Jumping from place to place, diving into a dangerous situation around every corner. This realm was nothing if not unstable. Enormous monsters, deadly flora, certain death, the only constant was the stars in the sky and the general acceptance of your lack of safety.
The Dark Continent was not a place for the faint of heart.
Nor those lacking in both physical and mental strength.
It felt like they were constantly taking one step forward and a hundred steps back. The months dragged on, with hardly any progress at all. Following the guide in Don's book was near impossible, not with so much on the line… not when everything they were doing went against every single guideline by nature.
No matter what they did, no matter what path they took, there was always something there. A creature. A living nightmare. Always leaving Gon helpless, tugged along in Killua's arms.
Killua had told him not to come, said he could handle it himself.
He'd rushed to Whale Island the second he'd heard, on his hands and knees begging for Mito to take Alluka in for a little while. Just until he could get Kurapika out of there. Of course Mito had accepted, who could say no to Killua? To Alluka?
Gon remembered that reunion… it had been so rushed.
He'd been up on the roof that day. Whenever the rainy season came the wet would seep through the age old structure. The house wasn't new, it had its fair share of leaks and creaky boards. Every rain storm would serve to reveal a new leak in the roof, and it was Gon's job to fix it.
It had been humid, clouds hanging in the sky with the promise of more storms soon to come. Outside was an inferno, beetles screeching in the forest and birds chattering back and forth. Light cloud cover meant absolutely nothing on a tropical island, there was no escape from the heat.
Only the silky embrace of the rain would serve to grant reprieve, but the rain was Gon's sworn enemy at the moment, he couldn't seek the embrace of the very menace that was worming its way through the creaky roof and spoiling Mito's carpet.
Roof work was always hard, but especially in the thick of the heat. Gon had been up on the roof all morning. Every time he got up there he'd complete his task, but then he'd keep seeing other tiny issues. A loose tile there. A gutter that needed to be replaced. He'd find himself magnetized to the roof, like a moth drawn to light. There were so many things to do. So many things he could fix, improve.
It was always like this. Ever since he'd come back some three years ago. Schooling had been all consuming at first… but it was a sorry replacement for the constant thrill of training and flitting about. Once he'd finally caught up on his school work, he'd finish his day's work within a matter of hours.
There was nothing to do after that.
He'd re-explored and re-mapped the entire island a total of three times before he had to finally accept that there was nothing left for him in that activity.
He'd gone back to the lake, caught the Master of the Swamp.
It wasn't as fun the second time…
He'd joined Mito at work, but whenever Gon showed up he only served to annoy the fishermen. What was the point in bothering when Mito's kid could just show up and catch triple what they could in a day, in half an hour, using half the effort?!
Mito had pulled him aside after not even a week, telling him that while his help was greatly appreciated… the fishermen kind of already had it under control.
Gon had found similar reactions from all the other villagers too.
Farming, fruit picking, running stands, even sewing.
Everyone on Whale Island had a purpose… and now that Gon was no longer just a scrawny little kid, dancing around the island without a care in the world, it was time for him to find a place in the community as well.
Only problem was… he'd been off wandering the world when his apprenticeship would have started. The other girl his age had trained in serving the community, and was now being groomed to take up the mantle of mayor… all while Gon had been out hunting for cards in some wild video game… fighting a bunch of battle-addicts in Heavan's Arena… getting himself captured by the Phantom Troupe…
While his adventures had been grand, spoiling him with a constant string of new things to do, new messes to get himself into… they were no substitute for the transition into adulthood that he'd so widely missed.
On Whale Island, once you turned 14 you were considered a young adult. It was a small community, everyone had a job and a place. Every person was laced together in a delicate tapestry. The shining example of a self-sustaining utopia.
Gon had always been too hyper and self absorbed to really make any connections over the course of his childhood… he'd been more preoccupied with romping around the island and pretending to be a foxbear than anything substantial. And when he left… he completely missed his window.
The Island learned to live on without him. He'd had a place in the ground, but once he'd unrooted himself the others had quickly filled the gap, leaving him no room to slip back into place.
So with nothing better to do with himself, he'd just throw himself into long and tedious home-improvement projects. He'd reorganize the kitchen. Deep clean the entire house twice over in one afternoon. Sweep the entire roof for defects when in reality there was only one issue requiring his attention.
It had gotten really bad when his first summer break rolled around. Without school to distract him for half the day, he'd decided that the silverware could be of better quality. It had been old, forks bent and knives dull.
So naturally Gon had descended to the mines and dug up twice his weight in silver. He'd marched into the island's forge, determined to make a new set of silverware by hand. Not his highest moment, as he'd thrown a wrench in the rhythm of the forge workers (getting himself politely banned from the only island business he hadn't gotten his hands on).
But he'd done it.
He'd crafted a new set of silverware.
