Chapter 1: Hazbin Hire Part 1
[It's morning in Hell. The clocktower says 9:56 am. Several demons pass by and yell out curses at each other. All the while sit the Hazbin Hotel in all its glory. Just then an Eggboi is outside the hotel gates taking pictures of the site]
Random Eggboi: Wow! These pictures sure will impress the boss! He'll be ecstatic to take his revenge on Alastor once we identify the weaknesses of this place! (sighs in excitement) My life sure is wonderful!
[Just then, a supercar squishes the minion and his camera into pieces. Exiting the car are three beings, one of whom is Axelrod in a suit and tie. Ecstatic, he looks over his briefcase and wonders if he forgot something.]
Selaña: Now are you sure you're ready, husband?
Axelrod: Positive. I am ready to get my dream job!
Selaña: Because if this fails, I might have to resort to sending you to my lower associates for that accountant job.
Axelrod: Selaña, this will work! I'm positive that they want my services and I'm sure with this resume, nothing can stop me now.
Selaña: Husband! I'm worried. You're already a target for the numerous bungling gangs and everybody here might recognize you for the incidents you've been held accountable for.
Axelrod: That fire at the shipyards was not my fault. It was the faulty wiring of the lights.
Selaña: How do I know this hotel might be what you want to do for a living?
Axelrod: We've been through this. It was either this magnificent place or Channel 666 News. And you and I and Sune know Katie Killjoy wants my blood for some reason.
Selaña: (shaking her head) Estúpida bruja! Gracias a Satanas, te fuiste con la piel intacta. Just be careful. I can't keep wasting more money on you and your ransom payments.
Axelrod: I know you're worried and believe me I'm super aware of my surroundings. Also, that stopped once I realized I was carrying Mammon's black card in my wallet and should've used that as a bargaining chip.
Sune: (frustrated) Geulaedo neon gyesog baboya?
Axlerod: Baboga anila guenyang sunijnhae!
Sune: Gat-eun geos!
Selaña: Oh, great! It's the ninja again!
Sune: Ninja? Watashi wa shuriken neko yakuza no wakagashiradesu! Anata wa meinu o hebi shimasu!
Selaña: (breathes in) Stop speaking that gibberish and speak like an actual being! Nina tonta! No sabes ingles o español? Pudo babosada!
Sune: Nansensu? (speaks English) At least my employer trusts me with guarding my love! Unlike you, Ms. Bite first reply later?
Selaña: Aha! You can speak real words! And for your information, when you have a strongman choking you for cooking his steak well done instead of rare, then you can speak those words at me, puttanesca!
[Sune pulls out her two swords, one pale white and another lava red while Selaña points her rattle at Sune transforming it into a machine gun. Just before the two begin to kill each other, Axelrod steps in between the two with his hands at their faces]
Axelrod: STOP IT! Can't the two of you not kill each other whenever the arguments go nowhere!
Selaña & Sune: (in unison) She started it!
Axelrod: I don't care who started it! I'm about to start my job and you two fight over language! Selaña, por favor, no matas solamente por burradas como este!? And Sune, Ima sugu sorera no ken o oroshite kudasai!
[Both put their weapons down and Axelrod goes to Selaña]
Axelrod: Now, what do you have to say for yourself!?
Selaña: Just don't get kidnapped! Please, esposo!
Axelrod: Okay! I promise I won't get kidnapped!
Sune: Oh and one more thing! (grabs Axelrod's suit closely and responds sternfully) Anime No in'yo nashi!
Axelrod: (deflated) Okay. No anime quotes! I promise, my waifu.
[Axelrod proceeds to the hotel's entrance before yelling "Plus Ultra" and Sune and Selaña respond with facepalms. Axelrod, giddy, heads to the front door and knocks to see if anyone will respond.]
Axelrod: (knocking) Hello! Anyone there? I'm interested in working here! I'm willing to work for peanuts! Well, not peanuts per say but perhaps some stipend that's liveable. I'm willing to be paid in coins! [a shadowy figure appears] I have an impressive resume! And by impressive, I mean that I did not make this up at the last minute. I'm serious! If you don't believe me, I have numerous job references to back me up! Huh? Maybe they're on their break?
[Just then, out of the shadows, Alastor appears and greets the little guy]
Alastor: Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! (laughs) Just who are you supposed to be?
Axelrod: Um? I'm a? I'm a? I'm a?
Alastor: Hmm? Is your name Ima?
