Chapter 08 – An Eventful Night
It took November a while to orientate herself, to grasp where she was. But when she noticed the big felt ball beside her, the memories were back. She was frightened for a brief moment, when she realized that House would not be here today. It made her sad, but she no longer sank into it, which was a good thing. The sleeping tablet had made her feel far away, her thoughts very slow, and not fully comprehensible. It was good to have this distance.
November got up, still a little dazed, disappeared in the bathroom and changed her clothes. This time, she wore a white T-shirt with the sketch of a skull in the middle again. The one or other crack ran through the skull and its gaze was a mixture of confusion and being lost. Each time November looked this drawing into the eyes, she felt as if sadness looked back at her. Either way, it expressed her mood splendidly and she had the hope that with this motive on her chest, all humans would automatically keep away from her. This should hopefully be off-putting enough in a hospital. Where death was lurking at every corner, hopefully nobody was keen on looking him in the eye as well all the time when talking with a living woman. November took another pair of sweatpants out of her travel bag and put them on, together with a wide cozy sweat jacket in a very dark red. Also with a hood - good for hiding. If people saw her with this t-shirt, the hood, and with lowered head, they would probably finally be convinced that she was walking among the dead and leave her alone. As she put on the jacket, she suddenly remembered Ben again: He wanted to bring the dope today. At that thought, she was instantly wide awake. At least one ray of light on this day, she thought, breathing a sigh of relief. But Ben did not yet know of the news that House had brought her yesterday. She sat on the bed and called Ben, who was on the other end of the line only seconds later, "Hey Crash, what's up?"
"You wanted to bring the dope today, didn´t you, got an idea about when already?" November asked and had to pull herself together to keep her voice from breaking, as she spoke on. She succeeded only partly, though. In a low, sad voice, she continued. "House is not here," she began with a mixture of helplessness and agony. "I have to make do with some strange doctor, I don´t know what to do here all day long," she told him further.
Ben could sense that November was not doing well at this moment and hoped that his words would promise her enough distraction, "Look, I'll get the dope in a bit, then need to go straight to my next shift in rescue service, and at four, I´m free, then I'll bring you everything you need. And you can redeem the invitation to a shared smoke then as well, then you can also tell me exactly what happened. Right, I've something to tell you, too," he said, making November curious. "So, see you this afternoon," he finished his sentence.
"Thank you Ben," November said briefly, but audibly relieved and with a relaxed smile. At this moment, she was incredibly happy that Ben existed and she would not have to spend this unspeakable time alone. "Well, see you this afternoon, then. I'll wait for you in the lobby," she bid farewell to him and put her phone in her pocket.
That night, he slept as well as he had not in a long while. When House woke up the next morning, he felt rested and relaxed. In front of him lay a day off, without patients, without team meetings and without colleagues.
After he had gotten up, washed and dressed, he had gone straight to his piano and had begun to play. He needed this freedom, and would simply idle this day away with a lot of music and maybe a little television. Tomorrow, surely, enough tasks and problems would rush in on him, so it was best to just drift for the next 24 hours and to not think about anything.
Smoothly, his hands glided over the keys of his small grand piano. He played something, totally free and purely intuitive. That was exactly what he needed after the last hard days. House closed his eyes, took a deep breath and dived into his melodic chords. In front of his inner eye, November appeared. How had she slept the last night? Hopefully better than the one before, he thought, still allowing himself to be carried by the music. Again, he remembered her sweaty sweatshirt, her wet face, and the tired eyes... The disappointment he had seen in November's eyes that afternoon, when he had told her that he would not be there the next day, it still haunted his memory. To him, it felt almost as if it had not been the missing drug frenzy and the high from the fix, which November was missing the most, but his presence, which she seemed to miss. Yesterday, when he'd been in her room with her, House again had felt this strange force between himself and November. He was sure to have felt a bond that lay on a very sensitive and hidden plane. He had been able to feel her pain in her thigh, had known exactly how she had felt in that moment and had simply stayed with her. But House himself felt understood by November in a strange way, as well, for she was the first to not give a compassionate look to his cane and limping walk but just radiated understanding with a soft smile.
House struck a full, round chord with all ten fingers, put his foot on the right pedal, let the sound linger in the room, and listened carefully as it faded. His eyes wandered to his backpack at that, which was leaning against the opposite wall, next to his desk. Suddenly, pictures shot through his head, from the argument they had had in his office two days ago. Her album! He still had it in his pocket!
House got up, walked to the desk and took the backpack in his hand. Curiously, he rummaged through the pockets and found something. He pulled the album from the backpack and looked at the cover. It had a white background and showed the head of a duck, along with a piece of its neck. House stared at the picture as if he was thunderstruck. The outline of the duck exactly matched November's pendant! In his memory, November had even referred to the jewelry as her "companion". Could a CD really mean so much to a person that they wanted to carry it around with them all the time? If it really was that way, then November had to have a very deep understanding of music!
House took the CD from the case, went over to the stereo and inserted it. Expectantly, he pushed the play button, curious about what kind of music hid behind such a vague cover image.
November reached into the drawer of the nightstand, took the last half of the sleeping pill, and put it in the other pocket of her pants. Lost in thought, her gaze fell on the ball, lying beside her between pillow and blanket, for a few seconds. She reached for it and turned it back and forth in both hands. "Well then, I want to get this over with. It´s time again for Medi-Crunch." At this last word, however, she stopped suddenly. Swallowed hard and closed her eyes. In front of her stood all of a sudden House, like when he had offered her "Medi-Crunch" the other day, with that lively gaze and that euphoria in his voice, holding the three blisters of the drugs in his hand. She had to struggle to fight off everything that was just now paving its way to the surface in form of pain. How much she hated and at the same time loved such moments. On the one hand, up to now, they had always been memories - the only thing that remained - but they always held the pain that November would never be able to experience all this again. Time and again, it was always too painful to be able to turn it off. She closed both hands firmly around the felt ball, breathed deeply and tried to get rid of this painful, but also actually beautiful memory. Tried to convince herself that this memory had something beautiful, for the first time, he is at least spiritually with her and back again tomorrow, so there is nothing at all that should hurt at the moment. But her soul did not want to hear that at this moment. A song line went through her at this moment, which kept alive all that what she felt and knew as so negative - The pain of the beautiful things makes me tremble until I sound.
Once November had recollected herself, she put on her hoodie, grabbed a cotton blanket and walked to the conference room by foot. She didn´t want to go anywhere else at the moment either way, so she could well do without her wheelie. Nobody would find the syringes and the tourniquet where she had put them, anyway. Determinedly, she walked along the corridor. But if she was honest with herself, this determination was rather weak and really an I-don´t-care-and-I-want-to-see-nobody feeling, which hid itself behind it well. She simply bolted into the team´s conference room. For a few seconds, she stood in the middle of the room, looking around. Only one female doctor and a blond guy in their white coats, sitting there with some files and probably racking their brains about some symptoms and data. The two looked up to her from their table confusedly. A young woman in sweatpants, with a hoodie over her head, a skull on her t-shirt and a blanket under her arm. Something like this was rather uncommon in these rooms, after all. "Where is my M" Medi-Crunch, November was just about to say in an upset tone, as she paused for a brief moment and corrected herself, somewhat less energetically, "… is my medication?" Those two would not get her anyway, if she used this word creation. So, everything as usual, she thought. The brunet doctor jumped up and walked over to her right away. House had provided her with an approximate description of November and cautioned her to not be surprised, but even Cameron had not expected this here really.