Four sets, actually. A surplus of silver had seemed beneficial at the time. What if he messed it up? But Gon was a natural talent at anything he tried his hand at. If one could master Nen at just 12 years old then quite literally every mundane task was child's play.
It had been… hard.
He had nothing with which to pass his days. His Nen was gone. He'd trained enough to figure that out. He'd said he'd wanted it all to end… he should have seen this coming. He should be grateful for this outcome, or at least that's what Ging had told him.
"This is a great opportunity for you to discover what you can do, as you are now."
Well there was nothing to do.
Whale Island was where Gon belonged, but it seemed that Whale Island didn't need him anymore… the people were just fine on their own. Once he'd done everything he could possibly lay his hands on (Mito had drawn the line at replanting every blade of grass on the entire hill), Abe had told him to just lay back. Relax.
Life wasn't about constantly doing things, it was about enjoying what you had before you.
Not finding excuses to improve what was already perfect the way it was.
A lovely sentiment, and Gon truly took it to heart… but that didn't change the fact that he was bored and in need of stimulation. So once a small project turned up? A wobbly table leg? A creaky step? A leak in the roof? Gon would throw himself into the project in earnest, looking for any excuse to drag it out.
Three years on Whale Island.
Seventeen years old.
Gon Freecss was no longer the young talent fighting in the NGL.
He was an aimless teen, catching his breath on the roof so he could finish up his invented tasks before the rain started back up. Was this all that was left? Was this seriously all that life had to offer now? Apparently so…
But that's when his breath completely left him.
On the far edge of the lawn, just crossing the crest of the hill…
It was like the second coming of christ. Gon's heart had stopped in his chest, a million little lights sparking to life in his heart.
It was… no. Couldn't be.
Gon had taken so much for granted during those two years. Those amazing two years when the world consisted of nothing but adventures and endless possibilities. So many things to discover, everything to get his hands on. Gon was a doer. He needed to do things.
Just like Ging, he was always chasing after what he didn't have.
Or at least… he had been.
Until he'd lost everything he'd gained, and gotten the harshest wake up call of his entire life.
Until his most important person walked away from him…
No, until he pushed him away.
With his own kiddish stupidity.
His own selfishness.
But now?
Coming up over the edge of the hill?
He was here.
He was… back.
Killua. With his little sister at his side, wild black hair dancing in the wind.
Gon's first impulse had been to launch himself off the roof and tackle Killua to the ground. His heart, his soul, his everything. Killua was everything, always had been and always will be. And he was here, he had returned.
But… no.
Something was off.
Killua looked frantic, even from this distance. What was wrong? Has something happened?
Gon had found himself trapped on that roof. Unmoving and unable to move.
The last time he'd seen that look on Killua's face…
He'd blown up an entire forest.
Tried to end his own life, just to destroy the body of an already long-dead enemy.
So Gon watched, watched as Killua disappeared onto the porch. He listened as Mito opened the door, and welcomed him in with earnest and a suffocating hug. Gon… he sat on the roof. Unsure. Indecisive.
Killua had left him for a reason… would he really… wanna see him again?
Like this?
Gon was…
He was just…
Nothing.
He'd sat on that roof for a long while, taking his time cleaning up the tools and putting his shirt back on. Straightening his clothes and wiping the sweat from his brow. Pulling his hands through his hair and rubbing the dirt from his cheeks. Because he cared about how he looked, for Killua at least.
He couldn't present himself to that incredible person if he looked like he'd just crawled off a roof. Like he'd just spent three years doing… absolutely nothing. School was nothing compared to what Killua had done… Gon had seen his pictures. Read his posts. Heard about his accomplishments from the Hunter website.
Killua had made a real life for himself… he'd done so many incredible things.
All while Gon had been here…
Getting under the feet of the villagers, and repainting the entire house when he wasn't making straight C's in his classes…
All that sparkling potential wasted on a mundane life. All because Gon had been so selfish, throwing his life away and not stopping for a second to think about…
"Killua?"
He'd stood on the stairs, low enough to be fully visible but high enough to be out of reach. Hand on the railing, tool belt slung low across his hips. A pair of eyes bluer than the purest ocean turned around, glancing up at Gon. He was taller… more muscular. His silver hair was longer, curling around his ears and tickling against his shoulders.
He also looked… happier.
"Oh, hey Gon."
That was the reunion… that was it.
Killua was here on a desperate mission. He needed to go somewhere, and needed someone to watch after Alluka. Mito was the only trustworthy person he knew of… so he didn't know what else to do but to come here.
It was about Kurapika.
The Black Whale had crashed against the shores of the Dark Continent, missing its desired destination by a long shot. Hundreds of thousands of people were stranded, or at least the ones who had survived anyway… Kurapika was trapped alone and unprepared on the most dangerous and unfriendly frontier in existence, with a very important baby to look after.
He'd sent out a single distress signal. A fleeting cry for help to the only person in the outside world he knew he could trust… Killua.
