Author's note:

Takes place during Books #52 The Sacrifice and #53 The Answer. Includes flashbacks to Books #13 The Change and #33 The Illusion and references to Book #32 The Separation

Canon compliant, with some added liberties taken on character's last names.

Companion piece/sequel to my fic The Understanding, not necessary to have read if you've read the books though. Further exploration of my favorite characters during the hectic climax of the series.

Animorphs: The Precipice

No. No. NO. {RACHEL!!} I knew she was out of range but I felt so helpless. I wasn't high enough, didn't have the speed, didn't have the altitude. I wouldn't get to the truck in time.

We had stolen trucks from the warehouse, all of us. We weren't just six anymore. We weren't just the Animorphs. We were the Resistance. We were fighting for Earth. We needed the military trucks to steal the explosives to plant on the train and destroy the Yeerk Pool. Things were escalating so quickly now, everything was moving so fast. We were in a nosedive now, traveling far too rapidly to move, to act, to react, even. Everything felt out of control.

The truck in the lead, the Truck with the most important people in the world to me was barreling forward at terrifying speed. Ax-Man, Aximili Esgarouth Isthil, my shorm, my best friend was in that truck. Rachel Berenson, my…my girlfriend? Yes, but the word felt wrong, like it wasn't enough. Rachel Berenson, my everything, was in that truck. It's weird to say her full name, now. For so long, her full name was like a treasured, guarded secret. Something she gave me, trusted me with. Anonymity had been so important, so crucial for so long. But now it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, if that truck rammed the barricade, plowed through those innocent human soldiers, nothing would ever matter again. What was happening down there?? But I knew. In the pit of my stomach I knew. Rachel…

I was still in a nosedive, a literal one, racing towards the ground, trying desperately in vain to catch up. I banked left, tried to get a better view. I trained my incredible hawk vision at the window of the truck but it was no use. I wasn't an eagle or an osprey. My eyes weren't made to look through reflective surfaces. All I saw was glare and a blurred mass of movement. Too much mass. Too much movement. Too fast. Too fast. They weren't going to stop, they…

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRCCHH!!!!* The truck skidded, it swung it STOPPED. Thank god, I flared my wings and caught an updraft. I circled to kill speed and slowly started a regular descent.

My name is Tobias. Just, Tobias but not for the reason you might think. See, I had a last name. But, like my old body, it never really felt like mine. When I was a human, when I was a kid I used to write "Tobias Kushner" on the top right corner of my middle school homework. Did high school students write their name on the top right corner of their homework? Did college kids? I didn't know. I never made it past the seventh grade.

See, I'm not a human anymore. Not really. I'm a red tailed hawk. I'm sixteen years old, at least my mind is. I…don't really know how old my hawk body is. But I've been alive for 16 years, and I'm not a kid anymore either. Not that all 16 year olds aren't kids, most are. But I'm not. War changed that. Morphing changed that. I've been a lot of things in these past three years, but one thing I know, is I'm definitely NOT a Kushner.

Kushner was the name of my mom's late husband. Her second husband. I guess he was around a bit when I was a kid, before he died. I don't really remember him. Turns out he wasn't really my dad anyway.

I guess there are a lot of names I could have had, if things had shaken out differently. My mom is Loren Kushner, but her maiden name was Harris. I guess I could be Tobias Harris. There's a hawk called Harris, but that's not what I am. I'm a Red Tail, not a Harris' Hawk. Tobias Harris isn't really who I am either. My Uncle who never wanted me around was a Harris. My Aunt who only thought of me as an object, an annoyance was a…what was her last name? It's been so long. She was divorced but I think she kept her ex husband's name. Sheppard? Shepfield? It doesn't matter. That's not who I am either.

In a timeline that no longer existed, that I guess never happened, between being a Harris and a Kushner, my mom was Loren Fangor. I think if I could choose any name it might be that one. But it's a little bittersweet. Prince Elfangor was my father, in a timeline that never happened. He became a nothlit, like me. A human named Alan Fangor. Then, like me he was given his morphing power back. Not like me, he was given his old body back, for real. Sure I could morph my old self, and for some reason that no one but an Ellimist can explain, my human morph seems to age with me. But it's not the same. In this timeline, the man who was my father was the Andalite Prince Elfangor Sirinial Shamtul. I guess I could be Tobias Sirinial Shamtul? Tobias Sirinial Harris? But none of that FEELS right, you know?

