Slitheen Inc.
As the Tory-induced Cost-of-Living Crisis raged long and hard between 2022-2023, millions of ordinary Brits felt the squeeze. Many parents had to undergo the unfortunate choice of deciding between heating and eating. Others had to skip meals in order to feed their young. It was clear that the ruling elites, the infamous 1%, were no longer invested in the UK and its peoples. The clock had been rolled back on everything; progression swapped for regression. The poor suffered immensely and quite oftentimes alone, whilst the minority powerful and wealthy, mostly white but allowing a few non-whites to sit at their table and do their bidding, dined and wined together in their mansions and estate homes, laughing at the misery of their fellow citizens, including the white working class they deliberately left behind to fight with the non-whites who were always supposed to be left behind from the beginning. Britain was deliberately divided along every line possible to conceive.
Emma Mawby had just finished a degree in journalism during this critical moment in British history. However, as the economy entered a recession and inflation skyrocketed to unprecedented levels, Emma was unable to pursue her long-vaunted career as an intrepid journalist. Instead, she had to work part-time in various job roles on zero-hour contracts, helping out her ailing mother who worked three jobs just to make ends meet. Aged twenty two, the pale-skinned young white woman had jet black hair and a fine visage. Her body though looked extremely thin - anorexic, most - as she could not eat proper meals nor gain adequate amounts of nutrition necessary for proper, sustainable growth that every human was technically entitled to per human rights. But the Tories, of course, withdrew Britain from all human rights conventions, citing the "mandate" of Brexit to reenact the "will of the people '' and secure British "sovereignty". Britain, in effect, became a Fascist State without declaring itself to be so. Yet strangely, most Brits, at least the well, did not seem to give this much thought: the country that prided itself on supposedly fighting facism during the Second World War now seemed to be beholden to the ways of Hitler and Mussolini.
After her mother had tragically died of stress and overexhaustion from her three jobs and countless night shifts that blurred the lines between work/rest and day/night, there was nobody else left to pool resources with; it was everyone for themselves, the rule of the jungle in full force. Unfortunately, Emma could not find the money for paying rent over the coming months and the ruthless police enforcers booted her out without empathy after an eviction notice expired. Now living out on the streets, feeling abandoned by the selfish citizens around her who made up the UK, Emma was resigned to her destitution; joining the long cues at one of the many food banks that had sprung all over Britain during the past decade was pointless as the young graduate lacked the means to properly cook the paltry amounts of freebies granted.
The late winter that slid into 2023 was bitterly cold and miserably wet. One windy evening, Emma found herself just about to sleep rough again underneath a bridge before an unannounced 'visitor' suddenly appeared, eager to stand suspiciously close to the vagabond.
"Hello there!" she said rather cheerfully. Emma looked up. It was another white woman, in her early thirties and dressed in a massive trench coat. But that did not reassure her. Whiteness had failed Emma, and so many other Brits. But in the absence of Whiteness, there was a void and as yet, nothing managed to fill it.
"Go away…" Emma said, irritated. She was starving but preferred to suffer in silence. After all, what would this woman, immaculately dressed and looking pretty affluent, be able to offer her?
"Now, now - I am sure you still have manners despite your state of poverty. My name is Victoria Morgan, Vicky for short. I have come to help you." the woman announced herself and her intentions. But rather than inspire any hope, Emma became even more incensed.
"Help me? You?..Why would you be interested in doing that? Who are you? Who do you work for?" Emma asked wildly, perplexed at the appearance of this strange lady.
"As I said, I'm Vicky. I work for a company called Slitheen Inc. as one of their most senior consultants…Here, take this card… We offer a variety of services and products to our customers. We realised that so many people are being forced into poverty and, you know, it's just not right. It's unjust and cruel. We are supposed to be a united society with
"How did you know that I was in poverty?" Emma inquired as she stopped looking at the calling card and back towards Vicky. The calling card had the name of the company and peculiarly, an image of what was certainly alien. A large head with black beady eyes and massive fat cheeks all covered in green. Strange.
"Well, erm, my company works with the government and local councils…we try to get the homeless off the streets, back into job life and reintegrate into society once again. We have access to local records… your petty criminal offending record has increased lately" Vicky revealed to Emma of her recent unsavoury activities.
"Bloody Samaritans, eh? But why me, specifically?"
"My bosses are very open-minded individuals. They have a vision for this country and this planet, unlike the Bloody Tories! And that vision has a space for you and everyone else who is in need of assistance. As a senior consultant, it's my job to recruit. So I would like to extend this opportunity to invite you to join our business." Vicky finished explaining. She hoped by now that the young homeless woman had become compelled to join. Emma had nothing to lose and perhaps all to gain. So she voluntarily came with Vicky to Slitheen Inc. offices somewhere in Central London. It was in fact one office with a few conference rooms located at the top end of the many skyscrapers gracing London's skyline. Not too shabby but equally nothing fancy.
"Wait here, heat yourself up and help yourself to all the refreshments we have. I'll go get my boss and then we'll get you sorted out, okay?" Vicky said to her counterpart as they arrived at the office. Emma sat on a chair nearby whilst she patiently awaited to meet the bosses running Slitheen Inc. Watching her new acquaintance briefly overhead what Vicky said to her boss:
"Yeah, I've found another one… outside work hours…I get a commission for that right…erm, she's right outside…okay…I'll introduce you…let's go…"
Emma automatically sprang to her feet as soon as he saw Vicky exit the nearby office, this time with her boss beside her - Amanda Houghton. A tall, busty and well-proportioned white female blonde around six foot two, Amanda was dressed in an immaculate grey business suit. She said nothing but merely smiled consistently at Emma whilst Vicky resumed speaking.