Killua was going to the Dark Continent to get Kurapika and any other survivors out. He had to. Leorio was… he wasn't sure about Leorio, but there was a chance. There was always a chance.
Mito agreed, obviously. She'd do anything for Killua, and Alluka was an absolute sweetheart. So it was set. Killua gave his sister a rushed hug, and turned on his heel. Rushing out the door. Mito walked up to Alluka, embracing her from behind as she waved goodbye to her beloved brother.
And just like that Killua was…
"Killua! Wait!" Gon had gasped out, shaking himself from his stupor on the stairs. He tossed his tool belt to the ground on the way out, and busted through the front door. He tore across the lawn, Killua already exploding into a blinding white light.
"Killua! Hold on!" Gon yelled, tripping over his own feet. He tumbled to the ground, but quickly rolled back to his feet.
The silver haired boy had paused, hearing Gon just in time… before he could dart away faster than the speed of lightning. Disappear again, likely never to be seen again…
Gon stumbled to a halt before his former best friend, hunched over and gasping. God, he was so out of shape. "I wanna come with you!"
"...What?"
So it was decided… after some serious persuading, at least. The Dark Continent was dangerous, and Killua didn't want Gon to get hurt. But he had to come. He had to save Kurapika! He couldn't just… sit here anymore. He was going crazy. He needed to do something worthwhile. He'd gotten a taste of adventure, and now he needed it back.
He needed… Killua back.
But he could never admit that.
Not after everything he'd done.
So Gon found himself on the Dark Continent. Once again traveling at Killua's side. Only this time with much higher stakes and more danger than he could have ever imagined.
How long had it been?
How many months had passed since they'd touched shore?
Gon didn't know. Time on the Dark Continent… passed differently. Sometimes it dragged by, but other times it slipped between your fingers no matter how hard you clung. Kurapika's trail was faint… and near impossible to keep up with, near impossible to follow in general.
But one thing was clear, the survivors had gone inland. Far, far inland.
And Gon and Killua needed to catch up if they wanted to save them.
So here they were… dodging monsters at every turn. Cautiously navigating dangerous terrain. Clinging to the jumbled pages of a book, saturated by the mad scribblings of a man who was far too gone to be considered human anymore.
And Gon was nothing more than dead weight.
He'd come along knowing that he'd be completely useless, but unable to sit back while Kurapika was in danger… sit back while Killua threw himself into the jaws of certain death all by himself.
Killua was considered one of the most powerful Hunters in existence. With his Godspeed and his assassination skills, he was a force of nature. He navigated the Dark Continent like it was an RPG, defeating every obstacle that crossed their paths.
Gon on the other hand… his Nen was gone. He was wildly out of shape, and he was incapable of believing that any of this was actually happening. That he was here - on the Dark Continent, for starters - but also that Killua was here. With him. They were back together.
Only problem was, again, Gon was nothing more than dead weight.
He could still fight, sure… with his bare hands, and a stick if he got lucky.
But that wasn't nearly enough to survive on the Dark Continent.
It was the Dark Continent, for fuck's sake!
Killua did all the fighting, and Gon did a whole lot of nothing. Killua would fight the monsters while Gon cowered behind him. Killua would activate Godspeed and slay his enemies like a god of lightning himself, worthy of all the worship to ever be mustered. All the while dragging Gon around, pulling him out of danger. Scooping him up like some damsel in distress, lugging him around like the dead weight that he was.
He was nothing more than Killua's side kick… worse than that, actually.
He was like some awful cliche. Nothing more than a useless companion, only there to highlight Killua's strength and heroism. He'd get in the way, fall into trouble without meaning to. He couldn't sense Nen, so he was essentially blind around here.
Where had the days gone when Gon had been Killua's partner in battle? His equal and his wingman? Gone. Gone with the wind, gone with Gon's Nen and the cries of a heartbroken boy.
Killua had saved Gon's life after he'd thrown it all away… and here he was, saving Gon again and again. All with a smile on his face. He'd grin and laugh, poking fun at Gon for whatever he'd gotten them into this time. Whatever he'd failed to see. Failed to evade.
He'd carry Gon around. On his shoulders. In his arms. Slung across his back.
It wasn't embrassassing, it was just…
Gon was all too aware of what he brought to the table, which was absolutely nothing.
Killua probably would have already saved Kurapika by now if he wasn't here dragging him down… why had Gon even demanded to come along in the first place? Out of selfishness? Was this really for Kurapika? Was it really for Killua? Clearly not, because Killua was inconvenienced by all this, if anything.
No, this was really for Gon.
For his own insecurities. To get him out of his own mind. To spoil himself… grace himself with Killua's presence. With Killua in general. Gon had missed him like crazy… even that first day that he'd woken up in the hospital, even then he'd turn to his side to say something… only to find Killua gone. That space empty.
It was like… having his heart ripped out of his chest.
How much had Killua meant to him?
