DESTINY - CHAPTER 18
Rex dropped to the ground, rolled onto his back and pressed his feet and hands against the light freighter's landing strut, pushing with all his might.
"Another centimeter is required," Waunado said in his detached and efficient tone as he tried to fit a large wrench onto a fastening nut.
"I'm pushing, I'm pushing," Rex grunted.
"You must push harder," Waunado replied.
"Hey, Michael," Rex called out. "Give me a hand."
Michael rushed over and dropped to the ground. Rolling onto his back, he added his feet and hands to the strut, huffing and grunting as both humans pushed for all they where worth.
"Ah ha!" Waunado cried out in triumph as the wrench slipped around the nut and he tightened it down against the strut housing. "It is finished. I have spoken."
Both Rex and Michael let out sighs of relief and let their muscles relax, leg and arms flopping to the ground. Michael extended a fist to Rex who bumped it in victory.
"Laying down on the job, I see."
Rex jerked up at the sound of Ahsoka's voice and rammed his head into one of the hydraulic cylinders of the strut assembly.
"Haar'chak!" he cursed, grabbing his head.
"Woa, you okay there, buddy," Michael said, trying unsuccessfully to suppress a laugh.
Rex gave Michael a scowl.
Kip and Trax had stopped their work on the other landing strut, exerting less effort than Michael to hide their laughter.
Rex crawled out from under the strut and stood, rubbing his head. Ahsoka stepped closer, clearly having as much trouble keeping a straight face as the rest of them.
"Haar'chak?" she questioned.
"You don't want to know," Rex grumbled.
"More Mando'a?"
"Yeah. It sort of slips out when I'm not careful."
"I see."
Rex watched as Ahsoka tried to hide her mirth at his misfortune. While he was a little irritated by the others' amusement at his expense, it was the opposite with Ahsoka. Her face was almost always serious, weighed down by the responsibility of caring for the clan. But seeing her smile and hearing her laughter warmed Rex's heart. The way her eyes flashed and the corners of her mouth turned up could easily become addictive. Rex would gladly crash his head into something every day if that would ease her burden and lighten her spirit.
"You've been busy," Rex said, wiping his dirty hands on his pant legs.
"Yes, sorry. Our morning meeting turned into an all-day meeting. There's a lot going on," Ahsoka replied.
"No problem. Waunado drafted me into service. He said now that my … vacation … was over, I needed to make myself useful."
"This is so," Waunado said.
Ahsoka smiled at the Ugnaught. "May I borrow Rex for a moment, Waunado?"
"We have finished for the day, Commander," Waunado said. "He is yours to do with as you wish."
Rex felt his ears heat up at Waunado's unintended inuendo. The Ugnaught had no idea of what was going on between Rex and Ahsoka, but his innocent comment made Rex blush, none the less.
The chevrons on Ahsoka's lekku flashed just a little darker, so Rex knew she was a little embarrassed at Waunado's comment as well.
Ahsoka glanced at Rex and suddenly her shy smile disappeared. Her eyes popped open with a worried expression. She reached out and touched the side of his head, then pulled her hand back, her fingers covered with crimson.
"You're bleeding," she said.
Rex reached up and swiped his fingers across scalp, cringing as they brushed across the laceration under his long hair. When he pulled them back they were covered with blood as well.
"It's nothing," Rex said. "Just a bump." He turned to Waunado. "Master Wright, is there a med kit in the ship?"
"This is so," Waunado said. "Follow me, I will show you."
"Give me a second," Rex said to Ahsoka. "I'll patch it up and be right back."
"Do you need any help?" Ahsoka asked.
"Thanks, but if Waunado and I can't handle this, there's no hope for me." Rex said with a grin.
Ahsoka returned his grin and Rex turned and followed Waunado up the ramp and into the ship.
