[South Park Elementary, day. In the hallway, Clyde Donovan is busy making some poses in front of a mirror in his locker]
CLYDE: Hey, what's goin' on? [strikes another pose] What's goin' on? [strikes yet another pose] Hey. Oh yeah, hey, whassup? What's goin' on? Nice.
[He spots a girl passing by and immediately jumps in front of her]
CLYDE: Hey babe. How about you and me spend time together at the library sometime? You know, just the two of us?
ESTHER: I'd love to Clyde, but I don't have the time for this. Now can you please move out of my way?
CLYDE: Oh sorry, here you go.
[Clyde moves out of the way to let Esther through, a disgruntled look on her face. Later some more girls pass by and he tries flirting with each one of them, but they pay no attention]
CLYDE: Hey babe, what's goin' on? Come on, you know you want me. How's about a nice trip down the hallway with- oh, never mind.
[Stan and Kyle soon arrive and approach Clyde]
STAN: What are you doing, Clyde?
CLYDE: Trying to attract some chicks. What do you think I was doing? Y'know, my dad once told me yesterday that I brighten up everyone's day.
[Stan and Kyle exchange looks]
CLYDE: As you can see already, I am the smartest, most attractive person in this school.
STAN: Dude, that's bullshit! We're all attractive in our own ways! Wendy says so and she's my girlfriend, in case you've forgotten already.
CLYDE: Wendy can't always be right you know, stop being so defensive Stan. I can go out with any girl I please.
KYLE: You know what, Clyde?
CLYDE: What?
KYLE: You're being a major asshole again!
CLYDE: Oh shut up, Kyle! I'll find myself a perfect girl if it's the last thing I do!
[He closes his locker and walks off, leaving Stan and Kyle at a loss for words]
[Mr. Garrison's class, morning. The kids enter and go for their desks]
GARRISON: Okay, children, let's take our seats. Before we get started, we have a new student joining us today who's recently moved in from Denver. So let's all say hi to Lorraine.
[A girl walks into the classroom. She looks completely disheveled, her hair's in a mess and her pants are pulled way too high]
LORRAINE: [nervous] Uh, hi.
CARTMAN: Dude, what's wrong with her face?
GARRISON: Eric, shut your piehole! Now I know Lorraine may not be the best looking girl you've ever met, but let's try and make her feel welcome and show her the ropes to our school, won't you Wendy?
WENDY: [skeptical] Uh, sure.
GARRISON: Now Lorraine, why don't you sit down on that empty seat over there and we'll get started with our first lesson, shall we?
LORRAINE: Uh, sure, Mr. Garrison.
[Lorraine walks to the empty seat between Clyde and Butters. Clyde, uncomfortable with her, scoots a few inches from her]
LORRAINE: What's his problem?
BUTTERS: I dunno. Maybe he's just feeling uncomfortable right now.
LORRAINE: See, that was the problem I had in my previous school. Everyone there ripped on me and singled me out because of how fat and ugly I am.
BUTTERS: I know it can be hard being the new kid, Lorraine. But don't worry, I'm sure once they get to know you, they'll won't be so… hostile towards you. Just give it more time and see how it goes.
LORRAINE: Thanks, uhh…
BUTTERS: Butters. Pleased to meet ya'.
GARRISON: Butters, Lorraine, are you two paying attention?
BUTTERS: Uh, yes we are!
GARRISON: Okay then. Now can anyone tell me why Doctor Beeching decided to get rid of steam traction on British Rail? Anyone?
[Pip raises his hand]
GARRISON: Uh, yes Pip.
PIP: Because he deemed steam traction to be too expensive to run during that time and decided to replace them with diesel to cut costs.
GARRISON: [after a brief pause] Very nice, Pip. And who can tell me what year was the last steam locomotive built in?
[Wendy raises her hand]
GARRISON: Wendy?
WENDY: March 1960.
GARRISON: Very good, Wendy. And can anyone tell me why Doctor Beeching is such a money hungry, backstabbing dickhole?
[The class remains silent]
GARRISON: How about we let Lorraine have a go.
LORRAINE: Um… I don't know.
GARRISON: Come on Lorraine, just give me your answer. I can take it.
LORRAINE: I… I don't even know who Doctor Beeching is. Sorry.
GARRISON: Well tough luck, Lorraine. Can someone else answer me why Beeching is such a money-hungry little bastard?
[Stan raises his hand]
GARRISON: Yes, Stanley?
STAN: Because all he cared about was money and actively tried to wipe out an iconic piece of machinery from a bygone era.
GARRISON: Well all I can say is, is that you're a really smart bastard, Stanley.
STAN: Thanks.
[South Park Elementary hallway. Clyde approaches Craig, busily shuffling in his locker]
CLYDE: Hey, Craigie.
CRAIG: What do you want, Clyde?
CLYDE: I've got a B- on my history exam today, I'm improving!
CRAIG: That's no different from the grades you usually get, you normally get Cs.
CLYDE: [offended] Hey, I've got grades better than this before!
CRAIG: Not as much as I have, got an A- on my exam today. Don't think you'll be getting any chicks if you keep lazing about like that.
CLYDE: You needn't worry about that, Craig. Besides, I already have my eyes set on a girl who just said how handsome I look.
CRAIG: [after a brief pause] What girl?