"Emma, this is my boss, Amanda. Amanda, this is Emma Mawby. I have just met her this evening but already I think she is a great fit for our company." Vicky said, speaking of Emma in such glowing terms. It made the poor woman feel happy momentarily. It looked like somebody cared about her at long last.
"Pleasure to meet you." Emma said, stretching out a handshake to demonstrate friendliness. Amanda, still smiling, happily struck her hand and the two embraced in hard contact for a strong moment.
"Lovely. It's so nice to see another hu- ahem, person seeking to join our ranks. We know that times are tough for most people so my company has been set up purposefully to help young individuals such as yourself to pick yourself up and go and live the life that you want!"
"That sounds fantastic!... So what does your company do again?" Emma asked, once more puzzled by what this business actually did. Vicky was very vague previously with her statement of "services and products".
"Oh, we do a lot. Our business is expanding day by day. We are growth fanatics! More growth means more business means more profits which can be invested into this economy. That will help this country return to 'normal' again and help people stave off poverty." Amanda appeared to have answered her counterpart's query.
"But you have not answered my question?" Emma replied, still puzzled. Amanda was speaking like a Tory politician, constantly spouting nonsense and hoping the audience would not bother to investigate her speech thoroughly.
"Hmm…You would make an excellent glamour model by Stage Two…yes, glamour modelling. We offer lots in that department. Would you be up for that?" Amanda asked, eyeing up Emma's thin self with her eyes.
"Glamour modelling? Me? I mean, look at me - I don't think my stick body is up for the task." Emma commented of herself in such insecure and disparaging terms.
"Not to worry. Vicky and I will make sure your body is in tip top condition." Amanda replied with a smile. Emma started to feel discomfort every time that smile reappeared, it was unsettling.
"I don't know…"
"Then I am afraid we don't have anything else to offer you then. Vicky, please show young Miss Mawby the exit door." Amanda said rather ruthlessly. Quite like a Tory politician. She then turned to face the opposite direction.
"Wait!" shouted Emma suddenly as Vicky tugged her arm to signal movement. Amanda turned around, a massive grin appearing on her face. She knew that Emma had no choice but to accept, however ridiculous the job proposition appeared to be.
"Excellent. Vicky, sort Emma out and get her signed up at once. Business is booming for Slitheen Inc. and I have other pressing matters to attend…prrrrp! Blimey! That one was trapped in my left ass cheek for a while. Better out than in, eh?….prrrrrrrp!" Amanda farted again before she gestured to take her leave. Eventually, she disappeared out of sight, apparently leaving the building via the lifts.
"Erm, is that normal?" Emma asked, disturbed by how uncomfortable Amanda easily disregarded British taboos about farting publically.
"No, not really. But she's always been like this since I started working here. You get used to it, I guess. Anyways, let's get you signed up and running with our business.". Vicky handed Emma a ready-made contract document outlying all the conditions to be met for employment.
"Zero-hours again?! No way, I'm not doing that again. That's why I was out on the streets in the first place." Emma said defiantly as she carefully read through the contract offer.
"Don't worry; it's zero hours but we have so much work going on at the minute. So many people have joined and achieved permanent roles within a few months, I promise you. For the first two months, you don't even actually have to do anything other than drink the bottles we send you. You get a free company bank card with a weekly stipend of £1000 coming in." Vicky announced. Usually, this swayed many new recruits into getting hooked on the offer.
"£1000?! What, seriously? For doing nothing? I don't believe it." Emma said sceptically.
"Tax-free as well. Amanda is a billionaire. But strangely very generous. That's Stage One. Stage Two, once you reach it, will require you to perform more proactive roles such as setting up and promoting our company." Vicky revealed.
"You will need to take these bottles. Make sure you drink them regularly. It's company policy." Vicky handed over a sample. Emma read out the name on the front: L-U-T-I-V-E-N.
"Lutiven? Never heard of this."
"It's new. And exclusive. Only available to employees. You have to drink it if you want to get your wage."
"Alright then. Not saying no to free money."
"Now Emma, if you could just sign here…there…perfect. Welcome to the family!" Vicky exclaimed before the two celebrated with laughter. Emma was now back in some form of employment and the company already seemed like a nice place to work. Nothing sinister. At that moment, a rather fat black male arrived. He had an enormous figure, and his smart business attire was struggling to hold everything together.
"Ahhh, we have a new recruit to the family." he said delightfully, genuinely happy to see Emma sign up.
"Hold on, love…prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp! Prrrp!" Harold began to unleash flatulence without reticence.
"I really should lay off those beans and cabbage…" he said aloud to himself before disappearing into Amanda's offices.
"Who was that?" Emma asked.
"Harold. Harold Wilson. Amanda's husband and the other boss running this organisation."
"Does he always do that?"
"Yeah, erm, he farts too. Fucking weirdo, actually, Its a mercy if he fails to notice you. I can't stand his stench…Anyways, we are done here. Time to get you a place to stay tonight. Our company offers rent-free council estate housing to all of our employees so I assume you wish to be staying in such a setting for the next few months whilst we help you get back on your feet?"
"I'm not going to say no to anything free." Emma replied unabashedly. She had to seize all of her opportunities coming her way like passing clouds. Vicky and Emma left the premises together, chatting about other affairs that concerned them. Meanwhile, in the offices, Harold Wilson watched Emma and Vicky enter a black taxi cab that whisked the duo away to another end of London from the windows of the skyscraper. He heard the sound of someone approaching him from behind.