How much did he still mean to him?
Everything, that's what.
He'd just been a stupid selfish kid. Too absorbed in his own little world to be grateful for what he had, for who he had. Being back on Whale Island… even though he'd been surrounded by his family and his people… it was just so incredibly lonely.
He was still in loose contact with Killua, but that was just through a screen.
It wasn't even over the phone… Gon didn't hear Killua's voice for three years before he just turned up out of the blue. And his voice was different, it was deeper. Rumbly. Elegant. Dare he say attractive…
Whenever Killua spoke, Gon couldn't help but feel sad. Sad about how much that voice had changed. Sad that he'd been imagining Killua's preeteen voice whispering into his ear at night… not this older, grown up one.
Gon had missed that change… he'd been unable to experience Killua as he'd grown and changed, because he'd pushed Killua away. Because he'd lost him. They were back together now, and it was just like it always had been…
But still.
It just wasn't the same. Gon wasn't the same. The only thing, the only person preventing them from just hitting resume on what they'd once had was Gon. He'd been the one to hit pause, and now he was the one keeping them suspended in time. Still moving forward but moving forward slower. The feed glitchy. The signal interrupted and poor.
And it was… it was more than that.
Gon was… he was just a total mess!
For three years he'd had Killua ripped away from him… he'd been addicted to that voice, to those eyes, without ever knowing it. He hadn't realized how empty he was without them until they were already gone, and suddenly Gon was dealing with an awful rehab. Only he didn't want to recover. He wanted to fall right back into Killua, never to come up for air again.
Because Gon was a lovesick disaster, head over heels for his best friend without ever having been aware of it. Really, how stupid had he been as a child?
All those little moments, rare as they were, but meaningful as ever? Gazing into Killua's eyes, constantly thinking about how thankful he was for Killua, how Killua was his best friend ever and he just wanted to show him off?
Constantly praising him?
Jumping at any opportunity to hold his hand?
Talk to him?
Compete? Trying to prove himself?
Stupid. So incredibly stupid.
Then he'd gotten lost in his revenge… and forgotten exactly what he was there to do. He wasn't there to avenge Kite, he was there to find Ging. He was there to show Ging the amazing person he'd found, he was there to… just to be with Killua. Because that's what it had all turned into in the end.
When he'd woken up at that hospital… he'd just wanted to find Killua.
When he'd found him and given that sorry excuse for an apology… he'd just wanted to go back to how it had been. So they'd traveled to the World Tree together… finally finishing their journey. They'd sworn to travel together until they found Gon's dad. Until Killua found his purpose.
Now they'd accomplished both of those things.
And it had been time to split up.
Killua had… said it himself.
It was time for him to go…
He'd see Gon later.
They'd always be friends!
But… maybe… Gon didn't want to just part as just friends. Maybe… he didn't want… to say goodbye like this. Waking up in that hospital… finally being clear headed enough to think everything through, he'd remembered everything that had happened. And he'd been so incredibly grateful to Killua.
To Killua for saving him like that…
For showing up at the end… even if Gon had been too selfish to give him the ending he desired.
He'd been so stupid back then. Brushing it off as just himself being sad about them splitting up. Idiotic kid Gon, why hadn't he seen it then? If he had… would he have been able to convince Killua to stay? No, probably not. If anything, that probably would have chased Killua away even further.
Who wanted to be followed around by a best friend who was in love with you?
Stupid.
Gon was so incredibly stupid.
Didn't he see that he didn't deserve Killua? Didn't he see that Killua deserved better? Better than him? Just look at him right now! Standing on the edge of a cliff, a pit of man eating plants waiting at the bottom. He was supposed to be running for his damned life right now! Not daydreaming about his best friend!
"Gon! Why'd you stop?!" Killua yelled up to him, kicking their latest ginormous enemy in the face.
"There's Venus Demon Traps again!" Gon called back, stepping away from the edge, clinging to the straps of both his and Killua's backpacks. Backpack boy. That's who Gon was. Killua did all the important stuff… and Gon carried the backpacks.
The least he could do was read his relative's crazy map, but Gon was too damn stupid to desipher it. So of course that was left up to Killua as well.
"Seriously?!" Killua complained, summoning a bolt of lightning from the sky, frying their enemy. "Fuck this place, seriously. Fuck it all."
Gon whimpered a dramatic sigh to himself as he peeked back over the edge. No going this way. And they couldn't go the other way either, cause that's where the rest of those damned monsters were! A whole ass herd of them!
"We'll just have to go around," Killua said directly into Gon's ear, making him jump out of his skin. Gon whipped around, glaring at Killua. Face hot. He'd never get used to that, and Killua knew that and scared him on purpose.
The damned menace cracked a laugh, and scooped Gon into his arms. "Hold on, Princess," he teased before jumping from the edge and soaring out over the pit full of deadly plants.
Princess.
That's what Killua called Gon now.