CLYDE: Erm… wait and see.
CRAIG: Well… I believe you, Clyde. For now…
[He walks away, leaving Clyde in an awkward situation]
CLYDE: Oh god, now what'll I do?
[Meanwhile, Wendy approaches Lorraine at her locker]
WENDY: Hi, so you're the new kid that's joining us here today?
LORRAINE: Lorraine, yes?
WENDY: My name's Wendy, and I'm the student body president here in this school. What's up?
LORRAINE: I don't think I'll fit in here.
WENDY: Why?
LORRAINE: I was ripped on for being fat in my old school in Denver, I'm worried the students there will do the same to me.
WENDY: I'm sure they'll warm up to you more once they get to know you. You need to have more confidence, okay?
LORRAINE: But no one likes a girl who's fat and ugly.
WENDY: See, that's the problem, Lorraine. You have a bad self-image. Just project all your sassiness to all the boys out there, okay? That's why me and Stan are together.
LORRAINE: Stan? Is he the one with the blue puffball hat?
WENDY: That's right.
LORRAINE: You know, come to think of it, there's that one boy in my class I have an interest for.
HEIDI: [enters the scene] What's going on?
LORRAINE: You know, red jacket, brown hair, flirts with other girls from time to time?
HEIDI: Oh, you mean Clyde?
LORRAINE: Yeah, him. I just think he's pretty handsome is all, not like me.
WENDY: Lorraine, that's great! Have you told Clyde that you like him?
LORRAINE: No way. I- I'd just get made fun of.
HEIDI: No way, Lorraine! Every new kid in this school needs to make a first impression, you'll be fine.
WENDY: Heidi's right, for once. This is exactly what you need, Lorraine! Take Clyde to see a movie or something! It'll do wonders for your confidence!
LORRAINE: [unsure] Oh, um. Alright then… [she walks away]
HEIDI: [concerned] Do you think this'll work out, Wendy?
WENDY: Not sure. But might do since Clyde seems to flirt with any girl he sees.
[The cafeteria, later. Stan, Cartman, Kenny, Craig, Clyde, and Kyle are seated at table, with Clyde busy arguing with Kyle]
CLYDE: I'm telling you Kyle, I have my own standards when it comes to whichever girl I want. Give me some slack already!
LORRAINE: Uh, excuse me. Are you Clyde ?
CLYDE : [whispers] Aw, Jesus Christ. [speaks clear again] Yes, I am.
LORRAINE: Um, well, I was just wondering if... maybe... you would like to go to a movie this weekend.
CLYDE: You mean go out with me on a date?
LORRAINE: Yes.
[Clyde is horrified by this, but doesn't show it in front of his friends]
CLYDE: Pfft! Not a chance, Lorraine! I really appreciate the offer, but you're too fat for me!
[Stan and Kyle glare at Clyde]
LORRAINE: [demoralized] Okay, thanks.
CLYDE: Heh. Honestly, you can't win me over.
STAN: [angered] Dude! What the fuck?!
CARTMAN: Haha! Clyde got asked out by a fat girl!
KYLE: That's funny coming from you, fat boy!
CARTMAN: Hey! I'm not fat, I'm big boned!
CLYDE: Yeah, and I guess Lorraine is big boned too. At least she didn't try to sit on you. Seriously, you two would make the perfect couple.
[the other boys laugh at this, except for Cartman and Craig]
CRAIG: Guys, come on. That's not cool. You shouldn't rip on her because she's fat. You should rip on her 'cause she's ugly. Okay? She looks like someone hit her in the face with a hot shovel, and that's why she sucks, alright?
[The hallway, later. Clyde is at his locker]
CLYDE: Camptown ladies sing this song, doo-da, doo-da. [Wendy comes to view at the end of the hall, carrying a box of decals and posters. She soon approaches Clyde] Camptown racetrack's five miles long Oh, de doo-da day. Oh- [spots Wendy passing him] Oh, hey Wendy.
WENDY: Hi, Clyde.
[Clyde notices the box Wendy is carrying]
CLYDE: [hopeful] Hey, are those for me?
WENDY: [takes the box away from his face] No! These are for Lorraine to decorate her new locker with. Since she's a new student here, I thought it'd be nice to give her locker some color to it. I could redecorate yours next if you want.
[Wendy attempts to walk off, but Clyde soon stops in front of her]
CLYDE: Well, actually Wendy. I'll be decorating Lorraine's locker, she asked me to tell you at lunch.
WENDY: [confused] Well I don't know if I can trust you, Clyde. But okay. So what can I do with your locker?
CLYDE: Um… get Craig to do it! I'm sure he won't mind. Now come on, hand them over to me! Orders are orders you know! [Wendy hands the decals to Clyde] Thanks. [Clyde runs off with the box, leaving Wendy in confusion]
[Later, Wendy goes up to her locker to get another box of decals for Clyde's locker when Craig shows up]
WENDY: Oh hey, Craig. I wanna give you this. [she gives Craig the box]
CRAIG: What's this for?
WENDY: It's some stuff for redecorating Clyde's locker. He's busy doing Lorraine's locker and so he's asked me to get you to do it for him.
CRAIG: What?! Why should I redo his locker for him?