Axelrod: No! It's Axelrod! I'm just transfixed by your outfit? Are you by any chance Alucard?
Alastor: Who's that?
Axelrod: So you're not Alucard? Figures. You look like him but your demeanor says "Sharp dressed man"! How about Muzan or Ashura?
Alastor: I have no idea what you're talking about! And whoever they are, they sound like sad sacks compared to this happy fellow! My name's Alastor and I run the radio show in this hotel! I'm sure you're aware of my status?! The Radio Demon?
Axelrod: Honestly, no! Radio is so 1899! I'm more into streaming sites than some 19th century box!
Alastor: (threatenly) Listen here, bucko! If it weren't for good olde fashioned radio, then those fancy gizmos people use today wouldn't have existed! Trust me when I say it, radio is what made "streaming" happen!
Axelrod: You sure you're not Muzan! You remind me of him a bit.
Alastor: Excuse me, where are my manners! Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel! Are you here to stay or are you here to visit?
Axelrod: Actually, I'm here to apply for a job!
Alastor: Haha! I'm so sorry but, no! We have no openings! So you better try to find work somewhere else! Goodbye!
Axelrod: WAIT! There has to be some kind of job I can do! Security? Assistant? Janitor? Head of Demon Resources? It's like Human resources but since this is Hell, demons are everywhere. Of course, now that I think about it, it should be called Sinner Resources due to the amount of sinners in the Pride Ring!
Alastor: Brilliant ideas! But we have no need for those! Except security. But you don;t look like you can hold a gun?
Axelrod: Are you kidding? I have guns all over this suit. [proceeds to point at Alastor's back] Just let me stay here you gigantic horn demon!
Alastor: (turns demonic) DON'T TOUCH ME! I HATE BEING TOUCHED BY ANYONE!
Axelrod: (astonished) Are you sure you're not Ashura? Cause that kinda reminds me of Ashura!
Alastor: Well, you got the one thing to earn my distrust, being annoying!
Axelrod: I'm not annoying! I'll tell you who's annoying: Ronove! If you met him, oh boy you better wish you were somewhere worse than Hell! He'll bore you with his endless stories that have no conclusion! And another thing! Hello?
[Door slams on his face, Axelrod sits down and muffles his screams in his arms]
Axelrod: I can't believe I got rejected! Again! I swear, this is Sloth all over again! And Belphegor thinks I blew up his factory! Might as well tell my wives the news. (mind flashes back to a few hours ago: Selaña: Because if this fails, I might have to resort to sending you to my lower associates for that accountant job.) Damn it! I don't want to go to Chula Town! It's so boring! I have to work in a cramped space, surrounded by weirdos and count the hours while looking at the finances of Los Saguaros! If I wanted to look at the numbers and cheat Lucifer out of our earnings, I should've stayed at Mint City! (breathes) I can't go back without this job! I have to work at this hotel! It's my only option. Besides, it's only a 15 minute drive from here to my house. 5 minutes by public transportation! I mean, I might have to do that thing? If he's a dealmaker, that means he'll get my powers? But if I don't get my dream job, I have to work as a boring accountant! I have no choice, I have to make this deal! After all, what's the worst thing that could happen?
[Thumps on the door with his fist and Alastor answers]
Alastor: What part of no do you not get?
Axelrod: I want to make a deal!
[Suddenly, red mist covers the ground and Alastor appears with a green glowing hand.]
Alastor: A deal? What sort of deal?
Axelrod: I knew it! You're a dealmaker! Either that or this is your first one. Anyway! I want to work at this hotel! No ifs, ands or buts about it! I want to be the security guard at this place! And I am willing to let go of one of my powers, not both, one of my powers to work here!
Alastor: You realize you'll be under my whim if you proceed with this deal? Are you sure you want to make this happen?
Axelrod: Is Leona Helmsley a Barbie doll for Mammon's baby daughter?
[Alastor looks confused]
Axelrod: The answer is yes! To both.
[Shakes Alastor's hand and is given a uniform for his job]
Alastor: Here you go! Your brand new uniform for your first day here at this marvelous hotel! (laughs) Your first shift starts next week! I expect you to be here at 7am sharp! (grabs Axelrod by the shoulder) And you're mine for all eternity! Now, show me this magnificent power of yours!
Axelrod: Well, if you insist!
