so little faith?"

"We have money!"

Of course. Here was the woman, digging into her purse, shoving bills into Adler's hands. And Adler played his part perfectly. Making the money vanish into his robes, he fell on his face in front of Emmanuel. "Great angel, I call upon our profound bond," he announced loudly. "The man lacks faith, but his good lady wife does not. God once said he would hold his wrath for the sake of a few faithful. For this woman and her beautiful daughter, seeking your aid on behalf of their poor man, I beg of you. Please, heal this man!"

Emmanuel pretended to consider. His eyes moved over the family, and, for the first time, he realized they were familiar. The woman, now on her knees looking hard at him, and her daughter kneeling next to her, were especially familiar. The man, not so much. But looking closer, Emmanuel saw that the man's face was oddly discolored. His cheeks and forehead were dark, the color of someone who worked hard and had been out in the sun. But the rest of his face was a much lighter color. It was almost as though…

…As though the skin had, until recently, been covered by a thick beard.

Emmanuel's knees shook. He froze, and saw Adler look up, alarm and annoyance waging war on his features. His eyes glared a warning. His hand moved closer to the hidden weapon.

"For the sake of your women, I will heal you," Emmanuel announced. Somehow, he managed to keep his voice steady. "May your own faith stay true, so that you will be soon able to walk once more."

He stretched out his hand, lying it on a head that looked more than a little odd, not covered with a hat and beard. Bobby's eyes bore into Emmanuel's, relaying some message Emmanuel couldn't understand. His eyes flicked to Jo and Ellen. They, too, were looking hard at him. When he removed his hand from Bobby, Jo seized it and kissed it. "Thank you, Angel Castiel," she gushed. The blonde looked completely guileless as she clutched Emmanuel's hand. "I know that everything will be alright now. Angels truly are watching over us all."

Emmanuel managed to remember to smile. He nodded as she released his hand and backed up. Backstage, Hannah was bringing up the mist again. Emmanuel stepped back, raising his wings once more. "I shall leave you now," he announced. Then he stepped into the mist, quickly ducked down, and popped quickly back into his trunk.

Outside, Adler was going over his usual post-show nonsense, assuring the "family" that even if Bobby felt no different now, the angel's power was already at work healing the nerves in his spine. "You'll start to feel your legs again in a week," he assured. "In two weeks, you'll be able to walk back up to your old boss and ask for your old job back." Naturally, in two weeks, they'd be long gone. "For now, spread the word. Tell everyone you know that you saw an angel tonight. Tell them to come to the tent revival, and see this miracle for themselves."

"Oh, I assure you, our friends will hear all about this," Ellen was saying. Emmanuel could hear the hidden promise in her words. Jo had told him that angels were watching over them all. The note she'd pressed into his hand felt like fire. He desperately wanted to be allowed privacy to read it. But if Hannah saw it, everything would be over. He had to hide it. Where? His robes would be taken once he was back in the trailer, and he had nothing on under them.

Emmanuel grimaced, realizing there was really only one place he could hide the note. It was uncomfortable, but he managed to grit his teeth and store the note in the one place neither Hannah nor Zachariah would ever think to check.

Even though he was sure the note was hidden, Emmanuel's heart pounded the entire time Hannah assisted him. He had to move carefully to make sure the note didn't become dislodged and fall out.

It seemed like forever, but at last, he was safely locked away in his room. Adler saw fit to reward him with a hot meal consisting of a large bowl of tomato soup, two toasted cheese sandwiches, and a small salad. He was even given metal utensils, with the understanding that he needed to return everything intact. But even before he tucked into the meal, Emmanuel reached deep into the deepest portion of his feathers and carefully withdrew the note. Hiding it deep among the feathers was an idea he congratulated himself on. He had no idea where he might have hidden the note if he hadn't had wings.

The note was simple: COMING FOR YOU AT REVIVAL BE READY DEAN. The words seemed to swim before his eyes. His friends were coming for him. Better yet, Dean was coming for him. Dean was out there somewhere, and, wonder of wonders, he still wanted Emmanuel. In spite of everything, the lies, Dean's own confusion, even the terrible way they'd parted, Dean Winchester still wanted him.

Emmanuel broke. He allowed himself the luxury of lying on the bed for a moment, just breathing. Something deep inside of him, something Adler had all but snuffed out, had come back from a spark into a roaring fire. But he had to be careful. He couldn't let Adler know he was anything but the broken shell of a man he'd been. That meant he had to continue to act as he'd been acting, the broken man just going through the motions. Alright. He could do that. For starters, he'd tuck into his meal, the way the Adlers expected him to. After that, well, all he could do was wait.

Thinking quickly, he flushed the note. Then he went back to his table and ate. For the first time in too long, he had hope.

The revival was, bar none, the biggest thing Adler had ever done. Emmanuel knew that because Zachariah and Hannah told him on a daily basis. "This is it, Emmanuel," Hannah whispered as she helped him prepare. "This is the big time. Do this, and we'll be able to finally have our place on the traveling circuit. Father Dinario himself is going to be at this revival, Emmanuel! Do well, and he'll make us part of his show!"

Father Dinario. That was a name Emmanuel had heard before. Apparently, Adler had once been a protege of the traveling preacher, before the two quarreled and Adler had gone his own way. Being as popular as Dinario had been a dream Adler had long chased. Dinario, apparently, didn't need to stick to backwater towns and work at drumming up interest in his own shows. The man traveled to where he was invited and was greeted with open arms. Still, Emmanuel privately wondered just how willing Dinario would be to share the spotlight with his former protege. The one and only time Adler had teamed up with another preacher had ended poorly.

Hannah didn't seem to be worried. If anything, she seemed to be suffering from some sort of stage fright. Her hand shook slightly as she applied his make-up. "Whatever you do, don't mess this up," she warned. "This is Zach's big chance. If you do anything to mess up this show, Emmanuel? He may literally kill you!"

It went unsaid that Adler might just kill them both. Emmanuel didn't doubt it, but she didn't have to worry. He had no intention of messing up the show. He'd leave that to Dean and his friends.