"So you are Miss Mevon?" she asked in November's direction disbelievingly. "Yes," November growled brusquely and mopishly raised her left arm, so the patient wristband with her name and other important data showed. "November-J; Mevon-Rhain", it read. This convinced Cameron, who disappeared in a corner for a short moment to return with a glass of water and a plastic cup containing three tablets. November tossed her blanket on one of the chairs, dug in her pants pocket and added the rest of her sleeping pill to the mix. She knocked back the tablets and drank the water. "Welcome home," she thought at that and then addressed Cameron. "They were tastier yesterday." To this, Cameron replied relaxed and with a smile, "There´s always tomorrow." November rolled her eyes. Those unswerving optimists always, she thought and countered with a snarky "Yes, unfortunately" and then left the room without another word.
She had left the felt ball in her room. As fast as she could, she got it from her room together with her MP3 player and went back to the conference room with it, wordlessly took her blanket and left the team room once more. This time, though, in the direction of House´s office. She simply walked through the door and got comfortable on the seat again. The ball to her left side and the blanket on her feet, November fumbled it in place somewhat. It was hard for her, as she lacked the balance to hold herself, so she kept falling back into the seat.
Chase and Cameron first stared at each other and then once more after November. Questioningly, Cameron looked at her colleague. "But she can´t just…?" she said, stunned. Chase only replied, „You heard House, he was right, as always. She really doesn´t seem to be able to bear her room. Just leave her alone, it looks as if she just wants to sleep, she won´t be damaging anything, you know." After this, he gave a nod towards the neighboring office. Cameron followed his gaze and saw November struggling with the blanket. She couldn´t watch this any longer and decided to help her and to learn a bit more about her. She walked through the door and up to November.
November had sat down on the edge of the seat in the meantime to somehow get a handle on the blanket, when Cameron stood before her. "You should sleep in your room," she started to talk to November with a gentle voice.
"Simply regard this as my room, while House is away. I can´t sleep anywhere else." November actually had absolutely no desire to converse now, but considering the reply she had just given, chances to avoid a conversation probably were low. Damn, she thought to herself, Crash – just think what you´re going to say first, now she´s gotten curious, guaranteed. Meanwhile, November had put the blanket aside.
Cameron squatted to be eye to eye with November, she wanted to know more about this young woman and thought of House's words at that, when he had said she certainly would make her way to his room, though she had not been able to find out, what he thought of it, when he had talked to her about being responsible for Miss Mevon today. "As long as you really just want to sleep here, that´s all right from my side. I have read your file. Your time in the hospital surely was not easy, I guess?" Cameron tried with sympathy to get started.
"Pain, the one or other malicious nurse and lying in bed for weeks not able to move is a cakewalk in the park. And today it forces me to make the office of my doctor my bedroom." November replied ironically and as friendly as possible to Cameron´s question. What did she think what it should be, anyway, November asked herself silently.
Cameron smiled to herself and kept asking interestedly, "Why can´t you sleep there?"
November did not want to answer this question really, she felt uncomfortable with the doctor asking that. November felt that this question actually already went too far. She replied, however, in an annoyed tone, "Because any and all memories are crushing me there and those four walls confine me." November avoided looking at Cameron.
"You´re not in the mood for talking to me, right?" the doctor kept inquiring kindly.
November would have only been too pleased to simply speak the truth now, but that also was something which only came to her easily through the connection with House. Else, there always was something in her that urged her to remain cautious.
Perhaps because she had made the experience over all those years that it was not good to alienate people when you might as well stand in front of some obstacle that was not so easy to overcome with the wheelie or even by foot, or you needed help else. It was simply the eventual dependence on people she was in contact with, again and again almost – forcing – her to restraint and friendliness. Often against her will. Like just now. And so, the irritated, snotty 'Yes and now take a walk already' turned into a friendly "I´ll fall asleep in a bit anyway, you won´t be able to talk to me much longer." inside her head.
November reminded Cameron very much of herself right now. It was just the same which she herself found with House as well and she understood perfectly why November needed this room here. November sensed more and more how the soporific began to take effect and her thoughts and eyes became heavier and heavier. She grabbed the ball and simply laid in the seat, facing Cameron. November felt relieved that she would finally not need to drag herself through the day with torturous thoughts or memories any longer. Her eyes closed. Cameron spread the blanket over November, closed the slats in direction of the conference room and went back to Chase. "All right, she´s sleeping. It seems she really can´t elsewhere," she reported to her colleague. Who just shrugged briefly and simply accepted it.
House sat on the couch, listening to the CD already a third or fourth time. He did not know exactly, he simply had pressed repeat and listened to the album from the start again and again. He liked the music, even if he had not heard of the band before. If November liked this kind of music, then their taste for music definitely was another thing they shared. Slightly smiling to himself, House took the album another time in his hand and looked at it. Apart from the booklet, the CD case held a few photos as well. He had studied the images well. They showed November, apparently with the band and a guitar, respectively in a conversation with a band member. She looked happy and House contentedly saw his long-held assumption confirmed. November played the guitar, just like him! Also, the band members had signed the booklet, which was a big foldout, for her. Either way, there were handwritten notes on it. On the inside of the case, a piece of white duct tape was stuck.
'Air Ambulance' was written on it with a red felt tip pen. While House did not know November's handwriting, he guessed that these words had been written by her.
November, House repeated her name in his head pensively, let himself fall backwards and stretched himself out on his sofa. How was she doing at this moment? He did not doubt that Cameron would take good care of her, she did her job dutifully as nobody else, even though at times she could be very intrusive with her emotional manner.
That November would take her medication from Cameron as well, he did not doubt. But how did it look inside her now? When House had told November that he would take a day off, she had seemed very affected and disappointed, after all. She had given him a look that had made him feel that she was missing him already then, as he still had stood next to her at her bed. House remembered one of November´s last sentences, she would simply sleep the day away, she had said. It hadn´t been for nothing that he had casually mentioned to Cameron that November might make her way to his office, when he wasn´t there. House was almost sure that she was sitting there now, snuggled up in his seat, catching up on a few hours of sleep.
All these thoughts went through his head, lying here on his sofa, listening to November´s album, turning it around in his hand over and over again. If he was honest, he missed her presence a little bit as well. Since November had arrived in the PPTH about one week ago, his condition had changed pleasantly. He felt more balanced and relaxed, even if he had gotten caught up in the one or other discussion in the first days with November.
When she was close to him, he felt better somehow.
The soft music running in the background let him think his open thought freely and clearly. There was no whispering voice in his head anymore, cautioning him to be careful, advising him to keep November at arm´s length. He liked her and it seemed to give something to him which he only felt with her.