Rex pulled the med kit from a recessed cabinet in the gangway bulkhead. Sitting on the deck so his head was the same height as Waunado's, he opened the kit and pulled out cleaning gauze and a bacta spray and sealant combination. Handing the gauze to Waunado he turned his head sideways and the Ugnaught proceeded to clean the wound.
As Waunado worked on the wound, he asked Rex, "Now that you are no longer a prisoner, what are your plans?"
"Well, Ahsoka's offered to drop me off on a planet with a space port when I'm feeling a little stronger," Rex said.
"I see," Waunado replied, his tone was flat, almost a little impatient. "What will you do then?"
"I'm … not sure," Rex said.
"You will not return to the army?"
"For the longest time, that was all I could think about. How to escape. How to find a way back to the GAR." Rex sighed as the doubts that had amassed over the months of his captivity crept into his thoughts. "But I'm not so sure anymore."
Waunado dropped a bloodied gauze on the deck. He took another one from the med kit and continued to clean the wound.
"I am glad to hear that you question the wisdom of returning to the army," Waunado said. "Have you considered what else you might do? Where else you might go?"
"I've thought about a couple of things," Rex said.
In reality, Rex had only thought about one other option. Staying on Axalon. With the clan. With Ahsoka. But he still wasn't sure how he could make that work.
"You are a good mechanic," Waunado said. "You will find work wherever you decide to go."
"I suppose."
"It is true. You can repair many things," Waunado said as he discarded another bloodied gauze and grabbed a clean one.
"For example, you have repaired the commander's heart," Waunado said, matter of factly. "Not completely, but you have made great progress."
Surprised, Rex turned his head to look at the Ugnaught. The movement dragged Waunado's hand across his cut. "Ow," Rex yelped.
Waunado swatted Rex's shoulder. "You will sit still and turn your head back."
Rex obeyed and swiveled his head back around but tried to keep Waunado in his peripheral vision while the Ugnaught continued his work.
"Can you explain that?" Rex asked.
"I can."
"Well then, will you?"
"I will."
Rex waited for a few moments, then said, "Will you explain that … now. Please."
"As you wish," Waunado said, dabbing the gauze onto Rex's laceration. "I have known the Commander … Ahsoka … longer than anyone else in the clan," Waunado explained. "She liberated me from indentured servitude at a shipyard on Corellia. She paid off my contract and set me free. Because of her actions, I owed her a life-debt."
Rex knew about a Ugnaught life-debt. Such a commitment was honor-bound and a Ugnaught would rather die than break it.
"She forgave my debt," Waunado continued. "But I chose to continue to serve her — not out of obligation, but out of loyalty. We have been friends for many years, long before others started to rally to her leadership. Long before Axalon."
"I didn't know," Rex said.
"It is so," Waunado said, as he dropped the last gauze on the deck and picked up the bacta-sealant spray.
"Ahsoka is a being of light and beauty in a galaxy that is dark and ugly," Waunado continued. "A heavy burden it is, to fight against that darkness. She chooses to bear more than her fair share and the cost is high."
"What do you mean?" Rex asked.
Waunado applied the bacta spray on Rex's wound. With a gauze he wiped off the excess, then placed the items back in the med kit. He turned to Rex so they were eye to eye.
"A starship that is beautiful, fast and powerful is a marvel to behold," Waunado said. "My race knows that such a marvel requires care and attention. Our blood sings to the machine through our hands and our minds. Our hearts protect its beauty, praise its speed and nurture its power. The sleeker and faster and more powerful, the more care and attention it requires. To ignore that reality leads to a path of decline, decay and disaster."
Waunado reached out and turned Rex's head to examine his handiwork. He let out a satisfied grunt.
"For the past several years I have watched Ahsoka trudge that path," Waunado continued. "Her spirit shines less bright. Her joy is fleeting. Her peace is elusive. She is lonely and sad and tired."
Waunado glanced away and Rex thought a look of guilt flashed across his face.
"I have tried to help her," Waunado said. "But I am not the correct Wright for the job. I have not been able to give her what her spirit needs." He brought his eyes back to Rex. "But you have."