WENDY: Because he told me that Lorraine told him at lunch to decorate her locker as a sign of affection towards him. Why's that?
CRAIG: Dude, that was not what Clyde said to her at lunch! Do you want to know what he actually said to her?
[Meanwhile, Clyde is about to decorate his locker with the decorations for Lorraine's locker after emptying it out]
CLYDE: What do I do when my love is away? Does it worry you to be alone? [Wendy comes to view and spots him, then runs up to him] How do I feel by the end of the day? Are you-
WENDY: [comes up behind Clyde and pushes him over] What the fuck is your problem?!
CLYDE: [startled] Agh! Jesus Christ, Wendy!
WENDY: Are you just an asshole?! Is that it?! Or are you just some little liar?!
CLYDE: [picks himself up and shuts his locker] Am I just an asshole?
WENDY: Yeah!
CLYDE: Well, not entirely. Maybe a bit of both though. Or maybe it's just- Aah!
WENDY: [comes closer towards him] The new girl asked you out and you called her fat?!
CLYDE: Yes.
WENDY: Do you have any idea how you made her feel?! She's a really nice girl!
CLYDE: [dismissive] Yeah, well so what? No one wants to date a fat girl! Unless if it's Cartman.
WENDY: She's a little overweight, but that's pretty normal for a girl in the [pushes Clyde again] fourth grade!
CLYDE: Well that's not what Bebe told me and she's a girl in our fourth grade! She once told me "Clyde, never, ever go out with a girl who's fat and ugly. It's always the prettiest of girls you should be looking out for!"
WENDY: What are you saying? I expect this shit to come from Cartman, but not you, Clyde! I thought you enjoy the company of girls!
CLYDE: Now you listen here, Wendy! You can't force me to go out with whichever girl you choose. I can go out with any girl I feel the most comfortable with. I already have my eyes set on one, and that's Bebe; at least she doesn't look like she's been stung in the face by multiple wasps!
WENDY: And what's that supposed to mean?!
CLYDE: My point is, Wendy, that I have my own standards when it comes to my women. [opens his locker again. On the door are several pinup posters of multiple women, one of them being Kim Kardashian] Now this; this is what I want! I want a woman who takes care of herself and knows how to look good, who's got perfect skin and no splotches on her legs, [becomes dreamy] and perfect everything. Take a look for yourself!
[Wendy gets a closer look at the picture, squints her eyes at it and immediately grabs the poster off Clyde's locker]
WENDY: This is a fantasy, you moron! You ever heard of Photoshop?! Kim Kardashian is a short, overweight woman who manipulates her image and makes average girls feel horrible about themselves!
CLYDE: [outraged] You take that back!
WENDY: Well sorry to ruin your dreams, buddy! [crushes the poster into a wad] But in real life, Kim Kardashian have the body of a hobbit! [she throws the wad at Clyde's face, picks up the box and walks away. As Clyde stares in anger, Wendy turns around] You're gonna be in real trouble when I kick your sorry little ass after school, I'm not to be fucked with! [turns around and goes around the corner. Clyde finally boils over]
CLYDE: Oh yeah?! Well I'll show you! [he chases after Wendy, who is at her locker, storing away the box. Suddenly, Clyde runs up behind Wendy and elbows her, knocking her over]
WENDY: Ow! What the hell was that for?!
CLYDE: You take back what you said!
WENDY: About what?
CLYDE: About how Kim has the body of a hobbit! You can't force me to go out with a girl that isn't up to my goddamn standards!
WENDY: They're all just photoshopped, you retard! It's all in your sick fantasy!
CLYDE: There you go again! Trying to control my life! I'm never going out with a girl who's fat and ugly, you hear me!
[unbeknown to them, their argument has attracted a crowd. Stan is among them]
WENDY: Clyde, I swear to god! If you don't shut your mouth about this, I will really kick your ass, big time!
CLYDE: Oh yeah?! Well game on, bitch! Game on!
STAN: Wait, what's going on?
CLYDE: Gonna get your bitchy little girlfriend's ass kicked!
STAN: Dude, don't do that!
CLYDE: Oh yeah? Watch me!
WENDY: Stan, don't listen to him! He's just pissed because he was looking at some fake posters of women!
[Clyde takes his jacket and shirt off, ready to fight Wendy]
CRAIG: Clyde, I wouldn't-
CLYDE: Shut up Craig! This feminist bitch doesn't stand a chance against me, unlike Cartman!
WENDY: Clyde, you don't understand! I'm not mad at you for turning a girl down, I'm mad at you for what you called her. Lorraine has a very bad self-image of herself and what you said to her just hurt her, badly!
CLYDE: Oh… you're still a bitch though.
WENDY: Okay, that's it! [She charges up to Clyde and kicks him in the balls]
CLYDE: Oof!
KENNY: (Oho, sweet!)
CARTMAN: SCHOOL FIGHT!
[everyone starts cheering and yelling as both Wendy and Clyde give each other several blows to each other, however Wendy soon overpowers him]
STAN: [concerned] You guys, stop it! Cut it out!
CARTMAN: Come on Clyde! Show that skank what you're made of!
BUTTERS: Get her, Clyde!
RED: Kick his ass, Wendy!
KYLE: Go, Wendy! Mess him up!
TIMMY: Timmy!