His left arm crossed behind his head with the hand in his neck, House napped on his couch. His right hand still resting on the album which he had placed on his stomach in the meantime. He closed his eyes and listened to the music at ease. It was almost as if he was connected with November even now, across the far distance, like this.
When November woke the next time, it was only noon. Her sleep had been calm and dreamless. Again, she still felt numbed, after the waking up, looked around the room for a while and automatically reached for the ball which lay next to her again. She enjoyed the silence, the closed slats, which in this moment protected her from what was behind the door, what she did not want to see. She smiled at the realization of this being House´s office and at the pleasant mood spreading in her now. She turned on her side again, the ball right next to her face, the fingers of her right hand carefully resting on the ball and, with something affectionate in her expression, she wondered about what House was doing at this moment.
Without knocking or even casting a conscious look into House´s office, Wilson walked through the door. "Hey House, I just wanted-," he began, but didn´t get any further. To his big surprise, House was not at his desk – but the office was not empty either! In the beige seat November lay and slept!
November, still laying on her side and the ball between her angled arms, woke up by Wilson´s sudden entrance. Slowly, she opened her eyes and held the ball tight with her right hand. She only looked at Wilson confusedly, still far too deep in a dozy state to say anything. She just murmured something unintelligible.
"Oh, my apologies," Wilson hurried to say, "I didn´t mean to wake you up." He looked at November for a moment, as she was squinting at him indistinctly, pulling the wool blanket closer around her body. "You´re aware all right, where you are sitting there, or?" he asked in a more concerned than critical tone. "That´s House´s seat. Not even I am allowed to sit there!" Wilson added and sat on the desk chair across from her.
November straightened tiredly and turned to Wilson and replied in a carefree tone and still not fully in control of her thoughts. "Never mind, I´m sitting here already the second time, too – just without House, this time. No worries, he got my wheelie for a seat in exchange last time," November added with a slight smile and briefly recalled the conversation she and House had been having here. She glanced over to the wall, where a few days ago her wheelie had been standing. Tiredly, she looked into the emptiness and waited for Wilson´s reply.
"House has been sitting in your wheelchair?" Wilson repeated disbelievingly and shook his head slightly. "Well, be that as it may," he replied, still trying to imagine his friend sitting in November´s wheelie.
"Yes, sure, and why not," November replied casually to Wilson´s remark about the wheelchair.
"I´d thought the seat was the problem?" she said without expecting a reply.
"Do you know by any chance where House is? I couldn´t reach him but wanted to talk about something urgent to him," Wilson came forth with his actual concern, looking at November.
November looked directly at Wilson. "He has time off. Don´t you know that?" asked November now in his direction incredulously. If the two are friends, he should actually know that, went through November´s head.
"No, I didn´t know that," Wilson admitted, "When I was asking him just yesterday, he said he´d probably be here. But that could mean just about anything really, in his case…," he ended with a sigh and leaned against the backrest of the chair. Wilson pondered for a moment, prosecuting House about the stolen sandwiches, respectively confront him, would not work, it seemed. But as it was, the occasion was perfect for talking to November once more. After all, there was still something he was bent on discussing with her.
"Well, I don´t think he´ll show up anytime today. After all, he set this Dr. Cameron on me," November remarked, perking up slowly but surely.
"Cameron is nice," was the first sentence coming from Wilson. He could not know, after all, that House already had been saying the same about her to November. Somewhat embarrassed, Wilson began to slide back and forth on his seat. Should he just bring up the night of his bender once more, just so? – It was no use, he had to go through this, either way! Whether he found it unpleasant or not. A bit tense, the first words came over Wilson´s lips. "Say, November" – his voice clearly told that he felt insecure – "In the night when House and you had been talking on the stairs, how exactly did it all happen, actually? Well, I mean before that, what happened before that?" With an expression, as if he did not really want to hear the answer, Wilson looked at the young woman.
November pricked up her ears. Wilson´s expression being like that, she could not refrain from smirking, even though she clearly sensed that this was uncomfortable for him. "You probably would have staggered right onto the street – if I hadn´t been there – because you were completely absorbed in looking for a dog and howling loudly all around the neighborhood. Not to talk about all those trees standing around there," November ended her report and looked at Wilson expectantly. After a short pause, she asked interestedly, "Why do you want to know, actually?"
The reply was more merciful than he had expected. So, what House had told him some days ago at lunch seemed to be correct, after all. Apparently, this time, it had not been any of those idiotic jokes House engaged in so often. Somewhat calmer, Wilson remembered November´s question and replying to it already felt much easier to him. "Well," he started and searched for the right words, " House told me that you found me… or, a bit more dramatically, you saved my life and he only joined us then." Even if Wilson could not see it himself, he was still certain that his face now showed a mixture of confusion and thankfulness.
"Yes, he´s right there, he just joined then indeed and I really don´t want to know where you´d be now if I hadn´t been there before," November replied to him with a friendly smile, seeing the thankfulness and relief in his facial expression. He seemed much more relaxed from the one to the next moment. "Why did you drink so damned much actually?" November asked, slightly surprised by herself that she wanted to know that in this moment, but it was an honest interest which her voice expressed right now.
"Well, you know…," Wilson said and interrupted himself with a slack motion of his hand. "It isn´t important anymore now." He averted his eyes from November for a moment, before he continued to speak, "It does me well to know that House didn´t pull my leg, again. And if it´s all true indeed, I still owe you one."
Pleased, November replied, "I´ll take you up on that," and looked directly at Wilson. It was all right with her if it was so. At some point, it should certainly be good for something.
"Sure," Wilson confirmed, "If there is any favor I can do you, then I´ll do that gladly." He meant these words in earnest, yet in the hope of finally clearing his conscience with it.
Smiling, November added, "…but actually he´s rather personable, though…" but when she saw the sceptic expression in Wilson´s face, she followed up with "…up to now, either way." Still, she sat on the chair, wrapped in the blanket.
"How do you mean that now?" Wilson curiously went into it, furrowing his brow, "You are speaking about House now, seriously?"
"Yes" November began with serious, almost sad tone, reached for the ball and played with it in her hands. "I only know him and you here, after all." She lowered her head and suddenly the conversation with him in her room came back to her mind, when he had brought her the tablets and the pain had overcome her so intensely. Her struggle with herself and his presence, which had been so important in that moment. Even if they kept rubbing each other up the wrong way. "He is missing," November said pensively, without even wanting it and unconsciously kept turning the ball in her hands.
Only now Wilson realized that she was not only sitting in that seat but also was playing with his ball! It made him contemplative and he could not really make sense of it but it had not escaped him that his friend was behaving differently since a few days. Could this have to do with November? He did not know that much about her, just that she had picked him up from the street and that she was here for a withdrawal. November´s words took center-stage again for Wilson. "Well, you are the first one who refers to him as 'personable," he said, not without a certain skepticism in his voice.