"But I have … what?" Rex asked, confused.
"Your spirit sings to hers," Waunado said, raising both hands in emphasis. "You protect her, praise her, nurture her. In the months since you arrived I have witnessed the return of hope to her eyes and fire to her heart."
"I … ah … I don't know what to say," Rex said.
"There is nothing for you to say. It is so."
Rex just nodded. He wasn't completely sure about Waunado's perception of everything, but he knew better than to get into a debate with a Ugnaught. However, it seemed Waunado wasn't finished just yet.
"The same is true about you," Waunado said, pinning Rex with an intense glare.
"What's true about me?"
"I have observed you every day over the past many months, just as I have observed Ahsoka. The man who took over my storage building is not the same man in front of me today."
"I'm pretty sure I'm still me. Nothing much has changed … other than the long hair and the beard."
Waunado let out an impatient huff. "You have changed. You are different. You are better. No longer are you just a clone, one lost in a sea of millions. You are unique, an individual with free will, following your destiny."
Waunado leaned forward and poked his finger into Rex's chest, his voice growing in both volume and conviction. "No longer do you mindlessly follow a code of honor and duty because it was programed into you like a droid. You choose to practice honor and duty because of the impact of your actions on others — the innocent you protect, the needy you help.
"Ahsoka's spirit sings to yours, as much as yours sings to hers. All that is good and right and beautiful in you is only made stronger by all that is good and right and beautiful in her."
Waunado stopped abruptly. He took a step back and forced his breathing to calm. After a few moments he crossed his short arms over his chest.
"I am old. I speak my mind. Sometimes I should not. But it is my nature." He let out a long breath. "You are my friend. I have spoken."
Ahsoka watched Waunado lead Rex up the ramp into the freighter. She still wasn't sure exactly how she was going to have her conversation with Rex, so she was happy for the brief reprieve.
Ahsoka turned back to her crew. "Well boys, how are the repairs coming?"
"We're making progress," Michael said. "Rex is a big help."
"So, Commander, is Rex gonna stick around?" Kip asked as he and Trax approached she and Michael.
"I … don't really know," she replied.
"He's one hell of a fighter," Michael said. "He'd be a great addition to the salvage crew."
"Because he's a captain in the army, I'd wager he's a good tactician as well," Trax added. The Bothan rubbed at his hairy jaw. "That's another good reason he'd be an asset for off-world missions."
"He's funny, too," Kip added. "If Rex was around he'd lighten things up. Bandrix and Jin are always too serious."
Ahsoka crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back as three of her best crew members ganged-up on her. Though, she couldn't deny the fact that all their points were valid.
"You do remember," Ahsoka said, "that Rex is a soldier that I've held prisoner for months. I'm pretty sure, now that he's free, he has plans other than staying on Axalon."
"Like what?" Michael said. "Going back to the army? That won't end well." He shook his head in disgust. "I was a civilian dock worker at one of the star destroyer bases on Courscant for a year after the war started. I saw how clones were treated. If the GAR finds out Rex gave us those boarding codes, he's as good as dead."
Trax and Kip nodded in agreement.
"There's got to be a way to get him to stay," Michael said. "Or at least, convince him to not go back to the GAR."
"Can't you do something, Comander?" Trax asked.
"He'll listen to you," Kip added.
"Why would he listen to me?" Ahsoka said.
Kip's smile was sly. "If he'd follow you into hell, I'm pretty sure he'd consider what you have to say."
"Yeah … well … who's to say what's best for him?" Ahsoka said.
Michael squinted his eyes and pinned Ahsoka with suspicious look. "Are you saying you don't want him to stay?"
"No!" Ahsoka said, a little too quickly. She took in a breath and calmed her voice. "No, that's not what I mean. It's what Rex wants that's important."
"What does Rex want?" Kip asked.
"I don't know," Ahsoka said, the frustration of the conversation beginning to build inside her.