[Clyde attempts to give Wendy an uppercut to the face, but she already beats him to it. She then opens her locker door and slams it in Clyde's face repeatedly before throwing him to the ground, more punches and kicks follow after. At one point, she kicks Clyde straight up the lower jaw which the latter screams in pain]
[Principal Victoria's office, later. Clyde is in there with Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey, face bruised up and crying. Wendy walks in a few seconds later]
WENDY: You wanted to see me, Principal Victoria?
VICTORIA: Yes, take a seat, Wendy. I've heard there was some fighting going on and I need to get to the bottom of it.
WENDY: [noticing Clyde] What's happened? Someone told on you already? Good.
MACKEY: Uh no, Wendy, apparently, you and Clyde got into a fight in the hallway because you called Clyde's girlfriend a hobbit.
WENDY: …Are you serious?
CLYDE: You did! You said Kim was short, fat, and hairy with big feet and she's a hobbit!
WENDY: That's not his girlfriend! It's Kim Kardashian!
MACKEY: Uh, but, but, Wendy, Kim Kardashian is considered to be extremely beautiful, mkay?
WENDY: Right, but she's not in real life. She's a hobbit.
CLYDE: Oh! Oh, she said it again! Oh, she said it again!
WENDY: Look, I can explain everything! Lorraine asked Clyde out at lunch and he said she was too fat for him. And the women he was looking at in his locker were just fake photoshopped images!
VICTORIA: Was that true, Clyde? Did you really call Lorraine fat?
CLYDE: Y-yes, I did.
MACKEY: Now Clyde, that is not appropriate behavior, m'kay? Lorraine may not be the most good-looking girl you've met, but you don't go around insulting a new student like that! Some of the words you say can really hurt them from the inside! M'kay?
CLYDE: Yes, Mr. Mackey.
VICTORIA: And Wendy, you were right to defend the new student, but you should go up and tell me first before you start picking fights with other students.
WENDY: Yes, ma'am.
[Wendy and Clyde leave the office with the latter starting to feel guilt]
WENDY: Clyde, you've got to understand that some pictures-
CLYDE: No, Wendy. You were right. I've been such a massive dick towards Lorraine. I never want to go out with her, but it was so wrong of me to call her fat to her face.
WENDY: You're totally right about that. You should find-
CLYDE: [nervous] Yeah, yeah! I will, just get the hell away from me, woman! [he runs away from Wendy to find Lorraine]
[Later at the hallway, Clyde sees Lorraine at her new locker. Wendy had already gotten the decals and posters set up]
CLYDE: [takes a deep breath] Okay, here it goes. [he walks up to Lorraine, who immediately notices him]
CLYDE: Erm, hi, Lorraine.
LORRAINE: What do you want, Clyde?
CLYDE: Look, Lorraine. I just want to say that… I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I called you at lunch earlier, it was so insensitive of me. I do appreciate your offer about taking me on a date, but you're just not really my type, that's all. I'm saying you're fat, just saying.
LORRAINE: Gee. Uh, thanks, Clyde. [she then notices Clyde's bruised face] What's happened to your face?
CLYDE: Huh? Uhh… let's not talk about that. Anyway, it was nice meeting you. [he walks away from her. Later, he sees Craig, finishing redecorating his locker for him. He then notices Clyde]
CRAIG: So where's your new girlfriend that you've been talking about?
CLYDE: She's right here, see? [he shows him one of his remaining posters of Kim Kardashian on his locker] She's the woman of my dreams right here.
CRAIG: As if I'd believe in that crap! First of all, Clyde, you're eight years old and Kim's like, I don't know, 30? And second, this whole thing is just some photoshopped mess! It's gonna take more than that to try and impress me!
[he shuts Clyde's locker and walks off, leaving a disgruntled Clyde behind]
[Later that afternoon, Clyde walks down the hall when the computer lab door opens and Wendy peeks out]
WENDY: Clyde? Clyde, come here for a sec.
[Clyde's blood freezes when he hears Wendy's voice and thinks for a moment]
CLYDE: Oh no, you don't, Wendy! You're not trapping me inside the computer lab to beat me up again!
WENDY: Clyde, will you please let me show you something, so we can put this behind us?
CLYDE: Well, okay. But if you try to punch me, I'll definitely fight back.
[she goes back inside, and Clyde follows her in]
WENDY: I want you to see just how easy this is so we can better understand each other. This is your class photo, right?
CLYDE: Okay.
WENDY: Now, first thing we do is Photoshop the bulges on your sides [she trims them down a bit]. We select the eyes, make them a nicer shape, take off any blemishes on the skin, lengthen the neck [moves the head up], add more to the hair, select the lips and make them fuller, take out any puffiness on the skin here, add fullness to the chest, lengthen the torso, streamline the shoulders, put highlights in the eyes, and, there.
[the end result is a much more realistic looking edit of Clyde, the latter is mesmerized]
CLYDE: Is that what I look like?
WENDY: Do you see what I'm talking about?
CLYDE: I'm pretty!
WENDY: That's how Photoshop destroys the self-image of people everywhere.
CLYDE: Do I really look like that?!
WENDY: What? What do you mean?
CLYDE: Wow! Wait 'till the other girls see my new look! I gotta print several copies of it, give them to the chicks and express how cool I look!