Not "idiot," but "Princess."
Because apparently this is what princesses did, get carried around by "awesome badasses," which is what Killua referred to himself as.
Gon pouted in Killua's arms as they ping ponged across the landscape. Godspeed could cover insane amounts of ground at a time, and it was the only reason they'd managed to make it so far inland.
"Let's go to that rock formation over there, kay?" Killua called out, his voice sending sparks along both their bodies, shivering up Gon's spine and tickling his ears.
"You're the boss," Gon said simply. It was a joke between them… but still. Gon actually did feel that way… Killua was in charge and he was just some measly toddler, clinging to his ankles.
What kind of guy was that? Seriously? Why would Killua ever fall for a guy like him? Damn. Gon really regretted his life choices in times like these. Looking back at twelve year old him was… painful. The embarrassment was unbearable. The only honorable option was to commit suidice. Ha.
Gon could joke about that all he wanted, but that wouldn't wouldn't lessen the knowledge that he actually had tried to do it once or twice…
Three years of Nenless isolation hadn't exactly been easy.
Killua landed with a flourish, spinning Gon around before delicately placing him on his feet, kneeling before him and pretending to kiss the back of his hand. "My lady," he teased, giggling.
Gon ripped his hand back, cheeks turning red. He turned the other way, ignoring Killua's laughter as he released Godspeed.
"Damn!" the former assassin exclaimed. "That was wild!"
"That was a close call," Gon corrected, pulling Don's book back out of his backpack. It seemed that they'd swapped roles over the years… Now Killua was the grinning adventure seeker and Gon was the cautious and blushing one.
He really hated that, but anything was better than being like he'd once been…
He supposed that their swapping of roles was indication of how much they'd looked up to each other growing up, but Gon and his low self confidence found it hard to believe that Killua would model his adult personality after someone like him.
They still had aspects of their kid selves strongly embedded in their personalities. Killua would always be calm and calculating and Gon would always be stubborn and quick to jump to action, but it was clear that they'd matured quite a bit.
But even so, Gon and Killua still snapped together like two pieces of the same puzzle. It seemed that no matter what edge of the piece you flipped them too, the other always held the matching end. They could change and grow all they wanted, but the other would always remain their perfect match.
Having a best friend like Killua truly was incredible… it was like their friendship was the only thing that existed sometimes. Even camping out in this horrible wilderness, even running for their lives, Gon and Killua still managed to have fun. Just like when they'd been kids.
Gon supposed they still were kids, just… older kids. Kids that had finally seen the true nature of the world and had changed because of it. They'd been able to slip back together like nothing had ever happened… even though Gon was all too aware that everything had happened.
He'd done horrible things to Killua… yet Killua was still right here with him.
It made his heart ache… it made him long late in the night.
He loved Killua so much… he just wished he had the courage to say something.
But he wouldn't tell. Killua didn't need that. And Gon certainly didn't deserve it.
So things continued as usual on their Dark Continent adventure. They traveled by day, attempted to sleep by night. They curled up by the fire, Gon always managing to spoon himself up against Killua in his sleep. The former assassin didn't seem to mind, welcomed it even.
Sometimes when it would be just like this… cuddling together under their blankets, hiding from the cold of the night… Gon could pretend that they were more than just best friends. That they were closer than this still. For Gon would always want more of Killua, that was just the way of things. He'd take and take and take, unable to stop himself.
And Killua would always give and give and give… just as Gon feared he would.
Killua was too selfless… he should prioritize himself, not Gon.
And that's exactly what Gon cried into his face one day, sun setting against the horizon with Gon and Killua perched in the branches of an enormous tree. They'd run across a particularly horrifying monster. It was a moth creature, carnivorous and powerful as ever. Killua had been struggling to fight it, but it had just kept targeting Gon.
Killua would jump before Gon, taking each and every hit. Bleeding all over, putting himself in a constant state of pain. All the while Gon remained unscathed. Helpless as Killua threw his life away for him.
It had been so horrible to watch… the fights always were, but this one in particular. He'd been having a depressive day today, extremely down in the dumps. Ultra aware of how much Killua was forced to do for him and now little Gon was able to do in return. He'd seen Killua doing this… and finally just snapped.
Killua had carried him to the top of this tree using Godspeed, almost out of electricity, death assured if he continued fighting. The moth creature was returning, and Gon pushed Killua out of the way. "JUST LEAVE ME HERE!" he'd screamed, breaking a branch off the tree and preparing to go down with a fight.
Of course, Killua hadn't taken that.
He'd pushed Gon out of harm's way again, and somehow managed to beat the moth creature by the skin of his teeth.
So now here they sat… Gon patching Killua's wounds. Wounds that he'd only gotten because Gon was a sack of dead weight.
"You should have just left," Gon mumbled, ripping the end of the bandage off the roll.
"What are you talking about?" Killua asked.