"Left Amanda behind somewhere again?" he simply said aloud. The being that approached Harold was all green, large and exceptionally tall.
"I need to be naked from time to time." it replied, raising a long forearm complete with magnificent razor sharp claws and placing over Harold's flabby neck. The duo watched human nightlife on Earth together.
"Such a primitive bunch, humans. The ones who live in this country deem themselves 'civilised' but they are far too domesticated, especially the white ones. They are totally unwilling to rise up and kill their abusive masters. Impotent beings! Look at all those humans struggling to survive just this evening alone, outside on the streets reduced to begging and stealing. Pitiful. That is not how a family should be treating one another." Harold bemoaned the state of humanity in the UK, genuinely pissed at how the rich and powerful were trampling over the weak and downtrodden. Slitheen Inc. were definitely going to intervene.
"That's where we come in, dear. This planet needs de-civilising. Civilisation is so domesticating; I cannot release my gas exchange without a human inevitably questioning my right to do so. Our job will be to liberate humanity. From itself. For its own good." the mysterious green being added.
"Indeed…prrrrp!." Harold affirmed before the duo burst into laughter at their intentions.
(As Time Passed)
For the next two months, Emma did nothing other than drink daily the bottles her employer sent her and indulge herself with her new found income. Suddenly, she found herself dining at posh, five star restaurants, wearing exclusive designwear, buying up properties and so much more. Poverty immediately became a distant memory to her. But interestingly enough, she did not bother to spend even a single penny on helping anyone else who was still suffering from poverty and the cost-of-living crisis. Rather than learning humility, Emma became exceedingly vain, arrogant and narcissistic, like her ruling Tory Masters. She did not seek to replace them with something better but merely subscribed to the same values. Her new purchasing power granted her easier access to the Table.
Whilst she distracted herself with a firmly materialistic lifestyle change, changes were occurring in her physiology: she became taller. Her body mass increased slowly. Her sexual features - notably her breasts and buttocks, hitherto non-existent - swelled up. The bottles she kept drinking and to which she had progressively become addicted to shaped her new look to keep her proportionate. Emma now had a body that could be commodified and marketed to a wide audience. Glamour modelling now seemed an excellent vocation.
(Two Months Later)
Precisely after two months, Emma received a call from Vicky to return to the office to discuss Stage Two of her employment. Emma did as she was told.
"Ah Emma Mawby, please come into my office. I've been expecting you." Amanda Houghton greeted the enriched young adult and welcomed her into the same office she had visited two months prior. She sat down on the chair facing opposite her boss.
"Now that you are sufficiently 'prepared', you are required to set up and maintain a social media account - we strongly recommend Instagram for this - where you post pictures of whatever activity you are doing." Amanda ordered her employee.
"What's the catch?"
"No catch…but you will need to promote the bottles of Lutiven we keep sending you. Post selfies of yourself drinking them and telling your audience how good you feel. The more likes you earn, the more money you will receive on top of your guaranteed weekly income of £1000. Also, referring friends to our services will also get you bonuses." the boss added.
"Is that it?"
"Absolutely. I am paying you to practically be yourself and enjoy your life. You only live life once, right? Best to be able to enjoy it without having to worry…Prrrp! Woopsie!"
"Oh wow…yeah, sure. I can do all of this."
"Oh before you leave, I should add that we tend to find the most liked social media pages - and thus best paid - of our employees to be those where the photographer posts selfies of themselves in scantily clad clothing." Amanda announced. Slitheen Inc were fully intent on commodifying Emma to suit their business operations. Only Emma was going to exploit herself consciously and 'uncoerced'.
"You mean naked?" Emma asked, almost rhetorically.
"Showing off your natural beauty will easily get you likes, Emma. Besides, you now have the body to do it in confidence…prrrrp! The more likes, the more money!"
"You're right." Emma said, buying into the logic of materialism and vanity.
"Run along now and get to work. We'll be monitoring your activity to ensure you are complying with company policies. But don't worry; this is standard procedure." Emma proceeded to leave the office, now granted a firm mandate ti simply 'be herself' all the while promoting Lutiven.
Over the next several months, Emma did as she was told. She set up an account on Instagram - RealEmma23 - and began posting selfies upon selfies illustrating her daily activities. Lutiven was always present. It helped keep the new glamour model in pristine shape - all natural, too - whilst she continued to show off her body to the rest of the world for mere upticks in her electronic money bank balance. She would go to 'exotic' locations and show off. But it was the publication of nude pictures on an exclusive-access page that raked her in the largest pots of money.
Emma would even sometimes partner up with other employees, performing racy shoots to promote Slitheen Inc. and Lutiven to a global audience. The one-time woman stuck in penury was now earning thousands of pounds in cash for an effortless job. Soon enough, she amassed millions of followers in no time, creating desires in them to also crave after Lutiven and a materialistic lifestyle. Making lots of new 'friends', who were only really after her wealth and good looks, Emma referred them to Slitheen Inc. They signed up and after two months, began glamour modelling too. Then they repeated the exact same cycle with their new 'friends' and so on.
Thanks to the glamour models utilising their sex appeal to promote Lutiven, the drink produced exclusively by Slitheen Inc., millions of humans began to purchase bottles as soon as Amanda Houghton's business organisation began to mass produce it and make it available in the public domain. Everyone, male and female, became an addict. Their bodies likewise metamorphosed exactly like Emma's. Slitheen Inc. revenues shot through the roof and beyond. Lutiven was sold on the cheap and became the world's number one beverage. In places of droughts where water was no longer available, Slitheen Inc. flooded them with their liquid fluids.