"Then ask him," Trax said.
"And tell him what you want," Kip added.
Ahsoka stared at the ground and pushed out a long breath. "I'm … working on it," she said.
Ahsoka raised her head at the thump of boots on the boarding ramp and the others turned to watch the return of Rex and Waunado.
"Rex has been repaired" Waunado said. "Our work is finished for today. Thank you all. I have spoken."
Both Rex and Ahsoka said their goodbyes to Waunado and the rest. She started walking across the landing field, away from the camp, Rex right behind her. Ahsoka's stomached tightened in anticipation of the difficult discussion she was about to have.
Ahsoka was quiet as she led the way but Rex could tell she was far from calm. He could feel waves of anxiety radiating from her, the jittery energy surrounding him. It was familiar, like the faint touch of Force energy coming from General Skywalker when they were running headlong into battle.
But Ahsoka's energy was exponentially more powerful than the fleeting whispers he'd sensed from the Jedi. It touched every nerve ending in his body, commanded the attention of every cell. It wasn't invasive like the time when she'd tried to pry into his mind, but it enveloped him like his armor.
He shook his head, trying to clear the anxiety that had begun to settle there. He knew it wasn't his anxiety, it was hers. There had to be some type of Force connection between the two of them and right now, the channel was wide open.
Rex remained silent as they walked along. On the far side of the field Ahsoka entered the trees and began to walk up the hillside that surrounded that end of the clearing. After a few minutes of climbing they reached the top of the hill and a small rock outcropping. Ahsoka walked to a large, flat boulder and sat, gesturing for Rex to join her.
Rex sat, crossed his legs, and looked down on the landing field, the camp, and the forest that stretched out for several kilometers until the trees met the low hills to the north. He took a moment to appreciate the view. A cool breeze tugged at his longer hair, the wind's whisper punctuating the quiet serenity of the world around them.
"It's beautiful up here," Rex said.
"I love it here," Ahsoka said. "It's where I come to think."
Rex studied Ahsoka's profile as she looked out across the landscape. Her expression was serious, almost grim.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
Ahsoka didn't respond, but instead, kept staring out across the treetops to the hills beyond. The afternoon light was waning, the air growing colder. She pulled her cloak tighter around her. Rex did the same and waited.
After a while, with her eyes still on the forest, Ahsoka said, "I'm sorry about this morning."
"Sorry about what, exactly?" Rex asked.
"I'm … not very good at interacting with others."
"I disagree. You're great with your people."
"That's not what I mean." Ahsoka let out a sigh and turned toward Rex. "I'm not very good at … relationships." She let out a humorless laugh. "In fact, I'm terrible."
"So, this is about the … conversation … between us this morning."
Ahsoka nodded. "I should never have acknowledged anything. I got caught up in the moment. I dropped my guard and I let myself …" Her voice trailed off.
"You let yourself feel," Rex said. "There's nothing wrong with that?"
Ahsoka shook her head. "I don't have the luxury to indulge my feelings. I have a responsibility to keep the clan safe. A responsibility to help those suffering throughout the sector."
Rex watched Ahsoka's shoulders slump as she turned and looked back out over the forest. The energy rolling off her had shifted from anxiety to something else. More like sadness. Or defeat. More like … fear.
"I can't afford to be distracted," Ahsoka said. "And it's not fair to you."
It seemed Waunado had been right about Ahsoka being lonely, sad and tired. But it also seemed that Waunado had been wrong about Rex's presence helping her feel better. Because right now Ahsoka didn't have hope in her eyes and fire in her heart.
After several months of getting to know Ahsoka, Rex knew that now wasn't the right time to try and convince her she was wrong. In fact, as far as he knew, maybe she wasn't wrong. He didn't exactly have a wealth of relationship experience. But he was sure that whatever was happening between them was real and not his imagination. The new and powerful connection to Ahsoka's feelings he'd experienced as they'd walked to the hilltop had convinced him of that, even more.