November thought for a long while what to reply to Wilson. She did not want to tell Wilson about the connection, even if he was House´s best friend, it was a matter between her and House and judging by her experiences, it would probably only lead to lack of understanding or distrust as a reaction. Besides, she knew Wilson nowhere near as well as Ben, whom she could trust in such things. Instead, even if it might not seem really logical, she decided to explain it to Wilson with the words "Maybe it´s because I´m about to be a psychologist," spoken with a forced helplessness in her voice. "Maybe it´s something completely different, I do not know," she added and shrugged her shoulders.
Wilson had difficulties hiding his surprise. So his first spontaneous thought had been right! November was a psychologist! He was just about speaking his mind to that, when the pager in the pocket of his white coat beeped and he pulled it out quickly. With raised brows, Wilson read the short message. "I´m sorry." he began, already on his legs. "I need to move, duty is calling. Was nice chatting with you!"
"It´s fine" November called after him as he left the office and looked after his billowing coat.
While Wilson was hurrying along the corridor of the oncology ward at a rapid pace, he replayed this strange encounter with November. She was House´s patient and here in treatment because of her drug problem. At the same time, though, she spent the time in his office, slept in his seat, played with his ball and behaved as if she was very familiar with all that. In addition to that, House was behaving unusually "friendly" since he was treating November and somehow was presently changing… - Wilson was not able to put all these fragments of his observations into a clear context spontaneously. Some hours of rest and focused thought were needed for that! Regarding House, he knew him since long enough very well already – at least, he had thought that up to now. But November? She was a riddle to him at first sight. Could be he was wrong about it, but his gut feeling told him that there had to be something very important which the two of them liked at each other.
After Wilson had left, November let her thoughts loosely drift through the room without really grasping or understanding them – there was House, the pleasant atmosphere and silence at this moment, the ball which she felt in her hands.
Pensively, November stood at the window behind the desk and thought about Wilson´s words. She turned around. Her glance fell on the desktop. House had left his small black pager here. It lay there, downright as if waiting for his return. Ben had given one to November as well, so that they could contact each other inconspicuously in case anything important happened. It seemed to be the same model. November hurried into her room to get her own pager. Back in House's office, she checked his beeper for the frequency he could be reached with and programmed hers for the same. All the while she kept glancing towards the conference room attentively. Carefully, she set the small unobtrusive box back on the desk. A wide grin appeared on her face, as she did so. She was already incredibly excited, looking forward to seeing House's face.
The hours until Ben would come for his visit was dragging on and on. Neither listening to music nor playing with the ball made it any better really. Again and again, the glance to the clock, until it finally was time. Shortly before four, she left House´s office, got her wheelchair from her room to wait for Ben in the hospital's lobby. Like this, she could watch the still very fascinating hustle and bustle between clinic and emergency department. When Ben entered the lobby, November greeted him with a wide smile and an exuberant hug. "At last,", she whispered, still hugging him. With his paramedic uniform, there was no way of overlooking him. "Must've been terribly boring?" Ben said, slowly breaking from the embrace.
"More than that," November commented, while they walked towards the elevator together. When the doors opened, luckily it was empty. And House couldn´t unexpectedly enter the elevator either now. At least, there was one good thing about his day off. As the doors closed and the elevator started to move, November extended her hand towards Ben wordlessly. He knew, what she was getting at. From a hidden pocket somewhere in his jacket, he dug out something and placed three small bags with a white powder in November´s hands. November stowed them away in her sweatpants for now. "I´ll pay for it as soon as I´m out of here," she said in response, almost chilly and tonelessly.
Having arrived on the floor where her room was, they managed to get into her room without being kept by anyone. Here, as well, it was an advantage that House was not able to interfere this time, Ben thought to himself, briefly reminded of his shin. November disappeared in the bathroom of her patient room to put away the dope in the tool bag under her wheelchair undisturbedly. It was best to get to it from the front. So, she sat on the closed toilet, her wheelchair before her, and stowed away the speed, the heroin and even a few tablets of methylphenidate. She smiled to herself, with this, the upcoming nights should not be a problem anymore and it would last long enough at any rate. She would save the heroin for a special moment again, like the last time. She liked that thought, it would not end as lousily as it had the last time, after all, as this time, surely, the dope was okay. After a few minutes, she returned to Ben who was waiting in her room. "Let´s go elsewhere, you know I don´t like such rooms, after all." So, they made their way to the cafeteria again. Ben told November about his encounter with House and November reported to him how she had fared in the past hours and specifically about the shock the news about House´s day off had given her. Ben wrapped his arm around November´s neck and encouragingly said, "Well, I´m here now and half the day has passed already, too."
"But I´ve still a whole night before me and this time I didn´t have a day with House before that. That makes it doubly unbearable. But I´ve got enough dope now, at least," November replied, even if it was no real consolation. "I don´t understand why House apparently doesn´t like you..." November started after a short pause and pensively looked out of the window of the cafeteria. So, the two of them sat there a while, talking animatedly, until Ben received a message on his pager. "There´s something important I need to do, sorry, we'll have to postpone our plan of smoking a joint," Ben explained and got ready to make his way home. "Okay," November said. "See you tomorrow then," she added right away, to make sure he would really make good on his promise as soon as possible. Again, it was she, who was left and kept watching the hustle and bustle at the ER and clinic for quite a while longer, as time passed most quickly like that and it distracted her from the pain of being alone.
Gloomy and pensive, November tried to relieve her boredom with Bally and listening to music in her room. As the dinner wasn´t any good, she had stolen one of Wilson´s sandwiches once more. At least, it made her full. In the meantime, it was 8:30 pm. There wasn´t much going on anywhere anymore and for some reason, the nurses did not like it, when the patients were not in their rooms in the evening. November felt shut in, the walls seemed to virtually crush her. Slowly, this room began to torture her again. It was time to do something about it. She retreated to the bathroom to not get caught by the nurses. She got the amphetamine and methylphenidate from her wheelchair. Lousy day plus gruesome night makes double the dope, too, she thought to herself without thinking of her without thinking about her withdrawal. Which was, why she took a line of speed and swallowed half a Ritalin. "That should turn night into day, that will make it half as bad, hopefully, she thought, sitting in her wheelchair, her head leaned against the wall. Her eyes were closed and before her inner eye, House appeared.
It did not take long until the dope was starting to take effect. November felt an incredible urge to move which she would not have been able to satisfy with the wheelchair, so she decided to leave it in her room and walk through the corridors by foot. Her MP3 player, she put into the pocket of her hoodie. The skull on her t-shirt still gazed into the emptiness sadly. She took Bally as well and so she set off with quick steps. This time, she would not notice that her muscles would be too weak eventually and because of the urge to move, she would be able to keep it up longer either way. She told some story to the nurses and actually managed to reassure them. She could walk through the corridors of the clinic, unhindered, let her urge run free. In the truest sense of the word. A broad grin on her face, she enjoyed to be able to walk around by foot so long and so carefree. It was an awesome feeling. Being her by foot was a completely different feeling. Everything seemed so different, being double the size you usually were. November sat down at one of the waiting areas and enjoyed again being there without her wheelchair. The silence in the lobby was special too, also almost stifling, but it felt distinctly more pleasant than what she felt in her room. This silence, where else so much was happening at once, had something calming by all means, showed a completely different side of this area, made it somehow vulnerable and perceptible in a very different way. November played with Bally in her hands and moved her cheeks and jaw incessantly. She enjoyed it, not having to suffer this confinement and boredom, finally being free of it, she felt happy. Her elbows propped on her upper thighs, she pressed the felt ball against her forehead. She started feeling incredibly warm, she took off her hoodie, stowed away the MP3 player in the pocket of her pants, placed it next to her on the bench, picked up the felt ball again in her hand and could hardly wait to roam the hospital again, just like that. This time, she decided for the upper floors, walked along Wilson´s ward, but no matter where she was, everywhere only silence or soft beeping noises. And again and again, it was pleasant to virtually become one with the surroundings. At some point, she found herself back in her room.