WENDY: No you don't, Clyde! Now come on, we have class! [she grabs Clyde by the collar and drags him out of the computer lab]
CLYDE: No! Wait! The computer needs me!
[South Park Elementary, near the end of the school day. Garrison is at the front of the class giving a lecture]
GARRISON: And that is why, kids, Glenn Beck's talk show is just a bunch of stupid bullcrap about nothing, but pointless ramblings. Now does anyone have any questions on that?
[Clyde raises his hand up]
GARRISON: Yes, Clyde?
CLYDE: Does Photoshop really make you look more hot?
GARRISON: [after a short pause] Damnit, Clyde! Were you paying attention to what I was saying?!
CLYDE: About what?
GARRISON: About Glen Beck?!
CLYDE: Hmmm… nope, sorry.
GARRISON: Damnit! Alright, so does anyone else have a question about Glen Beck? Anybody?
[Craig raises his hand]
GARRISON: Yes, Craig?
CRAIG: Should we really listen to anything that Glenn Beck says? Like how Barack Obama was supposedly building concentration camps to put people in?
GARRISON: Well, obviously not because that's just plain stupid.
CRAIG: Thought so.
GARRISON: Okay children, for your homework tonight I want you all to read Chapter 5 of this book by Glen Beck and point out all of his insane ramblings about Obama by circling them down. And if you- [notices Clyde is daydreaming again] Damnit, Clyde! Are you even paying attention?!
CLYDE: Huh, what?
GARRISON: Ugh, just forget it!
CRAIG: [whispers to Wendy] He's really hooked onto that whole thing, huh?
[Later at the end of the school day, Clyde walks down the hall and into the computer lab. He starts up one of the computers and sees that the photoshopped image of himself has been saved. He immediately prints a copy of it and exits the computer lab with the picture stuck to his face]
CLYDE: [to himself] Wait until they see me now.
[Clyde's house. The bus arrives and drops Clyde off at his house, but he stumbles for a bit, trying to find the door as he still has the picture stuck to his face and it's blinded his view]
CLYDE: [runs into his door] Ow!
ROGER: [opens the door and Clyde comes inside into the living room] Hi son, how was school today?
CLYDE: [looks around] Huh?
ROGER: Clyde, I'm right here.
CLYDE: [looks around again] Where?
ROGER: Oh goddamnit! [takes the photo off Clyde's face, his vision is now clear again]
CLYDE: Hey, I can finally see again!
ROGER: So how was school today?
CLYDE: Uh, it was the usual for the most part. Hey dad, did you see my new look on the picture you're holding?
ROGER: The one that was stuck to your face? No, but let me- [sees the photoshopped image of Clyde and becomes enthralled by it as much as his son] Wow! Clyde, you look brilliant!
CLYDE: I know dad! One of my classmates, Wendy, showed me a way on how I can look more hot.
ROGER: Holy crap, I'd better show this to your mom! [he runs to the kitchen] Hey, Betsy! You got to see this!
CLYDE: Wow, Wendy was right!
[Wendy's house. The phone rings in the living room, Wendy comes up and picks it up]
WENDY: Hello?
CLYDE: [in his bed, on his phone] Hey Wendy, it's Clyde.
WENDY: Oh, hi Clyde.
CLYDE: Wendy, I know we've had that fight that afternoon in school and I know I shouldn't have egged you on into doing so, considering what happened between you and Cartman a while back. I really shouldn't have lost my temper like that.
WENDY: Can't we just forget about that?
CLYDE: That's what I was thinking, but enough about that. I just wanna say, you were right.
WENDY: About what?
CLYDE: You were right about Photoshop! It really made me feel good about myself! In fact, I printed a copy of it and showed it to my friends and family, and they all loved it. Won't you agree?
WENDY: That's not what I said.
CLYDE: [smugly] Sure you did.
WENDY: No, that's not what I said. I said photoshop destroys the self-image of people, not enhances it. You literally saw the entire demonstration!
CLYDE: Did you? Ah, yes! When you showed me how that worked, I couldn't help but think about how beautiful I looked in that photo. You should get one too if you want.
WENDY: Oh no! No way! There's no way I'm making a fake image of myself to get more attention, and neither should you! You're fine the way you are, Clyde!
CLYDE: Oh, come on now.
WENDY: I'm serious! We're not having this argument again, okay?! See, the problem with having a fake picture of yourself is that you start to believe in your own bullshit!
CLYDE: Oh, do you now? Well, it was nice talking to you Wendy. See ya' tomorrow! [hangs up]
WENDY: [hangs up] So stupid.
[South Park Elementary, morning. Clyde is walking down the hallway with his photoshopped image stuck to his face. Everyone turns and stares at the sight. He stops at Token at his locker]
CLYDE: Hey, Token. Token, check out my new look!
TOKEN: [looks at the photo stuck to Clyde's face] Wow, you're hot.
CLYDE: Yeah, I've just got that yesterday seriously. [walks over to Tweek at his locker] You wanna see my new look, Tweek?
TWEEK: Oh man, you're a lucky guy.
CLYDE: Yeah, I know. There's no one like me anywhere. [walks off. Tweek turns back to his locker. Clyde walks by Butters, Kevin, and two other boys]
BUTTERS: Hey, Clyde. Love your style!