"The last thing I want to do is make your life more difficult," Rex said. "Tell me what you need me to do."
Ahsoka turned back to Rex. "That's just it," she said, her voice frustrated. "You shouldn't have to do what I want. Or what the GAR wants. Or what anyone else wants, for that matter. You're free now. Not just from me, but from the GAR and the Republic, too. You can decide what you want without the influence of others."
Ahsoka's blue eyes were wide, her expression imploring. Rex could feel her uncertainty, and also her fear. Fear — he realized — for him. He swallowed and forced himself to hold her gaze.
"If you want to go back to the GAR or start a new life somewhere far away from the Republic, I'll give you whatever help I can," Ahsoka continued. "I told you I'd take you to a planet with a space port. We can give you all the credits you need if you decide you want to disappear and start a new life."
A hint of concern began to tighten Rex's chest. It sounded like Ahsoka was trying to get rid of him — to make him leave Axalon. He didn't like that idea at all.
"Do you want me to leave?" Rex asked.
Ahsoka frowned. "That's not what I'm saying. What I mean is, I can't be the reason you decide to stay."
Rex studied Ahsoka. She was guarded and cautious, completely opposite from the open and vulnerable Ahsoka of this morning and the night before. He wondered what had happened to cause her demeanor to change so drastically in just the past few hours. Whatever it was, he didn't like the emotional distance she was putting between them, especially now when it felt like her emotions were hardwired to him.
Ahsoka's energy vibrated against his mind and although it was almost overwhelming, he kept his mental barriers down. But despite the powerful connection, Rex couldn't decipher from her swirling emotions what it was that Ahsoka truly wanted. And if what he wanted was important, what she wanted was important as well.
"How about you?" Rex asked. "What do you want?"
Ahsoka turned away again. "What I want doesn't matter."
"That sounds like a typical Jedi evasion," Rex said.
Ahsoka glanced at Rex from the corner of her eye and let out a low growl of obvious displeasure.
"Well … it does," Rex said. "Always avoiding attachments, ignoring their feelings, putting everyone else before themselves," he scoffed. "Maybe if they'd let themselves have attachments they'd know the fear of losing someone precious. That would motivate them to stop the war instead of continuing to fight."
"What about clones?" Ahsoka said, anger tinging her voice. "They're just like the Jedi. No relationships, no attachments, putting the greater good before themselves by fighting in an endless war."
Rex stared at Ahsoka, her words burning like acid on his skin.
"I love my brothers," Rex said. "They're beside me every hour of every day. I try to protect them. And every time I fail and one falls on the battle field, it rips a hole through me."
He stood and stepped away, folding his arms across his chest, gazing down at the landing field without really seeing anything.
He heard Ahsoka rise but she didn't move toward him.
"Rex, I'm sorry." Her voice was soft. "What I said was uncalled for. Your Jedi comparison caught me off guard. I got angry."
He turned back to her. "Ahsoka, it's not your anger that worries me. It's the fear underneath the anger. Fear is a liar. Fear isolates us from others and makes us feel unworthy. If we believe that what we want doesn't matter, we learn to want nothing."
Ahsoka cast her eyes to the ground. They stood in silence for a long while.
Dusk had arrived, chasing away the daylight and cooling the breeze that rustled the few dead leaves remaining on the trees.
Rex finally said, "We should probably get back."
"You go," Ahsoka said, softly. "I'd like to stay for a while and meditate."
Rex was about to protest but thought better of it and swallowed his words. He nodded, turned, and began the walk down the hill, leaving Ahsoka to her thoughts.
Ahsoka felt a heavy darkness surround her heart as she watched Rex disappear down the hill. A tear escaped one eye and she hurriedly brushed it away. She exhaled a shaky breath as she turned back to the rock outcropping and sat, crossing her legs in front of her. Pulling her hood over her montrals, she closed her eyes.
As she separated her awareness from her thoughts, observing them like a disinterested third party, Rex's words echoed in her mind.