Established celebrities and long-established businesses also signed contracts with Slitheen Inc. Amanda Houghton and Harold Wilson soon become the two Brits possessing more power individually than many governments and economies in the rest of the world combined. The business naturally expanded to those economically-inferior nations; Lutiven was promoted everywhere. Slitheen Inc was silently colonising the world, and the humans did not know it although they were happy to ensure its meteoric rise.
(Two years later)
On a quiet day at HQ when most employees were given an early day off, Slitheen Inc. now a vast global conglomerate and one of the wealthiest businesses in the world, valued at nearly £700 billion, Vicky Morgan finally grew an ethical consciousness and decided to confront her bosses about what exactly they were doing to humanity. She had been with the business from its earliest days at their tiny office. Her loyalty was rewarded with promotions and bonuses - she was now senior manager. But she was aware that Slitheen Inc. were actively colonising the planet and taking over people's lives through the consumption of Lutiven. And now she was determined to do something about it.
"Vicky, we're expecting fifty new recruits to come into our office in the next hour. Make sure they are seen by our consultants." Harold politely requested of his subordinate.
"No." Vicy replied firmly, though without much thought.
"No?" Harold was puzzled. Why was Vicky resisting his commands all of sudden?
"I mean, I need to talk to you. And Amanda. Privately."
"Very well. Let's step into my office, shall we?"
Vicky abandoned her seat and walked silently into the office, where Amanda was sitting, consuming chocolate bars and watching some human comedy TV sitcom on a plasma screen during 'work' hours.
"What seems to be the matter, Vicky?" asked Harold innocuously, standing besides his wife facing the senior manager opposite.
"I've been troubled recently." Vicky began.
"Troubled? Whatever do you mean?…prrrp!" Amanda sniffed the air near Vicky to confirm information for herself.
"Vicky, have you not been drinking your bottles of Lutiven lately?" the blonde boss said, sounding rather annoyed.
"No. I've stopped bingeing on them. It's wrong…there's something in them…I don't know what it is but you are doing something to us. To humanity."
"All we are doing is providing a service to our fellow humans. They all demand Lutiven; who are we to deny them that?" Harold asked rhetorically. He then farted wildly.
"You're lying. I have been looking at the company records on the databases. Lots of money has been moving around to suspect accounts. There is no way that a drink like Lutiven can be this addicting. And if you don't start telling me what is going on, I will have you two and this company will report to the authorities for investigation." Vicky warned, her tone sounding threatening. The bosses looked at each before returning to stare at Vicky. They burst out in laughter and flatulence amongst themselves.
"Clever girl. It took you this long to realise. You were far too busy enjoying all that money we were stuffing into your bank account and now you have grown a consciousness for your own species. How touching." mocked Harold the human condescendingly. He found humans, especially the white segment of humanity, to be hyper-materialistic and completely oblivious to reality. A crucial reason why ordinary folks were being forced to undergo a cost-of-living crisis whilst the rich elites dined and wined.
"I'm afraid you are in breach of your contract, girl. We have therefore taken our right to immediately terminate your contract and all access to any areas within Slitheen Inc." Amanda announced swiftly, speaking to Vicky in such dehumanising terms. She quickly typed some commands on her laptop. Vicky's building access card had been disabled.
"You can't keep me here! I demand to be let out." Vicky protested after she attempted to leave the office to file a complaint against Harold. But her access card no longer worked accordingly. She was effectively trapped.
"You're not going anywhere we don't want you, sweetums." Amanda said with a massive grin on her face.
"So accustomed to having things your way. Entitled brat!" Harold continued his condescending condemnations of the senior manager.
"Harold, be easy on her. She doesn't know what she's doing. It's cost her a new life quite literally…Vicky (prrrrp!)…uff, you really should have drunk your fluids…oh dear - prrrrrrp!"
Amanda and Harold burst out in hysterics as they abused the gas exchange, making the room exceptionally repugnant in smell. Vicky felt extremely discomforted. And unsafe.
"But, on the other hand, perhaps we could 'honour' you and your service to the family business. Vicky Morgan - the last human to have ever been hunted by the Slitheen family!" Amanda cackled loudly at the very thought in between her gas exchange acting up wildly.
"Silly girl. Silly human girl (prrrrp!). Happy to slave away your hours for our business but lacking the capacity to question what exactly is going on in the world. Well, at least not until the end." Harold at least credited Vicky with growing a conscience, even if it was too late.
"You have directly threatened the safety and security of our business, little girl, with your threats of disclosure to the wider human public. We are left with no choice to act in self defence… prrrrrp! Oh God, I have been dying to release that one! Now Harold, let us show poor Vicky how clueless she really is. Let us show her…reality." Amanda said before chuckling at the senior manager wildly.
"Yes, let us do that." Harold said, relishing the impromptu occasion to unzip. Vicky felt incredibly unsafe. What were they insinuating? Reaching for their foreheads, the bosses peeled back a hidden zip across their foreheads. The room went dark immediately; only a bright blue light accompanied by electric humming manifested. Vicky stood rooted on the spot paralysed by what she was witnessing - humans peeling back forehead zips and allowing something else to emerge. Amanda and Harold laughed hysterically. Unzipping always produced paralysis into anyone not familiar with the Slitheen. The would-be-victim would always watch on, sometimes in open awe, at the spectacle.
Soon enough, the duo managed to peel back their human faces: out popped their Slitheen heads with fat cheeks and beady black eyes. The imagery manifested matched the corporate logo of Slitheen Inc. Then the duo managed to push down their human skins even further, revealing their massive bellies and long forearms. Finally, the rest of the skins quickly flopped to the floor. Two large Slitheen adults, eight feet tall approximately, from Raxicorifalipatorius now stood before the human Vicky Morgan.