When she entered, Cameron stood inside, as if she was waiting for her already. Even though November had been up and about by foot rather long, she still felt no exhaustion. "What are you doing in my room?" November asked with a certain skepticism in her voice. Cameron, however, simply ignored her question. November sat down on the corner of the bed and threw Bally up in the air and caught it again. Every single moment was so incredibly clear and November so focused and concentrated that she could completely forget where she actually was.
Cameron, who had been observing November quietly for some minutes, now suddenly spoke from the corner she still stood in, "I´m admiring your joy of living." November caught the gray-red felt ball and turned around to Cameron irritated. "What?" was the only thing November was able to get out. Joy of living, November thought. She doesn´t know anything at all.
"Yes, it certainly isn´t easy in your situation to manage your studies, to organize all that. It surely isn´t made easy for someone with a physical disability. But you seem to have a grip on your life, after all, else you wouldn´t be shortly before your graduation."
With every sentence Cameron said, November was more and more boiling with anger inside. Jumped up from her bed and stood in front of Cameron now, the ball in her left hand and gesticulating fervently. "Joy of living, you say? Have an idea why I´m here even? A grip on my life – you´re trying to cheer me up because I can´t just do what everyone else can do so naturally just like that?" November huffed to the doctor indignantly. "Why are you bullshitting me? How many more clichés are you planning to come out with, before you leave me alone?!"
Cameron, though, continued to speak, unperturbed and empathetic. "I would not be able to do that, you have my full respect."
"Yes, sure!" November got loud and started to walk about. She enjoyed it – that also being something she could not do just like that else, but thanks to the dope it was a cakewalk, how often had she imagined reinforcing her words with some forceful steps! Now, she could – just like that, without her muscles aching because she had overtaxed herself, or because it was not even possible at all to walk and intensely talk at the same time without the stuff.
"That´s why you act like a nurse who has no idea about how to deal with people who deviate from the usual pattern, because they don´t break down crying in front of big bad fate," November began, still enraged. "As a doctor, that shouldn´t happen to you, actually – let me guess – it reminds you of something before your job as a doctor, when you couldn´t deal with such things and let yourself be dragged into it far too much?" November persisted with an intense gaze.
"And that is why you became a doctor, so you can do everything to make it good again and can keep a clear conscience and don´t need to have guilt pangs anymore for giving the 'cripples' the go-by and by making it good again on others in their stead what you didn´t manage back then – which doesn´t mean anything else than that you also want to protect yourself from getting on the other side yourself in such a situation – doctor for self-protection – just great!" November continued without waiting for a reply. "Just ask Wilson about it, there are lots more who could need someone like you!" November reproached her and pointed in the direction of her door with the ball in her hand.
One of the nurses who had noticed the noise had come to look through the door just at this moment. "Miss Mevon? Is everything in order here with you?" "Yes, apart from this doctor here, everything is great, and now get out, or I will!" November replied irately and on the edge. Her eyes fell on the ball in her hand which she hid in her traveling bag to be on the safe side. The nurse backed out after November´s declaration and decided to call House. "Dr. House?! Please excuse me for calling that late but something is not right with Miss Mevon and I´m assuming you will be the only one she would get involved with, wrought-up and rejecting everyone else as she is…"
Although House had driven home with a calmed conscience the previous afternoon, he had left his phone number in the nurse station for good measure. He did not like the thought that some nurse might call him, but as nobody from his team was there and Wilson also had rescheduled his night shift, he had to make do with the nursing staff whether he liked it or not. If there would be any incident with November, he wanted to be informed about it in any case.
He had been wide awake already at the first ring of the phone and answered without hesitation. The night nurse had been on the other end and reported issues with November. House had not even asked for details but hung up and started on his way.
So, he was sitting in the car now and was driving to November. He did not know what had happened with her, but his gut feeling told him that November needed him.
Cameron tried to calm November and to somehow resolve the situation. "Hey, calm down, it wasn´t meant that way…" But November did not even perceive any of that. "Being tied to such a wheelchair constantly…" was the only thing she heard and she saw Cameron walking up to her wheelie. "Hands off!" November hissed angrily in the direction of her wheelchair. "You won´t be sitting down in it, only to know how it feels like! And also, the wheelchair isn´t shackling me but facilitates freedom for me, but why am I even telling you all that!" November did not have any issues talking, so she simply kept talking, still standing in the middle of the room. Slowly, though, she could not stand being with this doctor any longer. In despair, she took her pager from her sweatpants and paged House. With nervous fingers, she sent him a message, 'SOS Z304 Jona', and put the pager back in her pocket, resuming to go on and on to Cameron, „You´re talking like a whiner! Who is the one of us who doesn´t have a grip on the situation you or I?!" November paused for a brief moment. „Hands off, I said!" she called loudly at Cameron who was touching one of the wheelchair's handles. "Okay, out of here! Out!" she yelled at Cameron and finally thought it best to leave her room herself, as the urge to move had gotten more noticeable again in the meantime. November briskly walked up the stairs until she had reached the roof. Fresh air and distance, that felt good. But it didn´t take long for Cameron to stand in front of her again.
Without further thought, House stopped his car in the no-parking zone, in front of the emergency ward. From there, the route to the elevators was shortest. He got out of the car, crossed the ER hall and pushed the elevator button impatiently several times.
Once arrived at the diagnostic ward, he ran into the nurse right away. "Where is she?" House asked curtly, after already having cast a probing glance into November´s room. "I don´t know," the night nurse answered truthfully, looking up and down the corridor. "What do you mean, you don´t know?" House snapped at the woman gruffly. Nervously, the nurse turned to him, "I have last seen her walking towards the staircase." She pointed to the door with the lettering "Stairs" reluctantly.
House followed her gesture. "Staircase!?" he echoed, with a mix of surprise and confusion. Then he sprinted off and pushed open the door vigorously, it falling shut behind him a few seconds later. "Staircase!" he thought. Why did November have to hide here of all places? She wasn´t that good on her feet herself either?"
House leant over the banister a bit more and looked down. There were neither steps to be heard nor a person to be spotted. He raised his head and looked up. For a moment, he pondered. Which way might November have chosen. Once more, he looked down. Five floors were under him – his gaze went upwards again – and three above him!