"It's the fear underneath the anger."
He'd helped her learn that lesson — that anger covers up fear. Without knowing it, she'd covered her fear of grieving the loss of her race and her world, with her hatred of clones.
"Fear is a liar."
Fear was like the dark side of the Force. It lied to Jedi, preying on their insecurities to turn them from a path of light. She'd been feeling that fear more and more. She felt it even now. A predatory patience that terrified her.
"Fear isolates us from others and makes us feel unworthy."
Deep in her core did she really feel unworthy? Did she believe she could have nothing she wanted? Did she even know what it was that she truly wanted?
Focusing on those questions, Ahsoka quieted her mind and began to breathe. It wasn't long before the world slipped away and she slid into a deep trance. But despite her appeal to the Force, the answers to her questions didn't come.
Dusk was turning into night as Rex stepped through the sliding door into the storage building. He flicked on the light switch and palmed the control to shut the door behind him.
The stacks of crates and supplies scattered across the floor and the rows of tools and equipment on the work benches were familiar and comforting. Even though he'd been gone for almost two weeks, for him, it had only been two days.
Walking toward his small room he saw his blacks and armor neatly folded and stacked on the Sabacc table. Upon inspecting his blacks he found that they'd been cleaned and both blaster holes had been mended. The memory of how those holes burned through his blacks made him shudder for a moment.
Rex slumped into a chair by the small table where he and Ahsoka had played more games of Sabacc than he could count — the table where he'd spent hours getting to know his captor. Hours sharing experiences and secrets and pain. Hours overcoming fears and prejudices. Hours that pulled him slowly into her orbit, like a planet in love with the life-giving energy of its sun.
Love. Is that what this feeling is?
His attraction to Ahsoka was powerful, his desire for her, visceral. But there was more to it. An aching need he felt deep in his very being. A sense of peace and fullness in her presence — turmoil and emptiness in her absence. A knowing that meeting her had been the most important event in his life.
Even now his chest ached that she was not here. That they weren't exploring the feelings which had bloomed between them last night and this morning. Feelings that had simmered under the surface for months until they'd boiled over when Ahsoka had pulled him back from the brink of death.
Love.
Rex knew what love was. He loved his brothers fiercely. He fought for them, protected them, mourned for them.
What he felt for Ahsoka was just as strong, but then again, infinitely more profound. Her presence had redefined him, infused him with purpose, filled him with hope. She was beyond precious, and he would do anything to assure her light continued to shine in the galaxy.
Rex struggled to define that feeling — that new reality. To compartmentalize it so it was easier to comprehend. But he couldn't. It defied logic and reason, impossible to put the entirety of it into words.
Maybe he did love her.
But it seemed that Ahsoka didn't feel the same. Yes, she was attracted to him. But she'd just made it clear that she couldn't pursue that attraction - that she'd make a mistake in allowing those feelings to surface. Her commitment to the clan was her first priority.
Although her words had burned, Rex couldn't fault Ahsoka. He understood the concepts of duty and of taking responsibility for the lives of others. After all, those were some of the traits he admired most in her.
When all was said and done, Ahsoka hadn't asked him to leave. But she hadn't asked him to stay, either. She'd acknowledged that the general feeling in the community was that Rex should stay. But if staying would only bring emotional tension and strife to Ahsoka, he couldn't do that to her.
And if he was honest, he knew he couldn't stay if Ahsoka didn't reciprocate his feelings. He wouldn't be able to bear the pain everyday of being so close to what he wanted most, but never able to have it.
The best option — for everyone — would be for him to leave Axalon. To venture into the Outer Rim and embark on a new life. To be thankful for his time with Ahsoka, and T'annon and the others, but to let them go and move on in search of a new life — in search of his destiny.
Rex reached out and plucked the ragged old Sabacc deck from the table. He slowly shuffled the cards between his hands. He was going to miss playing Sabacc with his friend.