DESTINY - CHAPTER 14

Ahsoka accepted the steaming cup of caf Dian'thy handed her. He touched her shoulder reassuringly, dropping into the seat next to her at the small table while Manami continued their morning briefing. They'd moved their meetings back to the storage shed after the communications hut had been destroyed and an unconscious Rex had been moved to Ahsoka's hut for medical treatment.

Ahsoka slouched back in her chair and took a long drink. She was dead tired, hardly having slept in the nine days since the incident with the pirates.

The incident. Ahsoka didn't know what else to call it. It was too frightening to admit the truth — that she'd once again let her anger and fear overwhelm her and lost control of the Force. The tenuous veil separating the light and the dark had been drawn aside, if only for a moment, but long enough for her to have glimpsed the monster that awaited her. The monster she could become.

Ahsoka shook herself and pulled her attention back to the meeting as Manami brought everyone up to date on the clan's efforts to rebound from the pirate's attack.

They'd begun rebuilding the communications hut. Waunado and Reesa had found salvaged communications equipment tucked away in the storage shed that would work for the time being.

As for the pirates, they'd been locked in their own slave cages. Their ship had been flown to the edge of Republic controlled space and an anonymous transmission sent to the closest GAR garrison directing them to where they could find a Black Sun Syndicate ship and crew, gift-wrapped and ready to be taken into custody.

Some clan members had received a few bumps, scrapes and bruises during the pirates' raid. Those had been easily treated by the doctor living in the community. Fortunately, no one had been seriously hurt.

Except for the Falleen leader. Ahsoka thought.

Except for Rex.

He lay unconscious in Ahsoka's hut where she'd stood vigil over him day and night. The only time she had left his side was to attend the morning council meetings. The clan still looked to her for leadership, especially after the pirates' attack. Her presence at the morning meetings was as much to maintain morale for the council, as to provide any meaningful input.

Where she really wanted to be was in her hut, by the side of the man who'd risked everything to protect the people she cared most about. People he barely knew.

Eventually, Manami finished the briefing and their business was complete. Everyone rose to go about their tasks for the day.

Ahsoka turned to Dian'thy, posing a question she'd been avoiding for the past nine days. "Are people … afraid of me?"

Dian'thy stroked his chin thoughtfully before answering. "Not afraid, exactly. They are more … surprised … than fearful. Many of us have seen Force users before. Most commonly, the Jedi. But because you are not a Jedi and our people don't know your past, they are curious."

"Maybe it's time I step aside. If they've lost confidence in me, someone else should lead," Ahsoka said.

"Do not act hastily, Soka. I do not believe your credibility to lead has been compromised. However, you will eventually need to provide some type of explanation. But that time has not arrived. Soon, perhaps, but not yet."

Ahsoka just nodded.

"Tell me, how is Rex?" Dian'thy asked.

Ahsoka let out a disheartened sigh. "Still unconscious."

"Is there any idea why?"

"No. His blaster wounds weren't life threatening, thank the Maker. The doctor treated his external wounds and T'annon has exhausted herself working to heal his internal injuries. But he still won't wake up."

"That is most troubling," Dian'thy said with a frown.

"We don't have the equipment to adequately feed or hydrate him in this condition," Ahsoka said. "He's getting weaker by the day."

"I know you want to get back to him. I will not keep you any longer."

"Thank you, Dian'thy."

Ahsoka took her caf and walked quickly across the snow crusted ground to her hut. Entering, she saw T'annon sitting cross-legged on a cushion by the fire next to Rex who lay on a sleeping mat, surrounded by soft cushions and partially covered by a light blanket. Ashoka lowered herself to a cushion beside T'annon and took one of the girl's small hands in hers.

"Thank you for watching Rex," Ahsoka said.

T'annon turned to Ahsoka, her eyes wide, her lips quivering. "I have tried and tried. But he will not wake. I want him to get better."

"I know," Ahsoka said and squeezed T'annon's hand. "I want him to get better, too."

"You do? I thought you were angry with Rex."

Ahsoka cringed. "I was angry at first," she said. "But after a while I realized it wasn't Rex that made me angry."

"What made you angry?" T'annon asked.

Ahsoka thought for a moment, trying to put such a complicated concept into words a young adolescent could understand.

"When the war destroyed my world, it made me very angry. I've learned that when I'm angry, it's because I'm really afraid of something." Ahsoka finally said.

"You get afraid?" T'annon said, her eyes wide in disbelief.

"Sure," Ahsoka said. "We all get afraid sometimes."

T'annon seemed to consider that for a moment. Then she nodded and said, "What were you afraid of?"

"That if I allowed myself to feel sad about my people, I'd never feel happy again."

"Oh," T'annon said in a small voice. Her wide eyes blinked at Ahsoka and then she returned her attention back to Rex.

Ahsoka turned her attention to Rex as well. She watched his chest rise and fall in a slow, steady rhythm. He was clothed in a loose fitting linen shirt and pants, making it easy for the doctor to change the bacta patches over his blaster and burn wounds. He looked so different without his black bodysuit, without his white armor. Ahsoka had come to see him as powerful and strong. But laying there he seemed weak and fragile. He was alive and she was grateful for that. But she didn't need the Force to help her see that his life force energy was slipping away.