On the rarest of days, when I allow myself the optimism of an Andalite, when I allow myself the most dangerous hobby of all, dreaming of the future…I imagine myself taking her name. I imagine marrying the only person in the world who could love a thing like me. I can't imagine her as anything else, so I imagine myself as Tobias Berenson. We've talked about it exactly once. The future, our future. We never said "marriage" explicitly, but I told Rachel I couldn't ever see myself with anyone but her. And she said she would be with me for the rest of her life. Not that she wanted to be, or could see herself being. She was Rachel. She was strong, she was defiant. She was sure. She said she'd be with me for the rest of her life, and I knew she was telling the truth. It gave me hope.

That's why the truck had scared me so bad. What was she thinking?? What was she doing? I closed in on the scene. Things seemed to have calmed down. Naomi Sherman, Rachel's mother was standing with her nephew, our leader Jake. "Prince" Jake Berenson, leader of the Animorphs and now, the leader of the Earth Resistance. They were talking to a man in a military uniform. His jacket was covered in stars and stripes and insignias. I wasn't Jake, I couldn't tell you what they all stood for. But I knew what they meant. They meant that this guy? He was IMPORTANT. Still, he wasn't the most important person to me.

I found her on the other side of the truck. She was shaking. But was she shaking with rage or fear? I couldn't tell. I was worried for her, but Rachel has always been strong.

Even before the war, when most of the kids at school wouldn't risk their reputations on the new kid who got the free school lunches you qualified for with food stamps, who had about 3 days worth of thrift store clothes between washes, and was constantly getting beat up by the jerks and jocks, Rachel didn't care. She smiled and waved to me in the halls and didn't think twice about the looks it got her. Strength must be a constant for that family. Jake was the only kid who ever stood up for me back then. His brother Tom, has been a controller for…I don't even know. Three years? Four? And yet Jake had said that whenever Tom's Yeerk tried to pressure Jake into joining the Sharing, the Yeerks secret recruitment program, he'd seen the real Tom fight through. When the Yeerks found out who we are, and we had to come out to our families, Rachel's sisters Jordan and Sara didn't blink. Come face to face with an alien in their living room, they didn't run or hide. When Rachel morphed grizzly to make her mom SEE, Ms. Sherman didn't hesitate for a second. She lunged, Rachel-style at the bear she thought was endangering her daughter. I never really got to know Jake's parents well, but even now that they're controllers, I know. I know they're fighting their Yeerks every step of the way. Strength runs in that family. I don't know if I'm worthy of taking their name, if it ever came to it…but it's a nice thought.

Lately though…Rachel's been showing something other than just strength. She has a temper, that's never been a secret and honestly it's something I like about her. Rachel is honest. Transparent. You know where you stand with her. But these days the rage has been threatening to take her over. I know she scares the others. They think she's some bloodthirsty killer. That she needs the war, the fight to satisfy her. I know that isn't true.

She might be addicted to the rush of battle. She's admitted as much to me, in private. It isn't the violence though. We've found other ways to find those feelings for her. The danger, the exhilaration, the fear and the thrill. Flying together, diving at incredible speeds until the last possible second, leaping from tree to tree as Hork Bajir, other things…

I know Rachel. She's my soulmate. But she was worrying me. This morning I had to stop her from actually punching her best friend in the face. It would have been sucker punch. And now, as I was flying low, coming in for a landing I could see on her face what had happened. Naomi was driving the truck, but Rachel had been the one who tried to ram the barricade, the one who was ready to drive straight through a line of innocent humans. She was haunted by it. I caught her eye and she nodded at me, giving me permission.

I landed, as gently as I could on her shoulder and leaned my body against her head. The hawk brain never liked being in close contact with humans, but I always fought through for her. For Rachel. Her breath came out ragged and harsh.

"T…Tobias…"

{Hey. Hey it's ok. You're ok. Everyone's ok. You've got me, I'm here.} No…that wasn't what she needed right now. {Hang on, put me down?} I hopped out of her hands and onto the ground and started morphing into my human form as quickly as I could.