[Axelrod puts his hands onto his chest and pulls them out to reveal a shining, bright light to Alastor, who laughs at Axelrod]
Alastor: Hahahahaha! This is the power you bestow onto me! A light! And here I was thinking it was going to be dangerous!
Axelrod: Touch it! It'll kill ya!
Alastor: Don't mind if I do!
[Alastor puts his arm on the light and then his arm starts to sizzle, smoke comes out of his arm and the Radio Demon's smile turns into a scowl as he's on the ground screaming at the top of his lungs. Axelrod smiles when he heads back to his house]
Axelrod: Thanks for the outfit! I'll report back to the hotel next week sir!
[Alastor continues screaming until his arm stops sizzling and he regains his composure. Alastor them summarizes the event in happiness]
Alastor: So, if that is one of his powers, I wonder what the other power is? That light may be powerful, but if held with these hands, absolutely no one can stop this guy! Hahahaha! But first, I need some first aid for my arm!
[The clock at the hotel says 2:34pm. Charlie enters the hotel, excited about today's progress. Vaggie enters the hotel too and is feeling something amiss]
Vaggie: What smells like burnt liver in the entrance!?
Charlie: Oh, I'm sure Alastor has some explanation
[Just then, Alastor enters with Nifty and Husk and see Alastor's arm in bandages]
Charlie: What happened to your arm?
Nifty: Nothing! Alastor just spilled some hot coffee!
Vaggie: (confused) Then why is it covering his entire arm?
Husk: It was scalding hot coffee!
Vaggie: That still leaves me with further questions?
Alastor: Oh, don't worry about me! I was having some black coffee and then I accidently spilled it on my arm. Hahaha! I'm perfectly fine!
[Just then, Charlie notices a paper on the floor. She picks it up and reads it]
Charlie: Axelrod? Alastor? Did you hire somebody behind my back?
Alastor: If I said yes, will this make my situation any less suspicious?
[Everyone responds with blank stares at each other]
Husk: We'll take that as a No!
Vaggie: You hired some nitwit behind our back and then lied to us!
Alastor: He was very persuasive! And he was desperate! What was I supposed to do? Slam the door on his face? He happens to be sensitive!
Nifty: Oh! That poor, poor boy. Sensitive people have feelings too.
Husk: Yeah! At least Al can be caring!
Vaggie: That's not the point! We can barely handle you two! How can we handle another who probably has a sketchy past?
Charlie: Well, maybe we can visit him so that I can interview him personally!
Vaggie: Yeah! What she said! (pauses) Wait what? Charlie, I don't think that's a good idea. We don't know this Alastor person! What if he's a serial killer or a child molestor? What if he's another Alastor?
Alastor: Impossible! There can only be one!
Charlie: Look, Vaggie! When I let Alastor become part of the hotel, I also agreed to let him decide who should be allowed to work here. And since we got these two, I think this hotel could use some more help. I mean, according to this, Axelrod is willing to work for a liveable stipend. He sounds like someone who's determined to do anything. Which is? Uh? Alastor? What job did you hire him for?
Alastor: He wanted to work as hotel security. So I gave him the job on the spot! I even gave him his uniform for the position!
Vaggie: Security? We don't need hotel security! Razzle and Dazzle are the security! Aren't they?
Charlie: Actually, Razzle and Dazzle are my personal bodyguards. When I asked them to be the hotel's security, they showed me their contract and my father's words were boldly explicit: WE ARE MEANT TO GUARD CHARLOTTE MORNINGSTAR! NO EXCEPTIONS!
Vaggie: Oh! Well, we might as well see this Axelrod and wonder if he's got what it takes for hotel security!
Charlie: Great! Let's see here. 1313 Superbia Street. Hmm. Where is that? North of here? Or south?
[The clocktower says 3:22 pm. We see Sir Pentious' airship in the background. We enter the airship and Sir Pentious is in his bedroom, changing his outfit for some reason]
Sir Pentious: Hmm! Let's see! Which one of these outfits scream "bodacious partier"?
[Sir Pentious shows his minions two outfits. The one on his right arm says "Partying Hard or Hardly Partying" and on his left is a suit with rhinestones and sparkles. His minions are trying to decide]
Eggboi: I think the left. It shows your eyes!
Eggboi: I dunno. Maybe the right. You are a hard partier. A really hard partier!
Sir Pentious: (indignant) I really don't care what your opinions are! I just want to look wonderful for this party I heard on the grapevine. Hopefully this will distract from that Eggboi who never showed up with those photos I wanted! What a lazy minion! I gave him one job! ONE JOB! And he couldn't get that done! (sighs) I need some air!