In fact, Ahsoka didn't need the Force for anything. She'd cut off her connection with the Force after she'd killed the pirate 'd raised her mental and spiritual shields, reinforcing them with her guilt and her fear.

She was dangerous and she couldn't allow her weakness to harm anyone else. She'd failed in her responsibility to protect her clan. She'd lost control of her abilities with the Force. And she was unable to help the person who had saved them all.

Although Ahsoka felt her decision made everyone safer, the cost tore at her soul. The loneliness and isolation had begun to take its toll. Her resilience had been taxed to its breaking point. She was tired and confused and afraid. Even though it was by her own choice, she still had no one to turn to, not even Dian'thy.

Ahsoka was alone now, just as she'd been when she'd closed herself off after Shili had been destroyed and she'd made the decision to leave the Jedi. She'd never felt more powerless than during that time in her life — until today.

Beside her T'annon choked back a sob. "I think Rex is afraid," she said.

Ahsoka turn to T'annon, puzzled by her comment. "What do you mean?"

"When I am healing him, his energy feels the same way I felt after you saved me from the Dug."

"How?"

"When you brought me to the ship, I could not leave my cabin," T'annon said. "I felt lost and I was afraid."

"I remember," Ahsoka said.

"I had always been a slave. I did not know how to be anything else. But you taught me how to be free. It took a long time, but I am not afraid anymore." T'annon stifled another sob and turned her gaze back to Rex's still form. "I wish I could help Rex to not be afraid."

T'annon's words lifted a fog that had settled over Ahsoka, the young healer's insight now making perfect sense. Though not a Force user like Ahsoka, T'annon's ability to heal came from her ability to channel the Force through her. T'annon could connect in a rudimentary way with her patient's emotional energy, one of the most powerful components of any being's Force signature.

If Ahsoka hadn't cut herself off from the Force nine days ago, she would also have felt Rex's fear. Fear of which she was almost positive she knew the origin.

In her guilt and shame Ahsoka had isolated herself from her clan and the Force. And also from Rex — who needed her help. He'd told her that it was his family — his clone brothers — that were always there to help him carry a burden too heavy for him to bear alone. But now, when everything that made him who he was had been called into question, his brothers weren't present to help him survive his doubt and fear. Ahsoka had ripped Rex from his family and locked him up.

Ahsoka's eyes widened at the realization that Rex was dying because of her decisions.

She needed to repair the damage she'd caused. She needed to act, now. She needed to find Rex and guide him back to the world of the living. She just hoped she wasn't too late.

"T'annon," Ahsoka said. "You have been working very hard. Why don't you go and eat and then rest for a while."

"But I do not want to leave Rex," T'annon said.

"Rex will be safe. You can come and sit with him this evening. How does that sound?"

T'annon looked thoughtful for a moment, then she asked, "You will stay with him?"

"I won't leave his side."

"Then, I will do what you ask." T'annon rose and paused at Ahsoka's door, looking back over her shoulder. "I miss him," she said. Then turned and walked away.

"I know," Ahsoka whispered to herself. "I miss him too."

Ahsoka stared at Rex's deathlike form lying next to the fire. Anxiety swelled in her chest as she considered what she had to do. To prevent Rex from dying she needed to delve deep into the Force to find him and show him the way back before it was too late.

Doubt crept into Ahsoka's thoughts. She understood what needed be done, but this was beyond her experience and training. Master Plo had told her she was strong in the Force, more than any ppadawan he'd ever seen, even more than some knights. When she'd had doubts he'd always told her to trust her instincts.

All right, Master Plo. Here I go, trusting my instincts.

Ahsoka moved her cushion close to Rex and crossed her legs in front of her. Gently laying her hands on Rex's chest Ahsoka closed her eyes and bowed her head.

"Rex," she said, her voice barely a whisper, "I'm not sure why our paths have crossed. But I believe it's the will of the Force — or maybe even destiny — and that we're to play some part in each other's life. I don't know how or what that will be, but I want the chance to find out."

Emotion tightened Ahsoka's throat making it hard to speak, but she continued. "I know you're afraid," she whispered. "I'm afraid, too. But I'm still here. I won't let you carry your burden alone."

Ahsoka took Rex's hand in one of hers. She squeezed her closed eyes tighter in concentration. "You need to come back to us, Rex," she breathed. "You're important to us. You're important to me."

Slowly Ahsoka let the walls she'd built around herself dissolve. She cautiously reached out with her mind, asking the Force for help and opening herself to its guidance. She felt the Force began to flow into her, powerful and purposeful. She let it suffuse her as she passed into a state of deep meditation. She began to chant, her voice barely audible.

"I am one with the Force and the Force is with me. I am one with the Force and the Force is with me."

Over and over the words left her lips in a murmur, until finally her mind and body sank deep into the Force and her voice silenced.