Rachel just stared off at nothing in particular as my bones crunched and cracked into place. She flinched for just a second when my hand, now fully human, reached for hers.

"It's ok, Rache. I've got you. You're ok." I pulled her into me and she continued to shake. If she was crying, she did it in silence. When the tremors lightened I said, "Come. Let's walk."

She looked at me with tortured eyes, but followed as we moved away from the others.

"Rachel…what happened?"

"I…I just….I almost…I mean, I wouldn't have…"

"Rachel." I turned to face her. "Whats going on with you? It's me. I love you. Nothing will change that, not this…not even if…if it had turned out differently. I love you. But I'm worried. What's going on?"

She was silent for a while, and then. "We have to win, Tobias." I nodded and gave her a look that asked her to continue. "It's like we said the other day. Our backs are to the wall. It's do or die and we….we have to DO. I WON'T lose, Tobias."

"But why have you been so-"

"SO WHAT, TOBIAS?! SO CRAZY?? SO RECKLESS?! ISN'T THAT WHO I AM?!"

"Hey. Hey. It's me, Rachel. I'm not them. I'm not scared of you. I'm scared FOR you. Tell me, how can I help you?"

"YOU CAN HELP ME BY DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES TO WIN! DON'T YOU…don't you care, Tobias? The other night…when we talked about…about our future. Don't you want that?"

"…of course I do, Rachel. How can you even ask me that?"

"THEN WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'M THE ONLY ONE TRYING TO END THIS WAR?!"

"That isn't really fair."

Her face scrunched in anger. "NO?! Then what should I be doing?? Giving the Yeerks our greatest weapon so my cousins don't have to die or worse KILL?! Because we're in a war fighting for our lives but killing humans is some impossible line?! Cassie can rip Hork Bajir throats out with her teeth and Ax can slice Taxxons in half but I'm a monster because I can live with killing a human?! We're fighting YEERKS, Tobias! CONTROLLERS. It doesn't matter what species they are, if a Yeerk is in their head they're already a casualty. Cassie will lecture her mom about not calling Hork Bajir animals, pause before morphing one because they're sentient, yet she's killed more Hork Bajir than we've freed. But when I talk about bombing the Yeerk Pool I'm "horrible"?!? Everyone says I LOVE this war so f*cking much but it's only gone on as long as it has because we do things halfway. We play by made up rules that no one else is playing by. If we did things my way, it would be OVER. It would be over and we could…" She looked at me, pained. And that was when I knew. When I finally understood. Rachel wasn't doing this for herself. She was doing it for me.

"I want this war over as much as you do, Rache," she scoffed lightly at that but I ignored her. "I hate this, I want nothing more than for all of this to be over, but…Rachel I want you to still be able to live with yourself when it's over."

"As long as you still love me, I'll be able to live with myself, Tobias. No matter what I have to do."

I sighed. She stiffened.

"What?" she challenged. "Have the rules changed again?! You said you'd love me no matter what! Are you changing your mind?! Don't like what you see?!?"

"No, Rachel. I don't like what I see. Not because I love you any less, I DON'T . You're my EVERYTHING. But I saw you when you got out of that truck. You were shaking. You looked like you were going to cry. You looked tortured. I don't like you feeling like that, so come on. Something's gotta give. Is this about the war? Is this about Cassie?? Or is this about your PRIDE??"

I never challenge her like this. She looked like I slapped her, of course on Rachel Berenson looking like she just got slapped looks a lot like she's ready to kill you. Her eyes flashed. Her mouth opened to scream at me…

"I…oh f*ck, Tobias…" she cried. I laced my fingers with hers and she squeezed so hard she almost broke my hand. "I told her she was useless…"

"Rachel, Cassie's your best friend, no matter what happened this mor-"

"No, not Cassie. My mom."

Oh. I forgot, she had said that. It was a couple days ago. "I called her useless and she hates me and thinks I'm a monster and SHE'S RIGHT! I would have ran those guys over for nothing! And look at her." In the distance, Ms. Sherman and the guy with all the patches on his uniform were talking like old friends. She was gesturing to Jake, and the man shook Jake's hand. "What if they're right about me, Tobias? What if I'm too far gone? What if I'm a monster?"