Frightened, the nurse flinched as the door to the staircase got pushed open another time. With brisk steps, House hurried back to the elevators. "And?" the nurse called after him. „She is on the roof!" House replied, without turning around.
Tensely, House rode the elevator to the topmost floor and set course on the staircase again. At the landing, he stood still and looked up. In front of him lay about thirty steep concrete steps, still separating him from the hatch leading onto the roof. He hated stairs! More than anything else, since in spite of his cane and his other hand on the banister, with every step an indescribable pain went shot through him. Unwillingly, he set the first foot on the stairs and grit his teeth in pain in the same instant. Twenty-nine more, House thought, breathing out intermittently, before he took a deep breath and tackled the second step. Hopefully he had not been wrong and November had really gone up to the roof!?
Having reached the top finally, House dragged himself along the corridor, panting. His right leg hurt incredibly, tingled, burned and felt somehow numb. With his last ounce of strength, he opened the door leading outside into the open air. Breathing heavily, he sucked in the cold air and looked around searchingly. There she stood. November! In gray sweatpants and with only a t-shirt, she stood a few meters from the high edge of the roof, wildly gesticulating with her arms. He walked up to her and heard her talking to someone.
"Are you following me now?!" November asked in horror. To which Cameron replied, "I'm supposed to take care of you, after all, you are rather much at risk of falling and if you fall down from here…" "Thanks, I´m perfectly able to fall all by myself, what´s this about, anyway – you, here on the roof – leave me alone…" November did not even know herself why, but in her anger at Cameron, she yelled at her, "I am unfixable, that´s why I need the fix!", yelled it out into the cold nightly air in Cameron´s direction. And hoped that Cameron would finally leave her alone. And November alone on the hospital roof in a t-shirt, doing rounds. So far away from all other people and rooms she felt well and could enjoy once more that she could stand and walk so incredibly long without problems and without pain. The wind that was blowing up here did her well and thanks to the substances in her blood she could feel it particularly clearly on her skin. And yet – when she paused for a moment and looked into the distance, there was the same kind of sadness in her eyes as in the motif of her t-shirt. Not at once and plainly apparent, but if you took a closer look for just one moment, you could see it and feel it, and thanks to the t-shirt, even doubly expressive.
"November!" House yelled at her, he closed the last bit of distance to her and watched her turning around to him.
Almost desperately, November looked at House. "Could you please get rid of this whiner for me!?" she said, pointing towards the corner of the roof directly on the right behind her with her open hand.
Slightly puzzled, House looked at the would-be person November was pointing at. But nobody was there! His look went back to November. A moment long, he hesitated. It did not look as if she was joking, but more as it was a serious need for her to get rid of someone. „Who is there?" House asked interestedly. He was absolutely sure that – even if it was dark – nobody was here on the roof apart from November and him!
November was confused, as, after all, the doctor should really not be easy to miss. "Are you blind?" November started indignantly. "This Dr. Cameron is there!" and she pointed to the corner behind her again. "She is getting on my nerves already half the day with dumb questions and her I'm-dissolving-with-pity-for-others manner," November said and turned her back on House irritated and took another step towards the edge of the roof. "I am unfixable" it sounded in her ear again suddenly and she lowered her head with a sad look.
Now, House really was surprised! "Cameron?" he repeated incredulously and so quietly that November did not hear it. Cameron definitively was not here but sat in a plane to Paris where she wanted to pass her vacation. Concernedly, he watched November walking closer to the edge of the roof. "And you´re saying she´s following you around all day long already?" House repeated with a questioning undertone. He was not really sure yet how to assess the situation and thought it best to keep the conversation going for now. No matter the topic! "Well," he began somewhat awkwardly, "she´s getting on my nerves too sometimes." With cautious steps, he followed November to the edge.
In Novembers head, the junk was doing a good job. She was concentrated and focused. Every thought was incredibly clear and everything else rushed past her. "Yes, would she stand around up here and keep telling me things all the time else?" November replied annoyedly. The situation strained her more and more, actually she just wanted to get away here and now. Pay a visit to Freedom-Master? – it went through her head briefly. But only once House stood closer to her and she could feel his presence, something inside her calmed down. Fairly close, she walked past him, ran around in a circle energetically, almost like a tiger in a cage. "Then just send her away! She doesn´t listen to me!" she said with gesticulating arms, downright imploring him. She brushed her left hand through her hair despairingly, now standing in the middle of the roof. The wind on her skin and under her t-shirt made her realize that this here was real and she really was standing here.
House´s lucent blue pair of eyes followed November, who was moving around him in a circle. He noticed that she moved uncommonly fast and securely. Something was not right here! Nobody who had a CP and usually needed a wheelchair moved as dynamically. He kept following November and could see clearly that she was agitated and confused. With calm voice, he talked to her insistently. "What do you think of going back down together and I´ll talk to Cameron then, okay?" He knew that it was nonsense, what he was spouting there. But apparently November needed that assurance, and so he decided to take her and her wish seriously.
November lowered her head again and took a deep breath. She did not know herself what was right in this moment now. She felt so helpless all of a sudden. She nodded to him silently. "Yes," she added in a low voice. "But I'll go first!" she then said, with absolute determination in her voice again, lifting her index finger in House´s direction meaningfully and firmly looking him in the eye.
"That´s up to you," House said in an understanding tone and made an inviting gesture in direction of the door, glad in his thoughts about having lured November away from the edge. So she had not come up here to jump!
November pushed the door to the staircase open wide and briefly looked to House searchingly. The stair rail thankfully was a bit narrower than elsewhere in the hospital up here so it was possible for November to walk down the stairs without problems and without needing to worry about her balance, as she was able to hold on with both hands. Thanks to the amphetamine in her blood, she virtually ran down the stairs. It felt good! Damn good. She smiled to herself knowingly, enjoying the feel of this rare freedom.
Perplexedly, House watched November hurrying down the stairs. He shook his head and followed her at moderate speed, his leg hurting again with every step. He would get around to finding out what was fishy about this and what November really had been on the roof for later.
Once she had arrived at the elevator to the upper floor of the hospital, she leaned with her back against the casing of the elevator door and let House go first with pushing the button to call the elevator. "You may," she said with a calm voice and looked into his face, in which she saw a mixture of pain and exhaustion.
"Oh, how amiably of you!" he replied wryly and pushed the button with his cane. Here in the lighted corridor, it was distinctly brighter than outside on the dark roof. House looked November in the eye. Her pupils were, due to the lighting, unusually dilated. His eyes fell on her t-shirt, white with the drawing of a skull on it, which somehow made a sad impression. A sense of foreboding arose in House. Wordlessly, he averted his eyes from November and entered the elevator after the doors had opened with a silent ping.
November looked back into House´s eyes as intensely as he into hers. She tried to read something behind this piercing blue, to get to know something. But for now, there was only what she knew already – this curiosity and an interest, that could downright make him get his teeth into something and there also was that connection in this radiance which she had been so familiar with from the start and which also contained the pain that she herself also knew so well. In this moment, the elevator opened and November also took her eyes from House and walked into the cabin. "Unfortunately, I can´t share my muscle with you," November said just like that. She pressed her forehead against the metal, cool surface of the wall of the elevator and keeping her hands clenched around the handrail.
