Short comedy bit for Technophiles and Militarists. The idea was taken from the (in)famous Skippy's List, and from a project I want to do in the future. I hope you find it amusing.
oOo
Alliance High Command Behavior Announcement
Announcement Number: 3975321-J
Date: August 2189
The following behaviors among Alliance personnel in relation to our new allies in the Imperium of Man are no longer allowed. We want to be good hosts for those who are helping us retake our homes and galaxy. Please follow these rules so that we may all move forward as one united force and better fight to regain our homes.
Admiral Steven Hackett, Commander, Alliance Navy
1. No longer allowed to call the Mordians "uptight pussies."
2. No longer allowed to refer to the Blood Angels as "space vampires" and that you'd "definitely let them suck you off." Just… no. Next time that happens, I'll turn you over to Astorath the Grim.
3. The N7's are no longer allowed to ask the Harakoni to take them with on HALO jumps.
4. No longer allowed to give toasters to the Tech-Priests.
5. No longer allowed to play hide-and-seek with the Raven Guard.
6. No longer allowed to ride the Knights of Taranis like a rodeo star.
7. Do not confuse the Primarch of the Turian Hierarchy with the Primarchs of the Imperium of Man.
8. No longer allowed to antagonize psykers.
9. Despite what the Imperium says, "more chainsaws" is not the answer to all questions.
10. No longer allowed to try and teach the Ogryn to read.
11. No longer allowed to call Valhallans "Space Russians."
12. No longer allowed to team up with the Imperials to antagonize the quartermasters.
13. No longer allowed to refer to the Hellhound crews as "lovable pyromaniacs."
14. Please refrain from encouraging the Tech-Priests to develop emotional attachments to heavy ordnance.
15. No longer allowed to show Imperials Scarface.
16. No longer allowed to speculate on the sexuality of Commissars.
17. Especially if they're in earshot.
18. No longer allowed to defect to the Guard so you can pilot a Baneblade.
19. No longer allowed to ask if Mephiston, Lord of Death and Chief Librarian of the Blood Angels "needs a hug."
20. No longer allowed to ask the Tech-Priests to make Transformers.
21. No longer allowed to try and make arranged marriages with the Knights, unless they ask first.
22. No longer allowed to walk around in your underwear in front of Ecclesiarchy Priests simply to scandalize them.
23. No longer allowed to try and adopt the Ogryn.
24. No longer allowed to show Thunderbolt pilots Top Gun.
25. No longer allowed to send spam emails to the Mechanicus.
26. Commander Shepard is no longer allowed to drive any Mako for any reason whatsoever.
27. No longer allowed to claim you are royalty in front of the Imperials.
28. No longer allowed to unionize the Ratlings.
29. No longer allowed to just push buttons.
30. No longer allowed to get past Rule Four by giving the Tech-Priests blenders instead.
31. No longer allowed to sell fictional stocks to the Imperials.
32. No longer allowed to introduce the Imperials to the intricacies of Earthen politics.
33. No longer allowed to go birdwatching with the Raven Guard.
34. If you are not an Infiltrator, then they can see you.
35. N7's are no longer allowed to start arm-wrestling contests with the Kasrkin.
36. No longer allowed to answer messages in the persona of a cartoon character.
37. Marines are no longer allowed to go out drinking with the Guardsmen. We have enough of a supply shortage on alcohol as is…
38. No longer allowed to teach the Guardsmen new drinking games.
39. No longer allowed to play the Doom theme whenever Space Marines enter the battlefield.
40. No longer allowed to have 'Nam flashbacks, especially because none of you were alive during the Vietnam War.
41. "Call in House Krast and wait for the screams to stop," is not automatically Plan A.
42. No longer allowed to submit a petition to change the name of Imperial Wrath, flagship of Battlefleet Invictus, to Black Pearl.
43. No longer allowed to introduce the Raven Guard to sad 19th-century poetry.
44. No longer allowed to assign nicknames to Imperial forces.
45. While it is very good to learn more about Imperial history, you are no longer allowed to call the Primarchs of the Imperium of Man "super hot."
46. Stop asking to borrow Imperial heavy weapons without permission.
47. No longer allowed to compare Space Marines to Master Chief. Even if they see it as a compliment.
48. No longer allowed to steal the phrases of Hellhound crews. Screaming "BURN IN HOLY FIRE!" while using an incinerate sounds weird.