Gon stuffed his medical supplies back into his backpack, unable to look Killua in the eye. "I'm nothing more than dead weight. You almost died back there, you should have left me here and escaped."
"Are you kidding me?" Killua snapped. "I could never do that to you!"
Gon's heart twinged. He was so useless! "You're too selfless!" Gon yelled all of a sudden. "You should prioritize yourself, not me!"
"What kind of horse shit is this?!" Killua yelled right back. Gon slipped the backpack onto his back and walked down the branch, passing Killua and approaching the trunk. "Hey, where do you think you're going?"
"Where I should have gone a long time ago," Gon ground out. "I never should have come here. I'm doing nothing but holding you back. You're better off without me."
Killua stood up with a snarl, snatching Gon's shoulder and whipping him around. "Where the fuck is all this crap coming from, Gon? You're not dead weight!"
"Yes I am!" Gon exclaimed, starting to cry. Dammit. Why was he so weak?! Why'd he just thrown all his strength away? He was laughable. Pitiable.
"Since when, huh?" Killua shot back, poking Gon in the chest. "When have you ever been dead weight?!"
"My whole damn life! My Nen is gone, Killua! I'm of no use to you! You do all the fighting, and all I do is just freaking sit here! You have to lug me around all the time, and I serve no use to you at all!"
"Well maybe I wanna carry you around!"
"That's not true! Stop forcing yourself to accommodate for me! You should get to live your own life for once!"
"Dammit, Gon! I am living my own life! I have been for years now, and I wouldn't have been able to if it hadn't been for you! I owe you everything! So quit talking like you aren't worth shit! It doesn't matter if you don't have any Nen! It doesn't matter if I have to fight for you, I wanna fight for you! I know you wanna be here to save Kurapika, and I wanna help you do that!"
"But you always help me! You always help me and forget about yourself! I hate to see you do that, I hate to see you in pain. It's all because of me."
Killua growled, rubbing his hands across his face. He grabbed Gon by the shoulders. "I'm not suffering because of you! I'm happy because of you! Stop saying shit like that! How do you think it feels when I hear you talk like that?! Since when have you been the type of person to talk like that about yourself?!"
"Since I ruined your life!" Gon cried out, angry tears slipping down his cheeks. He looked so weak right now and he hated it. "I threw everything away without thinking of you at all! I split us up! I ruined everything!"
"You're still down about that?!" Killua asked, sounding genuinely confused. "I forgave you for that shit three yeras ago! Don't you fucking remember?!"
"That wasn't an acceptable apology!" Gon retorted, insulted that Killua would accept such a sorry excuse for a "sorry." Cause that's all it had been! Just a "sorry Killua." Urgh! Gon was so stupid! Killua meant so much more than that! He deserved so much more than that! And here Gon was, still hanging off of him and forcing him to sacrifice himself for Gon's sake.
"Who the hell are you to decide what apologies I can and cannot take?" Killua hissed. "Wake the fuck up!" he ordered, flicking Gon roughly in the forehead. "All that is behind us now, and has been for a long assed time! Maybe we needed a few years to reset, but everything's okay now! We're back how we used to be, and we've fixed everything that went wrong. Ya wanna know something? I'm the one who was dead weight back then! I'm the one who was hanging off of you! But it wasn't because of real reasons, it was because I was too damn weak to fight for myself. So please, just let me make this up to you. Let me repay my debt!"
"You don't owe me anything Killua, you shouldn't have to owe me things!" Gon sobbed, hands balled into fists. "That's so wrong! You deserve so much more than that!"
"Well so do you!" Killua choked out, tears gathering in his eyes. "If I had just gotten there sooner than you wouldn't have–"
With a snarl, Gon threw Killua to the ground and pinned him down. He sat on Killua's waist and yelled into his face, "No! Stop taking responsibility for my actions! What happened in the NGL was because of me, not you! This is exactly why my apology wasn't a fucking apology! We never resolved any of that, and we're just moving on like it never happened! Stop blaming yourself, Killua! I'm the one who's at fault here!"
Killua gritted his teeth, tears spilling forth. "I'll always take responsibility for you."
"Why?! Fucking why?! Since when do I deserve it?!"
Killua sat up, latching onto Gon's shirt and headbutting him. "It's cause I love you, you idiot!" he screamed into Gon's face. "I'll wanna be there for you and clean up your mess because I fucking love you, okay?! And I'll do it again! A million times over! Cause you deserve everything, you hear me?! So stop joking about you dying and stop talking about you being worthless! Cause you're everything to me, and just because you don't have your Nen doesn't mean you're any less of a person."
A smile crossed Killua's face, and his eyes turned watery and soft.
"You saved me, okay? I didn't know what true living was until I met you. So please, stay with me. I want you here with me on this journey. This place is insane, man. Don't measure your own strength against this crazy world. You're still amazing, Gon. You don't need superhuman strength to prove that."