Interestedly, House added this behavior as well to the list of the symptoms he had observed, trying to guess what might have happened. He trusted November and until now had been convinced that she was serious about her withdrawal and really wanted to get it over and done with. The dilated pupils and her overexcited behavior, however, rather seemed to indicate that she had popped something again! Seeing how she was leaning against the wall of the elevator now, though, it could be just as well that the withdrawal symptoms simply were overwhelming her and apparently made her see ghosts.
November stayed behind House, when the elevator opened. For good measure, she glanced inside once more, to make sure that Cameron had not followed her even into the elevator. Fortunately, it was empty. Arrived at his office, November stopped and waited. The door was locked. She enjoyed that they were walking along this quiet corridor together so silently. But she felt how the effect of the substances was slowly fading. Nevertheless, she virtually absorbed House´s presence. His smell, his aura – time and again, it supported her, to be able to sense on so many different levels that he was there. Only now, she fully realized it. He was here. Even though he had time off.
House thought for a moment. What should he be doing now? – Sure, the simplest method of finding out if November had popped something again was to take a blood sample. But in her condition, he could not trust on her putting up with it without resistance. Maybe there was another, a more considerate way. If he just accommodated her a bit and could win her trust, she would tell him perhaps. Sooner or later, the effect of the dope would fade and November would become clear and sensible again. If he watched for that moment and used it skillfully, the chances of her telling him what he wanted to know were not bad. House did not even bother to direct November to her room but pulled his bunch of keys from his pocket and unlocked the door to his office. "Cameron won´t follow us in here," he hissed in whispering tone and with a smile, while November walked past him into the room. He followed her and turned on the light.
"Thankfully", November replied and slumped down into the seat, on which still the woolen blanket lay. For the first time during this night, she could let go, did not have to struggle with all the adversities inside of her, could be herself. Did not have to keep up any battle strategies, could drop her arms. She downright could feel how all that dropped off her at this moment. In this instant, she felt like a tree that loses all its leaves in autumn. They fluttered down, in front of her feet. Exhausted, she rubbed her hands over her face and watched the leaves in front of her feet. That the pager on the desk kept beeping, she ignored. She knew why, after all.
That November sat down in his seat, House accepted complaisantly this time. The more so as she had apparently done so already today, as the woolen blanket from her patient room told him. Annoyed by the beeping sound, he walked around the desk and reached for his pager. House only was planning to turn it off but he paused as he glanced at the message. "SOS Z304 Jona" the small display showed. Critically, he looked over to November, who had gotten comfortable in his seat and was looking at the floor under her feet dreamily. House pondered. SOS clearly was a call for help. Z304 was her patient room. But Jona? It took House a second to remember November´s file… Jona! That should be her middle name! Now he remembered the entry in her file again. Her name was November-J. Mevon-Rhain. The "J" standing for Jona.
"And now?" November asked after she had enjoyed the silence for a while and looked House in the eye again. "What are we doing now?" she said, sounding exhausted. Apparently, this „marathon" she had done in the past hours, had been more straining than it seemed, after all. Now, as the effect was wearing off, it slowly became apparent that it all stuck in her bones yet. But was it not her purpose as well, to be able to sleep finally at some point and to pass the night without anguish like that and to not have to brood. She was glad that House was here in this moment, without him, she would have felt awfully alone now.
House did not need long to put one and one together and his realization hit him like a blow. The small pager still in his hand, he looked right in the tired eyes of November and said it out loud what was on his mind, "You have staged the whole thing here consciously to lure me here?" His voice sounded cool and controlled, yet at the same time reproachful and uncomprehending.
His words hit November incredibly hard. Just as she had abandoned her own protection, he messed up again. She did not know whether she should cry, be angry or just leave him standing there. Irritated, November looked at House. "No, I´ve not!" she got out, just as uncomprehending and with horror in her voice. "Why should I stage something like that?!" she asked him gesticulating and had to muster all her strength to suppress her disappointment.
Right away, House felt that he his rushed words had achieved precisely the opposite of what he had intended. He clearly saw the indignation in November´s look and thought to see how she was retreating behind her shielding wall. If he did not want to lose her trust fully, he had to steer against it quickly. "I´m sorry," House began in a sincere tone, surprised by himself, before he set the pager aside. Still, November was eyeing him up. House reached for his desk chair, rolled it around the table top and settled down close to and opposite November. "I didn´t want to blame you for calling me for help, Jona." He fervently hoped to build up the crumbling connection between them again.
November pricked up her ears as she heard her middle name. He had called her Jona, by the name she had left in the message. So he did take it seriously, after all, that she was not well? Slowly, the storm that was just sweeping through her, calmed. But it also left a feeling of disorder. November did not know whether she could allow it or should suppress it. She held his gaze. For a long time, she simply looked House in the eye and felt cared for there. As well, that he now sat opposite her, eye to eye, and let her feel clearly that he was there and she was not alone, did her well at this moment. He could have gone away, after all, just leaving her sitting there, but he stayed with her and simply was there. All this let November feel that they still shared their connection with each other. Perhaps even more intensely and stronger than before, in this moment, as he witnessed a part of her broken self.
November´s long and intense glance caused a strange feeling in House. It felt as if she was sharing all her pain with him and let him see that which she else so frantically tried to hide from others. He knew that there was no point asking her what drugs she had taken again, or why. Any questions aiming for that would destroy the trust he had gained again. And so, quite simply, he asked, "What are you missing?"
Slowly, November took her eyes off him, leaned forward and pressed her forehead against House´s shoulder. She wrapped her arms around his torso, breathing in and out quietly. She was enjoying this closeness. "You are missing,"* she finally said, without really intending to, in a low and at the same time secure voice.
House froze and looked down himself with a thunderstruck expression – November´s head on his shoulder and her arms wrapped firmly around his chest – he swallowed audibly and did not know what to say. House had not thought it possible that he was that kind of important for November and she herself so much in need of support. Slowly, he freed his arm from her clutch, let her head slide on his chest and put his arm around her attentively. The feeling November caused in him in that moment was indescribable. There was so much understanding, so much trust in it virtually flooded him. House closed his eyes and took a deep breath. With soft voice, he began to speak, "I´ve thought of you as well today."
November felt his arm around her upper body and smiled, hearing his words. They held so much support and the moment was imbued with the feeling of being there for each other. There was no need of words to know of it. November fully succumbed to this moment. To that which connected her and House so intensely right now. Finally, for one moment, she had what she had been searching for so long.
House felt November letting herself fall into his arms easily and thoroughly relaxed. An unforeseen feeling of connection was flowing through him and he felt clearly how he as well simply succumbed to it and did not ask about the reason for all this any longer. It simply was good as it was. After a while, none of the two had said a word, House took his arm from November´s shoulders and sat on his chair gain in an upright position. With a soft smile, he looked at her, before he said somewhat worriedly, "Next time, though, you´ll call me right away, okay?" House looked at her for a moment longer and then added, "And don´t pop any kind of stuff again, please. That doesn´t solve any problems either."