[Sir Pentious exits his room and opens his airship balcony in a huff. While gazing at the skyline, he spots a limo stopping near a penthouse. Out of the limo, Selaña exits and enters the penthouse while Pentious gawks at her beauty. "I Only Have Eyes for You" by The Flamingos then plays at the background as Pentious fantasies their romance]
Pentious: Oh! My beautiful rattlesnake! You kiss like a woman who knows the art of love!
Selaña: Oh, Sir Pentious! You got the brain of a sexy man! I can't wait to fertilize my eggs with your sperm!
Pentious: I've always wanted some heirs to pass on my knowledge! And with your sexy looks, my children will make those Overlords look repugnant by comparison. Now then let's kiss, you ravishing rattlesnake!
Selaña: Have sex with me, you carnal cobra!
[Selaña and Pentious then kiss with erotic passion. Then Selaña proceeds to vore Pentious as he begins licking her snake vulva inside of her. Pentious then bites Selaña on the neck and she reciprocates by grabbing his tail and yanking it up and down until he responds with pleasurable moanings. He then grabs her chest, presses to his mouth and squeezes breast milk to his mouth. All the while, he kisses Selaña until the dream ends and we see him actually kissing an Eggboi relentlessly]
Eggboi: (flattered) Oh my boss! I never thought you were so affectionate. Maybe you're not such a pent-up, angry boss after all!
[Sir Pentious, in disgust, drops his minion and runs to the bathroom. He proceeds to vomit in the toilet over the fact he made out with his minion. He exits, embarrassed, and is surrounded by Eggbois]
Sir Pentious: (menacingly) This never happened! Now I'm going to put on my Partying Hard outfit, go to that party, have a good time, (silent) probably come back with that snake woman, and I expect ALL OF YOU to watch my airship by the time I get back!
[The clocktower says 4:15pm. The penthouse has a line that stretches 3 blocks with sinners, demons, and hellborns waiting impatiently. Just then, the Hazbin limo parks at the entrance, upsetting several partygoers.]
Sinner: Hey! No cutting! Wait in line like everyone else!
Alastor: Hahahaha! Look here, we got an interview with someone! Waiting is for losers like you, get it!
Sinner: I still think you should wait, motherfucker!
Charlie: We are just here to interview Axelrod. We don't want to cause any trouble.
Sinner: Hey look! It's that bitch from Channel 666! Hi loser, you here to embarrass yourself again! If you like, you can suck my dick in front of my friends right here!
Vaggie: Hey! My name is Vaggie. How much do you love your teeth?
Sinner: What an odd question? But if I have to guess, I'd say very much…Duagh!
[Vaggie punches his mouth hard and knocks his mandibular teeth out his jaw and into the pavement]
Sinner: (mumbling) My teeth! My perfect teeth! That was a 5 months salary worth of teeth! Now I look ridiculous!
Hellborn: And ugly too! Leave this place, uggo! And take your jaw too!
[Vaggie turns around and sees Charlie scowling]
Vaggie: What?
Charlie: That was not nice! That poor sinner! Why did you have to knock out his lower jaw!
Vaggie: He insulted you. What was I supposed to do, let him get away with it?
Charlie: Our mission is to help not hurt sinners! I want you to remember that once this interview is over, Vags!
[They enter inside and are greeted by the front desk employee, Mandreas, and he is not keen on their entrance]
Mandreas: (hesitant) Hey! Hey! Hey! You people can't enter that elevator! The upper floor is very busy today and unless you have an appointment, I need to ask you puttanescas to leave right now!
Vaggie: (insulted) Puta!? Listen here, cabron! We have important business with Axelrod! And unless your mouth says anything besides "puta", I suggest you shut your mouth already!
Mandreas: Hey! I don't make the rules, I just follow them! Maybe you don't obey the rules correctly given your Guatemalan voice!
Vaggie: Guatemalan!? I'm from El Salvador, you Chicano cabron!
Mandreas: You know what, now you never get to see Axelrod for eternity! If you apologize right now, I might reconsider Sucia Salvadorena!
Alastor: If you're done talking like a quarreling couple, I got the elevator open and pressed the button for the penthouse suite!
Vaggie: (teasing) See ya later, cabron!