Gon just sat there, jaw dropped. Completely frozen. "What?" he whispered.
"Tch," Killua grumbled. "I'm not saying all of that again!"
"Did you say that you…"
Killua's face flushed. For the first time in forever… looking like that adorable little boy that Gon had fallen in love with. "Uh–"
Gon grabbed onto Killua's face, and kissed him hard on the mouth. Killua squeaked against his lips, and his body went completely rigid. Gon found himself grinning against Killua's mouth, and leaned back. It didn't matter how big and strong and confident he got, but he was still Killua.
"I love you," Gon declared, staring dead into those sapphire eyes.
Killua gasped, and his eyes turned wide, looking almost terrified. Then he started crying, and crushed himself against Gon's chest. "I… didn't think this was possible."
Gon hugged Killua tight against his chest, burying his face in that fluffy white hair. "I've loved you since we were like, twelve. I'm sorry I– I'm sorry I was too damn stupid to figure it out."
Killua smacked him in the arm, looking back up at him, tears in his eyes but his face so incredibly happy that Gon just completely melted. "Yeah, no shit! I've liked you since the damn hunter exam, why couldn't you have just fucking said something?!"
Gon found himself laughing uncontrollably, "I'm so happy right now."
"Yeah," Killua murmured, pushing Gon onto his back and hovering over him. "Same here." He leaned down, and kissed Gon again.
The kiss was slow and caring, and Gon sighed against Killua's mouth. His lips were so soft, just like everything about him. Gon threaded his fingers through Killua's fluffy hair, it was just as silky as it looked. He'd dreamed of this moment so many times in his head, but he never could have imagined that it would actually be real.
Killua loved him back. Killua was in love with him too. Killua had liked Gon for just as long. It was crazy, Gon had always felt like Killua and him just fit, but this just convinced him of something even more. They were soulmates, meant to be together forever.
It was so incredibly sappy, but Gon was just a romantic he supposed.
Nothing could pull him away from Killua.
Now that he had him, he was never letting go.
Killua broke the kiss, leaning back. He sat suspended over Gon, eyes heavy lidded as he watched him catch his breath. "So, you'll stay with me now?"
Gon nodded, giving Killua a loving smile. "Yeah, always."
"No running away or making yourself sad?"
Gon nodded again.
"You'll let me fight for you?"
Gon frowned.
"Thought so," Killua chuckled to himself. "It's okay. We'll get your Nen back somehow."
Gon gasped. "Really?"
"Sure. We're in the Dark Continent anyways. There must be some way to get it back. Since you're clearly incapable of living without it~"
Gon pouted, and flicked Killua on the nose. "Hey! I can live just fine without my Nen! I just… miss being able to go into battle with you."
Killua visibly melted, dropping down and laying flush against Gon. "You're so cute," he sighed, the sweetest smile on his face. "I feel the same way."
Gon rested his hands on Killua's back. "Hey… can I ask you something?"
"You can ask me anything."
"Are you… sure that taking care of me isn't annoying? How are you not… sick of me by now."
Killua sat back up, leaning on his elbows over Gon. "Taking care of you will never be annoying. I like taking care of people. I like having people there to protect. When we were kids… it was always you helping me. You were always the one pulling me out of my own head, and I was just following you everywhere you decided we should go. I don't think we should continue anything like that, we should both have a say in what's going on… so, that's why I like what we have now. We're a team, Gon."
"But… I bring literally nothing to the table."
Killua's brows drew together. Gon turned his head, looking off to the side. Now that all the excitement of it was over… Gon was just back to feeling depressed again. Sure, Killua was in love with him, but why? And how? It was so impossible to believe. Killua should love someone else… someone better… someone who wasn't Gon.
"Gon, you make me happy. That's what you bring to the table."
Tears welled up in the tan skinned boy's eyes. "But… why," he whispered. "I don't understand. I hurt you so much in the past."
Killua gently turned Gon's head back to meet his gaze. "Maybe so, but I hurt you too. I placed you on an emotional pedestal, that was my fault. I depended on you way too much… and I let you just go on believing that Kite was alive all those months… even though I was the only one who could make you see the truth. That's why… I'm sorry too."
Gon tentatively reached his hand up and cupped Killua's face. His skin was so soft. This didn't feel real. This was too incredible to possibly be real… it was insane that this was Gon's reality. "I don't blame you for any of that."
Killua gave Gon a reassuring smile, leaning into his touch. "See? Do you understand how I feel now?"
"Somewhat," Gon answered, giving a weak smile in return.
Killua pouted. "What can I do to make you believe you're worth something?"
Gon looked off to the side again, his eyes growing unfocused. That was a hard question to answer. In reality, there was nothing anyone else could do. It was all Gon. It was all in his own mind. All the depression. All the insecurities. Those dark thoughts that told him the world would be better off without him in it…
"I… I'm not sure anything can be done," Gon mumbled, feeling weak and stupid once again. Killua just wanted to help him, and here he sat. Completely inconsolable. He was so weak. So incredibly weak.