49. No longer allowed to ask if you can move to Armageddon after the war.
50. No longer allowed to get pregnant by Imperials/get Imperials pregnant. Though the violet-eyed half-Cadian babies are pretty cute…
oOo
ATTENTION:
In the name of His Divine Majesty the God-Emperor of Mankind and by the authority of the Commissariat, the following behaviors are hereby PROHIBITED.
-Lord Commissar Willem Gain, M2.189
Thought of the Day- May our enemies fall beneath a Humanity united beneath our Immortal Protector.
AVE IMPERATOR
1. No longer allowed to canonize Doomguy as a Saint.
2. No longer allowed to 'Tokyo drift' Leman Russes.
3. No longer allowed to refer to Alliance Navy tunic dress uniforms as "dresses."
4. No longer allowed to compare Chicago to Krieg, even if both are desolate, war-ridden wastelands.
5. No longer allowed to get blind dates for the regimental Commissar.
6. No longer allowed to ask Alliance Marines of the opposite sex to do PT shirtless because "that's how we do it where I come from."
7. Even if they agree.
8. No longer allowed to laugh hysterically whenever Alliance personnel refer to M-080's as "medium armor."
9. No longer allowed to give tours of the Baneblades. We're still looking for lost Alliance Marines in one.
10. No longer allowed to fistfight Krogan.
11. No longer allowed to call Russians "Terran Valhallans."
12. No longer allowed to trick Alliance Marines into playing cards with skitarii.
13. No longer allowed to tell Alliance Navy captains that their ships are "ridiculously small" to their faces.
14. No longer allowed to use Valkyries for beer runs.
15. No longer allowed to refer to Earthshakers as "my little friend."
16. No longer allowed to tell fictional horror stories about the Tyrannic Wars.
17. No longer allowed to tell factual horror stories about the Tyrannic Wars.
18. No longer allowed to discuss favorite alcoholic drink concoctions with Alliance personnel.
19. Tech-Priests, the laws of physics are not challenges to your honor.
20. No longer allowed to get bayonet kills simply for the sake of making the Alliance Marines jealous.
21. No longer allowed to submit assassination ideas for Citadel Councilors to the Inquisition over public channels.
22. The Tech-Priests are no longer allowed to start a monopoly on vending machines.
23. Chimeras do not have a setting for "ludicrous speed."
24. Legio Ignatum is no longer allowed to try and stuff Reaper corpses as trophies.
25. No longer allowed to cuddle heavy ordinance in front of Alliance personnel.
26. The artillery officers are to stop saying that heavy explosives are the solution to all of life's problems.
27. Even if they get the Mechanicus to scientifically back it up.
28. No longer allowed to start a fast-food chain with the Alliance Marines.
29. No longer allowed to lease out Titans, even if you include the option to buy.
30. No longer allowed to cackle maniacally when using flamers.
31. None of you are Arbites, and thus none of you are "the law."
32. No longer allowed to mix any alcohol that can double as Banewolf fuel.
33. Commissars, "excessive flatulence" is not a crime punishable by death.
34. The drop-troopers are no longer allowed to play Ride of the Valkyries on airborne operations.
35. Or Fortunate Son.
36. No longer allowed to hijack kinetic barriers.
37. Commissars are no longer allowed to test their authority against Spectres to see who's goes further.
38. No longer allowed to surf in active war zones.
39. No longer allowed to introduce the Alliance Marines to Vostroyan alcohol.
40. No longer allowed to defect to the Alliance so you can be an Infiltrator.
41. The Guard is no longer allowed to collectively pool their money with the Alliance Marines to buy a dreadnaught.
42. No longer allowed to make a chaingun that fires Deathstrike missiles.
43. Commissars are no longer allowed to quote Darth Vader before executing incompetant subordinates.
44. No longer allowed to "dibs" land on Earth for post-war settlement.
45. Tech-Priests are no longer allowed to create 100-kiloton bombs out of toasters.
46. No longer allowed to start theological wars with the Hanar. They are big, stupid, jellyfish and not worth your time.
47. No longer allowed to prank call the Citadel Council.
48. No longer allowed to ask if you can hunt Thresher Maws for sport.
49. No longer allowed to speculate if the Protheans could beat the Necrons.
50. No longer allowed to send death threats to the press.
oOo
There we have it! Hope you liked it. Stay tuned to me for more shenanigans.