Mandreas: Wha? Oye! No entras ayi! Get out of there! OOF! Ay, mi cabeza! Oooh! Selaña is going to have my balls for this!
[The Hazbin staff are inside the elevator and are waiting for it to bing the penthouse level. While they wait, they notice the many floors of the penthouse. One (Floors 1-10) of which is styled like a minka house. There they notice Kuko, the oyabun of her yakuza, punishing a druggie.]
Kuko: (sternly) So! Anata wa watashi ni keii o harai, watashi no pachinko-ki o sobi suru koto o kyohi suru yarodesu.
Druggie: (blubbering) Your beautiful grace! I'm just a drug addicted loser in debt with a lot of gangs! I didn't mean to rig the machines! I was told by the West Side Shamrocks to rig them so that I can pay them the money I owe you! As for not paying you tribute, my family is in desperate need of food, my beautiful geisha of a boss!
Kuko: (calm) Chinmoku. Anata no kotoba wa saru yori mo seseragidesu! Watashi wa anata no inochi o oshimanai (druggie misheard it as: Atana no inochi o tasukemasu).
[Druggie sighs before an associate pulls out a katana and decapitates the captive. The staff have divided emotions as Kuko licks off the blood out of her kimono]
Kuko: (pleased) Baka!
Charlie: Is it me or is she wonderful in that dress!
Vaggie: (dumbfounded) Wonderful?! She just killed somebody! Probably some innocent sinner who wanted out of her gang!
Alastor: Oh, please! That drug addict probably was more useful as mulch than it was alive.
Nifty: I wonder how those blood stains will affect the carpet? I probably would burn it.
[All the while, Husk is pressing the glass over how sexy Kuko is. Seeing the oyabun exercise her power made his lower parts erect to a 11th degree]
Husk: (blushing) That cat babe is f #king HOT! I want to ride her to an infinity road that leads nowhere!
[Just then, Kuko's cat ears ping on the staff's voices. She looks up and notices a horrifying sight]
Kuko: (aghast) Inkei! Inkei! Karera wa watashi no otto o korosu tsumoridesu! Ima watashi no Sune o okutte kudasai!
[The Hazbin staff then reach the second (Floors 11-20) part of the penthouse. They see a dark and barely lit room filled with ninja weapons as the elevator then reveals another room that's brightly lit and stylized with Korean cultural icons like the South Korean flag and several televisions showcasing Kpop bands. They then see Sune on the couch watching TV.]
Sune: (frustrated) Halu swigi joh-eun nalman gollaseo TVe amugeosdo an nawass-eo!
Wae gwichanh-a?
[Suddenly her cell phone rings. It says Oyabun. Sune sighs ]
Sune: Kon'nichiwa bosu!
Kuko: Tsumekomi, wakagshira! Watashitachi wa okina mondai o kakaete imasu! Otto o korosu tame ni asashin ga haken sa reta! Karera wa erebeta ni imasu!
Sune: Otto o!
[Suddenly, Sune jumps out of her casual garb for her ninja outfit, and heads to the elevator before retreating to the couch to take her casual clothes to the laundry basket. Meanwhile, the staff have stopped abruptly and Husk goes outside to check what happened. Suddenly, the elevator doors close and the elevator continues up. Husk is then confronted by Sune.]
Sune: So, you must be the assassins sent to kill our husband. State your name and I might make your death a botched seppuku!
Husk: Us? Assassins? Ha! If I wanted to kill your husband, I would've gone the quick and painless route, a gun to his head! Listen girly, I just want to know if that cat babe has a phone number?
Sune: Our oyabun is already married! To husband! And even if I perform such a task, she wouldn't cheat with dirt like you! Now, spill it! What do you hope to gain from killing husband!?
Husk: Gain? Nothing! And what do you mean "dirt"? I am 100% genuine! I can score any babe! But now, I want to shoot you dead! (cocks guns)
Sune: Guns? (scoff) Such a caveman! (pulls out shurikens)
[The staff then reach the third part (Floors 21-30) of the penthouse. They see a brightly lit room filled with Mexican cultural icons, from cacti to the flag to painted skulls and a giant portrait of Selaña. The staff are at awe with the room, especially Charlie]
Charlie: Ooh! Aah! Mexico! I love tacos! Say, Vaggie. I bet you miss this place don't you?
Vaggie: Charlie, you do know I'm from El Salvador, right?
Charlie: (feeling dumb) Oh. Right! I knew that! I was just kidding!
