DESTINY - CHAPTER 19
The next morning found Rex stifling a yawn as he walked into the community center and dining hall. He made his way to the food tables, passing clan members who waved or spoke enthusiastic greetings to him. He smiled and waved back, the feelings of belonging and appreciation warm and comforting.
He made a direct line to the caf, pouring a large cup and taking a long drink. Sleep the night before had been difficult, if not impossible, as his uncooperative mind refused to stop ruminating over his conversation with Ahsoka. A conversation which had convinced him that, although she desired him, she wasn't in a place where an intimate relationship was a possibility.
Grabbing a tray, he balanced the cup on one side while placing a plate on the other. He slid some fruit, bread and slices of meat onto the plate and was turning to find a table when a small hand clasped his elbow. His lips turn up into a grin when he glanced down to find T'annon at his side.
"Good morning, T'annon."
T'annon's face glowed with a smile. "Good morning, Rex. I have missed you."
"It's only been a day and a half," he chuckled.
"I know," she said with a small pout. But just as quickly her smile returned. "Come and sit with us," she said, pointing toward a table in the corner.
Rex looked in the direction she indicated and saw a table with D'ianthy, Reesa, Kip, Bandrix and … Ahsoka. She hadn't noticed him yet, and he took the opportunity to watch as her as she chatted with the others, nodding and occasionally taking a bite of food. She looked tired, as if she'd had as much trouble finding sleep as Rex. Despite her obvious exhaustion, she was smiling. Rex would have given anything if her smile had been for him.
He was about to decline T'annon's invitation when she gently tugged at his arm. "Please," she said.
Rex caught her eyes, wide and bright and imploring. He couldn't refuse her. And the fact was, he had missed her, too.
"Lead the way," he said.
As they approached the table Ahsoka glanced in their direction. When she saw Rex being pulled along by T'annon her eyes widened and her posture stiffened. Tension tightened his own shoulders and Rex began to think that this was a bad idea.
"Look everyone," T'annon said, her voice bright. "Rex is here."
Dian'thy looked up and smiled. "Good morning, Rex."
Rex nodded to the Twi'lek.
Reesa smiled and nodded.
"Hey, Rex," Kip said as he reached out a fist. Rex balanced the tray in one hand and bumped Kip's fist with the other.
Bandrix crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back in his chair with a scowl on his face.
Rex finally allowed his eyes to meet Ahsoka's. She gave him a nod. "Good morning," she said, her tone neutral, neither inviting nor dismissive. She was skilled at keeping whatever she was feeling well veiled. He'd learned that from playing Sabacc with her.
"Morning," Rex replied.
T'annon grabbed an empty chair from a nearby table, pulling it next to her as she sat. "Come and sit," she said.
Awkward didn't do justice to what he was feeling at that moment, but he smiled and sat between T'annon and Dian'thy, directly across from Ahsoka. No matter how uncomfortable he felt, he wouldn't disappoint T'annon.
Rex looked down at his plate and strategized that if he began to eat, he wouldn't have to talk. He grabbed a hunk of bread and took a bite.
"It is good to see you up and around," Dian'thy said. "How did you sleep?"
At Dian'thy's question, Rex started to choke on his mouthful of food. Dian'thy reached over and pounded his back. Rex coughed and then took a gulp of caf to wash down his food. He wiped at his mouth and said, "Sorry. Still trying to get used to solid food."
He looked up and caught Ahsoka's knowing look. She knew how he'd slept, or rather, how he hadn't slept. And she knew why.
Just then Manami walked up to the group, her shoulders proudly pulled back and a satisfied smile on her face. "We just got word," she said. "Our contact on Cornu Copiae confirmed that our supplies will be ready in a week."
"That's excellent," Ahsoka said. "Good work, Manami. I know the annual supply run is a logistical nightmare."
Manami smiled at Ahsoka. "It was easier this year. This contractor is pulling everything together. The supplies be at the space port docking bays. All we have to do is pay her. She'll even have workers to help us load."
