Thoughts and processing

She took her place at their swing set, looking over to the empty swing beside her. She felt the absence burn through her - the same way she had felt it when she looked at his chair beside her desk. The same way she had felt it when he wasn't there backing her up today. The same way she felt it on the shame-filled drive home after resigning from the job she had built her life around. He wasn't there - and that hurt more than the fact that Maddox got away.

The rain pouring down on her was fitting... the storm outside reflecting her storm within. Poetic, she thought. Like a scene from one of his novels. Yes, this would be exactly how he would write it.

It wasn't often that she wished she could go back in time - rewrite the past. But right now, she would give anything to do just that.

Listen to you? Why should I listen to you? How am I even supposed to trust anything that you say?

Her words echoed through her mind as she replayed the scene in her head. She rewatched his heartbreak over and over.

I love you, Kate, and if… that means anything to you, if you care about me at all, just don't do this.

This, meaning throw her life away. And she almost had. She almost died, just hours ago. Yet all she could think about was that sad - no, broken - look on his face.

I'm not gonna stick around and watch you. So this is, uh…over. I'm done.

She had said so much to him, yet so little of what truly mattered.

Are you a part of this?

She was hurt - so hurt - but she wasn't ready to say goodbye to him. She should have told him that. She shouldn't have let him walk away. But that wasn't really up to her, was it?

He couldn't watch her throw herself into this. He hadn't seen her the first time... he didn't see how badly she had lost herself in all of this. But even that was nothing compared to now. He thought he would be enough to keep her steady. And to be honest, she had thought that too. She wasn't prepared for the rabbit hole she had found herself falling into - there was no way he could have been prepared to have to sit by and watch.

But she was ready to walk away now. For herself... for him.

If it wasn't too late, that is.

She pulled her phone out of her pocket, staring... contemplating...

She opened her contacts list, tapping on his name before she had the chance to talk herself out of it, and pressed the phone to her ear.

The call ended before it was even connected. And a big part of her wanted to just accept his decision. To leave him be, allow him to move on... because he had taken that first step in that direction. The wrong direction, she thought.

She peeled herself from the swing - her drenched clothes sticking to the wet plastic seat - and made her way to her car. She relaxed into her seat, wiping the water from her face now that she was free from the downpour outside. She looked at her reflection in the rearview mirror - not ideal, but acceptable - before starting the engine and driving in the opposite direction to her apartment. She did consider going home, cleaning herself up and changing into a dry set of clothes... but the pull to him was too strong. She couldn't wait a second longer than she had to.

The exact parameters of her relationship with Castle had bothered her for years - purely because she didn't know what they were. Partners, of course. She trusted that man with her life - he had proven to her that he would have her back, always. Friends? Sure. They enjoyed each other's company... and that trust from their partnership had carried over into their personal lives too. They respected each other and they had an intense connection that no one could deny, despite coming from two totally different worlds. But that is where things got complicated... that line between friendship and something more. They tiptoed that line almost daily - the flirting, the teasing - they lived on the edge of that boundary, constantly threatening to spill over into unknown territory. And that idea had terrified her for so long - would it be worth potentially losing the best relationship she had?

He had taken the dive over that edge, when he told her he loved her. And for almost a year now, he had clung to this metaphorical cliff edge, hoping she would take that dive too. She hadn't been this sure about anything in quite some time... she was ready. And she was going to make sure he knew that. If he still wanted to walk away, then she would do so... but she had one last fight left in her and if there was anything worth fighting for, it was Richard Castle.

She replayed the scenario over and over in her head as she drove - a play by play of how she wanted this to go - but now that she was outside of his building, the thoughts she had been trying to ignore crept back in. What if he just slams the door in your face? What if he doesn't let you talk? What if you lose your courage?

She hushed the chaos of her mind and pushed herself out of her car. The doorman let her through with a wave - her presence had been more and more frequent over the years... her showing up at this time of night wasn't at all surprising. Just being in his building had adrenaline coursing through her veins. She opted for the stairs, knowing that having to stand still in the elevator would have her practically twitching at the knees. She almost regretted it as the dull ache from Maddox's beating grew stronger with each flight of stairs. But when she finally reached his door she pushed it all aside. Chest still heaving, she knocked on the door in front of her. Each second that passed tightened the coil in her stomach.

His face - the picture of perfection - took a moment to grow angry. He had to remind himself that he wasn't happy to see her. Possibly just surprised she was actually standing in front of him, not dead in a ditch somewhere. But the relief she saw in his eyes before he put on that angry mask was all she needed.

"Beckett, what do you want?"

The words came out of her mouth. Short. Sweet. To the point. She just wanted him. She pushed past the door, grabbing his face gently and pushing her lips to his. This is what she wants. Love is what she wants. He is what she wants.

She knew they had a lot to talk about. She had to assure him that this wasn't going to be more of the same... more back and forth and betweenness. But the only thing she could manage was an apology - a teary, wholehearted apology. He pulled away from her and she felt so vulnerable. She could see the curiosity in his face - and anything he wanted to know... any question he asked, she would answer. She owed him that.

There was still so much unspoken between them - so much that had to be addressed.

The anger...

The sorrow...

The hurt...

But they both knew that wasn't going anywhere... not anytime soon. They had plenty of time to work through that. This wasn't going to be easy - they knew that. They had to scratch and claw their way through each day, each set back, each life and death situation just to get to this point. But they could heal from this - together - for now, they had each other.

And in this moment, that was all that mattered.