KEVIN: Yeah, you rock!
CLYDE: Oh, thanks, Butters. Thanks, Kev. [he walks by Craig, who's speechless] Hey, Craig.
[At another part of the hallway, Red walks up to Bebe]
RED: Hey, Bebe. Did you see this picture of Clyde? [she hands her the picture]
BEBE: Wow, he looks amazing! [Craig walks up to them, annoyed] He got really hot all of a sudden.
RED: Yeah. I wouldn't mind tapping that fine ass.
CRAIG: Excuse me?
BEBE: Oh, hey, Craig. Clyde sent me that. Don't be jealous.
CRAIG: Oh, why would I be jealous?
RED: Well, you gotta admit, Clyde is pretty hot, Craig. [shows him the picture]
CRAIG: He's not that hot, you're just looking at a fake, photoshopped image of him!
BEBE: Dunno what you're on about, he looks pretty hot here.
CRAIG: That's not what Clyde looks like! He's deceiving you girls! What you're about to see any minute is Clyde with that picture stuck to his face! [just then, Clyde walks past him, but he doesn't see this. Red does, though]
BEBE: Uh, Craig?
CLYDE: Is there a problem, Craig?
CRAIG: [looks and quickly assesses the situation] I'm sorry. It's nothing personal, Clyde. But you've gotta stop with this, okay?
CLYDE: Stop with what, being cool? Everyone in the school really enjoys the new me, isn't that right, girls?
BEBE: Yeah, Clyde.
RED: Totally! [giggles]
CLYDE: So do yourself a favor, Craig. Why don't you mind your own business instead of being jelly?
CRAIG: Damnit, will you just stop with this? I'm not jealous, okay! That picture of you was made to prove a point, and it's being taken the wrong way!
BEBE: Don't listen to him, Clyde. Boys who don't have what you have are always going to put you down. Everyone knows you're the hottest.
CLYDE: Thanks, babe! See you in class!
GIRLS: Bye, Clyde!
CRAIG: [walks away from the girls] Oh, fuck me.
[Meanwhile, Stan and Kyle are busy at their lockers when Clyde comes up and accidently bumps into Stan due to his blinded vision]
CLYDE: Ow!
STAN: Watch it, dude!
CLYDE: Sorry.
KYLE: Dude, why do you have a photo stuck to your head?
CLYDE: Because I've recently gotten a facelift with this cool new thing called Photoshop, and now I look hotter than ever! [Stan and Kyle eye Clyde up suspiciously]
STAN: You really think you can fool us with that? That's just a photo stuck to your forehead, you look stupid!
CLYDE: No, I don't! You're just saying that because you're jealous! Honestly, grow up, Stan. [walks away from them, passing a girl along the way] Hi, babe.
MILLIE: Hey, Clyde. Nice style!
CLYDE: Thanks. [Stan and Kyle are stunned by this]
STAN: Geez, what an ass!
KYLE: Um, Clyde? The classroom's the other way!
CLYDE: [goes back the opposite direction] Oh, sorry. [runs into a section of the hallway, off-screen] Ow!
[Later, after the first lesson, Clyde stops at his locker to remove the picture from his face as it was blocking his view and he kept bumping into things]
CLYDE: Oh finally, I can see again. [Just then, Heidi arrives]
HEIDI: Hey, Clyde.
CLYDE: Oh, Heidi! I didn't see you there.
HEIDI: Glad you can finally see again! [she chuckles]
CLYDE: Ha, ha. Yeah, very funny. [he hands her the photoshopped image] Here, you can have this. I don't really need it anymore.
HEIDI: Are you sure?
CLYDE: Yes, I'm sure. You can keep it if you like.
HEIDI: Oh wow, thanks Clyde! That is really nice of you! [looks at the photoshopped image of Clyde] Holy crap, you look so cool in that picture! I've gotta show this to some of my friends! [she runs off]
CLYDE: Thanks, Heidi! Oh, and be sure to tell your friends to watch me at the basketball game later!
[Meanwhile at the computer lab, Craig is there and is about to photoshop his own class photo to prove his own point]
CRAIG: Once they see this distorted mess, they'll soon discover just how stupid Clyde really is.
[Craig gives his photo a much taller body, visible hair, a visible nose, ears which in the end, becomes a much more realistic edit of himself, just like Clyde's photo. Craig then clicks on the mouse to print the image]
[Later, Clyde is at the gymnasium, playing basketball with some other boys including Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Butters, Token, Kevin and Jason. Several kids are at the bleachers, watching the game]
CHEF: Alright, Clyde! Give it your best shot!
[Clyde has already grab hold of the ball from Kenny. He runs to the basketball hoop, jumps very high to throw the ball into the hoop which goes through perfectly]
CHEF: Great shot, Clyde!
KYLE: Yeah, great shot!
STAN: Alright!
BUTTERS: Brilliant!
[The girls all start cheering for Clyde]
CLYDE: Thank you! Thank you!
[At the hallway, some of the boys are talking with each other about Clyde's score]
KYLE: Of all the many times we've been practicing, Clyde, you've really gotten much better since last time.
BUTTERS: Yeah! Yeah, you were awesome! But how did you manage to throw the ball into the hoop so perfectly? Even I couldn't manage.