"Will we need to take both ships?" Bandrix asked.
"Yes," Manami said. "She'll split the supplies proportionally based on the cargo hold specs of each ship."
"Hey, Commander," Kip interjected, "maybe Rex could come along. We could use the help, it wouldn't too strenuous to his injuries and he'd probably like the chance to get off Axalon for a while."
Ahsoka didn't respond to Kip's suggestion, but instead asked Manami, "How large is the space port on Cornu Copiae?"
"Small to medium," Manami said. "The planet is in unaligned space with freight and passenger routes to the CIS, Republic and neutral space. A lot of flights to the deep Outer Rim use Cornu Copiae as a waypoint."
Ahsoka turned to Kip. "Including Rex is a good idea, Kip." She glanced at Rex. "What do you think, Rex? Would you be willing to come to Cornu Copiae?"
Rex felt his stomach drop like a stone. He knew what she was really asking. This was her chance to keep her promise to him — to take him to a space port where he could decide where he was going next. To give him the opportunity to choose his new life — to embark on his destiny.
His throat tightened at the thought of leaving. Of never seeing Axalon or his new friends or T'annon ever again. Of never seeing Ahsoka again.
He couldn't find words, so he just looked down at his plate and nodded.
It had been almost a week since the breakfast discussion about including Rex on the clan's annual supply run. He'd kept busy helping Waunado during the days. T'annon had spent several evenings visiting with him in the storage building. He'd relished her presence but hadn't had the heart to explain that he wouldn't be returning from the trip to Cornu Copiae.
The other person he longed to see, never appeared. Rex had hoped Ahsoka would come by after an evening meal to visit and play Sabacc. If they didn't pursue the topic of their relationship, or lack of one, he would have been fine with that. He'd have been happy just to be in her presence. He'd seen her several times in the dining hall during meals, but she'd not sought him out and he'd not imposed upon her. If she was uncomfortable talking to him, he wasn't going to make her life any more difficult.
Still, the decision to not approach Ahsoka had been more difficult than he'd imagined. Her absence felt infinitely more painful than the blaster holes the Falleen had put through his calf and shoulder. He'd grown to crave her company over the months he'd known her. His desire for her had flared, but he'd never had a chance to pursue it. And the brief but powerful connection with her emotions through the Force had been a wonderous promise of possibility — of a union that might exceed anything he could dream of.
But none of that mattered any longer.
Rex knew that when they reached Cornu Copiae he wouldn't be returning with his friends to Axalon. And he knew he couldn't go back to the Republic. Ahsoka had opened his eyes to the war and his role as a commanding officer of a legion of clone soldiers - his brothers - who were, for all intents and purposes, slaves. He'd come to realize that his place in the universe was no longer with the GAR.
For the first time in his life, his decisions and actions weren't being made for him, either by a commanding officer or by the programming he'd received since his decanting. Or by Ahsoka. For the first time in his life, he was free. Free to choose what was important to him and what he wanted to do about it.
Rex wasn't sure where his place was but it was obvious it was not on Axalon. Wherever his destiny led, it seemed that its intersection with the life of Ahsoka Tano was about to end.
Ahsoka had never known pain like she'd experienced the past week. Not physical pain. Physical pain would have been infinitely easier to bear than the agony she felt suffocating her heart.
She'd caught glimpses of Rex throughout the week. In the dining hall, following Waunado from task to task within the community. She'd wanted to go to him. To tell him she was sorry she'd hurt him. To tell him she wanted him to stay. To tell him she was afraid of her future without him in it.
Over the past six months Rex's presence had helped her begin to heal the fear, anger and grief which had haunted her all her adult life. As a result, the looming specter of the dark side had faded into the background, still present but no longer a constant terror. She'd been relatively content, even happy at times. With that peace had come the return of her control over the use of the Force. Ahsoka knew she was still a long way from being whole, a process that would probably take the rest of her life to accomplish. Of that, she had no illusions. But if Rex was no longer a part of her life, she feared all that she'd accomplished so far might come undone.