"You're NOT." I said firmly. "You're not, Rachel. This is war. This is real life. No one's right all the time. No one's purely good or purely evil. You're not either of your two halves. You're both. We ALL are. Cassie is compassionate and kind. She's also a hypocrite. Her go to reaction is to avoid conflict. Yours is to solve it with force. If making you into a villain is the way they sleep at night, well, then they're wrong. That's something they're going to have to live with down the line, and I don't think it'll be an easy thing for them to do. You're torturing yourself right now, over how you reacted in the truck. How you've reacted to your mom. You were wrong then. They're going to be torturing themselves one day over how they've treated you. No one's 100% right or 100% wrong. But you can make this right, right now by talking to your mom."

She stood there, staring at me for a few moments. Then she kissed me. "I love you." She said.

"I love you too."

"I'm sorry."

"Me too."

She talked to her mom. They hugged. She cried. I was glad. Not glad that she was crying but glad that she still could. She talked to Cassie later, in private. I'm not sure what was said, Rachel would tell me, if she wanted to.

Marco's made comments to me in the past, even recently. Implying that I'm naive. That I only see what I want to see in Rachel. If it had been before, I probably would have thought that he meant it. We didn't always get along, Marco and I. We used to get on each other's nerves constantly. Under each other's skin. I'm not sure why, exactly. It could have been as simple as jealousy.

Rachel and I, we took to each other instantly. Before Elfangor, when we were just kids, I assumed it was pity. Jake probably told his cousin about the kid who he saved from a swirly and she felt bad. But being Animorphs gave us a reason to talk, to be near each other. It was nice. She was kind, and strong when I needed to borrow her strength. She was the first real friend I ever had that wasn't an adult trying to step in for the guardians I was clearly lacking. It took me a while to realize it wasn't just pity. To accept that someone, anyone could see me, could know me and like me. An entire life of being abandoned and handed off from one relative who didn't want you to another will do that to a person. But Rachel was different. When I was still adjusting to my new life as a nothlit, when I was losing myself to the hawk, she surprised me. She showed me a picture of myself. A picture I didn't know she had. It wasn't like a photo she took in secret or anything creepy like that. It was a school photo. They gave us enough to trade with each other, a thing I've seen kids do. I had never done it, just once. Jake had asked me if I wanted to swap photos with him. I thought, maybe he did want to be friends after all. And maybe he had. Maybe he had mentioned to his cousin that we had swapped photos and she asked for it. Maybe she asked him to get it for her. Either way I was shocked. Even more so when she said with a blush on her face that I looked even better in real life.

When I got my morphing power back, my human form back, we talked about it again. We were alone, in her room. It was late, the night of her award ceremony. I had flown to her window after the other lights in the house went out, like I often had. Sometimes we talked, sometimes we watched TV or read together. I'd do her homework for her sometimes, I liked it. It helped me feel human, normal even. But this night was different. I morphed human and she looked at me and smiled. It was sweet. It was awkward. We blushed and averted our eyes.

"I told you," she said in a hushed whisper.

Huh? I meant to say it. Tried to. But it had been a long time since I had whispered and nothing came out.

She walked over to her nightstand, slid the drawer open and took the picture out. My picture. She looked at it for a second, smiling and then held it up for me to see. "See? I told you, you're way cuter in real life."

"Yeah well," I said in a soft chuckle. "I've never seen an even half bad picture of you…and even the best one…could never come close."

She gave me a look that…that I'd never seen before but in my dreams. Was this a dream? It didn't feel real. Did…did Rachel want me to kiss her? I wouldn't have even known how before, let alone then, after living as a hawk for so long.

"Tobias…" she said, low and breathy. Then she looked down at the picture in her hand. "I always liked you, you know. I saw you eating lunch with Jake one day and thought you were so cute. Kinda like…" she made a face.

"Like what?"

She laughed softly, almost bitterly. Then she blushed, hard. "I thought…I thought you kinda looked like Jason John McCole."

I had to stop myself from barking out a laugh.