"What's wrong?" Killua asked, tracing his fingers along Gon's cheekbones and the arches of his eyebrows. "I can tell something is bothering you. You have this sad look in your eyes. I don't like it. Let me help you."
Gon sighed. "How are you so happy all the time? You have so much light that there's even some to spare for me… you're incredible."
Killua chuckled and leaned back down, kissing Gon softly in between his eyes.
Gon blinked, face flushing a deep scarlett. Killua was so… tender.
"I'm happy because I have you here with me," the former assassin answered softly, slipping his fingers through Gon's hair, brushing out the tangles and leaves. "Believe it or not, but I was actually real down in the dumps after we split up too. But with Alluka there, and in distancing myself from the mental complex I'd built up around you, I was able to mentally heal. I was able to remove all of the negative emotions towards myself that surrounded my feelings for you. I accepted you for you, and loved you for who you are. But in doing so, I also did the same for me. And I accepted the fact that I deserved your love just as much as you deserved mine."
"How do you sound so wise?"
"It's cause I'm a natural genius~ I'm always right, you just have to learn to accept it."
Gon chuckled, shaking Killua up and down with his rumbling laughter. He threaded his fingers through Killua's hair, mirroring the other boy's movements. "It's true, you are a whole lot smarter than me."
"Hey, don't put yourself down like that," Killua gently scolded, giving Gon's hair a little tug as punishment. "Don't compare yourself to me, and don't let yourself feel guilty or weak for feeling the way you do."
Gon winced. Killua had read his mind exactly.
The assassin raised a thin brow. "See, I told you I'd been through the same situation. "Mental health is a serious thing. I know you're feeling super down right now, but you can't let it take you down. I know you feel really guilty about feeling like a burden, but trust me when I say that you aren't a burden. If anything, it's a privilege to me, having you by my side through all this. I really missed you, and having you here with me makes me so happy… especially now that I know you love me back. So whenever you see me being really happy, just know that my happiness is all because of you. You're not useless, Gon. Far from it."
"But–"
"-Is my happiness really not a good enough reason for you to keep on living?!"
"What?! No! You're happiness is really important and it's not like I'm gonna kill myself or anything–"
Killua's eyes turned heartbreakingly sad, making Gon trail off. "I'm worried about you. Don't try to act like you won't do anything stupid. Back at the NGL, you tried to kill yourself after you killed Pitou."
Gon recoiled, he hated thinking about that.
Killua pressed himself closer, making any thoughts of escape futile. He kept Gon pinned down, locked into the conversation no matter how hard he could try to worm his way out. "I know you don't like to talk or think about it. But I'm seriously worried about you. Seeing you get like that… like this? It hurts. I wanna help you any way I can. Just tell me how, and I can do it."
Gon sniffled, Killua was being so sweet. "I– You've already done everything you ever could for me! Just you returning my feelings is enough. I'll remember what you told me, I'll take your advice! I'll listen to you this time, I swear!"
Killua softly grinned. "Good! I'm glad to hear you're open to creative criticism these days. But don't rush yourself. It's okay if getting better takes a while. Just, if you're having a bad day? Tell me. I'll do my best to make it better."
Gon smiled back, a true smile this time. Unstrained and natural. "I was having a bad day today, but you made it better than you could ever know. I love you, Killua."
The silver haired boy leaned back down, squeezing Gon tightly. "I love you too."
The two boys sat up, Killua climbing off. Gon felt a little cold without Killua's body completely covering him, but he supposed that now they were… "Are we more than friends?" Gon blurted.
"Well, uh, yeah." Killua answered, cheeks heating up.
He really was so cute.
"Yay! That makes me happy!" Gon cheered, wrapping Killua up in yet another hug.
"And you make me happy," Killua sighed into Gon's ear. He moved back in front of Gon, and pulled him in for another kiss. It was no more than a soft peck against his lips, but Gon found himself melting into Killua's embrace once again.
They still had a lot of work to do… they were in the Dark Continent, with danger around every corner. Gon still had healing to do, and now this new goal of restoring his Nen. There was a lot of ground to cover, but now that he'd shared his feelings with Killua and Killua had reciprocated them… Gon knew that everything was going to get a whole lot better.
Watching Killua fight for him wouldn't be any easier, but that was just something Gon would have to fix. He'd get his Nen back, and he'd rise back to where he'd been at Killua's side… in a sense of physical strength, at least.
But in reality? Gon was already as close to Killua's side as he could possibly get.
And Killua wanted him there. Accepted him for all his flaws and insecurities. Even though they were in the midst of all this mess, the world seemed to be righting itself again. As Gon fell asleep against Killua's chest, losing himself in the warmth of his loved one's embrace, Gon felt more grateful than ever.
That he meant enough for Killua to fight for.