As Ahsoka considered what her life would be like without Rex in it, visions of the dark side, waiting patiently to claim her soul, filled her thoughts. Inevitably, she would need to leave her clan before that happened to keep them safe from her. The irony was that leaving this life and her friends would very likely be the tipping point the dark side would need to devour her.
But that was for her to work out. She wasn't Rex's problem to take care of. She couldn't be the reason he chose to stay. She'd robbed him of his freedom once. If he decided to stay out of obligation to her, either to fulfill their mutual desire for each other, or to protect her from herself, he would still be no better than her prisoner. That was unacceptable. Even though she was no longer a Jedi, her desire was to live in the light of the Force. To do that, Ahsoka would not hesitate to sacrifice her future to save his.
Anxiety clenched her stomach and Ahsoka pushed aside the plate with her untouched meal. All throughout dinner she'd been distracted by the task looming over her. A task she couldn't put off any longer.
Tomorrow was the supply run to Cornu Copiae. She needed to hear from Rex this evening whether he had decided to stay with the clan or head off into the unknown. She dreaded his answer, but at the same time, she had to know.
She excused herself from her friends and made for the door. She pulled her cloak from the wall, threw it around her shoulders and walked out into the dusk. She'd not gone far when a familiar voice called to her.
"Commander."
Ahsoka stopped and turned. "Waunado."
The Ugnaught stopped just in front of her and craned his neck back to look up at her. Ahsoka had known Waunado for a long time and she could recognize a deep sadness in his eyes.
"I know where you are going. Were I able, I would take your burden."
Ahsoka nodded. "I need to speak with him."
"That is not my meaning," he said. "I speak of your sorrow and your pain. But they are not mine to bear."
She shifted her gaze to her feet, fighting the sudden stinging in her eyes. Waunado had always been able to decipher her mood, almost better than Dian'thy.
"He will stay if you ask him," he said.
Ahsoka brought her eyes to his. "I can't do that."
"What prevents you?"
Ahsoka pushed out a sigh. "This is the first time in Rex's life that he's truly been free. Free from the dictates placed on him by everything and everyone — including me as his jailer." She dropped her head in shame. "I won't allow my petty desires to steal away his freedom."
Waunado reached out and grasped Ahsoka's hand, a rare physical gesture for the Ugnaught. "When you forgave my life debt and set me free, I could have left. But I choose to join in your efforts and serve you as best I could. Do you think I was wrong?"
Ahsoka looked at his small hand wrapped around her fingers. "Of course not. You are one of my dearest friends. But that was your choice. I didn't try to persuade you."
"But you withheld nothing from me. You told me what my life would be like if I decided to follow you. With that truth, I was able to make an informed choice and accept the consequences, no matter what they were.
"And I am grateful that you did," Ahsoka said.
"But you deny Rex the same opportunity you granted me. You withhold information essential for him to decide," Waunado said. He released Ahsoka's hand, took a step back and planted his feet firmly on the ground. "What you want is important. To you and to Rex. He deserves to know." Waunado let out a humpf and crossed his arms over his chest. "I have spoken."
Ahsoka looked at her friend, amazed at his passionate appeal and that he'd said more to her in the last few moments than he usually did in a month.
"You care for him a great deal," Ahsoka observed.
"Almost as much as I care for you," Waunado replied.
Ahsoka smiled. "Thank you, Waunado. I will consider your counsel."
The Ugnaught nodded, spun on his heel and headed back toward the dining hall.
Ahsoka watched her friend's small frame walk away.
Small in size, but large in heart, she thought.
Maybe Waunado was right. Was it unfair to refuse to share with Rex what was truly in her heart. Should she tell him, or remain steadfast to her principle of protecting his freedom of choice?
Turning, Ahsoka continued her walk toward the storage building, her stomach churning at the thought that in just a few moments, she'd have to choose how to answer her questions.