"We are the Slitheen!" Both announced in triumphant unison, glad to be out of their skins even if momentarily.
"Wha-what tha-the h-hell?!" Vicky struggled to blur out her exasperation.
"Yes! Yes!" the Slitheen female who posed at Amanda exclaimed, urging the human to continue her confused state.
"A-Aliens! Your aliens!" she finally managed to state the obvious.
"Ungred Sash Gul-Bul Lutiven Slitheen at your service." it said with a groggy but clearly distinguishable feminine voice.
"And this is my husband, Karlat."
"Oh it's the greatest joy in the universe, to be naked!" he proclaimed, stretching his impressive body. Vicky meanwhile stared at the floor: the dead rubber skins of the humans Amanda Houghton and Harold Wilson.
"Amanda! Harold!... You killed them!" Vicky screamed as she realised the truth. The senior manager had been working with and for aliens all this time. She felt like an absolute idiot. Outsmarted and manipulated. Not what she was used to.
"A necessary evil. They were criminals. Pure scum. A drain on humanity's capacity to do much good." the 'Harold' Slitheen spoke up with a firmly groggy voice.
"These humans were bullies. Amanda was exceptionally racist in her role as a supermarket manager, making sure that non-white asylum seekers were underpaid so they could not afford their exuberant rents and so leave their jobs for good. My skin, Harold, was a crook. Tyrannised families as the most corrupt landlord. We Slitheen did not like what we saw. So we killed them and ended the injustice." Harold/Karlat Slitheen justified the kills adroitly. Vicky was sick in her stomach at what she was hearing.
"Ahem. Personally, Karlat and I do not normally kill other creatures, especially humans who are just such adorable primitives! Seriously, we don't. Amanda and Harold were exceptions because we needed their skins to survive. But we have not killed anyone for years. Honest." Ungred interjected, attempting to reassure the human that the Slitheen weren't all bad. It did not really convince the human female much.
"So you are going to take over my planet and kill everyone who does not look like you then?!" Vicky asked, desperate to know the truth at long last.
"Actually, myself and my husband are the last two Slitheen in existence. We came to Earth separately as refugees. Unfortunately, the Slitheen family has become far too notorious across the galaxies. Too many bad behaving families doing all sorts of nasty things. Blowing up planets! Stealing energy from suns powering entire planetary sectors! Mass genocides! Horrendous stuff which I and Karlat completely disavow and condemn. Anyways, other species eventually took the decision to make the Slitheen extinct. We were hunted down across the stars, even if we were individually innocent of any wrongdoing.
I crash landed on Earth several years ago. Alone. With no family to call upon anymore. I realised that this planet was dominated by humans. But you humans, especially the whites amongst you, are very inhospitable to refugees! Especially Amanda. So I killed her and converted her into a disguise. I managed not only to escape my assassins but even hunt them down and eradicate them from existence. I still felt lonely thereafter. But, as fate would have it, that is the moment where I met 'Harold' AKA Karlat. He was trying to skin one of the asylum seekers working in the supermarket under my supervision. I caught him red handed."
"No, you didn't. You knew I was there all along." Karlat interjected with much protesting at his wife's version of events.
"Whatever the truth of the matter, I unzipped myself to Karlat and we both realised there and then that we were the last two Slitheen in existence. Everyone else; our fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, cousins, uncles - all had been hunted down and mostly vingered to a humiliating death."
"It was a horrible time. But the Supreme Being kept us two together, praise be to He. Ungred managed to find me a suitable skin - the exceptionally fat landlord Harold Wilson."
"After we formally married one another, we became resigned to our fate to live as humans for the time being. We were made even more depressed when we realised that Karlat could not produce enough sperm in our mating sessions. So I would not be able to produce offspring. After our deaths, the Slitheen would be no more…Then we decided to produce a family business plan - Slitheen Inc. and Lutiven."
"Lutiven…So you named the drink after your family name."
"Correct, human."
"And what exactly is it, Lutiven?"
"Well, if you must know; originally, it was liquid drops produced from my sweat glands especially. We mass produced it in the labs with modifications."
"Sweat? We humans have been drinking your sweat?!" Vicky could not believe it.
"Not just any sweat. Sweat produced from where my reproductive organs are located! They become exceptionally wet when I am horny" Amanda/Ungred cackled loudly, knowing full well that Vicky would promptly vomit. The human actually did so.
"Slitheen Inc. and Lutiven are crucial to our plans to repopulate parts of the universe with Slitheen again. And hunt down those who attempted to wipe us out of existence in the first place." Harold/Karlat explained. Now everything started to make sense: the Slitheen, via Lutiven, were altering the biology/physiology of humanity to reproduce themselves. Walking test tube experiments, in effect.
"Unfortunately, this is where our revealing chat has to end. Vicky, you have been a fantastic employee. But you have seen too much and know too much. Our business plan cannot be stopped by this stage. Now to be fair, we did warn you." Amanda/Ungred Slitheen concluded, readying for the inevitable hunt.
"I have reactivated your access pass. But you will not get very far, girl. Run, run as fast you can, Vicky." Karlat warned omniously as he fiddled with the computer next to his wife.
Vicky walked to the door slowly and wiped the card to grant her access to the immediate outside. It opened with a sharp swing. She then ran as fast as she could without looking back.
"Let the hunt begin!" Bellowed Ungred/Amanda Slitheen before she and her husband rapidly sought to keep pace with their victim.