CLYDE: Well, let's just say you need some support to help you going and finish to the end.
STAN: How so?
CLYDE: Well…
[Just then, Heidi walks up with the photoshopped image of Clyde]
HEIDI: Hi Clyde, that was awesome on what you did at the basketball match! Would you sign my autograph here?
CLYDE: [takes out a pen] Sure, anything for you lovely girls.
HEIDI: Thanks! [walks away happily. The other boys are stunned]
KYLE: Was that what it was about?
CLYDE: Yeah. With all these people supporting you, you can accomplish anything.
STAN: Oh, so by what? Fooling them into thinking a photoshopped image of yourself to be real so you can get more fame? They're better ways on getting attention than changing your image, dude.
CLYDE: Well you can if you tried. All I'm asking is that you guys do for yourselves what Wendy did for me and help with your imperfections.
KYLE: [quietly and quickly] Oh my god, Clyde. You're such an idiot. [normal] Why should we even bother? We're already happy about the way we are, aren't we guys?
BOYS: Yeah.
CLYDE: Why?! Don't you care about your friends?!
STAN: Because it's wrong! If you're not happy with the way you look in person, Clyde, then that's your problem! [the boys walk away from him] Besides, Wendy loves it when I remove my hat and show off my hair.
CLYDE: [disgruntled] I'll show those guys. I guess printing out one picture wasn't good enough… what if I…
[Later, Clyde goes down the hallway, passing out pictures of himself to various boys and girls along the way]
CLYDE: Hey, here's yours. [gives one to Millie] And here's yours. [gives one to Esther] Here's one for you. [gives one to Brimmy] And then here's one for you, hope you like it. [gives one to Wendy who sees that it's the photoshopped image of Clyde that she made of him]
WENDY: What the fuck have I done?
CLYDE: [passes by Kyle and Stan] Hey guys. Here are some cool looking pictures of me if you wanna check them out [gives them a pic each] See ya!
[Meanwhile, some girls are all together, looking at the pictures Clyde gave to him and they're all in awe]
GIRLS: Wooowww!
MILLE: Wow! Wow! He looks great!
ESTHER: I had no idea Clyde was that hot.
BEBE: Me neither. All the more for going out with him.
MILLE: Um, excuse me. But I'm the one who should be dating Clyde. He's built like a Slim Jim! [Tweek and Pip soon arrive at the commotion]
PIP: What's going on here?
BEBE: Clyde gave us these really hot pictures of himself.
TWEEK: Really?
PIP: Can we see them if you don't mind?
BEBE: Sure, take a look! [The two boys eye up the pictures and immediately, Pip finds something wrong with the picture]
PIP: That's funny. I don't ever remember Clyde looking this handsome, he looks a lot different here.
RED: Maybe not to you, but he does here. With his gorgeous eyes and perfect body.
PIP: Okay, that definitely does it! Something very strange is going on here!
TWEEK: You tell me! Gah! Why did I think that picture was real?
PIP: Don't worry, I'll handle this. [walks off to find Clyde]
[Moments later, in the school hallway. Clyde is at his locker, and Pip approaches]
PIP: Clyde, can I ask you a big favor?
CLYDE: Yeah, what's up?
PIP: Well, I'd want ask if you could please stop with the pictures? Because when I look at the pictures some of the girls are holding, you look completely different to how you look in real life.
CLYDE: So you want me to take real life pictures of my fat, unmanly body to show off to the girls and see they'll be interested in them, is that it? How dare you, Pip?!
PIP: Clyde, why is it such a big deal?
CLYDE: Do you see how everything works nowadays? There are many people in this town that feel that they're aren't happy with their imperfections or it's because they want to be famous and outdo everybody, and so they use photoshop to heavily edit their photos and send them worldwide to everyone who they think would believe in that shit and guess what? It works because women of today don't give a shit about what's real and what's not, because they're too stupid to even figure out the difference as they've been stuck to their stick fantasies for way too long. [unbeknown to him, his rant has attracted many of the kids that he deceived with the pictures he gave them] And with all of the heavily manipulated pictures of myself I give to those dumb girls, that makes me more popular with them! [Mr. Mackey walks in on the rant] That's how the world works now, Pip! So get used to it! [Clyde turns to leave, but runs into the kids, Chef, Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey, Pip quietly walks away from the scene] Uh… did I say that out loud? Hey, Bebe, what's goin' on?
BEBE: [furious] You… FAKER!
RED: [incensed] You've been sending us fake pictures of yourself this entire time?!
WENDY: You wanted to be with more chicks, Clyde, but you've took it too far!
CLYDE: [hesitates for a while on what his next move should be] Well it was nice giving you these fake pictures, girls! You'll never take me alive!
[Clyde attempts to run away from the kids, but doesn't see the wet floor sign. He skids along the wet floor and rams face-first into the door entrance to the cafeteria, severely injuring his face]
CLYDE: Ow, goddamnit! [he then overhears Mr. Mackey's voice]
MACKEY: Clyde! In my office, right now! M'kay?!
CLYDE: Ow…
[Mr. Mackey's office, later. Clyde is once again, in there]
MACKEY: Now let me ask this one question very simple, Clyde. What on earth do you call this?! [he shows Clyde a copy of his photoshopped image]
CLYDE: Uhh… a work of art?