"I mean, a JJM without a hair stylist, obviously." She smirked and ran a hand through my messy, dirty-blonde hair. But I was off in another world. Rachel thought I was cute? Had a crush on me? ME?? Before I could morph, before I was anything??

"I'd see you sometimes, drawing on the bus." I was shocked. "You're really good, Tobias."

"I…I could draw you something, now. I mean…I don't mean like NOW now, but now that I can have hands…"

She laughed. I laughed. She hugged me and I melted into her.

Marco had never been shy about his feelings towards Rachel. Was "feelings" the right word? Attraction? When he used to take shots at me, back in the early days, I assumed it was jealousy. Rachel had clearly picked me and I wasn't even a human. I used to think Marco and I would never get along, never really be friends. It's nice to be wrong sometimes. We were friends now, since he and his father faked their own deaths and Marco no longer went to school, Ax and I, the Full Time Animorphs as I liked to think of us, had another member. It was fun having Marco around. Ax is my best friend, but Marco and I had a lot more in common than I had thought. Ax loved tv but never really took to science fiction. I guess to an alien from an advanced technological society , soaps and sitcoms WERE sci fi. But Marco likes the shows I used to like. Marco was a Trekkie, like I had been. I'd gotten Rachel to watch Star Wars with me and she liked those more than she had Star Trek. She likes Farscape. But Ax had every channel and Marco loved it all.

We connected on other levels too. We realized that we both had similar ways to cope with the difficulties we'd faced in life. We could make the sacrifices, make the hard choices that needed to be made. I respected Marco now, and he me.

So I knew he didn't really think that I was fooling myself about Rachel. Rose colored glasses? Maybe. But I was there when Rachel was split into two halves, into the two extremes of her personality. I spent more time with "Mean Rachel" than any of the others did. I saw the violent, blood thirsty killer. The wild, reckless thing who would throw herself thoughtlessly into danger if it meant the chance of a fight, of a kill. But I knew that wasn't Rachel. It's what she'd be without her other half. Without her fear and kindness and compassion. Without her ability to think long term, without her sense of duty. She was as much NOT her killer self as she was. Marco knew that, so why was he bringing it up? Maybe Rachel and I needed to talk about it again. I know she doesn't like thinking about that time, but something's wrong.

It was the night before our big gambit. Our last stand. Tomorrow we'd attack the Pool ship, and if everything went right…tomorrow we would win. Tomorrow the war would be over.

Everything would be different after tomorrow. Either we'd finally beat the Yeerks…or…

I found her, unsurprisingly sitting under my tree. After the war council, she and Jake had gone off for a private talk. Rachel had talked to Jake last week, in private. They don't do that often, but Jake was in a bad place and Rachel was just the person to say what he needed to hear at the time. This was it, the precipice of our biggest risk, our most dangerous battle. No doubt the Berensons knew just what to say to each other to get themselves ready for our last stand.

She must have heard me, because she looked up as I landed on my favorite branch. "Hey you."

{Hi Rachel. Ready for tomorrow?}

She didn't say anything for a moment, just looked thoughtfully off into space.

{Everything's going to be different after tomorrow. The future we've talked about. The future you've been fighting so hard for. We're so close, Rache.}

She patted the grass next to her. "Sit with me?" Her voice was soft, scared even.

I fluttered down and started morphing into human.

"How are you doing?" I asked, once the morph was complete.

"I'm scared, Tobias." She sounded so small.

"Yeah…me too. Were…were you and Cassie able to work things out?" I guess I sounded small too. For the first time in what felt like forever, we weren't warriors. We weren't grizzled guerillas. We were just kids.

"Yeah…we're…we're ok. I think. I think she might be right about me, Tobias. The deeper we get into the war, the closer I get to being…her."

I put my arm around her and held her close. "It isn't fair, you know. That you had your entire self split into two extremes for everyone to see. You know it wouldn't have been nice for any of us, right? Could you imagine "Mean" Marco? If all he had was his cold, calculating and ruthless side? If the humor and heart and hope were taken away? Or "Mean" Cassie? All manipulation and passive aggressiveness and seeing through to your deepest, darkest insecurities and using them to pick you apart? I wish it could have been me…"

She almost jumped at that. Her eyes looked into mine, big and wet. "…what?"