"Run, run, human girl! We're coming to get you!" screamed Ungred loudly.
"I have your scent!" Karlat snarled as he took the lead over his wife and drew closer and closer to Vicky, who could barely run in her smart, 'civilised' business attire and high heels throughout the corridors of Slitheen Inc. Vicky eventually tripped over her laces. Harold/Karlat already caught up with her and proceeded to jump on top.
"Aaaaaaaaargh!" screamed Vicky before the Slitheen mauled her to death with their massive claws.
"That was delightful!" Karlat pronounced
"You do know I let you have this kill, right?" Ungred interjected to rain on the parade.
"You're just saying that. You know I am too strong to be outcompeted in a hunt!"
"Not really; you know the family code: He/She who completes the hunt, completes the skinning. Quite frankly, you saved me the extra effort. Hah!" Ungred explained. Karlat became exceptionally annoyed but he had much respect for the family code and so lived to honour it.
"I guess we cannot help ourselves. Killer predators instinctively." Ungred said as she watched her husband strip the skin from the flesh of Vicky Morgan with relative ease. Once separated, the Slitheen utilised their neck braces to remove all evidence of their hunt and zapped Vicky's skin to safe location. Candidly, they proceeded to work back to their office. Getting back inside their human skins and back to their human feet, the Slitheen quickly returned to discussing their business plan now that an immediate obstacle had been removed.
"That was a close call. We need to advance to Stage Three at once." Harold/Karlat attempted to press the agenda.
"Agreed. Have the new and improved formulas of Lutiven processed at the factories at once. Then we need to get it out into the mainstream. The rest can take care of itself." Amanda/Ungred surmised. The duo walked out of the office and promptly pressed on with advancing the business operations.
Emma Mawby was just one of millions of humans employed by Slitheen Inc. to do their bidding. Promoting their addictive drinks, the glamour models and everyone else consuming Lutiven unwittingly aided the Slitheen in helping to control humanity. Stage Three involved bio-engineering human biology to unprecedented levels…
(Six Months Later)
The drink consumption of new and improved Lutiven bottles reconfigured biology in favour of Slitheen. Humans everywhere began to grow tall with large bodies. They developed heightened senses of smell and even hunting instincts. Their skin colours all began to turn into shades of green. Rather than behave 'naturally' nastily and aggressively towards one another, humans automatically began to care and cooperate with one another to achieve mutual goodness. Wars, violence, droughts, famines, poverty and all other societal maladies gradually eased. But humans still looked 'human'. They could still carry on with their daily lives unimpeded, if not with a few adjustments.
Pressure began to mount upon Slitheen Inc. to explain themselves. Governments and officials demanded enquiries but they too were far too invested in Slitheen Inc. shares and imbing Lutiven. Amanda and Harold always kept a low profile; never conducting interviews nor mingling with their fellow 'humans'. Not even the super elites. Knowing human psychology pretty well, the duo remained silent whilst humanity remained confused and impotent at the changes it was undergoing. After much pressure, Amanda/Ungred agreed to do one short interview with a human broadcasting service to do some 'explaining'. Millions tuned in on one Wednesday evening where Amanda was interviewed by one of the world's most intrepid journalists, Zaroon Riaz.
"Amanda Houghton, you are the wealthiest individual alive on our planet, with estimates of your purchasing power to be at nearly one trillion pounds adjusted for inflation. That is insane but possible because of your company and your product, Lutiven." the interviewer began. She herself was addicted to the product and like every other human alive had grown tall and boasted a light green skin. Wearing a smart black hijab scarf, Zaroon rolled no punches as she began the probe the human public demanded.
"Firstly, I must thank you for giving me a platform to explain my business success to the world. It is an absolute pleasure. Everybody knows that Slitheen Inc. started off in one tiny office high and above in one of these soulless skyscrapers dominating human 'civilised' landscapes. We have since grown from strength to strength to become the most dominant force in this entire galaxy, never mind Earth. All through hard work and solid commitment. Capitalism does work." Amanda began already in a triumphant mood.
"And what has enabled Slitheen Inc. to become the 'most dominant force' on Earth. as you say, besides stifling Freedom of Information requests, banning media near your properties and buying out your competitors?"
"The key to our success: we see ourselves as one big Family. Everything is interdependent. No one is a lone individual in our company yet at the same time, we alloe everyone to truly express themselves as they truly air. No shame, no blame - that is our policy. And is it any surprise that our workers - numbering millions, if not billions by now, report having the highest levels of job satisfaction in life?" Amanda asked rhetorically, reversing the cannon back towards Zaroon.
"Ahem...You, and your husband, Harold Wilson, have repeatedly resisted calls for inquiries into your business conduct and ethical questions surrounding your most successful product, Lutiven. Why are you now suddenly content to speak openly?"
"That is simply not true. I, and my dearest husband, have always been willing to cooperate with relevant parties regarding our business and products. But we will not be subjected to a witch hunt; Slitheen Inc. is the most ethical company in existence. All of our revenues have been raised legitimately and we pay our tax unlike the other rich elites hiding their money offshore. Pussies! Slitheen Inc., on the other hand, has invested all of its profits back into this civilisation, helping it to grow and combat the Tory-induced cost-of-living crisis. With our input, we have managed to get millions back into work and really perform much needed services that humanity might feel they do not deserve but need nonetheless."
"The whole world will notice that your skin remains peachy white whilst everyone else's has turned light green; have you not been drinking Lutiven whilst forcing it onto the rest of humanity?"
