Re:Zero Short Story - "Are we the Bad Guys?"

Disclaimer: I don't own Re:Zero.

It was a quiet night tonight. It seemed unlikely that there was going to be an attack any time soon. Even so, the Archbishop of Sloth was having none of it and decided to post guards outside the cave. Perks of being a madman. The two chosen cultists took their positions without a word of protest. Then again, you didn't protest Sloth. Unlike many of the cultists however, these two in particular had a solid friendship. And one of them had a question:

"Are we the bad guys?"

"What?"

"I mean, I was just thinking about it today. Y'know, we got creepy robes, the daggers, that whole…thing where we never say anything and move in complete sync? Just feels like the stuff bad guys do."

"Dude, c'mon, we're not the bad guys."

"Well, how do you explain all that stuff then?"

"...The robes are like, y'know, uh, our uniforms. Yeah! Our uniforms. Hell, even the Royal Guard have uniforms, right?"

"I guess, sure. What about that other stuff, though?"

"Uh, well, that other stuff is just for intimidation."

"The two villages we massacred last week would disagree with that, I think."

"Yeah? Well, they're not here to disagree with that—"

"Because we massacred them, and also that response sounded pretty bad guy like."

"Uh—"

"And honestly, what's with that, anyway? Aren't we supposed to be, like, growing the cult and spreading the message about the Witch of Envy and stuff?

"I mean, sure, yeah."

"So if we want people from all over to worship her or whatever, shouldn't we be less intimidating?"

"I guess—"

"And I just feel like massacring villages is super counterproductive for what we want then, right?"

"Well hang on a minute, the ultimate goal is to bring back the Witch of Envy, remember? So growing the cult is, y'know, secondary."

"Oh, true."

"Right?"

"Okay, but, wait. Isn't the Witch of Envy like, super bad?"

"Oh, she's bad alright."

"What?"

"What?"

"Uh, right. Anyway, isn't she super ba—er, evil? Destroyed half the world, killed lots of people? I mean, it's called 'The Great Calamity', not 'The Really Nice Thing That Happened Four Hundred Years Ago.'"

"Okay, fine. But what if, uh, she didn't do that stuff, and bringing her back proves it…somehow."

"Dude, that doesn't even make any sense. And actually, what happens after we bring her back, anyway?"

"Uh… Well, I don't know. We get to retire, I guess?"

"Right. With the poison filled mana stones in our bodies?"

"Honestly I completely forgot about that."

"Why did we agree to ingesting those anyway?"

"No idea. My memories get inexplicably muddled before that."

"Look, I'm just saying that all of this sounds pretty sinister. I mean, we're basically terrorists at this point."

"No, terrorists have a political goal, I think. So we would be, uh, fanatics maybe?"

"Right, because that's way better."

"Man, I don't know! How about you go ask Petelgeuse about it then!?"

"No way, dude. He'd probably eat my eyes or, uh, strangle me with my insides or some other fucked up thing for even saying a word. Guy's insane."

"Good point. Now he's a bad guy for sure."

"Definitely a bad guy."

Author's Notes: Just wanted to get this out of my head, so yeah. Not really planning on continuing this. Inspired by Are we the baddies? by MagiCati.