Vaggie: Although, that snake over there is giving me a bad feeling. A very blood boiling feeling.
[While the Hazbin staff are too busy gazing, Selaña is at the phone while cooking a meal]
Selaña: Mandreas, I really have no time for this.
Mandreas: Just listen to me! Some Hondurainian entered the penthouse and are after Senor Axelrod! Send in the 68th squadron! Excuse me ,Senor. You can't barge in this place! You need to go to the back of the line!
Selaña: Callate! ¡Ya no! I will deal with this Hondurainian alone! Just continue with your post, dammit! (hangs phone) Honduras! Bunch of mierda!
Vaggie: Huh? I guess she didn't look up. (whistles)
[Suddenly, the elevator's side wall opens and Vaggie falls into a dark room. Light blares the room as Selaña appears, pointing her rattle tail at Vaggie]
Selaña: So you must be the Hondurainian out to kill mi esposo! I must protest. A filthy Hondurian entering a Mexican household? You must have either shame or balls to do such a suicidal task! Prepare to die, puta!
[Selaña tail turns into a gatling gun and shoots bullets at Vaggie as she keeps dodging]
Vaggie: Okay. You want rough! I'll give you rough! And first of all, I'm from El Salvador!
Selaña: Salvadoreanian? Even mas sucio!
[Both women charge at each other and the screen turns to the Hazbin staff entering the fourth part (Floors 31-40) of the penthouse. There they see honeycombs, worker bees, and another self portrait of the queen hornet, Jessica. Hazbin staff are at awe]
Alastor: (unamused) Hmm. So she's queen? Like I care.
Nifty: (awed) She's a wonderful woman! I wish I was like her! Then I could find a man of my own!
Charlie: I wonder what that honey tastes like?
[They then arrive at the fifth part of the penthouse (Floors 41-50). The room is revealed to be Spain related. From The Spanish flag to Picasso paintings, we then see Aritzia, trying on different dresses for something]
Aritzia: Hmm? What outfit makes me look attractive to my husband? Or perhaps, my hair needs to look less frazzled? Or what if…? (looks up) What is that? (squints and sees the staff in the elevator) Intruders! Not in my house! (picks up and cocks a machine gun) Prepare to die, motherfuckers!
[On the top floor, Axelrod is seen partying with his invited guests in his hot tub. While the music is blaring up the room, his cell phone keeps ringing but is canceled out by the noise. Axelrod is with Jessica as they see who gets to be wife #6]
Axelrod: Ooh! That ass on that one is purely divine.
Jessica: Nah! She has that face that yells: "I bang men for a living because my dad fucked me when I was trying for cheerleading tryouts."
Axelrod: What about that girl? She's got nice tits?
Jessica: Boo, do you see those legs? If I want wife #6 to have skinny legs, then anorexia nervosa should've come as an OTC medication.
Axelrod: Okay, boo! I see. Wait! What about those tits? I betcha those breasts scream, "suck me dry"!
Jessica: Honey, that's a guy! And not an attractive looking one.
[The one Axelrod pointed to was actually Angel Dust. And the breasts were his fluff.]
Axelrod: (deflated) Oh? Thank goodness! I mean look at that gonk! He reminds me of Asmodeus!
Jessica: Hey, babe? I know you hate him but never mention that name in this house.
Axelrod: Right, boo. After all, I got what I needed from that sex crazed bastard.
[Axelrod sees the thing on the floor, pulls out the hinges of the thing, and pulls out a succubus in lingerie]
Harlacher: (sultry) Hi! My name's Harlacher. What's yours?
Axelrod: Axelrod. And for the next 30 minutes, I want you to suck my dick.
[Harlacher proceeds to perform fellatio onto Axelrod while he proceeds to suck onto Jessica's breasts. Meanwhile, an exhausted Husk runs into Vaggie on the 50th Floor]
Husk: (panting) What the fuck are you doing here!?
Vaggie: I should be asking you that question? All I know is that one minute I'min the elevator with Charlie and the next I'm in a gunfight with a fucking snake demon!
Husk: Well, I'm no better? Somehow, this fox ninja chick has me confused. She's saying that we're "assassins" sent to kill her husband. Whatever bullshit this is, it's clearly related to this Axelrod guy we're meant to speak with.
Vaggie: I swear if Axelrod is responsible for this, I will castrate his balls and stuff him with dynamite!