"But did call you right away," November said with a slightly confused expression but friendly voice in the direction of House and the small black box appeared before her inner eye.
It took November a while to realize that their embrace had ended in the meantime. She sat on the front edge of the seat, looking into House´s blue eyes expectantly, but not daring to seek the closeness to House again just like that, while there had been a reason before, now something that let her do so, was missing.
A smile played on House´s lips. "But it doesn´t help much to send me a message to my pager when I´m not even carrying it with me," he finally said and added cheerfully, "Just get my number from Wilson or someone else from the team. Then you can reach me as well when I´m at home." It was weird to face November at a distance again now. While there had been so much trust between them in their embrace a moment ago, House now regarded November again much more as his patient. "What did you take, actually?" he asked in a slightly too perky tone.
"I fight with the devil for the nights and drag myself after the days running on reserve"** she finally replied to his question as if she herself fought with those words and hid her face again on the shoulder of House.
Again, she leant against him and apparently was looking for protection. It felt somehow different than the first time, though. "November…" House whispered caringly and sighed. He touched her at her shoulder and gently pushed her away from him to be able to look her in the eye.
"All people have sleepless nights and shitty days," House paused and looked deeply into her eyes, "But not all people go as far as injecting themselves with heroin because of that." In a soft voice, he continued, "Earlier on, on the roof, you said you were "unfixable" – why?" His hand was still resting on November´s shoulder and with his intensive gaze, he did not leave her an opportunity to evade his blue, enquiring eyes. If she really needed the closeness to him that much, then he did want to understand why!
At the first moment, November thought he was again only pursuing some particular consideration and she felt not understood. But that changed right away when he asked her for the why. November was almost hyperaware of his hand on her shoulder. It felt good and helped to not lose the contact to him, as in the first moment, she did not know how to answer his question and just felt a big nothing inside her. After all, she did not really know herself why she was like that. For a long while, she thought about an answer, losing herself in his gaze with her blue-gray eyes. "I´ve been alone with myself all along. Apart from Ben, I don´t have anyone. Most of the pain, I deal with on my own, there just wasn´t anyone there much too often, whom I could have shared it…" She paused a moment and then continued, "actually, I don´t know myself why I´m so broken, I just know that I am", and slowly took her eyes away from House´s and looked into his face. Almost as if remote-controlled, she clasped her pendant for a moment.
Her look and words told House that she had given him an honest and sincere answer, revealing herself to him. Three words of it resounded particularly strong in his ears: alone – pain – share. Only too well, he knew what lay behind those three words, after all, it was exactly that, what he as well had felt so often in his life. He did not believe he understood November completely in that moment but she allowed him a deep look into her soul and what he saw there, awakened a deep understanding which made all and any behavior of November during the past few days comprehensible. House took his piercing glance from her, ran his hand over her shoulder until it rested flat against her back and pulled November, without any reply, against him with gentle pressure.
November once more was enjoying the closeness to House as it was protection, support, understanding and it was once more also his smell which she could perceive and which gave her security. She could sense that she was not alone with her broken self in this moment and closed her eyes to fully focus on the feeling that was flowing through her gently just now. After a few minutes, in which she had traced all that what this moment meant to her, to keep a hold of it with by all means and with all her strength, to burn it into her mind and not lose it again, she felt tiredness arise in her and her breathing became calmer.
"You´re tired," said House, who did not break away from November that quickly this time. Both hands placed on her shoulders, they slowly slid down her bare arms and closed around her wrists with a pleasant warmth. "I´m not going to ask now where you´re planning to sleep tonight and just assume to see you here again tomorrow," House said with a stealthy grin.
"Certainly," November replied briefly with a smile in her voice, enjoying again the feeling of his closeness and wrapped her hands around his wrists as well. "Then you are going to leave now?" November asked a bit uncertainly, before she got up from the seat.
She had not let him go and House got up as well. „Yes," he said decidedly and with firm voice, contently watching a smile appearing on November´s face. He lowered his head and looked at his hands again, their wrists still clasped by November. Weird, House thought for a moment, that the two of them could stand here like this, without any crutches and providing support to each other.
It was a pleasant moment, even though November actually could not bear such farewells, she stood here with House and was able to smile. And something else also was very important to November in this instant. She hugged House for a moment gently and said, "Take care," paused for another short moment to give more effect to her words, before she broke away from him and also so that it became clear to her that she probably would not see him again before the next morning.
Somewhat confused by her words, House slightly frowned but replied, "You too," before he reached for his cane and left the office.
With a strange levity, House wandered through the empty ward corridor and made his way back to his car. The brief length of the elevator trip, he used to visualize once more what he just had experienced. Staring at the metallic elevator wall, he tried to recall the memory of the feeling that had just flowed through him. November actually had cuddled up in his arm and he had simply held her and felt well with it. What she had given him in that moment, he had never felt in his life before with another person! There was something, deep in November´s core, that was broken and lay in shards and he had seen it – or rather, she had shown him a part of it quite openly and in confidence.
The doors of the elevator opened and House crossed the unpopulated lobby in the direction of the emergency room. In front of one of the seating groups, he stopped dead in his tracks and looked pensively at the sweat jacket laying on a bench. It was November´s jacket! She must have had passed here on her intoxicated roaming of the hospital and took it off here. House made a few steps towards the seating group and picked the jacket up from the bench. He held it in his hand and thought for a moment. It was too late to bring it up to her now. Apart from that, they had just said goodbye to each other, so it would not be good to turn up in front of November again already… Maybe it was just his imagination but House thought to perceive November´s smell as he felt the soft fabric between his fingers. As he now knew her very own smell, having held her in his arm so long. He decided to take the jacket with him and give it back to her tomorrow, when they would see each other again. His cane in the one and November´s sweat jacket in the other hand, he walked along the corridor of the emergency department and the last steps to his car.
Even though he had parked in the no parking zone, his Dynasty still stood, where he had left it. His walking aid stowed away and the jacket placed on the passenger seat, he drove off. It was not long before his focus was on the deserted street only sporadically anymore and his thoughts were revolving around November again. He remembered the first day with her. She had shown little cooperation and had made a combative and dogged impression on him. What he had experienced tonight, however, was a young woman seeking comfort and protection – and with him of all people!
House had always been so sure about not being convincingly good in such things and if he was honest, then it bothered him even most of the time if someone wanted to get so close to him. But in November´s case, this was different. Might have been that it was because she was different. He got to hear often enough that he wasn´t normal either, after all. Which meant, that the two of them were the same actually…
House musings began to tie themselves up in his head and with a brief shake of his head, he tried to put a stop to it. It simply was too late and he too tired to keep thinking about it. He left it at the thought that something invisible connected him and November and that the events of this night had reinforced this connection. For a tiny moment, he simply admitted to himself that he felt happy and that he was thankful that November existed and wanted to be so close to him!
*line from a currently still unpublished song by Max Prosa, called "Du Fehlst" (You are missing)
**taken from „Geradeaus" (Straight ahead) by Clueso