MACKEY: Well it maybe a work of art to you, but this image here is completely and totally fake, m'kay. Now photoshop can be good for simpler things like changing the colour of a piece of artwork or just for a bit of fun, but using it to change your entire body to very unrealistic heights just to get chicks is never okay! Now if you think this is a joke then color me unimpressed, m'kay. Now some jokes are funny, but not this one, Clyde! You have caused a… uh, let me think here, uh… oh yeah, a major clusterfuck in our entire school. M'kay?
CLYDE: Mr. Mackey, I had no idea what photoshop could-
MACKEY: No! No excuses! You have a problem bein' cool about your self-image, Clyde, m'kay! There's a very big difference between what you see in real life and what you see on the internet. Uh, do I make myself clear, m'kay?
CLYDE: Yes, sir.
MACKEY: That's what I thought. And after your little escapade today, you're gonna have detention for two weeks!
CLYDE: Oh really? Well if you put it that way, you do have a- wait, what?! Detention?!
MACKEY: I'm sorry, Clyde. But it's for your own good, m'kay!
CLYDE: Aw, shit!
[Later, Clyde is at the school library, serving his detention with Cartman and a few other students. Meanwhile outside, Craig and Tweek are talking about the situation]
CRAIG: You know, Tweek, I'm glad this whole thing is over with.
TWEEK: Yeah, me too. Do you think the girls will stay mad at Clyde for too long?
CRAIG: Nah, it'll all blow over by tomorrow. Which reminds me, I wonder who'll be going for the South Park Cows basketball team tomorrow?
TWEEK: I expect it'll be you, Craig! Besides, Clyde's in detention for being a lying, fake bastard.
CRAIG: Well, it'll be very unlikely, dude. [Clyde looks out of the window, depressed]
[South Park Elementary, two weeks later in the morning. Wendy is at her locker when Clyde comes by, still feeling remorseful]
WENDY: Oh, hi, Clyde! Nice to see your detention is finally over.
CLYDE: Yeah, it sure is. I-I'm sorry about the whole photoshop scandal yesterday. You were right all along, Wendy. Photoshopping yourself just to get more popular with chicks is just stupid.
WENDY: That's okay, and I'm sorry if what I said about Kim Kardashian was offensive. But you've got to understand, Clyde, they're just pictures. You should be proud about what you look like in real life than what you do on some stupid, heavily edited photo of yourself.
CLYDE: Yes, I know that now, Wendy. No need to rub it in. Which reminds me, how's Lorraine getting on?
WENDY: Lorraine? Oh yeah, she's doing just fine. I've heard Heidi has invited her over to the gym nearby for a few days and it really has changed her looks immensely!
CLYDE: Really? So, is Lorraine not fat anymore?
WENDY: Nope, see for yourself!
[Clyde looks and is stunned at the sight. Lorraine comes through the hallway, having lost a significant amount of weight, her hair's been fixed up and her pants have now been straightened]
CLYDE: Holy crap! Lorraine, is that you?
LORRAINE: Sure it is! How do I look?
CLYDE: Wow, you look beautiful! Definitely a huge improvement. [then he thinks for moment] You wanna go and watch a movie together after school? My dad has already booked two tickets for the new Terrance and Phillip movie yesterday.
LORRAINE: Wow, I'd really appreciate the offer, Clyde, but I already have a boyfriend now.
CLYDE: Huh? With who? [the surprise boyfriend soon arrives]
TIMMY: Timmy!
CLYDE: Timmy?! Why him?
LORRAINE: After you turned me down for being fat at lunch some time ago, this guy felt bad for me since he's handicapped and showed me around the school. We had a great talk about how much the world has changed since today and then I asked him if I can go out with him someday, and then he said yes! But first, I needed to get in shape, so Heidi Turner took me out to the gym for a few days and look at me now.
CLYDE: [disappointed] Oh, that's very nice, Lorraine. Congratulations, Timmy.
LORRAINE: Thanks, Clyde! See you in class! [she and Timmy leave] Come on, babe, we can sit together at lunch later on.
TIMMY: Livin' a lie, Timmy!
CLYDE: [sigh] Guess she really isn't the right girl for me. Ah, who cares anyway.
BEBE: [arrives at the scene] Hey, Clyde.
CLYDE: Oh, hi, Bebe. I know you're still mad at me for the photoshop scandal two weeks ago, but-
BEBE: Nah, I'd rather not think about, Clyde. Let's just put this all behind us.
CLYDE: Gladly. Anyway, my dad had already booked two tickets for the new Terrance and Phillip movie and Lorraine has already gotten herself a boyfriend already. Maybe I should invite one of my friends over like Stan or maybe Craig.
BEBE: Actually, Clyde, I won't mind watching it with you.
CLYDE: Really? But I thought you didn't like Terrance and Phillip.
BEBE: Well, no I didn't, but it's actually starting to grow on me now. Sure, the jokes are gross, but at least it's harmless.
CLYDE: Oh, thanks, Bebe! How about after school, all right?
BEBE: Sure, babe. [Just then, Craig walks up with a photoshopped image of himself stuck to his face, just like what Clyde did previously]
CRAIG: What up, babes? Check out my brand spankin' new look!
CLYDE: [after a short pause] Craig, just grow up, will you?
[end of story]