[Suddenly, shurikens nearly hit Vaggie and Husk senses gun clicking]
Sune: So, it's true! You really want to kill our husband! You'll probably have an erection just to see his corpse bleed!
Selaña: ¡Pinche mierda! You have the balls to say such atrocities to Axelrod! You clearly have an irrational hatred of men! Justified, since Salvadoreans women like you seem to prefer violence over love!
Vaggie: (irritated) What!? You think I thrive on killing? I'm in the hospitality business!
Selaña: And what about you, cat boy!?
Husk: I work as a bartender.
Selaña: Hmm. I see. (cocks her rattle tail) Die, peasants!
[Cut back to the elevator, which reaches the top floor, and out comes Sir Pentious in his "Partying Hard or Hardily Partying" shirt smiling with glee but making the party guests cringely stare at him]
Sir Pentious: Hey, party people! How's it hanging?
Partygoer: Dude? How old are you?
Sir Pentious: Old enough to have a good time! So, what's bodacious about this tubular shindig!?
Partygoer: Um! Listen man, you need to leave, right now! You're making everybody here super uncomfortable!
Sir Pentious: (oblivious) Listen, I just want to get high! Maybe pick up some chicks! Hey! How are you!? Want to sleep with me tonight!?
Partygoer: Ugh! No way! I may be a call girl but you are definitely the very definition of mid-life crisis!
[Dejected, Sir Pentious head to the bar and orders some drinks to ease his pain]
Sir Pentious: Do you have any tea, perhaps?
Bartender: Dude? This is a bar! Either order a beer or fuck off!
Sir Pentious: Uggh! I try to socialize with these cretins and all I get are blank stares and rejections! Maybe it's my perfume?
[Suddenly, Aritzia appears on the top floor looking for Axelrod and Sir Pentious, once again, falls in love with "I Only Have Eyes for You" by The Flamingos playing in the background. A dream sequence sees Pentious and Aritzia hold hands to the music as the two converse]
Sir Pentious: I never thought a scorpion like you would have a face so sexy! I must be the luckiest demon in the world!
Aritzia: Oh, Penty! I just assumed you were all hissing and no biting! I never thought you were brave enough to drain that criminal dry and inject him with enough venom to disintegrate him to ashes! You are so, so, so brave! I love that in a man!
[Sir Pentious sighs until a familiar lady appears]
Selaña: (aghast) Senor Pentious! Who is this woman? I thought we had a thing!
Sir Pentious: Selaña! It's not what it looks like?!
Aritzia: Back off, bitch! He's mine!
Selaña: Bitch this, you Spanish whore!
[Both ladies fight for Pentious' heart while Pentious gazes at them with lust. After the dust settles, he caresses both of them while they award him with kisses.]
Selaña & Aritzia: (in unison) Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! x7
[The dream sequence ends with Sir Pentious lovestruck and unaware of the bartender slapping his face]
Bartender: Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey!
Sir Pentious: What? What happened? Where are my sexy ladies!? Why am I not caressing their bodies!
Bartender: Do you mind not dream masturbating!? You're scaring the actual ladies!
[Aritzia then finds Axelrod in the hot tub with a succubus and Jessica. Nonplused by what's happening, Axelrod listens]
Aritzia: There you are, husband! I have to tell you something! Assassins are sent to kill you!
Axelrod: (confused) Assassins? At this hour? I'm pretty sure the gangs we're at war with know the truce we agreed with, right?
Jessica: Um, yeah! We agree not to invade their territories in exchange that they don't interrupt your leisure time. (To Aritzia) Who's doing this?
Aritzia: Some weirdos! A woman, a tiny woman, and I think an Overlord!
Axelrod: I'm sure it might be that favor thing the Mafia would do from time to time. Either way, let me deal with it.
Aritzia: Do you need some assistance!? My venom can make those weirdos feel excruciating pain in…
Axelrod: No need. Whatever it is, it'll probably be benign.
[Suddenly, the elevator dings and out comes the Hazbin staff. Axelrod, petrified, leaps out the tub, grab Harlacher out of the tub and into the thing, runs to his room, dresses himself in his casual attire, rethinks his actions, runs back, and comes out in his professional garb (suit, tie, slacks, loafers) to greet Charlie. Just then, an explosion is heard at the stairs door and out comes Husk and Vaggie, messy and covered in black soot, panting as Kuko, Sune, and Selaña appear with weapons drawn at them and the partygoers]
Axelrod: Awkward!
End of Chapter 1 Part 1