"I am medically exempt, Zaroon. I have a rare health condition that sadly prevents me from drinking my own product."
"And what rare condition would that be?"
"It's gastric-related… You know, I cannot recall the exact scientific terminology. But I can demonstrate." Lifting her massive arse off the chair, Amanda began farting wildly on live TV.
"Prrrrrrrp!...prrrrrrrrrrrrrrp!...prrrrrrrrrrp!"
"I see…" Zaroon commented dryly in response, lifting her scarf into her nose to prevent the awful stench from reaching her nostrils to no avail.
"Now let us get to the crux of the matter: Lutiven - what on Earth is it? Medical science teams have been baffled after repeated analyses, they say it cannot possibly be of earthly origin. Are you willing to reveal where you got the strange ingredients that have made us all green and tall addicts to your productions?"
"I do not see why there has been all this commotion... If anything, Lutiven has helped to bring humanity together. Slitheen Inc. has done more within a few years tham most have achieved in centuries in bringing an end to the Race problem and healing long-standing racial issues. We have also resolved the class issue - everyone is looking out for each other more, sharing money and resources. Human males and females are treating each other with more respect and decency than ever before. Yes, you may have turned slightly green and grown a few feet but look at the positives! Migrants, refugees and asylum seekers are now happily accepted into the homes of the rich. Rich white people who ordinarily segregate themselves from the rest of humanity because they think themselves to be special gods-on-earth or something else disturbingly weird. Lutiven has helped to resolve some of the more pressing issues of our time. For that, I make no apology what has happened to humanity."
"Well, you and your husband Harold Wilson have actually been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize and a slew of other awards recognising your achievements in service of humanity."
"Precisely. Slitheen Inc. desires nothing but the best for humanity. Humans will now be able to cooperate on a scale never before witnessed in the entire history of their existence. A truly Golden Age beckons for this planet. The era of Family rule is not that far off..." Amanda continued the triumphant tone of her discourse, smiling with her immaculate shiny white teeth all the way through.
"Another aspect humans all over the Planet have noticed is that their sense of smell has increased tenfold too. Were these intended by Lutiven? Or are they simply unintended side effects?"
"I think you should simply sniff out the truth for yourself, my dear."
"You want me to start sniffing?"
"Yes, go ahead. Smell the air. Confirm reality."
Zaroon voluntarily sniffed the air vociferously upon request. She was quickly able to detect a very peculiar scent emanating from Amanda's skin. But it was not human, it was something else. Something non-human - alien. Everyone watching at home or on their electronic devices were unanimously confused as to what on Earth was going on exactly.
"Ah yes, I can sniff what you mean (giggles). Thank you for that." Zaroon said, strangely breaking professional standards and striking up a friendly rapport with the interviewed. The interviewer, secretly excited by the sniff and revelation, quickly moved on to interviewing Emma Mawby, wearing only a bikini outfit, who had agreed to accompany Amanda to this interview and help promote public relations regarding Slitheen Inc.
"Emma Mawby, you once were a young adult struggling to survive on the streets of East London. Now you are a millionaire and can boast having millions of followers on your instagram page. Would you say that Lutiven has helped you to abuse your sex appeal and attract followers whilst simultaneously promoting Slitheen Inc. products to the detriment of fair market competition?"
"Lutiven has certainly helped. But you know, I feel that I made all the success all by myself. Sure, Amanda and Slitheen inc. gave me a platform but it was my hard work and dedication that got me to where I am. Nobody else can take that away from me." Emma responded with an exceptionally narcissistic tone. She claimed all success for herself when in fact others had obviously helped her out. Had they not, she would have been dead long ago.
"Do you not feel disturbed by the body changes that Lutiven induces?"
"Not at all. I am happy to look light green. I've given up on being white. It's so last century. It didn't do me any good whilst I was out starving on the streets. To hell with it. We're all greenies now. Best to embrace it now without any unnecessary questions. And Lutiven has made an extremely sexy woman; no man can resist my charms! Emma said enthusiastically, almost hysterically.
"But what about the mental health effects that narcissism on social media induces? Scores of studies are suggesting that children as young as Sixteen are influenced by lude social media accounts such as yours and feel peer pressured into developing glamour model bodies. Doesn't that bother you?"
"If they start drinking Lutiven then they can be like me! Rich and sufficient!" Emma exclaimed without any modesty.
"I might add that Lutiven is not shoved down people's throats. Nobody has ever been forced to drink it and if you do not want to see photos of the gorgeous Emma Mawby then there still remains the block button." Amanda added to the response to the initial interviewer's query.
"But what about all the other men and women showing off their scantily-clad bodies whilst promoting your business? Slitheen Inc. has established an unassailable monopoly that in effect controls lots of economies and governments worldwide. People are rightly concerned about the long-term effects of this."
"Slitheen Inc. is a business. We are out to make a magnificent product and extract profits. That is capitalism. If other companies cannot keep up with our innovation then they simply deserve to die, I am afraid. Adapt or die, it's the unwritten slogan of capitalism we humans have invented and imposed upon the rest of humanity. I mean, isn't that what the Tories are implenting in their governmental policies upon this country today?" Amanda said candidly. A few moments of silence ensued before Zaroon announced the end of the session.
"Okay, that brings us to the end of the interview. Amanda Houghton, Emma Mawby - thank you so much for choosing to be interviewed by me tonight."
"Thank you." the duo replied in response. At the end of interview, security personnel immediately arrived on the scene and hurriedly ushered Amanda Houghton out of the building via a secret exit, to be whisked away by a private helicopter.