Ahsoka floated through the Force, becoming energy and light — everything and nothing all at once. Words didn't exist. Everything manifested as images within her incorporeal consciousness.

Ahsoka reached out, searching for Rex — for his life energy, his Force signature. Panic began to rise in her when she couldn't find him, and she had to force herself to calm and find her center. She sent an image to the Force of a time she had needed help and the Force had answered powerfully — the time when she had built her first lightsaber. She let that same need for help fill her now.

As she focused on that memory and the feeling it evoked, the image grew cloudy for an instant. Then it cleared, replaced by the faint glowing of a Force signature. It was weak and fragile, and it was Rex. Relief flowed through her. Now that she'd found him, she needed to coax him back.

Ahsoka invited the power of the Force fully within her now, no hesitation, no holding back. She surrounded Rex's life force with her own. Instinct spoke to her, telling Ahsoka that Rex needed to feel safe in order to return to the living world. She sought an image that made her feel safe so she could project that emotion to Rex.

She was surprised that the first thing that came to her was an image of she and Rex playing Sabacc. But then Ahsoka realized why that image had come to her so effortlessly. She had felt safe during those hours. No life and death responsibilities on her shoulders. No fear of the dark side consuming her. No judgment or resentment from Rex. Only acceptance and understanding. She had felt at peace.

Ahsoka centered on that image, letting the feelings of calm and serenity swell in the Force. She willed those feelings to flow into Rex as her energy swirled around his. As she focused, she felt Rex's life force take notice, turning its attention to her, growing just a little stronger.

As her Force signature pulsed with hope, Ahsoka searched for an image to communicate that Rex wouldn't have to face his fears alone. There had been very few times in her life where Ahsoka had not felt alone and the feeling was hard to connect to. Again, she let go, trusting that her instincts would give her what she needed.

The image they provided surprised her again. She and Rex were talking the night after she'd had to kill one of the pirates that had attacked her salvage team. He'd listened to her and understood her deeper pain. What he'd said had helped her cope with her guilt for killing the pirate, but also the grief that dwelled deeper in her soul. He'd cared about her. In that moment she hadn't felt alone.

Ahsoka made the image crystal clear and it powered the feelings within her. She surrounded Rex's energy with her emotion, willing him to believe and trust. His life force glowed brighter and then pulsed gently as it tentatively reached out to her own.

Hope turned to determination. He was so close. His life force almost at the point of turning back and embracing the living world. Ahsoka just needed to convey that he had the strength to survive and to persevere.

A vision of Rex in just his blacks, lifting and moving the crates in the storage building materialized. His muscles tightened and bunched as he strained. Ahsoka had been in awe of his power and strength. She pushed that feeling through her life force into his. His energy pulsed and tendrils stretched out, reaching for Ahsoka. He was so close.

As Ahsoka focused on the image of Rex in the storage building, another feeling rushed into her, unbidden.

Desire.

She'd felt it that day as she'd watched Rex straining over the crates. As she'd tried to quell it then, she frantically tried to stop it now. But it was too late. Want pulsed out from her life force spilling into his.

Rex's energy exploded with the brightness of a supernova, expanding outward. It enveloped her, encompassing the totality of her awareness as it filled the Force around her.

Suddenly Ahsoka's consciousness rocketed back through the Force, slamming into her body as she felt weak fingers stir against her own.

Her eyes snapped open. She stared at Rex's hand in hers, afraid she'd only imagined his fingers moving, but desperately needing it to be true. She watched anxiously as Rex's eyelids fluttered and then parted into slits. He took in a breath and let out a weak cough.

Exhaling sharply, Ahsoka reeled as emotions crashed into her. Relief that Rex hadn't died because of her decisions. Humility that the Force had deemed her a worthy channel of its power. And apprehension about what had unintentionally been revealed to Rex through their Force connection.

Ahsoka watched his blurry eyes struggling to open as they peered up at her. His fingers tightened around her hand and a hoarse whisper came from his lips.

"Ahsoka?"

All the emotions that had run rampant inside her a moment before dissolved like a mist in the wind. Her chest grew tight with gratitude. She struggled to take in a shaky breath, fighting to keep the stinging tears in her eyes from falling.

"I'm here," Ahsoka whispered back, giving him a weak smile.

Rex coughed again, taking a moment to catch his breath. Finally able to breathe again, he said, "You came for me."

The wonder in his voice broke down the last of Ahsoka's already exhausted defenses. She bowed her head as silent tears fell from closed eyes.

After a moment Ahsoka felt Rex's hand pull away from hers. She released it and opened her eyes, following his shaking arm as he reached for her face. Trembling fingers clumsily traced the tear track running down one cheek. The tenderness of his touch overwhelmed her, evoking more tears.

Then exhaustion overcame him and his hand started to drop away. But Ahsoka caught it in both of hers, pulling it back to her face and pressing her cheek into his fingers, unwilling to let him go. She was rewarded with a weak smile as Rex's eyes began to flutter close.

His lips parted and a word she didn't recognize came on a soft breath of air.

"Mesh'la."

His arm went slack and Ahsoka sensed him dropping into a deep, restful sleep.