I sighed. "I wish it had been me. That they could have seen MY "mean" side. Not just the Hawk, but the part of me that understands the Hawk. That wanted to be the Hawk. The killer. The outcast. The one who was abandoned by everyone and loved by no one. The one angry at the world. The predator. Then whenever you do or say something they criticize they'd think "well, at least it's not as bad as 'Mean Tobias'…"

"You know I love that part of you, right?" she said, a heavy sadness in her voice. "The Hawk is the reason you're still here, Tobias. The Hawk is the reason we weren't wiped out after…" a shaky, harsh breath. "After we got you captured and Taylor…" she let it hang there. "Tobias…it's why…why I never asked you again…"

It was the worst day of my life. I was captured, trapped and tortured by Sub Visser Fifty-One, the being who called themselves Taylor. Rachel was right though, the only reason I was able to survive the terrible pain, the maddening sensation of flipping back and forth from pleasure to punishment, was the Hawk. I retreated into the Hawk, let his instincts take over. After that awful ordeal…after my friends saved me from the brink of death, from giving up and giving our enemies the names of all my friends, we went to the beach. All six of us, the Animorphs. The day after the worst day of my life…was one of my best.

Rachel came to me, held me in her arms. She did something we hadn't done up until that point. She broke the dam that had been holding our feelings for each other at bay, and kissed me. So much of our relationship had gone unspoken until that point. I knew she loved me. She knew I loved her. But we never said it, or used any labels, until that afternoon, flying high in the sky above the surf.

{Tobias?}

{Yes, Rachel?}

{What am I? To you, I mean. What am I to you?}

{I…what do you mean? You're…you're Rachel. You're…you're my friend. You're so important to me, the most important…}

{Then I'm your girlfriend.} She said it so matter of fact, so simply. {No more halfway, ok Tobias? I..I almost lost you yesterday and I…I won't waste any more time. Life is…it's too short. I want you Tobias, all of you. The boy. The hawk. I want you to be mine, no questions, no doubt. So if you want me too, then…then I'm your girlfriend.}

{Rachel, I…yeah. Of course I want that, of course I want you. Then I'm yours too, I'm your boyfriend. And your birdfriend.}

She laughed in my head. Not like her wild, self aware, self mocking laugh. She laughed soft and sweet in my head.

Remembering that day filled me with hope. Hope for the future. Hope for…tomorrow.

"I'd do it now." I said quietly. "I mean not NOW but…after tomorrow. After it's over. We could go flying. Maybe travel the world, go flying everywhere we want. One last dance in the sky, and then…then I could be human. For us."

Rachel had a look on her face that I couldn't place. She didn't say anything for a while, she just gripped my hand tight and held on for dear life. Finally she said "No, Tobias."

"W…what?"

"Tobias… I. Yes. I wanted that. I won't lie to you… not now. Not ever. There's a part of me that still wants that but, like I told you. I SEE you now. Always. No matter the body. Yes, I'm worried that, that your hawk body might not live as long as me, but…but Tobias I want you to be YOU. I want you to be happy and yourself. For as long as you can. I know your body never felt like yours. I know being human wasn't something you ever enjoyed…"

"But Rachel, you taught me how to be human. You taught me to enjoy it. If we're together…I'll be happy no matter the body. I'll be Tobias and I'll be happy, because I'll be with you. You're everything to me, Rachel."

Her breath staggered then. "Tobias…I don't…we don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I'm…I'm scared. But…no matter what happens, just…just BE Tobias, ok? Be the sweet, gentle boy I love. Be the fierce, beautiful hawk who taught me how to fly. Be Tobias and I'll… I'll be Rachel."

I was crying now. So was she. I didn't feel like the hawk at all in that moment. I was a boy, in love with a girl. I was an Andalite, hopeful and optimistic. "We're gonna do it, Rachel. We're gonna win."

"I know we are."

"And then, it'll be just like we talked about. You and me. Together for as long as you'll have me."

She wiped the tears out of her eyes as she pushed me down to the grass. "I already told you, bird-boy. I'm gonna be with you for the rest of my life." Her lips crashed into mine.