After initial panicking by various societal individuals and groups at their coerced change in biology, humans eventually came to terms with their forced evolution. Life resumed normally for most anyways. Further dissent towards Amanda Hughton's company was automatically and collectively squashed by politicians, the media, the business elites, celebrities, scientists, public think tanks - all taking payments from Slitheen Inc. and only too happy to promote the Lutiven products that they were madly addicted to…
(Three Months Later)
Lying down alone on an otherwise busy beach in the Bahamas, Emma Mawby, wearing a green bikini outfit that barely contained her ever-increasing large breasts, took a plethora of selfies amidst the hot sun gracing her now light-green coloured skin. Lying next to her inevitably was a bottle of Lutiven. Emma by now had become a billionaire, possessing one of the most liked social media pages on the internet.
"Thanks to you, I've become fucking filthy rich!" Emma exclaimed arrogantly. She kissed the bottle affectionately before placing it beside herself once more. Suddenly, a no-caller ID number buzzed on her phone's interface. Who could this be?
"Hello?" answered Emma with reticence. The speaker on the other end spoke much more confidently and rather swiftly.
"Thank you for your services, human girl. You have been a great asset to the family business. But we are advancing to Stage Four and your employment is no longer required. Your position with Slitheen Inc. is hereby terminated. We sincerely hope your 'transition' phase goes smoothly." a deep-sound male voice from the other end of the line astonishing (to Emma) announced. Emma heard loud cackles from the other end just before she attempted to find answers to what she had just heard. Despite all that work Slitheen Inc. found for her, the human technically reamined on a zero-hours contract. She now found herself being made redundant all of sudden. And perfectly legal too.
Although Emma felt herself 'self-sufficient' by now, she loved working for and promoting Slitheen Inc. It gave her a purpose in life. Deeply upset, Emma was about to leave the beach but she saw something strange happening. Everyone present apart from her had flopped to the floor, their bodies convulsing violently.
"Oh my God!" Emma screamed, clasping her mouth with her hands. She was taken aback by what she was witnessing.
"What the hell is happening?!" she screeched helplessly as she watched her fellow humans suffer collectively. Then the glamour model's stomach began acting up.
"Oh no…". Emma too flopped to the floor and her body likewise began to vibrate. It felt like something was erupting inside of her.
"No, no…" she whimpered out a final few moans. It felt like something wanted to emerge out of her body. It felt like a pregnancy, almost. Lots of kicking and writhing in her stomach. The pain lasted for several moments. With one last groan of recalcitrance, Emma's resistance finally caved in. Her forehead split wide-open. A large Slitheen head popped out from her head initially before its body began emerging from the rest of her skin. The entire beach became populated by newly-hatched Slitheen adults.
Watching events from computer monitor screens safe, snug and smug at Slitheen Inc. HQ, Amanda Houghton AKA Ungred and her husband Harold Wilson AKA Karlet, the two Slitheen still inside their human skins, looked on seated in their business chairs, chuckling wildly amongst themselves at how they had cleverly managed to manipulate an entire species into becoming like them. Stage Four was complete: Humanity unknowingly but voluntarily converted themselves into Slitheen.
"Look at them all - they are us! De-civilised and no longer domesticated by their own rules and regulations. Glorious!" Harold/Karlat Slitheen marvelled at the success of Stage Four, the final Stage - the conversion of all of humanity into Slitheen.
"Victory should be naked!" Amanda/Ungred announced spontaneously, rising to her feet triumphantly. Together with her husband, the two Slitheen unzipped their foreheads and abandoned their disguises for good. They headed out to freely join the newly-enlarged family outside in the world.
Back at the beach in the Bahamas, the Slitheen that emerged from Emma Mawby walked along the coast for a while, alone. Sooner or later, she again found the phone that her human self had used to take endless amounts of selfies to feed her narcissistic tendencies and mask her insecurities. Opening up the camera application, the Slitheen took a selfie. Then another one. Then some more. Other Slitheen nearby began to join her photo shoots. No more would Emma (?) do anything by herself; she now had dozens of brothers and sisters always available wherever she turned her head. All family members possessed this same privilege, or rather, Slitheen right.
Though it was harder to use her phone with her now pointy claws, the Slitheen managed to find her way to Instagram once more. She saw other accounts, including those other glamour models formerly employed by Slitheen Inc. posting selfies including themselves and their new siblings, all smiling happily as they posed together. Some cheekily roared lightly; others raised their massive forearms to the sky. Emma (?) subsequently uploaded her latest pics. It received a million likes within a minute, all from the rest of her Slitheen family populating the globe. For once, Emma felt whole.
Emma Mawby (?), once a miserable white working-class girl homeless and penniless, now found herself to be a part of an eight billion strong green Slitheen Family free to roam Planet Earth and perhaps even the brightest stars in the Milky Way and beyond…
(The End?)
(Epilogue)
A thousand years later, a tourist caravan of travelling Slitheen families arrived on their ancestral homeland of Earth for sightseeing purposes. They visited the Museum of Human Civilisation that preserved human cultural artefacts long after the planet had turned Slitheen.
"And if you look over to your left, you can see the last known human to have ever been skinned by a Slitheen, Karlat Lutiven Slitheen to be precise. Her name was…Vicky Morgan. Poor Vicky." a tour guide said pitifully before urging the tourist party to keep pace as they toured the rest of the museum designed to showcase the last few artefacts showcasing the very best of human 'civilisation' to the present day Slitheen. The rubber skin of Vicky had been well-preserved over the centuries, displayed as a relic for all Slitheen to visit and marvel at. Her lifeless face and torn forehead stared out of the glass window preserving her human remains…